My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 wonderful children (one of which was recently diagnosed with ADHD and depression). Last summer, my wife told me she was leaving me because I was depressed and wasn't doing anything about it. I since talked to my Dr., got on medication, started an exercise regimen, and started seeing a mental health professional. She saw my efforts and agreed to couples counseling if I would grant her a trial separation. She now leaves the house two nights a week to stay at a friend's house to, "get away from feeling trapped."

My wife was never formally diagnosed but always told me that she has ADHD and Obstinate/Defiance tendencies. I never thought much of it. I just thought that it meant she was stubborn and easily distracted. My therapist mentioned this web site and I checked it out. Now everything I thought was reality has been turned upside down. I have been shouldering all of the blame for our marriage issues to date. I have made real and lasting changes in my life thinking that would be the answer to our problems. I am now on an upward path as an individual but haven't seen much change in our relationship. I thought that my wife's main issue was anger but I couldn't understand why her anger wasn't dissipating. I now better understand the role ADHD may play in that anger.

Things began to get bad as soon as we started having children. She got less and less intimate with me and began burying herself in work and school. I began to get depressed and she began getting angry. Things just kept growing worse as the years went by. She could have an intense angry outburst and say incredibly hurtful things one minute and then act like nothing was wrong the next. I began developing power and control issues with her. She came on to my cousin once and now has recently "pursued" another relative of mine. She claims that she didn't do it knowingly. She spends much more time in bars drinking than she ever has before. She has driven drunk on at least two occasions that I am aware of.  I spoke to her mother about this out of desperation and this really made her angry. There is so much going on that I could go on forever. The bottom line is this: I was accepting the blame for her behavior.

What do I do now? I love my wife dearly and can see a life together that is better than we ever could have imagined. She is my best friend. She is intelligent and driven. She can be a great mother (although her dedication has waned lately). She blames me for feeling trapped. I can no longer take all of the blame. How do I reach her and convince her that she should look at treating her ADHD? For the first time in our life together, I feel like I would terminate our marriage if she isn't willing to address this.