ADHD and Marriage

ADHD and Marriage: The Politics of Bedtime

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:20:56 +0000

Do you find yourself uptight about whether or not your spouse’s sleeping schedule matches yours? Does going to bed at night together put you on edge? Are you unsure how to communicate about how close you want to be (or don’t want to be)? You may be suffering from an experience similar to the one my husband and I had.

ADHD Marriages: Lowering Expectations vs. Improving Them

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:58:10 +0000

I often hear the comment that non-ADHD spouses need to lower their expectations in order to be happy in their relationships. I would disagree. I think that all spouses need to improve their expectations. Let me explain my thinking, and how this might work in the real world.

ADD Husband Asks for Help Turning Marriage Around

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 23:47:52 +0000

You know you have ADD. Your marriage is disintegrating and you think the ADD might have something to do with it, but you can’t figure out what to do improve things. What do you do? This post is very long, but worth the 10 minutes you’ll need to take to get through it as it gets at the very heart of what goes wrong in many ADD relationships. I think every couple struggling with ADD can learn important coping skills from my response to this man’s question.
The man who posted the comment that inspired this post is completely typical of the high achieving ADD man. In spite of his business success, his story shows these classic patterns of a downwardly spiraling ADD relationship at home:

Should I Be Frightened For My ADD Relationship?

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:49:50 +0000

I have read a couple of posts recently that have noted that reading all of the posts in the forum makes people frightened for the future of their relationship with a person with ADD. “Do we have a chance?” these people ask. The answer, unequivocally, is YES! Let me share one of these posts, which I think really clearly states many of the issues in ADD relationships, and then tell you why and how I think this couple can (and will) succeed.

Calling Non-ADD Spouses - Your Tips for Making Your Marriage Work

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:03:40 +0000

I've been reading an interesting forum posting series from non-ADD spouses about the kinds of things they say helps them navigate their relationships. I would love to hear from more of you. What works for you? What tips would you give others? You've seen lots of what I write...now it's your turn to "dole out the advice"! And, if you want to read that forum, go to this link. (But please put your ideas attached to this blog post so that others can easily find them!)

What Makes a Good Marriage Counselor?

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:35:48 +0000

Just read an entry on Sari Solden's blog about what to look for when searching for a marriage counselor if one or more of you has ADHD. Go to this link to read her suggestions.

The Side Effects of Not Taking Medication

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 15:30:45 +0000

It’s common to have concerns about taking medications for ADHD. “I don’t want to be medicated every day” is a common theme, as are concerns about side effects. But not taking medications also has side effects. Today I thought that I would try to cover some of the pros and cons of this difficult issue.

Join Me in ADHD Awareness Marathon

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 13:24:07 +0000

Interested in delving deeper into some of your issues in real time? I will be hosting a live chat on the topic of adhd and marriage on this coming Wednesday, September 17 from 11:30 am to 12:30 pm. Please feel free to come online and have a conversation with me. It's part of an ADHD Awareness marathon sponsored by ADDClasses.com, which includes a week of events with ADHD experts (interviews, chats, ability to write questions and get a quick answer). It's all FREE, and you can register at this link

Embarrassment in Social Situations

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:52:11 +0000

Are you embarrassed when your ADD spouse takes over a conversation at a party, and doesn’t notice when his audience winces or starts to yawn? People with ADD often have more difficulty reading emotional cues than those without, and this can cause some interesting moments both socially, and even between just the two of you at home. What to do?

Work With Transition Issues, Not Against Them

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:46:27 +0000

Transitions are often very hard with people with ADHD, and this can cause headaches for couples. The typical response is that a non-ADD spouse expresses anger and disappointment that the ADHD spouse is never on time, can’t start or complete chores, and never seems to get into bed at a reasonable hour. This doesn’t need to be the way things are, though...

If You Know About ADHD Before You Are Married

MelissaOrlov — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:58:53 +0000

I recently read posting from a woman who has recently discovered her fiance has ADHD. In a somewhat unexpected way, the post brings forward some real issues for those who are considering marriage to an ADHD person, so I thought it worthwhile to post it, and some thoughts on this topic, as a blog entry:

Where's Melissa?

MelissaOrlov — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:42:31 +0000

A thank you to all who have been posting responses and ideas in the forum this month! As I catch back up with the blog and forum (I've been on vacation, feeling guilty about not attending to all of you...but immersed enough in what I was doing that I didn't really have time to respond to the forum questions thoughtfully). I've been impressed with the tone, as well as the content. of what people have written. (One person even posted EXACTLY what I would have posted as a response on memory - an article from a Hallowell newsletter. Wow!)

The ADHD Marriage Balancing Act

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:00:17 +0000

Ned Hallowell likes to say that while ADHD can be a reason you did something in the past, it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to do it over and over again. But before the non-ADD of you start to say “see, this is exactly what I mean!” let me clarify. Both ADHD and non-ADHD spouses sometimes use ADHD as an excuse for their behavior…just in different ways. So where do you draw the line? What’s an excuse, and what’s real? How much does either partner accommodate ADHD, and when do you draw a line and say “enough!”? It’s a delicate balancing act.

ADHD & Marriage Therapy in Person with Dr. Hallowell

MelissaOrlov — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:26:37 +0000

Starting soon..! For those of you who are within driving distance of Boston, Dr. Hallowell and his wife, Sue (an excellent therapist in her own right) will be conducting three group therapy sessions for couples starting this June 24th. This is a great opportunity for couples where one or both partners has ADHD to get the advice of real experts, in person, and to meet others who share some of the issues. The details follow - please read them before calling to register:

Creating New Behaviors - a Resource

MelissaOrlov — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:24:51 +0000

There are two new resources that I want to make you aware of. One is a new book by Nancy Ratey that provides a really interesting and useful approach to finally changing the ADHD behaviors that have seem so entrenched. The other is an upcoming conference about ADHD, sponsored by ADDA.

ADD and Marriage Problems: What to Tell Your Kids

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:19:00 +0000

If you are in a marital crisis, do you say anything about it to your kids? While the answer to this question is extremely personal, I think there are some rules of thumb. Some of these are based in my personal feelings about how you foster trust in relationships, including the parent/child relationship. I would love to hear what you think and your own approaches.

The Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:31:35 +0000

I spend a lot of time helping non-ADD spouses understand how to interpret their ADD husband’s actions (or, more frequently, inactions – a word I use without judgment.) I think it’s time to write a piece for the ADD male about what non-ADD women want. Perhaps you’ve seen the movie “What Women Want”? This is what I think you would hear if you were Mel Gibson and could hear your wife’s thoughts.

Husband's Turn

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:22:23 +0000

Many on this site have asked for my husband's ideas and opinions. What's it like to have a non-ADD wife? How did you come to terms with what ADD symptoms affect your marriage? George has agreed to answer your questions here...but to keep him from being on the hook forever, I'm asking that you send your questions now (respond to this post) and up until May 23. Then we'll let him get back to his own life!

ADD and Marriage: Keeping from Going Backwards

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:32:23 +0000

I had a quick lesson yesterday in just how easy it is to fall back into old patterns when you are working to overcome anger and resentment. But my day was also a reminder about what it takes to keep those emotions under control, so I thought I would share it with you.

ADHD and Marriage: Using "Action and Reaction" to Turn Your Relationship Around

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:09:24 +0000

There are a number of posts in our forum from non-ADD spouses who would like to blame their ADD spouses for the troubles in their marriages. I personally think “blame” should be considered a 4-letter word that is banned from all marriages. The fact of the matter is that we are all responsible for the state of our relationships. Or, to paraphrase Newton’s laws of motion, “for every action, there is a reaction”.