My husband has been diagnosed for 18 mths. He takes ritalin and it has helped a lot - he also exercises and has quite a healthy lifestyle... but he adamantly refuses to make any behavioural changes. This means he still forgets what I say, doesn't follow through on agreements, rushes off in all sorts of directions (we are rennovating our house) causing no end of havoc and wasting time and money.
We talk through what might help - including writing things down, always consulting before deciding etc - he does it petulantly for a day or two and it quickly goes out the window.
He says making these changes would be 'stifling' that it would mean he would no longer be himself - he doesn't see why he should have to adapt to a world that he thinks should work better for him!
I'm really stuck. I work at home and I can't cope with the fact that most days when I leave my computer to go and see how he's doing - I'm going to find some ADD thing going on - definitely not what we discussed and agreed at breakfast... I'm exhausted and worn down by it...
I feel there's nothing more I can do - so I've decided to stop trying to find any solutions and just keep stating what's a problem for me - stop work on the house (our worst battleground) and leave it to him to work out what he wants to do - which I have to accept may mean leaving me.
Is that the right thing to do? Has anyone else successfully overcome this barrier?
It's just who he is...It's his reality!
Submitted by c ur self on
Conforming: Behaving according to socially acceptable convictions....This seems to be our requests for our add partners.....
Seeking to respect our spouses positions and focus on being loving mates should be our goal...But, leaving your computer to find him lost in some add thing as you call it can be frustrating...Under taking certain tasks along side my wife would be monumental. I refuse to engage her when she is trying to decide what to throw away...I can do in an hour, what she will get lost in for 8 and leave things in a bigger mess than when she started...So, I do understand your frustrations...But, again focus on the goal of a happy home and don't bite off more than you can chew...It so easily can go sour when you try to mommy your husband...It will never work...I wish you the best!
Blessings,
that doesn't work for me...
Submitted by KristinaS on
I forget stuff - everyone does - I make notes to help me remember and I don;t have ADD.
My husband refuses to write anything down and his memory is worse than mine...
It has serious consequences for us - like when he forgets what we agreed to tell the plumber...
'It's just who he is' - gets him off the hook - why shouldn't he be responsible for giving the plumber the correct information and working out how to do that...
I have to do a load of things I find difficult and scary - but I step up to the plate and do what I can as I feel accountable to him to do what we agree - why doesn't it go the other way?
It should....
Submitted by c ur self on
But, keep trying to force him to be the accountable person you wish he was and let me know how that works out for you? If he is happy with who he is and doesn't seek to work on self awareness and his own issues, then you are wasting your breathe....And the outcome of your emotional state is not going to be pretty...You control no one...Just like me....So you can accept what you see in front of you or walk away...But, don't make all the mistakes that you read about from most of us on this forum...Life is short, be content...don't let yourself turn angry and bitter about what you have no control over....
Just saying:)
Don't forget that this
Submitted by Jimbo on
Don't forget that this disorder is directly tied to a difficulty in learning. My wife may learn, may learn for a while and then go right back doing (or not doing) or she might not learn at all. Even seemingly simple things can be a problem. Patience is your best tool.
Yes I really understand that
Submitted by KristinaS on
Yes I really understand that - I've read so many books on ADD I've lost count...
But my husband almost forgets he has it - his reality is that he can read one book on plumbing and then plumb the central heating in (despite very many times when he has experienced cognitive blindness - misread doctors' letters, DIY instructions, travel info etc).
He is angry with me for suggesting it would be easier to get a plumber - I go nowhere near suggesting he might not be able to do it - but the slightest hint that he might not be 'able' makes him so cross. This defensiveness is very hard to get around...
What do I do - wait for the plumbing disaster to unfold or put my foot down and insist on getting someone in. I chose the latter.
I feel like I'm holding it all - because he doesn't want to acknowledge he has any difficulties or that he can do anything about it.
His denial is so strong - it's like he's delusional. And he feels he has no need to write anything down to remember it...
You are the best able to answer that
Submitted by Jimbo on
You can try to draw lines on behavior but you are probably just setting yourself up for more and more frustration.The denial took about two years (and six months of separation) to get past for me and my wife. But we did finally get past it. That is where your energy should be focused. Before you try to tackle it though, you have to ask yourself "what can I live with". I was prepared to end my marriage if she didn't get help and she knew it. That's when the wall of denial really started to crumble. Until you get the denial out of the way you are really just spinning your wheels.
Thank you. That makes me feel
Submitted by KristinaS on
Thank you. That makes me feel better.
At the moment I'm thinking what I can't live with is all the extra expense created by the lack of planning etc in doing up the house. And the stress of not knowing if he will follow through on what we agreed. So what I want to do is to ask him not to work on the house any more - I'll take responsibility for that - I already have it anyway - but have no control.
Then I'll stop myself from trying to find solutions to the problems we face - but only calmly state my needs. And concentrate on getting my work done and getting myself on a more even keel. Take my focus off of him and onto me.
I'm utterly exhausted and depressed. But not broken.
excellent point Jimbo
Submitted by c ur self on
We all can daily use a dose of putting ourselves on others shoes....Everyone has their own view of life, and their strengths and weaknesses in dealing with it...So patients and understanding is a must for a peaceful life a marriage or in community in general.