November 2007

One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes.  This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Before the couple gets help, what usually develops is a process of mutual blame.  The minute a conflict arises, each member of the couple hunkers down in a self-protective, defensive posture that says, “It’s your fault, not mine.”  Soon the phrase gets added, “Why bother even trying?  This situation is hopeless.”  Each member of the couple feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood, angry, and at a loss for what to do next other than separate or simply muddle miserably on. >>> Read more >>>

It is not uncommon for people with ADHD to have trouble with addictions or near-addictions.  In fact, it is so common that in Delivered from Distraction, Dr. Hallowell devotes an entire chapter to this topic and what to do about it.  One of the issues here is that computer usage, and gambling, can be a form of self-medication for those with ADHD.

One of our readers posted a comment that illustrates what a sudden uptick in online gambling by her boyfriend has done to her relationship: >>> Read more >>>

Medications sure can help your relationship – as can non-medicinal treatments!  But the spouse with the ADHD may not realize it – that’s where you need to give him (or her) some constructive feedback.  This comment is typical of what happens:

“After 10 years of "hinting" that my husband may have symptoms of ADD he went to a doctor who felt that he indeed did struggle with ADD. He was given a script for Wellbutrin.  Difficult for the first few weeks.  Then things seemed to fall into place. I noticed a change. He would remember things I had asked him to do. He actually did them to completion. He was calmer than he had ever been. Then without warning last month he decided to stop his meds... >>> Read more >>>

In a blog about ADHD and marriage, it’s all too easy to “hyperfocus” on the ins and outs of relationships, without looking at some more general issues that many have with ADHD.  We got this post recently from a man who is having trouble focusing at work.  So, for all of you who have trouble getting going at work, here are some tips:

The post:
“I can't seem to get started at work each day.  For as long as I recall, as a student I would do all sorts of tasks but not study.  Focus is hard and my mind wanders. Currently I use 40mg of Adderall, but unless there's lots of pressure, starting daily things involving work are simply avoided.  How can I organize myself so I can start and follow through and, hopefully, enjoy it?” >>> Read more >>>

A woman who has been married for 3 years to a man who was diagnosed with ADD after they got married, has taken the time to write to me quite a bit about her situation.  It is one that I recognize, as it closely mirrors the situation I had in the beginning of my own marriage.  One of the key issues is that she and her husband had a wonderful courtship, during which he “hyperfocused” on her (though neither knew that this was the case as it was happening).  Now she is desperate to feel loved and in the kind of relationship her courtship had led her to expect, but she finds her spouse unrecognizable.  Not only does he not connect with her, but he dismisses her concerns about their lack of connection, leaving her frequently in tears.  She is “in shock because I feel as if the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist”.

Writing this story, and providing ideas, will create a lengthy entry.  But this couple is so completely typical of what many face that I feel you’ll want to take the time to read it.

Here is her story: >>> Read more >>>