How Do I Get My Spouse to Deal with ADD?

First, good for you for being so proactive in your own treatments!  You are in a difficult period, and your ability to keep your own life in order is a credit to you.

Second, it sounds as if you have a person who is very loving, spiritual and sweet in your husband...but whose ADD symptoms are out of control.  As you mention that you like to have things under control it sounds as if his lack of control hits you harder than it might hit other women he might have married.  But you two are together - and it may well be that part of the reason for that is that he was attracted to your ability to control things.  (Ah, you say, but I don't WANT to be in control of all of this stuff!!!)

The good news here is that you are able to differentiate the symptoms from the man...now the question is - is he?  Your comment about having a "mental block" that keeps him from succeeding sounds as if he doesn't understand his ADD very well.  One could see how you could think you have a mental block against succeeding when you see yourself make the same silly mistakes over and over again if you didn't understand how to manage ADD. 

Depression is a very common side effect of ADD (more than 50% of people with ADD also have depression) and this is not a surprise as their lives can be a big, big struggle.

It sounds as if your husband has set himself up to fail, at least as your lives are currently set up.  Again, this might simply be from his lack of understanding about how ADD affects him - and how he can lessen its effect.  He has moved his professional life from a structured environment in which he could find the support that he needs to address some of his most bothersome ADD symptoms into what sounds like complete chaos.  You do not say why he closed down his practice, but one possible choice to help him get his life back in order might be for him to join a larger practice that would take some of the more onerous tasks off his hands once again and make your family less dependent upon his ability to bill his clients (and collect from them).

I would ask whether or not your marriage counsellor knows about how to work with couples with ADD.  If you are spending a lot of time digging around in the past, then counselling may not help and shouldn't be used as a barometer for whether or not to end the marriage.  The counselling should focus on developing ways to deal with ADD symptoms that are getting in the way of the two of you succeeding as a couple.  (And one way, of course, is to treat the ADD - and there are many ways to do this).

You are in a tough period for other reasons, too.  You have not been married very long, yet you already have the incredibly disrupting influence of a young child (who "disrupts" your relationship in both good and bad ways).  One area of conflict is clearly discipline, but this can be worked out.  In fact, regardless of whether or not you stay together as a couple you STILL need to work out the discipline question as you will still both be interacting as parents of this child - and the worst possible situation is when divorced parents disagree about discipline - it's really destabilizing for everyone.  Working through this will mean educating yourselves about ways that work (research suggests lots of love and lots of thoughtful structure for children works best, particularly in families where there is a chance that ADD will be passed along, as in yours.  But you should read about this yourselves so that you can agree about how/whether this type of approach will work best for you and your daughter and how the two of you will implement it.)

The first years of a marriage are frequently very, very hard.  There is much to adjust to as the euphoria of courtship wears off and the reality of paying the bills, keeping house and sharing responsibilities sets in.  I think that you are right to communicate with your husband that you are serious about his addressing his ADD symptoms, but I would be careful to make sure that his agreeing to start addressing his issues satisfies the immediate ultimatum (in other words, don't move the bar).  Coming to grips with ADD and its symptoms takes education, an open mind, and a real reason to stick it out.  If you husband has low self-esteem about his ability to succeed (and it sounds as if this may be the case) he will need a cheerleader.

You do not mention how long you have known your husband, nor how you felt about your courtship or why you fell in love with him, though I am guessing that some of what attracted you to him was his personality.  But you are disappointed and angry and, from what I read between the lines in your email, I would guess that if your husband doesn't address his symptoms the two of you will likely not stay married for very long.  But please don't let your own concerns about being in control dictate the timetable for his improvement in a way that robs you of a relationship which might end up being very special.

It is a shock to end up in a marriage that is so completely different from what you expected...but the "bones" of this one seem as if they are good (in the same way that you look at a house in need of repair and say that it has "good bones").  You have both been willing to admit there is an issue and see a counsellor, you still have very nice things to say about your husband's innate personality, you have a lovely daughter who is worth some extra effort.  Currently you have a structural issue (bad match between job and ADD symptoms) in your husband's job, some self-esteem issues and some discipline issues that you need to resolve...these can all be worked on.

A word of caution about your daughter and the "regime" that you have agreed to for her.  Be very, very careful not to impose your feelings about your husband's disarray onto your daughter.  21 months is way too young to be worried about whether or not she is focused - kids at that age are supposed to be taking it all in.  (For specific info about child development at every age there is a very good series called "Your X Year Old - as in Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, etc.)  Be careful not to punish her for her lack of attention, and try to be as loving as possible.  One of the all-time best things I did with my kids when they were little was one very simple thing (and because it was one thing that was at the heart of my approach to conflict it was easy to be consistent for everyone in the family - and would probably work for yours, too.)  We made sure that the kids understood that "Tantrums don't work."  So every time they came to us in a fit of frustration or anger we would calmly say "Tantrums don't work.  Please come back to talk with me when you have calmed down."  Then, when they came back, we would listen to what they had to say and seriously consider whatever their concern was and talk it over with them.  We always used the same words - "Tantrums don't work."  It didn't take long before they got it - and at 14 and 17 today they still laugh about it (and use it as a mantra).  We have a very good relationship, and can talk about anything because at a very early age we set up that basic rule.

So perhaps this is an easy-to-remember approach that your husband and you might both try that would at least diminish that area of conflict (and, yes, if they go off crying you do have to leave them alone until they get control over themselves...just so long as they don't physically hurt themselves!)

There is a lot here, but I feel that there may be more that I can help you with.  Feel free to write more and I will try to respond.

Melissa Orlov