Submitted by dedelight4 on 11/19/2015.
I don't need this forum any more guys. I finally know the truth, but thanks for being there for me. My husband FINALLY admitted to me this morning, that he's been in love with someone else ALL THESE YEARS. His old college flame. They talk every once in a while. NEVER LIVED TOGETHER. We are separating and getting divorced. I'm going to live with my daughter. He's been living a LIE all these years on TOP of the ADHD. I am relieved to know I can TOTALLY stop obsessing about ALL THIS JUNK now. He's never been IN LOVE with me, he admits. Well, what about that? I wont be back, I don't think, but thanks for always listening to me, and all your great advice.
I'm glad I know now. It's much easier to hear a hard truth than it is to live a LIE.
Dedelight4
Submitted by jennalemone on
This must be very difficult AND cathartic. Please come back here and let us know how you are doing. I think some of us are in denial with this issue and don't believe we can survive something like you are now forced to go through. It feels like this is the case with my H too. Not just the ADD. You know but you really don't know for sure unless they admit it.
I am relieved to know I can TOTALLY stop obsessing about ALL THIS JUNK now.
Yes. From reading your past posts, I KNOW you will be OK. You are sane, capable, and good person. Remain strong. Don't get sucked back in. Rely on your outside support for a while. Build back up your own self respect and boundaries now. I am glad I got to know you on this board.
Hi Dede
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm 58 and I've loved three women in my life....Love is a choice!....Maybe someday your husband will come to understand what he has done....I sure hope so, for his own souls sake...
Please take care of yourself, you are a special Lady...Praying for you!
C
Hi Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
My heart goes out to you.....you are a wonderful person and it shows. And Thank you again for being so kind in the past. I wish there was something that I could say that would help but I know from my own experience in where you are that little with help the process that you now have to go through but just getting through it. Please...do not lose faith even in the moments when you do. It will happen and know that others have been through it and we are with you. It will only get better and will get no worse after a time. Time will cure what you are going through I promise. In the mean time..focus on yourself and do things that only make you feel good. One bit of advise to give you that worked for me to get me through. Each day no matter how difficult it is to do. Do one thing that you enjoy and can take some pleasure in even if it doesn't feel like it will help. Go get your favorite thing to eat or go do anything that you love no matter what it is even for a short time. Do this everyday and don't stop. It will help I promise. Do not lose hope...this will pass.
My Best to You,
J
I am so sorry....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
please look at it this way....
to an ADHD person, everything is NOW (not now). Right now, he feels that he's in love with this other person, and maybe he's felt that way for awhile, but that doesn't mean that he never was in love with you.
As painful as it is, he probably was in love with you at the beginning, but because he has now believes that he's in love with this old GF, his ADHD brain is now thinking, "I was never in love with my wife."
But that likely wasn't true.
Come back When you can for support as you go thru this.
Adding Here
Submitted by kellyj on
What OW said is very true about only seeing what he feels like right now. My ex wife told me when she wanted a divorce that she never wanted to be married in the first place. That's how she felt then.....this just simply wasn't true. If anything....she cried with tears of joy when I asked her and immediately said yes.
She was far more excited and motivated in every way to get married than I was since it was her first marriage and I have a brief and unfulfilling first marriage years before.
That statement really hurt in the moment until I had a chance to think about this and realize that this is exactly what was happening with her....she meant what she said i at two different times and both were true. I think this might help you move past what he said and see that this is probably closer to the truth.
thanks to all of you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thanks to all of you who posted such kind remarks. I had to write that short and without much elaboration. I guess I'm still in kind of shock mode, and can't believe he waited ALL THESE YEARS to tell me this. He knew this ten years ago, when he was in his "affair", and even talked to the psychiatrist about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me THEN. no answer. I did tell him it's so much easier to live with a hard TRUTH than it is with an easy LIE. He said he was never very good with words, and that he just "couldn't tell me". He even thought good of himself for 'doing what was right by me and taking care of me". I laughed. I told him I "Didn't want to be taken CARE OF, I wanted to be Loved".
Yes, this really, really hurts, and I can't believe I'm 59, and this is happening. This "other person" is also married and has a grown daughter, so I wonder how HER husband is going to take this. That doesn't matter though. But, I CAN tell you. When they both FINALLY get together and get their "fantasy" over with, it's NOT going to be what they have been dreaming about all these years. Life doesn't seem to WORK that way. This other woman has never LIVED with my husband, with all the ADHD things, and stuff. (in for a real shock) But, THAT'S OKAY.
It's just sad, that two people can hurt SO MANY OTHERS just because they want what 'THEY WANT", and it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. But, I think they will find out.
I feel relieved, and yet empty. And, tired, and old. But, Jay, I'm going to take your advice, and do exactly what you said. It's GOOD ADVICE. You know, the minute he told me this, it was like something switched in my brain, and said. OKAY, it's done. I don't have to obsess over "What the hell am I doing wrong anymore". It wasn't ME. It was HIM all along. How can someone live a LIE that long, and KNOW and WATCH it hurting your spouse, but they won't own up to it? cowardly? maybe. I do wish I had known much sooner than this, though. Before being disabled and so run down physically.
I will check back in with you all occasionally, and see how you're doing. I had to write this in response to your kind posts. It's been great knowing all of you too, and we just keep on keeping on, don't we. I'm glad God is still God, and that He is still watching over me. Peace be with you all, and THANKS AGAIN.
Thanks to all of you who posted such kind remarks. I had to writ
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Thanks to all of you who posted such kind remarks. I had to write that short and without much elaboration. I guess I'm still in kind of shock mode, and can't believe he waited ALL THESE YEARS to tell me this. He knew this ten years ago, when he was in his "affair", and even talked to the psychiatrist about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me THEN. no answer.
>>>
Which affair? the on-going affair with this ex-GF? Didn't he also have an affair years sometime ago with a much younger woman? or am I confusing you with another person (very possible!)
After reading your first post of this thread, I didn't realize that your H actually had an ongoing affair with this old GF.
>>> My husband FINALLY admitted to me this morning, that he's been in love with someone else ALL THESE YEARS. His old college flame. They talk every once in a while. NEVER LIVED TOGETHER
<<<
I thought it was a one-way street, with him infatuated with her and he only having intermittent contact with her. Now, it sounds like they've been having a fully active affair for a long time and they'll each be leaving their spouses? Is that right?
I'm wondering if he's been dishonest with you. Would she and he really leave their spouses for someone that they only "talk once in awhile"?
BTW....You need to look back at records to find out how much money was spent on this affair. In some states, you can be compensated for "martial monies" that were spent on this relationship. And, you need to determine if he's hidden any money. This has been going on a long time. Who knows what he's been doing.
Is this one of those "got back together thru Facebook" kind of things? My sibling is a therapist and she has seen so many marriages break up because one spouse will "innocently" make contact thru Facebook with an old high school or college GF or BF, and then after some online flirting, they arrange to meet and an affair begins.
A woman I know from my kids' high school is going thru a divorce because of this. Her H "friended" his old college GF on FB and they began PM'ing each other. They then got together when he traveled to her hometown on business and the affair began. He then told his wife that he "never loved" her as well. But, likely that is part of his ADHD "now".
I agree 100% with your assessment that once they are actually living together and the realities that go along with that smack her in the face, she will soon learn that it's not paradise. Who knows if she'll admit her mistake and move on, or if the belief that she "must make it work," to justify all the destruction they've caused will cause her to stick it out for at least awhile.
I think there is more to it than just "he couldn't tell you." He was getting something out of the relationship with you....something he didn't want to give up until now. However, he may find that this other woman won't fill that hole.
>>>>>>
I did tell him it's so much easier to live with a hard TRUTH than it is with an easy LIE. He said he was never very good with words, and that he just "couldn't tell me". He even thought good of himself for 'doing what was right by me and taking care of me". I laughed. I told him I "Didn't want to be taken CARE OF, I wanted to be Loved".
Yes, this really, really hurts, and I can't believe I'm 59, and this is happening. This "other person" is also married and has a grown daughter, so I wonder how HER husband is going to take this. That doesn't matter though. But, I CAN tell you. When they both FINALLY get together and get their "fantasy" over with, it's NOT going to be what they have been dreaming about all these years. Life doesn't seem to WORK that way. This other woman has never LIVED with my husband, with all the ADHD things, and stuff. (in for a real shock) But, THAT'S OKAY.
It's just sad, that two people can hurt SO MANY OTHERS just because they want what 'THEY WANT", and it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. But, I think they will find out.
>>>>
yes, they will find out. You can't live in a fantasy. Right now, they're in love with being in love. The excitement and thrill will soon be gone when they're mugged by reality.
It will happen. but, move on yourself and take care of yourself.
sorry, to clear things up
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I just wanted to clear up what must have been confusing. I thought about it earlier, but my head's been swimming like crazy. The "affair" he had was for 3 years, 10 years ago, with a girl MUCH younger than us. But, the one he's pining over now is the girlfriend he had in college when he was 21, and YES, I do believe FACEBOOK has had a LOT to do with it. He LOVES his Facebook, and recently took it down. (ATTENTION: red flag) He said he took it down because he's looking for a new job, (and yes, that's true, because he's sending out resumes).
He was in contact with THIS (college girlfriend a couple of times, as he says) over the course of these 32 years. And, he said, "She wondered back then, FIRST CONTACT, if he would leave me for her", and another time to where "They reminisced about old times, and wondered why they didn't STAY together, because she was the FIRST girl he fell in love with, and he never REALLY GOT OVER HER". But, he said he then told her"Nothing can come of this"...YEA, RIGHT...IT DIDN'T...So, if it didn't why all the secret plans now?
I will do what you said, and really go over everything. I HAVE been wondering where money has been going, because we don't ever HAVE ANY, and it's gotten worse the past year. He is really amazing. How can someone DO THIS?
Peace
Submitted by kellyj on
You keep moving forward Dede...and let your H keep going in the wrong direction. It won't work...you can't go back in time.
If you have the means.....think about what I said about exercise for your back. It will save you life really. No pill out of bottle can even come close. Take care:)
J
He's lying....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
No way have they only had "a few" conversations. that is a lie. She would not be leaving her own husband for someone that she's only spoken to a few times in the last 30 years. Likely, they have "met up" several times.
Think back...when could they have gotten together? Does your H travel for business?
Go back and look for money withdrawals from the bank, credit card charges, or even a CC that you don't know about.