Codependency and when to leave the relationship
Submitted by outdoorsgirl1974 on Fri, 10/24/2008 - 16:20
As I read a lot of posts,I see the same issue of the non ADD spouse wondering when enough is enough.My question is a two part one and I am interested to hear what Melissa has to say as well as others thoughts.
At what point do you leave the relationship and when is it considered being codependant and "Unhealthy?"
It seems ADD by nature has all the codependant signs to go with it.It sets you up for being that way as a lot of times your forced to "take care" of everything.You then get into trying to control their actions,mothering,nagging,etc. for the well being of the family.So is it not considered codependant and a "Healthy relationship" if they ARE self sufficient?(Taking meds,counseling,reading the books,trying hard to be responsible,etc.)However if they are NOT making an effort at all then it would be considered an "Unhealthy relationship"??Am I understanding that correctly?
As I currently am in a class for this very thing..codependancy,which is very helpful...for me it raises the question...Ok how is this different than a drug/alchohol/sexual addiction where they refuse to change or get help?In that case,anyone would say..."Oh yes!The healthy decision is to get out of the relationship ASAP and move on with healing yourself!"Yet when it is ADD you get a different response of..."Well they have ADD and can't help it so you should be sympathetic and put up with it." My question is,how is it different when they ALL show the same behaviors of not wanting to change?Granted,those are addictions and this is ADD,but the behaviors are the same of refusing to change and telling you where they think you should put those books,ideas of counseling,etc...where the sun don't shine...if you know what I mean.
It just seems that no one speaks of the facts,that being in an ADD relationship COULD be unhealthy.Instead of..."Oh you need to work with them,feel sorry for them,etc!"Don't they have the same responsibilites as all responsible adults do in this world?The consequences of the alcholic who won't go to rehab is he looses his family.The consequence all too often with ADD is that the partner sticks it out and trys even harder next time and so the cycle continues.I agree that you have to try all avenues and be willing to work at it...but there comes a point when some of us are starting to give up who we are as individuals in extreme ways.Is it as simple as..."If they are willing to work with you and are open to change...then stay.If they are not willing to work with you at all and refuse to change...leave!"I don't know because there are so many excuses society puts out there because its "ADD",so it makes it a double edged sword for the non ADD spouse and you feel so guilty if you do leave....because after all,"they can't help it!"I am not trying to be mean...its just something to think about.
I told my therapist just last week what is going on in my relationship....all the very same things everyone on here talks about.The frustration,the sadness,the loneliness,the anger,etc and her response was..."Your not in a healthy relationship".So doesn't that proove my argument correct?After all..thats coming from a professional.Anytime your needs aren't being met,thats considered unhealthy....right?So I then told her...."Well...OK...but he doesn't beat me,he isn't verbally abusive,doesn't cheat,etc."She said,thats setting the standard too low.Your settling for a relationship that isn't working for you".A lot of these posts are..."not working for the non ADD partner"...so what do you do?They refuse to change or "not recognize how their ADD affects everything"....so when do you leave if it turns "Unhealthy"?How long SHOULD you put up with it?If it was a drunk were talking about,society would say get out...NOW!Its all the same feelings for the spouse...so if you think about it,what is the difference?I also get how it is a personal decision for everybody and it isn't anyone else's place to determine when YOU should get out and in the end it does have to be your decision...but just some general opinions would be great!
I may be completely in left field on this,but I keep thinking about it..what is anybody else's thoughts?