You can smooth your relationship (and day!) if you work with the fact that transitions are hard, rather than against it. I was reminded of this by a blog post in which a woman said she emails her husband during the day with their plans for the evening so he can think about it for a while. A terrific idea!
The difficulty that people with ADHD have starting a project, transitioning from one project to the next or finishing something up is really easy to observe. Just watch your ADHD spouse or child try to start something that doesn't seem like fun...it's torturous for them! Or, try to get an untreated person with ADHD off the computer once he or she is engrossed. The house could be burning down and he or she would likely stay glued to the screen! (There are physical reasons for this, too. Your brain "self medicates" with squirts of dopamine when on the computer playing games and doing other "fast" tasks, so this makes that particular disconnection even harder.)
So, what to do? Here are some ideas that may make things easier for everyone:
Medication can also significantly improve how someone with ADHD transitions in and out of tasks. If you are a person with ADHD who has trouble meeting deadlines or initiating difficult tasks, consider trying medications to help you improve in this area. You may not be able to “see” a difference, but your spouse will clearly be able to tell you whether or not the medications help you start and stop more easily.
]]>"Recently my husband-to-be has "come out of the closet" about his ADHD. I embraced his feelings of realization that he had a problem, and I dug into it and talked about it for days with him in hopes that seeking professional help would help us out. The last few months have been rough, especially before marriage!
Reading this passage (in the forum) had made me put a new perspective on things. I do not want my hubby to feel like I know he's broken, I want him to feel whole even though we both know he's broken. It would probably be best if he feels like I still think of him as a whole, and I'll support him no matter even if he goes through therapy for his ADHD."
My thoughts on this posting:
Danger alert here! Go back and read what you wrote! "I want him to feel whole even though we both know he's broken"...This is a recipe for disaster!
He is NOT broken! He has a different way of thinking about things and going through life - a way that will make him hard to live with at times. But a way that still deserves respect!
Do not kid yourself into thinking that if you verbally suport him, but secretly think he is broken, that you'll end up with a healthy relationship. What you'll end up with is a large amount of resentment someday and wonder why you both didn't see it coming.
You fell in love with your fiance in part because of his ADHD - I'll guarantee it. Probably you like his spirit and energy and creativity. BUT, those things aren't going to load the dishwasher or change a baby. SO, you need to decide before you get married what the power of the positive is, and whether or not you and he can create a positive environment for him to manage most of his ADHD symptoms (all, if you are really lucky, but DON'T count on this)! You must decide that YOU (note I am not talking about him right now!):
Here is another way to look at it. Imagine that you discovered you were depressed, as many people are. Would you want your spouse to think of you as "broken"? Would you want him to put pressure on you to change in a certain way, or would you prefer that he support you on your own terms to find what might make your life better?
My suggestion is that you both consider some counselling about marriage, preferably with someone who understands ADHD. You need to explore your expectations about marriage to make sure that you really are ready to support each other through thick or thin. Marriage to a person with ADHD is not for the faint of heart - it takes lots of careful thought and communication skills, it takes patience and generosity, and above all it takes flexibility. The rewards are many, but please make sure you are ready for the challenge.
More thoughts that I didn't post in the forum:
Relationship research shows that couples are easily able to read their spouse's body language. So even if you say you are verbally supporting a spouse, if you "secretly" believe that he's broken, he'll "hear" that loud and clear. Because the feeling is unspoken, though, he'll have difficulty responding to it, which means that you'll end up with some really big "taboo" issues and bad feelings.
And, if she thinks that he's broken (and she's not), then it will be all too easy for this couple to fall into the parent/child syndrome, where she "takes over" for him, and they both resent this.
]]>Anyway, I am coming back...I will catch back up this week, then post sporadically for August into early September, and then be back in full force. In the meantime, I encourage you all to continue writing your thoughts and ideas.
Thanks for your patience!
]]>First, let’s look at the difference between ADHD as a “reason” something is done and an “excuse” by looking at examples:
Reason: Previously undiagnosed ADHD led a man to be distracted so regularly that his spouse felt unloved.
Excuse: The same man, now diagnosed, refuses to work on diminishing the distraction he experiences even though in conversations about their marriage his wife has indicated that this is one of the main sources of pain for her in their marriage.
Reason: Woman with ADHD cannot make it out the door to important monthly office parties with her husband as she has no sense of time and gets lost in the act of getting ready. She says she tries hard but her efforts aren’t paying off.
Excuse: Same woman continues to be late, and makes no effort to try other strategies for getting out the door. She also gets angry when her husband decides that he’ll leave ahead of her and meet her there.
In both of these examples, the ADHD symptom (distraction, inability to track the passing of time) explains the initial behavior. It is the unwillingness of the spouse to take responsibility for finding a suitable “middle ground” with his/her spouse that turns the symptom from “reason” to “excuse”. Most people with ADHD are able, with perseverance, to find a way to manage at least some of their most problematic symptoms. From a healthy relationship standpoint, it’s important for the ADHD spouse to make this effort.
The ADHD version of using ADHD as an excuse is “you know I can’t do that because I have ADHD. I’m done trying (or don’t need to try).” The non-ADHD spouse’s version of using ADHD as an excuse is “You’ll never be able to do that because you have ADHD. There is no reason to keep hoping that things will get better because you prove time and time again you can’t succeed.”
Neither is accurate. The best ADHD marriages are those that find a middle ground. Put another way, it is NOT the responsibility of the ADHD spouse to become “non-ADHD”. Nor is it the responsibility of an ADHD spouse to meet every whim and expectation of an ultra-demanding non-ADD partner. On the other side of things, it is not the responsibility of the non-ADHD spouse to constantly have to pick up after the disasters of an ADHD spouse who is not treating his or her ADHD. The idea here is to acknowledge the needs of BOTH partners, and find a working middle ground that works well enough for both to become happy with their relationship again. In the worst case scenario, a couple will find that there are “deal breakers” – things that are incredibly important to one spouse that simply can’t be accommodated by the other. This is where divorce comes in…but that is, of course, a last resort for most. It’s much more desirable to find that middle ground.
You might think that finding this middle ground would be easy, but in ADHD-affected relationships, there is a complicating factor – the ADD spouse is often out of touch with how their ADHD affects other people. In addition, after a lifetime of listening to people tell them they could do better “if they would only try harder”, people with ADHD are understandably sensitive to criticism that their spouse might make of their role in the decline of their relationship.
Couple this with an almost uncanny ADHD ability to create their own happy little zone that doesn’t relate to the world (and people) around them, and you have the makings of a great deal of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and hard feelings.
My husband will still tell you that the hardest part of dealing with his ADHD wasn’t learning about what ADHD, or experimenting with ways to deal with it. The hardest part was seeing – and internalizing - what effect ADHD had on me and the people around him. He was pretty happy doing his work and being on his computer (and having the house and family organized by his spouse). Even though I told him repeatedly how miserable I was, he still didn’t comprehend what I was saying. The eye-opener for him was that he started working for someone with ADHD and got to experience first hand what it was like to be with someone who was completely unaware of how his answering a cell phone interrupted a meeting, or how the impossible requests and always late timetables he imposed kept everyone running without purpose. George tried to “talk some sense” into this man, only to be rebuffed. Soon he began to see parallels between how his ADHD symptoms affected our relationship and what he was seeing in the office.
You can’t replicate this experience, though you can ask your spouse to trust others who have had it (i.e. us and others like us). It simply takes a willingness to suspend the ADD spouse’s disbelief in what his unhappy spouse is telling him for a while, and replace it with an openness to deciding that ADHD can, and is, affecting everyone around him as much as it is affecting him.
Once an ADHD spouse is willing to admit that those whom they love are affected in a negative way by his behaviors, the logical next step is to ask for input on figuring out what needs to change. Or, put another way, if your motivation is to change what hurts your spouse and your relationship most, don’t waste energy and effort changing just any thing. Target what needs changing the most. As people with ADHD are notoriously bad at creating hierarchies (i.e. most in need of change at one end of the list to least in need of change at the other) and because the issue isn’t how one person is acting, but how two people are interacting, it makes sense to do this together.
You can’t change everything that makes you unhappy. My personal rule of thumb is to “let go” of at least 50% of the things that bother me (the non-ADHD spouse) and ask my husband to let go of half of what is bothering him. As a couple, focus on only those symptoms that you identify as being most destructive. If you can’t tease out which these are from a rather long list, get a therapist to help you. (For us, the first two things we chose to focus on were diminishing my anger, and having him spend more time with me when he was focused just on me and us.)
This may sound as if you are giving up a lot. "Let go of 50%?" you say! But what we found is that the stuff at the bottom of the list wasn't as important as we had thought. It only seemed important because we were at such odds with each other. Once we focused on the important things, our increasing happiness with each other and with our relationship helped those smaller things disappear.
If the relationship is to be repaired, neither partner can use ADHD as an excuse. Somewhere deep inside the ADHD spouse has to find the energy to attack important ADHD symptoms from every angle until he finds an approach that resolves the issues those symptoms were creating. And somewhere deep inside the non-ADHD spouse has to find hope, forgiveness and generosity of spirit.
It takes immense effort (and usually improved communication), but the rewards – a relationship which is more balanced and respectful – can lead to the next step, falling back in love again.
]]>What: Couples therapy group with Dr. Ned Hallowell and Sue Hallowell
Who: About 8 couples (maximum of 12). Both members of the couple need to be present and at least one with ADHD.
Where: Sudbury, MA at the Hallowell Center, 142 North Road, Sudbury, MA 01776
When: Three Tuesday evenings - June 24, July 22, July 29. The group will meet from 6:00 - 7:30 pm on each of those evenings
How much: There is a charge of $300 per couple for the three sessions
How to register: Call the Sudbury Hallowell Center at 978-287-0810.
]]>Nancy Ratey is both an educator and a coach, and has been a leader in the development of ADHD coaching standards. Her new book, The Disorganized Mind: Coaching your ADHD Brain to Take Control of Your Time, Tasks, and Talents provides some real insight into what has worked for her and for her clients. She acknowledges that many ADHD behaviors seem intractable, and then shows the reader why they aren't. No messing around - her method takes lots of work - but she tells you how to set up a structure to support long-term engagement and to get enough immediate results so that you will be inspired to continue. She feels you are ready to use her book effectively if you can answer "yes" to many of the following questions:
A second resource is an upcoming ADDA conference in Minneapolis from July 10-13. Keynote speakers include Ned Hallowell, John Ratey and Sari Solden. Sari Solden has an interesting topic for her speech "A Whole New View of Success - Aiming for Wholeness Instead of Perfection" and Nancy Ratey will be talking about the information in her new book mentionned above. To see the full program, go to this link.
]]>My overarching philosophy that underlies all of the ideas below is that trust is built upon honesty, albeit honesty that is appropriate to the age of the child in question. In the worst-case scenario, it seems far worse to me to try to “hide” your marital discord from a child (could you, really, in any event?!) and suddenly pull the rug out from under him by announcing you are getting a divorce, than it is to have the child understand that you weren’t getting along for some time, tried hard, but just couldn’t make it work. How would a child ever learn to trust what someone was telling them again, if his parents weren’t even honest with him? No, I do not, philosophically, believe that children need to be shown some sanitized version of relationships. Rather, I think that they can, to varying degrees as they age, accept that relationships can be complex and observe that effort needs to be expended to keep relationships healthy.
So, that said, here are my rules of thumb about how to talk to kids about your relationship:
The younger the child, the less answer he is looking for. A four year old who asks “why do you and mommy fight so much?” does not need a lesson in marital relations. A simple “we are having some trouble getting along right now, but are trying to work it out” is enough. On the other hand, if your teen throws “Why don’t you just get divorced?! You seem to hate each other!” in your face, he deserves a more thoughtful response.
Keep it simple, but thoughtful. I’ve always believed that kids have a “bullshit-o-meter”. Though they may accept what you are telling them, mine, at least, always can tell when an adult is glossing things over. I think it shows respect to be honest and thoughtful, without going into a lot of detail. Or, put another way, when they ask questions, they are probably looking for confirmation that what they think they are seeing is real, and reassurance that you are trying to deal with your problems. They are not looking for a blow-by-blow recap of why your spouse is a monster.
Keep your explanations as positive as possible. I would not tell a child I was considering consulting a divorce lawyer to try to decide whether or not to get a divorce. This would create anxiety, without providing much reassurance or, in fact, any real direction (you might decide not to use the lawyer, or get the divorce, for example). But I might say “your father and I are having a tough time in our relationship right now. We are trying very hard to work things out if we can.” This acknowledges your issues, tells the child you are trying to work things out, and also suggests you may not be able to, without bringing in the concept of a lawyer.
Make sure they know your problems are not their fault. Kids sometimes personalize family issues. Make sure that they understand that your issues are adult issues with each other, and that you love them unreservedly (and always will).
Keep from blaming, and personalizing, ADD. This is tricky because much of the conflict in your relationship may be around ADD symptoms. But in a household where at least one adult is diagnosed with ADD, then often at least one child is diagnosed (in part because usually the kids get diagnosed first). This means that any personal invectives hurled at each other about ADD can also be taken personally by an ADD child who overhears them. For example: “You are so lazy – I can’t believe I ever married you!” yelled in anger not only unfairly attacks the adult by not acknowledging some of the challenges faced by people with ADD, but also could make a child wonder “but I have trouble doing things, too! Will my mother reject me, too?” Or consider, “I just want you to not have ADD – then I could love you!” While your spouse may understand this as shorthand for “I want you to get your ADD symptoms under control so our life together is easier,” a child would not necessarily get this (not having been part of your other conversations). He would only see that ADD=unlovable.
It’s okay to admit you are having problems, and that you are sad, angry or upset. Your child already knows this through observation of your behavior. In fact, I personally think it is better for your children to see you “own” your feelings, rather than hide them. This sets an example for them to “own” their own feelings and, hopefully, share them with you.
Every once in a while, check in. You want to make sure your child has an opportunity to discuss her feelings with you. Particularly with middle and high schoolers, look for opportunities to ask "are you okay?" or "I know things were kind of tense around here last night. Do you have any feelings you want to talk about?" Make sure this is done in private, and that you don't take advantage of that privacy to push your own agenda. Listen, and listen some more.
Keep your relationships with your children healthy, but don't rely on them as a surrogate for your marital relationship. If you are having a tough time with your husband, it may be tempting to focus all of your attention on your kids (particularly if they are very young). Relationships with kids, are often more straightforward than difficult relationships with spouses. But if you spend all your attention on your child, you are not allocating enough time to do positive things with your spouse. In fact, I've seen numerous examples where women (usually) so devote themselves to their child's needs that their spouse becomes very resentful. Ultimately, not spreading your love around can put pressure on your child and undermine your marriage.
Your child is not your friend or your therapist. Therefore, do not go to him/her for advice or reinforcement. It does not help your child if you say “don’t you think Daddy was awful when he….(fill in the blank)?” or "I can't believe your mother forgot to pick you up from school again today!" This is asking the child to take sides – a big no-no.
Professional help is always an option. Don’t forget that a family or individual therapist can help a child work through the emotions he is feeling about his family situation. Position this help as a healthy outlet for his feelings, not someone you go to as a last resort.
]]>Thoughts and actions are not equally satisfying: You may be thinking about me a lot, but when you are off in your own world, or distracted by something else, I have no way of knowing that. To me, it feels as if you almost never think of me. It makes me sad. In the future, can you take a few seconds and show me through actions, not thoughts, that you are thinking of me? A short kiss, an “I love you” or some other action will mean a lot to me.
I really don’t like being a nag, but can’t figure out a more effective way to get your attention: People with ADD are content to be off in their own world. That’s okay most of the time, but if I had wanted to be completely ignored, I wouldn’t have gotten married. Over the years, I’ve learned that the easiest (notice, I’m not saying “best”) way to get your attention is to be in your face and nag you or express anger. I bet you don’t like this, and I sure don’t! Help me stop this pattern by setting up a cue that we agree upon. When I really need you’re attention, I’ll use this cue…and you’ll agree to stop what you are involved with, and pay attention. I promise not to abuse this – and we’ll get along so much better!
I love you a lot, but wonder if you love me: People without ADD need positive, physical reinforcement. I want to think that you love me, but when you get distracted by just about everything but me, it’s hard to keep thinking I’m one of your priorities. Why should a car, or a computer, or a game be more important than me? As hard as I try to not take this personally, sometimes I just can’t. I need some time, every week, when you are focused on just me – nothing else. Your effort to do this will tell me that you do love me, and will make me feel so much better and happier! Let’s take some time right now and schedule some time together.
I want to show you my love, but my anger is getting in the way: I love you. A lot. I envision a future where you’ve addressed some of your ADD symptoms – and I’ve addressed my bad responses to them – so that we can have fun and enjoy each other again. But we need to work together on this, not fight each other because there’s too much anger and frustration on both sides right now. Can we work together? Please?
I’m working really hard at this relationship, but sometimes despair because it doesn’t feel to me like you are, too: I’m not asking that we meet in the exact middle. But sometimes I despair that we’ll never meet at all! I need attention, and one form of attention is having you take my needs seriously enough to show an effort in my direction. This gets back to the “thoughts and actions” are not the same as ideas notion. I want to be happy around you (and you want me to be happy around you – it’s so much easier that way!) but it’s hard to keep always trying without seeing any reciprocal action. Can we agree on one thing that you’ll work on for me and make a plan for how that will happen? Then I’ll feel happier, which will make me be happier, which will benefit us both.
We both have our strengths and weaknesses: You probably think that all I ever do is tell you what you’re doing wrong and that this somehow means that I think I’m perfect. I apologize for nagging you, and I don’t think I’m perfect (the nagging is proof I’m not!) Let’s acknowledge that we are both people, inherently not perfect, and make a plan to get around those things one or both of us isn’t so strong at. Solutions might include changing who does what, or hiring outside help.
I’m sorry that I’m angry: I hate feeling angry all the time. It’s starting to really make me dislike myself, in fact. I understand why I feel angry – our relationship isn’t going in the direction I thought it would. You’re probably angry about this, too. I badly want to work through my anger – and to have you admit, and work through – yours. This will take some behavior changes on both sides…and perhaps some professional help, but let’s make it a mutual goal to work through it – for our (non-angry and potentially wonderful) future. A good first step will be for me to learn how to accept my past anger, forgive myself, and move on. Would you consider doing this, too?
I want to have fun! What happened to the days when we loved spending time together? Our life is too serious and angry right now. Let’s schedule some fun stuff together (and get a sitter if we need to). The crazier, and the further away from our everyday lives, the better!
I want you to want me: We’re having some problems right now, which may affect our sex life, but I really long for the days when sex was fun, and exciting, and I felt loved and safe with you. I want you to want me sexually, and when we get rid of some of the anger, and I feel more confident that you can show me you love me, can we smooth things out sexually? I really want that. Maybe we can start with smaller signs of affection? Or maybe just go have some great sex…right now!
]]>In a nutshell, our phone company notified us several months ago that they were going to change our service and we needed to either change with them or choose another carrier. My husband, being the household techie, wanted to take care of it. My only stipulations were that I wanted no interruption in the service (it is both for home and work) and that I wanted good, reliable quality.
We’ve had many calls over the last few months reminding us of the change. To be fair, my husband was working on getting the job done, but was dissatisfied with our various options. He said he had it under control, but by yesterday afternoon my main number (the one that everyone calls for both work and personal reasons) had a recording on it “This number has been disconnected.” The fastest anyone can do anything about it now is six days.
It’s a pretty sure bet that if the phone concerned had been his work and personal phone that things would never have gotten to this point – not in a million years would he let his business or personal phone service expire and end up with a disconnect recording on it! Which is why the whole episode took me straight back to the “bad old days” – those days when I seethed with anger much of the time, and felt as if I could never rely on my husband to take care of anyone but himself. I felt as I used to – the last person being thought of, and not particularly carefully, at that.
I was astounded at how quickly those feelings I thought I had overcome returned! That anger seemed to explode inside! However, I have learned a few things in the past year, and so was able to minimize the damage that his thoughtlessness could have wreaked. Here’s what I did:
First, I called him and said very calmly (or pretty calmly, at least) “I haven’t been mad at you for a long time. But I am furious with you right now. My absolute top priority was to not have my phone service interrupted. How are we going to take care of this?”
He’s smart enough to know that I don’t blow smoke anymore. So his response was “I understand. I’ll call the company right now and see what they say.” He then called to arrange the next available appointment to fix the problem (six days away), as well as pursued whether or not a recording could be put on the phone to forward people to my cell (it can’t). He also made the gracious gesture of arranging his schedule so that he would be home when the service trucks arrived, so as to not add insult to injury.
But I was still mad – no phone service is no phone service, and all those bad feelings were still churning around in there – so I knew it was time for me to take charge of my anger and diffuse it. Here’s what helped:
• He hadn’t apologized yet, which was making me even more mad, so I just asked him for an apology. He gave it (somewhat grudgingly, because he was quite nonplussed at the return of the angry me, too), and I accepted it as graciously as I could at the time.
• I actively sought ways to put the error into perspective in my mind. No one died (I reminded myself that I used to fantasize that his lack of attention would get one or both of my kids killed in a car with him – and that no phone service was a lot better than something like that). And, I reviewed the good things that had been happening between us of late, and tried to fix those in my mind.
• I made, and implemented, a plan to cover at least some of my bases. I emailed family and people I worked with to tell them to call my cell phone for the period, and called those people in the neighborhood who might try my son. I made a point of just saying “our phone is out of service until Tuesday” rather than disparage George by alluding to his complicity in the issue
• I told him that I was mad and asked him for permission to let me vent a little bit to him. He figured he deserved that, at least, and so I got a chance to verbalize to him why I was so mad. But since I had asked him first, he was able to remain calm about it – even joke a bit – which ended up making me feel better. I made a point of not taking the conversation anywhere past the specific “now” issue – no phone service. In other words, I did not throw the past at him or make personal remarks, because we have previously agreed to let the past rest in the past.
• When I was feeling mostly, but not completely, better, I suggested that perhaps a bit of intimate time together might warm up our somewhat chilly demeanors. I will admit that the invitation was not the warmest I’ve ever issued, but he recognized the olive branch (or olive whip, as he later joked) for what it was.
• Finally, I accepted that those feelings from the past are part of me, and forgave myself for experiencing them again. I am, after all, only human. But being “only human” also means choosing what responses one chooses to pursue.
I’m not proud about the fact that those negative feelings were so easy to access. On the other hand, I am happy to see that both my husband and I were able to work through them quickly (within 24 hours) and as a team. The bullets above show how effective creating and sticking with certain communication rules can be in maintaining your equilibrium. It was particularly helpful for me to not trash my husband to others, or to allow myself to dig up the past again.
Perhaps you’ll be able to adapt this experience to your own life.
]]>Action, reaction. Non-ADD spouses have difficulty seeing the role that their reactions play in the day-do-day health of their relationships. To get a better feel for it, think about this (somewhat) hypothetical situation:
For the third time this week, your spouse comes home later from the office than he had told you he would. Dinner is soggy, and you finally decided to sit down and eat with the kids without him. When he walks through the door you…
Any of these responses is possible. But the first four show affection and compassion for the late spouse’s situation, and give him (or her) the benefit of the doubt when it comes to his reasons for being late. The last three do not.
When a non-ADD spouse acts in ways consistent with affection and compassion, the ADD spouse feels accepted and safe. In that type of safe environment, ADD symptoms (which are often emotionally painful to both spouses, not just the non-ADD spouse) are easier to both laugh at and, also, to address. Safety is a critical element of treating ADD. It's hard work to work to manage many of these symptoms, and a safe, loving environment makes all that effort feel worthwhile. At the opposite end of the spectrum, when an ADD spouse feels consistently attacked or punished, it is all too easy to fall into the pattern of feeling as if it isn’t even worth making the effort to improve things because he’ll never be good enough in any event.
I would argue that, in fact, the response to the late homecoming is MORE important than the late homecoming itself. Those last three responses can be seen as forms of punishment – and “punishment” should not be an element of any relationship between two loving adults. If you have an issue (such as frequently coming home later than expected) there are many constructive ways to address it – but punishment isn’t one of them.
Here’s another example:
Your ADD spouse is starting another project that you fear will not get completed, just as the last three did not. You are frustrated by the mess these projects leave behind. You:
It takes patience to respond in the first four ways, as well as a “can do” kind of attitude. These responses demonstrate an underlying respect for the spouse and who he is. They also show a willingness to roll up your sleeves and pitch in to help the household run more smoothly. In other words, these four solutions acknowledge that disorganization is part of the fabric of having ADD, and provide specific actions to take that into account in your relationship. Contrast that with the last three responses. They are inactive (no help or constructive ideas offered), negative, and demeaning.
Here’s the good news. A non-ADD spouse can change his or her response to their ADD spouse at will. Well, I say “at will” which may make it sound easy. It’s not easy, but it is possible. To do so, a non-ADD spouse needs to:
Action and reaction. It really is a matter of willpower. You can’t “fake” it. Marriage research shows that spouses can tell when their significant other says “it’s okay” and really means “it’s not okay”. Couples who “fake” it make no improvement at all. No, while they may take work, these responses need to be real. But recognizing the overarching importance of the non-ADD spouse’s responses in improving the health of the relationship can be the turning point that starts a relationship back towards the loving partnership you deserve. It was for me.
]]>I used to think that my husband (that guy with the ADHD!) changed after we got married. And to be fair, he did. He stopped hyperfocusing on me – I went from being “queen for a day” to being, well, chopped liver in about the amount of time it took us to complete our honeymoon. In my complete confusion over this change of events I didn’t take into account that I had changed, too. What is it about tying the knot that suddenly made me so demanding? Don’t get me wrong – my husband knew I was strong willed – he just didn’t know I was THAT strong willed!
This is not an ADD/non-ADD thing, per se. It is the reality of realizing that you are supposed to be with this person who has those annoying habits for the rest of your life!!! Wow! Those shaving clippings in the sink in the morning seem a lot more annoying when you think you might have to put up with them every day for the next 50 years! Why suffer? Better to “get rid” of that habit (and all the rest of the ones that you are seeing with fresh eyes) now!!! A little nagging should do the trick…
We’ve had several younger and newly married couples write about how badly they feel about their new spouse and marriage, suggesting ADD is the culprit. ADD is likely contributing to their issues, and that's what this blog is all about, but I would encourage newlyweds to also consider the subtle pressure that the words “the rest of your life” put on you as they rumble around in the back of your head. Problems seem super-sized when tagged with “forever”!
I can look back now and laugh at the time that I screamed, full-throttle, at my husband for spewing grass clippings into my just-worked-on flower beds. (Even better, he can laugh at it, too.) It wasn’t one of my best moments. With more perspective, I would have seen that it also wasn't that big a deal. On a more serious note, I can, and do, look back with regret at the amount of time that I spent trying to create my husband into someone he isn’t, by trying to “fix” his ADHD symptom foibles. The harder I tried to fix him, the worse he became, and I don’t blame him. I bristle when people try to “fix” me, too.
The big lesson out of all of this is that accepting him, rather than trying to fix him, cleared the way for the two of us to constructively work on our relationship. He stopped hearing the message “you are broken and need fixing” and started to hear the message “I want for us to be a real couple again.” By accepting him, I set both of us free. I set him free to try new things and not fear failure. To be happy with himself and to love me again, rather than wonder when I would next attack him or whether he would ever be "good enough" for me.
For those of you who think that women like to be nags, I beg to differ. Though I had trouble controlling it because I couldn’t think imaginatively enough to find a better solution to my marital woes, I found nagging to be depressing. I came to really dislike myself before I decided to stop. In fact, the single biggest reason that I decided to stop was because I so disliked the person I had become. I was so miserable that I decided that it didn't matter if my marriage fell apart - first and foremost I wanted to be my happy self again. My husband falling in love with me again was a side-benefit (a big one!) to my refinding who I really was.
I guess I finally figured out what the small print on that wedding license really said...and all of the surprising benefits that those words held..they didn't say "control", they said "to have and to hold" love, cherish and respect.
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Like many parents, my firsts experience with a diagnosis with ADD came through my child. My approach was to help her, in any way I could. I learned everything I could about ADD, talked with her (very good) doctor, worked with her school to make sure she got the assistance she needed there. At her doctor’s recommendation, we let her make the decision about whether or not to take medications (she didn’t want to for about 2 years, until school got harder). I spent lots of time sitting with her while she did homework, trying to keep her focused, and even more time directing her life.
One of the benefits of a childhood diagnosis of ADD is that you and your child often feel as if you are “making progress” – in part because kids naturally change and move forward as they grow up. This provides positive reinforcement for the parent who helps the child. “Okay, it was a struggle, but look what she can do now!” you think. Another benefit is that kids naturally listen to what their parents have to say (at least when they are younger). For the most part, they are interested in being in your good graces. One of your jobs, as parent, is to set structure for your child, and ADD kids in particular need that structure – welcoming it.
When your child struggles with the symptoms of ADD, your heart goes out to her. You ache for her, and wish that she would have an easier time of it. You are also ready to celebrate every victory that comes her way in obvious and noisy fashion. In short, you “parent” your child – overtly and protectively.
But, the things that you do to support your child are usually not good for your marital relationship. Your spouse does not generally want you to run his life, nor does he look to you for wisdom and, after a while, if you’ve been fighting over ADD symptoms, he’ll be so mad he won’t give a fig about what you think of him!
There are some pretty important differences between parenting a child with ADD and being married to a spouse with ADD that you should be aware of. First, adults don’t have the same forward growth momentum that helps enable changes in your child. Your spouse is already pretty fully developed and change comes from hard work, not getting a year older. This means that your ADD spouse seems more prone to get “stuck” and do things over and over again than your child (which is just the opposite of what you would expect – you expect the adult to be able to progress, and the child to get stuck). Non-ADD spouses tend not to take into account just how hard it is to make big changes as an adult, particularly when they are simultaneously observing the progress a child is making.
Second, it is your job to “parent” your child. Your child expects this, and so do you. This makes both of you in tune with your role. However, it is your job to “romantically support” your spouse. He does not expect you to parent him, and will likely resent it if you do. Furthermore, if you parent your spouse you will lose the romance of your marriage, as it’s almost impossible to be sexually attracted to a parent figure. Instead of being in tune, you'll find that accusations of "you've changed" will ring out if you start trying to "manage" your husband's ADD.
Third, while you “ache” for your child’s failures, frustration with lack of “progress” in your spouse more quickly leads to anger that your full grown spouse can’t do better. This not-so-subtle difference is communicated clearly through your actions and tone of voice to your spouse, who comes to think that you don’t like him. For a non-ADD spouse, it’s much harder not to take the ADD symptoms personally when they are exhibited by an adult “who should know better” than by a child who is “still learning”.
So here’s what I want you to do:
The original message from our reader shows from his own personal experience why improved memory from his ADD treatment is so important in his own relationships:
“… it's blazingly obvious in my own life (that memory and ADD are linked). I was diagnosed with ADHD about 18 months ago (I'm currently 38), and started on meds. When I look back over my life, it's like an enormous fogbank with occasional flashes of color...up until about 18 months ago. I can actually remember stuff that has happened since then. I can correlate multiple experiences and identify resulting consequences (and let me tell you, this has led to enormous revelations, both about myself and about my relationships). I can have a conversation about something that's happened in the past year and a half and not sound like a blithering idiot. In short: medication for ADHD has been a huge boost in my ability to remember things. It's vaguely possible that this is all attributable to some other thing, cause unknown, but Occam's Razor would place a thumb squarely on the ADHD.”
So, next time you are trying to think of reasons why it might make sense to get treatment for your ADD, think of Dr. Hallowell’s nail and hammer analogy, as well as how nice it would be to be able to “correlate multiple experiences and identify resulting consequences”!
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