NedHallowell's blog http://www.adhdmarriage.com/blog/3/atom/feed 2007-12-02T14:30:09-05:00 Marriage and ADHD and What Works Best http://www.adhdmarriage.com/node/55 2008-01-11T14:41:44-05:00 2008-01-11T17:52:05-05:00 NedHallowell Hi - Ned Hallowell here.  I wanted to post an entry about what I think works best in a marriage where one or both partners have ADHD.  The key to it all is insight and empathy.  Once you understand what's going on, then you have to work at really putting yourself in the shoes of the other person.  THIS IS DIFFICULT!!!  Everyone agrees that emapthy is important, but few people do the work to develop it.  It is amazing in how many marriages neither partner truly understands or feels what it's like to live the life of the other partner.  But, if you work at it, you can develop empathy and

]]> Hi - Ned Hallowell here.  I wanted to post an entry about what I think works best in a marriage where one or both partners have ADHD.  The key to it all is insight and empathy.  Once you understand what's going on, then you have to work at really putting yourself in the shoes of the other person.  THIS IS DIFFICULT!!!  Everyone agrees that emapthy is important, but few people do the work to develop it.  It is amazing in how many marriages neither partner truly understands or feels what it's like to live the life of the other partner.  But, if you work at it, you can develop empathy and with empathy will come a deeper love and appreciation for the other.  How do you do it?  Listen.  Ask questions.  Suspend judgments.  Assume you DO NOT know, rather than you do know.  Learn.  And did I mention listen?  Keep your sense of humor.  Be willing to change your mind.  Forgive.  Forgive.  Forgive.  Remember, forgiveness does not mean you condone bad deeds, just that you let go of anger and resentment.  Inquire.  Be curious about the life of the other person.  And listen.  Let yourself be surprised by what you hear.  Remind yourself that you don't have all the answers.  Be humble.  You don't have to be a saint, just be humble enough to admit you're wrong or that you might be wrong or have been wrong.  Empathy is a powerful tol, but it takes work to develop it.  But, everyone can do it!  Good luck.

]]> Getting Unstuck http://www.adhdmarriage.com/node/33 2007-11-28T09:26:32-05:00 2007-12-02T14:30:09-05:00 NedHallowell One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes.  This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Before the couple gets help, what usually develops is a process of mutual blame.  The minute a conflict arises, each member of the couple hunkers down in a self-protective, defensive posture that says, “It’s your fault, not mine.”  Soon the phrase gets added, “Why bother even trying?  This situation is hopeless.”  Each member of the couple feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood, angry, and at a loss for what to do next other than separate or simply muddle miserably on.

]]> One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes.  This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Before the couple gets help, what usually develops is a process of mutual blame.  The minute a conflict arises, each member of the couple hunkers down in a self-protective, defensive posture that says, “It’s your fault, not mine.”  Soon the phrase gets added, “Why bother even trying?  This situation is hopeless.”  Each member of the couple feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood, angry, and at a loss for what to do next other than separate or simply muddle miserably on.

The step I advise is to get help.  You need a referee to help you get your feelings out on the table, to help you listen to what the other person is saying, to help you discuss options for change before you shut down and say it’s hopeless, and, not least of all, to inject some positive energy into your world.

Some people dismissively call such therapy cheerleading.  I call it loving.  It is the most powerful therapy there is.  I try to offer the people who come to see me the kind of love I can offer, as a therapist.  This means I try to find what’s good in each person and what’s good in the relationship.  I try to find ways of helping each person develop understanding for of the other person’s point of view.  I try to rekindle the respect and affection that once suffused the relationship.  I try to help each member of the couple laugh and relax, untighten their jaws, let go of their hunkered down posture, and find a safe place to begin to initiate change.

In a crucible of forbearance, respect, honesty, and open talk, people rediscover love.  It is magnificent to see.

-Ned Hallowell

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