Here is a question I have not seen addressed here, but my apologies if it has been and I missed it. IF the non-ADHD person is in fact willing to make ALL the adjustments, have "the right mind set", be able to shoulder the majority of the responsibilities without resentment, how in the world do you treat your spouse like an equal and not in a pitying, patronizing way? I really struggle wit this. My DH can manage very little, even medicated, so the bulk of everything in our lives is on me. How can I think of him as an equal when this is the case? We are in marriage counseling, he has been in counseling for two years-for what I'm not exactly sure any more because not much seems to be changing. In 20 years of marriage, here is what I see: married people need to set financial goals, make decisions about parenting/discipling children, make career decisions--those are big things, but we also have a thousand teeny decisions to make every day-dumb stuff like how to spend time on the weekends, what to eat for dinner--stupid stuff that is of no consequence. If the ADHD person either is too spent at the end of the work day to discuss the big things or too scattered to offer any real input or defers to the non-ADHD person, how is it possible to see them as an equal? And worse than that, it's very sporadic--sometimes my DH wants to be in on decisions big or small, sometimes he adamantly does not and I have no way to know from situation to situation how he feels until we're in it. He is extremely passive--is happy to go along with any decision I make regarding finances, the kids, plans-anything. So while it's nice to be in charge all the time, what in the world do I need a husband for if I am in charge all the time? When DH moved out for 6 months last year, it was pretty much seamless. Yes we were upset and out of sorts, but the day to day operations of my house were not affected in the least bit. How sad is that? Today we walked into a big department store to look for gloves and I have no idea where they are-I am going to have to ask-and we get into the store and DH and both kids stand there looking at me. For gods sake can't one of the other three functioning people in this family ask???? Yesterday I was out and my oldest son calls me to talk about a computer purchase he wants to make. DH was home. Why not discuss it with him? This happens all the time. The two kids will walk by DH sitting on the couch and come find me in the next room to ask a question or talk about something. How do I treat DH as an equal when this is the case? I hate the patronizing way I think about him. He is a 46 year old man for gods sake and my default setting is that he can't handle something or won't finish it. Three weeks ago I made a list of a few points I wanted to have a family meeting about. Wrote them down. DH agreed with them but had nothing more to offer. I forget what came up, but we didn't get to it that night. I stuck the card with the list on the bulletin board above my desk. Nothing more has been said about it. So again, if I want it to happen, I have to make it happen. Then what do I need a husband for? There is not much companionship, not much shared decision making or goal setting-there is me making plans and goals and him saying that's fine and going along. What support do others get from an ADHD partner? Because I get very little and wonder why I am putting forth all this effort for precious little return.
Great questions
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
IF the non-ADHD person is in fact willing to make ALL the adjustments, have "the right mind set", be able to shoulder the majority of the responsibilities without resentment, how in the world do you treat your spouse like an equal and not in a pitying, patronizing way? I really struggle wit this.
It is a very difficult thing to understand. I have clearly not had one person who is any way, shape, or form of 'an authority figure on the subject of ADHD' tell me that "What you have is the best that you can hope for in your marriage."
I did everything I did because I chose to do it. I did what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I need to do better. What I KNOW is I do not want to enable my spouse to act poorly and let it be acceptable. Clearly, most of our patterns of behavior have developed from both ends!
I do NOT want to trash my spouse.
I do NOT think he is the cause/source/reason of all our marital difficulties.
I DO see that tender loveable spot in his heart and soul.
I mostly DO NOT want to find a way to convince myself that I need to just ACCEPT everything as it is, and be joyful.
Many come to this forum to vent their frustrations. I am one of them.
Many come to this forum looking for a magic wand to wave to fix it all. Four years ago, that described me, too.
I have seen this question, in one form or another, peppered all over this forum "Why do you stay?" Why indeed. I ask myself all the time. I really have no clear answer. I BELIEVE I am working my way to living alone. Finding a job to support myself, and finding a place to live. That all could change. I have to have SOME sort of goal. I have been just flying by the seat of my pants, riding along with my spouse in the driving seat, for too long. I do not like what I have. I can only change things from my side. I cry a million buckets of tears as - it seems - appears - sure looks like - my spouse will not budge. He has gotten himself into a victim mentality and until he can lift himself out - I am really powerless to do anything different in our marriage. My own life is a different story.
I have just last night completed a Parent to Parent training course through CHADD. In hind sight, I realize, for most parts, I parented our children solo. There was no assigning different parts of discipline and responsibility of our children to the other partner in my marriage. I was parenting my 2 children, and usually my spouse, too. Sadly, at that time, I HAD NO CLUE. I cannot change it, but I can acknowledge my own errors and do something different from this day forward.
"... if I want it to happen, I have to make it happen." I feel this way, too.
"There is not much companionship, not much shared decision making or goal setting-there is me making plans and goals and him saying that's fine and going along." For me, my spouse used to just go along, even when he did not agree, and in very passive aggressive behaviors acted out his disapproval. Now he is just in some sort of bully mode. I surely to not like it, nor do I think it is OK. He is working with a coach. I am counting on the fact that things will be handled as they need to be. I get no feed back from my spouse. He tells me nothing. He acts, and when I ask why he will let me know he was told to do it that way. For all I know, my spouse is working his way to living alone, too.
Because I get very little and wonder why I am putting forth all this effort for precious little return. This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly why I am asked, Why do you stay? I STILL have no clear answer.
Liz