July 2007

Two people have commented that they are in couples where both spouses have ADHD and that they find this very difficult.  I would like to address this a bit here but will start by recounting two comments specific to this topic to make it easier for those of you on a blog feed who aren’t always referring back to the site itself:

From mhmarel:
What about if both spouses have ADHD? I find it much more difficult to set up routines and coping systems, because I know my partner will not help me maintain them, and may even undermine them (example -- I spend an entire day organizing our financial files, >>> Read more >>>

It may well be that anger management in marriages where one or both spouses has ADHD is THE critical issue that determines whether or not a couple can be happy together.  Anger can develop in both partners, though it often manifests itself differently in the two.  This is a topic that is so large that it needs to be addressed in many different ways, but let me start here with an example of a couple I've written about before, whom I'm calling Anne and Tom.  In this couple, Tom has ADHD and had, for many years, an issue with sudden flashes of anger.  His wife, Anne, who does not have ADHD is generally an optimistic person, however dealing with the surprises she found in her ADHD marriage wore her down to the point where she was diagnosed with, and treated for, depression.  Both spouses were angry at each other, and themselves.

Frequent bursts of anger and resentment, such as what Doris mentions in her comment, are common.  In Tom's case, he would go along for a while, with the anger mounting, until suddenly he was yelling, stomping his feet, and making threats.  Anne never knew when Tom's anger would erupt - it seemed to come at unpredictable times, and there was little warning. >>> Read more >>>

Being a person who does not have ADHD married to a person who does have ADHD can be wonderful.  It can also be intensely frustrating.  I am a non-ADHD spouse married to a man who has ADHD.  Dr. Hallowell has the opposite - he has ADHD while his wife does not (part of the reason we are teaming up to write a book on this topic - we balance each other out!)  If you are a spouse without ADHD, you may well recognize much of what I am about to describe in your own marriage, for without a doubt I have experienced the "classic" ADHD-affected marriage.  Before going further, I will also tell you that while my husband and I have had significant struggles - born largely of his ADHD and my response to it, we now have a very strong relationship.  In fact, we are living proof that learning how to manage ADHD in your relationship can improve it immensely.

So, what does it feel like to be married to a person with ADHD when you do not have it yourself?  What are some of the basic patterns? >>> Read more >>>