Sometimes, though, as I discovered last night, we might think we are constantly communicating how we feel while we actually may be missing our target.

For about five days now, I thought I was communicating frequently and clearly to my dear husband that I had a stiff neck. I assumed he would understand that I was not just trying to give him a running narrative of my health like some 24 hour cable news program, but that I wanted him to know I was in pain.  That I wanted some comfort and empathy, and that this was the reason I kept saying no to activities he suggested doing.  Since he didn’t react or respond I assumed he just didn’t care or wasn’t listening.

I was incredibly surprised to discover last night that my husband actually didn’t understand what I meant when I wandered around the house for days muttering about my symptoms. It turns out he actually had no clue why I kept informing him about the condition of my neck. My thinking was, if I repeated the same thing to another person 5 times within a 30 minute period, the other person would get that something was very important.  He, of course, accused me of being indirect.

In general, women need to process their thoughts and feelings out loud.  Adding ADD to this can really create a problem in effective communication.  The sheer volume of thoughts and feelings and connections, coupled with the tangents and inspirations - all expressed out loue - can lead one’s male partner to withdraw, or look blank and leave you feeling abandoned.

Sometimes women with ADD are flooded with a jumble of things to do and  a tangle of emotions they can’t sort out any easier than the papers on the dining room table. They may feel like they are drowning in a vast cognitive sea without any driftwood to latch on to.  Sometimes they just want to know someone hears them, like a life line. Sometimes they want someone to help tidy up their thoughts a little, like they would on their desk. At other times, though, they may need complete quiet and the best thing is for their partners to leave them alone for a few minutes.

It can be confusing for a partner to know what you need when. Sometimes, in a hotel room I need someone just to take over and help me pack. Other times, I do better when everyone just leaves the room for a few minutes and relieves the pressure. Even the best intentioned partners don’t always know what to do to be helpful even when they want to!

So what to do if they aren’t getting the clue?
First, you can notice when you are repeating yourself and it is not making an impact. You can understand that sheer repetition of the same thought in the same form isn't likely to have the desired effect.
Ask yourself –“What am I really trying to communicate? Specifically.
What do I want them to understand?
What do I want them to say?
What do I want them to do?
What would be helpful?
What can I request?
The more specific you can be, and the clearer you are in your own mind about what you want or need, the greater your chances of success.

For example things like
“What would help me is for you to spend five minutes listening to me and help me sort thru my thought and feelings. “

“What would help me is just for me to tell you how I am feeling and you just listen and give me a little hug”

“When I am freaking out what I need is for you to leave me alone for five minutes.

Or don't leave me alone…”

Keep talking- it will help your heart in more ways than one but if you aren’t getting a response, don’t shut down and give up. According to the paper and the research  ” self-silencing” is the biggest risk of all for a woman’s heart.

Luckily, self-silencing isn’t a big issue for women with ADD! Just try to be more specific than you ever dreamed necessary.

I have to stop typing now… I have a stiff neck!..I know you’ll understand.

Sari Solden is a therapist and author of "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life" and "Journeys into ADDulthood".  We appreciate her expertise, particularly in the area of how women can manage their ADD and what special issues they face.

Last night I was assigned the very simplest of tasks at dinnertime which was to open up a microwave package of rice and follow three easy steps- 1. squeeze (which I did very well I must say) 2. open and 3. microwave for 90 seconds. I was on a roll until step number 2.

I didn’t follow my own advice for a person with ADD and was trying to open the rice with a sharp knife while my husband (who was actually cooking dinner) was telling me some distressing news and well, let’s just say a sharp knife in uncoordinated hands while being distracted by conversation is not a great idea - I sliced my finger pretty well.

At the same time, my daughter came in, saw with horror that I was involved in preparing the meal and asked “what’s for dinner, SLOPPY joes?!”  My husband and daughter got a good laugh out of that and, believe it or not, I started to laugh, also. I really did think it was funny and descriptive of all my misadventures in the kitchen.

I tell you this to point out that my reaction was only possible because I have been at this for so long and because I do not measure my worth any more by how I open rice dishes or how well I prepare meals.  Believe me, this wasn’t always the case. 

For many years this kind of experience would have left me feeling inferior, guilty, and filled with shame. One of the advantages of getting older is being able to see oneself more clearly and learning to value one’s strengths. I now have an internal track record of other achievements and an appreciation of my other qualities. My self esteem arsenal has adequate resources from which I can draw at times like these.

I have also established a history with my family over the years where they know that even though I can laugh at myself, I will not accept meanness or their defining me by the struggles I have.  Limits and boundaries have been established and hard fought for in order for this to happen.

So here are some important points to work on in this battle toward embracing imperfection (the subject I will be discussing at two keynotes this fall (add.org and chaddnwmi.org )-

1. You have to work on self acceptance FIRST, before you can expect this from your husband or family. They take their cues from you and you are the one who needs to draw the line about how they treat you and how they view you.
2. You must get to the point inside yourself where you expect and will only accept respect from others. To do this you must find a way to put much more of your time and energy into developing and building your confidence and competence. The goal is not to make perfect rice but to have a fulfilling and satisfying life.
3. Examine how much time you are spending each week in activities in which you are developing your sense of competence and how much time each week you are spending with people who can truly see you as a whole person and not just focus on your problems.
4. Work toward improvement – rather than a full solution.  You don’t need to get over all your challenges before you allow yourself to have a life. 

And, most importantly, work toward wholeness, not perfection. When you begin to see life and yourself  through this new perspective your relationships will start to improve. It starts from inside.

Sari Solden is a therapist and author of "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life" and "Journeys into ADDulthood".  We appreciate her expertise, particularly in the area of how women can manage their ADD and what special issues they face.