My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder. Two weeks ago he started an intensive outpatient rehab for benzo addiction. I was the one who told him he needed to go talk to someone. He kept telling me he didn't have a problem. At first he told me he had only been taking them for a two years (I KNEW that wasn't true because he's been taking them for as long as we've been together). Now I found out it's more like ten years. He told me he had only taken what his Dr. prescribed. Then I found out he manipulated pills out of other people. I found out he conned his sister (who is a nurse) to give him benzos on our wedding day by telling her he was sooooo nervous. Then he went wine tasting because he was using alcohol to enhance the effects of the drugs. He admitted that he was taking two or three kinds of benzo, layering them with booze and then smoking pot on top of it (all at the same time). This has caused so many problems. So much so that there is now legal ramifications. I am really angry.
We have been married only a year and the whole year has been taken up in his "issues". He is now in group therapy nine hours a week and has to go to NA. He is what I like to say "high on rehab" but I figure it's another type of hyper focusing. I want him to stay clean but I absolutely won't take on the management of his recovery. In fact, I just won't drink th kool-aid right now. He is making all these grandiose proclamations of how he is a reformed man. Except he isn't yet and I know it. He is upset that I am not happier that he got into rehab. I am not happy he is in rehab but perhaps I will become happy if he stays clean .
He has told all his family he is an addict. They have all patted his head and made soothing noises at him. Has anyone picked up the phone to ask how I'm doing? Nope. I'm angry about that too.
I am angry because this is not what was supposed to happen. How is it my life got screwed up because of his problem??
But mostly I am angry at myself. Angry because I didn't listen to that little voice in my head before I married him that told me walk away.
We are sleeping in separate rooms right now because I just need some peace and quiet. A place I can retreat into just to be able to think, look at puppies on the internet and remember what it was like when life felt normal.
I have to get to work, so
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have to get to work, so this will be short, but I wanted to let you know that my husband also thrived on the attention he received when he was in an intensive outpatient treatment program (for depression and anxiety), but no miracle cure ensued. It was very distressing to me, both to observe him basking in the attention he received from the staff and other patients and then to stand by helpless as he chose a post-treatment situation that I knew was going to exacerbate his problems (and it did and does to this day).
Get out now!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Get out while you still can....no kids, no long term marriage, etc.
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He is making all these grandiose proclamations of how he is a reformed man.
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H went to rehab about 3 years ago. He was "high on rehab"...quickly declared that he would never drink again, etc.
What BS....he drank the FIRST NIGHT that he came home from rehab....and hasn't stopped since. About every few months, he'll declare that he's never going to drink again....but it never lasts.
And yes....addicts LIE. Even if they don't intend to lie. They lie because they often don't remember the truth. I hear H say, "oh, I've given up drinking several times and was able not to drink for several months at a time. Only ONE TIME was he not drinking for more than a month....and that was while in rehab. And, I'm not even sure if that's totally true. If it is, then the only reason he didn't drink then is because he treated the whole experience like he was on vacation.
Kiwi, this sounds all too
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
Kiwi, this sounds all too familiar. My H has had addiction problems for the entirety of our marriage. At first it was opiates (which he did manage to get off of), but he is still on the benzos. He is currently trying to get off those as well by tapering down, but it is a long and horrible process. I won't get into all the gory details now, but his withdrawal periods (both the unsuccessful and the successful ones) have been the most nightmarish experiences I've ever gone through. Of course they were excruciating times for him as well (likely more so), but, as you alluded to, the recovering addict is the one who gets all the credit and "glory" for going though it, and no one gives the partner a second glance. You are supposed to be the one leading the parade for him, when you feel like you've just gone through a war yourself.
<< I want him to stay clean but I absolutely won't take on the management of his recovery. >>
Wow, it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I'm very impressed. I had to learn that one the hard way.
I hate to say it, but I think OverwhelmedWife is right in telling you to get out. I would not have listened to this advice myself during our first year of marriage, so I can't blame you for not wanting to take this route, but it is an option you should seriously consider. It could get better, but I think the bleak truth is that the odds are stacked against that being the case.
-Red
Few know what we're going thru.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Kiwi, this sounds all too familiar. My H has had addiction problems for the entirety of our marriage. At first it was opiates (which he did manage to get off of), but he is still on the benzos. He is currently trying to get off those as well by tapering down, but it is a long and horrible process. I won't get into all the gory details now, but his withdrawal periods (both the unsuccessful and the successful ones) have been the most nightmarish experiences I've ever gone through. Of course they were excruciating times for him as well (likely more so), but, as you alluded to, the recovering addict is the one who gets all the credit and "glory" for going though it, and no one gives the partner a second glance. You are supposed to be the one leading the parade for him, when you feel like you've just gone through a war yourself.
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Only my closest friends and my sister have a real understanding of what I'm going thru. Even that, I can't tell them everything because I'm too embarrassed.
My sister, a therapist, "knows" things are likely worse than what I've said because she's treated addicts and spouses and she knows that addicts and people with other serious mental health issues (PDs) are the worst.
When H announced that he was going to rehab, he got all the hugs and support and the glory. He LOVED the attention he got. He (according to him) virtually monopolized all the "group therapy" activities. He didn't use the word monopolize, but what he describes is pure monopolization.....he thought he was there to entertain...telling jokes, being funny, but then telling his "tale of woe" of how horrible his wife and kids are and what a victim he is.
When a family member is in rehab, there are "family activities" that we're supposed to go to. meetings, etc. H put in his paperwork that no one from our immediate family (me or the kids) were allowed to attend anything. He convinced the rehab that we're abusive to him....when the truth is that he didn't want us "spilling the beans" about him. H likes to play the "victim" role......everyone is mean to me.
WOW I feel your pain. My
Submitted by harleyquinnmistahj on
WOW I feel your pain. My husband is a recovering addict as well. I will try to respond more in the morning as I'm exhausted but what really helped me was to join a nar-anon group for family members of addicts