I was just shoved!

I feel like I'm on here every other day with some new horrible development, but my adhd partner just shoved me hard out of our bathroom.  The door was open and he was in there getting ready to take a shower.  I had cut my finger so I walked in to get something to put on it and I've been in the bathroom when he's in there all the time so you can imagine my shock when he started yelling at me to get out.  I was so stunned actually that I guess I didn't move fast enough for him because he then proceeded to shove me out the door physically!  I am in such a state of shock right now, but the worst part is that he's now upset with me for being upset.  He's downplaying the whole thing by saying that he was "escorting" me out of the bathroom and that it wasn't a violent act.  When I said that women have called the police on their husbands for shoving them he said that was a stupid reason to call the police and that they are over reacting by doing so.  He is now angry with me and saying that I'm making it out to be something it wasn't.  Maybe it wasn't as violent as it could have been but he was EXTREMELY annoyed when he shoved me.  What do I do???  How can I get him to understand that this is NOT ok, never justifiable, and that I'm not blowing things out of proportion?  He seems to think that when other people shove their partners it's abusive but when he does it, its justifiable "because I wasn't leaving fast enough".  I keep telling him that there is never an excuse to push someone because they aren't doing what you asked them to immediately.  The fact that he's just brushing it off and saying that I'm overreacting is almost worse than the shove itself.   We weren't arguing or anything before this.  In fact things were good today between us.  It just makes no sense what-so-ever. 

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I agree with you, being

I agree with you, being shoved is unacceptable.  And then adding insult to injury by denying what he did.  

Since violence in a

Since violence in a relationship tends to get worse over time, not better, I would lay down some very clear boundaries with him right now. Let him know that touching you in any way when he is irritated or angry is NEVER ok. Tell him that should he ever become physical with you again, whether hitting, shoving, or whatever, because you do not know what he is capable of (and you don't -- you said there was no cause for the outburst), you will call the police to be sure it is documented, in case you should ever need it. AND DO IT.

You must not argue about the ifs, ands, or buts of this, and you must make it clear that there will be NO discussion. You will call the police if touched, "escorted", shoved in any way whatsover if YOU feel it is threatening. End of story. Otherwise, they will argue you to death.

I almost let my X off the hook by just leaving after he punched me in the face. But then I realized if there was no police report, it would fade away into his sea of denial, and no one would ever believe me. I didn't go to court, so he wasn't prosecuted -- but I did call the police and file a report so he could not deny what happened. And the hassle he went thru stopped any more physical confrontations.

 

 

Bad Analogy maybe, but....

I feel like he's a wild animal.  Like all those stories you hear of people befriending wild animals that they are so convinced love them and would never hurt them and then just one day "bam" the animal attacks without warning.  That's exactly how I feel.  Like I've taken in a stray wild animal that I think has been domesticated.  Last night after I wrote my post, I was in the living room listening to him rationalize away why it was ok to do what he did and I was secretly recording him on my phone so that he couldn't deny it if any authorities or family members had to get involved.  When he saw me holding the phone the way I was I suppose he assumed I either had someone on the other line or was recording it and he attacked me.  He grabbed me hard and forcefully wrenched the phone out of my hand.  I hid in my car without a coat or shoes and called a domestic abuse hotline with a different phone I had in my car.  It really helped talking to them and they helped me see that you cannot rationalize behavior like that, there is never excuse.  Sure recording him is upsetting to him and he may not have liked it, but that didn't give him the right to grab me the way he did and take it from me.  He still today thinks it was wholly justifiable "because of what I was doing (i.e. recording him).

Also today, he kicked me hard in the leg because I "coughed too loudly".  This is getting very serious.  I am going to tell him that from now on touching me physically in any manner out of annoyance/irritation/anger, or "roughhousing" as he called the phone incident and leg/cough incident will be reported to the police.  Sure he'll balk and make crybaby noises and tell me that it's some feminist liberal PC bullshit but I think secretly it will scare him enough that he won't think about it ever again.  He keeps saying things like that this is just what people do, his brothers and sisters did this stuff when they were kids etc. and that if I hadn't been an only child I wouldn't be blowing this all out of proportion.  Yeah, except that we're adults now and that this is not how adults behave (he says his friends still are this way with him and when I ask him which friends he changes the subject).  If he does anything like it again, I will file a police report without saying a word to him no matter how ridiculous he thinks it is.  What hassle did it cause for your ex when you filed your report? 

I think you should move out.

I think you should move out.  You could be seriously injured or killed the next time he attacks you.

What hassle?

When he punched me (he tried to force me to kiss him in the kitchen one morning and I pulled away and said no), I froze then said, "I'll just leave." I ran upstairs, called a friend, and on her advice called the police quietly right then. I stayed in the bedroom with door locked until the police arrived, then I zoomed down the stairs and ran outside with them. They interviewed both of us separately outside, in front of the world, and put handcuffs on him and took him to the police station (maybe jail for the night? I don't know). He was not allowed to come home for 3 days, which gave me some time for planning. He was suspended from his job for several months and almost lost it. He had to hire an attorney because I left the state and he didn't know if I would show up at his court appearance or not.

It did scare him enough not to hit again. However, he once threatened to shoot me (later saying it was his and his sister's favorite phrase when they were playing together as a child....   so funny, hahaha -- sure.) And unfortunately, he learned how to be very passive aggressive after this incident. He got much better at covering his other crazy behavior, and substituted hitting the table with his fist, still screamed and yelled and raged,  but he didn't hit again.

I had some injuries to my vision, but didn't really look beat up, so to speak. But if you make the call, I think you get to decide whether a report will be written up and if they have to leave for awhile. Just tell them you are scared because of this and his previous behavior and that should be enough. Particulars may depend on the state. You might also call a shelter. I think sometimes just exposing their behavior to lots of other people can be enough to make them think first.

Abuse is about control. And abusive people act abusive when they feel they are loosing control. Without therapy, the situation is not likely to improve. I agree with Rosered -- that you should start planning to leave. ecause the more you try to assert yourself, gain confidence, and try to sway the relationship toward equality, the more control he loses.

Hi clf2012, That isn't ADHD

Hi clf2012,

That isn't ADHD behavior; it's simply crazy behavior.  He's in total denial, blaming you, and (this part might have some ADHD component, but IT DOESN'T MATTER) will likely remember it differently anyhow.  Shoving you out of the bathroom?  Kicking you because you "coughed too loudly???????"  That is total bullshit.  That's juvenile, stupid, and asinine, not to mention violent and let me say it again, CRAZY.  You don't deserve that!  He can't justify it.  He will sound like a moron if he attempts to justify that  to anyone else.

He simply references our litigious society because it's his way of rationalizing that YOU are overreacting.  What else is he going to say to defend himself.  Let's blame an invisible enemy instead of taking responsibility! 

Yes, many kids get into scuffles with their siblings.  But they are kids, and hopefully (!) they LEARN FROM IT!!!  I bet he wiped his nose on his sleeve and pooped his pants when he was little, too.  That doesn't fly anymore.  For him to even reference that is beyond repugnant

Best of luck in whatever you choose!

ADHDMomof2

second post

clf,

I just read the second post you made after replying to the first. Seriously, my dear: get the hell out of there, at least for now. He will argue you to death, he will rationalize and explain it. He will say ANYTHING to make it ok, including that it is "feminist liberal PC bullshit." (Mine would say, "You are all haughty, like what you do is ok and what I do is not...") I heard it all. I was humiliated--I was a bright, successful woman with an advanced degree, beautiful kids, and a great job. And my STBX started off by spitting on me when we argued. Over a few years he graduated to chest bumping me out of the front door. I know it is hard to process and shocking, and you are looking for that guy that you knew that would never do anything like this, but he is not there right now. What he did is called assault, and it is illegal. Write down every detail of what he did before you forget. 

You may not have to do anything with it, but I wouldn't wait and give him a warning if he is simply deflecting and making it ok. Ask yourself what you would say to your sister or best friend if her spouse or boyfriend kicked her in the leg, wrenched a phone out of her hand, and shoved her. If you saw a character go through this in a movie? At the least, tell him that if he will not meet with you at a counselor's office, then you cannot live with him any longer. 

Seriously, please---mine started like this, and escalated. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who would do this to you, or someone who would defend his actions after doing this to you? If you need strength, look up "domestic abuse." 

There are many who advocate working and sticking it out in marriage, and I understand this point of view, but being in a physically abusive relationship is an exception for EVERYONE. There is something going on in his brain that is making this ok or at least making him defend what he did! Remember, you called a domestic abuse hotline and they told you that what he is doing is NOT OK!! Take care of yourself! At the least, maybe if you go stay somewhere else, he will wake the hell up. Best to you. 

so sorry

clf, 

I am so sorry. I know how you feel, because I have been there. I put up with my STBX doing things like this and the subsequent feelings of being appalled, flabbergasted, and broken hearted that he would do ANYTHING to explain, deflect, and justify what he did. 

I am not sure what to tell you if he won't come around pretty quickly. I suppose everyone deserves a moment of bad judgment or something they wish they could take back, but a man shoving a woman is abusive, pure and simple, and if he isn't questioning everything about that moment, then he sounds like he is firmly in the state of denial, deflection, and whatever it is about such minds that would seriously do anything to make their actions ok. 

This is definitely not just ADHD. If you are invested in trying to work this out, could you get him to a counselor with you asap who could explain to him from an objective perspective that this is not ok, and put it in some perspective for him? Could you give him an ultimatum and tell him if he doesn't go or seek some anger management counseling or whatever, that there will be consequences you are comfortable with? 

I am just so sorry you have to go through this. It is tough to process that an intelligent, committed person you love is capable of such things and then to make it worse, is not even on the same planet with you after it happens. Be careful. I don't want to be an alarmist, but I sat there so stunned, and tried for so long each time to "make him see" with my STBX, that I ended up being in an abusive relationship for years. Take care of yourself. Listen to your gut. Hugs to you. 

My ADD husband has never

My ADD husband has never physically assaulted me.  He has been emotional, mentally, and verbally abusive and has justified everything.  Somehow it was all my fault, I was exaggerating, I took something the wrong way, I had no business doing x to cause him to do what he did, blah, blah, blah....  He never does any wrong.  Recently, he has apologized for some of his actions and admitted that he couldn't admit to himself that he was the one to blame.  ADD, man thing, or just flat out CHILDISH... I don't know.

Just a couple of weeks ago we were in bed watching tv.  He moved his leg not knowing where mine was and his knee hit my leg.  An accident, no biggie.  We always tease so, when I got hit I said ouch and you just kicked me.  Immediately, he pipes up I didn't kick you.  And I'm looking at him like are you crazy, your leg just made contact with my leg.  I told him you most certainly did why are you acting like a child immediately saying it wasn't me, I didn't do it, etc...  He then started to argue meanings, he said he nudged me.  I finally, asked what is wrong with you?  You accidentally "nudged me", "kicked me" whatever.... why are you arguing word definitions for something so stupid as opposed to just saying I'm sorry, I didn't mean to?  He gave me an excuse of constantly having to get himself out of trouble since childhood and that it's a habit.  No matter what happens he's the kid in the room going it wasn't me, covering whatever infraction up, lying, and laying blame.

I don't know if this could be what's going on with you significant other.  I absolutely do not believe shoving or "escorting" is acceptable, I'm just addressing the constant excuses and throwing blame as a well developed habit.  

Since my husband has finally admitted it is just a habit with him, I point it out.  It's being bullied, plan and simple.  I'm no longer giving in to his bullying ways.  I'm not taking the excuses and allowing him to blame me somehow for his misbehavior.  I used to take it and try to argue my point, explain, find something online to support my thoughts, feelings, actions, even looking up definitions to words, etc...  I tried rational discussion.  I am not doing it anymore.

I even called him a bully last week with his loud argumentative tone that I somehow was imagining.  I told him I'm not crazy, I'm not imagining, and one of these days I'm going to get a nanny cam of some sort and record the way you talk to me.  I don't even think I have to go that far, he knows, he's always blamed me or his attitude that I've taken that way, that I want something to be mad at.  It's his inability to control himself and his habit of always throwing blame for his weaknesses.  Well, I'm simply done.  I'm not taking it.  He will either stop or I'm leaving.  I'm worth far more than he treats me.  I do still love him and the good still out weighs the bad.  Now I'm a little more educated about ADD and A$$HOLE.  :)

I hope things work out for you.  I hope you are able to nip this in the bud way quicker than I did.  Hopefully, you will make him realize this is a habit he has developed a defense mechanism for not being able to apologize for his wrong doing.  I also hope you don't allow this to turn into you becoming a battered woman.  Please, if you haven't already left and he hasn't gotten help, seek help or leave if he ever assaults you again.

My husband would verbally

My husband would verbally "escort" me out of the house, out of the car, it drove me crazy because my blood pressure always shot up from being mentally pushed like that because there was aggression behind the words. I started responding to him right on the spot (no thinking about it, or revisiting later):

"you don't get to do this to me. I'm your WIFE."

or

"I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I'm your WIFE." 

I didn't argue back and forth. Just said it and walked away (figuratively). I kept this up every time he was pushing me out the door or out of the car or having any kind of verbal rage attack and he has pretty much stopped doing it. I think it is easy for my dh to forget that I'm not a wayward child, not a disobedient pet. I'm the partner he promised to respect and cherish in his marriage vows.

get professional help

get a therapist to work out what's going on right now.  If that doesn't work get out.

MagicSandwich's picture

Respectfully, when a partner

Respectfully, when a partner shoves you - the right thing to do is leave. Get the therapist later. 

Scared and angry

Where do I begin? My husband of almost 2 years has a terrible temper, takes a simple conversation we are having and turns it around that he thinks I am attacking him and trying to start an argument when I wasn't at all. He then gives me the silent treatment and runs off to go to his dad's house in the valley and proceeds to talk to his ex girlfriend the whole way over to his dads house and I found out this morning he has talked to her all the way back too. I have texted him several times saying "I love you and did you have fun'? and he has not replied to me at all. Yet I can see on our cell phone account that he is still texting his ex girlfriend this morning.

He flys off the handle for the littlest things and turns it around to make it seem like I am at fault for things he does. If I ask him to do something like take the trash out or something or please fix the pickup he says I am nagging. He is a bad alcoholic and lies to me all the time. He says hes going to quit drinking then he goes and buys beer, goes to the bar and comes home drunk, then he is way way awful to me to where I cant be in the same room. He is very controlling and has so many anger issues. He treats me so awful I cry a lot. If he catches me crying he says for me to stop blubbering and stop looking for pitty.

I have a lot of health problems and now im having stomach problems because he cause me so much stress. Im afraid ill end up with an ulcer. When we first got married, I had no Bills, all my cards were paid off, well he had bad money problems, (I didnt realize how bad till after we were married and I was living here) and he insisted we use all of my credit cards to catch up on his back bills. Now all my cards are maxed out. My health is to bad to work and that leaves him with making the money. Sad things is, there have been days that he just didnt want to work and stayed home. Now we are behind on paying bills and he says he doesnt care if checks bounce. 

I have cried so much because I do love him and he can be sweet and kind but lately he is acting like he is ADHD and BIPOLAR. The funny thing is, because of how he acts and it makes me cry, he is going around telling people that I am BIPOLAR which is FARRRRRRRRRRRR from the truth. He is the one who screams and yells, throws things, breaks things, and flys off the handle at the drop of a hat. I just dont know what to do. I have had people tell me to leave him, but I have NO MONEY at all since my cards are maxed out and no place to pack or put all of my stuff. We just bought a house a few months ago and just got all my stuff out of storage.. I dont feel safe at all. I feel like im not safe to unpack all of my things. With him screaming, yelling and cussing at me, and now hes talking to his ex girlfriend and has ignored my text messages I have no idea what awaits when he comes home. More then likely he has stopped at a bar or somthing and still talking to his ex girfriend. I had been married before to a very abusive man and when I met my current husband he gave me all the sweet talk, he said he would treat my like a queen and that I never have known love till I come marry him and so on so on. FAR FROM THAT!!! I do all the work around the house, he never lifts a finger to help me, he never brings me flowers or even a card. He doesnt like hugging and even sex is the worst! Its always wham bam thank you mam! Even if I am sick or in pain, he makes me take care of him and I dont get anything out of it. Right now its been over a month since we have had sex together. He made me take care of him several times this month but he ignores my needs. How do I deal with all of this? I have knot in my stomach not knowing how he will act or treat me when he gets home.......

So sorry

I have a knot in my stomach just reading this.  Call a women's shelter hotline just to talk.  They know what resources are in the community to help you.  you say you LOVE him.  They will help you to draw a line between NEEDING this person who does not love you and actually being in a partnered relationship.  They may be able to talk to you about why you find yourself in this relationship and give you the possibility to start again with someone who really loves you.  They do not charge you.  I know you are afraid.  The quicker you get help, the quicker you can feel better.  

sorry, too

Tired, I am sorry, too. Your post makes me sick inside as well. I know you may feel trapped--I know you can't believe it and all you want is for him to be different. You know what it is to be with an abusive man. So step back for a minute. You say he yells and swears at you. You say he is an alcoholic and may cheat on you. He "made" you put his bills on your credit cards, which you did to make him happy, even though now you are left holding the bag. He is controlling and has anger issues. What are you doing putting up with this?

Jenna is right. You need to see someone immediately for some help. (I have a little experience with this myself--I am not judging you). This man is going to take you down with him if you continue the way that you are going. You need to find out why would you be with someone who is so abusive toward you. I know, it is scary, and you are worried about money, but it does not even sound like he is working or providing for you anyway. Why would you unpack your things? 

I hope that this works out for you. I would not stay one more minute. You can do it.