If You Are Engaged to Someone with ADHD

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon, 04/20/2009 - 11:27

There have been quite a few comments lately on this site suggesting that people should avoid marrying someone with ADD. This advice makes me very uneasy and I would like to weigh in on it.

Statistically speaking, about 50% of ALL marriages entered into these days end in divorce. That’s not great odds. If a doctor said to me “If you eat these raspberries, you have a 50% chance of dying” I would give up raspberries immediately. But satisfying relationships aren’t like a food you can give up and replace with other nutrients. I don’t know about you, but I feel that the potential upside of having a great relationship is worth that 50% statistical risk of heartbreak (which is, after all, less final than death).

The folks who say “stay away from ADD” are suggesting that marrying a person with ADD increases your chances of heartbreak. Certainly, research suggests that people who have ADD are more likely to be in dysfunctional relationships (the jury is out on whether or not they are more likely to divorce – one study says yes, another says no). But there are other things that add to a person’s likelihood for divorce which these folks aren't mentioning. When was the last time someone said to you “Don’t marry someone whose parents got divorced! It increases your chances of heartbreak” or “Don’t marry someone with a family history of depression…”

Statistics are averages. What is important to you is what will your specific relationship look like? The people who are saying “stay away from ADD” know nothing about your specific relationship, only their own unsuccessful one.

I would like to give you some questions to ask yourself about your relationship to better assess whether it has a chance of being in the 50% that lasts. These ideas take ADD into account, as that’s only smart. But you’ll note that they are also just generally good relationship suggestions...so consider this pre-marriage counseling with an ADD twist. For this exercise, I will assume that the non-ADD partner is female, and the ADD partner is male.

Do you love him as he is today? If he never changed a thing, would you cherish being with him? Or do you secretly wish you could change him? Too many women fall for the “Beauty and the Beast” myth – that is “if I only love him enough he’ll overcome his faults and we will live happily ever after”. Reality is quite different. What you see today is what you will get tomorrow, with one exception, which is…

If he stopped hyperfocusing on you, would you still love him? People with ADD find courtship so intensely stimulating that they often hyperfocus on their partner. The recipient of this hyperfocus feels intensely loved and cared for. But hyperfocus ends – always – and the relationship looks quite different afterwards. In order to be able to survive that shift, you need to know that you can communicate clearly and safely with each other, and that there is a strong foundation in place – shared values and interests, similar styles in how you live in your home (messy, neat, organized or not), and desire (or lack of it) for a family. Financial compatibility is also critical (see next question).

What does your financial situation look like? Do you both have the potential to hold jobs and support the responsibilities of marriage and a family? Some people with ADD have spotty work track records or are financially impulsive (gambling, lots of debt, etc). If this is the case with your potential partner, don’t gloss over it. Addictive behavior and risk-taking are often part of an ADD personality and can be very hard on a marriage (just ask anyone whose husband just gambled away $50,000 or took on significant dbt without her knowledge.) If you see these characteristics, take a step back and give yourselves enough time before marrying to verify that you will make a financially responsible couple. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were the sole bread earner for the family.

Are you flexible and ready for adventure? The best ADD marriages I’ve seen are those in which the non-ADD spouse values flexibility and adventure over perfect organization. You can be a good organizer (as I am) but you must have the ability to at least tolerate confusion and last minute changes if you are going to live successfully with someone with ADD.

How well do you communicate about difficult or highly emotional issues? Have you developed healthy ways to work through your differences? Every marriage has tough conversations and ADD can add even more of these. If your current way of solving problems together is to put them off, walk away from them, or never resolve them, then you should work hard to develop good communication skills before you tie the knot. If you have no method of satisfactory conflict resolution (and by that I don't mean one spouse always giving in), rethink your plans.

Does your spouse accept his ADD? Does he take responsibility for making sure it’s not interfering in his life? Does he understand that his ADD can affect you? Most people who accept their ADD and take responsibility for it can manage it so that it will not interfere significantly with their lives. But a spouse who denies his ADD is trouble.

Call me cautious, but marriage is a bigger, more varied commitment than most who are embarking upon it realize at the time. Infatuation and our own complex dreams about “happily ever after” cloud our vision about what is arguably one of the most life changing decisions we will ever make. For everyone, ADD or not, it makes sense to step back and ask some tough questions. For people who have fallen in love with someone with ADD my advice would be to take your time. Give yourselves plenty of opportunity to understand what your life will really look like once the hyperfocus has stopped, and once you’ve become familiar with each other. To do this, you have to be together, unmarried, long enough for the hyperfocus to end. (You’ll know when it does, for things will feel quite different.)

Once that’s happened, see whether or not your living and communication styles are compatible. Find out whether or not you love each other for who you are today, not for who you dream you might be. Determine whether or not you need to separate your finances (and speak with a lawyer about ways to do this, if you need to). Learn all that you can about each other. As a couple you have advantages over the people who are saying “don’t marry someone with ADD”, for you know what to look out for related to ADD. Unlike them, when your husband stops coming to bed with you because he’s distracted by something else you will know enough to talk about it right away as an ADD symptom rather than to take it personally and think he doesn’t love you.

While ADD has disadvantages in a relationship, it also has many advantages that people don’t always attribute to ADD. To give you some examples – one ADD friend of mine took his fiancé aside 20 years ago and said “I’m pretty impulsive…I can’t guarantee that I won’t have an affair while we are married. I don’t think I will, but I can’t guarantee it. Are you still interested in marrying me?” Who, but an impulsive ADD person would have started that conversation?! (They’ve been married happily, with a wildly loving family life for 20 years…and no affairs.)

In my own case, my husband’s ability to “live in the moment” and let things be is a wonderful complement to my own desire to “shape” my life around me. I have learned a great deal from him over the years about “live and let live” and my life has been greatly improved over what I envision it would have been if I had not been under his gentle tutelage. His compassion for others is another aspect of his ADD personality which I value tremendously. We both have faults, but our strengths make us greater as a couple than the sum of our parts.

I know numerous other very successful couples with an ADD husband and a non-ADD wife. In each case she organizes most things and provides the driving force and momentum to the relationship and he contributes much more subtle things – a warmth with the kids, lots of surprises which keep things varied, intensity, breadth of interests and passions. No marriage is easy, but these marriages are, well, interesting in the most positive way.

Importantly, these marriages all share one thing. ADD is not the defining element of the relationship. As you think about whether to marry a person with ADD, think hard about where ADD fits in. If your partner takes responsibility for his ADD and if you have a strong foundation together, then ADD will likely stay in the healthy position of being just one more aspect of many things that make you a successful couple. If ADD is already at the forefront of how you interact, then be cautious.

MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments

I have been married for six

by McPenny - 04/20/2009 - 15:18

I have been married for six months and I wish to God that someone HAD warned me about marriage with an ADHD spouse, at least then I would have known what I was getting myself in to.

how long...

by Jules - 04/21/2009 - 09:32

...did you date before you got married? Did you know your spouse's ADD characteristics without knowing it was ADD? Just curious.

I dated him for a year before

by McPenny - 04/23/2009 - 15:12

I dated him for a year before getting married. In hindsight I see many warning flags that I didn't pick up on at the time but he was very good at hiding and explaining things away. It wasn't until about six weeks after we got married that reality slapped me in the face. I was married once before for many years and I fully understand how much work marriage is....however, I had not idea how much work being married to a man with ADHD was. If I had know I would have insisted on more time to prepare or would have ended the relationship. I know that sounds selfish, but I have three children to consider and unfortuantely the strain and drain of this relationship affects them in a negative way.

As you rightly say, Melissa,

by Anonymous - 04/20/2009 - 16:15

As you rightly say, Melissa, everything changes once the hyperfocus wears off. One thing that changed for us was that my partner stopped being able to communicate when we faced problems and challenges, so your advice about making sure you as a couple have good methods of resolving conflict in place is only relevant if coupled with your very important piece of advice to not get married until you have spent a good period of time together, unmarried, once the hyperfocus has gone. This is a very important piece of advice, because, as you say, things will look and feel totally different once it has gone, and the big decision to get married should not be contemplated until the non ADHD partner has got a good idea of how things will be without the hyperfocus, and decided they like it enough to want it for the rest of their lives.

I could not agree with you more

by anonymous - 04/20/2009 - 18:24

I could not agree with you more.

Melissa, its all about making

by Anonymous - 04/21/2009 - 06:57

Melissa, its all about making INFORMED decisions!

Other people can't fix you.

by Miss Behaven - 06/17/2010 - 16:44

Other people can't fix you. Even therapists can't out your mind back together for you. If only it were that easy!

I'll second

by newfdogswife - 04/21/2009 - 15:50

I'll second that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't marry till hyperfocus has worn off!

by Almost Over Now - 02/20/2010 - 11:12

That's absolutely right!

marry after hyperfocus

by sandune - 03/07/2010 - 07:32

Our courship was fast, whirlwind, unbelieveable. I did not know anything about adhd however my wife has it. I was swept up into her hyperfocus all about me and I was so infatuated. It was indeed a "fairytale". I did not think it would ever end, it was all so perfect. We married within 9 months and 6 months later the hyperfocus ended. I woke up one day and she was gone literally, physically, emotionally, etc. It was like aliens came in thru the night, kidnapped her and left me with an empty shell.......this shell resembled my wife, talked like my wife, moved around like my wife and even dressed like my wife.

I have only learned about adhd and hyperfocus recently on this site and thanks so much. It certainly has helped me understand that I am really ok, healthy, value system in tact, regaining my self respect and all of it. You see, as I began to ask my wife why everything was so different.............in retrospect, that was another turning point I think. She then totally shut me out of her life and accused and blamed me for our now empty existence spiralling down hill to mediocre roomates.

Three and a half years, three counselors, a pastor and mort fertel later, we are stuck because she is focused on the next event, the next, and so on.

To summarize the hyperfocus stage...........I have to agree with several comments here....if both parties put it all on the table, accept adhd into their lives and plan and follow thru with a joint committment to deal with issues.........more importantly our main problem has been a strong foundation and value system agreed upon and a system to deal with problems effectively so they do not contaminate your marriage and vow never to have un resolved issues. These few items have literally destroyed our marriage to the point it may not be salvaged due to hurts, disappointment, anger and unresolved issues.

Without a joint understanding and committment after the hyperfocus stage...............it is unlikely all of the great things will be enough to keep you in a marriage. You will become exhausted with chaos, empty promises, lieing, emotional emptiness...i.e., you will be all alone even when your adhd partner is in the same house and same room........our great times ended as quikly as they began.

Hperfocus

by Bunsy - 08/08/2010 - 23:39

After the hyperfocus wears off, it is like dating/living with a ghost. Like an empty shell of a person who does not even know you. (Like the past, and all of the promises never happened.) Really scary, sad. Glad I got out in time!

Maybe it's you--not them!

by mechelle79 - 04/21/2009 - 18:32

I feel so bad for those of you who regret marrying your partner because of their ADD/ADHD. I'm sorry you didn't realize till after you took your vows that you weren't compatible or willing and able to handle and appreciate the characteristics of your spouse.

But, please do not use this wonderful blog to discourage those people out there, planning to wed their partner, from marrying them simply because they have ADD/ADHD. Melissa, can you please post some of the beneficial characteristics of those with ADD/ADHD?

Additionally, I DO think it takes the right kind of person to live with someone with ADD/ADHD....but I also think it takes the right kind of person with ADD/ADHD to live with someone without the disorder. I mean, I know I drive my spouse crazy at times--probably just as often as he does me. However, we knew these things were the qualities that made us unique and have learned some tricks to make life easier and truly enjoyable for the both of us--we put the emphasis on how much I love his ADD/ADHD qualities and he puts emphasis on my non-ADD/ADHD qualities.

It can work---and for those of you who can't believe it--it sounds like you didn't understand the work that marriage takes to begin with.

There is nothing simple about

by Anonymous - 04/22/2009 - 05:33

There is nothing simple about "handling" a partner with ADD/ADHD. I have been married before (widowed-not divorced) and believe me-the difference between a spouse with ADD and one without is enormous. There is no comparison. Arguments are different, issues as a couple are different. I have walked in both of those shoes so I DO IN FACT KNOW!

I resent your assumptions mechelle79

by jgsmom - 04/22/2009 - 10:00

I really resent your assumption that 1. you have ANY idea of what I, or anyone else here, has to deal with when it comes to being married to our ADD spouses as each and every case is different. 2. that based on your assumptions, implying that the non ADD spouse does not understand the work involved with marriage, or is not working hard enough is extremely judgemental and highly offensive.

Yes!!!! Thank you for

by anonymous - 04/22/2009 - 14:43

Yes!!!! Thank you for speaking up!!!

Thank you so much for your

by helpwillieunderstand - 07/09/2009 - 19:00

Thank you so much for your encouraging reply.....

The exception to the rule...maybe??

by dina123 - 09/03/2009 - 02:21

I'm really happy to hear that actually some couples with a partner with ADD can have some sort of functional or rewarding relationship... I don't know if that is a little more like the exception to the rule or not, but maybe as Melissa mentioned, most peaple that join the blog are suffering the really bad and nasty stuff that comes with some or most people with ADD. I don't know if lying and pretending (whith is almost the same thing) is a trade of ADD, but when you are dating and they are hyperfocusing, on top of that most of what you see is pretended and then all that attention is gone and the real person shows up is a big shock, and on top of that the unrealistic view of the world that some ADDers have and in my case, the really bad ethical life style and misunderstood selfrightchousness (sorry for the misspelling) that my husband has, and our romantic idea that love, patiance and good communication will help is the right recipy for disaster and hurt!

your mileage may vary

by arwen - 09/04/2009 - 00:31

Mechelle, I've seen marriages that broke down and no longer worked, despite all the goodwill in the world and committed efforts on the part of both partners, some that involved ADD and others that did not. Hard work at marriage does not always guarantee its survival. My almost 35-year marriage to add ADD spouse is working now, but there was a long period of time when it did not, and I can assure you that it was not from a lack of hard work on the marriage.

In my spouse's extended family, all the men have ADD (some are undiagnosed, but it's pretty obvious to those who of us who are familiar with the disorder's characteristics), and they all experience it in their childhood, appear to outgrow it in puberty, then "grow back in" to it around age 40. Therefore, when I married my husband in his early 20's, he did not exhibit many ADD traits. He was a little more disorganized than the norm, a little less money-savvy than average, but nothing egregious. (At that time, he was not diagnosed with ADD -- no one in his extended family was -- our family was the first to identify the disorder.) When he began "growing back in" to ADD 15 years later, he began to be a very different person than the man I married. Eventually, he became dangerous to himself, our children, and other people around him. I tried to get him to see the problems and dangers, but he was in denial about them. It was very much like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of situation -- I'd married the really great guy, and 15-20 years later he morphed into somebody really scary.

No question that my husband and I had had to learn to adjust to each other after we first married. Sure, we had fights early on. But we worked things out. We *did* the hard work that marriage takes. We understood the need to compromise and tolerate. We recognized that we had different strengths and weaknesses, but we also understood that these were part of the attractions we had for each other.

After he began to "grow back in" to the ADD, it was a different story. My husband became less and less willing to see any perspective but his own. He no longer appreciated my characteristics, and it was hard for me to see anything positive about his increasingly scary behaviors. We kept trying, but over the next five years things just got worse and worse between us.

Then, finally, I was able to get him to see a doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD. He got on medication. He went to counseling. At one point we were separated for almost a year, and I really thought our marriage might be over. It took *10 years* of work after his diagnosis before we finally got to a point where our marriage became healthy again. He had to learn a whole new set of behaviors, and I had to learn how to think differently about my spouse and figure out what he could and couldn't handle. We *both* became different people than we had been when we married, or even after marriage but before he had "grown back in" to his ADD. This isn't something I would have chosen to do, but I felt I had to for our children's sakes. Very frankly, if it hadn't been for our kids, it would not have been worth the sheer misery of those years.

I would never discourage anyone from marrying someone with ADD/ADHD *just* because of this disorder. I have a daughter whose significant other has ADD, and I don't tell her they shouldn't marry. He was diagnosed as a youth and his parents seem to have done a great job addressing his ADD behaviors. But it's disingenuous to pretend that such a marriage does not often present more challenges than the norm -- divorce statistics for families with ADD members back this up -- and it's certainly appropriate for those of us who have experienced these problems to warn others of the *possibilities* of marital problems that stem from ADD (including the potential difficulties of parenting children with the disorder). My daughter wants to have children, and if she marries her young man, she should go into it with her eyes open, not with her head in the sand!!! My marriage survived by a whisker, and it could have easily gone the other way. Yes, *some* partners *can* make it work-- just like in *any* marriage -- and some can't. Not everybody is capable of dealing with the ADD behaviors that sometimes develop later in a relationship. Not everybody with ADD is capable of dealing effectively with their disorder over time. Not everybody with an ADD spouse can make the adjustments that may be called for. This is not a crime, anymore than having ADD is a crime. It just is.

I'm glad you've got a working relationship, but your experience is just one instance (just as my experience is just one instance, so I don't make any claims that I have the answers to anybody else's problem). It seems to me that those here who are offering insights and experience, or the people earnestly seeking help (and who in many cases are struggling with behaviors that the ADD partner didn't show before the marriage or that they had no occasion to see) don't need to be patronized. In my experience, practical encouragement, practical suggestions, are usually of greater benefit than censure or put-downs or preaching. You obviously have a positive experience with ADD -- you've figured out what works for you and your spouse -- good for you!! I hope you will share what you have learned -- but perhaps you could extend your tolerance for your spouse to this community at large by suspending judgment on people you hardly know.

6 months in...

by Anonymous - 04/24/2009 - 01:09

I have been dating someone with ADD ADHD now for about 6 months. It's a long distance relationship which adds yet another twist. Relationships are challenging as it is, add long distance and ADD/ADHD to it and ...my, oh my! At the beginning everything was magical, and for the most part it still is, I love this man in a way that I never thought I'd love someone but I am discovering that he borders a bit on the nacissistic side and his ideas of the perfect relationship often involve me making gigantic adjustments and life changes while keeping an EXTREMELY low risk factor on his end. I wonder if this is typical ADD/ADHD behaviour or if its personality specific. I'm entering the end of the "hyperfocus" stage and I'm very happy to have found this post because having very little knowledge of ADD, I aoutomatically started to assume he was slowly "checking out" emotionally and i was starting to put a very high wall to protect myself. Today I considered checking out of the relationship myself. While we are not engaged, he has mentioned that he sees the potential for us to walk down that path, he also wants a family etc... He is very aware of his condition and takes responsibility for it. He's educated on the topic and recognizes some of his behaviours after the fact and is very good at apologizing etc. He was very up-front with me from day one about the over excited stage and how he slowly can lose interest. This very thing has me worried, I see so much of what is posted in this blog in him, the piles of clothes, the lack of organization (I'm a bit of a clean freak, so it works, but I don't want to resent him), the gambling, the sudden change of plans or the sudden, "let's go out" when I've already in my pj's... LOL But overall I worry about their intense need for mental stimulation and impulsive behaviour. How does that reflect on their level of commitment? (by that I mean loyalty) I worry that the sense that he "already has me" because he knows how much I love him, might decrease his interest and make him wonder in search of that stimuly he needs. I have read that ADD/ADHD man, either commit impulsively or have a very difficult time committing at all. My boyfriend is in his late 30's and no real, significant relationship where he actually co-existed with a woman in the same space on the daily basis exists in his past. He has never had someone around every day for what you will consider a healthy period of time. This is terrifying to me!!!! I wonder if he can ever do it at all. I asked him this very question once and he responded: "I don't know" which broke my heart in two and made me want to run and hide. The truth is I love this man with every once of me and I pray every night for patience and understanding. He has swept me of my feet with his "hyperfocus" and he is by far the most geniune, giving, loving and magical person I've ever known. His ADD gives him amazing charateristics that I find absolutely fascinating, he is incredibly smart, driven, spontaneous, vibrant and fun loving. He truly loves life and makes a huge effort every day to become an even better man. I love him, I want to keep loving him because he is worth it. All I need to know is, how do you continue on this journey when you are not getting the re-assurance you need from him? How do you know if he is distracted or simply no longer interested...? I see myself with him, but his "hyperfocus" has worn off and he says sometimes (when I tell him how I feel), he doesn't feel it "YET" or "Right now"... on the same token a day or two later, he comes out the blue with words that would make you think he's crazy in love. Ugh!!! So confusing!!! Did any of you experience this? Or should I accept this and believe we may have come to the end of the roller coaster ride (hyperfocus) and he may have already checked out.. Is this normall behaviour for ADD man or should I go with my instincts and check out before it's even more painful? Any comments will help tremendously.

to anon dating ADD man

by Steph - 04/24/2009 - 09:30

First let me say that is a very positive thing that your boyfriend seems so self aware! That is more than half the battle. I understand the very serious concerns you have expressed and all I can say is WAIT. Wait as long as possible before making that final committment. I believe you should see how the "hyperfocus wear off" impacts your relationship and make your decision from there. Every relationship is different. Only you can decide what you will accept. Keep reading all you can in books about relationships and ADD. Read the posts on here from those of us who walk in those shoes every single day. I wish, I wish so much that I knew ahead of time what I was getting into. My husband wasn't formally diagnosed until 2 years into our marriage. I knew way before that. What I didn't know about ADD was how it effects adults and their ability to interact in relationships. The hyperfocus ended after we were married for half a year and WOW is there a difference in our relationship ! All I am going to say is something that someone already wrote on here and it is so true....Make an INFORMED decision! Wait before making a legal and spiritual committment.

All my best. Keep us updated..

Thank you!

by Anonymous - 04/24/2009 - 23:10

Thank you both Steph and the poster immediately below. I can't tell you girls happy I am to have found this site. I actually slept a full night last night after unloading all my concerns here. God presents us all with challenges that we can handle, we either do or we "choose" not to handle them... I guess at the end of the day, love makes it worth at least trying and giving it your best. (or at least the best you have to give that day.) I agree with you Steph, the fact that he is so aware and pays so much attention to his action is a blessing. The man is a rare find, an outstanding person with a high level of integrity. I love him and with God's blessing and this website, I hope in my heart that I can hang on and we can make it trough the long distance, the ADD, the recession, the missed calls because we are both busy and the blah tasting TV dinners at the end of the day, wishing we were in each other's company instead. So waiting it is I gues... I have to see what it's like to date him without the intense courtship and make sure I can stay interested too without the big production he put up at the beggining. LOL It's easy to get spoiled and assume he no longer loves you when that stops, but I'm learning via this advice and books and research and I guess, I need to make a lot of adjsutments myself. I shouldn't expect the beggining stage to last forever, ADD or not, it never does in any type of relationship right? So evolve and grow we must... HERE WE GO. :) Again, thanks for the amazing and comforting advice. Blessings to everyone.

Ther is no rush!!!

by dina123 - 09/03/2009 - 02:44

You reminde me so much of me when I was dating, with the difference that nobady new or suspected ADD, his parents kept on asking me if I had seen him mad... but he was the swetest, most marvellous man I had ever met, so, commited to his faith, thanks to him I embraced my faith so much more, and as you say, God won't give you a challenge you can't handel... but is it really God's will... is really that his plan for you??? that question torments my head and my soul from time to time, what I'm certaint is that God won't leave you alone once YOU take the challenge. Keep a very close eye on the gambling or any addiction since they tend to obsses about thing or get addicted to substances. I knew there was some gambling issues a few months before our wedding, and I prayed a lot to be able to make the right decision...so far I'm almost certain I made the wrong one. He promised never to gamble again and seek treatment, just last year, out of the blue, with mor than 6 years without gambling and 4 young children gamble our lives away getting a debt of 100's of thousands, ADD is not joke, there are too many surprises thant are completly out of your hands!, the only thing is in your hands is what you do with this info and the rest of your life... so far for me it's been my worst nightmare for the las 3 years... but the problems started within weeks of being married, I dated for almost 2 years including engagement and part of that was long distance with 5 or 6 months twice living in the same city and spending lots, lots, lots of time together.... We were soooo in love, he was sooo wondelfull, not any more.... but we didn't know!

The hyperfocus ended rather

by newfdogswife - 04/25/2009 - 06:37

The hyperfocus ended rather quickly after we got married, also now that this issue has been brought up. In my case, it was 27 years ago, ADHD was unheard of and I just thought I had hooked up with the biggest jerk on the face of this earth. It has been a very different relationship to say the least!! We have for the most part, lead seperate lives for most of our marriage. Me in the real world, him in the fantasy world. It wasn't until he was diagnosed approx. 2 years ago and our reading and research began, that we discovered why our relationship was different. It has caused a great deal of pain for both of us. Real World vs Fantasy World but we are trying. It's tough to change after so many years. Hopefully we will have the patience to endure. I cannot lie, I wish "I" would have known ahead of time what I was getting into, also. I can only assume GOD has me here for a reason and I remind myself of that every day!!!

6 months in #2

by MelissaOrlov - 04/29/2009 - 15:04

It sounds as if there are many wonderful things that your man offers - how many people say things like "he is by far the most genuine, giving, loving and magical person I have ever known" and the rest?! Fabulous!

It also sounds as if he's honest. When you ask the question about whether or not he knows he can live with someone (you) his response was an honest one - he genuinely doesn't know, and doesn't sound like he has any experience with it, either. Though it is heartbreaking to hear those words, I personally would prefer them to having him bow to the pressure of the situation to say the "right" thing, rather than the honest thing.

I would suggest you consider living together for a long period of time before actually getting married. One reader at this site suggested 5 years...I would suggest a minimum of two. You'll find out whether or not his going back and forth is an issue, and whether or not you are ultimately compatible. From your post it's unclear whether or not your fears are actually adding to the instability of your situation, or whether it is truly unstable. After all, you've only been dating for 6 months - lots of folks take a lot longer than that to commit. (My father told my mother he loved her, then changed his mind the following week, then again...back and forth and back and forth even after they were engaged until she finally threw the ring at him...but they ended up happily married until her death just shortly before their 50th wedding anniversary).

As you assess your partner's comments, remember that the lives more in the present than you do. So he might feel great one day and not so great another...but overall might feel great. If this is his "pattern", could you deal with it over the long term as the issues change? (i.e. "I'm ready to buy a house, I'm not ready to buy a house..." and "I want to have kids, I don't want to have kids"...)

Is there anything you can do to relieve your anxiety a bit so that you can start enjoying yourself again?

6 months in #2 .. response

by ADDlove - 05/01/2009 - 21:20

Melissa, the story about your parents is just incredible. It really warmed up my heart.

I want to thank you for this space, you have no idea how much this helps people. I have no one else to talk to about this, no one I know understands it.

As for your questions, yes, I am absolutely certain that my fears are affecting us, as you can see I'm a wreck, I make my fears known, I've told him these things worry me. He noticed before we broke up that my "walls" were up and that I was being guarded.

I posted more below on the other responses too.. I'd love your feedback.

Is this inconsistancy typical with ADD?? to this level???

Thanks Melissa, God bless you for your work on this site!

I've been dating this guy ( 2

by Surya - 06/18/2010 - 08:02

I've been dating this guy ( 2 mths) with ADHD, which he admitted , and saw a doctor for. It's now that I know you call it hyperfocus. I just thought he was crazy about me. But the more that I read about ADHD , I can see that the stuff he was doing , was just part of it. We have a long-distance relationship, atleast that was what he said we were having before he left. Now we communicate with e-mails, but not very often. I'm not sure if this is a personality thing or the ADHD. I mean, he's been married and divorced thrice, and has 2 teenagers. He's about a decade older. He's also abused drugs and alcohol. But he's been holding a well-paid stable job, for almost 11 years. When he was posted here for 2 weeks, he used to come up to my table and bang on it. I thought it was his way of filrting. Now, it could have been the ADHD, cos my collegues weren't too fond of it. Before he left about 2 weeks ago, he wanted to meet up with my family, and get married and move to my home country. He was asking me to check on the visas and all. Even schools for his son. Now in our e-mails, there's no mention of that. I'm not sure if he still loves me , or I was just a passing cloud for him. I am starting to fall in love with him, cos he's got some good factors. He's sweet and compassioante to his fellow workers.Of course, this is what I've seen. Should I hold on, and keep sending him e-mails on a weekly basis or , just forget him completely. My friends don't understand ,and keep saying he's not worth it. I don't want to get married tomorrow, but I would like the oppurtunity to get to know him better .We could still be friends. It doesn't help that he's of a different nationality . He works offshore, so Internet and phone services may be on and off.I could really use some practical advice.

I need some advice

by Surya - 06/20/2010 - 06:21

I'm confused as to hold on, if he's not responding to my e-mails. If nothing , we can be friends. Though I like him. Will he think I'm being clingy, but with the ADHD, I don't want him to forget, or lose interest .It's hard tht he's offshore, and will go back to his home country after his shift. Any advice, Melissa ?

As a married person with

by Anonymous - 04/24/2009 - 06:43

As a married person with ADHD, I would encourage couples that are mixed (one non/one ADHD) to cohabitate for a lengthy period before marriage. My recently wed husband and I lived together for 5 years, and I think if we hadn't we would have quickly gotten divorced. I would have warned him, but it was my first serious relationship, and although I knew that I did have ADHD, I had no idea how it would impact that arena of my life. Though trial and error, he has learned what it is like living with an ADHD person, and I strive to be thoughtful and considerate of him. (Though he's not above poking me with a pencil in mid conversation to make sure that I know the computer will be there when he's done talking to me. ;) Talking about it, and describing it is helpful, but I really don't think anybody can understand the strange dynamics that appear until they live through them.

Living with someone with ADD

by Crystal Lamon - 05/12/2009 - 07:01

I have been cohabitating with my fiance for 6 years. He has ADD and has trouble with his temper and compulsive behavior. He also suffers from a macular (eye) defect that renders him legaly blind which also adds to his frustration. I had often thought that the things he does on impulse were done to hurt me, or someother reason that i couldn't think of. After researching ADD in adults i am starting to understand that it is due to his ADD and not him as a person. He is so difficult to live with, but I couldn't live without him.

Would I have made a different

by smilesalot - 04/25/2009 - 13:56

Would I have made a different choice ?
We've been married for 33 years and my husband's ADHD was only diagnosed 6 years ago. I saw things in my husband's behavior and just had no CLUE how they would impact us .

I love my husband and I don't think I would have made a different choice so long ago. I believe in change and growth... silly me!
We talked long and hard about what we wanted for ourselves as a couple and what we envisioned for our future.
I believe I made the best choice at the time.

I don't believe that ADHD should be the driving force in our marriage but at the moment, it is.

I feel lost and hopeless in dealing with the challenges that face me.

I do hope to find some help here!
Nancy

Different choice

by ataloss - 01/31/2010 - 18:38

I also believed I made the best choice at the time 11 years ago...I have been regretting my decision to marry my husband for the past 5-6 years. I did not go into the marriage knowing he had ADD. He was diagnosed 4 years ago when our oldest son was. When he was diagnosed, I felt relieved and thought we could finally get somewhere as a couple-if we had a name for the problem, maybe we could find a solution. I have paid dearly for my naivity. My marriage is profoundly unhappy and my husband is currently unwilling to seek help. I often wonder how different my life would be if I would have said "no." If I had to do it over again, I would not have married him. Harsh as that may seem, I feel so deflated and empty after putting so much into our marriage and receiving so little in return. I'm not sure if we actually have a marriage-it seems more like I'm a parent than a spouse. Our life together is not healthy and I worry greatly about the impact our deficiencies will and are having on our 2 children.

I understand

by seekingasylum - 03/24/2010 - 21:00

at a loss,

I understand completely!!!!!! I was sure that I was informed and not going to make the mistakes that my birth family had when I married. But I had no idea that the ADHD man that swept me off my feet would turn my life back into a nightmare much too similar to one I had grown up with in an emotionally and physically abusive home with an alcoholic step father. While I was an honor student and considered attractive, I was a pretty insecure 27 year old when I married. I realized many years later, as I was making the decision to leave the marriage, that it started out as a co-dependent relationship - he was the taker and I was the caretaker. As I gained maturity and self-awareness, I continued to attempt to understand why our relationship had no depth and was very stressful and unfulfilling. Once my son, our 2nd child, was struggling in second grade I was shown the pattern of his academics and behavior and it was suggested that he be evaluated for ADHD. I was very protective and confused. But I continued to seek help, evaluations and to learn about what was going on with my son.

Of course, like you, I had no idea about ADHD 26 years ago. I had no idea of the insecurity and anger that existed in the person I married due to his growing up feeling stupid, lazy, and out of control and labeled a poor student. I knew that he had struggled in school, but on his second attempt at college got a tutor and conquered the math. I thought that was an amazing accomplishment. I had no idea how deep seated the problems were. Not something under his control or even in his conscious understanding. It is something that is deeply seated in his psyche as well as his frontal lobe.

I had not been married long before I knew that we were not forming a strong emotional connection. He would wake up at night and run yelling from the house at the neighbors dog that was barking and frequently shoot BB's at the noise maker. I could not understand how he got so worked up over something I had not even heard. He was pretty demanding about physical intimacy in a manner that he liked with no consideration for my feelings. I, of course, began to with draw and he began to get angry.

He quit his first job within months of our marriage because he was bored. He was pressured into quitting his second job within a few years due to conflicts with people within the organization. The owner brought in a psychologist and the only thing I heard was that my former spouse was "impulsive". I chalked it up to finding the right place of employment for him. He angrily fumed about having a house and how it tied him down. We had been married a little over two years and had an infant daughter. I was shocked that having a home and maintaining it was not a source of pride and security for our family. I also remember feeling surprised and hurt when our daughter was born, he took time off to be home. Yet, he was never in the house talking or bonding with us. He always had to be working on something. He would come in, eat, and fall asleep - never really connecting with me or our new baby. (HYPERACTIVITY)

Amazingly, his mother was giving me an inadventent warning when she came to visit at the birth of my daughter. I remember her telling me how difficult my spouse had been to raise. I will see through the years that this was a very high conflict relationship. Even into adulthood, there was constant conflict between spouse and his family. It was extremely uncomfortable when we visited there. At first I thought his mother was just awful. But as I learned the family history and my spouse's history from friends and other family members, I began to understand what the family had to deal with for years with no knowledge or skills to guide them. My spouse was an angry defensive child having to deal with the inability to control his hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattentive behaviors that embarrassed his traditional family and put him frequent trouble with teachers and peers.

After the second job loss, he took a job half way across the country because he felt that he could not get another one in the same state. While he was gone, I remember feeling more relief than anything else. I considered at that point leaving with my infant daughter. I should have trusted my instincts. But it would be years,yet, of trying to figure out why I felt like I was in a relationship alone.(INATTENTION AND LACK OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS )

After the move cross county, he would eventually be fired from his job. He would take another job for less than a year. He quit that one. The third job in that area he was eventually forced out before he was fired. All this time I was trying to keep some stability in the home for my children. I had always wanted a stable, loving home more than anything. To give my children what I had never had. I was using my small inheritance to keep the bills paid, my children in parocial school, and my spouse in those impulsive vacations that "he deserved because he made so much money". Of course, it seemed kind of fun at first until the children began to miss activites they loved because their dad needed to "get away" frequently to cope and the unplanned trips created a huge stress on our budget. (IMPULSIVITY AND LACK OF ATTENTION TO DETAILS)

I began trying to involve him in the budgeting. He never had the interest or patience to work with me. His excuse was that he made so much money that he should be able to do whatever he wanted. It was extremely frustrating with him only acknowledging the income and refusing to be aware of the expenses - except to occasionally make some grand gesture to refinance the house or take a huge sum out of retirement for a temporary fix.

After the third job loss in our second location, he had to move across the country once again to feel that he could be employed. I was now homeschooling my two older children (because my spouse was unwilling to accept that my middle child had ADHD difficulties - he told my son's second grade teacher "I was just like that when I was a kid". So I guess, if he had to accept and understand his son then he would have to accept that about himself as well since "he was just like that". So I undertook, homeschooling my children and caring for a new infant son. Their dad moved across country to take another job while I schooled the children, kept up with the busy activity schedule, got the house ready for sale and marketed it myself in a depressed market to attempt to get out of the house without paying to do it. A second mortagage and a depressed real estate market made selling a losing propisition.(AVOIDANCE AND INABILITY TO SEE REPETITIVE PATTERN DETAILS)

We eventually sell the house, barely getting out without a loss and move across the country yet again. We are living in a neighborhood of fairly high crime, very different from the cosy family neighborhood that we came from. My children & I were homeschooling and felt like prisoners in our own rental. I have found a doctor that specializes in children's learning challenges through our pediatrician. My older son is confirmed with ADHD which I have fully realized as I tried to keep him focused on school work at home! His dad is still in denial about my son and himself. He takes a second job in an ice hockey ring supply store. His way of avoiding the family difficulties.

Six months after we have sold our home and moved across country yet again he has lost his job. I have now begun to seek counseling for us. As I have learned about my son's challenges, I also have begun to learn more about adult ADHD. My inheritance is almost gone and my spouse is unemployed. I find a community couseling service, supported by the local churches, that will take us on a sliding scale according to income. I see the counselor, my spouse goes with me once and once by himself. He then informs that he will not continue. It is my problem, not his, and if I want to continue that is fine but he will not.

He eventually gets another job and we buy a house. One month after we buy the house the office he works for is closed. He tries but feels like he cannot get another job in this area. Some employers now have preemployment testing. He is told that "the company does not hire people like him" when he calls to follow up after testing. Eventually, he is taken on at a different office in another state by his last employer.

Once he moves away, the relationship grows increasingly distant as I try to support my daughter in high school and begin the college search and preparation process. My older son is struggling in middle school as I have finally realized that I cannot no longer be an at home mom and depend on my spouse. I have him enrolled in an excellent but expensive tutoring program specifically focused on children with learning challenges. (This center has been recommended to me by my son's doctor that treats only children with learning challenges - the director had previously worked in his clinic.) My youngest son is now going through evaluations at school. He has struggled in kindergarten and first grade. After two years of evaluations, it is confirmed that he has processing delays. I have him working with a reading specialist, that is also his Title I teacher at his school. Also rather expensive, but it seems like a good fit and my son likes her.

During this time, when X returns home to visit, he is surley, difficult, and has begun to scream at me in public. I continue to leave books and literature around the house, hoping that he will read about ADHD. I hope that if he is willing to understand and support our son that maybe he will begin to see some similarities. He completely shuts me out when I attempt to talk to him about the boys academic struggles and what is going on. He believes that if he shouts, threatens, and manipulates them with material things they will apply themselves and be fine. Ironically, just the way he was treated by his school teacher mother when he complained that being chased around the house with a belt did not teach him a thing or help him!?

I do not understand his refusal to support his sons in their struggles, learn what is going on with them, and do whatever we can to help them be successful. I have continued to seek ways to get help for our family. I have found a marital workshop through the church. It is a weekend with 7 followup weeknight workshops. I continue to attempt to express my exhaustion with our lack of ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflict in a positive manner. He continues to fly off the handle when I express any opinion that is not in complete agreement with his. He decides that he is going to punish me and files for divorce.

Though I am deeply hurt, I keep trying to talk to him about counseling for the family. He finally agrees to go to the church workshop. We go to the weekend session. I am very touched by the couples from years before that have returned to tell their stories of healing to those currently struggling. It is an exhausting weekend where he tries to be on his best behavior and shows up at meetings. We complete exercises, but still there is no real connection being made. It seems that he is going through the motions to appease me, but sees no real value in it.

He is working out of town so I go to all the follow-up meetings by myself. I complete the workbooks, but he refuses discuss the follow-up meeting or complete the exercises together. He keeps himself busy around the house. He has decided that he is taking a job, once again back across the country where we lived when the boys were born. We are to sell the house and move yet once again.

I am completely exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually now. I try talking to the church pastor. He agrees to have a counselign meeting with us. My X returns to the house only to start an argument about how he loves the military and I just don't understand how important that is to him (he was in USMC for 6 years long before I met him). He storms out of the house yelling to the children very derogatory remarks about me and throws his suit case in his car and screeches out. Thus effectively, avoiding the meeting with the church pastor. He moves across country to another job.

I know at this point that I have reached the end of my rope. I cannot hold a family together by myself. I sign up for a class at the community college, Women in Transition, to help women through major life changes with classes, group and individual support. I have to finally accept that this is an unhealthy relationship for me and that my spouse is not able to get the help we need to survive as a family. I file for divorce.

My counselor asks me what I want to do now. I am looking forward to some serenity in my life, raising my children in a peaceful environment, and pursuing some of my personal goals. I want to do what I have been waiting 20 years to do - return to school. I am interested in advanced studies in a number of fields and have narrowed my interests to communications, several fields of psychology and the enough legal knowledge to fight for changes to help families.

I have no idea that the emotional abuse from my spouse's anger has only just begun.........

Unfortuantely this has become more a cathartic retelling than a comment. I apologize if you have actually read this far for going into such detail. But if it helps you understand that you are not alone and completely understood, the time was not wasted.

I offer you my prayers and hopes to find some peace and connection in a healthy relationship. I too worry about the impact that it has on my children. I can only hope that it will be a springboard for discussion and understanding for future generations.

Unfortunately, this understanding was not clear until after years of dealing with the defensive, irritable, inattentive, hyperactive, impulsive, and eventually angry agressive behaviors that destroys or prevents healthy mutually supportive relationships.

6 Months in... continued

by ADDlove - 04/27/2009 - 01:31

Ok, so you know that little voice inside that people always say you should listen to???

Well, we ended up breaking up after all. I really was in this for the long run and it is just debastating.

I did some research and found him to match a good number of the "trigger" signs of infidelity. The sudden lack of interest, deffesiveness, the "I have to work on myself" talk..
I asked him if he was seeing anyone (remember we are in long distance situation) and of course he said he is not interested in any other woman, he doesn't want to date anyone else... and he doesn't want to lose me. I believed it for about 30 minutes, but the more I go through the conversation in my head, the more I realize it's all there in front of me. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that this is a difficult condition, that this is a difficult situation but I also know how much I'm worth and I just can't bare the thought of being with someone that could've potentially done this to me.

I feel stupid for staying this long, I should've known when the "hyperfocus" wore off.. I worried that he would find someone else to "hyperfocus" on and now, I am almost certain he did. It's heart breaking.

This disorder is literally destroying me inside and my life. Even as we were breaking up he was still talking about "our future" and how he wanted a life together. Yet when I was literally breaking down he was so cold.

For all the newbies out there, let me put it to you this way: He went from Full blown move in w/me right away, to move here (not w/me), to move, don't move, we'll figure it out, to move and I will "date" you...not as boyfriend girlfriend... (see you from time to time he said)...

HONESTLY who do you think you are you narcissistic, self centered jerk!!!!!!!!
(Sorry.. I had to vent for a sec..)
What makes anyone think (ADD or not) that you can come in to someone else's life and make this kind of mess??? to play with people's feelings this way????? I absolutely detest myself for ever believing him! I'm so dissapointed!

Ugh!!!!!! See what I mean now when I said he wanted me to do all of the work so it would involve NO RISK for him?

Help please. I feel like chaning my # and moving even further away. Part of me never wants to hear his voice again and a little side of me feels it's unfair because I don't really know for sure that he did such a thing.
I mean at what point do you count your losses??? Is there any hope here????
I am literally struggling to figure out if this is just him or if any of this has to do with the ADD?

If there is anyone here that knows how to cope with this I'd love to hear your thoughs. What should I expect as far as behaviours from him now that we are broken up? Should I be scared?

ADDlove

6 months in

by MelissaOrlov - 04/29/2009 - 14:37

You haven't confirmed an affair, but it strikes me that your issue is really that he seems to have lost interest, and how that makes you feel. Once you get to "see you from time to time" then it's time to move on. If he's interested enough to return, then he will. Doesn't sound as if you need to change your phone number, though, unless he starts to harass you.

Don't detest yourself over this. Many, many relationships don't work out after the initial thrill is gone. Consider yourself lucky that you have been able to learn that perhaps it wasn't such a great "fit" after all.

6 months in...

by ADDlove - 05/01/2009 - 20:48

Melissa, I appreciate your words and your advice. The thing is, sometimes the fact that someone is "into" someone else is obvious... I don't know any other reason for a man to go from "move in with me now" to if you move across the world so that we can be together finally, and "I will like to see you from time to time".

Yes, move on is right. I can't and refuse to sit around for anyone who treats me that way. I don't know any girls as good and as incredibly loyals as I am and I honestly don't deserve this.

I'm firm on my idea of walking, I asked him not to contact me at all because it was just too painful, he did ok for a few days. This hurts too much, I am not a selfish person AT ALL, but I really am having a hard time understanding at what point do you cross the line between the ADD and simply a very selfish and self-centered man????

How can you ask someone to move and leave their whole life behind for you just so you have convenience to see me when you feel like it????

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS??????????

The more I read about this, the more painful it gets. I think that at the end of the day, they are all man and unfortunately some thake advantage of the ADD and use it as an easy excuse and a way out for cheating and irresponsibility and taking back what you said to get what you wanted. How can you not realize you are causing such great pain to someone that loves you???

And for the first post (up top) yes, he is an incredible person, if he didn't have these issues he really truly would be perfect. I can't even listen to his voice on the phone because I completely break down and start crying. He says he loves me, but I really just can't believe him. He's too inconsistant.

I don't know what to do other than run from this.

I'm so sad and so lost because of all this. I honestly don't know what to do.

to ADDlove

by MelissaOrlov - 05/04/2009 - 15:04

We sometimes imagine that someone is perfect for us...when they really aren't. You can wish that "he didn't have these issues" but the fact of the matter is that he does - whatever "these issues" are. When you marry someone you get the whole package...and at this point the whole package is just way too painful for you to manage. It's fine to date someone about whom you have doubts...but you should never marry someone about whom you have doubts. (Which isn't to say you should be starry eyed - rather, understand and love someone warts and all...)

You are doing great - even though it doesn't feel that way. Keep reaching out for support from friends, those here at the blog, whomever. We've all been in these positions at one point or another. Maybe he'll see what you need and finally figure out how to give it to you. Maybe not. Be as strong as you can in this, and maybe pamper yourself a bit if you can. Then, as Ned Hallowell likes to say, ask yourself "what do I want this pain to turn into?"

RE: 6 Months in... continued

by _ - 04/30/2009 - 12:42

I'm an ADDer who has behaved like your boyfriend in the past. Of course I agree that its best for you to leave a relationship where you feel neglected and not respected. I just wanted to say that perhaps the way he let you down wasn't all dishonesty and lack of real feelings. I know in past relationships, I gave the woman the idea that we were totally on the same wavelength - after all, a good committed relationship was something I'd long dreamed of myself. But as things progressed, and it was time to make dreams into reality, I drew back and avoided. Building a life together would mean that she would have to be able to depend on me, and I'd never even been able to depend on myself. I felt overwhelmed by pressure -a sort of "performance anxiety". I could talk the talk, but could I walk the walk? In short I was scared, and felt guilty for letting her down - especially after maybe leading her on to begin with. But I never intentionally misled her. The feelings were entirely real, but from my own life I was not used to expecting "follow through", and when it came to that point I felt totally unprepared and just bewildered. Come to think of it, a number of my relationships have been long-distance. I never thought about it, but I guess that it is a natural trap to fall into, good at first, but where the ADDer feels expectations are lower, and for the other they get higher as implicit promises are made.

That was then...

by _ - 04/30/2009 - 13:03

As an aside, I've now been living with my girlfriend for two years, and we are engaged to be married. Before that we had a long-distance relationship! She finally gave up (as I'd been expecting all along, due to past experience, which probably explains why I'd often go into relationships with such low expectations). But this time, for the first time, I fought for her and for the chance at the future we could have. I am sure this is only because I was finally diagnosed with ADD a few years ago, and started treatment, and I began to realize that maybe there was hope for me to change, and that it was worth trying. Before I felt hopeless. I was not happy with the state of my life and my relationships, but I couldn't seem to affect the outcome no matter how hard I tried. It just seemed inevitable that they would end in failure, and guilt, and disappointment. Today I still wake up some nights in a cold sweat wondering if I can really do it and be as responsible as I need to, and want to be. But as I understand better the problems that are in my way, and learn to counteract them, and take note of my small successes, I'm optimistic. I'm still scared to death, but I'm not giving up - and I'm not going back . I'm no longer resigned to failure and unfullfilled dreams, but finally ready to sieze the future - one day at a time. (Does that sound overdramatic? I guess this fear is something we try to deny exists through fatalism, and lowered expectations, and it really is powerful when you acknowledge and accept it, and then decide that it won't stand in your way.) Good luck to all, and even when you are not feeling too optimistic about the outcome, please keep it in mind to keep trying, because the status quo isn't working anyway, and more importantly- even if its an uphill battle, your life is worth the effort.

I have just recently gone

by Anonymous123 - 05/01/2009 - 12:22

I have just recently gone through a situation exactly the same as what you have been describing here. We dated for almost a year and talked about our future together at the beginning of the relationship but as time went on he started pulling away. I know my insecurities and fears did not help the situation and maybe we never were meant to be together. He started seeing someone else right away and I really believe it was just looking for that excitement with a person who doesn't expect anything from him yet. My question is how did you come to recognize the way you had been behaving and begin to change? I think all of this information fits him to a tee and I really would like to share it because I don't think he recognizes it. He is a wonderful, strong Christian man and it hurts me to see him so frustrated with himself and acting this way...but I still don't know that it's a good idea to try to share this with him..????

Well as you can see from my

by _ - 05/23/2009 - 00:54

Well as you can see from my post below, I'm still only just beginning to change, more than I've realised. Although I'm more aware of my own issues, I still have a long way to go in changing the patterns of how I relate and show myself to others. I guess that is the main starting point in changing to realise that it is patterns and behavior that can be changed. It's hard to see that if your ADD is undiagnosed. I struggled for so many years and felt hopeless and a failure. I thought that my problem was me, and that only if I was a completely different person could I be successful. I entered therapy and was treated for depression, but to no real effect as in hindsight that was only a symptom. Eventually my (really good and caring) therapist began to study ADD in relation to other patients and then discovered how it could apply to me. Funny, but I was resistant at first because it seemed such a minor thing compared to the innate defect of character I was sure was ruining my life. Then I must say I went through a phase of being even more depressed and angry that I had been beating my head against the wall to no effect for so long. But in the end I was so lucky to learn that the problem wasn't "me." The challenge was ADD and there were concrete ways to attack the mental stumbling blocks, and medication to help allow me to focus on following through with changes. I guess when I could start to see more the cause, I was ready to acknowledge the effects of my counter-productive behavior patterns. Not sure if its clear, but only when I didn't blame myself as the problem, could I see myself as the one that could effect a solution. Yeah, me; it was hard to get myself to believe it. So, I think it mgiht be powerful to discover the possibilty of an ADD connection, but it can be hard to accept at first, especially where you might beat yourself up for falling victim to the stumbling blocks that everyone else seems to hurdle over so easily. But you have to look at it like my therapist suggested to me - adjusting to your ADD with behavioral, and organisation help, and maybe medication, is like treating your vision with eyeglasses. Some might have 20/20, but to need to use that extra help and support is no failure, and only smart in removing the barriers in your way, and proves you can take control of your life. Concretely, I don't know the best way if you'd like to share your insight with him. Maybe you could somehow get him to read a book like Dr. Hallowell's on adult ADD. I know it struck a chord with me, and was powerful when I could identify with the cases of others and recognize so much of my own experience. Made me hopeful to see how people were able to make the changes they wanted so much after they had insight and tools to work with. I suppose the main thing is that it has to come across not as "you have a problem", but rather that "you have real concrete tools available." And that in these stories of talented, capable people who made great changes in their lives, you were reminded of him, but what does he think? But I think it would be great if he could somehow be helped to come to that "aha! moment" himself, rather than feel defensive or resentful if he feels someone is offering an unsolicited diagnosis. Well, i'm sure others here will come up with better and clearer ideas, because I think that your theme of how to reach out to someone who has these struggles is a very important topic. You show great compassion. Good luck.

That was then.... response.

by ADDlove - 05/01/2009 - 21:08

This literally made me cry. How I wish I knew if this what's happening in his head!

I appreciate you sharing this with everyone. It takes a lot to do that.

I think what hurts me the most is that I want to be there for him, I want to hang on, but it's so incredibly difficult without feeling like i'm giving up part of my dignity because I'd be settling for a treatment that I find unfair.

If we are going to be this honest, I'll say it: I feel like if I go back, I'd be hanging around like a puppy when I know that person doesn't really want me there. I don't know that there is anything more hurtful. I'm an attractive girl (people say, personally I don't see what the big deal is but anyway) and I get approached by man everywhere I go. It's heart breaking when anyone out there would love to have a chance to be with you but the one person you love doesn't feel you are worth the effort and try just a bit harder. It's very very hurtful.

ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe the best way is to just walk away after all, I can't figure this out, I have no desire to sit at home and cry anymore. I wish I knew what helped your girlfriend deal with all this, how does she cope?

Thank you so much for your words!

ADDlove

6 months in.. continued- Response to response :)

by ADDlove - 05/01/2009 - 20:55

Your post makes so much sense to me. His longest relationship prior to me was in fact a long distance one. That one being the most lengthy/significant one in his life so far but then again.. he never saw her!

Is there hope here???

How do I know that the reason he's pulling away is because of the things you are saying or simply because he's being a typical selfish man and he's out there fooling around with other girls and his interest and focus is elsewhere..?

How do i do this? I really need help here. I have no idea how to navigate this whole thing, I'm in so much pain.

pulling away

by MelissaOrlov - 05/04/2009 - 14:57

does it matter whether or not he's pulling away because he's afraid to commit to you because he is afraid he'll fail, or if he's fooling around with other women? Either he's committed to you, and willing to show you, or he's not. Don't make excuses for him - if he's not there for you now while you are dating, he probably won't be there later, either.

Pulling away... To Melissa

by ADDlove - 05/06/2009 - 00:14

Thank you!

This site has been a huge huge help for me for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes, things need to be said without the sugar coating and you did that for me. You are right, I need to not make excuses for him, he is not there for me and the reason is irrelevant. I'm in this relationship too and it's not fair to me.

I guess this is what i needed to hear. Thank you again.

Life will tell in the end, but for now, the best thing for me is to get out of this. This is simply to painful to take and function normally and productively on the daily basis at the same time.

God bless all you girls on this site, that have been able to live with this for so many years. I will walk away from this knowing that i gave it my all and my intentions were pure and honest.

Love is not supposed to hurt like this, it's supposed to make you happy.

That was then...?!

by _ - 05/22/2009 - 23:28

Sorry, just returning to this thread. Previous were my first posts ever on any blog, and it left me somehow exhausted. I did eventually attempt to confirm my site registration and tried for days to sign in. Embarassing that I focused on this rather than posting "not verified", but I guess that shows how I can get wrapped up in extraneous non-productive details, my way of "not seeing the forest for the trees". I have to agree with Melissa, and commend your decision, although begrudgingly as I feel a bit insecure and defensive about my position in my own relationship. From my own recent experience, I imagine that the way for him to show commitment would would have been to be open and honest and share his true feelings, and let you know the full picture of what's going on with him. Alas, I've not been so good with that myself, even now, but all of the comments here have really brought home to me how devasating it is to feel in the dark and unsure about having a true partner commited to a shared future. I have to admit I'm returning here now as I've put my relationship into a crisis. I've been on a ten-day trip to visit family and to tie up some affairs related to my move overseas. Well, it was ten days, until I extended it by a week the night before I was to return home. Of course this was a total shock and more than upsetting to my fiancee. She let me know that this called into question her ability to rely on me, and that shes been wondering for a while if she's wasting her life waiting for things to go on with some sense of security. She admitted that she hasn't broached the subject for a while for fear of making me defensive, and that it's hard do discuss things when I'm very closed up about divulging my issues. This has been a (hopefully) wakeup-call for me, and the comments here reinforce that. I guess I've thought that to make her feel secure I should never appear less than strong and competent, and not admit that sometimes I get tripped up and have trouble meeting my deadlines, and don't let her know about problems until its far too late and she's totally taken unaware and has crushed expectations. I guess the point is that I'm learning that what would make her feel secure would be to admit my struggles so that she could see how I'm working to overcome them for us, and let her into the process as a real partner, rather than pretending to be "perfect" - (and inevitably disappointing her). Well, that's my goal when I return and I know I really have to make a real change there. To clarify, I'm not making any excuses for anyone, especially myself, just because I've been so clueless. (Sorry about this meandering repetitive missive, but I know if I start to edit it, I'll never finish.) Lastly, ADDlove, I'm really impressed with the way you've made a tough decision to be proactive about pursuing your own happiness. All the best in building on this path going forward.

Response to that was then

by willowblue - 05/25/2009 - 18:49

"I guess the point is that I'm learning that what would make her feel secure would be to admit my struggles so that she could see how I'm working to overcome them for us, and let her into the process as a real partner, rather than pretending to be "perfect" - (and inevitably disappointing her)."

I think it's great that you see that point! I wish, I wish, I wish I could get my husband to see it too and open up to me. I think you are on the right track. Best wishes and good luck!

If you are engaged to someone with ADHD

by JAM - 04/29/2009 - 22:32

ARE YOU FLEXIBLE AND READY FOR ADVENTURE? In order to "tolerate confusion and last minute changes" one would have had to actually make some type of plans in the first place. Flexibility is the ability to adapt to changes in plans. If there are no plans, you have no idea of what is going on. How can you just go with the flow if there is no flow? If by being "ready for adventure" you mean the ADD spouse spending every evening watching TV then there's lots of adventure at my house. HOW WELL DO YOU COMMUNICATE ABOUT DIFFICULT OR HIGHLY EMOTIONAL ISSUES? I would say first of all: How well do you communicate - period! Example: I say something to my husband and he responds. He then denies having that conversation. Or better yet he says he really didn't mean what he said. Another Example: My husband thinks he has told me something and becomes upset that I am not able to recall what he hasn't told me. My Favorite Example: My husband says something and I really have no clue what he is talking about because he's either left out essential details or what he says is totally unrelated to the present conversation. I question him for clarity for me and he becomes upset. These are not emotional issues, just everyday conversations that are nearly impossible to carry on. So I've just quit initiating conversation. It's easier. And I know he doesn't care if we talk or not because he's said so. He says he likes things how they are. He's not willing to work on improving our communication. And why would he? He has an organizer, laundress, personal shopper, cook, cleaning person, outside worker, bill payer, chauffeur, etc. Why would he want anything to change? That would require some effort on his part.

Thank you Melissa for this

by brendab - 05/12/2009 - 14:04

Thank you Melissa for this article. Many times I've read posts here and wanted to run the other way, but then I look at this man I love and can't imagine allowing this one difference to end the relationship. After only 2 months of dating, I suddenly wondered if he was ADD. I virtually knew nothing about ADD and for the next 8 months I read at least 20 books and did a ton of research online. I am completely convinced that this 56 year old man has been crippled relationally and financially because of his undiagnosed ADD. If I ignore the ADD symptoms, I would have to say that I have found a best friend. We have so many things in common and have a similar life purpose.

His hyperfocus has been over for 5 months and I am still in love with him. To be with my best friend I realize that I must change some of my knee jerk expectations. The problems that surface are partly because I have not developed the skills I need to interact positively when we have conflict. One of the areas I need to work on is my tendency to overreact to unrealized expectations. For instance, a few weeks ago he promised to loan me his car and then broke his promise the very hour I was supposed to use it. I felt so betrayed and unloved, but I realize now that it was just an ADD impulse to change his plans. More importantly I learned that I tend to overreact, make some wrong assumptions, and attack verbally rather than have a backup plan and discuss the problem later when I calm down.

But not all of my expectations should change. For instance, my biggest concern is financial. I am divorced, live frugally and can support myself. I realize that it is very important that I have strong boundaries for my assets and that I cannot enter into any joint accounts, property, or debts with him. This is just a reality and an area that I do not have to be vulnerable.

So I guess my main point is that there are some areas of my life that will have strong non-negotiable boundaries, but I will also strive to be more flexible and grow in my own self-control. He has taught me many valuable lessons and if we never marry I will always be grateful to have known such a kind, tenderhearted man. I know that he has had so much pain because he is unaware of how undiagnosed ADD affects every aspect of his life.

When I divorced from a nonADD spouse, I learned that I had no boundaries which literally made me feel impotent to do anything about my life. I had a chronic low grade depression for many years. I was still able to function but had no deep joy or contentment. Since then I have realized that I can set any boundary I want as long as I maintain it. I do not have to live at the whim of someone else's poor decisions.

I would really hope that the nonADD people reading this blog will take the time to figure out how to strengthen their own boundaries because that is all you really have power to do. Figure out what kind of life you want and list specific steps how you can get there. You may very well stay with an ADD spouse but protect and take care of yourself. My healing came when I took my eyes off my ex and looked inward at the kind of peace and contentment I wanted for myself. Then I set out to get it. Now I have joy and contentment that made all the effort worth it.

If you do it, don't say you weren't warned.

by Ki - 05/17/2009 - 12:21

I'm sorry. I'm not going to sugar coat this. I'd say run for the hills. But if you want to marry the add person know that it is a nightmare. It is all fun at first, when your young and carefree. But once you start having to do "adult" things and bring children into the mix it is an absolute nightmare. I'm totally exhausted, I have no joy in my life except for my 2 year old. I want my husband out my face and out of my life. He has caused nothing but complete chaos and aggrivation to me, his parents, my parents and anyone close to him. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders in addition to essentially raising another person. Just having a simple conversation about something as harmless as the weather is totally exhausted and aggrivating. I hate talking to him, I hate relying on him. I can't believe a word he says. Normal people, you ask them, what color is grass. They say green. My husbands answer, " That grass is really orange, it just looks green because of the red spectrum from the sun hitting it at a 2 degree angle" Completely made up. His brain just took 5 different things (A commercial he heard on the radio about landscaping a month before, something he flipped through on the Discovery channel that dealt with the Sun that morning, I was wearing an orange shirt at the time, and the fact he saw an red ladybug on the grass at the time the question was asked) and made up a fairy tale.

He can't keep a job. 16 jobs in 7 years. Went to college twice and failed out. Went to trade school and just stopped showing up, got kicked out of the airforce, and has spent his entire life treading water just above drowning. Now he has dragged me into the pond with him and he is standing on my head to keep his above water.

He thinks about nothing before he does it and it always comes back and bits us all in the butt and causes drama! He has gotten us into so many retarded situations because he just goes for 0 - 100 without thinking about it. Of cousre I have to clean up the messes because they screw up my life too.

Unfortunately he is probably the most loving and sincere person I've ever met. And would make a WONDERFUL husband and father if he didn't have this problem.

This woman is trying to sugar coat it with things like, "In each case she organizes most things and provides the driving force and momentum to the relationship and he contributes much more subtle things – a warmth with the kids, lots of surprises which keep things varied, intensity, breadth of interests and passions. "

Which translates into the non-ADD person will have ALL the responsibilities, clean up the mess and chaos that come with all those "surprises" and have to make all the decisions and do all the work and the ADD person gets to dilly dally around and play.

I walked into this with red flags that in hindsight I should have heeded. And because I believe in marriage as being unbreakable and don't want to create a broken home for my child I'm trying to suffer through this (Yes, its suffering).

IF you getting ready to marry an ADD person just read through this site and try to make your decisions. This is what your life is going to look like.

I'm not sorry, and I'm not

by ginniebean - 05/26/2009 - 08:29

I'm not sorry, and I'm not going to sugar coat this either. You are extrapolating way over the line. I have been a single mother, ADHDer, with all the responsibility. You're also using every possible means to avoid looking at the fact that YOU FAILED too. Your anger, blame and irrationality evidenced by suggesting that ALL people with ADHD are exactly like your husband is coming from a vindictive place. You don't care, you just want to punish everyone with adhd, because "POUT" you failed!. Yes, when a marraige fails it does take two. You could not keep your eye on the ball either. You failed to adjust, you failed to take responsibility for your life and your own happiness. Don't assume everyone will.

My ex doesn't have adhd and when he was irresponsible, when he was self involved I didn't have the luxury of hanging it all on a diagnosis. What I did have was the gruelling pace of working multiple jobs and full responsibility for my children's welfare. I not only survived but so did my children and they are doing very well, as upstanding citizens.

How dare you imply that people with ADHD are all nightmares, who should be lonely and left without relationship. You conveniently ignore that there are many people with ADHD in happy and fulfilling relationships. The blaming it all on ADHD is a red flag too. It means you're in some vortex of pain where you're lashing out and you're lashing out at a lot of people you don't know squat about. I can understand that you refuse to let go of your fantasy marraige and how things "SHOULD" be but that really is your problem and no one elses.

Or maybe she's just had

by StopInterrupting - 06/10/2009 - 17:26

Or maybe she's just had enough. She was talking about her own personal experiences; she wasn't talking about you and it was you who took it personally. That's a trait I've come to know well, having lived with an ADD wife for close to 5 years now. I call it "defensive listening," taking things personally or taking insult when others (i.e., those without ADD) would not.

As for your husband's "irresponsible" behavior, hey, we are all human and we all make mistakes. However, pointing your finger at the rest of us and saying we make mistakes too is intellectually dishonest. The issue is not simple human mistakes, the issue is the pervasive chaos created by ADD in others' lives.

I HATE ADD. I really do. It's a burden, it's an imposition on the rest of us who don't have it who have to pick up the "mess" left by those in their life who do. It's certainly not something to be "celebrated" and anyone who tells you it is is possibly a masochist. On the other hand, I love my wife and that's why I stay with her even though I easily hate her at times (e.g., when she's on one of her rages). But it's a LOT of work and anybody here reading all these posts who is thinking about marrying someone with ADD should think long and hard before plunging into the CHAOS, because that's what it is. Pure chaos.

Reckless ranting

by ailin - 07/27/2010 - 22:46

StopInterrupting, you are misreading the original comment.

She isn't just describing her personal experience. She says "If you want to marry the add person know that it is a nightmare. ... IF you getting ready to marry an ADD person just read through this site and try to make your decisions. This is what your life is going to look like." It is in second person. It is general. It is absolute and unqualified. It is advice that applies to any and all people who might want to marry me. ME. This isn't selectively-defensive listening (which you say is an ADD trait that I must have, too). I'm looking at words on a page. She is using her personal experience to justify warning all potential partners against all people with ADD. End of story. That might not have been her intention, but those are her words.

You had better know every ADD'er in the world before you report all of us to be unmarryable. I have ADD and am horrified by lots of the stories here. Most of these ADD'ers obviously have bigger problems than just ADD anyway. You commenters have written many defenses about how "this is a place to vent to a sympathetic audience." But you're still talking about me when you make it sweeping.

I came here to learn tips and strategies for the day to day in my relationship. That is the professed mission of the site and the focus of the articles. If you are so far beyond hope that the tips don't apply to you, then end the relationship. Don't ruin the conversation for those of us who are still trying. You may need the validation that your rants fish for, but leave me out of it. You don't know me, and you don't know my commitment to managing ADD.

Generalizations are personal to the victim. Don't ask black people to have patience with white supremacists, don't ask gays to have patience with homophobes, and don't ask me to have patience with people who declare ADD'ers to be universally unsuitable partners.

The bitterness some of you commenters have against all ADD'ers is ruining a wonderful resource. I've found so many helpful tips in just two days. Please mind your wording -- and separate the objective and subjective before you project your spouses' bad behavior onto me.

Scapegoats

by j.mack - 08/15/2010 - 17:22

Ginniebean and Ailin both bring good points to this discussion. Throughout these blogs, I read a lot of prejudice, and almost as much blame, directed at the ADDers the authors ‘love’ so much! It is easy for a non-ADDer to pin all their life’s disappointments on the ADDer. Yet, there are countless examples of highly successful ADDers. It is easier for the non-ADDer to characterize ADDers as being defensive listeners rather than take responsibility for their own communication. Examples of scapegoat ADDers go on and on.

These blogs are a great resource for people who are looking for help with ADD – whether they have ADD or care about someone with ADD. As a man with ADD, separated from my wife of nine years, it is discouraging enough to read the well intentioned articles about the impacts ADD has on relationships. No matter how you slice it, both people are in for a lot of hurt, a lot of work and potentially a lot of reward.

However, the vindictive extrapolations and reckless ranting are evidence of the authors’ hate – not advice or assistance. Kudos to Ginniebean and Ailin for providing the counterpoint, and calling out the prejudice. Kudos to the countless non-ADDers who continue to use this resource to help the ADDers they love – and to those who are just plain trying to figure things out.

This is exactly me too.

by Almost Over Now - 02/19/2010 - 19:21

"He ... spent his entire life treading water just above drowning. Now he has dragged me into the pond with him and he is standing on my head to keep his above water."

I'm divorcing him right now. He isn't mentally retarded. If he wants to face the reality that his life has been a catastrophe and he's losing the best thing that ever happened to him because he wants to keep living in denial about the ADHD, it's not going to be my problem anymore.

wow

by agnesann - 05/22/2009 - 20:29

We just (as in 5 days ago) put the pieces of the ADD puzzle together with our counselor. After 11 years together, during which I felt that I was losing my mind most of the time, I finally said, "Something is seriously wrong with my husband." Now we have to begin the hard, long path toward understanding out new life together......This article is immensely helpful. Thank you.

wow by agnesann

by newfdogswife - 05/23/2009 - 10:03

My thoughts are with you. Yes, it possibly will be a long, hard path toward an understanding. Hopefully, in your case, your husband isn't stubborn like mine and will accept his counselor's help. My husband has been going to a counselor for awhile now and says he is benefiting from it but I have yet to see any changes in his character other than his anger issues, which they worked on a long time ago......

I have been reading these

by Elisabeth - 06/29/2009 - 08:57

I have been reading these comments with great interest. I guess I take a little bit of offense to comments that suggest dating an ADDer is a no-go zone....particularly when much worse things can and often do go wrong in a relationship, whether ADD is present or not.

If someone had given me this advice, that is to head for the hills, and I had followed it, then I would not be with the love of my life now.

I can only go on my own experience but my own experience of being with an ADDer has been nothing short of wonderful. I am with a kind, loving, hard working man who loves to communicate with me and show me nothing but love and honesty. I have never had this kind of depth to any previous relationship and those were all with non-ADDers. We have an honesty and open line of communication that we do not see amongst many other couples - and we tend not to have all the drama other couples do because of this. In regards to the non-ADD couples I know, if I had a dollar everytime a mate told their spouse that they were working late rather than admitting they were actually stopping for a quick Friday night drink on their way home, or the old "What's wrong honey?" "I'm FINE" routine and then seen the drama unfold once the little "harmless" white lie is uncovered or the truth of pulled out bit by bit, I would be a rich woman (just some examples I can give you). We know exactly where we stand with each other, which is a lot more than most non-ADD couples I know. We work hard at our relationship and at managing the ADD, and to read that people would run the other way makes me feel sad because chances of our children having ADD are high and so I would hate to think that they would have this negativity towards them when ADD can be a managed and workable condition with the right treatment, support and networks.

I love my fella just as he is and would not trade any part of him for anything. He feels the same way - particularly about his ADD. We are well aware of how ADD affects our lives and tend to focus on the positives - yes there are many. And no, contrary to one of the comments above, we are not masochistic. We are just very upfront, honest and direct about what we are dealing with and it works for us.

Thank you for your post Elisabeth...

by Caroline - 07/24/2009 - 14:27

Elisabeth, reading your post was a breath of fresh air. I told my husband about some the negative posts I stumbled across on this site, and he told me to stop reading them ;) I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was five. I am now 27 and happily married to a man without ADHD. My husband reads books with me on ADHD and embraces that part of me. He loves the way my mind works and I love the way his works as well. We compliment oneanother in many positive ways. I feel it's important to embrace the positives. He says I help him step outside the box and I know it's his calm nature that holds me together at times when I'm highly frustrated or overly emotional. People with ADHD do have certain things in common, but it doesn't mean that we are all the same. In any relationship or marriage it is about finding someone you mesh well with, someone you love and don't want to live without, regardless of their imperfections. No one is perfect, regardless of whether you have ADHD.

I (and others) envy you because your heart wasn't broken.

by Almost Over Now - 02/19/2010 - 19:36

I'm sure many of us who have been in miserable relationships with someone with ADHD read your post with envy. I do. Because we all fell in love with a person who has ADHD. I don't think anyone is denying that people with ADHD are loveable because we all loved one. The question is whether the person is able to hack it in a healthy relationship and if there weren't a package of behaviors particular to ADHD that put a serious strain on relationships then this forum and all these posts wouldn't exist. But happily, there are some people with ADHD who are managing it, and have good relationship skills, and they're able to make relationships work with other people. I love and miss the man I'm going to divorce. He was the love of my life, but all my empathy and understanding, teaching him about fighting fair and good communication, forgiveness and patience through endless cycles of repeated misbehavior were not enough to get him where he needed to be and that's the case for most of the frustrated, angry, exhausted posters on here who have come to this forum primarily to ease their pain by finding others who can relate to the hell they've lived through. It would be like pouring salt in the wound to see a bunch of posts about how other couples with ADHD are happy.

We all know it could have been awesome with our ADHD partner, if the circumstances were different, but most of us here exhausted every possible solution and still came up short which is why there's so much bitterness and genuine concern for people who've already seen the red flags and yet are considering going forward with a lifelong committment to the person.

To people considering marrying someone with ADHD I would say THINK VERY CAREFULLY - see whether you and your partner have the skills, knowledge, energy and commitment to invest in solving big issues (beyond the scope encountered in a marriage between two people without a comparable challenge) and see how many major problems can be resolved BEFORE marrying because things only get more complex when joint finances and parenting are involved. If I had any idea what I was in for, I would NOT have thrown good after bad for years with the man who became my husband. It would have ended at the 6-month mark.

Accept and deal with it

by Sunray4life - 07/10/2009 - 04:40

I myself have been diagnosed with ADD at the age of 24, in 2001. I am a lucky person, because in Germany ADD in adults is still more of a "rumour" than a diagnose. Nevertheless, I have been able to maintain long relations before my diagnose - my first boyfriend stayed with me for 6 years. My fiance I was with at the time when being diagnosed was my partner for eight years and we broke up about other issues than ADD.

Now I am about to get married - and from day one of getting to know my husband, I knew he is ADD as well. His son is diagnosed. He is in the military and cannot really get medicamentation, at least he is worried about being put out due to that diagnose. For me, I know all the things he is going through, and it is easier for me to deal with him for sure - though it is not always paradise!

Just yesterday I started to get back on medicamentation (had to drive six hours by train for a 15 minutes doctor appointment in my old hometown because I did not find any doctor around here taking ADD in adults as a diagnosis). After 2 years without methylphenidat I thought I had "overcome" the disorder, but I think I got to accept that it stays all my life with me, and that there will be times I can deal with it better and times I can deal with it worse. The stress of organising a wedding make it worse, and I know for my partner it has been hard the last 4 weeks when I was in a depressive and agressive "hole". Still my partner was supporting me and trying everything to make me better.

But, what I want to say really, is: when we get married, do we not say we will accept the flaws of the other person? ADD is not something we "like" or we "do" to the other person as ADD-people - it is a disorder. As long as the partner tries to understand that this is not personal, and the ADD person tries to be in control of the negative sides of ADD and gets help to deal with it, wether counseling or/and medicaments, it is one of the things that should not break up a marriage, at least one based on mutual love and understanding. But that's just me - I would not run either when my partner has a car accident and gets paralised. Sonja

Changed my mind hundreds of times.

by vcalkins - 07/21/2009 - 14:31

There have been many, many times that I've planned to leave my husband but we're still married. I am the type of person who likes to "fix" things and people. So when my husband was diagnosed 20 years ago, I took it upon myself to fix him and when I couldn't, I thought it must be his fault.....that's when I felt most hopeless and depression would always set in. (Would my husband have married me if he had known that I was a fixer and proned to depression? I think so.) I can chase depression away when I work on changing myself...when I find encouraging friends to support me, when I read the word of God and make my way closer to Him. I was reading about a woman who was feeling very alone while her husband battled depression and long term health issues. Did she wonder if she should have ever married him? Maybe, but people would not think her justified for those feelings...you know sickness or health....etc. A wise friend asked her if she would marry that man. She was confused because she was already married to that man. But her friend meant THAT man. Would she marry him the way she knew him now? I've been asking myself that lately and I can honestly say that when I see my husband for the way he really is (not what I want him to be) my love for him grows. Yes, I'm learning to love THAT man.

ADD can change with time

by arwen - 08/14/2009 - 12:43

Melissa, you have put together a wonderful group of considerations about this question, and I agree with you that people should not automatically avoid relationships, including marriage, with ADDers. But I do feel there is one aspect of the situation which you are overlooking.

My husband has ADD (I do not), as do all the men in his extended birth family in his generation and the several generations before his, and a handful of the women. In the men, their ADD manifestation actually changes over the course of their lives, relative to their hormones -- they have classic problems as youngsters, the ADD behaviors abate significantly during puberty, so that they do not appear to have ADD at all, then resurge in their early forties as hormone levels have dropped. This pattern has been manifest regardless of occupation, marital status, offspring or no. From talking and sharing experiences with others, I know that this "grow out"-"grow back in" pattern has happened with others who have ADD that are not part of my husband's family as well, although not all experience as strong a resurgence as my husband's family seems to experience.

Those of us who are married to this particular variety of ADDer typically saw very mild or no symptoms when we met and married our spouse, and only later experienced the full-blown ADD behaviors as they "grew back in" to their earlier problems. Of course, ADD is much better recognized today than even a generation ago, and many of our spouses had not been diagnosed with it as kids (especially if they were not hyperactive, as my husband is not). So neither they nor we had any clue that they had ADD when we met and married -- we weren't attracted to them while they were exhibiting ADD behaviors, we were attracted to them when they seemed pretty close to normal.

The reason that I make this point is that since today we do diagnose ADD somewhat more effectively than in the past, a younger person today is more likely to know whether his/her partner has ADD already. But they should not necessarily assume that the behaviors they see today are the same behaviors that will manifest in the future!! They need to consider not only the question of whether they have the ability to deal with whatever level of ADD manifestation they are seeing now, but also whether they can handle possible future behaviors that can have much more adverse effects on the relationship and on family life. I understand that ADDers like my husband are not the norm, but I suspect there are more than has been appreciated by the medical and counseling community.

I know that I would have married my husband even had I known about his ADD, because I was cocky and bright and I thought I could handle anything life threw at me. Life has taught me to be a little wiser, and if my husband had passed away and I was contemplating a second relationship with another ADDer, I'm pretty sure I would not choose marriage, once around was more than enough for me. My daughter is in a longterm relationship with a young man who has ADD, and I am really concerned about her marrying him, even though he seems to be a fine young man who has a far better grip on his ADD than my own spouse does, and whose older ADD relatives don't seem to fit the same pattern as my husband. While I don't tell her she shouldn't marry this young man, I do feel it's important for her to understand that the face of his ADD could change, and she could find herself married to someone significantly different from the person with whom she walked down the aisle.

Intrigued by note that ADD can change over time

by willowblue - 08/14/2009 - 13:59

Hi Arwen,

Thanks for your post. I am really intigued as I have previously written the below in connection with which I was quite puzzled. Have you found any explanations in the literature? Do you have any idea if there are specific patterns to the changes? I am especially interested if my husband is likely to go through another change and if so if there are any ideas of when that is likely to take place. Any other insight you have I would love to hear.

Excerpts from previous posts:

Around his turning age 38 [in reference to my husband] I started noticing a variety of changes in my husband that have continued to this day [he's now 44]. I don't know if they were triggered by or are a part of mid life crisis (whatever that is). In any event around that age he started needing less sleep [previously he always needed more then me - now I can never keep 2 steps ahead], started being more interested extreme sports [when I first met him I was the one to sign up for river rafting, mountain climbing etc.... now he's the one and wants to step it up all the time], started being more interested in his appearance and started feeling what, on reflection, I describe as the itch - a feeling of dissatifaction and a need to do something. It was shortly thereafter that he commenced his first affair. As part of these changes I think he has become much more interested in sex and his sex drive has increased. I am not sure why all these changes have come about. One theory is that work was satisfying enough to quell the itch or satisfy the need for thrill seeking (he often deals with life and death) but over time it's not enough but this does not explain the needing less sleep. My sense is that there are some changes going on but what exactly and why, I am not sure.

My son's diagnosis is combined type ADHD and I think it's accurate although he started to become much less hyperactive in an around grade 4. Moreover the Different Minds: Gifted Children With AD/HD, Asperger Syndrome, and Other Learning Deficits” by Deidre Lovecky describes general attributes of gifted ADHD individuals and breaks down the descriptions into inattentive versus combined. My son fit more of the inattentive descriptions in her book then the combined but especially as a young child he bounced off the walls unless I read. ... I 've been intrigued by this apparent transformation in him starting, like I said, in and around grade 4 because the other literature that I have read seemed to indicate that I shouldn't expect slowing down until adolescence.

reply to intrigued about ADD changes

by arwen - 08/14/2009 - 16:49

I have not found any explicit explanations in any literature for these ADD changes. Empirically, all I can say is that they seem to be hormone-related because they occur at times of life where hormones are changing. It's my understanding that some hormones do affect serotonin levels in the brain, and since serotonin is a key factor in ADD/ADHD, I'm sure there's a connection there somewhere.

Re: your son, keep in mind that puberty-related changes aren't always visible. Some of the early changes are less profound than we tend to think of in association with puberty, but that does not mean puberty hasn't started. Same with mid-life hormonal changes. For example, I've just come through menopause, but I started experiencing some of the early, less profound, hormone related changes as much as 10 years ago. My son's ADD changes also started around 4th grade.

I'm fascinated by what you write of your experience with your husband! Even though the manifestations are very different between your case and mine, the *timing* is surprisingly similar! My husband began exhibiting some ADD symptoms at age 38 -- but things kicked up several notches around age 43. What interest me greatly is that your husband now needs much less sleep, whereas mine needs much more. Your husband became more active, mine less. Your husband became more interested in his appearance, mine never cared a lot (being color blind, he couldn't see the colors in his clothes,etc) and now is pretty much oblivious to his personal appearance (sometimes he's pretty grungy).

I'm no professional, but I have read a great deal about serotonin, including scientific papers, since serotonin is also key with my spouse's other problem, Seasonal Affective Disorder (which was not a problem before midlife but is now). I'm pretty sure that what has happened with my husband is that his serotonin levels dropped through mid-life hormone changes. (I don't really have enough info about his childhood to know whether his serotonin might have raised or lowered during puberty, although I understand that serotonin typically does increase at this time.) The reason I conclude this is because he has seasonal serotonin changes with his SAD (higher in summer, drops in fall, lower in winter, raises in spring) and the behavior he exhibited pre-midlife was like his current summer behavior. (I've often thought my husband would make a fabulous case study, lol!) It's very normal for everyone's serotonin levels to drop during midlife change, but it appears to me that it affects ADDers more than the norm.

You should not necessarily conclude from this that your husband's serotonin levels have risen during midlife because his changes are the opposite of my husband's! As I understand it, there are numerous subtypes of ADD/ADHD, where some involve high serotonin, some involve low serotonin, some involve irregular serotonin, etc etc. It may be that your husband's serotonin levels were extremely high before midlife, and now they have dropped to a more normal level, or they were less regular before and now are more regular. These are very subtle chemical interactions going on in the human body, and are still not well understood even by the medical community.

One thing I would note about your husband's reduced sleep need: this is not unusual when levels of some ADD meds are too high. If your spouse was on meds before this midlife change, you may want to investigate the possibility that his med levels are now too high for his present condition. We've had to tweak my husbands meds periodically as his serotonin levels continue to drop over time and have significant effects on his SAD symptoms in winter.

Finally, here's a really seemingly wacky but possibly useful thing to know about serotonin -- low levels can also make you more susceptible to infections, especially fungal infections. My husband used to get athlete's foot and jock itch from time to time, got more frequent in his late 30's (sound like anything you've heard before?), stopped for years after he got on ADD meds, now happens in winter but not in summer. So, you may be able to get an idea of whether your spouse's serotonin levels are changing or have changed by finding out if there are any changes in his incidence of fungal infections!! If he routinely gets them, I would guess his serotonin levels are too low.

I would *LOVE* to work on research on this particular issue, but I am not even remotely involved in the medical profession or bio-science, I'm involved in computer systems and have no qualifications for such work. Maybe Melissa or Ned will start a blog for this topic?

Arwen, I think my husband has

by newfdogswife - 08/15/2009 - 11:15

Arwen,

I think my husband has experienced the "out" and "in" patterns of ADD, too. It's interesting when you really think back about alot of your life together and truly see this.

getting married in less than 3 months..

by ccmartinez1979 - 09/16/2009 - 15:14

Wow! I am so happy to have found this blog about marriage and adhd. I am about to walk down the aisle with my fiancee who was recently dx with adhd and given medication a few months ago. When I met him nearly 3 years ago, he had just broken up with his ex girlfriend of 9 years. He had been with her since he was 16 years old, had a business together, and practically living together. When we first met he told me that his ex gf told him he had adhd, but since he had never been formally diagnosed, I never paid attention to it, until now. Reading everyone's comments, I have experienced some of the things someone with adhd tends to do...gambing, lying, impulsivity, cannot manage his finances, and instabilty with jobs.

A few months after we met, I caught him lying and found out he was gambling almost every weekend. We broke up for a year, and after many months of him proving himself to me and him accepting God as his personal savior, things improved for us and we got back together. He is a very loving person, generous, helpful, great cook, intelligent, goal oriented and is aware of his condition. We got engaged in June 2009 and are planning to wed this December 2009. I failed to research about his condition of adhd, and just now trying to understand why he can't follow through with the things I ask him to do in regards to planning the wedding.

I love him, but I am very afraid of what I am getting myself into....

It is scary!!

by dina123 - 09/18/2009 - 00:41

I know is a difficult decision to make, when you are so inloved, and the other person seems almost perfect and so willing to work and change, not all cases are the same and not everybody ends in a horror movie, but I guess most do. Be very carefull, maybe give it more time, specially ADD and gambling, all ready any addiction is horrible. My husband went from not gambling for 4 or 5 years (or so I thougt) to gamble 1/4 million in a month or two. Without mentioning that the 9 years of our marriege have been extrimly diff. and the las 3 or 4 HORRIBLE!!!

One year roller coaster

by Laurie - 12/31/2009 - 12:37

I broke down crying at work when I found this website/blog. This explains everything that has gone on in my life over the past year. I can't describe the feelings I had when I realize how similiar my situation is to some of you. I had no idea this was the explanation for what has happened.

A year ago, I was getting out of a long term marriage where my spouse was constantly critical, inattentive and unsupportive. I am successful professionally and been told I'm attractive, smart, funny, etc. But years of being told otherwise from my spouse led me to serious personal self confidence issues. However I still found a lot of creativity and rewards in my work, so I ignored the problems. But stress finally caused the marriage to fall apart.

I have fallen in love with a friend with ADD. He was up front about his having ADD. He is charming, fun and exciting. I have also experienced the "hyper-focus" from him - I had never had this extreme amount of attention, being constantly told I am beautiful, sexy, smart and funny. He says I am the love of his life. We were best friends before lovers and have sworn to remain best friends forever. I truly love everything about him - he is passionate, sincere, funny, kind, smart, handsome and the sweetest person I have ever known. He constantly checks on me during the day, even when he is busy at work, through texting or instant messaging. He has told me I am the most beautiful, smart, sexy perfect person.

I am now occasionally experiencing him withdrawing. This has happened several times, but the most recent was after a minor disagreement where he hurt my feelings. When I let him know, somehow it got turned around that it was my fault (ok, I probably was being overly sensitive, but I can't help if my feelings get hurt) and then we had to have the conversation that he wasn't sure this was the relationship he wanted or wants for the rest of his life. He wants me in his life, but he has to "figure out who he is" too. Our relationship has been very intense - both on the friendship level as well as initimately. We are very compatible physically. I thought his feelings have changed.... which he insists is not the case. He does still vary from the intense "love" and attention to being distracted..... I can live with this - I understand that someone can't be perfect and loving and attentive all the time, but I am very afraid that his profession of love is really just the stimulation of the new relationship that everyone has talked about in this post. I don't think I can tune down the relationship at this point. About once a month, he acts like he wants to go back to being "just friends" but the rest of the time we practically live together, with sex every night, and his constant attention.

I am devastated to realize that I am not special in this...I really thought I had found a soul mate. And I thought he was just afraid of commitment because he went through a divorce recently as well. I thought we were special and this was worth fighting for.... but some of my thought was based upon his obvious love for me as well. I am still certain of how I feel, but now I am incredibly uncertain about him and am seeing so many similiarities in your posts.

Heartbroken.

One year roller coaster

by Laurie - 12/31/2009 - 12:37

Heartbroken.

Laurie - Don't Be Heartbroken

by MelissaOrlov - 12/31/2009 - 13:53

Laurie - he might still be your soul mate. It's okay to have fun with a hyperfocus courtship (as well as a possible rebound relationship, which is a possibility for you) and you can come out of that hyperfocusing on each other and still be in love and have a great life together.

So, let me give you a different way of looking at your situation. First, you have found someone with whom you are very compatible and whom you love deeply. YAY! Second, you know about the ADD in your relationship up front. This is also a very good thing. Third, you know the value of a good relationship (having been in a bad one) and that they are worth fighting for. Fourth, this site can give you the resources you need to avoid the common traps that couple with ADHD in their relationship fall into.

The most important thing that the two of you need to be thinking about right now is developing good patterns for negotiation when you have conflict. If you can do this, your relationship can not only survive, but thrive. These patterns are based upon: mutual respect for your individuality (including differences); an ability to see the "forest for the trees" (i.e. not everything has to be a crisis!); the development of specific conversational and negotiation tools that work for the two of you.

So here are some of my tips:

embrace the fact that the two of you do things differently. Don't assume that the "fastest" way of getting something done is always the "best" way.
agree that sometimes it's okay to "take a time out" if an argument is starting to escalate. Promise that you will come back to that topic...write down what it is so you don't forget...and set a specific time to do so.
don't overload your lives with routines and commitments that need constant attention any more than you have to. This includes simple things (put bills on autopay, for example, so you don't have to worry about them every month) and more complex things (think twice before committing to that oversized mortgage). The less "pressure" you can put on yourselves as a couple, the less ADHD will come to interfere in your lives.
schedule "together time" AND STICK TO IT
master the art of "learning conversations". There will be much you don't understand about each other. Learning conversations can help you stay in touch with each other and strengthen your understanding of just how different you are
keep dating. Make sure you date past the time when the hyperfocus wears off and you are both "just you". You'll get a good idea of how important these negotiation and living together tactics are...and that you can do well. (FEAR of potential disaster is will be a problem for you if you move past letting it motivate you to do things well in your relationship to letting it block you from doing fun, creative and happy things together. Don't let fear take over!)
open up the conversation about ADHD in a non-judgmental and accepting way. Don't forget that the very characteristics that you say you love about your partner are also ADHD characteristics. What people with ADHD want more than anything else in the whole world is to be loved for who they are.
make sure you find ways to "get things done" without you being the only person who does them. As you continue to date, find ways to share the workload. This will take effort, but is critical to your success as a couple over the long term.

Please don't give up on this relationship yet! ADHD in itself doesn't doom relationships. What hurts these relationships is the misinterpretation of ADHD symptoms, and not setting yourselves up for succeeding in a way that takes ADHD into account. Embrace the ADHD and all that comes with it, set up ways to make sure you continue to be each others' best friends and you could have something very special.

You could easily be dating my

by Jeannie - 12/31/2009 - 15:53

You could easily be dating my ex. He tells all of the women he dates how beautiful, sexy, wonderful they are...multiple women at the same time. Then after a while, the newness wears off and he wants to be just friends with them. This is not to say the same about your friend. Just be cautious. As Melissa says, date him longer. But remember the old adage, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't. We all want to be special. So it hurts so much when the treatment starts changing. Does he give excessive flattery (not just compliments) to others, too? Does it seem like he is just boistering the self-esteem of others and being nice? Does he say things in a way so that you pity him?

Why just him?

by Angel30eyes - 01/30/2010 - 12:08

I have ADHD and I am a woman, I have been married for 14 yrs and have 3 children, 2 of whom have ADHD, my 13 yr old son is very bad, he also has severe OCD and ODD, I am the type of girl who does sit here at 9pm and decide to go visit someone or want to go for a walk, 9 times out of 10 nowadays we don't but 7 yrs ago I would get highly aggressive if I couldn't go, I tend to become attracted to lots of men who are our friends and then after the initial flirting wears off and I get bored they are left feeling wounded, I don't cope very well with it and as an adult in the UK there are few services for adults wih ADHD, when I was a kid I was a nightmare, my school reports were of hyperactivity and fidgeting and non stop talking, did he docs help my mum? NO, so here I am as an adult totally depressed and losing my mind, how does my husband cope? I have no bloody idea but we both love each other very much and I would be lost without him, yes the hyper attention wore off not long after we had children and I will get bursts of over attention to him, but he is used to it and he knows what I have and he loves me for it, even though when we first met I didn't know what was wrong with me let alone him yet we cope and he wouldn't have me any other way

I have all different urges to try new things and never stick to them, I have done courses and never stck to any of them untill I did Interior Design which because I am very creative held my attention for long enough to pass, I change the decor in my house frequently and drive the kids nuts as I change my mind so much but it is who I am, has anyboy thought to ask what it is like for some who has ADHD, I hate the way I feel most of the time an how I treat people but I really can't help it, please have a little thought to us

I am not sure why you think that we don't

by Aspen - 01/30/2010 - 14:40

I can totally understand that your ADD is the reason behind your behaviors. I can sympathize with how uncomfortable it makes you. I have several friends in a similar boat as you as far as interests and behaviors that are all over the place. Most of them have a mate that is hanging in there and making it work with varying degrees of success. It affects me mildly when I try to have plans with them, but I understand their limitations and can roll with it when I am with them. It does however limit how much time I'm willing to spend with them. One we have to tell a 45 minute eariler time to be somewhere just to hope that she'll make it before dinner is over.

Does ADD cause this? Yep. The fact that it is so uncontrolled makes it so that many other people do not enjoy spending time with them. Is that the friends fault that they are not *considering* what it's like for the ADD person? You may think yes, but I think no. They go out with them some, but they don't want to be waiting around, stressed out, and/or bombarded by one person's every thought while trying to have a nice night out. It is irritating regardless of the cause. I have another friend that is blind. She is also included some, but she has a lousy personality and is difficult to deal with (not all because of her disability) so she is limited in how often she is invited out. She is not relaxing and doesn't allow anyone else to relax. Ironically our ADD friends generally don't want to hang out with other ADD friends because it puts them into *competition* for center stage and they exhaust themselves--demonstrating no concern for the rest of us who were exhausted hours before!

A person with ADD that is under control has less negative affect on others. It is just a fact. People are busy and they are stressed in general. If some people choose not to be further stressed by a friend who acts in a way that bothers them, they have a right to make that decision.

You sound to me like a great person. I'm sure you'd be a fun person to have as a friend. I can assure you that based on your post I absolutely could not be married to a person with the qualities you display. I need a different kind of partner...not someone who is going to spend time remodelling the house when thousands of other things actually *need* to be done, not someone who is going to spend time and money to take a lot of courses that they won't stick to, and certainly not someone who is going to flirt with our friends. That to me is disrespectful and embarrassing for everyone involved and around in my opinion. I need to be with a person who is actively working toward joint goals.

I am married to an ADD man who now has his ADD mostly under control. He was undiagnosed when we met and until more than 5 years into our married life. He frustrated me with his behaviors but I never didn't love him. Now that I know the cause, I can roll much better with his ADD behaviors because I DO consider where he is coming from and what he can and cannot help. He has fabulous qualities that make any negatives worth the effort. It sounds like you've found a man who accepts you ADD behaviors and all and I am SOO happy for you. You make it work with a man who definitely considers you and what is behind behaviors that other people would likely describe as erratic.

I don't think people saying that they do not want to be married to a person with certain kinds of ADD are being inconsiderate to people with ADD. I know people who say they don't want to marry a person who already has kids, or who doesn't want kids, or is less educated than they are, or more educated than they are. It is all personal preference and it is about each of us finding our match.

For a lot of people that is a person without ADD, or without unmedicated ADD, but that is not a limiting factor for everyone. And I don't think either is inconsiderate toward what you go through, but some people don't want or can't take that kind of chaos into their lives. That recognition is GREAT for everyone in my opinion because everyone has the opportunity to find someone who will be HAPPY with them....warts and all...and not disappointed, frustrated, or angry.

I wish I had warned my wife!

by mountaintop - 02/02/2010 - 22:45

I didn't know I had ADHD until my 4th yr of marriage, but I wish I could've warned her. If I had, I don't think I would've married someone who can't grow from the variety I bring to her life!

How Depressing

by mbtb - 02/14/2010 - 23:33

I have only just found this site, and upon reading all of these posts, I had to stop and ask my husband if being married to me was really this bad. I read him some of the comments, and he laughed and told me that he loves me exactly as I am.

I have ADD, and was not diagnosed until I was an adult. Does it affect my behaviour? I would say that it makes some things more challenging for me. However, I am responsible for my behaviour, not my ADD. Am I frequently late? The answer is sometimes, but not more than 5-10 minutes late. I work really hard at that. Do I have problems being organized? A resounding YES!! My husband, bless him, does help in that regard, particularly with finanaces - taxes, my billing, etc. (I learned long ago to put my bills on pre-authorized payments!!). Anyway, he is simply better at that stuff than I am. I literally post lists of my morning routine, after work routine, after supper routine, because if I don't check things off as I do them, I will forget. My planner goes everywhere with me, and he knows that if it is really important, I need to write it down, and tells me to!! We are able to communicate really well together, and he never tries to "parent" me, thank goodness.

Do I have behaviours that bug him? Of course. He has behaviours that annoy me as well. I talk A LOT when my meds are wearing off, but he has learned to either tell me he is busy, or listen with half an ear. I can spend impulsively,never to the point of financial problems, but it still bothers him, and I work at it, because it is OUR money, and I feel that it is selfish and insensitive of me to worry him about it.

I am currently the sole wage earner - I have a very good job- as he has gone back to university. That was a joint decision we both made. It takes a huge effort for me to work the hours I do - about 50+ hours a week, plus try to be organized in making sure that we have groceries, meals, clean clothes, the dogs are fed and exercised and groomed, and the house is at the very least not a health hazard. He helps out equally in all these areas. I consider myself lucky to have him.

While I know that those of us with ADHD are prone to impulsive behaviour, things like excessive gambling, drinking, or rages are not necessarily part of ADD. It is my responsibility to manage my ADD and my behaviour. I refuse to use my ADD as an excuse for bad behaviour. It certainly is an explanation as to why some things are so very difficult for me, but that is all. Growing up with ADD, especially undiagnosed ADD, can leave people with a LOT of baggage. People "self-medicate" in various maladaptive ways - alcohol, drugs, gambling, anger, etc. And some people are simply addicts. And finally, some people are simply badly behaved. Period.

Using ADD as an excuse for your spouse's bad behaviour is not the best idea. Bad behaviour is simply that. Understanding why some things are so very difficult for your spouse is one thing. Having a spouse who refuses to learn to communicate, or control their impulsive behaviour, or try to learn to become organized to some extent, is not just due to ADD; yes they have problems in those areas BECAUSE they are ADD, but refusing to deal with any of it is, quite frankly, simply poor behaviour.

By the same token, using ADD as an reason for problems in a marriage also makes me wonder a bit. There is no doubt that ADD symptoms make life more difficult for people. I know. I live with those symptoms every single day. I take my meds, and use stratagies that are helpful to me. However, if I have a fight with my husband, it is not because I have ADD. It is because we have annoyed each other to an extent that our usual methods of communicating issues has broken down. That is OUR fault - not the fault of ADD. I love my husband dearly, and take responsibility for my part of our marriage. My husband married me - a woman with ADD, not a collection of ADD symptoms that happen to be in a woman.

Marriage and Kids in Shambles

by Dave - 02/26/2010 - 02:14

With all due respect Melissa, your expertise notwithstanding, under NO circumstances should anyone marry someone with ADD unless they are aware of it, have taken responsibility for it, are stabilized on medicine and have been in counseling for enough time that they have developed and incorporated excellent coping skills. I have been married for almost 18 years and it has been nothing short of a disaster. My wife is horrendously disorganized, disgustingly messy, obsessive, always chronically and excessively late, incapable of making any decisions and when she does, the aftermath of insecurity over having made it is insufferable. Worse, our kids have ADD and because she is completely incapable of setting or even following any sense of order, discipline and consequences, they are a bigger mess than her. The house is not to be believed. Forget that it is a physical mess, to the point that my side of the bed is literally piled up with her clothes and crap that i can't stay there - although we have no sex life at all and haven't for years, mainly because she is a complete turn-off. Forget that she has never even done anything to beautify the rooms. But it is so embarrassing that she will not let the kids have friends over. Now their crap is all over the floor. She won't clean up after herself and they don't either. So, not only has she effectively ruined my life, but she's ruining theirs. How well prepared will they be to take on life, careers and dare I say marriage with her as their role model. I cannot do anything with her because she'll never get it done until it's far too late and the stress of me trying to delegate anything to her is so bad because I know she won't take care of it. For crying out loud, even a damn phone call to make a time-sensitive appointment she can't do. She has turned my life into a living hell and I'm sick and tired of living this way. I would go have an affair, but I'm not that kind of person. Oh, did I mention that she has never been diagnosed ADD? Well, she hasn't and knowing that her marriage is on the verge of being destroyed (I have such hatred and resentment that it is likely beyond repair at this point), she still hasn't followed up on a referral to get evaluated. Even a counselor/coach left numerous voicemail messages expressing frustration that she wasn't returning calls. Actually, that's another thing; she rarely returns phone messages and when she does it's ridiculously belated.

If it wasn't so pathetic, it would be comical. But this is my life and she's ruined it. Frankly, even if it's ADD, I'm sorry, but it's no excuse for not dealing with it. It is rude and disrespectful to me and our kids. Plain and simple. Did I see warning signs when we were dating and thenn engage? Absolutely. But I failed to see them for what they were and certainly didn't understand their significance. She's like this because her mother followed her around like a dog's owner does with a pooper-scooper doing everything for her.

One more thing. I'm ADHD and have been off medicine since college. I had much counseling and have developed amazing organizational and other coping skills. Sadly, the last 18 years of my life have felt like living in quicksand. No order, only chaos and instability. I'm ready to move on, and had I realized where I would be now, there is no way I would have ever married her.

ADHD spouses

by seekingasylum - 03/24/2010 - 18:07

I am so sorry to have to say this, but if I had known all the emotional pain, financial pain, physical pain, and spiritual pain I and my three children would have suffered marrying an ADHD man it is the only thing in my life I would go back and make a point of doing differently. I was married for 22years, divorced now for almost 4 years, and he still creates stress, conflict and difficulties in all our lives because I still have one child that is 12. Former spouse uses him as a piece of property to continue to attempt to get back at me for not staying in an unhealthy relationship and taking care of him to my own physical, emotional, and spiritual detriment.

I mistakenly believed that if I divorced him I would be free of the emotional immaturity, stress, conflict, insecurity, anger, irritability, defensiveness, lack of compassion, financial stresses and many other quality-of-life desctructive characteristics that his denial and refusal to deal with the issues our family faced. A relationship can only exist where both partners are able to face the reality of day to day problems, learn effective communication skills, and positive conflict resolution. Running from job to job, changing living locations, and avoiding the past issues does not constitute a resolution to problems. It merely avoids thems and attempts to distract from them.

If you choose to marry a man with ADHD, TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! Know him well and whether or not he is willing and able to see and accept the extra help that your family will need to survive!!! For you will need help, particularly if you have children. In reality, you will have married someone that has the potential to be an adult child and therefore a constant responsibility instead of a partner.

When and why does the hyperfocus wear off?

by skoch21158 - 04/16/2010 - 21:36

I don't really understand how someone can change so drastically. Does this mean their personality alters? It couldn't be their character, that is something that does not change in anyone. How is this different than a 'normal' person putting on their A game and then once they have conquered the relationship they revert back to more of themselves. Could you please explain this? Thank you.

Changes of all Kinds

by plantlover - 05/18/2010 - 01:10

In my experience with my husband, the small changes happened over time as we settled into a life of raising kids, running a business, and managing a household. The bigger changes that affected how he acted were due to bigger events in our lives. Some of the big events that triggered more ADD behaviors were: extra job stress, a child leaving home, death of his father, and the challenges of watching his mother's aging. With the big events, it seemed to cause so much stress that it triggered significant changes in his behavior. I was used to the level of ADD that we'd had for a while - the forgetfulness, disorganization, etc. But after his father passed away, all of those things became MUCH worse. I've also heard that midlife changes can cause ADD behaviors to get worse, and that definitely fits for my husband.

I don't know if this is what you were asking, but I hope it helps.

Hyperfocus

by Bunsy - 08/08/2010 - 23:51

What I found is that after the hyperfocus wore off (in my experience) it was as if they had never met you, had never shared any intimacy, laughter, promises, love (or at least the words of it), intense sexual chemistry etc. And then he disappeared -- did not call any more (I mean, literally). It was as if he died.

I have been in former romantic relationships where the romantic dating frenzy quieted down (but even then, it was after about four years or so)... but the friendship and connection and trust was still there. Was always there. In the ADHD relationship, it was as if he -- literally -- felt no connection to me, at all. Like I was a stranger. Like the past had never happened. It was like he was a ghost, just, not there anymore.

If I did not have this forum/research, I would probably have a nervous breakdown over it. From reading all these posts, I see that it was not me. Was never me. I also see that he probably has a pattern of dating a woman 6 months and then -- on to the next!

Those poor women. I wonder if he even notices that no one wants anything to do with him after his behavior. Probably not. I sincerely think that he just rolls on to the next one. (I also note that nothing is ever his fault.... his ex wife is crazy, etc, etc)

He also gets a lot meaner, sarcastic, starts fights over nothing, etc. At least that has been my experience.

Hope

by leiacellaa23 - 04/18/2010 - 16:44

I've been married to my ADD husband for over four years now. We married just under a year after our first "real" conversation. I may be in the minority of the commenters here in that my husband was diagnosed as a child, so I entered the marriage with my eyes open. By the time we met, he'd found meds that worked for him pretty well. In reading through the comments, I've realized for the first time that he _was_ hyperfocused on me during our brief courtship and engagement, but that hyperfocus quickly melted away when we got pregnant (unexpectedly) two months into our marriage.

We've definitely had our ups and downs and it's been _HARD_ at times...but I think we have a few things going for us:

1) We have the same faith and values (so there is less friction about that, and we both recognized the length of the committment before we made it)

2) We're both probably more stubborn than is smart (it's almost a joke between us that neither of us is willing to be the one who throws in the towel, although both of us have considered it - we each are determined to at least stick it out longer than the other)

3) We were both in our late 20s before we met (so we each were independent, knew our own minds, and knew ourselves).

It DEFINITELY helps that hubs already accepts/admits his ADD, but also doesn't let it define him. He's open to trying non-medicinal treatment options, especially as I can point out specific patterns that are triggered by environmental things (red food dye being the most recent). We're also learning when to and when NOT to have a "discussion." He doesn't take his meds on the weekends, so we go through the daily tail off when he gets home, but we also go through another one over the weekend as more of it leaves his system (that is _NOT_ the time to introduce a trigger like the food dye, nor is it the time to try to talk about anything important).

There is definitely the potential (as the non-ADD spouse) for being taken for granted or being taken advantage of. I think we are able to deal with that because we were "older" when we met/married. I will stand up for myself when I am feeling that way, and he _knows_ (since he's done it) that he _can_ do these tasks (and how much work they take) all by himself if he needs to. At the same time though, I'm someone who can be intimidating (so I've been told), so it's always like a breath of fresh air when he's never afraid of or intimidated by me (one of the most endearing aspects of our courtship/engagement was that there was never a moment of wondering if we were dating or if he was my boyfriend - he was always very frank about it and very bold about asking me out, asking my dad's permission, etc.).

From time to time I've found him "hyperfocusing" on a (female) friend - not ever being physically (or even mentally) unfaithful, just focusing on her to the point of making her uncomfortable. I can point that out to him and he then can (and does) recognize it and rein himself in.

One other problem we have frequently is that he always wants things to be someone else's fault. Issues at work are because of co-workers, issues at home are because of me (I have some faults too!) or because our kids came along sooner than we planned, etc. That's hard to deal with and is really something that I'm only just now recognizing. As I can, I'll bring that up to my husband and point out how frequently he does it. Usually when I point out a destructive behavior/pattern (repeatedly), he (slowly) begins to recognize it himself and starts to address it.

One thing I've found that helps (and is definitely stretching for me), is keeping the clutter to a minimum. When there is less to distract him at home, not only is he less likely to lose things (and blame me for it!), but he's also less overwhelmed and overstimulated just in general.

Another thing that I try to keep in mind is that even though he doesn't often compliment me and when he does it frequently sounds forced, when he asks something like "why do you love me?" he's really saying, "what does someone as great/hot/sweet/awesome/etc. as you see in someone as awful/messed up/broken/etc. as me." I try to take those opportunities to point out the great things that ADD has brought into our relationship (once he takes ownership of something, his passion for it is matchless; he's not intimidated by me; he's a GREAT dad; he's devoted to (i.e., hyperfocused on) providing for us; and LOTS of other things).

No matter what I may say in jest, the bottom line that keeps us together when everything seems to be falling apart is that he is my perfect match and there is no doubt in my mind about that. No matter how angry I am or how fed up with it all I am, he's "the one" for me. Keeping that in mind and working _with_ him rather than fighting for my own desires has worked for us so far.

So...bottom line...yes, go into a relationship with an ADD partner with your eyes open. Is co-habitation prior to marriage a requirement? I don't think so. Yes, you get to know more about what it's actually going be to like to be married to them, but that's the case with anyone, ADD or not. The transition from not living together to living together will always be a difficult one whenever it happens and whatever issues you both bring into the relationship. The most important thing (imo) is for you to be confident in who you are. Appreciate what they bring into the relationship, but don't depend on them for your identity or self-image. But then again, those things are true whether ADD is in the picture or not.

Reply to "Hope"

by plantlover - 05/18/2010 - 01:04

I think your greatest strengths are 1) that you're working together to build a good marriage and 2) that he's willing to work on his issues. You're doing so many things right. I wish I'd known about ADD 32 years ago, but I didn't. We spent so many years developing bad patterns and habits that I don't see much chance of change now. I hope your life together will always be positive and growing.

im exhuasted

by michael barber - 05/17/2010 - 02:06

hello im new here and i have spent some time reading the posts . i am in a relationship with some one with add and i do love her very much. the hyperfocus i deal with is odd when we are together most of the time the relationship rocks . i do find its expensive though . i got a 2 fold challenge not only is she add she is also addicted to drugs and booze . im not thank god . i know she is not the unfaithfull type thank god . I know she has an addiction issue and its not healthy for her health. im patint with her and i encourge her and praise her for all that goes well. we do comunicate well i would like to say better than most. but when she focuses on something else like hyperfocus i loose her attention during these times .These are the times i realy worrie about loosing her all together . we do love each other very much we are on mnth 8 of our ralationship and everytime we go through something we grow instead of stacking resentment . i know very well that we have the odds against us and it seems i hold most of the relationship together . the heart thing is great but i seems im the one looking after our current and futer goals . the combination of the addiction and hyperfocus she has that is ever changing is tough to keep up with i find myslef extreamly tired after about 3 or 4 days together becouse we serously on the go . and when i were down she changes her focus to other things and leaves me in the dust . when we are together we do well but when others distract her im never sure when her focus will come back to me . as i learn more about add im more at ease at the same time when her focus is somewhere else i feel left out and long for her return . any and all feed back is welcome . its tough being with her but i have streamlined my life to make things easier to keep up.

Advice from someone who knows

by Addguy22 - 06/21/2010 - 21:51

Does she know about ADHD? I ask because her ADHD may not only be the reason causing her to do Drugs and booze but could also be caused because she is attempting to deal with her ADHD. So in short the addiction may be connected to the ADHD not a separate issue. It appears she has alot of energy, both mentally and physically, I know this can be very draining. I'm sure she cares about you but she doesn't always show it. Communicate with her found out if there is anything you both can do together that will keep her attention but also allow quality time together. Things that may work include Movies (netflix), Video Games (Gamefly). I would reccomend things that would slow her down. (things less fast paced)

tell her your concerns I'm sure she will work with you.

Hope about people with ADHD

by Addguy22 - 06/21/2010 - 22:55

These are things that can be done that have worked for me.

1. Awareness: Learn about ADHD (both Spouse with and Spouse without) to learn more about each other. This helps because your ADHD spouse will find out about their ADHD and so will you. Please do this with a open mind and heart. This helps you be more tolerant and less resentful toward each other.

2. Guidance: Guide your Spouse (again with or with out) to possible solutions. These include medication, therapy, anger management, and talking about problems.

3. Understanding: Understand that ADHD people cope with things in very strange ways, ways that you would not think of as coping strategies. Excessive silliness, Destructive behavior, and seeking solitude, Addictive behavior, Excessive spending, among others is common.

4. Communication: Talk to your partner, explain you know it's the ADHD and not them. work to find solutions. Talk about stressors, talk about problems.

5. Persistance: whether it's you or your partner, work toward change, learn (help them) to manage your anger, (their) your symptoms

6. Don't let history repeat itself: Get your children diagnosed early, on a treatment, help them learn how to manage symptoms without medication. The earlier it's treated the less the impact, the less severe the impact on your relationship. They will struggle much less.

7. Love: Be there for them through this difficult period.

(to non-ADHD spouses) It will seem like you are doing alot for a long time (this will likely take a few years.) but if you keep working at it, your relationship will improve. You will likely feel like you have another child. It will be frustrating.

(To ADHD spouses) work with your spouse. You may not like this change but you will realize it's for the best. Take the time to talk to your spouse about your difficulties with concentration. seek help, a support group, to show you you're not alone! It can be done.

I know about this because I have ADHD/ADD i know first hand the difficulties of relationships, friendships with someone with ADD. Boundaries are hard to learn. But can be learned. I have learned to prioritize people before distractions. I have learned to spend a small amount of money 20-40 at a casino (I do penny slots) Improve my credit. it's possible to fix these problems. I have been with my fiance for 16 months I make a point to pay attention to her still. It's true the Hyper focus has worn off but I knew about the problems ADHD people have in relationships and made a point not to take anybody for granted.

It can be done, but it takes a long time. it's best if you start early at a young age. talk to your children about relationships they will be interested. Talk to your spouse. When people with ADD have to take responsiblity they can do it.

Please remember that they started dating you for the same reason you started dating them: love. not for a caretaker. They do good at work, show them the benefits of being a better husband, and father.

I wish you all the best of luck. And God bless

its over

by michael barber - 07/27/2010 - 22:57

around july 4 it all came to a close . she got into a accident of course she was drunk i covered her from getting a dui . she realy hurt herself bad she put her foot peg into her calf all the way to the bone never seen anyone bleed that much , blood all over me all over her bike all 0ver her 3 weeks later i pulled the plug i think i was at the end of my rope frustraited . she was drinking instead of taking care of herself and mixing the pain meds in with it . i asked her repeatedly to please get a doctors appointment for the after care she wouldnt . finaly i blew my stack and told her to get her shit together or there were going to start to be consaquinces like no more beer, no more satalite tv no more internet as i was buying it she hasnt worked in some time between me and her family seems to allways bail her out of her problems . i love her , i cant tell her no so i enable her to continue down the path of self destruction . i cant describe the pain i have felt since in my heart and emotionaly , i struggle day to day to not cry my eyes out , i struggle not to call her email her . i will be honest i knew we were most likely not going to make it i believed n the power of love to see us through the rough patches . but when you add in denial , and super stuborn , doomed . she knows she is add but she wont admit being a alcaholic . if she would have aty least admitted it i would have stayed even if she had lied it would have been enough. i let her down and me i wasnt stong enough for the task and it kills me everyday

There are also joys that ADHD can bring...

by banaany - 07/24/2010 - 13:35

I have read a lot of negative posts on this thread and I think it is their right to vent about their pain...BUT Adhd is not only sorrow!!!!! My partner is the only human being I never get bored with. We always laugh together and he says that he loves me everyday! Of course we have had a lot of trouble with his impulses etc...But things can change for the better if the ADHD partner is willing to do so I think...

He is so caring and charming most of the time!!

Agreed!

by d2d - 07/24/2010 - 16:31

I am so glad you mentioned the positives of being married to a partner with ADHD. My ADHD husband is the absolute light of my life! But, I don't necessarily think of him as my "ADHD husband," only my incredible husband, who has ADHD (among many other perfections and imperfections)!

Not a day goes by that he does not tell me he loves me. I think it's important for those with spouses who have ADHD to realize that this diagnosis does not mean that you should expect that your partner does not make you feel loved daily, and that they are insensitive to your position. My husband is fully aware that he has ADHD - meaning that he not only recognizes the diagnosis but he works on it daily. I will note that this may be because he was diagnosed as a young child and has been medicated since.

Still, the spouse with ADHD should not see the diagnosis as "just the way it is." You can work together to improve the situation for your partner and your marriage. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to struggle with ADHD. My husband doesn't want to forget to do chores, he doesn't try to forget things just to upset me.

Often times as the "doer" is our relationship I get frustrated and I nag (which makes me upset with myself). So I've started to focus on improving myself in my dealings with my husband. I also think about how blessed my life is in so many ways - everyone faces challenges - ADHD just so happens to be ours. I'm just glad that I get to face it with my hubsand :)

One more thing....

by d2d - 07/24/2010 - 16:45

Having a partner with ADHD does not mean that they will be a better or worse partner than someone without ADHD. Often I think the non-ADHD partner attributes the negatives of their partner to ADHD. I completely disagree with this. ADHD does not make you less loving or kind. Every human being shows their affection differently. We are all different. Some relationships are not meant to be, whether someone has a diagnosis of ADHD or not. I just don't want someone reading posts on this site to think that they have to have lowered expectations or assume that they'll feel unloved or unappreciated because their partner has ADHD. We ALL deserve to be happy.

One More Thing

by Bunsy - 08/09/2010 - 14:58

That was not my experience at all. The ADHD did make him more thoughtless, more cruel, more unfeeling... and the worst part is -- he did not realize that my feelings were hurt at times. I think I brought it up once and he dismissed it: "You're too sensitive." (I grew up with two brothers, believe me, I can roll with the best of them.)

The emotional upheaval/unfeeling-ness on his part was profoundly disturbing. It was like there was a disconnect inside him. He would be one way in public (very obviously attentive, sexual, romantic, etc) and then when we got home/were alone, it was gone.

And (perhaps) the worst part? I don't think he has any sense of it... when you repeatedly make promises and don't keep them. Claim to love someone, perhaps even get engaged and then disappear... that the other person might get hurt by this behavior. But again, at one point (describing our relationship) he said: "I am a close friend of yours who cares about you..." And I thought -- wow, if this is how you treat your close friends, I shudder to think how you treat people you don't like.

And the energy was always in one direction -- from me to him. By the end of our relationship, it was always always always about him. Which got enormously boring.

I broke up with him.

"You're too sensitive"

by Clarity - 08/09/2010 - 16:43

Wow! I know those words very well. They usually came sometime before "Deal with it". We could come up with a list! Top five comments most spoken by...

No offense, it is a bit comical!

HA!

by Bunsy - 08/09/2010 - 17:00

I know! And I am one of six kids (two brothers), can throw a football better than most men, etc. Believe me, I am not too sensitive.

Hey! I was editing

by Clarity - 08/09/2010 - 17:25

and lost my comment! I wanted to mention that the beginning of this blog was some well written information by Melissa.

I wish my ADD hubby came with a manual or a list! After 20 years or so, he finally saw a doctor who knew what he was dealing with. I got every book I could on the subject at the library and he got some pills! I never realized that when we agreed to something he would only agree because it was what I wanted to hear. He forgets all about that and does what he wants to do which was not what we agreed on! The commitment required for this kind of relationship can be completely overwhelming. I'm glad to see this information is available to help make decisions that will affect your whole life!

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