Advice for ADHD Man - Set a New Course

I don't know if George will respond (he's kind of shy about posting even though he reads many of the comments) but perhaps you can try some "learning conversations".  These are structured conversations where you take turns expressing your feelings and repeating back to the other person what you think you heard (in different words) until each of you understands what the other is saying.  Here's a sample conversation:

You:  "I'm feeling as if I'm the only person in the house who cares about cleaning up."

Him:  "Your frustrated because no one besides you cleans up."

Y:  "Yes, but it's more than that - it has to do with caring about our home and family."

H:  "You equate caring about a clean home with a loving family?"

Y:  "No, it's more like respect."

H:  "You equate a clean home with my respecting you."

Y:  "I equate people in the family wanting to keep our home neat with family members caring about our home and our family.  It's not just you, it's you and the kids.  I get depressed by a dirty house because it's not only a lot of work, but it makes me feel as if no one cares."

H:  "So if we cleaned up more, you would feel more taken care of."

Y:  "Yes."

(his turn)  "But that seems silly to me - of course we care about you.  Why would you equate caring with housekeeping?"

Y:  "You don't understand why I think a messy home equates to not caring."

H:  "Right.  It doesn't make sense to me."

Y:  "Because taking care of a house takes a lot of hard work.  The act of working together shows that we care for each other and have a joint goal - having a home we love."

H:  "You don't like doing the work and would like help."

Y:  "I would like help, but that's not why it's important to me.  It's important because every member of the family should be invested in the home we love."

H:  "Hmmm..."

etc.

In theory, you could have learning conversations around your feelings, around how you do things together (or don't and why), around your needs, his needs, etc.  The "rules" are:

• repeat back what you think you heard until you understand what the speaker is saying.
• share time/thoughts.  Once you've gotten across your point, let him make one and reverse roles
• keep your ideas in a neutral tone of voice - no attacking the other person
• don't problem solve - just learn about each other.  You'll find you can apply your learning to problem solving later on

As for pushing in order to get a response - yes, George used to do this...and so did I.  Part of the reason is to "validate" that your (now angry) spouse really is to blame.  And, yes, perhaps, to punish yourself.  In any event, you are right to step out of that cycle.  There is a good book on this topic - stepping out of the cycle of anger - called "The Dance of Anger" if you are interested.  It may also give you some insight into approaching him without triggering his defensiveness.

My wife is at the same place as you. She is the kindest, most admirable and adorable person I have ever met in my life. As I write this, I am crying tears I seem to have been withholding for a long time. I was diagnosed over a year ago with ADHD at age 36. I have been married to my wife for over ten years and sadly, I have nearly ruined our relationship.

If you decide to give up, it is not unreasonable and you have to do what is in the interest of your own health and happiness. What your husband needs to understand is what I have only recently come to realize: He will lose you and it is all his fault. Not only that but he has made you sick.

You may indeed "let go" but if you have even an ounce of love or respect for him you will find a way to get him to read the letter. Until he knows how you really feel, he will continue to blame everyone and everything but himself (a convenient but often devastating coping mechanism those of us with ADHD possess) for the failure of this marriage, the next one and every other aspect of his personal or professional life. You don't owe him anything but if you don't wake him up to reality, others will either get hurt or do what you were unable to. If you can support his effort, I bet you will start feeling better too.

Yes, there is hope.  I haven't been in exactly your situation, but it has been close enough that I have experienced many of the same feelings your are going through.  Yes, it is scary.  But the fact that you are thinking about these things and can ask what you can do even though you are scared suggests to me that you are actually stronger than you may feel.

Based on my own experience, I think your husband probably really does mean it when he says he loves you and your children.  But "love" is not the same thing to all people.  My ADD husband and I have had many arguments about our differing views of love.  In my mind, when you love someone, you put their wants and needs on a par with your own -- sometimes even above your own -- and you express it not just through words but also through caring actions.  My husband experiences love as a feeling --  the idea of expressing love is very hard for him to grasp.  In a sense, there is no "follow-through" on his feelings of love the way there is on mine.  But there is no doubt my husband genuinely loves me and our kids, by his definition -- he wants us to be happy, he just doesn't see himself having anything to do with it!  So it's possible that your husband's definition of love could be different from yours.

You say your spouse is on a roller-coaster with the medication and job stresses right now -- in a sense, I'd say you both are.  In my experience, all you can do in this kind of situation is hang on and ride it out.   Give your husband a chance to adjust to his medications.  It's very possible that the first attempt at medication will not prove ideal, and different dosages or different formula meds may be needed.  It took my husband three or four different iterations before he got any real benefit and felt well with it.  (At first he was on Ritalin, but it wasn't enough -- then it was too much and he was having trouble sleeping -- then after they got the Ritalin dose right, he was experiencing some depression so they added Prozac -- tried several dosages of that, too.  This process can take some time, each iteration can take weeks or sometimes longer to fairly evaluate.)  So my suggestion on this would be to observe carefully how your husband's meds seem to be affecting him, and provide this feedback to his doctor if this is agreeable to your husband and his doctor -- it may help shorten the trial-and-error process.  This is an unbelievably hard time for your husband.  The meds are very probably causing him to experience things, see things, understand things differently than he ever has before -- that's not bad, but it is new and hard to adjust to.  (I have been through the reverse process, as a result of meds for an illness I had -- during this time, my brain was working like a person who has ADD even though I don't have it -- a dreadful experience, but it helped me understand my husband better -- but I can assure you the difference between these mental states is pronounced and can be hard to cope with.)

I understand how you feel about your husband losing his job!  My husband at one point was on the same brink, with two young children, and our strategy had been the same as yours -- unfortunately our youngest had serious pulmonary problems, so it would have been extremely difficult for me to go back to work, which made my situation that much more upsetting.  Fortunately, my husband did not lose his job, but was moved to a position that he was more able to handle, and when he got his meds settled, he was able to do quite successfully ever since.  I should also note that earlier in his career, he had gotten promoted, but couldn't handle the job (too many additional responsibilities), and was allowed to go back to his previous position.  Your husband does have some rights about this, his employer cannot fire him just because he has ADD, and even if it affects his performance, they generally have to make sure that they have given him the opportunity to correct the problem -- alternatively most employers would rather make an effort to re-position an employee than deal with a potential lawsuit about it.  I know that this is a tough economy to be at risk about your job (I lost mine in January, due to force adjustment), but your husband may be able to work with his doctor and employer to come up with a probationary kind of program.  (My now-adult son, who also has ADD, but who was not on meds, had this experience last year with his employer and was able to work out this kind of arrangement.)

Even if your husband does lose his job, and believe me I really do understand what a hardship that will pose to you and your family, it's also possible that in the long run it will be a blessing in disguise.  The job your husband is currently in may just not be a good fit for him, and it may turn out that he would be better off doing something a little different.  This has certainlly turned out to be the case for my son, who despite the probationary arrangement, ended up losing his job earlier this year for non-performance.  It made him realize that it really wasn't the kind of work he's good at, and the job he has found since is working out much better for him.

In sum, I guess what I would suggest overall is what me and my family have done in these situations -- hope for the best, plan for the worst, work with your husband, his doctor and his employer in whatever way you and your husband can to negotiate the best possible arrangements or at the very least try to buy yourselves some time to find some way to make an alternative arrangement work.   The more patient you can manage to be with the process, while still trying to be as prepared for whatever happens as you can, will probably help.  And I also urge you to read as much as you can of Melissa's blogs and the various posts here, there is quite a bit of useful information that can serve you not just in the situation but in general with coping with whatever problems may arise in relation to your husband's ADD.

Hang in there!!  Come back with your questions, and let us know how things are going, we will help if we can.   I know this is a very hard time for you, just try to roll with the punches as best you can.  Good luck!!

I have been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. Been a SAHM for 10 years. During our marriage, my husband has been fired from 6 jobs and is about to be fired from job number 7. Prior to this latest one (a career change and move for this one) I was always a mess, but supportive. I believed him when he said that it wasn't ever his fault. Or I wanted to anyway. Now it is OVERLY OBVIOUS that I was wrong. HELLO!!! This time, I have no sympathy. No patience. No will left to support him. No hugs for him. No comforting words. Several years ago he went to a specialist for ADHD and the guy said he didn't have it--despite the fact that I thought he had all the symptoms. I didn't fight it cause "he was the expert!" Now that he is on the brink of losing this last job I am seeing a counselor (as is he and has been for years) who told me that he should go get tested again. He went today. She did a series of questions and diagnosed him with ADHD in a matter of minutes. She prescribed meds he will start tomorrow. Your words about fantasiznig about being a single mom are mine exactly. This time I have more options as my youngest just entered kindergarden. I am now looking for a full time job. I resent that though. I don't want to put them in day care for b4 and after school or vacations and that is killling me. But so is living with his failed career. I NEED STABILITY. Particularly, FINANCIAL stability. We started off so good 14 years ago...it kills me that I have put up with it this long. Then there's the embarrasement and shame. I could go on and on. I am seriously thinking of leaving him. He is a good man for the most part and a good dad. But I need more than that!! I don't want to do this to my kids though.  I am sooooo torn. He has a nice personality which is why he keeps getting hired. He's intelligent. He just has no social intuition and can't get the job done. Period. I don't know what to do. I am so thankful to have found this website tonight. It doesn't solve my problems to know he has ADHD but it gives them a definition and a source of support. I don't know ANYONE in my little world with a husband who has been fired so many times. No one can sympathize. I can't even find anybody online with a case this bad.  I need direction...I don't know if I have anything left in me for him.

Yes. There is always hope. First of all, do not feel guilty about writing any of this. That is what this site was designed for...A place to vent sometimes excruciating frustration and then get advice from others experiencing similar conundrums. My husband also went through a lot of changes in his career. Finally after many years of great starts and not-so-great finishes, he is working in a self-employed capacity which appears to be the very best fit for him. He is also doing very well at it. However, because of all of the years of disappointment, financial insecurity ect. I still have not let go of my anxiety (waiting for the shoe to drop). Perhaps as long as I remain with him, I will always be on guard. However, I have never seen him less stressed and comfortable in his own skin as when he decided to start his own small business. Perhaps your husband could consider that route too. When your husband tells you that he loves you, learn to believe that that is true. He may not show it in the ways that you can understand, but I have no doubt that he does. Whenever I get frustrated with my husbands distraction or perceive him as not caring I try to envision how I would deal with him if he had a physical condition like the inability to walk. Would I expect him to react, respond in the same way as a person who was fully functional? Would I question him when he would say something like "Honey I would love to join you on that hiking trail today". Or would I treat him with sympathy and compassion. Granted, this is not always easy to do. After all, I have needs and desires too, and would love for him to be fully present at all times, but I know that is not possible so I have to either accept him with his flaws of walk away. I have decide to accept him and try to love him unconditionally. I try to focus on all of the wonderful assets he has and to encourage him as much as I can. I have noticed, that the more that I can give to him in terms of understanding, the more he is willing to understand how I think. In my marriage my husband, I think, is truly from Mars and I am from Venus :)

I am with you. I know your pain and confusion. In my situation there have been so many jobs lost, such destruction of our personal finances, and such pain for my children that I cannot imagine now why I have stayed. It's not fear - sometimes I have been more afraid of going home to him than not - it's believing in the promises I made.

My husband was diagnosed with ADD approximately 12 years ago. He faithfully takes his medication. But he always manages to find a psychiatrist that only prescribes and doesn't work on behavior modification. ADD, pornography addiction, anger issues - thousands of dollars spent on marriage counseling later, and still I'm the only responsible adult in the relationship.

I don't have any answers for you, but beg you to step back and take an inventory of yourself. I know that I have enabled my husband, and that he was probably attracted to me because I was so driven and responsible. Own your share of the pain, and if it is too much to continue, then make your preparations to move on. But TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! In the end, we live only in our own skin. Take good care of yourself.