I always thought the 25th anniversary would be awesome especially since I am still young at 42 years old. I told him years ago that we would have to save up for a huge party. This year I told him I didn't want a party. I don't want to pretend anymore, especially since he has hear me cry and plead for him to get help and he has not. Even when I told him he was losing me because of his self-loathing and tantrums and physically beating himself, he didn't get help or come in to comfort me while I was crying and shaking. His reason: An apology wouldn't matter and would only sound like a justification. I actually left him for one month in April of this year. I came back because it hurt to see him sulk so much. Maybe I thought this year would be different because it was almost over. Silly me.
Yesterday I text him as usual to say good morning and have a nice day and got no reply. He got home from work at 8:30 PM and barely said a word to me. He sat in his armchair watching tv until 1:30 AM. I was in bed by 9:30 PM. This has been years now. For some reason, I thought the day before our 25 th would be different. Why did I think that? I am usually the cheerleader and initiator but I am running on steam. I am very depressed these days and that is unlike me. Everyone calls me Sunshine. This morning I woke up as usual and he was snoring away. I left for work 30 minutes earlier than usual so that I could buy myself some breakfast. How much better it would be to feel special everyday so that on that anniversary day you would be happy to celebrate it all. Instead, there is pain and confusion and loneliness most of the time. It makes this one day feel a little forced. I can't even buy him a card because I can't say anything that he doesn't already feel and see in my sadness. Happy Endurance Anniversary day to me. I never thought 25 years would feel this way. I guess he feels the same way.
Ain’t Really Love- Mary J. Blige
Everyday I'm trying to get to know ya
But more and more you're changing up your act
Everyday I look for ways to bring us closer
But more and more you appear to be drawing back
And lately when We're making love its getting weaker
My heart don't feeling it and feeling is everything
And I'm feeling like maybe you just don't feel it
And I don't know how to play it
In the past, didn't know how to say it
But I...
[CHORUS]
I held my tongue too long
I can't do it no more (I just can't do it babe)
See how can a man be so cold
To a woman that loves him most (I don't get it at all)
(But if you wanna go) There's the door
(I can't hold ya) Boy you're grown
(You must got me confused) Ooooooo
(I treat myself way too good)
And a love that tears you down ain't really love
Everyday I'm getting up and making breakfast
And more and more you're walking in without a word
And everyday I'm trying to ask, "Baby what's wrong?"
And more and more you say I'm getting on your nerves
And then you take me to the level of some bullshit
Ya said ya never had these problems from a white chic
You got me twisted and twisted is just not how I get with it
You need to sit down and hear it
Ohh...
[CHORUS]
I'm pouring out my heart (my heart)
Don't just sit there while my heart is on the line
Speak your truth (speak your truth)
What it's worth (what it's worth)
Not a word you say will go unheard
Now if it's like that
Then baby just pack your bags
Cause I'm sick and tired of fighting
I'm sick and tired of trying
I had enough of waiting
I'm not that good with playing
I know I love you
But I love myself too
I won't say "happy"
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I won't say "happy" anniversary because I understand the pain of anniversaries to people in our situations. I recently marked my 30th anniversary. It was sad.
Anniversary Blues
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you for your sentiments. Wow. 30 years. I realized today that for so many years, I was soooo excited about my anniversary and made a huge deal about it. The last 3 anniversaries I have not been present and this one is bad. Neither of us has acknowledged the day. I haven't because I don't feel loved even though he says he loves me. I feel that this is a huge revelation. Perhaps I was the only one excited all these years. Who knows. I don't need a gift this year. Not sure if he will have something for me. No matter. What I want to say is "Let's fix it and not pussy foot around this issue. Let's face it like adults. Either get help for the stagnancy, just exist or let me go."
Notgonnaloosemyself: I feel your sadness
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Not, your post truly brought tears to my eyes because I know EXACTLY what you are feeling, because I've BEEN there. Our 25th Anniversary was also one of the most hurtful and disappointing days in our marriage. First, let me give you a short back-story. We've been married 32 years this year, and we've only had a diagnosis of ADHD for about 9 years ago. Up until then, I had NO IDEA what I was dealing with, and could NOT understand why my husband and I just COULD NOT communicate in any way, shape or form. It wasn't from a lack of love on my part, but it seemed like the day after we married, my husband suddenly stopped paying any attention to me. His focus was now somewhere else....(on WORK....and on himself). There were so many years of disappointing birthdays, holidays, but ESPECIALLY Anniversaries. They just didn't seem to mean ANYTHING to him, and I could NOT for the life of me, understand why someone who said they "loved me", could not openly SHOW me that, and/or TALK to me about issues within our marriage that DESPERATELY needed to be addressed. He would simply ignore EVERYTHING and just NOT TALK. Anyway....
I had looked forward to our 25th Anniversary for years, because we never had a honeymoon (my ADHD husband wouldn't take one because he thought he would lose his job, which he would NOT have) plus, we have NEVER had a vacation (just him and I), so I was REALLY looking forward to a milestone celebration. and I desperately wanted to have a party. It was important to me, and I was hoping that BECAUSE it was important to ME, it would be important to HIM......NOT. It's only been the past couple years that I've understood WHAT ADHD really is, and that the person THEMSELVES have to own up to their condition and work it. NOT THE SPOUSE. (even though the spouse must work WITH their ADHD partners)
Anniversaries, especially were so sad for me because it seemed like they meant little to nothing to my husband. And, it ALSO FELT like I meant nothing to my husband. Year after year goes by, and there is little to no attention being given BACK, no matter HOW MUCH attention I gave my ADHD partner, (other ADHD married couples as well) sex dwindles to nothingness and you wonder WHAT became of the person you dated......and just " WHO WAS IT" that asked you to MARRY HIM? nothing seemed to make sense. I was doing EVERYTHING around the house, raising the kids, doing all the yard work, shopping, cooking while WORKING, while he was only 'WORKING HIS JOB" (which he never let me forget). Yes, he worked hard, and he worked 2 jobs, but he didn't do anything else besides that. Family stuff, and couple things just didn't exist. And also after 23 years, he goes through a classic mid-life crisis and has an affair with a much younger woman, which should have been the end of us. I was the one in desperate need of affection and attention, and yet HE was the one who went outside our marriage to "find himself". It was devastating to me to say the least. It only piled TONS more hurt and desperation on TOP of what was already there, for BOTH of us. That's some of the bad stuff. (notice I used the word....some) lol
Here's the better stuff: I'm glad to say we are in a MUCH better place now, but it took much forgiveness (giving thanks to God for that) and a willingness on my husband's part to face his condition and deal with it. (I was glad he did, but after so many years, it took a little while before I actually believed he was serious about it) but, he IS serious and is continuing to be a much better husband, and with God's help, me a better wife. My husband is also now DOING and acting like I had always wished he would, and even Anniversaries are more important to him. The change has TRULY been remarkable. But, it only happened after I told him I was DONE with letting his ADHD affect me and our marriage, and I was ready to leave. (this in the face of also being disabled now, and having to RELY on his income) He knew I was serious, and started taking his ADHD more seriously. He got Melissa's book "ADHD and marriage", and listened to the audio book, and started DOING the things it suggested. He also LISTENED to me, seemingly for the first time in over 30 years of marriage. I guess we were both in the right place at the right time. But, we DID survive and get better, and STILL are. We've a ways to go, naturally, but I don't stress about us any more. And I'M so HAPPY about that. He's happier too.
Anyway, I don't know if I have much advice for you, I just wanted you to know, that I've walked in your shoes, and am coming out the other side. I'm not saying you have to do what I did. I'm just letting you know I hear you, and empathize with you. I pray for much better days ahead for you and your husband/family.
I appreciate that...dedelight4
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I hope he takes his "one session of therapy" diagnosis seriously one day. Right now he is hell bent on making people feel bad for him by telling them about his diagnosis, blaming everything he does, even if its small, on the diagnosis. Some of his friends are rolling their eyes. Now he has got something to blame it on and he is dragging his feet for therapy, which when I left last month, I told him I wanted him to get and would be happy to sit in or get my own. When I left, I thought for sure, that since he said I make him want to be better and he would be worse without me, that he would have asked if I was safe, where I was living, I thought he would beg me to come back or send me flowers. I was wailing and screaming in pain when I left him and he told me he was really all alone now. A few days passed and he got angry and embarrassed that I told our close friends and he refused to call anyone. So today, I thought, maybe I would get flowers. I mean, I came back on my own, moved myself back in and this would be a great fresh start after a scare. I wanted to leave year one at 17 and it took me til I was 42 to get up the courage and only could bear a month. Ugh! But the loneliness I felt alone is the same I feel with him. Dare I say that it would be easier if he left me since I can manage on my own financially and emotionally (already been doing that) I just can't bear to abandon him and see him sulk, self-loathe and disassociate himself from the world instead of take the bul by the horns. So, no flowers today. Not even trying to contact me during the day. He probably feels that there is no point. What a twisted way to think, but of course, this is the issue, right? I am ready to be a grown up and not pretend anymore. I love him however this one day fine, one day super happy, one day grump, one day ignore me thing is getting old. I now have full armor around my heart and its easier to vent and realize that I walk a path he may never join. If he does well hallelujah but I am not doing all the work anymore. There is no benefit to me especially when every day the game starts over. Yes, I agree, where is the man that dated me so well? A week after the wedding, he didn't change, he just showed me what I wasn't seeing in a long distance relationship. Reading back on our love notes, all the signs were there but I was too young to see them. He depended on me to lift him up even then and I did because I was a strong and mature 17 yr old kid. I still do lift him up. Now I just want him to pull his own weight and see me, the real pain, without all the cute cover ups that I used to make him feel ok and better about himself. I am scarred, he knows it. I didn't ask for this, I am a good person, I love hard. I am so happy for our mutual friends that continue to tell me that God sees my hard work and that I am an awesome wife and any man would want to be married to me. Heck, my husband has even said he is shocked I stayed with him and I deserve better. I am a good woman and it hurt me to leave him alone- why doesn't he hurt when he sees I feel alone and tell him? Does he need to see blood? But at the end of the day, I am happy with who I am and how strong I am and what I have outside the walls of my marriage. He has the same friends I do and has a good wife. Shame that he can't see how awesome his life could be if he got help and stopped confining himself to his world. I love this forum. I don't feel unique anymore in my suffering. I am 42 and I would love to feel the love I always wanted one day and have it be consistent. The love from family and friends is different. But I love my own company and I love myself. So glad about that. Maybe next year will be better, for real, not just because I plan a trip and buy some gifts. But it has to come from him now. A team or nothing at all. Depleted. Some energy needs to go to me now. Nice guy, "great couple", wish it were that simple.
Just an update, it is 8 PM on
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Just an update, it is 8 PM on my 25th anniversary and I have not heard a word from him. I thought for sure we'd be going out to eat tonight but here I sit at my kitchen table with have a rotisserie chicken and two corn on the cob. I am so confused and hurt. This has never happened in all our years being married. I wonder if he'll be super mopey coming through the door or act like nothing happened all day today and be super happy and hand me some flowers
I recently had a 30th anniversary.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I understand how you feel. Many years ago, I also thought that these big anniversaries would warrant a celebration.
H did buy me a new wedding ring because mine had broken. I think he really did it because he feels guilty for treating me so badly. It is beautiful, actually stunning, but obviously the meaning isn't there. Normally, I would be excited to show it to people, but everyone knows how awful he is to me, so what would be the point.
Usually he doesn't get me anything for Bdays, Xmas, Mothers Day, etc. But, he also didn't want me to not have a wedding ring, so when mine broke a few days before our 30th, he bought me a new one.
Yes, it is an anniversary of ENDURANCE!
How did my night turn out?
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
So I ate dinner alone, the whole time very sad, angry, disappointed but still thinking of a way to be civil so as to not be the wife no one desires. I took a Zanax for my nerves and to fall asleep since it was 8:30 PM. He comes home from work and running an errand and sees me in bed. He asks if I am ok. I told him I didn't feel well. He asks what my symptoms are. Well, I had a hard bump on my neck that caused me pain all day so I told him about that and he told me to get that checked. He then says, "If you need anything, I will be outside for a bit". Now mind you, his "bit" means watching tv while on his laptop or playing a video game on his tablet every night until 2-3 AM. So when I realized he was not saying anything else I started to weep. He asked what was wrong, laidd next to me and asked me if I wanted to talk. So I said that things have been getting worse and so different now. He let me talk through the tears and he asked if there was anything specific. Get ready....
I pointed to the clock near the bed since it also has the date. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Look at the date." At that point all I hear is "Oh no." Yeah, he forgot out 25th anniversary. He has never forgotten an anniversary even if the last three were caca. In 2013, I wasn't emotionally present and told him not to buy a gift for me, so we went to our fave restaurant that we always go to on our anniversary day and he STILL got me a gift. Anyway, I cried a bit harder when I realized he forgot and wasn't just being a grouch and ignoring it. He held me and then he says the magic words since last month his one time therapist told him he had PTSD and ADHD. "That is the nature of ADHD. I didn't mean it." I cried more, shook my head and told him his reason didn't give him an excuse. He said he hadn't seen the date all day. I told him that even I, who is unhappy, plastered the date on Gmail calendar and my paper calendar. He asked me why I didn't remind him in the morning. I told him I never had to. He apologized, he said that he wants to wish me a Happy Anniversary but he knows I haven't been happy so he wished me a better one. He said it doesn't mean he doesn't love me and I told him that it made me feel that way then I told him that if he would have called me even once, I would have felt a bit special but he doesn't even take time to do that. He listened and then went to eat his dinner that was nicely laid out on the table- alone. I decided to not budge from my bed and come to his rescue as I normally do because I also have the right to be depressed. He is not the only one affected by his ADHD. So he ate and went to soak in the tub. He then came in the bed, I was calm since I took the Zanax and we talked about how I wanted him to make each day happy for me starting today so that our 26th can truly be HAPPY not just another anniversary. He said ok then he told me he was taking a course by Dr. Amen and will have homework to do and that he has 4 out of the 7 types of ADHD. Ok so he is going to try. He said he wants to be a better person and is reading a lot. I told him he also need to see my side and not just his and that is why he needs consistent therapy not just one session. I am not cool with him constantly bringing up ADHD when he does use preventative measures and just falls back on the diagnosis. Many have improved. I told him I was willing to do the work with him, as I have always told him. So I called down and held his hand while we slept. I know he feels bad. He said it again before we fell asleep, "Please know I am truly sorry." I said "I know you are". I wanted him to know it still hurt because if he can say he is ADHD I can say I am a woman and flesh and blood. If I have to accept his condition he should also, as a team member and husband, be able to see how it affects me and see the importance of getting help. I could also throw up my hands and say I am depressed and anxious and lonely and not clean the house and neglect my responsibilities but I won't. I will do my part to educate myself so I don't lose myself. He needs to do the same otherwise, there will be no more Happy Anniversaries. Today will be rough for him since he is feeling like a jerk, I am sure. I will let this go and hopefully, he will do better next year. I realize many men and women don't really need to celebrate that day and they are ok with it but that was never us. A gift or flowers no longer matters, just make me happy. I am not mad anymore, more sad. But I am a beast. I will survive. I am still awesome. In fact, his gift is coming in the mail today and I will give it to him. I put a lot of thought into it, even though its not costly but he will love it. That is who I am, and I won't change for anyone. I know I am a good wife. That is my gift to me.
Yes, it is the nature of ADHD....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
At least it is the nature of many people with ADHD. My MIL had serous ADHD, yet she always remembered everyone's Bdays and Anniversaries. It was kind of odd, since she never lifted a finger about anything else.
>>
he says the magic words since last month his one time therapist told him he had PTSD and ADHD. "That is the nature of ADHD. I didn't mean it."
>>>
I am curious about the ADHD and PTSD part. My H swears that he has PTSD, but none of his T's have believed him. From what does your H have PTSD from?
I do believe that H was mentally/physically/emotionally abused as a child. His dad was a total A-hole. But that was swept under the carpet for many decades (and his family all seems to just "chuckle" about how their dad was a real jerk...but he "mellowed with age" with the younger ones who didn't get the full blow of his temper.
Anyway....for YEARS I would tell H that his dad had been abusive and H wouldn't accept it. Now that he says that he has PTSD, he is starting to accept that maybe it's from his dad.
What about your H....where did his PTSD come from?
With this I will agree, he
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
With this I will agree, he had a hard childhood and it continued from there. His father was a jerk and beat him, not the other two boys. He made him bleed. He was an intimidator. He left the family when my husband was 12.He suffered bullying in school and grew up to be a big protector of people although sometimes a bully himself if he thinks he is right. He loves to take care of the wodows and orphans, sometimes to the neglect of me.
His mother was bipolar and tried to commit suicide and a family member told the boys it was their fault. He was a boy let on the loose and wild and then moved out on his own at 17. He met me at 20 yrs old and I was 16 in 1988 and he was a good boyfriend and overly mushy and weak emotionally. I liked the challenge and felt like I was helping someone for the better. We married in 1990 and it was a shock once a week passed. With my help since I reached out to his mother, he was able to have a good relationship and reconnect with his poor mother for once since she was always in hospitals, even missed our wedding because of it. Fast forward through the rough years, in 2001, his mother died in a plane crash, just when her bipolar was under control. She was amazing. So he has never had a break.
He has had a rough life. This is why its so hard to leave or abandon him. If I stay I suffer, if I leave we both suffer.
Parents don't realize the harm they bring their children will affect many to come down the way. HIs mother was not at fault. Even his father, well I wonder what happened to him. But the cycle is crazy. I am blessed to have a wonderful family and even though I had some bad things happen to me as a child, we all handle things differently. I am stronger for it and use it to help others. Some like our husbands just end up with amazing women.
OW You Asked?
Submitted by kellyj on
I am curious about the ADHD and PTSD part.
I do believe that H was mentally/physically/emotionally abused as a child. His dad was a total A-hole. But that was swept under the carpet for many decades (and his family all seems to just "chuckle" about how their dad was a real jerk...but he "mellowed with age" with the younger ones who didn't get the full blow of his temper.
J
??
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You copy pasted my quote but didn't write anything. What were you trying to convey to me?
I'm Sorry..I Wasn't Intentionally...
Submitted by kellyj on
trying to be evasive or vague. In doing that, I was only pointing to the question and the answer which you stated quite well after you said "I believe".
If it's true that you believe your H in the things he's told you, without question this is the source of his PTSD. From what I read, I have no doubt in my mind either. Without question in no uncertain terms.
Trauma like he experienced is the source for PTSD. It can be from a handful isolated incidents, or prolonged sustained stress of lesser incidents, or even just one. The impact it has on your psyche as a child can stay with you for the rest of your life. It does not have to be life threatening like combat PTSD in soldiers for example which is easier to understand under those conditions (more intense and more severe) which comes from prolonged intense anxiety knowing you could die at any minute in conditions where real live people are really trying to kill you...for real. Never knowing when that will happen....the next minute, the next hour or tomorrow.
For a victim of violent rape for example, it only takes once to have the same effect on a person....the stress and shock on a person's psyche can stay with them long with the fear of it happening again. Even if it never does, a person will be more wary, suspicious and fearful and the the ability to manage stress and cope ( to be resilient ) is diminished. The "boogie man" effect (my own definition here) can make a person see perpetrators that aren't really there and the ability to judge or gage other people can be affected.
The PTSD effect can be mild or severe but the symptoms and their cause are fundamentally the same and is greatly dependent on a person's capacities (innate or learned) survival skills in managing fear and coping mechanisms for stress. These fall under one heading...resilience which is just one factor in a person's ability to recover from trauma.
These are just two extreme examples of possible sources for PTSD at the top end of the scale. As I said, the description you wrote without question are other possible sources for PTSD. From my understanding.....it can take far less dependent on each individuals ability to become or be resilient. Being bullied in school as another example. This is just an over view for you to get an idea based on what I know...along with my made up definition just for illustration only.
J
Roses the day after
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I got roses the day after and I thanked him and tried not to seem disappointed still. I swallowed the pain and have planned a nice Saturday for us this weekend. I hope this year brings us closer so that our next anniversary will be better. He is buying supplements recommended for his ADHD and today we will listen to a webinar he at home and me from work. This will be a long journey. I must continue to be resilient and compassionate.