I Live in Complete Chaos!

I have been married to an undiagnosed ADHD husband for 11 years.  This site makes me realize I am not crazy afterall...!  It's also a little sad because I have been living in total stress, exhaustion and chaos for SO long.  It has affected my health, my credit (I now have none), my sex life, my family, and obviously my marriage.  I am currently considering divorce. 

My husband is the HYPER in ADHD.  In fact, when I started researching what could be going on with him, he shows almost every sign of the manic side of a bipolar person....he's super high energy, sleeps very little, is very excited and happy, extremely impulsive, and can get into talking 'fits' where I have to ask him to be quiet for a minute... He is very funny and has a larger than life personality which is what attracted me to him in the first place.  However, the flip side of this excitement and impulsivity is that when he has an idea, he suddenly has to do it.  Whether it's buying a new car (we've had more than 20 in the past 13 years -- he once borrowed my car one day and came home with a different one), starting his own real estate business (in addition to a full time job where he already puts in 70-80 hours a week) which included 4 houses in a few months; now all are upside down or in foreclosure.  I stopped answering my home phone because of all the mortgage companies calling my house.

In five years he changed jobs 5 times.  The 4th job fired him (according to him, the supervisor was a jerk and 'had it out' for him), and the only reason he hasn't left his 5th job is that no one else will hire him.  He's very smart and excels in his profession, but he has been accused of 'trying to wear too many hats'.  He always tests at the top of the list, but has been passed up for promotions twice.  Once again, it's the supervisor's fault.  He finally was promoted last year to a job he liked, but a few months later decided he wanted to apply for ANOTHER position.  Oh, and at the same time, decided to interview at a completely different company.  Every time he does this, he comes home and I have to ride the emotional roller coaster ride.  Will he get it?  WHY didn't he get it?  Should he leave the company altogether?  It's so-and-sos fault he didn't get it.  At least it's better than what he used to do; decide to changes jobs without even telliing me.

Early in our marriage I dealt with the anger outbursts.  Everyone saw him as this happy-go-lucky guy and would never know he had broken our bedroom door one night when he kicked it in (I was 8 months pregnant and had locked him out of our bedroom after he kept telling me he'd be home in an hour and showed up 5 hours later).  We'd fight because I'd think he had driven off the road because he was supposed to be home hours ago...but instead he would've just forgotten to call.  After our second child, he had an affair with a woman at work b/c I wasn't 'attentive' enough to his needs.  I ended up staying with him because I was afraid of trying to raise two babies by myself.  He actually became an outstanding father....partly because he likes to do what they do!  He'll sit on the floor and play Legos for hours.  He draws pictures with them.  Watches cartoons.  They are the center of his universe and I am out in orbit.  And while all this is going on, I'm doing all the chores.  I'm often saying, "Why do YOU get to be the fun parent?"

Someone wrote their ADHD spouse is a guest at his own party.  That is my husband.  In preparation for a party, he will spend the entire time cleaning the room no one will BE in (the garage) while I run around doing everything else.  He can't cook on the grill because he forgets the food is out there.  I now mow the lawn because I'd rather just have it done than fight about it.  I've found the milk in the cupboard, important mail filed before it's even been opened, we pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars in fees to the bank because he can't balance his many accounts.  I don't bother to ask him if he knows where something is that I set down; he could have put it away two minutes before and not remember.  I've sat in the dark with my kids doing homework by candlelight because he forgot to pay the electric bill.  Practically everything has been turned off at some point because he forgets to pay the bills (and because we have so many bills coming in from all the other houses).  Our home remodel ended up costing over $60,000 more because he kept wanting to add more to the project.  We are in a constant state of stress!  And he wonders why I'm not in the mood for sex??? 

Even with all of this, we have managed to survive and in the past 6 months we have been able to enjoy being together.  He's still the person who can make me laugh and we have two incredibly thoughtful and caring kids.  We were both commenting that it's the happiest we've been in a long time....and then last week I found out he recently began emotional affairs with TWO different women online.  I was in shock.  When I asked why, he said he didn't even know himself.  Because I don't desire him.  And he's right.  But it's hard to be intimate in the middle of a tornado.

So, here I am.  Afraid of changing who my children are and will be by breaking up our family, and not sure I have the energy needed to even try to fix this nightmare.  He says he'll go to counseling, but he's not one of those people who is searching for answers.  If he were sitting here he could explain every one of my complaints above.  I would really like to stay with him, but if we can't find the help we need, I don't think I can go on any more like this.  I am emotionally and financially exhausted.  Help.

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