My husband keeps thinking that I'm so sad with him going to 2nd shift and now we'll really only see each other on the weekends. Nope...I'm pretty damn excited he's moving there! Up until today he worked 5AM-1:30 PM so the only time I had to myself to truly be free to do what I wanted without any remarks from him was in the morning before 7AM when I went to work. Now he will be working from 2PM to 10:30 PM. I will be able to come home at about 5PM and do whatever I want! No constant "Why are you doing THAT? Why are you watching THAT? Why are you eating THAT?" from him. If I feel like eating soup with a fork while standing on my head in my wedding dress and watching some girly show (I know ridiculous!) but I can do that without any comments from him! I will have a glorious 6 hours to myself every weeknight. I can do projects and when it comes time to start mowing the yard, I can do it after work at my leisure without having to hear comments from him on how I'm doing it wrong or feeling like I have to do it when he'll be gone for a while. I'll be able to go out with coworkers after work when there are work happy hour's and not feel like I have to go home immediately after work so he doesn't get angry at me for being out. I can have a life! Right now all I do is come home and sit on the couch because he's either on the couch or on the computer. I'll even get the bed to myself for a majority of the night because he probably won't end up coming to bed until 2 or 3 AM. Maybe I can finally start losing a few pounds which I've been wanting to do for a while but can't because I never do anything when he's around for fear he'll be snide with me for doing it. Now I probably won't be able to sit still!
UPDATE:Well I had seen on Facebook yesterday while I was at work that H was on Facebook as well around 1:45. Well seeing as how his shift started at 2PM, he was either biding time on the computer at work, which was unlikely seeing as how that's not what you'd be doing prepping for a new area, or he decided to stay home. Sure enough, I get home at 5PM and his car is in the driveway! I walk in the door and he's nowhere to be found because he's taking a nap! So his first day in a new area and he pretty much goes "Meh, I think I'll take the day off" and had made no call or text to anyone at work. Boy, I bet your new coworkers and manager are going to love you! Is this what I'm going to have to deal with now? Always wondering if he indeed is going to work everyday? I was so stressed out about that a few years ago when he worked 2nd shift and didn't go in numerous times. Although now I know how to go onto his work website and see when he clocks in and out so I'll know if he's there.
On top of that, I come home to litterboxes full of cat poop and a spot of diarrhea on the carpet next to the litterboxes! I am always the one to clean them and when he sees me doing it he goes "Oh if you would just wait a bit and not be so antsy to do that then I will go ahead and do it". So that morning I left it for him to do. Yet I come home to litterboxes that obviously had not been cleaned. The smell was horrendous! And the diarrhea was so gross, yet he was oblivious to the whole thing because he had to get his nap in from being so tired from staying home all day!
Oh AND our kittens are due for their final shots and our vet is only open 9-1 M-F so I had to take off a couple of days over the past few months to take them in for checkups, shots, spays. Seeing as how his job is strict about taking time off, I just went ahead and did it myself because I know that I will get it done. Well I tell him this past Monday that I was going to take them in for their final shots either Tues or Thurs (that's when the 20% vaccine clinics are) and just go into work a few hours late. He goes "No no no. I start 2nd shift on Thursday so I can take them in". I go "Are you SURE?" He goes "Well yeah, it's just up the road right?" So I trust that he will do this. Well Wed. night I say to him "So you are taking the kittens in tomorrow right?" He goes"Huh?" I say "The kittens. You are taking them in for their shots tomorrow?" He goes 'No, let me get acclimated to my new work schedule first. I may want to take a nap tomorrow morning. I will take them in next Tuesday." ARRGH!!! Really? You TOLD me you would do this! Well you didn't even GO to work on Thursday and on top of that you got off work at 1:30 PM on Wed and didn't have to go back until 2PM on Thurs. so you had plenty of time to sleep. But now when you are not getting home until 11PM and probably not going to bed until 3AM, you are going to want to get up and take them to the vet at 9AM?? No way! Even if you did get up at 9AM you'd need your hour or two to wake up, surf the net, take a shower and you wouldn't have time. Why didn't you just let me take them myself rather than promise me something I KNEW you were going to procrastinate?!
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Well I'd like to tell you what it's like to have the evenings to myself over the past few days, but I haven't had the chance to be alone yet! He was supposed to start 2nd shift last Thursday. It is now Tuesday and he has yet to go in. No texts or calls to anyone last Thurs/Fri and he had no repercussions from it. Yesterday he texts his new boss (who he has yet to meet!) and says that he injured himself on Thursday and had a doctor's appt yesterday so couldn't go into work. You know, because when you have a 30 minute doctor's appt you can't go to work! Plus you know, he couldn't have scheduled it for the morning before work! Plus, you of course wait 4 days AFTER you injure yourself to go see the doctor! He told his boss that he would be in today. Well I see he sent a text to his boss again at about noon today. I'm sure it says "Oh have another appt today with phys. therapist. Will be in tomorrow." Then tomorrow it will be "Oh doctor says I need to go see him again today. Will be in tomorrow". He doesn't even know this guy or his new coworkers yet and he's already missing 4 days of work!
He was doing so well for 4 months he went in EVERY day. Last month he missed a day for whatever reason so had to turn his FMLA on again so he wouldn't get a mark against him. Well I think we are on about day 7 of the last month where he hasn't gone in even though he tells me he only gets 4 days a month off with it.BS! Once he starts on this, he can't stop! And now being on 2nd shift it's even harder because he sleeps in and then lounges around playing his video game and watching tv and probably has a beer or two and by noon he decides "Meh, I'm having fun here. I don't think I'll work today". And everyday he tells me "Tomorrow I'm going in for sure". It never happens. He just says it to keep me happy until I come home and find him there. Why piss me off sooner when you can piss me off later, right??
Jo
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
What's his job that he still has one after not showing up for 4 days without notice??
A union job at a huge company
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
A union job at a huge company. He has FMLA which he abuses the HELL out of! He had turned it off for 3 months and guess what? He went into work EVERY SINGLE DAY for 3 glorious months! There was no temptation to take a day off because he was tired, or wanted to play video games or whatever. He didn't have that to fall back on and would be in trouble. However in late January he turned it back on because he missed a day. Now he supposedly can take up to 4 days a month off for FMLA, yet he has taken many more than that and somehow never gets fired. His vacation ends up being calculated every year by how many hours he works so he usually only ends up with 2 weeks, sometimes less, because every year he ends up with like close to 2 1/2-3 months of not working when all is said and done! Then as soon as his vacation and sick time renews, he uses that up within 2 months on stupid stuff like just not wanting to go to work so we can never actually take a vacation.
He has been on 2nd shift for about one month now. He already took 4 days off last month, The first day being the day he was to start on 2nd! He didn't show up there until 4 days after he was to start. Then he started on the 5th day and worked for 12 days straight without consequence. He worked this past Monday and has not gone in the past 3 days saying his neck is too sore. Oh poor baby!
And what I absolutely do NOT get is that he raves to me about how they will let him work as much overtime as possible and then tells me he's going to do that and maybe work Saturday too. Then the next day proceeds to not go into work for the next week! How can you be so amped to work OT and then just decide you aren't going to work for a week??!!
I have been ther
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is your H an alcoholic?
My H's work history took a nose dive once booze got into the mix. Before he started drinking, he'd waste vacation days, but he still went to work for other required days...and even worked over-time. However, once he became an alcoholic, things got MUCH, MUCH worse. Not only would he not show up for work, many times he wouldn't even bother to call (I would then call for him).
Since he'd been with the company for such a long time, he was given a lot of leeway. Finally, he had to go to rehab because his drinking was way out of control and he was barely showing up for work. After that, his job only lasted another 18 months and he retired once he learned that he was being laid off. Thankfully he had 30 years with the company and has excellent pension and benefits. (thank goodness!) But, booze really ruined the last 5 years of his work habits. Prior to booze, he was a top employee for 25 years...rising up in the company, excellent pay, promotions, etc.
I do agree with your point that once he gets up, plays around, gets settled with games, etc, that kills any motivation to go to work. Someone with ADHD and//or other issues is going to have a real hard time pulling himself away from "fun" to go to work.
Yes, yes, to the problem of "promises made,," and then repeatedly not kept. Yes, they often do "believe" their promises when they make them. And yes, sometimes it's easier for them to say promises and not let you learn the "bad news" (not going to work) later to avoid conflict.
As great as the idea of working a later shift sounded to you, it doesn't sound like it will work for your H because it just allows him to get distracted with fun.
Yes I do believe he is an
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Yes I do believe he is an alcoholic, but that isn't what keeps him from going to work. He keeps the excessive drinking to the weekends. He has always been able to drink a lot and still make it in to work everyday, whether he was tired or hungover. He doesn't usually come to bed drunk or anything, but like you said, it's the having all that time in the morning to hang out and get involved in his gaming and then he just decides he's comfy and doesn't want to go into work. This happened quite a bit when he ws on 2nd before a few years ago and I worked from home. At least when he worked on 1st he didn't have time to think, he just got up and was out the door in 10 minutes.
Before he got FMLA instated, he never took a day off. We even got tickets to go to a show on a Friday night when he worked 2nd and had no FMLA. We bought them months in advance and he told me he'd be able to get off. This show was primarily for him. The day came and he said "I just don't think I can get off tonight. You will probably have to go by yourself". Okay I'm not even really a fan of this person nd I am certainly not going by myself! Now if he has a headache or wants to play his video game he doesn't hesitate to take the day or the week off!
Oh and I looked at his text
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Oh and I looked at his text to his manager yesterday. He is supposed to be at work at 2PM and at 11:45 texts him "Am at a phys. therapy appt. Will be in tomorrow." Okay you are at a phys. therapy appt (which of course he was not!) 2 hours before you need to be in to work and this is keeping you from going to work at all??!! And him saying that he'll be in today doesn't mean squat! He's said that so many times and then the next days texts "Oh have another doctor's appt today and then phys therapy. Will be in Monday". When he worked 1st shift he would tell his manager that he had a doctor's appt at 7AM (when they don't even open until 8AM!) so he couldn't make his 5AM-1PM shift. Now that he's on 2nd, all of a sudden he can't get a fake appt before noon and then of course can't come in. Even if it is a real appt and he would be an hour late to work he has to take the WHOLE day off! Like this morning he really does have an appt at 10AM, but he won't get back from that until about 11:30 and he certainly won't want to just turn right back around in 1 1/2 hours and go to work. I mean jeesh, he's already been out for the day and it's silly to come back home and then go back to basically where you just were!!
And I have been looking forward to mowing the yard today. Yup, you heard me right! I mowed the front last week but the back needed to dry out. Now it's dry and it's really long. However, if he doesn't go into work today, I will not be mowing it until Monday. I don't need his criticism on how I do it. I especially don't need his criticism on how I weed whack afterwards, which is ALWAYS wrong! I want to do it at my speed my way. I can't do that when he's there. And god knows he's not going to mow it. Even when he does, he does a half ass job and I want to fix it, but can't do that while he's there!
Nope he didn't go in today.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Nope he didn't go in today. Like I said, him telling his boss he'll for sure be in tomorrow means NOTHING!! Like he was going to go in on a Friday after not being there most of the week! Guess my mowing will have to wait until Monday. Hopefully he will go back to work then seeing as how his 4 days for the month will be used up.
There is more to this than just ADHD....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I don't know what it is....but there's more to this than ADHD. As you've pointed out, saying that you have an appt doesn't mean you need to miss the whole day. I'm not a mental health professional, but there is such extreme denial going on and magical thinking..
I can't believe that he won't lose his job at some point.
He should have been in this
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He should have been in this new area at work for 22 work days now. He has only been there 14 days. He's missed two 4-day stints! I can't imagine not being at my job 8 days out of a month and not getting any reprimand for it! That's more than 1/3 of the time! I can't imagine being out more than 2 days a month every other month! And because his FMLA covers 4 days a month, he always takes all those 4 days and always right in a row. It's like he thinks he deserves them.
Should have known. He didn't
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Should have known. He didn't go into work today either! He used up his 4 days of FMLA and is on day 5 and I see online for our phone records he called the doctor's office about an hour before he was supposed to be at work. Probably has to go in and get a note for being out an extra day. That note will probably be good for the next couple of days because he has a dermatology appt tomorrow at 10 AM and I'm sure he won't come home from that and then go into work 1 1/2 hours later! Lets see today's excuse is probably "My neck hurts from working on the shelves over the weekend". Funny because yesterday you told me it was just fine. Thursday you told me you could have gone into work but just said screw it. I never got a reason for Friday.
It's like he thinks he deserves them.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
It's like he thinks he deserves them.
>>>
He has an entitlement problem. That may mean Narcissism PD, borderline PD or several other disorders.
I get home yesterday and find
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I get home yesterday and find him in the computer room. I'm fuming. I walk in there and say very sarcastically "What a surprise to find you home" His response? "Look, I have a cat on my lap". Well frickin' yippee yi yo! Way to change the subject! Then it hits him what I just said and he goes"Are you really surprised to see me home?" I say "Of course not". He goes "Oh really" all sad like how could I not have faith in him to go to work. Then he goes "Oh doesn't that smell good?" because he's smoking salmon out back. Most likely the reason he stayed home from work. He goes "Do you want to take a look at it?" I say very sarcastically "Do I!" He takes me out back and I am less than impressed. Awesome. You stayed home ot smoke salmon. You said you were going to start it before you left for work and then have me change out the chips when I got home. However, since I appear to be an idiot in anything you ask me to do I'm sure you thought you should stay home and take care of it. Then I don't say much and walk around the house cleaning the cat box, getting the coffee maker set up for the morning, feeding the cats you know because he couldn't do any of it all day. He goes back into the computer room and goes "Why are you walking around all mad?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I go "Oh I don't know". He then starts his cutesy talk with me trying to cheer me up. Calling me honey and sweetie and being oh-so-nice to me. I don't fall for it. I talk to him, but don't say much and certainly don't seem happy. That goes on all night until I go to bed. I go to bed at 9 and he says "I'm pretty tired. I'll probably be in shortly." I say "Yup" because I know he won't be. Every time he says that it pretty much means he'll be up for hours. Sure enough he doesn't come to bed until 12:30...3 1/2 hours later! He stayed up playing his video game at a very loud level never even considering I was trying to sleep. He turns on the furnace around 11:30 and it blows for an hour before he turns it off. I'm so hot I can barely stand it. He comes to bed and rubs my back and tries to be all lovey. He turns out the light and I am tossing and turning and he goes "What's the problem?" I say that I'm hot and I can't sleep.
This is where it starts turning the corner. See, I didn't fall for all his lovey-doveiness and I'm still upset. Usually I just brush it under the rug and put on my happy face and he wins. Well now this is where he starts turning it all around on me and now he feels he has every right to be mad at me for being mad at him because his charm isn't working on me. He goes "Oh and you not sleeping is all my fault, isn't it?" I don't say anything. He goes "No I see how it is." and turns over and goes to sleep. This is where I always give in and be all nice to him, but I didn't. I am sure he will not go into work today. 1) he has a dermatology appt at 10AM so he's not going there, then coming home for 1 1/2 hours and going back out to go to work and 2) I saw his text to his manager yesterday. It said "Just to let you know where things are at with me. I've been diagnosed with hemochromotosis and that is affecting my joints. I will keep you up to date with what is going on". He actually has been diagnosed with that, but he's had that for 2 years and never once used that as an excuse. Now all of a sudden his joints hurt too much to work. Funny, because last week it was all about how he had a sore neck and he had a doctor's appt one day, then a phys. ther. appt the next day, then a doctor's AND phys. ther. appt the following day and could never manage to make it in for work. Now it's ALL his joints. And by saying he'll keep his manager up to date, I'm pretty sure he has plans of being out most of the week. What boss is going to believe that a doctor has to see him like twice a week everytime he calls in sick for a sore back or sore neck?? And that he has to return to see the doctor the day after he just saw him for a sore neck?? They would give you a prescription and tell you to take it for a week and see if it helps and to come back if not. They don't tell you to come back the next day!
And if by chance he does go to work today, I know he will come home all indignant saying "Are you finally happy? I went to work!" What wife should have to applaud her husband for doing something that he should always do anyways? Am I supposed to go "Good job! Keep up the good work!"? Nobody else would put up with it, much less roll out the red carpet because he went to work after being out for no reason for a week!
Nope. Day 6 of not working.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Nope. Day 6 of not working. He should have clocked in at work 10 minutes ago and I just checked online and it shows him as not clocking in. Even when he knows how upset I am, even when I show my frustration, he STILL doesn't go into work! Let's see, maybe today he decided to start on the other shelves in the garage as he said he was thinking about yesterday. You know yesterday he couldn't go into work because he had to smoke some salmon. Today it's because he needs to build shelves. Also probably because he needs to eat some of the smoked salmon. Also because he was expecting a package. Anything to keep him home keeps him home.
For better or worse, this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
For better or worse, this shows that your husband's work-related behavior has nothing to do with you.
I never did think it had
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I never did think it had anything to do with me. Yet he doesn't respect how much it upsets me that he doesn't go in. He just keeps playing along like it's this hilarious game that he can get away with.
He has told me how much he likes his new area and everyone is so chill and how he is really enjoying it. So tell me WHY WHY WHY he is not going in for the tenth time in a month??!!
I guess my point is that if
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I guess my point is that if he respected how much this bothers you, he would have stopped skipping work long ago. I don't know his why.
I get home last night and
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I get home last night and just as I suspected, H pulled the "Oh I don't feel well and I'm going to be quiet" act because that is the way I was with him the night before. He sits on the couch reading his book while I sit next to him watching tv. He is polite, but not talkative. Then at about 6PM he gets up and starts making some chicken and rice for dinner. He never asked if I was hungry or if I was okay with eating that. After about an hour he says "Well dinner is pretty much ready, but I'm not really hungry". Well why the hell did you make all of that when you weren't even hungry and you didn't ask if I was? He's usually pouring drinks down his throat too, but him not drinking was going along with his little pity party. However, once I started engaging him and getting back to my old self, he just couldn't STOP pouring the drinks! Oh look, I feel great now! That is how it always goes. He knows I'm mad at him, he tries to get me to lighten up and when I don't then he turns it around and acts like he's all put out until I come around.
And another thing that I just realized. When he was on 1st shift, he was always playing his online video game all night. He'd be playing when I got home at 5PM and then play until around 6PM. Take a break until around 7:30 and go back on for the rest of the night. Now however, I come home and he's not playing it and actually sits with me until I go to bed at around 9PM and THEN goes on to play it. He was playing online with a guy he worked 1st shift with and is still on 1st. So this guy logs on around 4:30 and plays until around 8PM. H doesn't go on during those hours now because he's SUPPOSED to be at work and he doesn't want this guy to think he's skipping out of work. The guy would know he's online because H's screen name would show up. That just occurred to be a few days ago. Wow he really is deceiving EVERYONE!
I Stopped Enabling..
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
I stopped buying food for the house. I ate out, and grabbed something to eat in the car on the way home. I stopped buying soap/shampoo/conditioner. I squirrelled away sample foil packets and hid them. When he asked me to spot him until his next paycheck, I said I didn't have it. I'd buy trial size laundry detergent/sheets so there'd be just enough to use them on MY laundry. I'd separate mine from his and would only do mine.
I was never this way with anyone, but I had come to the point with my ex that I decided I was NOT going to enable him. He kept going back to daddy's house to bum money and do laundry and eat. I only found out after my breakup that he hit my mother up for $175 which he never paid back.
Oh and the video games? Mmm... the discs would just mysteriously disappear, one by one... ; )
I was also the one paying the cable/internet bill, so guess what also got cut off? I can sit at Panera with my laptop, so I'm fine.
I thought he would get a clue, but instead L cheated on me and found another sucker to mooch off of. Good riddens.
Day 7 of him not going to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Day 7 of him not going to work. That is all.
I've Had Non-ADHD BFs Do This...
Submitted by jenna-ADD on
I've had plenty of slacker non-ADHD boyfriends do this, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that his lack of motivation might not be so much an ADHD thing... especially if he's figured out a loophole (medical, union, etc.), they will more effort into "gaming the system" than actually being a responsible adult and doing what they are supposed to do. I guess it makes them feel like they are in control of something, even if they can't control themselves.
If he's too "sick" to go to work then he should be too "sick" to play video games too. My parents didn't play that game. If I was sick, I'd have to stay in bed in my room. I didn't have a free vacation day to watch TV.
I'm guessing he had to stay
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I'm guessing he had to stay home today to wait on his vacuum sealer that he ordered a few days ago to put his smoked salmon in. You know, the salmon that he had to stay home for on Monday and smoke. And the thing is, he doesn't do anything around the house. If I came home and found shelves built and lights put up and the backyard shed built, I wouldn't feel AS bad. But he does nothing but sit in front of his computer and take a nap. He doens't leave the house. He just seems so bored but still won't go to work.
I say to him last night "So
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I say to him last night "So what's up with work?" He actually says to me "What do you mean?" Stop playing dumb!! I say "Why aren't you going to work?" He says "I couldn't go back to sleep after you left this morning". Stop it, just STOP IT!!!! I'm tired of the "I barely got any sleep", "I have a stomachache", "My neck hurts", "My back hurts" stories that you use again and again as to why you can't go to work. My neck and back hurt for 2 weeks but I went to work. There was a week where I couldn't get any more than 3 hours a of sleep a night, but I went to work. Of course I don't bring this up because his response will most certainly be "Well you get to sit at a computer all day and surf the net if you want. I have to be alert and working on the factory floor." So of course it's MUCH worse for him! It's not my fault that you didn't come to bed until 3AM and then couldn't go back to sleep at all after I got up. You keep sayign you have to stay up late, which is total bs! And I really really doubt that was the case. You didn't even show up on Facebook until almost 11AM and if you were up, the first thing you'd do is head onto the computer and Facebook. You don't have to be to work until 2PM and you just couldn't go back to sleep? Because people who don't get enough sleep on a daily basis CERTAINLY can't be expected to go to work! Then it was "I thought I had a doctor's appt today so that's why I stayed up but then it turns out it's not until tomorrow. I'll go into work tomorrow and Friday. I need to start making all that money." Kiss of death right there because I know the more he talks about going into work and having to make a bunch of money, it's code for "I have no plans of going into work this week, but am just pumping you up about it so you won't be mad at me tonight". Plus he's got a doctor's appt so he CERTAINLY isn't going to go to that AND go to work in one day! He thinks it's all fun and games and has no respect that it angers me so much. He just keeps on doing it. And every excuse spirals into another excuse and all of these reasons are why he can't make it into work.
We haven't had sex in well over a month and he seems to have no interest in it. I keep hinting at it and ask him to come to bed when I do and he says he has to stay up late so he can sleep late in the morning. Why? So you can NOT go into work? I went to bed at 9:30 last night and he says "I'll be in shortly". I say "Whatever. Every time you say that you end up staying up another 3-4 hours". He gets all uppity "I've been up since 7AM. I'm tired!" Whatever! Funny how he gets that second wind the moment I go to bed. Sure enough, he didn't come to bed until 2AM. He couldn't go to work because he was too tired, but he can stay up until 2AM playing video games? Funny how that works! On top of that, for some reason his alarm went off at 11:45 last night and he had to come running in the room to turn it off. Thanks for waking me up for no reason! Oh if that had been me, I would have gotten some nasty comments about it, but he's just "really sorry" and I shouldn't be all upset about it.
I am fed up with the constant lies, half-truths, promises that I know won't happen. It's like 95% of the stuff he says anymore is just him trying to make himself look good. I really wonder if he loves me or ever loved me or I was just the best thing that came along for him at that moment and he was just too lazy to move on to someone else. Someone on Facebook last night had posted a rant about people that lie to her and how they should never lie to her. H's comment to that? "Amen!" I just shook my head.
I can't say much about your
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
I can't say much about your current situation with your H not going to work and making up lies and excuses.
However, regarding the lack of intimacy, I do have a few things to say. I learned to stop hinting at things that I want. Hints, no matter how clear I think them to be, are easily missed by a person with ADHD, at least for my boyfriend. I used to use a similar hint as you, saying "let's go to bed *wink wink*". It didn't work. All he'd think is "but I'm not ready to go to bed?" So, I became more clear in communicating my wants and needs (this applies not just to sex but pretty much anything). I felt stupid at first, saying "Let's have sex" but hey, it worked.
I think intimacy plays a big role in a relationship. I've read several articles that emphasize the importance of it. There's one blog where a woman did an experiment where she set a goal to be intimate with her husband every day for a month and it completely changed the dynamics of the relationship in a positive way.
Also, when you get him to bed and put him to work, when he's finished, he'll probably get comfortable and relaxed and fall asleep. It's science.
I just don't get how the most
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I just don't get how the most blatant of hints just don't register with him. And he is a very sexual person...at least he used to be. I'd say "Is this chocolate an aphrodesiac?" He'd go "I don't know. Might be". Then 2 minutes later I'd say "I'm feeling horny" just to get some reaction out of him. He'd say "Are you now?" and then go grab his guitar and start playing that! Even when I said the other night that we haven't had sex in a while he goes"Yeah I know. But I'm up for it whenever you are." Obviously not!
And yesterday I was talking on the phone with my mom, who lives 2000 miles away, and she says to me "So are you able to occupy yourself in the evenings now that H is working 2nd shift?". Do you know how badly I wanted to tell her that I haven't had a chance to get used to it because it's been 1 1/2 weeks since he's gone to work! Do you know how badly I want to tell her ALL about his behavior and attitude? Yet I paint him as this loving and awesome husband to her and all my friends.
Start telling the truth. You
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Start telling the truth. You don't have to include editorial comments; just say "he hasn't been going to work. I don't know why."
Day 8 and his PROMISE of
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Day 8 and his PROMISE of going in today of course fell flat. He has not logged in at work. LIES, LIES, LIES yet he doesn't seem to car that he is lying to me and giving me empty promises.
I walk through the door
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I walk through the door yesterday and find him in his usual spot of the computer room. Before I can get a word out he says "Before you say anything, yes I am going into work tomorrow. I went to the doctor today and had blood drawn and got a note and everything". Hell, I don't know when he has real and fake appts anymore. He always says he has an appt on one day and then that day he tells me he was mistaken, it is the next day. I say very sarcastically "You mean you are going in on a FRIDAY???" He goes "Yeah I'll work tomorrow and then I'll have the weekend off". Now why in the HELL should I believe you are going in tomorrow? You told me you were going in today and I knew you weren't. You told me you were going in last Monday and I knew you weren't.
It's now 2:05 PM and it does not show him as clocking in at work. Why should I be frickin' surprised?!
I agree....stop lying about him.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm not saying that you have to air all of your dirty laundry, but the fact that he gets to enjoy all this admiration that is undeserved is just enabling.
Sorry, I'm just so angry
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Sorry, I'm just so angry about all this!
He sends me a text yesterday at 2:45 saying "Guess I"ll be staying home today. Just got back from the doctor." Now which appt was this? He said he saw the doctor the day before...or at least that's what he told me! Plus, why in the hell can't you go to your job which starts at 2PM? It is 2:45 and you just got home from your appt so you can't work the rest of the day?? Oh that's right because you told me a few years ago it's like getting a warning on your record if you get in late! What bullcrap! A week after he told me that, he took his leisurely time getting up and going to work and was 30 minutes late. On that day he told me "Oh it's not a big deal if I show up late."
I come home fuming. He is sitting on the couch and I get a very weak "Oh...hi honey" you know because he is showing me how he just isn't feeling well for whatever reason. I say a terse hi and make my way into the kitchen. He follows me in there within 15 seconds and just starts telling me "So I went in for my blood draw (for his hemochromatosis which he really DOES have...I've seen the paperwork!) and well first they made me wait for like an hour and then when they took my blood I fainted and when I woke up I threw up and the one girl is saying "Jennifer, Jennifer come quick". Jennifer was the name of the nurse. And then they gave me some crackers and they made me stay there for a while and then I was just too woozy to go to work." The whole time he is telling me this I am going very sarcastically "Oh really? Oh poor thing." because how the hell am I supposed to believe him? To me it's just another one of his fantastical stories about why he can't go to work. Plus whenever he gives me such details about something and barely comes up for a breath, I can pretty much tell he's lying because otherwise I have to grill him for details. I say to him "You told me you went and saw the doctor yesterday, why would you need to go in today?" He goes "Yeah but today was the blood draw". He never did tell me what this supposed appt yesterday was...most likely probably because there WASN'T one. I did see two individually wrapped crackers on the counter so that made me believe him more about the situation. But the fact that he knew the name of this Jennifer and put her name in the story and then clarified she was the nurse (because he STILL talks about his ex Jennifer from years ago and probably wanted to make sure I didn't think it was THAT Jennifer) made me question it because he NEVER remembers people's names. Hell he just finally remembered the name of our one neighbor who he kept calling by a different name and that took him like 6 months to get into his head!
Are there any consequences for his actions?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I was just wondering if you've set any boundaries or consequences for your husbands terrible behavior? It's not just ADHD that makes him not go to work. He's gotten used to you supplying him with everything he wants and needs and he knows you're not going to do anything about it. He can handle a few remarks from you, because he can come back with a hundred more. But, if he has no absolutes to shape up or ship out, he will never change any of this behavior. Have you made any changes within yourself to change and prepare some thing for yourself if you decide to move on. You obviously don't need him, and maybe living on your own would be more peaceful and fufilling because you are already paying for all your own bills and household expenses. He contributes little to nothing, so maybe you'd have a GREAT life if you moved on. Just a thought.
I agree
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
He contributes little to nothing, so maybe you'd have a GREAT life if you moved on. Just a thought.
>>>
I agree. Why do you stay with him?
I'm too much of a doormat to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I'm too much of a doormat to move on. I've been with him for 10 years and don't want to rock the boat. I NEVER want to rock the boat in any relationship no matter how crappy it might be.
He won't talk to me about anything important. We haven't had sex in 6 weeks even though I continually drop hints. I sat in the bathtub last night with the door wide open. Anytime before he knew I was in the bath, he'd come in and take a look. Last night he gets about 2 feet from the door and asks if I'm in the tub and I say yes and he turns around before passing the door to look in. That makes me feel terrible. I went up behind him 15 minutes later and wrapped my arms around him and then moved them down to "that" area and he blatantly goes "it's limp". I say "What is going on? Are you no longer attracted to me?" He goes sarcastically "Yeah, THAT'S it!" I say "Well if it's not that then what is it? We haven't had sex in 6 weeks and I can count on one hand how many times we've had it since last October". He shrugs his shoulders and won't look me in the eye and goes "I don't know. Maybe I need a pill or something". I go "Well if it's not me then did you just lose interest?" He again shrugs his shoulders and says a very agitated "I DON'T know okay!' and then goes into the other room and starts talking to the cat and then goes into the garage and plays his guitar. I'm left standing nearly in tears because he won't talk to me about what is going on. He starts being all sweet with me later and puts his arms around me and calls me Sweetie and at one point cops a feel but that is all In bed he puts his arm around me but that is all.
Same goes for him not going to work. He won't talk to me about why he isn't going in, just promises me day after day that tomorrow he'll go in and then can't because he has a back ache or neck ache or not enough sleep and just can't make it in. If I get upset and ask him to tell me the real reason he gets upset and just walks away.
He will talk ad nauseum about his video games or his motorcycles but will not communicate with me about the really important things and if I push him, he just gets upset and leaves the room.
I have faith in you, Mapper.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have faith in you, Mapper. I know that you can choose to not be a doormat. Really!
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Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
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