ADD Husband looking for ways to keep wife happy
Submitted by nchild on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 14:41
I am 31, and I recently discovered that I have ADD. It feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted from my shoulders. I feel great about it. It has explained a great deal of my life. I've always had a sense that I was different, but I never knew what it was.
I've been married for almost 3 years now, and unfortunately my ADD has damaged my relationship with my wife. Actually, I believe all of my relationships were damaged due to my inability to focus on a significant other. As I am writing this, I realized that I just said "ADD has damaged...", but I do not want to blame the ADD. I gave into my inner desire to stay "busy" 24-7. I believe the word is "insatiable". I always assumed that my wife was happy because she never complained to me. As things went on, she sought out attention from others and had an emotional affair (over the internet).
It's been a little over three weeks since I discovered this emotional affair and it nearly ended our marriage. My wife and I had agreed to go to marriage counseling, and this is where my ADD was discovered. Since discovering this, I feel that things have greatly improved for the both of us. My wife had told me that she feels like this is our second honeymoon (while I was thinking the same exact thing). Now, we talk every day, mostly about how we feel and I am very excited about it. We are taking walks and preparing dinner together. I love it. Every night when we go to sleep, I tell her that "today is the second best day in my life." Second to the day I married her. I feel that and I believe that (but it has only been 3 weeks).
My biggest fear is that I will not be able to control my mind and I will drift off again. I am afraid I will become bored and irritated, mostly because this is how I have been in the past. I feel that I have been hyperfocusing on her and I don't want that to go away. If I were to compare myself to a stereo, I would either be on mute, or full blast. Never in between.
It's also embarrassing to say that I just discovered that women need emotional connections, while men need physical connections. I have a tendency to over-complicate and over-think things. Is it really as simple as just listening and talking? Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...? Maybe it's my ADD talking, but I feel that she would eventually get bored of that (mostly because I think that I would). I don't really know what "emotional connection" means. The word "emotion" makes me think of sadness, crying and frustration. I don't think I'm emotionally connected to myself. I have had a very low self-esteem growing up, mostly because I never fit in to any crowd. As an adult, I still have a low self-esteem but I have improved greatly, ever since I've been working as a software engineer. I receive a lot of praise for my workmanship and creativity.
I want to give her the world, but I don't know how. (<-- Just thinking this brings tears to my eyes...and I don't know why) When we got married, I told her that she did not have to work. (She has a masters degree). I assumed that she would have been happy and she would have looked at this as a sign of how much I love her - where I don't want her to have to put up with other peoples crap in the workplace. I did not want her to ever have to deal with stress. Needless to say, it was a bad idea because it made her feel lonely.
I want to keep her interested and excited but I feel it will be hard - because it is hard for me to stay interested and excited so I feel that everybody is like that.
The other day, I was looking thru some of the books in my library and came across a book that somebody had bought for me as a wedding gift. It was titled "What men know about women". I was actually excited to have come across this book, as I am desperate to find ways to make her happy. Sadly, when I opened the book, every page was blank. It was a cruel joke, but it did make me laugh.
Please help.
Comments
A suggestion
by Ren - 03/23/2010 - 16:12
Your post describes my husband exactly. He was diagnosed with ADD two months ago. The awareness of this has helped him to make sense of huge swaths of his life. For me, it has given me the first glimmer of hope in a marriage that was on the way to dissolving.
Are you taking medication? It is not a panacea, but it has definitely helped my husband. With that said, it will take effort on your part to sustain what you have going. We went through a great phase for about a month, and just this past weekend I told him that I felt like he was drifting again. He felt it too.
For your wife, it really is as simple as listening and talking. She has probably felt neglected and abandoned for a long time. I can only imagine that this was exacerbated by the fact that she doesn't work and is home all day.
I don't think ADD-nonAdd couples have "special" problems. I think they have typical marriage problems that are magnified 100 times because the ADD spouse lacks the self awareness to see them and the non-ADD spouse just gets angrier and angrier. I've read a lot of marriage books and one that might be helpful to you is called Secrets of Happily Married Men. It is written in a guy-to-guy style and gives some very good insight on how to understand the "request" made in a complaint, how to give good gifts, and other ways to fulfill your wife's need to feel heard, understood, and loved (I vetted it before giving it to my husband and I think it's pretty accurate). By the way, there is a companion book called Secrets to Happily Married Women, which has been useful to me in understanding my husband's need for praise (even for what I consider to be minor things, like taking out the trash), physical intimacy, and doing his own hobbies. I think the challenge for you, as the ADD spouse, is to put systems in place to be able to follow through on the suggestions made in the book (like if you have a good idea for a gift for your wife, your intention isn't enough, you actually have to give her the gift, which may mean you need to put sticky notes all over your office to remind you, or order it online on the spot, etc.).
Let me know what you think of the book!
Thank you
by nchild - 03/23/2010 - 18:10
Thanks for your words. It is comforting to hear from others that share a similar situation. I ordered the book after I read your reply. I will certainly post when I finish reading it. From what I read about it, it seems very helpful; thanks again.
I have not taken any medication (yet). I am not sure what to expect from the meds and I have been researching the web to see what to expect. What did your husband say about the meds?
I have always thought that I was gifted and I'm afraid that the medication will take that "edge" away. I am certainly welcoming the idea of "mental quietness" and the ability to focus without hyperfocusing When I hyperfocus, I lose the concept of time. I hear the medication helps with this, but how so?
The only form of "medical correction" I have ever noticed a change was when I was taking Xenadrine in college. I felt incredibly focused, while most of my friends said they felt amped up, as if their heart was going to beat out of their chest. Obviously, I was not aware of my ADD at the time and I was taking the Xenadrine as a workout supplement. Unfortunatley, it was not approved by the FDA so it was pulled from the market. I never bothered to look for anything else, but I remember how it made me feel.
Anyhow, thanks again for the suggestions. I am looking forward to reading the book.
Comments on my experiences with ADD meds
by andy - 03/24/2010 - 00:03
Hey nchild- I'm the spouse of the woman who responded to you. I take a prescription for my ADD, I've been taking it for about 40 days now. I take adderal which is a pretty common treatment. I don't think the dosage is all that pertinent, but if you want I can post about that too. I'd guess they'll give you and extended release pill, which give you about 6 hours on the drug, then a instant release which gives you about 2 - 3 more hours on drug. If you choose to try it, that is.
So here are my experiences-
- First off, the drug isn't like depression meds. When you take it, it starts working immediately. When it wears off, you go back to your add self. There's no need to try it for 2 months to see if it works for you. If it works, you'll know it pretty soon after you start taking it. This is good because if you don't like it, you stop taking it. Punto. But if it helps, then you can choose to keep taking it if you want.
- As to how it makes me feel, when I first started taking it, I got an awesome euphoric feeling from it. This lasted about a week. Now I take it and I don't feel like putting on Shiny Happy People Holding Hands and dancing around the house. Actually I never felt like doing that, but you get my point...
- For me, the adderal has not been a silver bullet. It hasn't turned me into Spock, where I get everything done with good logic and so on. But it has helped me enough that I choose to keep taking it. Its like my mind is a spotlight, whatever it is focused on is totally illuminated. But I have a real hard time moving that spotlight. The drug is like a little bit of grease that makes moving the spotlight just a bit easier. But that said, all the stuff I hate doing still sucks. And its still hard to do. But my ability buckle down and just do that crap is better on the drug.
- I would like to work my way off of it at some point, when I'm at a place where I can. Right now I've got some road to cover, in terms of fixing myself and my personal life. I look at the meds as kind of like a knee brace. A knee brace--in and of itself--won't fix your knee. But it will take some pressure off of it and your body will heal faster. Adderal isn't going to fix my life. But it is a 'knee brace'--it helps take some pressure off, just a bit, but that little bit has a big impact: more focus at work = to less anxiety brought home; ability to stop what I'm doing at work and pick up the phone when wife calls = happier wife; ability to wash dishes = priceless; etc etc.
- I'm no expert, but from what I read, Adderal is a pretty basic drug, amphetamine and dextroamphetamine mixed by Col Sanders in some secret lab somewhere. The amphetamine is an upper, the other thing is a downer. Mix them together and it works for quite a few of us adders. Go figure.
Good luck with your voyage. I hope my words help you better evaluate what you're going to do next.
what makes this non-ADD spouse happy
by arwen - 03/24/2010 - 00:37
I'm a non-ADD spouse who has been dealing with my husband's ADHD (and SAD -- Seasonal Affective Disorder) for the past 20 years. I have no idea whether your wife is anything like me, but if my husband wanted to keep me happy and interested and excited, here's what I would suggest:
Good luck to you in your journey!!
To answer your question, "Is
by Sofire - 03/24/2010 - 03:57
To answer your question, "Is it really as simple as just listening and talking? Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...? Yes, yes, oh my God, YES! I promise you she will not get board with those things... I was getting turned-on just reading it.
I am very proud of you for trying to understand the female mind to make your wife happy. Don't feel bad about your question...the reality is that when I (and many of my female friends) hear things pertaining to how men think, we can understand many of them logically, but not conceptually.
I was moved by your post because my soon to be ex-husband (undiagnosed ADDer) once asked me what I meant by I needed more intimacy. The irony is that no one on the planet can be more intimate like an ADDer in the courtship process. I find it fascinating that it is something you guys do so naturally /unconsciously in courtship.
But I believe that understanding what fills us emotionally from a conceptual perspective is not as important and doing it, even if it’s mechanically. You sound like a really good guy who’s about to make his wife the happiest woman in the world. I wish you the best!
Can Anyone Relate To This?
by hopeless in hawaii - 03/24/2010 - 07:25
While on the subject of communicating, why is it that when theres a serious discussion going on, my ADHD husband has this stupid smirk on his face. It's like he's about to laugh, while I'm about to cry. People outside think he's such a humorous guy, but really doesn't know that he cannot turn off that humor when appropriate. Sometimes I just wanna smack that smirk right off his face, so he can maybe show some seriousness on there. It's like he's a child. If anyone with ADHD can relate to this, can you please tell me what you are thinking at those times of serious discussions or situations, where you feel you need to laugh about it. I just don't understand.
Communicating
by rlm - 03/24/2010 - 09:14
I can completely relate to what you are saying. My (soon to be) former husband typically had a glazed over look and then in the middle of a serious conversation he would blurt out some bizarre question or statement. We could be having a serious discussion about our marital issues and he would out of the blue ask if I had picked up dog food or something just as absurd. I would feel crushed as if he had absolutely no interest in communicating with me or that this serious issue was on the same level as discussing the grass growing.
It has and is currently very difficult to speak with him. He recently told me the only person who has a problem with his ADHD was me and now that we are seperated it isn't an issue for him anymore. I just don't know how he could really believe that.
I really know the pain you feel during these conversations because I was there for many years.
Still Trying To Comprehend It
by hopeless in hawaii - 03/24/2010 - 14:05
Thanks for both of you getting back to me so fast. It's not just the serious conversations regarding our relationship that he starts to laugh. Recently his father who already had 2 triple bypass surgeries, had to be rushed to the emergency due to his heart. He then explained the situation to me like he was talking about the weather. To top it off, he didn't even bother to state if we should go visit him. He just gave me a one liner about it, as I've just explained it here in my post, and never showed concern whatsoever.
So when do they ever show concern about anything, if their brain has already processed it, and has been replaced with a million things at the time of discussion? I've heard through some of these posts, that they have no empathy. Although I've just had some breakthroughs with finding a good doctor, and the right meds for him, this concerns me to think if I ever got seriously ill, that he would neglect me, and leave me to die.
Right now I'm in a situation where I've researched and spent so much of my time, trying to understand his ADHD, and get him the help that he needed, let alone going through years of emotional torture, which left me severely depressed and paralyzed to cope with my own daily life, that if I didn't yell at him to get me something to eat for dinner, because I have no energy to cook anymore, he wouldn't even think of asking if I'm hungry, and would let me starve. I'm seriously thinking about making him my (soon to be) former husband as well.
Fast moving
by Nettie - 03/24/2010 - 13:07
My husband's mind works so fast that he has already processed what he's heard (not necessarily what I said) as well as dozens of other things (he says, "thousands") by the time I stop talking. I don't usually ask what he's thinking because he will then relate hundreds of tiny details through which I can't sit, but he does often laugh when I'm talking to him, and when I have asked, it was something funny happening in another, simultaneous, conversation in his head.
Concerning the dog food comment, I, on the other hand, have such a porous memory, that the time I think about getting dog food (or whatever), may be the ONLY time I remember, and I say it outloud, even if I unfortunately interrupt someone, in hopes it won't be the last time or someone else will hear and remember or, just because of bad impulse control.
I've experienced this also.
by newfdogswife - 03/28/2010 - 07:32
I've experienced this also. It just makes me angrier and yes, I just want to smack the crap out of him. But, think about it, in some respects alot of them are still children in adult bodies. I think they do this to try to get us to forget about that serious discussion. I know in my case, my husband very seldom can communicate in an important discussion, he gets the grin on his face, this makes me think, why bother and the conversation ends as quickly as it began. I am getting tired of dealing with all of the serious and important discussions and situations by myself but I know that unless it is a matter of life or death, I will have to handle it on my own and just do the best I can.
Emotional connections
by Rosem1111 - 03/27/2010 - 11:06
Regarding your comment that "I just discovered that women need emotional connections, while men need physical connections," I can't believe that that is always true. But I'm hearing that you want sex and your wife doesn't unless you both are close emotionally. How your wife reacts makes perfect sense to me, a non ADD with an ADD husband.
My advice on this matter is to find out how to be her friend. Yes, the simple things you mentioned really are important. Unfortunately there is more involved and my husband has never understood what in 28 years of marriage. He does try to do those simple things and then he feels he has earned sex and gives me a bad time if I don't give him his perceived "due". Me, I feel he is trying to buy sex because what he does doesn't seem to connect up with me enough; it seems manipulative and insincere. He feels nothing he can do works so he should give up. The problem is that he needs to do more. Unfortunately I don't know how to explain to him or you what needs to be done to be authentically involved and caring. In fact I can't comprehend how you and he don't seem to know. I don't really know how I know what is involved, but I can do it.