The ADHD Wife and Marriage

As I read these posts I am wonding about the problems that a non-ADHD husband and a ADHD wife have in a relationship. I have been married for 10 years and I was diagnosis with ADHD type 3 when I was 5 years old. I am 40 and I have a 7 year old daughter. I take 160mg of ritalin. I met my husband when he answered my personal ad in the newspaper. He told me about a year after we were married that if he had realized how exhausting being married to me would have been he might have thought twice about it. He was kinda of joking and a little serious. Becoming a mother has really been a major adjustment. Motherhood is 24/7 and that is very hard for someone with ADHD. There is no end to the job and you have to be an adult 24 hours all the time. I tell people that I think my husband is amazing because if I was him, I don't know if I could or would have stayed married to me for so long. It has not been easy to be my husband. There is not alot of information on a marriage with the wife having the ADHD and the husband being the non-ADHD spouse. Our marriage has been like a roller coaster ride with up and downs. In May we will be marriage for 11 years. Are there other ADHD wifes and non-ADHD husbands out there that are on this roller coaster ride called marriagehood?

Forums: 

Yep, we're here.

Coming up on 14 years in May.  My wife has inattentive ADD, and was undiagnosed for the first 8 years.  Diagnosis hasn't really helped though.  I've felt those feelings your husband expressed - If I knew the rollercoaster ride was going to be this wild and difficult, I would have never started.

I would suggest you try to not take your husbands comment about "thinking twice" too personally.  Yes, I understand that such a comment can be/ probably is very painful.  But, it's important for him to be able to voice his frustration in order to start a dialog and process his grief about unfulfilled hopes for the relationship.  Talking about it can be a major benefit to your husband, and thereby to your relationship and you.  I'm still stuck wishing she would let me grieve openly about my unfulfilled hopes.  Not a good place to be.

While everyone’s situation is different, I’ve found intimacy to be the biggest stumbling block in my relationship.  I struggle to feel “secure” that she will be available.  Too many times have I felt sexually starved only to be forgotten or ignored (again, and again, and again, . . . ). 

 

Intimacy isn't just about

Intimacy isn't just about sex. Its being forgotten or ignored etc when in need of someone to talk to, vent to, get emotional support from. Its non existant in my house. I get nothing in return for everything.

Agreed

Very valid point.  The way I work though, sex is a more basal need than other forms of intimacy.  I feel that only if my need for sexual fulfillment were met would I worry more about other intimacy needs.   Everyone is different, and to others, their love language is not so rooted in physical intimacy, but may be based on verbal or time-based intimacy.  

Years ago, I used to lament about the lack of emotional and intellectual intimacy.  No longer.  I'm just in survival mode, no longer seeking self-actualization. 

re- intimacy... I am an ADD

re- intimacy... I am an ADD wife & I'm sure my husband would say the same about how the inconsistency in our intimate life can really mess with his sense of security. And I don't want to make excuses or deny our resposibility in creating and maintaining a healthy sex life. But I do want to say that our lack of sexual attention is generally not personal. It's not about how attractive our husbands are to us, how well they have treated us, how good the sex has previously been and how good it is likely to be this time. It's to do with the fact that we can't have sex without involving our thinking in it all, and our brains can be a foggy place to find our way out of sometimes. Sometimes I go to bed with the intention of connecting with my husband sexually, only to have that thought connect to another thought which leads to another and another until my emotional state is anywhere but in a place of connecting with another. And sure, I can have sex like that, but I also have particular ideals loudly asserting themselves in my mind (the ones that shout "good sex should not include you randomly thinking that you need to remember to buy shampoo tomorrow!"), so I'm conflicted...trying to hang on to that thought lest it never occur to me again to buy shampoo... wanting the perfection of a brain that is 100% in the intimate moment... fighting my own battles of anxiety & the never-ending list of things I didn't get done that day... and everything drowns out everything and you feel forgotten. So please bear with us. Help us get started despite the confusion of our brain. Resist the urge to be one of the many voices over the many years who have listed our off inadequacies. Love us unconditionally and know that unconditional love will always reap great rewards...even in the bedroom.

My ADD GF

"my husband would say the same about how the inconsistency in our intimate life can really mess with his sense of security" This is so true. I don't know how many times I've wondered who my gf is really having sex with. It is so intermittent with us. It keeps me in emotional turmoil so much of the time. As a partner of someone with ADD I have to add that it is really frustrating to finish with, what I think, is an amazing sexual encounter only to have her rush to get the clothes into the dryer. I feel like, wow, okay, did we just finish making the bed or did we actually have sex? Is sex just another household chore? Am I just another household chore for her? I try so hard. I do all the romantic things I think I can: flowers, notes, emails, texts, dinners, naughty phone conversations, and still its like I'm a piece of furniture at times. Do ADD people actually have the capacity to connect and stay connected to other human beings or are we just another chemical stimulus in their brains that they have to attend to?

Misery feels sorry for its company

I'm the ADHD wife in our 18-yr marriage, and have passed it on to our two sons. So my peace-loving, stability-craving, orderly and responsible husband is completely surrounded by alien life forces who think and act nothing like him. He is literally the only adult in the house. Worse, due to circumstances, I'm the primary or sole breadwinner, and so all of our security rests on the person in the house who can least ensure its continuity. He's so tired. I think it's worse when it's the mother, because then the kids don't get the stable, caring, nurturing hand in their life, providing continuity of care, rules, structure, and a stable system of rewards and consequences. For one thing, I'm not always here. I'm far more likely to work 72 hours straight than to be home for dinner every night by 6:30. In fact, I doubt we've had a week during our marriage when I was home every night by 6:30. He's raising the kids, and it's not his forte, and it's not what he signed up for. None of this is. The worst part about being diagnosed as an adult is that by then, you've learned so many coping mechanisms (such as finding that the only way to accomplish a complex task was to procrastinate until the adrenaline kicked in so you could finally focus, etc) that are not healthy for family life, but were necessary to get through the demands of college, or complex jobs, in the face of a total lack of information about what was truly going on. By the time you are finally diagnosed (me in my mid-40’s as a result of both sons being diagnosed), medicine has only a limited effect – for me, at least. It can't help me unlearn those behaviors and habits. And it is simply not as effective as adrenaline at kicking me into hyperfocus. So the relief experience by my husband 18 months ago, when I finally got diagnosed -- "finally, we know what it is so we can fight it and cure it and begin again" -- has been replaced by a deeper hopelessness. This will ever change. And our sons are learning by my example, since I know no other example to show them. I don't see this ending happily. But seeing the train coming toward you doesn't always cue a plan for how to stop the tragedy.

Misery feels sorry - I

Misery feels sorry - I applaud your self-awareness! I agree, seeing the train coming doesn't necessarily give you a different route to take, but it surely helps both you and your husband, that you both have an understanding of the problem? So many people with ADHD seem to be in denial about their problems and would rather throw blame at their partner's feet. You are taking responsibility for the problems the ADHD brings to the marriage and family, and that has to be for the good. Also you are to be applauded for starting out on treatment after finding your own ways to cope for so many years. Some people think they are too old to try anything new if they don't get diagnosed when they are young. I wonder if you have considered, or tried, working with an ADHD coach to help you change those behaviours you would like to change?

Unlearning ADD BEhaviors

It's not easy unlearning ADD coping mechanisms or, more accurately, adding new mechanisms to the old ones, but if you see a train wreck coming and you genuinely think that if things don't change you'll end up divorced, doesn't that induce you to want to try?  (I know it's hard for ADD folks to do things that are hard today to make a better tomorrow...but you ARE looking at tomorrow in any event.)

You CAN learn new coping mechanisms.  Getting a coach to help could be a big plus.  Also, working with your husband to target only one or two items to focus on might also be a big help.  I know, for example, that there were two or three really critical issues that were ADD related that I really wanted my husband to deal with.  One was spending dedicated time with me (i.e. overcoming distractions in spurts so he could spend at least those spurts in my company) and anger management.  Lots and lots of other stuff just wasn't as important.  If you could isolate one or two items that would be relatively more helpful to your relationship if you worked on them, then perhaps you could find both the motivation and the energy needed to create new coping mechanisms.  It's certainly worth a try.  (Meds aren't magic pills, they only give you some basic tools...then it's up to you to change things as needed.  Sad, but true!)

reply 4:Misery feels sorry for its company

I'm undiagnosed correctly ADD/ADHD “or bipolar” Wife and mother of 2. I was a single young mother for 3 yrs. I had to grow up fast, and friends and family say that I’ve done a great job with my children. When I started off with my husband, it was rough. But we have the deepest Love for each other and Faith, I guess that’s what keeps us together. He know some thing was wrong with when I kept on making compulsive Choices. “I know I do”. (I don’t learn the first time I get burnt, I go at it again. Until it hurts to much, then I learn). He's tired of that, I know. But I feel you in many ways as I was reading your response I started to cry only cause I know some what, what you were going through. I Give you the up most respect for still being one and also for getting the help you need. You have inspired me to keep on going and not letting go. Just because we have our issue doesn’t mean we cant be Loved. We Have a loving and caring heart, and Patient and understanding husbands who must truly love us unconditionally. Question? Do the meds truly help? I was on Stratera and I didn’t feel like it helped me out at all. As for our kids well one is PDD and that’s another roller coaster adventure, but other than that there good kids and I think at times I could be to strict with them but my husband says that I should be that way only cause I want what’s best for them. I guess I’ve learned to be more structured with my youngest to. So that’s a plus. (Smile) Thank you once again.

DoveLove

For what it's worth, just because one med didn't work for you doesn't mean another wont.  If you are feeling up to it, you might try a different type of med and see if it helps.  ADD meds can take lots of experimentation with your doctor about which med and what dose before you get it right.

Different Meds

I agree about trying more than one medication. Fro the last 23 years I have been on and off a few different meds. Now at age 31 I have finally found one I  LOVE!!!! I am now fighting with my insurance company to pay for it, but its worth the fight.

  My husband has never been a peoponent of medication for anything, and actually did not believe in ADD/ADHD as an atual disorder. After only knowing me a short time, he was a total believer. He tells people to this day that there is a BIG difference with me on and off my meds.

PLEASE don't give up after one med, there are more out there.

I don't buy it

You claim that you can't change your habits, but I'm thinking that you probably can...it just takes a long time to do so, and lots of specific decisions. For example, you say that adrenaline is your best way to get motivated. So break your projects into smaller chunks, with meaningful, more frequent deadlines. Use the adrenaline more frequently. Also, you have a husband who (it sounds like) might be willing to be an accomplice in helping you change specific patterns - figure out which ones are the most important to your relationship, and work on those first. Talk with him and target 1-3 habits that are particularly harmful in your relationship. Then, if you need to, work with an ADHD coach or someone who can give you specific WAYS to change THOSE habits. You don't need to change it all, but to sit back and say "the behaviors are what they are because I'm too old to change" will indeed lead to that train wreck you envision. If the meds aren't helping you with the symptoms that are getting in the way of your habits, then experiment with meds and see if you can find one that will help against those "most important" symptoms and habits. So here's your plan: + talk with your husband and work together to isolate 3 habits that are particularly hurtful to your relationship + hire a coach to help you change those specific habits based upon your strengths and talents + measure your success. If you aren't making progress, change your approach until you do. + discuss with your doctor that other meds might help you with those specific habits more effectively - consider experimenting to see if you can do better on other meds. Measure your progress with doctor and hubby's feedback. + celebrate any and all successes you have. Reminding yourself of your successes will help keep you motivated.

The ADD Wife and Marriage

My problem is that as the wife, with ADD, I'm stuck with so many jobs that are very difficult for me (especially unlimited paperwork) because my husband has learning disabilities. He doesn't understand the insurance variations and why we need to submit this versus that claim a certain way--on and on, like why certain receipts for taxes have to be deducted.... I understand this tedious work, but hate it--and don't organize it that well. My husband basically refuses to help with any of it. He says that if he's going to "help", then he has to control everything. And ends up doing everything wrong or not finishing it. I've also got all the other responsibilities: school liaison for teenage twins (who both have ADD), medical and therapy appointments for children, food/clothes shopping, everything. Until last August I had a depressing secretary job, that I stayed at for 25 years until I was laid off, partly because we needed the medical insurance. I'd try to bring this unending paperwork to the office and do it when I could, taking advantage of the large conference rooms and office environment. You'd think that now that I'm unemployed I'd have time to do all this stuff, but there's so much of it. It seems to expand to take up the whole day, until the children come home from school and they need attention (and food!). What's really hard is that my husband and I are both painters. But I don't get time to paint because I can't get clear of all this "stuff" at home. I know that ADD exacts a huge toll, but it's really frustrating that I'm doing so much of what I both dislike and have to struggle with. The worst is that my husband (with encouragement from his psychiatrist) until recently didn't believe I have ADD. He's insisted for a long time that my problems with paper (and clutter) aren't ADD, they're OCD. I do have OCD. but most of the problems are from disorganization. He's great at getting couples therapists to line up with him--not always, but much too often. He can even sway couples therapists who consider themselves feminists! He's convinced it's my medication, but I'm on a high (90mg) dose of ritalin. But the real problem is sexism: I've got way too many jobs! And they're all ADD-unfriendly jobs, too. My husband, who also has bipolar, was an active alcoholic until two years ago, but I didn't know it and he was in denial. Now that he's sober, it's much, much better, but in addition to going to two teaching jobs (which exhaust him, so it doesn't seem fair to ask him to take on more work at home now that I'm unemployed), he's out at AA meetings almost every day--so I've got even more household management put on me. I HATE it. I wish we could pay someone to take over the paperwork, but I don't want to go through our money. Thank you for reading about my plight. Mostly I feel very, very lucky to have two great kids, and my husband has lots of very good qualities. I've got therapists (2), so I do get support. But I'm still very, very resentful of having to be a Wife. I need a wife myself, and/or a secretary. Finally, I do try to empathize with all the years my husband suffered with my undiagnosed ADD (we've been together over 33 and I only got diagnosed and treated about 4-5 years ago), with the boxes of papers and way too much of everything I hoarded. But I'm upset that I don't get enough support. ADD coaching, even at the Hallowell Center, is extremely expensive, and we can't afford it.. There are almost no ADD support groups, even where we live, a huge city. I just learned tonight, after unsuccessfully searching a long time, about one that meetings every other week. Thank you so much for such a wonderful forum, and thanks so much for letting me write so much here (an ADD problem for me). If anyone has some good ideas and suggestions, I'd really appreciate it. I've been going to meetings of Debtors Anonymous, because they help me with money and function also like an ADD support group because they help me focus. I'm struggling to create routines. Thanks very, very much. A frustrated artist who isn't getting time to work I didn't mention that there are still boxes and boxes of papers I have to go through and prune from all the years I wasn't treated for ADD. Much of the paper has to do with the various jobs I took on (including a long and successful campaign to get our son funding to attend a special ed school for kids with learning disabilities). The paperwork just doesn't end. Even if I could manage to keep up with the current stuff, I've still got years of backlogged boxes to get to. They're like a huge debt I can't pay off. Thanks again very much.

re: the ADD wife and marriage

Even though I'm in a same-sex relationship, and don't have kids, I totally related to your post! I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD eight years ago, and have been on medication for two years. I didn't want to go on medication before since I'd heard so many terrible things about overdiagnosis of ADHD and overprescription of medication etc. But one of the main reasons was that my partner didn't (and still doesn't) believe in the existence of ADHD. Even so, since I've been on Dexamphetamine, she's taken advantage of my increased level of organisation to let me take on increasingly unfair shares of paid work, housework, and crappy and fiddly paperwork. So I definitely know what you mean! Even though, Dex or not, I'm still a messy and disorganised ADDer, and she is very mentally organised re details, my partner has decided that since the house is in my name, I should deal with all the phone enquiries about bills, repairs etc. Usually this means I have to put someone on hold and ask her at least 10 technical questions she knows the answer to but I have no idea about, yet it doesn't matter: it's MY RESPONSIBILITY. I also failed to complete a university degree, whereas she has two undergraduate degrees and a Masters. This does not mean that she deigns to take a highly paid job working for others (working for others is, apparently, degrading). Instead, it's best that I take two jobs at under minimum wage as, since I've done crappy jobs before, I should be able to handle crappy jobs now. As for housework, forget the 50-50 divide. As long as I keep necking Dex and scrubbing the skirting board, my partner doesn't need to do more than the bare minimum - unless she has a guest or family member visiting, in which case she runs around like an Edwardian scullery maid until the whole place is gleaming. I'm making her sound like a monster, which she isn't. She's sweet, smart, sexy and funny. But she has changed from someone who used to run a business - and still greet me with dinner and a massage when I got home from a 16-hr shift - to someone who couldn't be bothered trying. Unlike your husband, she hasn't got a diagnosis of bipolar or alcoholism to explain her actions. However, for whatever reason, she has decided a job is too hard, housework and gardening is too hard, everything's too hard except downloading movies and Twittering strangers 12 hours a day. And no, she doesn't think that's a problem. The worst thing is, I think it's my fault as an ADHD woman. I think many other ADHD women will relate to this: in our early relationships we're like clumsy puppies; eager to please but barely housetrained. Even though we're so keen to make friends/fall in love/succeed at school, we just seem to do everything wrong. We are so weird, needy and frazzled that we think it's a miracle if anyone falls in love with us. When someone does, we are grateful for any nice things they do for us. Inevitably, our besotted partners stop treating us like princesses and start treating us cavalierly, if not badly. Because we're so dependent on love and support (and someone to listen to our 5000 ideas a day) we put up with it. Yes, we get mad, but then we ask ourselves " who else would love me? who'd laugh at my jokes? what if I forget to do my taxes for years because I haven't got a partner to nag me and I get sent to jail?" We think about leaving our ungrateful partners a dozen times a day. Hell, we might even give them ultimatums about how we'll leave them if they don't make an effort. But then, as ADHD women with our self-esteem in the toilet, we waver. We ask ourselves "who else would love me? who'd laugh at my jokes?" etc etc. We do the things we should do, rather than what we want to, because we suspect that as ADDers we'd never succeed by ourselves, doing what we want, anyway. So we settle, we cope, we medicate, we apologise, we seethe inside. It's not good enough, though. If I never change my life, I still have hope for you, Anonymous! I read that you have or had two therapists and that you and your husband have had couples therapists too, but you don't want to spend money on a secretary? For an ADDer, a good secretary IS therapy! I say hire a secretary or a temp service and make it a financial priority (i.e don't ask your husband if it should be done, do it and then inform him it's been done). Part of your husband's AA steps should be making amends, and he should be doing this for making you bear an unfair burden of housework, childrearing and other organisation. It may be hard to articulate what you want, but if your area has Al-Anon meetings that may help and give you much-needed support. Lastly, once you've got your own support and hired secretarial support, decide what you want out of the relationship and tell him (clearly, without the interference of possibly biased therapists). It will be hard, but you need to do it for the sake of your own sanity. It's obvious from your post you need to be doing less paperwork and more art. Unless you believe in reincarnation, you know we only have one life and need to fulfill our purpose. Your husband gets spiritual sustenance from AA; you need to give yourself the same gift! I hope all goes well and you can find the strength to make changes to your life and your relationship with your husband. Maybe I'll get the guts to reframe my life and relationship too! Thanks to the ADHD marriage forum for the opportunity to share..

As an ADHD wife & mother I am

As an ADHD wife & mother I am happy to see some support for the ADHDer.  Some of the previous posts that I read were very hard on ADHD and were mostly about husbands.  I'm with you cmousseau, being a mother with ADHD is very difficult as well as being a wife.  NonADHD people need to understand that ADHD is hard on us too.  They are not the only ones struggling with the quirks and frustrations of ADHD.  I'd like to stop my mind for racing and be able to focus on the moment.  (e.g. "need to by shampoos" during sex).  I'd like to be able to complete a project in a timely manner or be able to control my impulses of saying what I think.

When I read about all of these people that have such hatred and dislike of their spouses, it makes me want to look elsewhere for support.  I'm no psychic but I can guess that those same nonADHD people are not perfect.  I bet that they have some things about them that would cause their spouse to think twice as well- it's just that in some cases the ADHDer is to involved in themselves to notice-lucky for the nonADHDer.

I'm in my mid 30's and was diagnosed with ADHD 2-3 years ago and I had the "aaahhhaa" moment like everyone else.  After being diagnosed, I started Vyvanse and anti-depressant to counter the effects of Vyvanse.  It helped but it ended up being too much for my blood pressure so I was switched to Concerta but went off of it about a year ago- too soon to know how Concerta would have worked for me.  My husband has not been diagnosed with ADHD although I think he has some ADHD tendencies.  I'm sure it must have been very hurtful to hear that if he/or she had only known about the ADHD that they wouldn't have married you.  What that says to me is if I had known that the relationship was going to take this much work and that you weren't perfect I would have married you!  

That is an unfair statement but I can see how my husband may feel like that sometimes but he is not the only one.  I'm very much aware of my ADHD and I'm very much aware of how it affects my husband and family.  I empathize with what my husband goes through with me (and our son- he's going on 5 and I know he's inherited ADHD from me) but I also know that he is not perfect either.  My goodness, if I had known that he doesn't like feet and refuses to give foot rubs, I may not have married him either but here we are.

Marriage is about give and take, for better or for worse.  Because I am aware of my ADHD, I have to be careful not to play the ADHD blame game and take responsibility for my actions.  Even though I'm not on medication right now, I look for ways to improve as I look for my husband to educate himself on ADHD (and me) so he knows that there are certain things that are difficult for me as a wife and a mother.  He also knows that there are some good things about my ADHD like the home projects I have completed (e.g. ceramic tile installation, removed wallpaper in three rooms and painted etc.).  My hyperfocus and impulsive nature helped him get close to 5k knocked off the price of his new car:-)

Like you I think my husband is great but he has faults too.  In fact we're very different, as an ADHDer I say what's on my mind impulsively so he never has to wonder what I think.  Him on the other hand, keeps everything bottle up.  That is something that we deal with and is attributed to the ADHD.  Because I can be impulsive and inattentive my husband avoids expressing his feelings.  This is something that we have noticed and are working on as a couple but it takes a lot of work on both our parts.

ADHD can work well in a marriage.  It's not unlike other personality traits that drive each other crazy.  Learn about each other and find those neutral quiet times to talk and allow the nonADHD person to express frustrations.  Sometimes (a lot of the times), I have to tell my self "shut up" and listen but that takes training.  Hang in there everyone-it can be done (as long as there is no physical/mental abuse) it can work.  Wonder what my husband would say about this post:-)?

it is good to hear from the other side

ADHDAceofHarts,

I think you have made many good points and I hope you keep posting them.  I really like that you included the positive things your ADD brings to your relationship.  You have motivated me to start looking at the good things my boyfriend brings to our relationship and then TELL HIM ABOUT IT.    

Brenda

Thanks for your post

Many people come here because they are hurt, and in that hurt they say lots of awful things about their ADD spouses, but I know for a fact that I am not the only person here who not only treasures her ADD spouse, but is grateful that I married a man with ADD because he has brought so much energy and empathy and lots of other great stuff into my life.  Is ADD a picnic?  No, but on the other hand there are lots of times when I'm no picnic either, and it has nothing to do with ADD (since I don't have it).

Disrespecting ADHD spouses

Hi Melissa, I had no idea that you - as someone very interested in adult ADHD - didn't have it yourself! I may be part of the problem you describe re people who say terrible things about their spouse (see my overlong post about two above). Like I said in the post, I know my partner isn't evil or cruel. It's just that, as someone diagnosed twice (as a child and an adult) with allegedly severe ADHD, it is difficult to have one's life partner deny that ADHD exists. I have tried to recommend some books, but she won't read them since, as she says, reading about a 'non-existent' brain problem is like having to read the Bible as an atheist. As an atheist, I have no response to that! It's just hard for some of us ADHD types to be told our problem doesn't exist and is an excuse for our own laziness. Around here (Queensland, Australia) it's not just my partner: the majority of people don't believe ADHD exists in adults, particularly females. I go to a pharmacy an hour away to get my Dexamphetamine, and even then found out that one of the pharmacists knew a friend of mine who's a naturopath. She told the naturopath what I was up to, who then (inevitably) rang me to tell me I probably had a drug problem rather than a neurological problem. I have also told a couple of friends - mistakenly - about my diagnosis, as they've told others who have teased my about making up a non-existent problem in order to get out of responsibilities. Other people can think what they like (though I wish they'd be as supportive of me as I have been of their bipolar, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder and chronic fatigue syndrome. Never mind). I just wish my partner was in my corner, or even believed in what I was going through. Either that, or I could ditch my medication, overcome ADHD and regain her respect. I feel for people without ADHD in a relationship with an ADDer, Melissa. But the selfish part of me feels for us ADDers, too; especially the women. Meanwhile I will tell no-one outside this forum about my diagnosis!

Learning to Cope

Stumbled on to this site, but almost turned away since almost all the articles say "the ADD spouse i.e. the husband ..". Well, I'm the non-ADD spouse and the husband - with an wife who I'm sure has ADD but prefers to remain undiagnosed. She's quite accomplished in her field, but totally clueless with everything else (finances, household responsibilities, etc.). She has loads of stories to tell - some interesting, most boring minutiae - which might have been tolerably interesting if she had the attention-span to listen to an occassional story/conversation from me. She always cuts me off mid-sentence. And the cooked-up stories. If she feels that I may have, possibly, just a teeny-weeny chance I *could* have done/said something, then her brain seems to be wired to think it really happened. And nothing can change her mind after that - not even things like *proof* that it didn't happen. Very frustrating. Thankfully, these episodes are just once or twice a month, although the effects are long lasting. And the rest of time, she is ... tolerable (not the "fun to be with" that keeps getting mentioned often here). So, why stay, you may ask? Out of sympathy, I think. And the wonderful kids. Always on the lookout for more coping strategies. And very scared of those words "you don't do enough". What could anyone possibly mean when they say that to me?

I feel your pain. My husband

I feel your pain. My husband does the same thing. He repeats stories over and over. I have heard them so many times I have gotten to the point where I cut him off and tell him, yeah you told me that one already. As for their lack of trust, I understand that too. I am so tired some days that the last thing on my mind is sex but to him its "Oh you have somebody else, yes you do, just admit it!" I  have gotten tired of trying to explain anything anymore. At first I would try to explain how wrong and silly he was. After almost a year of this, now I just roll over and tell him fine, good nite, I am done talking. He rambles on for a minute and then falls asleep. In the morning, he is just fine. Like it never happened. Until the next time he has a set back and then we repeat the process. I am still here for the beautiful 2 year old. He's also not good with finances either. You are not alone...hang in there.

I also feel all your pain

My husband to a T.  He repeats himself over and over and over until I have to tell him to stop.  He does the same thing with his 9-year-old son.  I have to tell him to stop.  He says he wants counseling, so I set him up an appointment and he said he could not wait to get there, even wanted the appointment earlier.  Then, guess what??? Yeah, he forgot to go.  This is driving me insane.  I try and tell him the problems and that I feel like his mother, not his wife, but he just doesn't understand that and it is all about him.  Everything is him, him, him.  He does not see what living with him is like.  I have started going to counseling also separately from him.  He was to see counselor one time on his own and then we were to go together and I have decided that in addition to that, I need to go on my own because truly sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind.  It never ends, ever.  Thank goodness for this forum.  At least I know I am not the only one out there going through the exact same thing.

Hole in the bucket's picture

If wishes were wings, a frog wouldn't bump it's @$$

          I am indeed a husband.  My wife does indeed have ADHD.  We have one child already, (he turns one year next month), and now we have discovered that she is pregnant again.  And I am second away from beating myself to death with a warm salmon.  It's ridiculous.  I love her, obviously or I wouldn't have married her.  That just makes it worse.  If I honestly thought she was a bad person, or if I didn't love her, I could leave without guilt.  But I do love her.  I just can't take this much longer.  I've read books, joined forums, talked to specialists and spent hours researching ADHD and more... looking for any and all advice on how to survive this... and it's almost always the same, "Here's what you can do..."  Followed by more work for the non ADHD partner.  Not only do I have to pick her clothes up off the floor and throw them in the hamper which was two feet away from her when she took them off, wash the clothes, dry the clothes, fold them, separate them, put them away, hang them up and so forth, but now I also need to add to that workload. 
           When we first got together, one thousand dollars would have paid off all my debt and then some.  Now, we are closer to six thousand dollars in debt, and every month we have to worry about eviction, we have had to borrow money to pay for the baby's formula or return one of her precious make up products to get the money for the baby's food or diapers or baby wipes.  Every time, she breaks down and cries and hates herself.  Every time, I think she finally gets it.  Every time, I'm dead wrong.  Every time, I despise her a bit more and love her a bit less.  
She can't please me sexually, intimately, intellectually or emotionally.  And she doesn't try to.  sex is -maybe- once every two weeks if I push her.  Once a month if I don't.  When it does happen... it's ten minutes if I am lucky, because of one of her plethora of half imagined physical ailments. 
She wanted to be a stay at home mother after our first child, so I picked up more hours at my job and she stayed home with the baby.  Three months in, she wanted to go back to work.  So I juggled my schedule to make that happen.  When we realized one of us would have to stay home, it was more cost effective for me to be the one.  I don't know what happened in my brain that made me agree, but I stayed home.  Three months after that, she decided she wants to be a stay at home mother now. 
            I'm split right down the middle.  Because of her "incredible" back (knees, elbows, knuckles, ciatic, stomach, migraines, shoulder, vaginal, and whatever else will get her out of whatever she doesn't want to do), she has trouble picking up the kid, bending over, sitting down, laying down, getting up, whatever.  Everything is an emergency.  She called me home from work for "emergencies" five times with the first child.  One of those being when she stepped on him.  Another being when she apparently couldn't "get off the floor".  But she is going to handle two kids simultaneously?  But we can't leave her as the bread winner, because every week she talks about how she can't handle the stress and almost walked out of the job that day because she is determined that the manager hates her or a customer was being over dramatic etc.  Plus watching her handle the finances is like watching a train crash... into an orphanage. 
            So what the hell do I do?  I have to go back to work, I am going to have to (at least one job, probably two), when I had a steady job before I left it to cut down on her stress level.  I am then going to have to come home, take care of the baby, the toddler and the 30 year old child, clean the house and get yelled and screamed at the whole time, oh... AND convince myself to stay married to her, let alone loyal. 
            So yeah... ADHDers have a hard time, I know.  I was diagnosed with it when I was in high school.  You never get over it, but you learn to cope in other ways... if you try.  We love our ADHD partners... or we'd bury them in their own messes, save the kids and run screaming for the hills while firing divorce papers behind us.  We don't.  We get on websites and gripe... because our partners don't understand.  And the one place where I can pour out my entire ordeal and get SOME measure of self gratification (thats the only type I get after all), I have to worry about editing myself?  Nah.  Screw that. 
Venting here is about the only thing that helps me keep from killing the insensitive, frigid, overemotional, rage queen, financial black hole, mental teenager of a wife that I live with.  Because I love her...
            All these people with ADHD partners who are enraged and foaming at the mouth aren't mean people, or irrational or hateful... they are stable and caring people who have been thwarted at every turn by a ball of chaos that seems content to tear their entire world down around their heads, drive them to bankruptcy, suicide, the six o'clock news, divorce, or demonic offerings.  So here's to the partners, who grumble and bitch and spew venom, but stick with our partners anyway.

Hole in the bucket, I can relate

My husband is somewhat like this- his thing is to forget everything, or claim that yes, he remembered, "...but I thought YOU were doing it."  Every time I hear that phrase, I feel a bit of cardiac muscle die.  OK hubby, you're not going to do dishes unasked/sans grumbling/now, instead of later (read: never).  But could you at least put your dinner plate in the dishwasher when you see I have just finished cleaning the kitchen and ALL OTHER dishes are washed and dried and put away?   I am fortunate in that my husband has always kept a job, and he doesn't smoke, drink, womanize, gamble stay up late or even swear; regrettably, his "non-there-ness" drives me to smoke, drink, gamble, stay up late and swear- because that's how you make yourself feel alive when you live with Cotton Mather/Rain Man (and, of course love him).  We argue ALL the time.   I tell my friends that if we had a "song"  it would be "Two men enter; One man leave."  I like this forum, but I feel at times that the working title of all of my posts should be, "You Know What Else I Hate?"  That makes me shy to post.  My husband is incredibly passive-aggressive.  I wish at times we could skip the passive part, and that he would just punch me in the face and have done with it.  At least a face punch could be dealt with directly.  Instead, its all this nebulous b*llsh*t (did I put in enough astericks to pass online decency customs??) that I can't directly confront because "No, I didn't" or "That never happened" or "I/you never said that".  

You Know What Else I Hate? I think that if the situation were that I had to take on all the responsibilities but instead of thwarting/attacking/accusing me- if he was all, "You're the bomb! What would I do without you?" I could (maybe) feel a teensy bit better about things.  But I really can't stomach the lack of gratitude for all my efforts and hard work. Hats off to you, sir.  You are bearing up well, considering the strain.  And, no.  I agree with not editing myself.  I need some forum to vent to get through each day, as my friends are likely tired of my live-action version of "The Lockhorns".

Hole in the bucket's picture

well hats off to you too

Kudos to you.  Many kudos.  You hit the nail on the head... a few times.  You're right... direct confrontation -would- be better.  I -want- her to come at me... so I can pop her in the mouth and end the relationship without feeling like I dumped a 16 year old handicapped cancer patient.  The dishes... OH GOD THE DISHES!  As stated before, I gave up my job so that she could go career chasing... so... I wash dishes, do laundry (which is always a fricking scavenger hunt!), vacuum, etc etc... get the house as nice as I can before she gets home... then there are dishes everywhere... luckily, I did dishes just before she got home, and left the dishwater so that I could just wash them right up... yup.  Everything is going fine... till midnight when she wants to cook herself a four course fricking meal.  And... judging by the pots and pans in the sink, on the counter, in the living room and so forth... I dare say take down random dishes and has a party or something because half of the dishes we OWN are dirty when I wake up with our son at 5:00 in the morning... wake up... heh... I use that term loosely, because I only get naps during the night, due to my wife being unable to fall asleep without the television on in the bedroom.  If we had a song, I think it would be, "Die, Die, Die my darling".  Every once in a while she delivers a preprogrammed response telling me that I am appreciated.  But there is no feeling in it.  It's like she just knows it has to be said. 

Sorta break through... we were talking about her beginning therapy... and were debating whether to start with a therapist or psychologist or whatever while she was screwing around with her damned iphone... and the conversation went almost exactly like this:
Me: I was just thinking that it might help just having someone to talk to, you know?
Her: It says vanilla instead of chocolate.
Me: What?
Her: Cake.  Vanilla cake.
Me: Who says vanilla cake? 
Her: Enfamil.
Me: Huh?  Oh!  For (our son's) birthday!
Her: Yeah. (Followed by laughter)
Me: (Laughter)  Where was the segue for that?
Her:  Woo.  That's not ADHD at all is it? 
Me: Yeah, but I love you anyway.  That's why I want to know that we're on the same page with the therapy.
Her: I wish they'd hurry up and send it though.
Me:  (Long pause)  Umm... the cake?
Her: No!  My transcripts for school. 
Me: Oh.  Those.  They'll be here soon I am sure.
Her: What do you want for dinner?

I ended up recapping that conversation for her and we had a good laugh, but when we were all done with that, I asked her if she could imagine having an argument with someone who constantly shifted gears like that... and I think it helped. 

Of course there was still a huge mess when I woke up this morning, no sex last night and a ball of frustration where my face should be. 
 

Ha! I used to have conversations just like that-

Now when he says something apropos of nothing, I just look at him quizzically (eyebrows raised) and say "....electric blanket?"  Fortunately, he usually has a sense of humor about it.  I do think it is very important to maintain my sense of humor about this whole situation; to acknowledge the pathos, the insanity, the tragedy and keep laughing.  As Miss Manners would say, "At times the [situation] is positively crackling with cracks."  You know what? I do rehab;  My profession is to train individuals with physical and/or mental deficits to be able to take care of themselves- to the best of their ability/potential.  I have my own 11 y/o  special-needs child who is very physically and mentally impaired (I think they used to call that "retarded").  That kid keeps his room cleaner than my husband.  He can't hardly walk.  But he CRAWLS around the floor, putting his sh*t away every night before he goes to bed.  Now, tell me that's not hilarious.

You guys are hilarious

You should get together and do skits on living with ADD people :)

In general I agree with people who are frustrated about all the venting when it's mostly about anger and mass generalizations about people with ADD.  But you guys are just funny.  I guess that's one of the ways to survive.  It's sort of like not hiding your crazy uncle, but bringing him everywhere and then having a good laugh about the crazy stuff he does/says. (not to imply that people with ADD are crazy, just that laughing about the crazy stuff that sometimes goes on is probably better than being angry and frustrated all the time).

So keep it coming, I'm having a ball (in the words of Homer Simpson: it's funny 'cause it's true).

Real life conversations we have had....

HIM:  If I ever got to the point where I couldn't take care of myself, I'd just consider myself done.  I don't think I would ever want to live in an assisted living facility.

ME:  (vacant stare).

real life conversations

Yes have to agree,  if I dont have a laugh about some of the things that have happened to me...I would go crazy

One thing that is burnt into my memory, is a time a few years ago that my add husband woke me up in the middle of the night or it may have been early morning..to tell me to get up and turn the dripping shower tap off..it was annoying him......lol...can you believe it I was sound asleep but he couldnt get up himself to turn it off...I just rolled over but to this day people dont believe that he would do that...but its a true story.

Looking for feed back..is this ADHD or @#$

My ADHD spouse is negative 99% of the time.....talks about everyone including me to others. A friend told me what he had said to the grounds keeper...WOW...some of it was true about 5% but ,out of line and out of context to repeat. It seems to me either he does this to make him fee better about himself...ie low self esteem or he is just a A..H... Either way it hurts me to the point of anger.He also appears to have no respect for anyone...if he wants to he does it ..example he unplugged a co workers electric to his camper plugged his up without asking ...he saw no harm in it(because he was and said he'd do it all over even when he knew it mad him mad....said there was nothing wrong with what he did. I can't count the times he has done things that was upsetting to me and said let it go...I'd had rather he hit me...at least he'd see it and it would heal.

Looking for feedback:

I used to think that my husband was being a plain old  a**hole when he did things like that.  I have come to understand that with some of these situations, the problem is that his world view is entirely self-oriented.  Which still reeks of a**holery, but with mitigating circumstances.  At times, when we are arguing about something that he did that upset me- and he keeps saying he doesn't get why it upset me- I have to wave my hands toward him and say "YOUUUUU"; then I point at myself and say, "MEEEEEEE" to reinforce the fact that we are separate individuals who have our own individual needs, concerns, quirks, etc.  

For example, we had a discussion (read- tiff) regarding my unhappiness with his apparent plan to force me to spend Thanksgiving with HIS family for seemingly the rest of my natural life.  I stated (reasonably, I thought) that we had spent 12 of the last 13 years with his family, and I would like the opportunity to change this up a bit sometimes.  He stated (cheerfully), "And I hope that we can spend the next 20 years with them for Thanksgiving!" The fact that I might feel differently  about this situation than he does simply did not compute.  

How did it end?  He went.  I didn't.  We didn't fight about it afterward, but I know he is bagging it for future ammo.  But I figured SOMEONE had to recognize my need in this situation, even if the someone was me.  

Hole in the bucket's picture

Way to go!  Yeah I can relate

Way to go!  Yeah I can relate on all of those examples.  Every.  Single.  One.  I have been sleeping on the couch lately, first because it is better for my back, second because it's easier to get up and deal with the baby without waking her up, thirdly because she sleeps with the fricking tv on so I can't get to sleep until the entire disk of Charmed finishes beating me to death and I can finally get some peace and quiet, and lastly, because when I go to bed and lay next to my frigid wife, I feel MORE lonely than when I sleep on the damn couch. 
This morning she came out and asked me why I was sleeping on the couch.  I was in the middle of taking out the trash, and had already been dealing with the baby for three hours before she woke up AND she forgot to pick up coffee the day before so I was sans caffeine as well.  But I managed a civil tone and explained that I would rather not talk about it right then.  Somehow that set off a firecracker or something because she jumped right down my throat, telling me she may as well move out then.  Which seems a little over the top to me.  The baby started getting a little fussy, and she told me she didn't want to see my face and went into the bedroom with her bowl of cereal (which is still probably in there).  I decided to take the baby out of that kind of situation, strapped him into his stroller, took him outside and walked back and forth in front of the house for a bit to get out of her hair and keep the kid away from negativity. 
She came out for a cigarette, I asked her if she would like to join us (the baby and I) for a morning walk and she accused me of trying to cut her out of my life and exclude her from family things. 
I either need a lawyer, a bottle of meds or a sledgehammer.  Not sure which.  Anyone got some laying around?

Although I really enjoy your

Although I really enjoy your (you and 'revelation') posts..I admit I LOL when I read them...I really sense you care deeply for your wife and are struggling just to survive and not leave her. If you're doing everything (because it would not otherwise get done) then you're giving her no 'motivation' to change anything. I don't know much about your situation, other than just the bit I've read in the past two days, but it really does seem like she needs a wake-up call and you need to quit treating her like a child who has to be managed. I would be honest with her about why you're sleeping on the couch, why you took the baby outside, etc. Keep it simple, be concise, and don't let it turn into a fight...and be kind...but be honest.  Through the sarcasm and joking I sense that you more want to get through to her than you want to divorce her. For the sake of the baby (who needs a Momma that is 100% in his life) and for your marriage, you need to get this woman to see what she's doing...and you're going to have to start working together before it is too late. Melissa gives some good tips on how to get the ball rolling in her "favorties" section here. I haven't dealt with your specific issues (I'm the non-ADD wife, husband is ADHD) but I do know how mentally draining it can be swimming upstream...and you can only do it for so long before you just give up.

On procrastination, perfectionism and other endearing "traits"

At a time that I now only refer to as THE DAY I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SENSES, I asked my husband to build our child the outdoor playhouse she has been lobbying for.  That was a year and a half ago.  The SHACK I requested (with help from ADD father-in-law) has turned into an actual house with spiral staircase, loft and 14 ft roof line.  Unfinished, of course.  My husband proudly showed me the temporary steps he built leading into the house (it is elevated on pylons).  I strive to look pleased though I am wishing he had ramped it, because by the time he finishes I won't be able to access it on a walker.

The house has a 12 x 12  roof, and it is still not finished.  In August, I crabbed about this, primarily because I am acutely aware that the more time he spends on a ladder on the roof, the more chance that he will fall off the ladder at some point, due to inattentiveness.

I woke up recently with acute tendonitis in my right foot.  Hurt like a b*tch; couldn't bear weight on that foot.  Told my husband, "Honey, you're gonna have to take care of the kids and everything for a few days.  I can't hardly walk."  He said, "You can count on me.  You just rest."  Then he promptly went outside and fell off the ladder.

He says, "I think I broke my ribs."  But won't go to the hospital (too embarrassed).  So I apply a few steri strips and band aids to the few lacerations and cuts, and bind up his torso for comfort (while balancing on one foot).  He says (serious tone)," If I wake up having trouble breathing (he's a medical professional), don't take me to the hospital.  Its just something I have to go through."  I say (sweetly), "If you wake up with trouble breathing, it'll be because I'm smashing a pillow onto your face."

LOL

I find yours and Hole in the bucket's postings very funny and entertaining, not in a bad way, don't get me wrong. It just gives me an opportunity to laugh at my own situation. Which is not funny at all, by the way. I can't count how many times I felt like smashing the pillow onto his face! Obviously I won't do it but can't deny the thoughts.

Just today when things were going pretty good, survived Thanksgiving and all, that he all of a sudden decides that he wants our 7 year old to give him a hug. He said he had asked him 3 times already and our son just said no Daddy not now. Honestly I may be the crazy one here, but I don't see anything wrong with a 7 year old telling me he doesn't't want to give me a hug! Any thoughts on this anyone?

Well my husband thinks it is not acceptable and gets angry at him, puts him in time out and says he cannot get out of the room until he gives him a hug! My son who tents to be melodramatic starts crying like crazy, sobbing, and calling out for me. I was in the kitchen and did not say a word, trying to keep myself calm, but really boiling inside. Then I ask my husband: "May I ask you why he is in time out?" He: " Because I ask him for a hug 3 times and he doesn't' want to give me one. " ME: "So you think this is a good reason to put him time out?" He: "Yes, I think if I want a hug my son should give me one."

So my husband goes back into the bedroom, talks to our son, and comes back and tells me that he wants to talk to me. So I go in the bedroom, ask him why he is crying and he tells me the story about the hug. I ask him why he doesn't want to give his dad a hug and he says he doesn't' know why, he just doesn't fell like it. So there I am with a 7 year old balling his head off, and I am trying to convince him to just give his dad a hug and get it over with, because sometimes it's not worth to fight. Is this just nuts or what? Maybe I didn't handle the right way but I just didn't know what to do. Sometimes (I guess most of the time) I just try to avoid the drama, the bad environment, the negativity. So our son gets out of the bedroom and gives his dad a hug. And I felt like saying: "Is your ego satisfied now?" But just chose not to say anything.

life with an ADHD partner

Yes I can relate, but with my 20 mth great nephew. I belive children have a good insight even when they can't understand it or verbalize it. The baby is very out going , smart,and sweet...but screams when papa grabs him. He loves everyone but papa. Papa has never been around children and wants me to spank the baby for "stupid things". Papa has a lot , and I mean a lot of options of how to rear children without knowelage.On the other hand I'm no expert , but have been around children all my life and  a certified nanny. Naturally he mocks at me and says I know everything. I tell the baby that Papa is special, naturally he is too young to understand.

 

I told him about 3 weeks ago that I was leaving him mid December, he has ask me once not to , but changed his mind the next day...funny ( not at all) .I spent yesterday with family and a friend while he was home along. Last night he was wanting his loving so he comes to my room...LOL. I was watching a program, but he was talking about something else...after listening to the same statement 3 times I said I'm trying to watch this and you have told me 3 times the same thing WOW did he blow a gasket !He called me a b*tch and said no one has stayed on me about this before but you etc .(ie. causing is own low self esteem).He said you don't except me for who I am. I comely said you need help and that if I was sick that I would get treatment.He said I will help myself. (sure) Like your dad and where has that gotten him...I know I got on his leave, but did re-frame from saying you can't stand being around him in public , because you say he says stupid things and thinks it's funny..He was angry this a.m.(surprise) and said he was counting the days. It's like a yo-yo. I never was fond of them as a child, needless to say as an adult.I have  lived with mentally challenged and done volunteer work with them , but as much as I love him I've done all I can .It's like giving a five yr old his dinner, you can't make him eat it, you just give it to him and wait...he will eat it or go hungry. When I continue to talk about him getting help I only make me sicker, I am powerless over his health. I cannot continue living like this even though it is killing me to leave...bitter -sweet.I will miss him and be lonely , but I'm lonely with him, and that is the worst loneness there is. It's almost like a person with Alzheimer, there body is there and they talk , but it doesn't make sense and they don't really know you.Thanks for letting me vent. Feed back welcomed.

blesseddelaine- re: "...like a person with Alzheimers...

...they don't really know you."  I have often had that same feeling about my husband.  When I distill love down to its essence, for me it is "to be known".  Its hard to live with someone who can't remember what time you come home every Friday night (and forgets to turn on the porch light); who can't remember what your favorite color is, your favorite author or composer;  who picks up take-out, but doesn't bring you any because, "I didn't know what you'd want.";   who doesn't even seem to f*cking know what you like on your pizza!  How can he love me? He doesn't even know me.  

I long to be with someone who REMEMBERS that I was traumatized as a child, and so doesn't quietly creep up behind me and startle me.  Who remembers that I am afraid of spiders, instead of saying, "Come look at this" and its a f*cking spider.  

If you spend too much time with someone who walks by you in rooms without acknowledging your presence, who just goes to sleep without telling you (you only "discover" that he's gone to bed when you find him there later), you can begin to feel like a ghost; like you are haunting your own life.   

My life with my husband has the potential to destroy my very psychological integrity.  Honestly, the ADD part is hard;  the passive-aggression is deadly.

For safety, I avoid speaking to him.  I am civil, pleasant at times.  The partnership appears to be intact.  But the "marriage" is dead.  I envy you your escape.  I wait for mine.

Hole in the bucket's picture

That's good.  Cause the

That's good.  Cause the jailbreak is at six.  But right about when I am set to go, I'm gonna start feeling guilty and think "Maybe this -can- work."  And I'll end up staying.  So you might want to go on without me. 

Re: Thats good.

I understand , I have to also understand we are dealing with a sick person that knows they are sick. Me as an enabler is part of the slow if any growth. My ex husband is an alcoholic, for years I tried to help him, but I did more harm than good...:( I did the same for him that I do for my adhder. I took care of things that was "our" reasonability not just mine.I can remember leaving crying like a baby, but the tears stopped about 100 miles down the road. I stayed gone for 2 weeks, when I came back I was a different person, but he was not. It was like someone pressured washed the inside of my head. I stayed home for 10 days and left again, each time feeling healthier.The second time I started looking for a place to move ( kinda like a backup plan).When I returned 3 weeks later I knew I had a escape plan, which I used 7 days later. I moved to another state but we stayed married and visited each other for about 6 months. Needless to say I got too healthily (my choice) to remain married to someone who remained sick (his choice). That was 7 yrs ago, I will always love him in a special way, and today he has been in recovery for 3 yrs...Thank God , he now has a healthily life. He called me about 2 yrs. ago to make amends and it was great. I'm so happy for him.

I know how you feel totally

I think I know exactly how you are feeling revelation...my husband and yours seem to have very similar traits in relation to their memory...

The thing that hurts, is that when he wants to remember a special event or something that is his interest (hyperfocus), he remembers everything about it, but when it comes to the personal and on the home front, it seems there is a total lack of interest, which translates to us  "he doesnt give a shit about anything but himself"  He is always and will always  come first in his mind   and dont give a stuff about everyone elses' needs.

My husband after being together 35 years cannot remember my birthday or any of our children's or any of his family.  As you said cannot remember what time I start work, or what night I visit my mum (have been visiting her every Wednesday night for 3 years now ).  We seem to just live our separate lives now,,he does what he wants whenever he wants without asking whether I had plans for us or family events...he just misses all of them now..will not miss any of his club events..even if it is a working bee for a day at the club,,that is more important than going to daughters birthday dinner or another family get together  -  It hurts...but he still continues to prioritise his own needs above all others...I will never understand that ...never.... His wants are very strong and when he wants to do something..nothing gets in his way and I mean nothing.

You would think after so many years that just after sheer repetition that he could begin to take on some things about me and the children...but no.  he has no idea...it is totally embarrassing to the children... I wasnt until a couple of months ago that I found out he had ADHD..so lived all those years thinking he was doing it on purpose...so I have lived a miserable life...never understanding how a normal human being could be so hurtful, uncaring and selfish to his family.

I dont know how many times I have said the words "I have told you that a million times" but all he can say is that I am over exaggerating...he is so literal and if I dont say I have told you that 5 times every day for the last week (to be exact) it then causes arguments.

Like this morning, he decided to cook some breakfast, poached eggs, which I thought was really nice of him,  however he then proceeded with same questions he has asked many times(read hundreds) previously when cooking the eggs...how much water do I put in the pan....my usual response is just enough to cover the eggs...but then he says but how much...again I repeat .....enough to cover the eggs...if you have to just add a bit more after you put eggs in..   .to that there was a shake of the head and a grunt of frustration.   He had cooked poached eggs many times, and every time he asks the same question.

You can imagine how frustrated I get...and this morning was no different....I can manage to control myself most of the time, but sometimes in the course of the day, when there are many of these little nuances that crop up to niggle at me,I sometimes just crack. 

I asked why he couldn't seem to understand my statement of "enough water to cover the eggs"  he said it had to be an amount in inches so he could put it in....I said I had never measured the water up the side of pan before, and could not give him an exact measurement, as it depends on which plan you use, how many eggs etc... trying to reason with him in a calm voice...but to no avail..he just blamed me again...how could I expect him to cook eggs properly when I couldnt give him correct amount of water to cook eggs in.  

My solution:  next time    I will just say 4inches of water,,,,and that should cover all the different scenarios that may occurr when he is cooking the eggs...the only problem will be if he uses a really small pan one time and it boils over....buy hey  I will be there to take the blame again...where of where has his common sense gone....

Lack of common sense is particularly frustrating for me particularly when it is comes along with all his other ADHD issues like, memory, lack of financial control, planning, hoarding, untidyness , lying(I know that is a harsh word, but he just omits to tell me many things because he knows he has done something Im not going to like)   and his food and alcohol  addictions.

As you said REVELATION  My life with my husband has the potential to destroy my very psychological integrity.

I have learned know its often better to say nothing just walk away.

Thanks for letting me vent today...bad day all round....but it will get better....there are ups and downs...sometimes I think I just cannot keep doing it.

can relate

 Not sure about this though..does your adhder get mad and say you are treating him like his mother or a child ? I sometimes get so upset with the coma scene questions, I have tried every angle I know to explain and NOTHING works. One of the biggest complains I have is, he is the one who is acting like a child , yet gets angry with me. Well there is the know it all, when he doesn't know jack S*** !, and the I've said what I wanted to about the subject and now I want to watch the game etc.

blesseddelaine re: "treating him like his mother...

or a child?"  No.  My husband's favorite phrase is, "You're scolding me."  He seems to use it in response to every request, no matter how reasonable.  If I try to use "I" statements such as, "It bothers me when you don't take check my oil.  I feel uncared for when you don't maintain my car as you said you would" he says I am scolding him.  Every time he says this phrase, I mentally take the "Vaudeville Hook" out and yank him off my mental stage.  ARGH!

Revelation re: is' that not the same

Is scolding not what a parent(sometimes) does before punishment? LOL When I say statements like that" hurt me" he says I'm  a pu**y . Last night we had been joking ,(one of the traits I like) later i said something in a joking manner (BAM) he was hateful...almost bit my head off. I cried, he said he was sorry tat he didn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes I belive that he really don't see , but he want get help.He has plans to visit his patents today,  I said I hope you notice how your dad treats your mom ( he is most likely adhd also). I have 11 more days of this...there is an end for me , but not one in sight for him, and that does make me sad.

blesseddelaine re: is that not the same...

YOU'RE RIGHT! From now on, I will start mentally beating him with that hook.  I am counting the days with you.  11 more days and peace will reign throughout the land (well, at least on your little square of earth)!  Are you frightened, or only relieved?  How are you taking this all in?

Re: feelings

I have so many mixed feelings now my head is spending.  I'm just sick of the up's and down's. I know all relationships have them , but not a thousand in a week nor a complete 180 degree each time. With that said I think any problem in a marriage is fixable with one key factor ...can we all say "COMMUTATION", but that is a adhder's biggest hurler (well in our case)

I do love him ! My heart is shattered and I have told him , but he either done care or can't. Either way I can't stay when there is no hope in sight.This move will make me homeless, but am I not already homeless? When I hear you are only a guest,you need to leave,or get your s**t and get out.

We had a huge arrangement Tuesday night, and he left. There were a lot of ugly-painful words exchanged. It was over him taking down my art and putting up a bama ship. Needless to say it was not about the change , but how he went about it and the mean things he said. The fight did not stay on the subject ( no surprise )..but he did say what does it matter.....I'm leaving in a week ,why could he not just wait. I know the answer he wanted it changed now, so no thought beyond that. His knee jerk actions or lack of thought drive me crazy and hurt.

I had gone to keep the baby early that morning and when I returned the 40 inch flat screen was gone....I was so happy that he had thought it though and returned it. ( because he had told me the night before he could return it). WOW Did I get a big surprise, he walks in with a 46 inch at the price of $798.00.WOW (remember he owes $17,000.00 plus on credit cards and is always talking about getting out of dept) good grief his trailer cost only $6,000.00 not much of a place to call home.What good is relationship when we can't COMMUNICATE.

Oh well, I'm leaving to visit family out of state until Saturday and then I will only have 7 days left of this. I have not seen or hear from him since he left, maybe I want. As also thanks for letting me vent and feed back is always welcome.

re: FEELINGS

You said it well. Sending cyber hugs. I will never ever ever..ever understand the thinking and the behaviors. Mine brought up the trip to New York, a huge dream of his.  Then says ah it will never happen. So I ask So why don't you work on getting out of debt and plan and save to make it a reality.. he says impossible..I say then why dream at all about it. He says a man has to have his dreams.. Can you say NEVERLAND???

At any rate I see more than ADHD in your hubby's behavior, perhaps being presumptuous, but that is just mean stuff he is doing.

I hope you have a nice visit with your family and hang in there..I am one step behind you.

I'm back...and there is hope.

I arrived back in town last Saturday...he had called 2 ppl trying to reach me ( I left without a contact number).Needless to say I was in no rush to call him, so I called him the next day. True to his personality he was sweet , lovable , happy ,but not able to say it like a mature man. LOL (not really)...he said he was hungry, would I come  cook him something. I said NO. In my mind I was thinking a man ( without or treated ADHD) would have ask if he could take me out to eat etc. then talked, but he has untreated ADHD.

I went home (his place) later that afternoon and took the baby for safety ( so there would be no sweet talk sex)...a girl has to do what she has to at times...smile. The last few days have I have seen changes...( all his decisions) He took the TV back ....called and made an appointment (12/30) with the counselor  ( not the Doctor)...and made appointments with the realtor to look at houses Monday. Today there  no promises, but there is hope. He really does not want to take the med's now( he has tried 3 in the past without success ), I understand it is scary.

I don't know what tomorrow holds for (him,me,or us), but I know he is moving in the right direction and today that is enough. Thanks for reading as always fed back welcomed and prayers needed.

blesseddelaine: hope

Wow! Took back the TV and made appt with counselor, huh?  Do you feel that your time away nudged him in a different direction?  

"...come cook [him] something..."  Their needs are so front and center all the time, it seems.  That is tiresome.  

Good luck.  I hope things are changing toward the good for you.

OH man...trying so hard to

OH man...trying so hard to remember what the catch phrase is here. Frick.

I know that I hear "you're talking to me like I'm a dog" a lot...but there is another one....I can't think of it right now, that's shocking seeing as how I've heard it so much. Regardless, same here...I'm trying to talk rationally, he's accusing me yelling. I have the least little bit of frustration in my voice, I'm yelling. Ok..so for the most part, these things are a part of our past...but you do not ever forget and even hearing them just 3-4 weeks ago when he was on the concerta has really brought a lot of it back to the surface. When you truly feel in your heart that 'parts' of people are gone forever, change has taken over those ugly parts and replaced them with better ways of coping and communcating...and then BAM there they are again..it shakes the foundation. I feel, to a certain extent, this will always be a part of him. I pray and hope for the best, that eventually he'll trust me (let's face it, I don't trust him 100% either) enough to let go of the f'in defensive BS completely.

Is it trust? do you think they don't trust our motives? Do you think they honestly feel like we REALLY want to control them? Do you think they honestly see us in this 'role' as their mother scolding them? I can stand on my head, stick a sparkler up my a$$, whistle Dixie, and swear on the Bible that I don't want to be his mother..just want him to act more like an equal partner...and he would still insist that my unwaivering goal in life is to control everything down to his bodily functions. ARGH.

Sorry...in a bitter mood this morning. Lots of prayer hasn't helped yet...but I'm trying...will post about it elsewhere...

ebb and flow's picture

scolding

Oh my gawd, yes!

"I can't ever do what I want because I'm not allowed!" or, "you never let me"  or,

"You're so patronizing!" "you're so condescending!" "I hate when you act like an authority figure when I'm probably a lot smarter than you are!!!" <----- gotta love that one. :(

And this will all be in response to something as simple as, "hey babeski, don't forget tomorrow's garbage day and they're collecting cardboard!" (because he forgot 2 weeks in a row by this point).

yay team. :(

debbie- re: telling over and over

I will make dinner, and my husband will look at the red sauce, then look at the pasta and say, "Does this go OVER this?"  JAYSUS!!!!   Eat the sh*t side by side; put the sauce under the pasta; eat one- then the other, not even necessarily on the same day.  But *%@& don't ASK me about  it!@!%#

waynebloss's picture

I can and do remember

I do remember what she likes from what resturuant, what she prefers on her pizza, what her favorite color is, what her favorite band is.  What she wants most but my issue is that I am not allowed to show that I know.  I am not allowed to be her husband right now I have to be a F'ing roommate!  I am a ghost, we do not talk, we do not communicate, we do not even share the same TV shows we used to.  Her statement....we jsut do not see each other that much anymore so watch what you want and I will watch what I can.  Really...we cannot even have 1 night where we sit together in one room and watch mindless TV?  I am starting to think that my marriage is dead, I am just too stupid to understand that it is dead!

re- CAN REMEMBER

 Is that before treatment or after ? I have always been taught, treat others as you want to be treated. Reality is we all (at times) fall short of this, but where there is adhd in the home it happens very often. Example of my adhder... (have ask him many many times do not touch my stuff or wash anything of mine) He washes the only guilt I have from my grandmother (she died when I was 14 at the age of 91) The guilt is now pink..not white. He is an over the top Alabama fan, if I where to destroy 1 thing he would NEVER forgive me. When I said why did you wash crimson towels( Alabama color no doubt) he said without a dam...I didn't know it would do that..Hello...what the hick....Just don't touch my stuff...then there will be no mistakes...SIMPLE ! I can not count the times he has poured out what I was drinking (water- whatever) to clean up in his words, yet the island in the kitchen looks like a flat trash can with his stuff. I know I have vented here, but the bottom line to me is ...how many years did she live with you untreated? I'm sure it feels unfair to you , but she has been though a lot. I can forgive my adhder even today for his sickliness , but there is a difference in forgiving and wanting to move forward in a relationship. I don't says these things to hurt you , but your treatment is for you. When I read what you wrote I feel your pain, but also know she has hurt many years at the hand of your adhd. This is my thoughts. God is the only one that knows the answer.

waynebloss

I have coped with my husband's  ADHD for 35 years now, and it has not been easy, at the moment I feel mentally drained, hurt, angry, frustrated and many other things that people on the forum have expressed previously about what it is like living with their ADHD partners, whether they be male or female.

I did not know my husband had ADHD until a few months ago,  still no medication, no therapy or counselling, but at least I can now understand some of why he is like he is.  But it is still very difficult at times, because he is still not acknowledging his diagnosis.

He doesnt want to change, he wants to just keep going along like everything is fine, he has always put his head in the sand with all matters that he doesnt like or want to confront -  But that doesnt help our situation  -  I am still trying to hang in there, because I dont want to end our marriage.

I only wish that he could start  acknowledging his ADHD and what part it has played in our relationship problems  It sounds like your're trying really hard and I applaud you in doing this as , it would make SO much difference in our relationship, if my husband at least met me some of the way.  I would grab at his efforts with both arms and be so grateful -  but I am still waiting and trying to keep us together.

I suppose there is always going to be differences in every person and how they react, to partners and efforts to change...I can only hope my husband shows me something soon.

This is only my suggestion...and hey what do I know..like others have said ..not much about anything at all..

Communication is the key...as I know silence is deadly in any relationship ADHD or not.  Have you tried with SMS messages first if you cant be in same room together..You said she just wants to be a room mate ...Well maybe start with little steps first ...show her you can be the best roommate she will ever have...then she may start to ask more of you...but she must be able to trust that you will not go back to your old ways..remember dont push for anything more...be the best you can to her and the children ....your actions will be more than words at the start...but be patient..she must be the one to make the moves to the next progression in your relationship...show her in little ways that you are thinking of her..you say you know what she likes, colours  foods...well these are some of the ways  that I know I would like to be shown that someone is thinking of me or showing me that they care without saying too many words.   Maybe try and have dinner cooked for her one night, dont make a big thing out of it....you're just being helpful remember..do the the things that you know she might appreciate and perhaps the things that you wouldnt have done in the past.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck....

Wow...the more I read the

Wow...the more I read the more I understand you..naturally. You're such a strong woman...I admire your humor and your wit and mostly you strength. If my husband didn't know all of those things about me, I...I don't know..I just couldn't imagine. They always say it is the little things that mean the most...and he does SOOO many little things. He's an amazing gift giver, giving so much thought into what he gets me. My ex-husband pawned my class ring my parents got me without my knowledge. I didn't have the money to get it back. My husband could not have any peace about this. He went and had my one made, almost an exact replica (he was sneaking in asking me about how it looked), and tried to 'heal' that part of my past. When I was in high school I was a little overweight and VERY shy. This made me a huge target for a$$holes who thought it was funny to make the chunky girl cry...he insisted I go to my class reunion, head held high, and conquer that past hurt head on...by my side the entire way. He never forgets my birthday..ever. He begs for alone time for us. He knows ALL of my favorites...and often comes home with my favorite drink or candy (tootsie rolls). He has his faults, but when it comes to caring about me and who I am, what I want and need from life, he is 100% in the game. I am so very sorry that my epiphany had to come on the heels of your own struggles...I do feel blessed, inspite of everything. (He has always been this way...all 13 years of our marriage..through all of our struggles and hardships, very rarely did he ever give up on 'caring' who I am).

Again...wanting to kick some teeth in...but I will do the best thing I know how..and pray for you! (((HUGS)))

SherriW13- re: strength

I think it is a testament to how crippling this disorder is for SPOUSES that it came close to breaking me.  I (like Mr. Bucket) used to be such bad*ss.  I look at who I am now and it bears no resemblance to the person I used to be.  I still have a sense of humor, I still read avidly, I can still converse with others without looking like an emotional cripple. No one but you all know what I live with.  People in my life would be surprised to find out that I actually don't exist.  I will tell you a secret:  I have a very lengthy piano lesson every week (I have been studying for many years) There are many times when my teacher can tell that something is going on emotionally with me by the way that I play and will comment on it, ask if something is happening.  I am touched beyond words  that she is so in tune with me emotionally that she can hear it without me speaking.  And we are really only acquaintances, student and teacher.  When she touches my hands gently to correct me, it is shocking;  there is no gentleness in my life, other than that between my children and I.  This is how I spend Friday nights. And have spent EVERY Friday night for the past 6 years.   When I return home, my husband is always asleep and I play for 3 to 4 more hours.  And weep.  This is how I keep my emotional life alive.  So, this sounds bad, but it is actually good.  It is not possible to remain dead inside while listening to Beethoven or Schubert. 

Time for another day.   

I cannot imagine what a

I cannot imagine what a wonderful escape that is..my husband often turns to his guitar when he's needing that same type of escape.

I have never been a bada$$, not even close. I grew up very close to my mother but never feeling loved by my father. I fell in love with the first man that showed me attention...married him because I loved him and because since he was the first man I'd been with, I had to marry him, right? (not so much a religious thing, just a 'I can't live with myself if I don't thing'..stupid me!) He was an alcoholic, abused me both verbally and sexually, an horrible provider/husband and an even worse father. I left him when my son wasn't even a year old..never had the courage to do it for me, but by golly I did for my son. I was still naive, still believed in 'real love' and fairytales...and fell in love with a Momma's boy who made me feel like a real woman for the first time in my life..I was 26. That lasted all of 6 months, went downhill the next 3, and he dumped me and married someone else 2 months later. He was abusive with his words, but was very passive agressive about it. Stayed alone (by choice) for 3 years raising my son and working. Still had the fairy tale idea in my head and was still very naive. My husband came along and swept me off my feet. I only went on first dates (never finding anyone who sparked my interest ..or tore down my walls..to get a 2nd) for those 3 years...before him. Oh my Lord! What a dream come true it was...to finally feel like I was in a relationship where I was loved as much as I loved. The rest is posted here...scattered throughout the forums.

I did finally grow very close to my father when he almost died in Jan 2000...my mom died when I was 22. My relationship with my father was so comforting and so fulfilling...I'm so glad to have gotten to know, love and appreciate his love for me (although unspoken for all of those years before)...and I often drew on his strength..God, he was such a strong soul, but a man of few words. He had a heart of gold. When he died last Nov, I had no idea how I'd draw that strength again. Funny how you don't know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong.

Anyway..I guess in many ways I have changed...and a year ago I would have said none of them were for the better. However, I can honestly say that the way I feel about my marriage as a whole, and how it has changed me, has been for the better. Maybe it wasn't my marriage so much as life events that changed me and in return I changed and as a result my marriage changed..for the better. I would love to go back and take away all of the pain and devastation of the 'valleys' in my marriage...but if it meant that I wasn't where I am today...growing closer to God, growing in my relationship with my husband, feeling proud of who I am and my courage to change then I don't think I would change anything. I still am a romantic at heart. I still believe in happily ever after. I may get kicked in the teeth by life 437 more times before I die, but I guess if I haven't lost those part of myself yet, I probably never will.

I will ponder more the idea of what my life might resemble were my husband not ADHD...and get back to you...maybe. I do know that he has hurt me more than anyone I've ever loved...but has helped in so many others. Weird.

SherriW13- re: still believing...

You have been through so much, yet you continue to  have a gentleness and vulnerability about you, which is lovely.  You are fortunate; it sounds like your husband- in spite of everything- nurtures and cultivates that part of you. My husband views me as hard; but that is the aspect of me that he has cultivated.  

going crazy: Survived T-giving, but B-day nearly finished me off

I sit at the table, my husband and children watch me expectantly as I open my gift.  My husband beams;  I blanch as I look into the package and see a cheap, ugly plastic watch.

More importantly, it is my OWN watch.  Purchased 6 years ago by ME.  An awful little thing; something that I could cheerfully dispose of, in case of gross contamination.

Time bends and slows.  My pupils narrow, and I start formally "breathing" (yogic, square, diaphragmatic, lamaze); I need to center myself to collect my thoughts. As I slip into hypoxic unconsciousness, my entire gift-life flashes before my eyes:  A string of pearls, carefully chosen to match my skin tone.  Diamond earrings.  A leather Coach laptop briefcase (what I now know were the halcyon, short-lived days of "hyperfocus").  Then, a red sweater set 2 sizes too small (I wore it anyway;  He said "You look great".  I looked like a blood sausage.); The Biography of Benjamin Franklin- in hardback  (WTF?!?);  A $15.00 gift certificate to Meijer ("Did you mix up MY gift with the MAILMAN'S gift?" I asked, faux-innocently).  

But each time I would strive to look grateful, and pleased.  I am aware that it is the thought that counts.  But what does it mean that he has given me my own belongings?  I am vaguely aware of someone putting my head between my knees.  

"I had a battery put in your watch", he says.  Oh.  That's better.   We cut and eat the cake.  

OMG

Sorry to hear that (revelation), I've never had that happen to me however would not be surprised at all if he ever does something like this. We have so much in common in so many ways.....I also had my birthday about 3 weeks ago, first week in November. I wasn't expecting anything because I usually don't really get anything anyway. I am lucky if I get a good morning and happy birthday! I used to get gifts before (the hyperfocus stage) then they became only cards, then nothing....

Since he doesn't work at all, he doesn't really have any money to buy me anything (not even a pack of gum). But so just happened that the week before my birthday he had a couple of day jobs and made a little over 100. I was hopeful that this time I would get something (a pack with gum maybe?). Obviously I was wrong and he blew all the money within a couple of days. THat same week a friend of his gave him a TV (long story) but since we don't need one he decided to sell. He put out in the drive way on Saturday since we live in busy street he figure he could sell it and bingo, sold it for about 80. But right after went next door to the neighbors who were having a garage sale and bought some stuff (don't remember really what, dont care because it was junk in my opinion). He gave me the rest of the money, about 65 dollars.

Then my birthday comes, I go to work since it was weekday, I was planning on having some cake after dinner because I know the kids really like singing happy birthday. So he calls me at around 3 to tell me I had received some flowers and balloons (with "I love you" written on them). He is really upset and I ask him to open the card and we find out it is from my BFF who happens to live far from here. Very sweet of her but my husband says" Are you sure they are from her?" He is always thinking that I have someone else even though I go from home to work, from work to home, even if I wanted I wouldn't know how to do it! And really does he think that I am that stupid that I would have a boyfriend send me flowers at home? He must do.

So as soon as I get home the kids say really sadly" Mommy you have flowers and balloons but they are not from us!" That's low, really low. So I decide to take all of us to dinner (for my birthday). I invite a friend and her kids since she had called me earlier. She brings cake and some flowers. We had  a nice dinner and my husband says on the way back: " I would have taken you to dinner or bought you something but I gave you all the money I had." Really? Had he forgotten that he spent all the money he had made the week before on who knows what? Really? Really? How? I couldn't even bring myself to say anything, I just stared at him and said nothing.

The sad part is that I am becoming so used to it that I am not sure if I really care one way or the other.

going crazy, I will now be grateful-

that I get any gifts at all.  Even if they are strange and curious items.  Interesting aside- he came home today with a $200.00 power drill for himself; says, "Hey, you don't have to get me anything for X-mas.  Consider this your gift to me."  I'm all, "Gee, honey.  You always know just what to get you for the holidays." LOL.  Happy late B-day to you.  I am sending you a virtual pack of sugar-free gum.  Don't swallow it. ; )

ebb and flow's picture

revelation

I am laughing so hard right now!!! OMG!!!!

The post above about your birthday gift is exactly what I needed today!

Too funny!!!!!

Ebb and flow- re: thank you

Regrettably, my "stories" are all true.  I appreciate everyone's forbearance in allowing me to process these disturbing occurrences out loud.  Like Topaz, I am experiencing catharsis.  Unlike Topaz, I'm still p*ssed.  : )

ebb and flow's picture

rev

LMAO!!!
I'm so sorry to laugh at your expense but whenever I'm feeling a little low I come back to this post and I lose it completely!!!

I almost pee every time I read it!!! O-M-G!!!

hee hee hee

bodily sovereignty

You son has a right to assert his own boundaries. Your son has a right not to be touched if he does not want to be touched. I do not think he was being "melodramatic" by asserting his boundaries over his own body. Your husband's decision to use a time-out on your child as punishment for not wanting to be hugged is totally 100% unacceptable.   

Hole in the bucket's picture

I COMPLETELY agree with

I COMPLETELY agree with Chris39.  Just, ya know... for the record.  Just out of curiosity, how does he react when you refuse him sex and he asks three times?

To hole in the bucket

Interesting....I've have never made that connection between the 2. But his reaction to my refusal for sex is: he won't talk to me for 3 days! Almost as if he is putting me "in time out".

He feels entitle to certain things, most likely because I am such an enabler and have been for the past 13 years. I don't know how to break the cycle. I don't really care if he doesn't' talk to me for 3 days, sad as it is, I am used to it. But I do care that our 7 year old is in time out for something he didn't deserve. I do express my disagreement at time but always ended up in a fight. His comments to me: " YOu let the kids control you and tell you what to do, I won't."

There you have it! How do one get out of the situation?

I'm sure you've considered

I'm sure you've considered this possibility, but this is just a glimpse into what this child will be like when he's 12..13...and Dad asks him to do something. Your child doesn't want to hug him probably because children are very perceptive. I saw some of this in my daughter, after we drug her and our family and marriage through hell for 6 years...and put her in counseling UNTIL I felt she was at least over the worst part of it. My husband has bent over backwards to regain her trust (he didn't do things like this, but he hurt her and he hurt me and she wanted nothing to do with him). I put up with a LOT towards me, but I can honestly say that I would have probably blown a gasket if he'd have done something like that to our daughter. Please fight for your son...or he'll end up hating your husband AND resenting you for letting him treat him that way and get away with it. Believe me, I lived it.

how to break the cycle

going crazy,

Just a suggestion.  Choose one of your own behaviors and CONSISTENTLY act/respond in a way that is good for you.  It is essential you are consistent--at first you will get more resistance, but over time you will retrain people how to treat you.  But if you are not consistent it won't work.  Since you wrote that you were an enabler then just choose one thing to change at a time, choose one that will bring your the biggest benefit.

brenda

Hole in the bucket's picture

My sister (As I stated, a

My sister (As I stated, a therapist who works with children in EXACTLY these circumstances with degrees and paper training and so forth:
 

Yes, it is definitely wrong to force a loving gesture out of a child, or to punish them because they don’t “feel” a certain way. It completely discounts that child’s feelings and sense of self. It sends several bad messages, one being I can’t be genuine about how I feel and I have to pretend to show love even when I don’t feel it. Another being, “My parents wont respect my feelings or my emotional state.” If this happened enough, the child could become very confused and shot off emotionally. He definitely won’t want to share important things with his father, and may not want to with his mother if she facilitates the father’s nasty behavior…even if it is to just shut up the father.

 

What would have been a more appropriate response from the father would have been to respect the child’s wishes and try to figure out why the child felt distant from him and didn’t want to hug him. He is very arrogant to assume that just because he fathered a child that that child is obligated to show affection whenever he wants it. That’s my professional opinion. Personally, I think it’s just gross behavior.

 

The mom was in a difficult spot. I think the damage done to the kid was probably greater than that that would have been done to the relationship if she had stood her ground with the husband (assuming that things wouldn’t have gotten violent or anything). Hard spot for her, but she should have trusted her gut in my opinion.

 

On another note, you ought to feel good that your intuition caught on to that!! J

 

If you use my comments, I would paraphrase and soften things up a bit.

Good luck!


However... I -didn't- paraphrase, because I think you're a big girl and you can handle it.  Plus... I wanted my props.  :D  And you deserve yours as well.  Trust your gut. 

 

Thanks

Thanks hole in the bucket for you comments (your sister's) I appreciate it. I definitely know I should have followed my gut feeling on this one, but didn't. And I can go all day long making excuses but I won't. It was just wrong all the way around. He is in fact very arrogant, he thinks that he is "entitled" to certain things in life! And this doesn't stop there with the kids, he is like that with me, if he asks me for a hug and I say know, he turns around and tell the kids: See your mom doesn't love me, she won't give me a hug! What an arrogant bastard! That's all I have to say.

Don't worry I about paraphrasing or not, I know better than that!

:)

Hole in the bucket's picture

Well keep us posted on how it

Well keep us posted on how it works out.  Sounds like he needs some help... swiftly.  Or divorce papers. 

protective behaviours

Chris39 you are so right, about a child having the right to decide when and where they want to be touched or hugged by anyone.  I work in the child protection field, and I see all too much that right being denied to children, with absolutely traumatic effects.

Please dont get me wrong, Im not comparing your partner with someone that takes advantage of children.  The point I would like to emphasise is that teaching children and perhaps in your case your partner all about the importance of "protective behaviours" for children might save their life one day or protect them from someone who is trying to harm them.

Protective behaviours are:
* Empowering children with the right to feel safe and act to keep themselves safe.
* Enabling children to acknowledge their 'feelings' and act on them. 

Also getting children to have a network of people that they feel safe with, or can talk to about things that are concerning them - these people can be teachers, sports coaches, neighbours, and the emergency number in your country -anyone they nominate that they feel safe with and talking with.

Your partner's actions in punishing your child for not giving him a hug, is teaching your child that they must hug any adult that asks them...and this is not the message that you want your child to learn.  He should be encouraged and rewarded for saying NO to something he doesnt feel comfortable with or doing. 

I'm sorry for getting on my soapbox about this...but I work with this everyday...and it is something I am quite passionate about...protecting children...and there is far too many children all around the world that are harmed or abused everyday.

So please, dont take this the wrong way..maybe look up protective behaviours on your internet..and explain to your partner about personal space and boundaries for children ...this doesnt mean your child doesnt love you...you will just be empowering them to protect themselves in the future.

Perhaps even your partner could take it on to teach your children about it.
 

Thank you for the comments

debbie - don't worry I did not take it the "wrong" way your comments. I really appreciate any input and although never though about it this way, I can see why it may well be an abusive behavior from my husband's part. I think he is not a mean person, he doesn't see that what he is doing is harmful. I often point things out to him but the problem is that I get so angry trying to protect my children that he takes it as an attack on him and the fight starts. Not an excuse, but it has been for so many years that I am so frustrated and angry that I don't know how to react. I consider myself an intelligent person, I am college educated and grew up with a "fairly normal" intact family. I accept a lot of my husband's behavior out of self doubt, low self esteem, not really because I think it is acceptable.

The other thing he does to both the children is to call them names (or nick names) that he finds "funny". He thinks he is really very funny and often came up with names that are derogative to me and/or the children. I stopped doing that with the kids because I stood my ground and told him I would not tolerate that. I told him that was unacceptable and he stopped somehow. But hasn't stopped with me though. I just take it because I am so tired of telling him calling me names hurt me, but he won't stop. They are not bad names, just a nick name that he thinks is cute but often hides an imperfection on my self or the children.

I am so tired and so not want to be in this relationship but I don't want to go through the chaos that I went 3 years ago when I left. (he even went to jail for destroying our property). I don't want to put the kids through the verbal abuse of him telling them he will never see him again (that's what he told them and he actually stopped talking to them when we were separated for a year).

This is all crazy, I really need help. I have called a couple of doctors to get an appointment for depression and anxiety meds but haven't been able to get in yet. I also have a list of counselors that accept my insurance and I am going to call them (don't know why I haven't called yet).

Most of the days I spent trying to figure out a way to escape. I just want to take the kids and go, I don't care about personal belongings, or nothing else. I can go to a shelter in another state and just start over.

Sorry, all of a sudden I got very depressed.

be careful what you allow

Going crazy,

But hasn't stopped with me though. I just take it because I am so tired of telling him calling me names hurt me, but he won't stop. They are not bad names, just a nick name that he thinks is cute but often hides an imperfection on my self or the children.

when I read your comment that you would not tolerate him calling the children names, I thought you must be a very strong woman.   It is a good sign that you are able to protect your children.  I want to write this in a compassionate way, but consider what it is doing to your kids when they hear him call you names.  If your boundaries are so shaken that you can't stop this for yourself, please consider putting a stop to this for your kids.  When I went through my divorce, my counselor told me that the best thing I could do for my kids was to have strong boundaries because they were watching.  My two daughters thanked me later for showing them that a woman did not have to tolerate the treatment I was going through.

But I also would advise you to be wise, gentle spirited, and change yourself one step at a time.  Our lives do not get into these messes over night and our life will not be turned around overnight either. 

Brenda

a relevant joke

Marriage is like a deck of cards...it starts out with two hearts and a diamond, but by the time you are well into it you are really looking for a club and a spade.

LOL!

That's GREAT!!

Men....

Lol I'm the one with ADHD and my fiancé  does this exact thing to me all the time.... I think that's a man thing.

along those lines

I worked with a couple once who accidentally recorded one of their conversations (new phone, got left on by mistake).  The results were sobering for them both when they reheard how it went.  In that case, lots of "he always says I do X" (no I don't!) and "She always loses her temper" (no I don't!) and, guess what?  They heard themselves and realized they were both doing what they said they weren't doing.

I love reading your posts because they really are hilarious.  Assuming you are describing your situation with any kind of accuracy, your wife really needs the therapeutic help and the benefit of hearing a third person (not you) tell her some of these things so she can start to self-assess better.  Someone who will say "yes, you did exactly what you say you don't do" and help her start to see herself in a mirror that isn't clouded by her distraction.

Sympathise

I can identify with what you say JR.  For me the once a month syndrome you mention is daily even hourly.  I have i  the past considered trying to "prove" to her what perceptual/memory errors she makes, but now you say this strategy doesn't work.  Doesn't leave any hope.

Hole in the bucket's picture

To going crazy

As previously stated, my sister is a therapist who worked with DCF and the police department in cases of abuse, where she was kind of the one brought in to find out if there was a case or not.  I will ask her to give me a couple suggestions and I will post them here. 
I recommend doing some searches on line to dig up other suggestions and maybe marriage counseling.  If he refuses all of them... then my opinion is that you need to get your head out of your ass, and get your kid out of that situation. 
HE comes first.  Not your husband's need for the world to do what HE wants when he wants it and not your fear of provoking him.  I can say that forcing a child to hug you and punishing him when he doesn't is NOT healthy and I believe could be classified under abuse... I'll have to double check. 
 

Hole in the bucket's picture

And for my next trick

@SherriW13
I apologize if I haven't stated it before, but I do speak with my wife about these things.  I just have to wait until after she's done... ADDing.  I absolutely believe in being honest with your significant other about your feelings and so forth.  There we are.  Record set straight. 
You are also ABSOLUTELY correct in your assessment of my feelings for my wife.  However, I also don't have the option of just going "on strike."  We have a child already and another on the way.  I can't let the house go to shit and not do laundry or dishes or pick up the house or vacuum or what have you because that's not a healthy way for a child to grow up. 
For the record though, I did speak with her about the couch situation and we came to a sort of understanding and she always agrees with me removing the kid from the argument... just not always when its happening. 
Wow, you think I'm sarcastic?  >:) heheheheheheheheheheheh
As far as him needing a mother around 100% in his life, I will disagree to a certain extent.  A child does not need ANY parent around them 100% in their life.  They need a GOOD parent.  My mother and Stepfather were very abusive with me and my siblings.  Broken bones, bloody noses, bruises, welts, etc.  And that's just the physical stuff.  I'll take my pacifist father over that any day of the week.  My point being, if she can't be a proper mother... then she needs to be in his life precisely 0%.  I cannot support him watching his mother screaming and throwing things because she can't find her work apron in the morning just because 'everyone needs their mommy'.  Unless I misunderstood your statement. 
You're right again, I DO need to get her to see what she is doing.  And I need to do everything else around here, too.  But yeah, she is supposed to call and set up her therapist appointment tomorrow, and then... it is hopefully just a matter of time.  My sister is a therapist and business owner with an ADHD husband AND step daughter.  So i go to her for advice quite often.  She is the one that helped me find the doctors who specialize in ADHD cases to help my wife along as smoothly as possible.
So, to recap Chris39: I agree.  Already on it and kids need -good- parents 100% in their lives and bad ones out. 
 

Hole in the bucket's picture

To revelation

I think I love you.  LOL.  No, but seriously.  Let's just swap spouses and dance off into the sunset.  I'll even buy you a properly sized sweater.  I wonder how messy the house would get before they realized they'd been duped.  Heh heh.  Ahh.  Le sigh. 
My wife is the same way.  Buys herself stuff ALL year.
Her: "Yeah I bought myself a birthday present today!"  Then she proceeds to pull out three thousand forty five bottles of shampoo and conditioner and expensive body spray.  And I don't remind her that her birthday is not for eight months. 
Three weeks later: "Hey honey, I bought a new cellphone cover."
"...blender..."
"Shoes"
"Candy bar."
"et"
"cetera"
Always talking about what she's going to get me for my birthday.  Birthdays roll around.  I give her Aloe vera socks for cracked feet (Super comfy), a jewelry box crafted from sea shells with a velvet inside, necklaces, rings, earrings, bracelets, etc. 
All I want for my birthday is to make love with my wife. 
Never happens. 
I don't get anything.  Or when I do... she just brings home something she wanted and says it was for me.  blech. 
In other news, Corduroy pillows are making headlines everywhere. 

%&!#, some people don't appreciate sh*t

Let's get one thing straight:  I can cook my a** off.  And not in a "...I found this recipe for vegetables-n-cheese online..." way.  I mean COOK, dagnabbit.  Feeding others well is how I express my love and regard.  My in-laws used to like to drop by my house (with little notice!).  I don't really care for them, but still I would feed them like honored guests. Have we established yet how I feel about food?  Good.  

So, when hubby says, "My mom just got out of the hospital and she's pretty weak..."  My initial thought is, "Yeah, she's probably worn out from all those years of giving me the stink eye."   But I'm a good Southern girl, so without comment I go straight to the kitchen and start making a good, restorative soup.

I reach into my deep freeze, pull out a chicken I had freshly slaughtered a few weeks before.  Thaw, then transform it into a rich (low sodium) stock.  Stock simmered, then strained- it is beautiful, clear and fragrant.  Add organic jasmine rice. I walk down to my garden, gather fresh basil and sweet peas.   Put some cooked chicken back into the broth. Drop the peas in during the last few minutes of cooking so that they're tender, but not overcooked.  Add chopped basil and a tiny squeeze of lemon to brighten the flavor.   Yes, this soup kicks a** (without being TOO exciting for the geriatric set).  I carefully prepare it to go. Give it to my husband to take to his mom.

He returns.  He says nothing.  I wait nervously.  Did he leave the soup forgotten in his car?   Did he drop it on the lawn while clumsily rushing to the door? I am afraid to ask.  "Did you give your mom the soup?"   He says, "Yeah.  Dad said it was too salty and Mom thought the vegetables were too hard."  WTF? They're everyday fare is canned food and hamburgers.  They may as well stop purchasing food altogether and just buy salt licks.

I ponder why hubby found it necessary to bring me this message. Surely, they knew he would tell me.   I think about how critical my husband is, and where he got that from. I begin to feel angry for him, that he has parents like this and sad for him that he still so obviously wants their approval.  I think about their sh*tty little message, and I decide to send back A MESSAGE. 

A month later, his parents come to visit.  Opening shot: I tell hubby, "Order them a pizza." He looks dismayed, but obeys.  Next visit, I assault their "delicate" sensibilities with cold, non-tasty sandwiches.  They are confused, but gamely gum them down with vague murmurs of appreciation.  Too late; the gloves are off for me.   A subsequent visit is marked by BBQ chips (no brand) and Diet Pepsi.  Still later, only weak tepid tea.  At an even later visit, I look on with mirth as hours into the visit, mother-in-law attempts to persuade my youngest to give her a bit of water from her sippy cup, as no other refreshment has been offered.  I begin to enjoy "non-meal" planning for them.  I think they're getting my message.

*Hole in the bucket, I adore you.  You tickle me.

 

some people

oh my gosh.. reading this post was like watching a horror movie , I can't look I can't look. oh I have to look LOL. I lapped up every word, thinking oh you go girl. I am a "Cook" too, capital C so I so get it.

I'm in a situation with my own daughter, who is not on speaking terms with me because of my ADHD hubby and she is being really crappy about it. So this post was cathartic.

Hole in the bucket's picture

Oh... that's AWESOME! 

Oh... that's AWESOME!  Knuckle bump!  Heh heh... *Rubs hands together wickedly*  You have begun my wheels a turning... I just don't get some people some times.  A simple thank you.  That's all it takes.  A simple thank you.  Or hell!  Even a "A little on the salty side... but delicious."  Or SOMETHING to show it's appreciated.  I get that as well, "Oh my steak isn't still mooing.  But eh.  Well it's alright I guess.  thanks."  Well I'm sorry... make your own goddamned meal. 

Interestingly... I fought back as well, almost on the same day. 

My mother in law came down to visit (it went better than expected.  She didn't lecture our one year old about Yaweh's love being able to protect him from monsters, pagans, atheists and brown people and I didn't beat her to death with my mythology book.  She didn't mention my dungeons and dragons paraphenalia and I didn't mention the fact that I am pretty sure God hates her face.)  Aaaaaanyway...

She came down and was going to take my wife out shopping. 

(Little back story: I have had to take the food money away from my lovely wife, who seems to think that money DOES in fact grow on trees.  I took our 200 dollars for groceries and split it up to fifty dollars a week over the course of the month.  That way each week, we have food.  She keeps trying to talk me into pulling money from the next week's food budget to get something for the current week.  Well she managed to get me to do it a couple times... leading to our last week of the month resting at thirty dollars of grocery shopping. 
Back to our current time line. 

My wife looks at me and says, "So can I have some money so I can get us some steaks?" 

I look up from dealing with our hellspawn and reply with as much love and adoration as I can muster, "Absolutely not." 

I see her eyes narrow, the shadows around her growing dim with barely restrained rage, "Why not?"  She snaps.

"How much do you think those steaks will cost?"  I ask, undaunted. 

"About ten bucks.  It's only ten bucks!"  I can hear the beast within her stirring, bones cracking, hair sprouting as her lycanthropic demon mind powers begin to whir to life, but I cling to the white light that burns deep down... and I gather my strength in it's warmth...

I speak before I know what has happened, "Where do you think this money comes from?  If you spend ten dollars for one meal, then we only have twenty dollars for food for the rest of the week." 

Reality seems to ebb around her as she rises, fanged maw slathering with malicious intent, "It's... only... ten... dollars...!"  Is what she said... but it was tinged with feet stomping, fist waving and 'You never let me do anything!'

Well I looked her dead in her glowing red eyes and said, "No." 

Just before she had a chance to lunge across the room and tear my head from my neck to feast on my life's blood, her mother added, "Listen to your husband.  He's right." 

Judging by the look on it's face, the beast was as confused as I was.  I was right?  When had that happened?  The beast retreated back to it's comfy place within my beautiful and sweet wife to contemplate this revelation. 

I must admit that I was just as perplexed that my mother in law was suddenly less vile as I was that I was apparently right. 

Regardless... I eventually recovered and felt pretty good about myself, and hated my mother in law a little less. 

The beast also recovered however... and was now enraged that I had apparently embarrassed it in front of it's maker. 

The battle rages on.
 

holy cow er I mean steaks

 I am constantly awestruck at how the stories on here are MINE with a few tweaks. Take out the s and it reads "he rises, fanged maws.......it's only 5000.00 dollars...I will NEVER get to go to New York (insert his thoughts here...because your'e a miserly selfish no fun havin........ )

Me : sigh, whatev!

I often muse that  I must have been a witch hanged and burned in my past life and this is just Karma. sigh. thanks for the laugh and reality check..

Best Wishes to you.

Hole in the bucket's picture

I would just like to

I would just like to apologize to all our Wiccan readers... heh

LOL

red-faced

oh dear insert foot.....my apologies

Hole in the bucket's picture

I am sure my wife forgives

I am sure my wife forgives you on the days she's wiccan.  ;)  (She says she is... but I think it's just to piss off her parents.)

And how about a shout out to the Early Catholic church for all those slaughtered innocent people eh?  Thank the gods they got that out of their system huh?  lol

Can't win HITB

Thanks for not slicing me to ribbons with that razor wit. Sorry about the foot in mouth analogy after what you shared re: feet.... I can't even apologize right. I hope one day to be able to see things with the humor you do, really truly. It helps so much.

Hole in the bucket's picture

It's a gift.  *Bows*  I think

It's a gift.  *Bows*  I think it's the only reason I am not a serial killer... instead, I developed a sense of humor.  Child abuse (Blood and broken bones), abandonment (my father vanished for almost a decade, unknowingly leaving me to my abusive stepfather and mother), redneck brainwashing (I made the mistake of asking "Wait... no, I get it... but why do we hate black people exactly?" which made him almost break my neck while he was choking me), mother issues (She actually manipulated my stepfather into most of the beatings, setting herself up as this person who had the ability to call down the thunder... so I had better please her!), extremely violent early adulthood (Lashed out at the world I blamed for everything that happened to me), a string of horrible relationships (My first fiance tried to get me killed... or hospitalized... I'm not sure what her intention was... and have you ever tried to communicate with a schizophrenic?) and then I married an ADHDer.  If I didn't laugh... I'd kill.  :D

Deven- re: your gift

But how did you learn/develop your patience?  When you speak seriously about your wife,  you seem to have a gentle heart.

Hole in the bucket's picture

I had siblings.  It's my job

I had siblings.  It's my job to keep them safe.  No matter how bad it got... blood running down my shirt... unable to walk... whatever... I had a little brother and sister to take care of.  Also grew up on a farm, so had to take care of all the animals and stuff too... patience just sorta came with the territory... that and my dad managed to instill some of that famous Danish patience before he vanished.  That's my theory. 

Deven- re: patience

Yes, I can see that...I spent a lot of my formative years on a farm also.  Have I ever tried to talk to a schizophrenic?  No, but my father was bipolar and cuckoo for coco puffs.  So yes, I get it.

Hole in the bucket's picture

Alright that's it!  Twenty

Alright that's it! 

Twenty bucks RIGHT NOW says Count Chocula could beat that damn Cookoo bird's ass so bad each chocolately little ball would weep tears of delicious agony and suffering!  Any FRICKING takers?!  Eh!

Oh and Revelation... don't suppose you have facebook or something?  I would love to trade witty banter in a more real time setting. 

THE GLOVE HAS BEEN THROWN!

Mr. Bucket- re: facebook

Alas, I have never even SEEN a facebook page.  Have you not understood that I live in another century?  I am practically Edwardian, for heaven's sake!  As for your gauntlet, I'm sure your man would win;  my father was violent, but it arose from inner turmoil.  He might punch you in the face, but his heart wasn't really in it.

Love it!! The sippy cup.. too much!

My mother-in-law, God rest her soul, was just like this...if she couldn't criticize the food (or had already done so and was still in the mood) she would criticize my curtains for not matching the walls. I really do feel she had ADD and this is where my husband got it. She had no 'filter'...and in her younger years was apparently fairly 'restless' in her life and needed a lot of chaos and excitement (even if negative) to keep her attention/interest. (this the 20+ years of living a life of complete chaos and being neglected and abused by my father-in-law (God rest his soul, too) because in the 'good times' it was exciting..partying, music, going, going, going all the time. Never a dull moment.

I was always the gracious host...and we had a running joke about what she had criticized after she left. At first my husband tried to blow it all off ..like her calling me 'fat' days after I'd given birth to our daughter..."oh she didn't meant it that way"..but eventually he realized and it hurt his feelings and embarassed him too. So, I decided to just let it slide and not make a big deal of it, as I knew how much he loved his mother and I didn't want to be a source of conflict between them. Whatever.

Yes...conversing while

Yes...conversing while someone is "ADDing" is bad..been there, done that...want to kick myself in the teeth when it happens...

When I suggested you stop doing everything, I didn't necessarily mean the housework and taking care of kids and such...just got the feeling in general that you have zero expectations of her in all areas and thought maybe expecting a little more might be a little healthier. (i.e. stop tantruming in front of the kids so that you have to physically remove them from her presence) Easier said than done, I concede.

I KNOW you're sarcastic...and as I said, I LOL often when reading your sarcasm. It's my second favorite language.

About the needing the mother thing...the 100% I was referring to was not the time spent together but more referring to her 'mental state' than anything. I agree, no parent is better than a shitty parent, but wouldn't it be best if she could get the help she needs and be a positive part of their lives? I mean I know you know this, and I really hope that since she's starting counseling she'll start to work through all of this and actually start to be more of a partner to you and a parent to the children. Not sure what role hormones play in ADD (make it worse?) but my thoughts are with you through the next several months. Eek.

Keep us posted!

Hole in the bucket's picture

I accept those thoughts with

I accept those thoughts with a humble heart.  Thank you.  I may need it. 
In other news, my wife and I have been trying to share an intimate sexual encounter every day for the past week.  By we, of course I mean me. 
She is maybe a month, month and a half along and I think milking it just a little.  At least when it comes to our sex life.  Sex life.  Ha. Ha ha.  Ha ha ha!  More like sex rigor mortis. 
Here's how it goes:
Every three to five days I manage to coo and entice her into making love to me...
This is an all day event, with "love you's" sprinkled through out the day and a fair bit of semi lewd propaganda and or spontaneous prose, "Wow!  You look beautiful in those bright fucking red Eeyore sweat pants and ratty T-shirt.  Really?  You're craving chocolate?  How weird!  You're hungry?  You want me to fix you something to eat?  What would you like?  Oh.  All that, huh?  Well okay.  I'm going to go make you something while you lay on the couch and pick at your feet like a chimp going to town on another chimp's scalp."  Yuck.  Show of hands?  That's just fricking gross am I wrong?  WASH YOUR HANDS!  Ugh! 
:D I smile and work up my motivation to perform the rough and tumble with my apparently made of glass neanderthal of a wife as she blames her growing girth on our first son and not on the burritos, ice cream, lack of exercise, laziness and constant food gulping. 
"You're right honey!  It's all our son's fault.  Pregnancy did this to you!  Now put down the velvet cheese cake and trying cleaning up after yourself!" 
Where was I?  Oh yes!  Standing in the kitchen, fixing my wife something to eat and trying to work up the desire to lay with her and praying she washes her hands.  The whole time wondering if it would be better if I just spent the night with Gianna Michaels and internet porn. 
Well a few hours later, I crawl into bed with her and she begins the sighing and rolling of the eyes.  You see... she is in too much pain to make love... so... I have managed to, (after an hour and a half) talk her into just letting me look at her naked while I take care of myself for Christ's sake. 
Yup, you guessed it.  My swelling, feet picking, nagging, argumentative, pig stye living, scatter brained wife rolls her eyes and complains the whole time because her flopping on the bed and lifting her shirt is too much fricking work for her.  Meanwhile, all I can think, as I lay there tending to myself while she watches reruns of House, is... I wonder how Gianna Michaels is doing. 
Its not like I'm trying to make love to her because she's -so- hot I can't keep my hands off of her, or for the intellectual properties.  No.  I'm trying to be intimate with her so I can save our damn marriage.  And she acts like I'm an annoying neighbor borrowing tools. 
Maybe it would just be better if I cheated?  I mean, then I get what I need and she doesn't get bothered.  Then that thought leads to divorce and da da da, I'm back here, sobbing into a keyboard. 
I used to be a badass.  What the hell happened?

 

LOL...sexy red sweatpants!

First I laugh..then I just feel horrible for you. I spent countless hours yesterday reading through a thread here about sex/lack of sex in these marriages...and it was depressing...and eye opening...and then a little more depressing. I really don't have the nerve to post in detail about this here..because I would be afraid he would read it and be mad/hurt...so I just read and related and left it at that. I will say that I related a LOT to the lady who said that if she acted kinky and slutty she could get sex, but longed for a happy medium where they both got what they wanted. He isn't a porn addict...I guess I should count my blessings.

I don't think I want to get inside of my husband's mind when it comes to what he TRULY feels about sex/our sex life. What role does ADD/ADHD play in these difficult to 'get on the same page' scenarios? My husband says "stop thinking about sex and talking about sex and just do it!" swearing that even if he isn't in the mood, he'll quickly 'get in the mood'. I doubt this because I, too, have seen/felt the 'excuse' making after a day of comments and innuendo and it sucks.

I spent a lot of years chasing him...and being rejected. I feel your pain. When I gave up, it took him a few months, but he apparently finally had the 'oh $h!t' moment and for many years after that he chased me like a dog in heat. Gosh, I miss those days. For me, honestly, it is just the connection I miss most.

I could never manage to lay there and let him 'take care of himself' and intentionally choose not to participate. No matter how you slice it, that is cold. She needs to get help...and she needs to take off the 'me me me' colored glasses...and hell would freeze over again before I would initate sex, if I were you. (sorry, that's the old me talking..the bitter one who has been there and done that)

Hole in the bucket's picture

Thank you.  And I understand

Thank you.  And I understand your hesitation.  Despite my constant wife bashing, I try to be open with my wife and told her about a site I found that lets partners rant a bit and vent about their ADD spouses in a place where others understand and can give some advice or support... or wittier comebacks.  She supported it then narrowed her eyes and asked what kind of stuff I said about her.  I just kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her. 
What? 
I said I -try- to be open with her. 

It isn't anything I haven't

It isn't anything I haven't told HIM..or that we haven't tried to hash out in counseling and countless conversations...what would bother him is that it is 'water under the bridge' for him, but something I am still dwelling on. (a bit of Ocd..emphasis on O..here)

Wanted to clarify (for anyone who might read this and have ADD and have an opinion or advice..LOL) I have a hearty sex-drive (early 40's) and have no problem getting down and dirty and spicing things up a bit...but I admit to having a complex about it and worry why it HAS to be that way to get his attention. It comes and goes with me..my ability to get into that mind set..because I worry in the back of my mind if I'll be able to keep up with his demands. I think I've figured out the pattern...I am 100% game for a while, the more I give the more he asks of me, and although I'm not uncomfortable with it, it just starts to turn me off and make me feel like he isn't focused on ME..but the lingere he wants me to wear or the dirty pictures he wants me to send..etc. Maybe it's all the same to someone with a penis (with ALL due respect :-) ), I don't know.

Sorry..not really the right thread..just got me thinking...

Hole in the bucket's picture

WHOA!  Don't apologize!  As a

WHOA!  Don't apologize!  As a sex starved man who is forced to... um... churn his own butter... over the corpselike frame of my flacid wife to have an intimate encounter with her, umm... we need WAY more posts like this.  Yep!  Please?  Maybe with visual aids? 

I know that I have a penis... and that I love all the props and trimmings like lingerie and dirty pictures.  I also know that as far as I am concerned, sex is a journey or adventure that two (or more heh heh) people take together.  All those extras are scenery.  "Look hon!  See that rock formation on the left?  Kind of looks like a moo cow trying to open a jar of pickles doesn't it?"  Isn't -really- that different from "Hey honey!  How do I look in my ballgag?"  It also keeps things interesting. 

My suggestion would be check the ratio... is he doing as much for you as you are for him?  It sounds like he is not... so I would check ratios.  For every three times you apply the trimmings, is there one time where he is content to just be with you without any craziness?  If the answer is yes... then I would take it to mean that he is focused you and the extra stuff is just the stuffing for the turkey. 

If not... umm... post more details.  Yeah.  That's good for spiritual growth. 

You know what?  You should do that anyway.  For the sake of puppies.  And Christmas.  Right?

Speaking of stuffing the turkey...

LOL..hillarious stuff...

Hrmm...the ratio...if we're comparing the last few times..that would mean that I would have to go back a few months. '_'  I am in my early 40's so the memory is a little iffy...

On a more serious note...he is very giving in and out of the bedroom. He is very complimentary...even outside of the bedroom. He doesn't just tell me I'm beautiful to get into my pants.  Yeah, I know..go ahead and slap me for whining about this issue...seems stupid even as I type...but in the day-to-day it really is an issue for me. Again, I worry that I can't keep up with his demands. What about when he gets bored with the pictures and the lingere? Where do we go from there? Do ADHDers really get bored that easily...like the one guy said about the porn...how it gives a variety that is vital to keeping his attention? There is only one me and only so many angles one can take pictures from or outfits to wear.....sigh. Maybe I am over thinking it...I wish I could just say 'screw it' (pun intended) and go with the flow. I enjoy the excitement..I enjoy the thrill..but my mind gets in the way and I start to feel overwhelmed. Another problem is that there have been days when I will send pictures, unprovoked (or even if he asks) and one would certainly expect to get 'rewarded' at the end of the day...and it doesn't happen. Then I start to tear down the situation, analyze the hell out of it and wonder 'was there something wrong with the picture? why wasn't it enough today when it was enough last week?' and thus the doubts of being able to keep up start to seep in. OR..I'll send a picture and he'll ask..read: BEG for a video...if I tell him I don't really like him asking, would rather do that when I'm in the mood..he'll swear that he'll never get anything if he doesn't ask. He'll act offended and then weeks will go by with nothing. Until I want to try and 'wake him up' again..and I'll send a picture...and hope it'll get me sex within the next 2 weeks or so. I'm exhausted just reading this. Maybe I just need to re-evaluate and find the silver lining.

See why we're a match made in hell? LOL

Hole in the bucket's picture

So... and please correct me

So... and please correct me if I am wrong, but you are afraid that if you do too much stuff now... you'll run out?  Don't worry honey, if you use up all the sexy, Justin will bring it back.  He'll probably make sure it stays interesting.  I could be wrong... so don't take my word as gospel, but if it doesn't bother you to do it... I say do it and to hell with all the analyzing.  Now, on the other side of that coin... you sound like an awesome catch... so when he starts griping, tell him I said to shut his mouth, cause he never had it so good.  I am also assuming that you have already tried talking to him about this. 

For the record, if I want naked pictures of my wife I gotta break out a rag and chloroform. 

Also: Video is WAY better than pictures.  *Nods sagely*

Rolling over here!

Thanks for that hillarious alternative view...that's the silver lining I was looking for! LMAO

You have Justin's number handy just in case?

Honestly, I don't know what the hell I think sometimes..by the time I'm done analyzing the situation, I have forgotten what the hell I started out analyzing. I'm wondering if his ADHD is rubbing off on me. It's quite comical that him, the ADHDer, is telling me "just stop thinking about it and do it!". So, yes, I have talked about all of this to him...and that is the reaction I get everytime..after we spend 30 minutes beating the dead horse. He does send mixed signals though...but I don't think he realizes it.

Hole in the bucket's picture

I say listen to him.  Trust

I say listen to him.  Trust that your love will not get boring and that when it does, you have the ADDer to help think of something new.  Tada.  Just sit... or lay back as the case may be... and enjoy.
And video tape it.
And put that tape in an envelope. 
And send it C/O Hole in the Bucket, PO bo-
I mean... heh heh... good luck!

waynebloss's picture

I do have a CD/DVD burner!

Copies, where are the copies?  No sex for almost 11.5 months, meanwhile she has lost 41lbs and 60 inches off her body and I cannot touch, look at or even compliment her....I like CD/DVD better than tape!   

Hole in the bucket's picture

Ha!  I win!  Mine is GAINING

Ha!  I win!  Mine is GAINING and I can't touch her.  Every day it gets easier not to lmao

waynebloss's picture

:Picture

With your sunglasses, you could tape a pic wiht head cut off and see if that helps?  I have other ideas but I think George or Melissa will ask me not to come back!!  My ADD is going now, thanks Hole!! 

Thanks for the laughs!

You guys crack me up. Ironically, I do feel a bit better about the situation having some male input...back to the drawing board!

..on a side note, I hope no one was offended by anything I posted..although I have just touched the surface of this issue, in all seriousness it really is an issue for us...and we all know that when things are 'off' in the sex department it can screw up everything else. We're working on it. We just need a meeting of the minds and cannot ever seem to get there...partially my fault. I'm always so worried about what his 'motives' are (does he want ME or is he just using me to get his 'fix'?) when I suppose the reality is that he should get more credit for his behavior outside of the bedroom..so much that he does proves that he loves me and desires my company and attention.

I need a beer! LOL

Do we need a special forum for this?

Like, an X-rated one, with a password?  Only half kidding.

I'm totally with you Sherri, I feel that if I'm all kinky-n-stuff (not that I mind that AT all) he's raring to go, but I also want him excited about the real me, the one who doesn't wear makeup, miniskirts, heels (ow, my back) etc.  I don't mind doing that some of the time (in fact: bring it on), but I (in my naiveté) want him just as excited about the me in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. I don't want to feel that if I want attention, affection and sex I have to be dolled up and ready for triple-X action.

I could go on, but it's bedtime in my part of the world, and I'm half wondering what will be (makeup free in pajama bottoms here).

[Sex] Scenes from a marriage (warning....)

When we met, I KNEW.  This was my specialty: shy, inexperienced, somewhat repressed Catholic boys.  I knew he would be the equivalent of the "sexy librarian".  First encounter: I was not disappointed.  That hyperfocus sh*t is off the chain! Reader, I married him!

First kid comes along.  Still, desire remains.  I liked games, playing dress up and surprises.  He comes home to newly installed hooks in the ceiling, supporting swings and mirrors.  I'd meet him at the door, anxious for his arrival.  One night, we played "hooker and john".  The baby stirred and fussed in the next room.  I interrupted the proceedings to rush to her side.  She burst into tears at the strange, tarty hooker trying to pick her up (Note to self: babies do not like nursing through nipple cut-outs).

Second kid- I need a little more juice, a more encouraging atmosphere.  We still haven't decorated or properly furnished our bedroom.  We argue about buying furniture.  No money problems, hubby just a skinflint.  ME: "I would feel sexier and would want to have sex more often if I didn't feel like I was screwing in a warehouse."  HIM: "It never bothered you before."  ME (nastily): "Yes, but that was before I met you."   HIM: (Stony silence).

Third kid- How did this happen?  I don't even remember.....    Hubby maintains his desire, but now all I desire is sleep.  I am worn out from picking up after him and managing family life primarily alone.  Oh, I still have desire, but now my fantasies prominently feature some unnamed/unknown hottie who responds to my personal ad for   Casual Encounter- ADD Preferred.

 

Hole in the bucket's picture

Not to someone with ADD.  And

Not to someone with ADD.  And not to a guy.  Can I get an Amen from the male audience? 

Post Script:  Revelation, I retract my earlier offer :p

Hole in the bucket's picture

Besides... I am going with

Besides... I am going with her definition of trimmings: Lingerie, a video or a crazy new position, (three x trimmings) then one vanilla. 
If that's too much... Well... I can't think of anything nice to say so I won't say anything lol. 

Post script: My idea of kinky is barbed wire and jumper cables.

Hole in the bucket's picture

Jumper cables.  Crash cart. 

Jumper cables.  Crash cart.  What's the difference? 

Besides... if you can tell the difference between my wife during sex and a corpse, you're a better doctor than I am.  But even so... that just further proves my point.  I'm kinky.  Like, crazy kinky.  But I am willing to give all that up to please my wife... if she'd just meet me half way.  But yanking on my stuff while she watches tv just isn't meeting half way.  I'd kill for even VANILLA sex at this point.  Instead I'm getting sugar free low fat ice cream made from vanilla extract and skim milk. 

hole in the bucket- re: "willing to give all that up...

...to please [my] wife..." That is a lovely sentiment.  I am curious to ask you and get the male point of view: Was your wife into "crazy kinky" when you met her, then changed?  Or were you all vanilla during courtship, then morphed into de Sade after the marriage? (LOL).  I ask because my husband and I switched roles on this after marriage.

Hole in the bucket's picture

She was pretty vanilla... but

She was pretty vanilla... but always said she was kinky.  A little while after we got together, she got pretty kinky.  We hit a happy place in our relationship and I proposed.  Then it went flat vanilla. 

We meet and become friends with benefits:
"Well I don't feel comfortable doing that because, how do I know you aren't just doing the same thing with some other girl too?"
We become exclusive:
"I'd be kinkier and more sexual, but it just doesn't feel right.  That's supposed to be stuff for that special someone."
I propose:
"Well, when we're married, I'm going to be all those things you want me to be!" 
We get married:
"Well after the baby is born, I'll make sure you're satisfied." 
The baby is born:
"I want to be a stay at home mother.  That way I can focus on pleasing you." 
I support all three of us:
"This is too stressful.  Maybe if I go back to work and you stay home, I can  do those things for you." 
I stay at home and she goes to work.
"I'm too stressed out from work."
One of the random and exceedingly rare sexual encounters leads to second pregnancy:
"After the baby is born and you go back to work... because I am going to be a stay at home mother of two babies and go to college.  That way I'm not so stressed and I can give you the attention you deserve."

It's always lots of promises and then just as many excuses.  And it's always my fault.  

I'm not romantic enough. 
I cut out hundreds of paper hearts and write on each one some memory from our relationship, then I tack them around the house, scatter them across the floor and so forth... then I hook up the black light so that when she walks in, there are hundreds of glowing hearts all over, each with a special memory attached, and I have already drawn her a bath full of that aroma bath shit she likes, which is all bubbly, candles surrounding the bathtub and alighting the bathroom in a flickering warmth.  It isn't until the bubbles go down a bit that she realizes that there are rose petals scattered around in the water with her. 

This was BEFORE she said I wasn't romantic enough, by the way. 

SO I did it again, but added a well cooked dinner, (my infamous ham, cut and diced in honey glaze, salad made just the way she likes it, scalloped potatoes and her favorite rolls.  With a glass of her favorite wine, another glass of a wine she has never tasted, diced cheese of various types and a glass of pepsi with cherry cheesecake for desert)... BUT she didn't know I had made her dinner until I brought it in on a tray so she could eat while relaxing in the warm bath all with Enya playing in the background. 

Think I got anything that night?  Think I got anything the next night?  It was almost two weeks of me cooking her dinner, buying her favorite foods, getting her a hundred dollar necklace, taking her out to a movie that I hated but knew she wanted to see, cleaning the house (including cleaning out the fridge and around the toilet) lighting her favorite scented candles, getting all groomed and spiffed up, wearing the cologne I know she likes, sending her spontaneous poetry as well as classical ones from literature as well as some quotes from our favorite movies and books, before I finally talked her into doing anything... and then it was missionary only, she could only go once because she was "sore down there" (I attribute it to lack of fricking use!) and after ten minutes of trying to focus on her and taking HER to a few of HER happy places if you catch my drift, I was bored out of my mind.  There was no passion at all.   

Then she says she forgot. 
I remind her and she says I'm being pushy. 
I don't say anything for a while.
She says she forgot. 

 

Not romantic enough?  Jeez --

Not romantic enough?  Jeez -- if I only had 1/10 the attention you gave/give her. . .  You went above and beyond.  I hope someday she realizes just how wonderful you are.  So sorry it's didn't work/is not working. 

Mr. Bucket- re: romantic dinner

WHAT! Glowing paper hearts ?!?  Just reading about it was the most romantic thing I've  done in a long time!  Wait, let me run get a glass of wine and change into something more comfortable (maybe put on some soft music); I'm gonna settle in and read this sh*t  again....   Uh, I mean.... that sounds nice.

I wouldn't NEED the vanilla

I wouldn't NEED the vanilla if I just trusted his motives...so 'trimmings' all the time is OK with me...but not going to beat this dead horse again... LOL

Barbed wire...wow...ouch!

Hole in the bucket's picture

"Barbed

"Barbed wire...wow...ouch!"

Not if done right.  If done right there isn't even a scratch and no one gets hurt.  *nods*

Hole in the bucket- re: one

Where are the other men on this forum?  We may need to go trawling through the other forum posts and retrieve them...

Hole in the bucket's picture

Look lady, how many Amens

Look lady, how many Amens does it take to get to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop and prove that guys like the trimmings more than vanilla... or should I say, vanilla with sprinkles? 

Hole in the bucket's picture

I would say that's over fifty

I would say that's over fifty percent of the active male posters... so yer numerical value system may be a wee bit undeveloped.  :D

Amens

Forget the vanilla with sprinkles, mine says vanilla is for wusses, he wants spankles S***w the Roses, give me the Thorns. So yeah I hear ya.

Hole in the bucket's picture

Spankles?  Oh awesome!  I can

Spankles?  Oh awesome!  I can put those on my COUNT CHOCULA cereal in the mornings. 
And Revelation, that's two guys that agree and... oh wait... you don't have any guys that agree with you do ya?  :(  Awsusad.  Do you need to be comforted?  lol Just kidding.  I still stand by my 3 to 1 ratio.  It is also quite possible that we have different opinions of vanilla. 
 

Spankles

Any stats on if D/s is disproportionately high in ADHD just curious. We came to understand if there was going to be any intimacy in our marriage this was the route. Trust is paramount as is total understanding of the lifestyle. Wondering if there are others on the forum who resolved their sex issues with this lifestyle.

Hole in the bucket's picture

D/s?  Dominance and

D/s?  Dominance and Submission?  I know I'd support it. 

re: D/s

Welllll. It was Hit or miss(pun intended) until we discovered quite by accident that he THRIVED with D/s. Partly the intense stimulation,( Don't confuse this with S/M which might be part of it to a degree.)Partly because if I was in  D mode, he obeyed just like that. no questions. I did not abuse that privilege, keeping in mind his health, if he was tired etc. So perhaps exploring where each person is in the relationship. I'm naturally dominant(versus domineering) and he is naturally submissive. it may help couples struggling with sex. This is one area we resolved quite easily.

Mr. Bucket- re: D/s

"I know I'd support it."  You are in such a state of deprivation, you may well find yourself supporting anything ("chocolate-dipped chicken?  Yeah, I'd support it")

Hole in the bucket's picture

I disagree.  I have a valid

I disagree.  I have a valid opini-Oh that sounds great!  I'll take two!

Post Script: Dude, right now I would F%ck a rattlesnake if someone would hold it's head. 

Topaz- re: spankles

After reading so many of your introspective posts, this post here is like watching my parents have sex.  D*mn, Topaz- you just went ALL THE WAY LIVE!  LOL!!!

Revelation re: spankles

*Blushing* sorry didn't mean to quite put it out there like that. LOL it just seemed to seque naturally. It is  a positive in our marriage so I thought I'd go ahead and pull back the curtain. TaDa,

My friends and two of my adult children know we are a D/s couple. It worked quite well for years when it was 24/7, I took it seriously and we both studied it for some time before we dived in. but the fibro made it difficult. We are slowly going back to it, but not until trust is secure. I understand I literally hold his life in my hands and anger can make it dangerous.

Topaz- re: TADA!

Your kids know?!?!  LOL!  How'd that come up???  Anger can make it dangerous?  Now I am intrigued.   And quite sure that I am the "D" in the D/s combo.  I must start practicing this immediately.... *looks for rope*

re:Tada

I'll get back to you. Lots to do today. Yea people knew. Quite hard to miss at times. Picture me and spouse walking into bank with adult daughter. This one had asked me for advice in her marriage re her hubby wanted the "sprinkles" , so I opened mine bag of tricks( beautiful trunk) and showed her the clothes, the toys and other stuff and explained it all.  My kids and I are very close and open. She didn't blink an eye. She said I figured as much. LOL.

Him walking quietly behind me, head bowed. Me in leather head to toe and the boots OH the boots. LOL We lived it 24/ 7.  Another daughter is a sub in a D/s relationship. Quite a family we have. It is a very misunderstood liifestyle and as many variations as there are couples. So I'll be back to explain how we made it work with his ADHD and our marriage.

revelation..back

quote" see that you do." unquote. Said like a true Dom. LOL Joking aside. There is a lot of back story but for the sake of brevity, I'll summarize it. 

It went like this. Me older experienced woman. Him not so much. He was a willing pupil at first when I could get a spark going. Oh I can't begin to tell you how often we fought over the lack of sex. I got tired of begging, pleading, wooing, and whatever I could pull out of my bag of tricks to get into the bedroom, heck on the stairs for all I cared at that point. I did not get it at all.

A little backdrop here. I used to moderate a forum. I did it for ten years. I had often been told how intelligent I was. The people finally asked if I could post a pic, to see the face behind the voice. So I did. The response? OMG you're  so beautiful. and look sooo young. uh hello, like being intelligent precluded that? My point being, I know I'm attractive...even at 51, I have the figure of a 19 year old model. I'm not a classic beauty, most people describe me as regal, classy,sexy, guys just say I'm "hot! LOL. My point being is I did not feel attractive around him at all, nor desirable. It made me wonder if he was cheating or worse.

Affection? What's that? It was confusing because he often acted jealous because guys would look, try to flirt or whatever. He would Tell me I was beautiful, give me gifts all the time and do lovely romantic things, but sex. uh no. He would go on and on about how wonderful sex was, when I did manage to find him amicable.

After a particularly rough time in our marriage, I found out when I had slapped him that one time, he had an unexpected response to it. We talked at length. We spent weeks talking about his past experiences, his feelings about sex in general etc. So I researched D/s since it already appeared he liked to hand over all control to me.

He also researched, we shared notes, we studied anatomy,took CPR,went to an adult store and the hardware store. I still chuckle thinking about those trips, weighing the merits of nylon rope versus others, asking for heavy duty anchors. "For what purpose" the associate would ask? um hanging something heavy on it was my bland reply. It was all hubby could do not to bust out laughing.

Finally we went over a list of things each of us wanted to try, and what each of us did not. They were done on a scale of 1-10. We made a contract, decided on safe words.(These  things can be found on D/s sites.) It is pretty involved, but through it all he was intensely committed and involved. He put together "scene" music. I learned how to use things like the cat o nine. First on myself. You have to know what all those things feel like before you even think about using it another person.

I studied the psychology of it, read how other couples lived it.

Bottom line was this. It was a relief for him to spill his guts to me about his past, his desires, his inexperience. I did not judge him, or ridicule him. I wasn't offended or disgusted. I honored him and drew him out, helping him explore his desires. He trusted me and I accepted him. He said to be accepted, and I didn't think he was weird, perverted etc, and free to experience those hidden desires, He was mine for life. I "owned" him.

We wrote the most amazing poetry together. We evolved into a 24 -7 couple,  He enjoyed the freedom of not having to make any decisions, what to wear, what to eat, sex, I spelled it all out. He had consequences which usually meant complete withdrawal on my part. He hated that.

He had a special name . When he disobeyed any commands given him in our daily life I would call him by that name and he would instantly be remorseful and obey. As my fibro worsened and circumstances happened, I could not continue the 24-7 lifestyle. He misses it and wants to stabilize things so that we can resume.

That's it in a nutshell. I can clarify things if you'd like.

Related to this: we went to a sex therapist, who told us about how senses can be a factor. Some of us are more auditory, others tactile, others visual. He gave each of us a test. I scored high on smell and tactile. He scored high on auditory, tactile, and low on the visual. (Not surprised) In another post I mentioned how he loved me to read or talk to him(this is one of the reasons why.)
 

Since you see a common thread

Since you see a common thread with ADDers not wanting to be controlled, this seems in stark contrast to that. Maybe the sexual needs (has to be 'wild' to be stimulating) are stronger than other needs (to have control of finances)? This is just confusing to me. Not something I would be interested in...but just curious how this seems to be in direct contrast to most ADD situations where the men are accusing us of acting like their 'mother' for things far less serious. This WOULD be controlling (obviously) and 'motherlike',  no? Just saying I'm really surprised your ADD guy was OK with it. Does he not have the 'don't control me!' issues?

I wonder too

I kind of wonder the same thing Sherri, and with us it is the opposite.  At least in the bedroom, he is in control and I'll do anything he wants.  In (my) theory, then he's easier to control in day to day life (I say control tongue-in-cheek here, meaning that at least he doesn't do or not do things just to be contrary).  He loves that by the way, that I'll just sit and stand as he pleases (as long as he's being fairly reasonable).  For us it's really not a *game*, there are no safewords or scenes or anything like that.  If I don't want something I just say it, but for some reason (insert unresolved issues here) I really want to please him so I hardly ever say no or stop.  I have wondered if this aspect at least keeps the relationship interesting for him (the sex part, at any rate).

waynebloss's picture

I was like that

Our 2 biggest issues were 1 - I could not last as long as her and her "reaching point" was MUCH higher than mine and 2 - She wanted me to initiate sex more often but my drive was a TAD bit more higher than hers so I was refused 8 out of 10 times in a week so I started to stop trying to start it.  I told her that after being turned down 80% of the time, that I would convince myself that she will say no anyway so why try?  This was bad of me and I did not know why this happen before I knew I have ADD.  Now I am trying to find a sex therapist to see why I do not last as long as I think I should and what could be done about it.  I need to try and fix every aspect that I think she found wrong with me and attempt to change them.....I so bad want her to be with me...I guess a man has to do what a man has to do to keep the woman he loves! 

It is interesting to hear that you non-ADDers  were the ones in charge. 

 

Wayne

re: common thread

Some clarification here. It's not a *game*  or role play in the strictest sense of the words. There is a lot of vulnerability and psychology involved. It stimulates him mentally and physically. I may make him wait, ears plugged, blindfolded. It heightens his senses and the anticipation, not knowing when I will approach or what I will do , it keeps him focused somehow. Rarely is it "wild" Scenes are controlled, slow and thought out.

In D/s the submissive partner is in "control". They set the limits, they determine what can and can't be done to or for them. They can stop the interaction at ANY time. As I said, there are a variety of D/s relationships. Some people confuse Master/slave relationships with Dominant/ submissive. There can be a a crossing over, but not necessarily.

So in this respect he knows he is in control.Our relationship in that context( D/s) is based entirely on trust. I know how much he cares for me and I for him. He also knows that I would not hurt , abuse or victimize him or in any way injure him.

I know how much power I have, and do not use it in a negative or hurtful way. He understands his rights, strength, power and control - but chooses to hand these over to me..

The term 'submissive' simply means that the person in question receives sexual and/or emotional gratification from *voluntarily* surrendering their control to another for a period of time. What is done between the submissive and the Dominant during that period of surrender is as widely different as any two people having a sexual encounter can be .

 As a submissive   he  enjoys *voluntarily* ceding control to a Dominant(me) for a certain specified period of time...and  can enjoy a wide variety of experiences that emphasizes that lack of control such as bondage/restraint, sexual submission, pain play similar to that enjoyed by a masochist, control over aspects of his life such as what kind of food to eat or clothing to wear, verbal restrictions, body language restrictions, sensory deprivation and so on.

Submissives are submissive for only a set period of time and each time, negotiations or arrangements are made, which neatly distinguishes a 'pure' submissive from a slave.

For my husband, he usually feels out of control in life, people " try to dominate him and try to "control" him against his wishes. In this arena he sets the stage, determines what control and how much there will be. He knows my pleasure depends on him. Gives him a sense of power that he doesn't have in life in general. In our scenes he learned how to control his responses. Learned how to make himself last. Please don't make me go into detail there. LOL) It really helped his performance anxiety issues.

I hope that helps?

Topaz- re: your back story

This post alone will drive this portion of the forum up to 4000 reads.  So, I have a stupid question:  Why can't you just put your heels on, point and say, "...the laundry?"  Or would that be considered an abuse of power?  Or not "sexual" enough?  Could that work?  I hope you don't interpret this question badly; it is a serious question.

re: back story

Valid question. You are right, it is sort of abuse of power. I can and he will do it,, but that tends to lead to him giving me the *wink wink* and it would defeat the purpose. I'd not get anything done. Things have gotten chaotic in our life and once stable we may revert to the 24- 7 lifestyle where that is more practical.

It is sort of difficult for me to even be in the role when I am angry because of the chaos, financial issues. Even though he is in control in every sense of the word. I am after all wielding perhaps a rod or cat or he is tied up 9 ways to tomorrow.  I have to be totally in control of my emotions for it to be safe for us and for him to obey my commands. He has to know they are given for mutual benefit.

In spite of our currant issues and situation, he asks me from time to time to "command" him. He feels more in control when I do. At any time I can simply say "Bed Now!" and he will hop to it. I just find it hard to work up the desire when I'm so tired and stressed.

I hope I'm explaining it okay?

move these

I'm wondering if there is a way to move this topic to another location. maybe  it might be more appropriate to continue elsewhere this thread is primarily for the ADHD wife and marriage?

Topaz- re: move these

I suppose you could, but this location seems to be to be the equivalent of an abandoned building right now.  Let's squat. LOL

hmm, D/s is the oppisite for us

His variety craving ADD mind seems to love finding ways to play with me (I'll leave out the details) and I eat it up (metaphorically and literally ... oops, details ...).  Even though I'm a total control freak in real life I don't have sexual dominance in me (we tried that too, but it was more amusing than exciting for both of us).  I do need to feel really close to him to submit though, so if we're fighting or sulking it's pretty vanilla.  Which is fine too. For a while. 

I have thought a lot about

I have thought a lot about this...and am relating to some of this. I think my husband REALLY likes it when I "take charge" but I never thought of it in the aspect that it 'stimulates' his brain..well, among other things. (sorry..devil made me do it)

I will ponder on this for a while..and maybe try something new. I dipped my toe in this pie a little this weekend and it worked beautifully.

waynebloss's picture

Thought I asked for the conversation to be over? >:P

Really..come on....y'all who are still getting some of any kind are making this one who is NOT getting ANYTHING very jealous and sad!!   So if the talking continues I need pictures/videos or something to ensure that I am not dead and that I can still have blood flow adequate to sustain the "raising of the flag!"

Consult with Deven

Pretty sure he mentioned a name of a woman online who is apparently receptive of his advances..maybe he'll share.

waynebloss's picture

I am here

I am here....not leaving for awhile!

waynebloss's picture

Thank Topaz for the fog!!

Just finished reading Topaz's entry's....that is enough for me...I will be "away" for a bit...now to find the Kleenex! 

waynebloss's picture

Sex...what is that?

Please stop talking about sex....I have not had sex of any kind with my wife since Jan 2, 2010 (not including rosie), and I am jealous!  Seriously, even Carol Seaver was looking good last night! 

Sex

 Adhd must effect woman different than men. My adhd man will have sex up to 5 times a day if he is not at work....wants it twice a day when he does work 12 hr shifts. Not complaining just wished we connected as well same out of the bedroom.

re: your adhd man-

My husband is the same.  I don't even try to keep up.  

Differing sex drives

This is the main point of contention in our new relationship right now, but I'm the one who wants sex and he's the one who doesn't (as much).  He complains of feeling too preoccupied and stressed to relax and have fun with sex.  For me, sex is a huge stress reliever, so I want it more when I'm anxious. 

sex drives

I sometimes think that he loves sex , because he gets alot of his self esteem from it. It's sad , but that is where he makes the less mistakes. Unfortunately my sex drive is what my ex and him describe me as a n....,.but it is sometimes hard to want sex from a man that treats me like s... and acts like a 10 yr old.

blesseddelaine- re: n.....

Boy, you got lucky in that you two really match up in that regard.  My husband has good appetite, but I'm usually all, "Can you let me finish reading this History of Western Civilization first?"  It is hard for me to feel responsive to him, because he is so not-there out of bed.  I need more EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL stimulation from him.  Plus, he is good at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  I might be feeling all revved up about him during the day, then he'll say something irritating, and *SNAP* (that's the sound of my legs snapping shut like a cheap change purse).

I need more also but

He is aloft to anything outside of the bed ( read my early post today), but that is the only area we do connect 90% of the time .If I have to recall good times until  our loving gets started then i do. I do feel bad alot of the time afterwards, hints why I'm moving out.

SNAP!

Yeah, unfortunately that's me too.  I have had relationships (plural) where men complained of my too high sex drive, not being able to satisfy me, etc.  Boy, this one can.  But when I feel ignored, neglected, unloved and so on, it's hard to be a vixen at 11 pm.  I've told him that he needs to put in some effort during the day (and no, not weeks of meals, baths, glow-in-the-dark hearts or anything, just a few hugs, "you're-so-sexy"s, slaps on the derriere and so on) so that I feel sexually connected to him at night.  So I've gone from matching his 2-3 times a day appetite to more like 2-3 times a week (which often happens on the same day or two).  Fibromyalgia isn't helping either - sex (especially the barbed wire kind) is a b**ch when you're in pain all over.

On a somewhat related topic - are there many ADD men (even in their late 30s or older) that can just go go go, again and again and again like energizer bunnies?  While it can be thrilling, ultimately it's pretty exhausting (like that desperate housewives episode with the kid from the old 90210).

Tasla- re: energizer bunnies

When I met my husband, he was 35 and could go on all night.  I was actually relieved when he hit his late 40's and slowed down.  He actually once mentioned that maybe he should try Viagra (because regrettably, he can now only go 2 x night).  I was all, "If you get Viagra, I'm gonna need some Ativan".

Viagra

Hah! I can top that.  He said a couple of years ago "I want to try Viagra".  I'm like WTF???  What on earth would you try that for?!?!  I talked him out of it and still don't really understand - he soooooo does not need it.

Sometimes I feel like I fail to satisfy him, since he can just go again and again (of course, I guess this is preferable to him not seeming excited about me - which is how I would feel if he were rarely interested in doing ...stuff).

Tasla- re his interest

Agree.  I don't know how I would take it if there was no interest at all.  My thing is I can go 6 or more months without it, maybe even a year.  I enjoy it when I do, but  I have to admit, it sometimes takes a lot to get me to overcome my inertia (due to exhaustion).  I do nearly all the household chores, and while I don't crab about it (out loud, to him) much, I have told him that if he would do the dishes and "save" me some of that energy, I would be more up for activities later that night.  He can't seem to make connect those dots, even though I have drawn a dark, bold line between (a)  the dirty dishes and  (b) my nether regions.   

waynebloss's picture

Hmmmm

WHAT, a man is too preoccupied and stressed to have sex??  Really that happens? 

What I would give just to feel a touch, feel a kiss or even to be hugged by the person I promised to be with til death do us part 12 almost 13 years ago!  It has been 11 months, 1 day, 6 hours, 34 minutes  since the last time any of it happened!  Oh well, one day it will happen, just need to be patient!  Hard to do when you have ADD!

waynebloss's picture

I do not know about the women

I do not know if ADD increases the sex drive or if men just want it more......but I would have it more if I could...wait having it once this year would be 10x more than I have had it this year!! 

Not in my marriage....even

Not in my marriage....even when we first started dating, he didn't seem to care about sex much at all. It was a huge blow to my ego. I used to tell him "go complain to your friends that your wife wants sex too much...I bet they'll all hate you!" LOL

I stopped chasing him about 5 years into the marriage and then the tables turned dramatically....until we reconciled. It was GREAT initially...exciting and passionate. Then he quit drinking. I even asked in counseling one day.."was it that you needed to booze it up to enjoy sex with me?" Actually, truth is probably more along the lines of we have a wall between us called HIS GUILT and the booze helped him deal with that. Take that away and BLAM! all of those raw feelings are now no longer numb and there we were. As time goes on, things are improving...we just can't seem to get on the same page. I just know that there have only been a few short periods of time in our marriage where we've been at the same place..on the same page..when it comes to sex. When our problems started, about 6 years ago, I lost all interest in sex...and I think that is the only reason he wanted it so badly..because I didn't.

It may be man vs. woman...but for us I think it is more ADHD related than anything.

Wayne...ugh...what can I say...your wife is made of stone. Considered asking her if she has any clue when she might be ready to plug back in and try again?

waynebloss's picture

If I do that I get anger

I cannot ask about that right now, she will become angry or just walk away and take 2-3 more steps back into her wall.  Just want some peace between us right now..I will rock the boat in Jan.

You'll know when it is

You'll know when it is time...

I hate to assume to know anything about your marriage..other than what you've shared. What works for some would not work for others. I hated being separated...hell, I hated when he slept in the den just to piss me off most of the time...but I am from the old school way of thinking that if you don't give/get the attention we all need as humans, someone else will. I made him come home the night I found out about his affair...and forbid him to step foot in the apartment he had (hers was right across the hall) ever again without me because I wasn't leaving him 'open' to anyone else until I decided what I wanted to do..even though the affair had been over for almost a month at that point. Hang in there...make it through the holidays and when the emotions of all of that is behind you, you can figure things out a bit better. I agree with your counselor..you need to start thinking about how long you're willing to wait..but don't let your ADD rush you. You're far stronger than I am.

How does she do it?

Wayne I'm sorry, but how does she have a husband and not want sex...is she breathing. "bad joke" I'm truly sorry !

waynebloss's picture

NO sorry needed

I do not know, wish I knew, but for right now there is no sex, no hugging, no "I Love You", not even a small gesture as touching my face or bald head. The only sign I see that she is still my wife is that she still wears her wedding ring and she has not filled in my dresser drawers from when I moved downstairs.  That is the only thing I get to see, hear or feel that the pilot light is still lit.  I do not know what is going through her mind about us or me, if I ask she changes the subject or refuses to answer.  So I just ignore and go on, if I hyper-focus on it then I drive myself crazy.  I am concerned that I am noticing other women more and I do not want to, I will not cheat but I do miss the mental and physical aspect of our relationship.  Right now we are just liveable roommates, her words not mine.  

The husband of an ADD wife

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I will have lived with my wife for 30 years next month.  She has ADD and it has been very difficult for me and yes, I know for her.  But I want to talk about me for once.  I have felt like a parent to her more than a spouse.  I feel I have carried at least 80% of all responsibility for everything:  household chores, bill paying, planning, organizing, yard work, cleaning, taking out the garbage, cooking, gift-buying, putting up Christmas decorations, washing and cleaning the car, sending out thank you cards, buying birthday cards, grocery shopping, the list is absolutely endless.  It has never been 50/50 in our relationship.  And we have two beautiful children.  She has been a great mother, I do have to say that.  But that's where it ends according to my experience.  I felt I’ve totally sacrificed my life for her and with very little in return.  She hasn't a clue of what kind of gift to buy for me.  I am totally tired of our relationship.  And sex.  Don't even go there!!  What is most frustrating is she's never been upfront about her ADD with me.  I know she had it.  She has "told me" she's got ADD but she has NEVER helped me to try and understand it and has NEVER asked me what it's like to live with her.  She goes to weekly ADD meetings but she’s never told me much about them afterwards when I’ve asked and I’ve asked repeatedly.  I don’t anymore.  I know she may be fearful if I were to be truthful about what it has been like to live with her but she has been tight lipped about her ADD with me.  I've given up on keeping the house clean and organized.  I can't tell you that last time we've had friends over for dinner.  Why?  Because it all falls on me and I am tired of it.  I would LOVE to cook and have friends over for a fun evening.  Financially, our life sucks.  Sexually our life sucks.  We rarely converse.  We've had so many of the same conversations over the years with the same unproductive “results” that I don't listen anymore.  I am polite, but that's it.  I have not been a saint either, mind you.  I have some sexual challenges too.  But I have tried to be patient, respectful and understanding towards her but I have not felt she's ever understood me as someone who's living with an ADD spouse.  God, it's awful.  I don't think we can overcome this.  I don't think it's possible.  There is no real treatment for ADD.  You can say there is but there isn't.  I don't think you can control ADD.  It would take Herculean effort to make improvements and I don’t think we’re capable for doing that.  It's an awful disease for the person who has it.  It's equally foreboding and overwhelming for the non-ADD spouse.  There’s no marriage.  There’s no relationship.

We are just “stuck together”.  It sucks to be stuck!  Can anybody relate?

Yes, I can totally relate as

Yes, I can totally relate as well.  I am on the perverbial "roller-coaster" that an ADHD marriage provides.  I'm learning it is our choice to "stay ON the ride or get off"!  Much easier said than done - to get off the roller-coaster, that is.  I've recently changed being overwhelmed or inundated with HIS ADHD to learning all I can from the books and forums, chats and blogs.  Now, my mind is all over the place trying to put things into place and make some personal changes.  My husband is coming around....he just told his son yesterday that "she (being me) thinks that I have some strong traits of ADHD and possible you might too"!  Well, that  is a step ahead of last week when he said he MIGHT have some signs of ADHD and the month prior when he said he didn't think he fit the profile!  Baby steps!!!  I know it's difficult to think positive....even when we "used to BE that person"!  If I see hope for an hour, it's dampened in the next hour when he does or says something so totally crazy that I think....WHY???? Why try to try?   I'm only beginning this journey.  I am determined it IS MY journey.... with or without him.  I am so tired of being a nag, ugly in my talking to him and OF/ABOUT him.  I want to be a happywife!  I will be.....With or without him.  I truly believe all that I have read here today and on other blogs that changing the ADHD person does not happen.  Heck, you cannot change a person with another disorder without meds, why would we even think we could do it with this one?  I am so appreciative of my fellow non-ADHDers out here.  It is so helpful to know that I am not crazy!  I remember 5.5 years ago (we've been married for 7 years) I was calling around the city to find someone...ANYONE (professionally) who dealt with ADD/OCD ....I was crying because I felt so alone and scared.  I had moved from my family and friends to be with him in a city where I knew NO ONE!  I hated it, was hating him, was angry, depressed, sad and alone.  I'm surprised the person on the other end of the phone didn't call 911!  (I would have!)  I just went further down the rabbit hole.  Now, I have moved beyond the sadness and aloneness.  I'm really tired of being angry.  It's so unhealthy!  For the mind, the body and the psyche!  I look forward to more interactions.  Thanks to those of you who find the time and courage to post.  I'm learning.

ADD wife problems

I've been with my wife with ADD for almost 4 years, married for almost 1. We have a 2 year old daughter together. There has always been the same basic set of problems. In a nutshell, I have to do all the housework. All the laundry, cooking, shopping, finances, dishes, cleaning, most of the childcare...and all while she spends hours researching cake decorating, doing yoga poses, painting, or being totally immersed in some other project. If I am lucky enough that she decides to cook the family dinner, it just ends up being a nightmare mess for me to clean up. If she does start a load of laundry, it mildews in the washer. If it makes it into the dryer, it rarely makes it out. If it does make it out, it stays on the floor. Trying to talk to my wife about money might as well be like trying to discuss astrophysics with my toddler. It's not that she isn't smart, she just doesn't want to think about it...until it comes time for me to ask her to write a check. When that time comes around, of course there are so many things wrong with the way I manage the money. I try and tell her all along that I'm doing the best I can with the money and that I would love it if she would help make decisions about where money goes and how we spend it, but she refuses to think about that at the right time. Meanwhile amzaon and ebay show up at our door nearly EVERYDAY, $100 bottles of shampoo/conditioner sit in our shower, and she can spend half a month's grocery budget on supplies to make one cake. Where does that leave my daughter and I for our needs to eat well and be healthy. She leaves more trash within an arm's reach of a trashcan that I would ever care to count, and as far as taking a trash bag outside, or wheeling the can to the curb...forget it. She sometimes leaves things around that can make it very hard to parent. Candy, cookie dough...it is very hard to get a child to eat a well rounded meal once she has spotted skittles and hershey's bars. She even leaves things around that are potentially very dangerous...knives and medications. She doesn't sit on the couch and play with switch blades while taking handfuls of percocet or anything, just maybe cutting an apple and leaves a paring knife on the table. Later my daughter hands it to me, luckily by handle.

-I realize this is an extremely whiny, complaining, and probably not constructive paragraph....but this is the most I've ever said about it to anyone! I can't keep this stuff inside, that's not healthy. More importantly, all of these things are terribly and ridiculously frustrating but they are just the beginning...

-She has abused her adderall ever since I have known her, sometimes taking an entire month's supply in less than a week. Where does that leave her for the rest of the month? In bed or on the couch. Where does that leave her during that week? Everywhere! We finally came to an agreement to keep the pills in a combination safe that also has a key. She found the key and took everything inside (maybe my fault for leaving the key only in my desk drawer). She found out the combination and has taken everything inside (also maybe my fault for choosing such an obvious number as our daughter's birthday. Maybe I thought it would deter her from abusing the meds if she had to think about our daughter while taking them...didn't work). Aside from the abuse, my controlling the medication puts such a strain of both of us. I already felt like a parent in every other respect and now I have to have this responsibility too? She often is very manipulative in trying to get me to give her more. There's always a reason she needs 'just one more'. She'll try and use sex to manipulate me into giving her more pills (which has regrettably worked several times, and for that I am sorry and I feel weak for it). When she drinks, it is rarely just one or two. She usually drinks very fast and has trouble stopping. She often turns into a rude and very intense person to be around when she drinks, and often says hurtful things. All of these things adding up have probably caused me to resent her and push her away, I'm sure my reactions are never what they should be. I'm not perfect either and I have lots of my own problems. 

And now the icing on the cake. She was interested in some guy who she was 'just friends' with. I don't think she necessarily wanted to cheat, but I do think she wanted to know that she could very easily if she wanted to. She went out with him several times behind my back, and I found reallly flirty messages between them that I felt were pretty inappropriate. I confronted her about them, and she apologized and admitted that they were inappropriate. She said she was attracted to him and she felt bad and said she wouldn't see him anymore. Then I left town for the week with my daughter. When I came back, she found her way into the safe again - and took almost everything, and I find out she went out with him again. How did I find out? I was snooping through her computer. That was inappropriate and wrong, because I believe that a relationship must be based on trust. But she has lied throughout our entire relationship and I frankly don't know if I can trust her anymore. While I was gone she went out with him, went back to his house by themselves and kissed him. She tells me that he then proceeded to force himself on her. I'm so confused. I am beyond angry and furious, and feel nothing but rage for this person who violated my wife. I don't think I ever use the word hate, but I think I hate this person. I want to support my wife because no woman should ever have to go through this. She keeps saying how it's her own fault, and it' s just not. Did she put herself in a bad situation? yes, but THERE IS NEVER ANY REASON, EXCUSE, JUSTIFICATION TO DO THAT TO A WOMAN, EVEN IF SHE APPEARS WILLING AT FIRST...NO MEANS NO. But where does this leave us? Should all be forgiven because this happened? She still went out with this person that she had confessed attraction too, had inappropriate conversations with, and promised not to see again, and then went home with him and kissed him. What were her true intentions? What does that tell me about her respect for our marriage?

AM I ALONE? DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING? SHOULD I STAY MARRIED TO THIS PERSON? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING!? I THINK I JUST NEED HELP. I THINK SHE NEEDS HELP. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP.....

Hole in the bucket's picture

Dump her would be my

Dump her would be my suggestion.  Some people can't be saved.  I apologize to your daughter in advance... but ya know what?  Divorce happens. 

Hi, Hole, where've you been?

The problem with that is she'd probably get the child. Parenting a 2 year old is hard, try to cut her some slack about the housework. Parenting classes to teach her how to set boundaries for the child?

Anyway, Hole in the Bucket, it's nice to hear from you again. How have you been?

I think that's unfair

She is prescribed this med, right, even if she is taking too much?

Good grief, my poor husband was charged with DWI for taking ADHD meds and it's taken a year and a half, so far, of him going to court to get near a resolution of the problem (and he lost a whole week of vacation days going to court). You shouldn't take a woman's child away because she takes ADHD meds. If we criminalize and demonize people for taking meds, they'll try to muddle through without them and that's worse.

If you've read much of what I've written, you'd know I'm no apologist for ADHDers, but you just can't criticize them for taking meds. The meds made my husband go back to work, after 2 1/2 years of sitting around expecting me to take care of him, so I'm eternally grateful for them, whether the marriage survives or not.

This lady has been abusing her meds, true, but I don't think a drug test would show it because they leave the system quickly. There are real problems in this marriage and the husband needs to address them, yes. The lady probably does need some sort of rehab and maybe some external controls on her meds, but let's not criticize her for taking meds.

OK Everyone

Let me start by saying when I wrote the original post, I had found out about the other man maybe two hours before, and I was irate and confused. I wrote about all the bad things that were coming into my head, and none of the good things that this woman has brought me. That's not fair to her. I do appreciate everyone's comments, and would love more after this post, but the last ones are obviously skewed because I only told half of the story. That's my fault and is only fueling a bad fire. I think it would be good for me to say some positive things now. 

Let me say very clearly that she is the best mom I could ever want for my child. My daughter will never have to question whether or not her mother loves her. Sure she's disorganized with some things, but she keeps my daughter safe, happy, and healthy. My daughter loves her mommy, and I wouldn't trade her for anyone. There will never be a custody battle where malicious accusations are made of the other person. That is not who my wife and I are. She has a problem with the meds yes, but I agree with Sueann completely. They truly do help her when she takes them properly. We are already often made to feel like criminals when we pick up 'amphetamine salts' at the pharmacy. There is no need to create more burden on her in this way. She started therapy yesterday to begin working towards finding a better balance. 

My wife is the brightest burning person I have ever known. I loved her from day 1 as cliche as that sounds. She is warm and compassionate, empathetic and kind, creative and inspiring. In my eyes, she is still the most beautiful woman in the world. I have never known a better feeling in life than holding her. I think that's why I have also never known a worse feeling in life knowing that she was with another man.

To this day, I don't have to ask myself if I love her because it is natural and easy for me to love her. That's what makes this all so hard. 

I don't know where you live but....

my husband works on what is called an ACTT (Assertive Community Treatment Team). One of the things they do is med monitoring, that is, someone goes to the clients' home and administers meds on a daily basis. It stops the family having to police it. I don't know if she'd be eligible for something like that, or if she'd accept it, but you might try to find resources like that in your community. There are probably other resources that do the same thing.

Your second post was much more positive. I'm glad you are feeling more positive. You have a lot of work ahead of you and so does your wife, but I do hope you make it.

if hurtful comments help

you to realize what it is that you love about her, then they were useful. There is a lot you will find out in therapy that can bring light to why she was abusing meds. My daughter , for a time, was so eager to be accepted that she would dip into my meds(hidden in my bedroom) after taking her own. She felt that she could better help in the house but more than that, control her impulsive behavior. Maybe her dosage is not correct. I take a high dose and supplement with Gaba, omega 3 and l-tyrosine. I take tryptophane in the PM to help me with my midnight deadline of going to bed. For some of us, the brain chemical imbalance is so severe that additional measures are required. I have also started a regular exercise routine. You will, in time, find a balance but your last post suggests that you have a chance.

BTW, when a pharmacist at our local first gave me the look, yah that "you're a druggie" look, I took that up with the manager. I asked her if she didn't think I felt bad enough without being treated by a criminal and if treating me like a human being was too difficult for her staff, I could take my very expensive, insured coverage medication to the store 2 doors down. She was very compassionate and apologized. It never happened again.

Hole in the bucket's picture

Yeah I totally wasn't trying

Yeah I totally wasn't trying to bash her just for taking meds.  I was bashing her for being a cheating, stealing, lying junky of a mother.  My apologies if I led you to believe otherwise.  Oh and missed ya. 

Wow

Hole, 

I'm very sorry that your relationship obviously left you very bitter, probably just plain sad. The rest of us are not subject to that fate. Yes my wife can be frustrating, but I married her for a reason. She makes me happy, and I don't have to remind myself that I love her...because I just plain do. I can't look at her without feeling overwhelming love, still. She makes me feel loved. We have our problems just like everyone else, but we don't deserve to be talked to like that. If you want to be negative and talk trash about people, go to a bar or something. Don't do it here where I think people are genuinely seeking encouragement and positivity. 

Hole in the bucket's picture

I apologize if I offended

I apologize if I offended anyone.  Those of you who know me know that that is not my intention.  But at the same time, There are some instances where someone -needs- to say something.  This woman is running around behind his back with another man, stealing money, exchanging sexual favors for meds, and so forth.  That's more than just easily distracted and selfish.  As for -my- relationship... I haven't been posting here because my relationship is doing fantastically!  My wife and I are communicating, I'm chasing my goals and she is supportive.  She is going to school and I am supportive.  In short, we're doing fine.  I am no more bitter now than when I came to this site.  As far as being negative and trash talking... again, I apologize for offending you.  Wasn't my intention, but I'm not much for beating around the bush.  He asked and I answered.  But also, is this not -exactly- the place to vent?  A place where others can nod along with you?  I leave you with this... is your wife cheating on you?  Is your wife setting a bad example for your daughter?  Is your wife stealing money out of your safe?  Lying to you?  Well then my post wasn't directed at you and your relationship might be worth saving.  Cling to it and treasure it like the seed that it is.  But if she is... she's got deeper issues than just ADD and you have a daughter to think about, because she's not gonna.  Sorry if that offends anyone... but that's my opinion, and I'm entitled to it.  Besides, I don't think any of us want to be patronized or told that "everything is gonna be okay" just because it's the sweet thing to say.  I came here because I wanted people's honest opinions and advice, I presume that's the same with everyone else.  Regardless of which path any of you take, I wish you the best of luck.  *Salutes*

you're right hole

its more than just ADHD, it sounds like a history of child sexual abuse and poor self esteem, or something else in that vein. Maybe she needs therapy and treatment and not a judge.

Hole in the bucket's picture

*Nods*  I agree.  She very

*Nods*  I agree.  She very well might.  And if she actually goes, then great!  Crisis averted!  If she doesn't... I say cut your ties and sail away into the sunset.  Look, defend her all you want, she's a mother.  When you make the conscious decision to have a child, you need to get your stuff straight.  Period.  I'm not saying "Dump her because she has issues."  I am saying, if she isn't going to FIX those issues (and judging by the first post... she isn't) then do the right thing and protect the child from her mother's self destructive habits.  I'm sorry if that bugs people, but I stand by it.  The kid comes first.  Now, for someone who's against judging, yer throwing an awful lot of stones.  Now, I will once again apologize for upsetting people... but I'm sorry... children don't need that kind of stuff around them.  That's facts.  Be upset.  Don't be upset.  Think I'm a jerk.  Understand that I am concerned about the child more than I am about someone who seems hell bent on dragging the family down the tube.  It really doesn't matter, because at the end of the day... the child is in a bad situation and it needs to be fixed, or there needs to be a separation.  Not excuses and apologies, but clear, decisive action.  Child = First.  Mommy's issues = Second.  If you agree, you don't have to reply.  We can go our separate ways.  But if you disagree and think that mom's issues should be pushed in front of the child's developing mind and that she should have to see her mother and father this way... well then by all means, feel free to reply, because I am intrigued.  *Salute* 
 

Hole in the bucket's picture

For the record, in case I am

For the record, in case I am just completely mentally challenged right now... does anyone else think I am being too harsh or that I am wrong here?  If I am then I will apologize and eat crow. 

I feel overwhelming love for

I feel overwhelming love for my husband too, and that's important, but be careful that you aren't doing what many of us here are famous for doing...defending her actions. Some of them are indefensible, and I think that is what Hole is trying to say. It is your marriage and you're the one who loves her, but outside opinions and advice are sometimes crucial to those of us who are dealing with 'out of control ADHD' because we sometimes lose our sense of reality and crawl into the hole of denial. If your first post has any truth to it, and I believe it is probably as much truth as your other ones, then you really do need to get real about your marriage. Your first post was full of anger, pain, resentment, frustration, and fear. You can shove these deep down, for the sake of making her happy, but eventually they will eat you up inside if you don't deal with them..with HER.

Hole in the bucket's picture

"Forums » ADHD Marriage

"Forums » ADHD Marriage Forums » Anger, Frustration & ADHD"
Say it with me...
Anger
Frustration
&
ADHD

:)  No malice intended... but this is EXACTLY the place to trash talk and be negative.  It's in the title of the forum.  Right there.  I try to tinge my animosity with a healthy dose of insight and humor, but this is still a place DESIGNED for people to vent and let out that aggression so that we don't bludgeon our ADHD partners to death with frozen foods.  If you are looking for a forum full of kites and butterflies and fluffy bunnies... Melissa has been kind enough to provide forums JUST like that... Where you can find that kind of helping hand.  It's an awesome spot.  BUT for those of us who NEED that kind of outlet area... back off my kool-aid or take a sip, please.  :) 

Don't beat around the bush,

Don't beat around the bush, just tell us how you feel! LOL Long time no see. How are things? (I'm going to ask and then duck cause I'm not assuming very well from your 'suggestion' above)

Hole in the bucket's picture

What can I say?  When I piss

What can I say?  When I piss people off... I go for broke.  Where's the rest of my homies at? 

Two things...#1 don't go

Two things...#1 don't go accusing someone of something considering she has a LOT to gain from you thinking she was 'innocent' in the situation with the other man. Her ADHD is out of control, isn't being treated properly, she's a drug abuser, and God only knows what the truth in this situation is. Can I ask....why doesn't she insist charges be pressed?

#2 As stated above, her ADHD is completely out of control and you BOTH need to get in counseling and start learning to deal with each issue, one by one, or nothing will ever change. If for no one else other than your daughter, you need to make her get help. She's abusing drugs and cheating. If she won't take the initiative, take it for her. Get help for yourself and hopefully your marriage.

Wife with ADHD and You're Feeling Alone

It's interesting to see this perspective from the man's side - we have a number of women on the site who say that their husbands would rather do things that seem inconsequential (playing on the computer, or in your case decorating cakes) than deal with the hard work of raising a family and dealing with ADHD.  No matter the gender, I say the SAME THING:  ADHD is not an excuse for not being an active and useful part of a relationship.  The symptoms may lead to problems that need immediate treatment (and this is the case with your situation) but in the long run a partner who cannot at least manage to contribute "well enough" to the partnership isn't really a partner.

It's unclear to me why you haven't 1.) insisted she go into drub abuse rehab; 2.) put a combination on the safe that she has NO CLUE how to get past; 3.) asked that the two of you get marital counseling; 4.) ask that she start GOOD treatment for her ADHD.  Don't misunderstand me - the problems you describe are largely her problems.  However their ramifications affect you.  Stand up for yourself gently but firmly - time for her to take control of her life...and you'll join her in any reasonable way that doesn't foist the responsibility onto you.  From the sound of things, it's time for some drastic action - an intervention if you will.

As for your outrage for her having a man that she had been flirting with for months (?) force himself on her...I agree that every woman should be able to say "no" at any time - even to the man to whom she is married.  The sad reality is, however, that this is not how the world works - particularly when alcohol is involved, which it likely was this time.  It's like saying the bus driver should have been able to stop the bus when you walked out in front of it...while he was also drunk.  If the man had compunction, he wouldn't have been going out with a married woman in the first place - particularly after her husband KNEW about it.  What's most important at this point is that she is safe (no STDs, no pregnancy, no psychological trauma) and that she learn that she can't do this again.  How you verify that she's learned an important lesson is up to you.

At best, you have a long road ahead of you.  I would recommend that you make sure that you get the support structures in place for YOU to make sure you stay psychologically healthy so that your child has at least one parent who can be relied upon.