So another Christmas and birthday with no recognition from my husband. I always tell him I don't want anything for Christmas (because I really don't want THINGS) and I tell him to just take me out for a nice night. He said "Well I plan on doing that for your birthday, which is the day after Christmas, but what do you want for Christmas?" He says it's not fair that he told me what he wanted but I wont' tell him. finally I sit down and I come up with some things for him. All experiences, like concerts, plays, spa gift card, night at a nice resort and I show him the list. He looks at the list and goes 'Well I would be really uncomfortable at a country concert" I was like fine then forget that. There were several other things on the list. Well Christmas morning I get up and say Merry Christmas and he says the same back to me and then says "You don't have anything to open". I say "Well you do" He goes "At least I have someone who loves me". Well I got him a $200 heater for the garage that he wanted and $75 slippers. He tells me "Well we'll go out for a nice dinner this weekend." Yes, like you said for my BIRTHDAY! This is Christmas! You know what? If you had just accepted that I didn't want anything that would have been fine, but you INSISTED that I come up with something. Then you look it over and think that there's nothing on there you really want to do with me so you get me nothing! Do you know how that makes me feel? Especially when you tell me "Oh my mom, sister and stepmom got my gift baskets on time". Really?! Three people who you complain about all the time and never talk to and yet you get them gifts and you spend an extra $10 per basket to make sure they get there on time! I didn't want to spend $200 on a heater that I knew you'd barely use, but yet I got that for you. But you can't take a few hours out of a night and go to a concert with me? I went to a Metallica concert with you and was WAY out of my comfort zone! I go to your race days and am bored out of my mind but you get upset if I don't go. I dealt with your mom staying with us for a week who drove us up a wall. I just allowed you to keep 5 kittens from your mom when we only agreed to 2. And still you can't get me even a small thing??! Not even a spa gift card?
Oh and this was great too. I tell him Christmas morning that I want to go to this one bar tomorrow night. He goes "Oh is there a reason you want to go there?" Yes moron, it's my BIRTHDAY! It's like every year he tries to make my birthday the most miserable day of the year. I've always hated my birthday being the day after Christmas. I never had a party and it never really felt like a birthday. Now I've got him not even saying Happy Birthday to me or treating me special. By the way he didn't even tell me happy birthday until 11PM on my birthday when we returned form the bar and he was drunk! We are sitting on the couch and he is on the laptop and he goes "Oh I am going to get this game on Amazon. It's only $40 compared to $80. Merry Christmas to me!". Just jab that knife in and turn it a bit why don't you! Am I really the least important person on your list? Apparently I'm below yourself!
Oh and I guess my "nice night out" was going to the bar I wanted to go to last night and buying drinks for anyone who showed up to hang out with us. So he bought me a couple of drinks and a $5 quesadilla at the bar! Oh but he spent $125 at the bar so of course he thinks that's a great present. I didn't ask you to buy everyone drinks! You bought drinks for one guy neither of us even like and didn't ask to come...he was just there.
Oh and the box with Christmas presents for his daughter still sits on our kitchen table waiting to be sent to her! Hmmm...mom, sister and stepmom = #1 priority. Me and his daughter = lowest priority!
Hi, Mapper. I'm another
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, Mapper. I'm another woman who's lowest priority in her husband's life; I know how you feel. I'm sorry that you have the extra of having your birthday come the day after the Christmas, so the pain of being ignored and snubbed is magnified. My marriage is in enough tatters that I don't expect it will be repaired or do anything extraordinary to work on it but I do still encourage my husband to see our daughters when possible (my husband lives with his parents and is their caregiver), and it is sad and frustrating that I have to expend so much effort in that direction. The worst thing this year was that my father-in-law didn't want my husband to come here to see our younger daughter (for part of one day; not even an overnight) and said to him, "You know, your mother is family, too." My husband has spent at least 345 days this year with his father and mother. Yeah, guess who doesn't feel like family....
I'm sorry Rose :(
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I feel bad for you. It must feel horrible that he chooses his parents over you. However, my H tells me how much he can't stand his mom and how much he loves me but yet his actions are the total opposite. He does one thing for me and I hear about it for days about how much money he spent on me. You spent $125 at a bar on drinks for a bunch of people. That is NOT a gift for me! Plus on top of that you weren't feeling so great so we couldn't stay out as late as I wanted. It is ALWAYS something when it comes to my happiness. He always finds a way to put a damper on it!
Be careful what you ask for...
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
I think I understand your pain...The entire community here is probably hoping you will go buy yourself a present(s). In an imperfect world, at least it will be something that gives you joy...and you surely deserve that!
For your misery-loves-company, no-you-are-not-crazy, amusement: TOP 5 PRESENTS FROM DH
1. Too small, silk top--only HALF of a 2-piece peignor and robe set. How do I know it was only half? Because I went to the lingerie shop to try to exchange this $100, no-refunds "gift". Husband was confused by my own confusion when I opened the box. He mumbled to me that it was a "dress" (it barely reached the top of my middle-aged thigh). Then mumbled it was for when we "went dancing" (wild guess--do you think we have EVER "gone dancing"?). For further context...he had no erotic interest in actually seeing me in this "thing"...which was almost a relief because I was still struggling with the weight gain from our second kid...WHY did he buy this? Mystery "solved" when I tried to exchange this and discovered a) it was a new shop located near his business partner--IMPULSE purchase...and b) the entire clientele seemed to be very diminutive call girls, so he surely got lots of ATTENTION from the staff, which, I've learned is more important to him than the actual purchase. Needless to say, there was nothing in that store for my nearly 6' tall, zaftig body.
2. Surprise Party. It's only a few months after 9/11 and--of course--we were near WTC for a variety of stupid reasons. I have PTSD; my friend is dead, my kid is hiding in closets; and our child's trauma has led us to move back to the country house I'd only recently lobbied to get us moved out of...DH & I have what I think is a soulful conversation, where I reveal I'm in pain and want a simple birthday--just a drive to that restaurant I love so much and a good, comforting dinner. He nods and looks deeply into my eyes (as my dog does, also, BTW). Next thing I know, it's the big day...he's even more antsy than usual...finally he blurts out in the late afternoon that he has to go to the store to get wine for my surprise party. Oh, and maybe I could clean up the house while he's gone, since all those people will be here in 2 hours. I am, of course, in pajamas when this news is delivered.
3. Happy Mother's Day! I return from a weekend away, chaperoning my kid's class trip. The kitchen is completely GUTTED--missing wall, no stove, no fridge, wires and splinters everywhere! He proudly tells me he had a buddy rig this surprise because he knew I wanted to renovate the kitchen. I have a kid in diapers, another in elementary school...and we now live in a dangerous hovel. Ask me if we have ANY plans for this "renovation"? My sobs take a moment to register, since he is so proud of himself.
4. Once upon a time, I had a career writing for TV. Like any job, some days were better than others. I had an especially tortured experience with one project--office politics! betrayal! bad reviews--one of which actually suggested the fault was not my script but the bad acting! Christmas rolls around, and DH buys me a ton of stuff with that actress's face on the labels--the socks, t-shirts etc. she has "designed"! I study his expression--is this a joke? irony? acknowledgement that I went through fire and survived? Of course not. But the store he got all this from was right near that hardware store he frequents to fuel his never-ending, never completed projects.
5...Please...let's stop at 4....
So, none of us SHOULD have to live expecting nothing from a spouse. But "should" is perhaps one of the least useful words on this forum. Please do something awesome for yourself this week, and tell us about it. Yesterday, I took one of my sons out for an elegant, spontaneous brunch...we'll have that moment for the rest of lives. Peace.
Submitted by dvance on
I am laughing at your list--but I know it's not funny. I have had similar experiences in my house--hours, days, weeks, lost on projects that weren't viable to begin with but there is no talking them out of it and when you try YOU are the b**ch who isn't supportive. Oh, yes, been there. It is indeed so much easier to have no expectations. This year I got an unexpected $100 gift from the PTA (I teach--they did it for the whole staff--it's been a rough fall at our school) and I took it to Sephora and spent the entire thing on makeup and perfume. DH doesn't even know I got that money. Best thing I did for myself all year. Every time I spritz that gorgeous scent, I smile! Dishonest--maybe, but really what difference does it make?
Good on you!!!
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
dvance--every time I walk past a Sephora, I'm going to smile and wish you well.
What we go through IS funny, as well as sad. It was a therapist who advised me to stop trying to make sense of my husband's behavior and accept the universe's Cosmic Jokes.
I am grateful for the chance to speak the unspeakable pain on this forum...for the comfort of the shared experiences of others, like you.
But what I really CRAVE...for 2015...is more examples of these little victories and joys we can manage for ourselves...thank you for inspiring me.
Spritz on--sister!
Little (and big) victories
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Little (and big) victories and joys in 2014: 1) I planned and took a trip to see our daughter who lives 2000 miles away. I encouraged my husband to go also because, although I knew it would be stressful for me, I thought it was important to give him a break from his caregiving job and to give him the opportunity to see our daughter also.
2) I got a dog, approximately six months after our family's dog died. The new dog is mine. Despite being middle aged and used to another family, she has bonded with me.
3) My finances have become secure enough that I felt comfortable giving gifts to a dear friend who is in precarious financial circumstances because of her husband.
4) I got dental insurance and I went to the dentist and got painful but very necessary work done on my teeth.
Brava, Rosered
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Wow!. And here's hoping you'll experience more such inspiring, comforting moments in 2015. You sure deserve them.
My 17 year old son--the one in the family who is really working on his ADHD--watches me try to cope with my zany household...shakes his head...and with a twinkle in his eye...says: "Mom, you do you".
Please give your dog an extra scratch behind the ears, for all us!
(BTW--I got a tooth pulled last week! Horrors! On so many levels! My heart goes out to you--like you posted elsewhere here, I've been letting so much go to deal with the crisis of the day...including my own teeth. But no more, eh, RoseRed?)