Well, I started the process of filing for divorce yesterday.  Every time I filled out a field in the form my heart broke more.  I am so sad that I can barely function.  This isnt what I wanted.  I did everything I could to stop this.  Even though I am the one pulling the trigger so to speak, I do so unwillingly.  I do so with the greatest and deepest sadness.  I paid the attorney, filled out the case questionaire, and from there they prep the docs, send over to me for approval then they file.  I would go to the moon and back to somehow change this before its final.  But I know it wont happen.  I know he has made his choice.  He had other options - but he didnt choose them.  I pulled the trigger - but it was his choice for me to do so.

All thats left for me to do now is to clean up the mess.  He wont have too.  He will happily go on, easily moving in with his good friends and live the life of gaming and porn.  I am sure he will be surrounded by women who wont care, and who wont be around for long.  Thats ok.  Its his choice.  I will clean up the mess left behind, try to patch up whats left of my heart if there is anything left at all.  I will clean the house, feed the dogs, work every day and every night so that I dont have to think about any of this anymore.  I will pack the boxes, purge belongings, go to the grocery store, cook dinner for one, play with my dogs. 

But right now - at this moment, its all I can do to breath.  Its all I can do to keep myself from falling apart... looking at the wreckage of my sacrifices so carelessly tossed aside.  It hurts so bad that I cant even focus my eyes anymore. Do I want this?  No.  Do I need this?  Yes.  I needed one of two things.  Either he commits and acts on the changes he promised and SHOWS me, or I needed to break my self apart from him and move on.  I let him choose what I got.  And so I need to learn to be happy with it.

Its hard for me to not imagine how things will be for him once he moves.  How easy things will be for him.  He just shuts it away, an annoyance to be forgotten.  He was worried about what DVDs and Magic cards he was gonna get while I was filling out the lawyer's form.  He already has his priorities.

I told him the sooner the better  - not because I want him gone, but because its too hard on me for him to be here.  I dont know how to look at him and not love him endlessly.  Even though anger and hurt clouds that - its still love that I feel.  I dont know how to not call him affectionate nicknames, or to tell him I love him.  I have been trying for a long time to not try and get his attention with anything I care about because I know what the reaction is - but I dont know how to stop WANTING to show him stuff.  I told him the sooner the better so that I dont ended up loosing my mind in grief.  I dont know how to hide it - which I do so that it doesnt affect him and his decisions.  I dont want pity. I know that somewhere down the line this wont consume my thoughts and emotions.  I know that maybe in a year or two, I wont want to cry as soon as I wake up and know that its all gone.  In the meantime, I will grieve the marriage and the man I loved, even though he didnt exist.  The one who promised me roses on random days and arms to fall asleep in at night. 

I never wanted this, but I guess this is what is.  So I will deal with it like everything else.  My granddaddy said I was made of iron.  I think I am made of titanium.