I have been in a relationship with my friend who has ADHD for more than two years. What you didn't know is that I almost committed suicide in the fall of 2013. After we broke up during the summer of 2013, she immediately got into a relationship with her roommate for three months. I had "no-contact" with her during that time and it almost took my life. She came back and told me about and it hurt like hell. In the end, her impulsive and rash decisions caused her to be stalked by her ex-roommate and forced to pay child-support.
Her behavior hurt my family and friends deeply. She doesn't't realize how many people do NOT want anything to do with her. Her ADHD is out of control and there is nothing I can do about it!!! She thinks that I was manipulating her!!!--WTF???, She has no empathy what so ever. she can be very distance and close herself off from me. She says she is busy, but that is BS!!!
She is a divorcee of 11 years with 2 teenage daughters (that choose to live with their father) yet the girls don't realize that their mother was in a very abusive(domestic violence) marriage of 7-years by this man who happens to be a minister.
She can be all over the place. One minute she is doing this, the next she is doing that. Her house is never clean or organized (yet of lately, she has gotten better), She will say things to me without even thinking about it(very painful and hurtful things), she can get very impulsive, She gets really irritated FAST!!!, She lives from paycheck to paycheck (She has to pay child-support to her dead beat ex-husband), She doesn't think about the consequences of her actions and just do them. She is not very trustworthy at times and is pissed off at the world (Including me) She would call me one minute to spend time with me, the next minute she cancels!!!, She is a closet hoarder that keeps everything!!!, She will stay up throughout the night on the computer (she says she is working but she is on Facebook half of the time). She will procrastinate (its so bad, the girls have to trick her to tell her the event is at 11:a.m. ITS ACTUALLY STARTS AT 12:00PM!!!) She can get very hostile and we would argue a lot over stupid things.
I love this woman very much (and she know that) yet I AM EXHAUSTED!!!--Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy!!!--Its like I am living in a real live version of "Let's Make a Deal" when you are trying to see what is behind door number 1-2-3! The victim of domestic violence (I can understand), but the ADHD, I am having a really hard time with. I am the most patient, loving and very understanding person in the world, but MY LORD, it feels like I have gone 12-rounds with her in a street fight!!!
I need some support! I love her and I want to marry her, I know what I am getting into, But I need some "Lord help me" Advice. She is on medication but I don't see her take as often as I would like (Hell, I would buy stock in it if it would help!!!), But I do love her very much but I could use some advice--Please!!!
You say you almost killed
Submitted by gatorman on
You say you almost killed yourself for this woman and now you want support for wanting to marry her? I think the "Lord help me" advice is pretty laid out there for you. She is not going to change, so don't expect it to change. She won't ever be clean, she will say insulting things, she will be impulsive, and she will live paycheck to paycheck. Oh, and she is going to cheat on you again. Do you really want to live like this? By choice? My advise? Stop being a doormat. You are not a victim here. Having ADHD is not a reason or excuse to be disrespectful. She knows the difference. She also knows you will cowtow to her every wishes and will continue to stomp all over you.
You have one chance at this life. Spend it with someone who makes you a better person.
You have sounded your own warning bell!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
ericlovesconnie,
I am tipping towards agreement with gatorman here. You say you love this woman, whose name I am assuming is Connie. However, she sounds fairly abusive to me. When I read what you have written, it leaves me wondering if there is a lot more going on then just ADHD. Does she use drugs or alcohol? If not, I wonder if she might be bipolar, or is in some other way somewhat unstable. I can appreciate that she was in an abusive relationship for a number of years, and that can wreak havoc with anyone's psyche, but it begs the question of why she is choosing to now turn around and abuse you. If she's been a victim, she knows how awful that feels. Why would she want to do that to someone she loves?
I suggest before you seriously consider marriage, you think long and hard about why you want to submit to the kind of treatment you have described here. It does not bode well for a healthy relationship going forward.
Really angry and fustrated!!!
Submitted by ericlovesconnie on
Thank you both for your comments.
She told me that she had ADHD when we began seeing each other. I don't know what else I can do. We have been together for two years and for the most part. its been rough. I don't ADHD is and maybe I am not explaining what is really going on because I am frustrated and really angry with her. One minute she is here and the next she is there...She tells me that I irritate her and I don't know if I am coming or going.
I suffer from BDP (Borderline Personalty Disorder) yet I have been dealing with my BPD but this has not been easy. We never had these kind of issues and in fact, we had a good relationship until some events took place and everything began to tailspin out of hell!!
All I am going on that she told me that she has ADHD. I don't want to bad mouth this person. I really do love her yet something is really wrong and I don't know what else I could do!
I don't want to hurt myself yet I don't want to keep riding her roller coaster either.
It sounds a bit more than
Submitted by copingSAH on
It sounds a bit more than just ADHD, not just for your partner but between the two of you...
With my spouse, it's hard to know some days the conflicts we have arise from the ADD, his dysfunctional upbringing, or my depression/dysfunctions. Like when two chemicals combine, there's likely to be a reaction and with us, it's the sudden fits of overfocus/accusations that is explosive and crushing. I don't know if it just stimulates my ADD partner although it feels like it does. So of course if you are dealing with your own particular set of issues, then you transfer your own issues into the dynamics. You need to figure out if the highs/lows stimulate you enough to stay, or there are self esteem issues, or you just don't have a gauge (other relationships that are healthier) to compare it with.
I know I didn't really give advice but I'd say you probably want to examine your reasons for why you wish to stay. And how devoted you are to your partner and how much you are willing to try to accommodate and/or change and grow (or lag behind) with her. Could you handle another impulsive affair? It has only been 2 years... can you see yourself after 22 years of the same? The one thing my ADD spouse and I have despite the intense highs and lows is that all's forgiven by bedtime, or within 24 hours. But it is still a emotional and neurological and mental rollercoaster and you either get off exhilarated or you get off the ride wiped out.