ADHD and Marital Problems

HI, I'm new to the forum.

It feels great to learn that there is a place to come for support and understanding when dealing with ADHD and how it can affect your daily life.

I have been married for 8 years and have two little boys. I married the best person I have ever met but for the last year my ADHD has caused a major rift between my wife and me. This has led to many arguments usually caused by me and I said out of impulses many hurtful things that I knew at the time that I didn't mean. This understandingly has caused major problems in my marriage and I have been separated from my wife for the last 3 months. Unfortunately,  I cannot take my words back and have hurt my wife very much. I have hurt her so much that recently she told me that she didn't love me anymore due to the person that would show up from time to time hurting her. I'm so sad that my wife feels like this and all because of my hurtful words and actions. I have always been crazy about my wife but never really realized how my ADHD was hurting our marriage. I will always be sorry for what I put her and want her to be happy.  I'm looking for any support or some resources on how to control my impulses and for me not to lash out when I'm in a vulnerable spot.

Thanks and I look forward to any comments that any might have.

Forums: 

Tired old man's picture

Welcome, you' re in the right place.

     While there is no official greeter to the sight, and I'm nothing of a long timer, I'll say "Hello" and can say that you'll find a lot of support and conversation regarding ADD/ADHD relationships here.  Please explore everything and ask what comes to mind.  Melissa has created a wonder venue for us to explore our emotions and condition, and self honesty and self growth will be the outcome.

     I'm very sorry about your wife and your children.  I have no doubt that your love runs deep, hence your visit.  I'd like to ask a question, if it doesn't cross a personal boundary.  Are you under any medication for your ADHD?  I think that would be the first place to start to show your family about your desire to heal the wounds in your life.  You say the issue has surfaced mostly in the last year.  Does you doctor know?

   Let's talk.

-Peace

 

Living in agony

HI Tired Old Man,

Thanks for the welcome!

Regretfully, I am not in medication and have not notified my physician of my condition. The realization of what my family mostly wife has had to endure only occurred within the last few weeks. I am in agony of what she has gone through because of me the last year. I am committed to getting on medication and going through ADHD life coaching to take responsibility for what I put her through and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. But most of all she is a beautiful person who should find peace and happiness something that I regret have not been able to give her. I know that I'm a good person and want to be happy, but I now know that I have to face and treat my ADHD and cannot ignore it and hope it goes away.

Best Wishes.

ST

Tired old man's picture

Getting the book and treatment

   Thanks for writing back.  If there is one thing I would suggest you do right away is get a copy of Mellisa's book.  No kidding.  It starts at the beginning of how the condition interferes with both partners emotionally and individually and offers a system of support of reestablish the communication and trust that disappears in couples with our condition.  Turn to page 215, "Epilogue:  Don't try harder, try differently".  The first point and most important point she makes is to get treatment.  I've seem some great changes in my wife since she started her medical therapy and I know that's where most people here would tell you to start.  I found the book at Barnes and Noble, but I'm almost certain it can be found used at Amazon.   I'll be in and out this eve if you'd like to chat.

-Peace

Welcome abroad. You're going

Welcome abroad.

You're going through the normal stages of grieving. So no worries there. My husband often struggles with what he inflicted on our marriage. But I am happy to report, that after ten months of counseling, we have begun to recoup our relationship. I'm beginning to trust him again (although I have my moments). Right now, our biggest trial is trying to convince our respective families that he has changed. It's heartbreaking to them stubbornly continue to label him as "no good" or a "screw up" when he has made major advances.

I'd definitely book yourself into a physician; if possible, a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. They can put you on meds and help you get on track. If you don't have that resource available, then see your GP at very least. Don't be surprised if your wife does not respond immediately. It will take some time, so don't give up. I can tell that you love her very much and care very much about your family. The most unselfish thing you can do is to seek help.

I also suggest getting into some couples therapy with your wife. It will be painful but I can guarantee that it will be worth it.

Not giving up

 

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. I am encouraged by the amount of support and resources devoted to ADHD. I feel that I have been awaken after being asleep at the wheel while my wife has had to suffer with the hurt that I have put her through. I'm happy to say that I have an appt with a psychiatrist to start on medication and will be seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD to help me during this difficult time.

I'm not sure if it's too late for my wife and me, but I know it's not too late for her to find happiness and after all that is all I have ever wanted.

 

Best Wishes,

ST