I have so much to say here, but not sure where to start! All I know is that this is my husband: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/20-things-remember-you-love-person-with-add.html. He has 90% of these traits!!
He has extreme anger issues .... nasty, aggressive outbursts, says appalling things to me and his behaviour is, on occasions, disgusting. He has zero tolerance for anything that does not go his way, or does not meet his expectations. For a long time I thought he was just behaving like a spoilt brat, but it's more than that. There is something just not right with him .. whether it is depression or a combination of ADD and depression?
He lost his son when his son was a teenager (before I knew him); he was never given any sort of grief counselling or help to deal with that terrible tragedy. He grew up in a violent household as a child. He told me that he was hyperactive as a child, had issues in school with learning and lack of concentration. He lost his brother last year to cancer and he is really struggling now to cope.
I think over his life he has learned a lot of coping skills in order to avoid the things that he finds difficult to do. He is so creative, talented and smart, but the simple things in life like making a phone call, filling out a form or picking up more than a few things from the grocery store seem to completely overwhelm him.
I'd like him to speak to a counsellor. I broached the subject with him recently and it just became a discussion around what everyone else in his life should be doing to fix his problems!
How on earth do I get him to take that first step? I would really like to have him evaluated for ADD, bipolar, depression or whatever just to get to the bottom of all his anger issues!
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
It all sounds so familiar
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello goingnuts.
I 100% agree with what you said: "I think over his life he has learned a lot of coping skills in order to avoid the things that he finds difficult to do. He is so creative, talented and smart, but the simple things in life like making a phone call, filling out a form or picking up more than a few things from the grocery store seem to completely overwhelm him."
I had realized those very thing about my spouse. Before he understood his ADHD, he just knew he felt different than those around him. He knew what seemed so easy for others, was not so easy for him. He developed many coping skills. Some served him well. Others became weights that held him down.
"I'd like him to speak to a counsellor. I broached the subject with him recently and it just became a discussion around what everyone else in his life should be doing to fix his problems!" Sigh. That refrain ran through my own brain so many times, and for a very long time. No matter how clearly WE can see the problem, the person with the problem defends their position, and certainly seems to have a keen ability to turn the table on us. And in that, WE develop our own problems - trying to fix it; trying to get them to understand; taking on their issues as our fault because their behavior surely is a response to what I am doing, so it MUST be my behavior that is in error.
Been there. Done that.
"How on earth do I get him to take that first step? I would really like to have him evaluated for ADD, bipolar, depression or whatever just to get to the bottom of all his anger issues!" Wish I had an answer for you. I know things that DO NOT work.
Pick up the slack out of love, yet feel resentful.
Point out the disorganization and our frustration with it.
Become complacent.
Cry and mope and hope he will see how hurt we are.
Try to fix.
Try to fix him.
Try to fix it.
It has taken me a very long time to start to sort out my own situation. I spent many years doing the wrong things, and effectively turned my marriage into a parent/child relationship. I effectively allowed my situation to go around and around and around in a vicious circle.
What was and still is hard to sort out? - what is ADHD and what is other issues. Here is one example to try to explain what I mean:
An ADHD person loses track of time and is late.
versus
An ADHD person loses track of time, is late, and takes no responsibility for how his actions affected other people and yells in anger to defend his behavior.
Yep, tis true time blindness is real. Yelling and blaming others, well that is just downright rude.
Learning to love someone who is habitually late, well that takes some work. There can be contingency plans in place - if my spouse is home on time, we ride together. If he is late, I drive myself and he can drive himself. If he does not show up at all, I can feel frustrated and disappointed, however I will no longer allow his being on time ruin my own happiness. Most importantly, I will not allow his stance that - "You must wait for me" - control MY behavior.
Liz