If You Are Engaged to Someone with ADHD
There have been quite a few comments lately on this site suggesting that people should avoid marrying someone with ADD. This advice makes me very uneasy and I would like to weigh in on it.
Statistically speaking, about 50% of ALL marriages entered into these days end in divorce. That’s not great odds. If a doctor said to me “If you eat these raspberries, you have a 50% chance of dying” I would give up raspberries immediately. But satisfying relationships aren’t like a food you can give up and replace with other nutrients. I don’t know about you, but I feel that the potential upside of having a great relationship is worth that 50% statistical risk of heartbreak (which is, after all, less final than death).
The folks who say “stay away from ADD” are suggesting that marrying a person with ADD increases your chances of heartbreak. Certainly, research suggests that people who have ADD are more likely to be in dysfunctional relationships (the jury is out on whether or not they are more likely to divorce – one study says yes, another says no). But there are other things that add to a person’s likelihood for divorce which these folks aren't mentioning. When was the last time someone said to you “Don’t marry someone whose parents got divorced! It increases your chances of heartbreak” or “Don’t marry someone with a family history of depression…”
Statistics are averages. What is important to you is what will your specific relationship look like? The people who are saying “stay away from ADD” know nothing about your specific relationship, only their own unsuccessful one.
I would like to give you some questions to ask yourself about your relationship to better assess whether it has a chance of being in the 50% that lasts. These ideas take ADD into account, as that’s only smart. But you’ll note that they are also just generally good relationship suggestions...so consider this pre-marriage counseling with an ADD twist. For this exercise, I will assume that the non-ADD partner is female, and the ADD partner is male.
Do you love him as he is today? If he never changed a thing, would you cherish being with him? Or do you secretly wish you could change him? Too many women fall for the “Beauty and the Beast” myth – that is “if I only love him enough he’ll overcome his faults and we will live happily ever after”. Reality is quite different. What you see today is what you will get tomorrow, with one exception, which is…
If he stopped hyperfocusing on you, would you still love him? People with ADD find courtship so intensely stimulating that they often hyperfocus on their partner. The recipient of this hyperfocus feels intensely loved and cared for. But hyperfocus ends – always – and the relationship looks quite different afterwards. In order to be able to survive that shift, you need to know that you can communicate clearly and safely with each other, and that there is a strong foundation in place – shared values and interests, similar styles in how you live in your home (messy, neat, organized or not), and desire (or lack of it) for a family. Financial compatibility is also critical (see next question).
What does your financial situation look like? Do you both have the potential to hold jobs and support the responsibilities of marriage and a family? Some people with ADD have spotty work track records or are financially impulsive (gambling, lots of debt, etc). If this is the case with your potential partner, don’t gloss over it. Addictive behavior and risk-taking are often part of an ADD personality and can be very hard on a marriage (just ask anyone whose husband just gambled away $50,000 or took on significant dbt without her knowledge.) If you see these characteristics, take a step back and give yourselves enough time before marrying to verify that you will make a financially responsible couple. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were the sole bread earner for the family.
Are you flexible and ready for adventure? The best ADD marriages I’ve seen are those in which the non-ADD spouse values flexibility and adventure over perfect organization. You can be a good organizer (as I am) but you must have the ability to at least tolerate confusion and last minute changes if you are going to live successfully with someone with ADD.
How well do you communicate about difficult or highly emotional issues? Have you developed healthy ways to work through your differences? Every marriage has tough conversations and ADD can add even more of these. If your current way of solving problems together is to put them off, walk away from them, or never resolve them, then you should work hard to develop good communication skills before you tie the knot. If you have no method of satisfactory conflict resolution (and by that I don't mean one spouse always giving in), rethink your plans.
Does your spouse accept his ADD? Does he take responsibility for making sure it’s not interfering in his life? Does he understand that his ADD can affect you? Most people who accept their ADD and take responsibility for it can manage it so that it will not interfere significantly with their lives. But a spouse who denies his ADD is trouble.
Call me cautious, but marriage is a bigger, more varied commitment than most who are embarking upon it realize at the time. Infatuation and our own complex dreams about “happily ever after” cloud our vision about what is arguably one of the most life changing decisions we will ever make. For everyone, ADD or not, it makes sense to step back and ask some tough questions. For people who have fallen in love with someone with ADD my advice would be to take your time. Give yourselves plenty of opportunity to understand what your life will really look like once the hyperfocus has stopped, and once you’ve become familiar with each other. To do this, you have to be together, unmarried, long enough for the hyperfocus to end. (You’ll know when it does, for things will feel quite different.)
Once that’s happened, see whether or not your living and communication styles are compatible. Find out whether or not you love each other for who you are today, not for who you dream you might be. Determine whether or not you need to separate your finances (and speak with a lawyer about ways to do this, if you need to). Learn all that you can about each other. As a couple you have advantages over the people who are saying “don’t marry someone with ADD”, for you know what to look out for related to ADD. Unlike them, when your husband stops coming to bed with you because he’s distracted by something else you will know enough to talk about it right away as an ADD symptom rather than to take it personally and think he doesn’t love you.
While ADD has disadvantages in a relationship, it also has many advantages that people don’t always attribute to ADD. To give you some examples – one ADD friend of mine took his fiancé aside 20 years ago and said “I’m pretty impulsive…I can’t guarantee that I won’t have an affair while we are married. I don’t think I will, but I can’t guarantee it. Are you still interested in marrying me?” Who, but an impulsive ADD person would have started that conversation?! (They’ve been married happily, with a wildly loving family life for 20 years…and no affairs.)
In my own case, my husband’s ability to “live in the moment” and let things be is a wonderful complement to my own desire to “shape” my life around me. I have learned a great deal from him over the years about “live and let live” and my life has been greatly improved over what I envision it would have been if I had not been under his gentle tutelage. His compassion for others is another aspect of his ADD personality which I value tremendously. We both have faults, but our strengths make us greater as a couple than the sum of our parts.
I know numerous other very successful couples with an ADD husband and a non-ADD wife. In each case she organizes most things and provides the driving force and momentum to the relationship and he contributes much more subtle things – a warmth with the kids, lots of surprises which keep things varied, intensity, breadth of interests and passions. No marriage is easy, but these marriages are, well, interesting in the most positive way.
Importantly, these marriages all share one thing. ADD is not the defining element of the relationship. As you think about whether to marry a person with ADD, think hard about where ADD fits in. If your partner takes responsibility for his ADD and if you have a strong foundation together, then ADD will likely stay in the healthy position of being just one more aspect of many things that make you a successful couple. If ADD is already at the forefront of how you interact, then be cautious.
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I have been married for six
I have been married for six months and I wish to God that someone HAD warned me about marriage with an ADHD spouse, at least then I would have known what I was getting myself in to.
how long...
...did you date before you got married? Did you know your spouse's ADD characteristics without knowing it was ADD?
Just curious.
I dated him for a year before
I dated him for a year before getting married. In hindsight I see many warning flags that I didn't pick up on at the time but he was very good at hiding and explaining things away. It wasn't until about six weeks after we got married that reality slapped me in the face. I was married once before for many years and I fully understand how much work marriage is....however, I had not idea how much work being married to a man with ADHD was. If I had know I would have insisted on more time to prepare or would have ended the relationship. I know that sounds selfish, but I have three children to consider and unfortuantely the strain and drain of this relationship affects them in a negative way.
As you rightly say, Melissa,
As you rightly say, Melissa, everything changes once the hyperfocus wears off. One thing that changed for us was that my partner stopped being able to communicate when we faced problems and challenges, so your advice about making sure you as a couple have good methods of resolving conflict in place is only relevant if coupled with your very important piece of advice to not get married until you have spent a good period of time together, unmarried, once the hyperfocus has gone. This is a very important piece of advice, because, as you say, things will look and feel totally different once it has gone, and the big decision to get married should not be contemplated until the non ADHD partner has got a good idea of how things will be without the hyperfocus, and decided they like it enough to want it for the rest of their lives.
I could not agree with you more
I could not agree with you more.
Melissa, its all about making
Melissa, its all about making INFORMED decisions!
I'll second
I'll second that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't marry till hyperfocus has worn off!
That's absolutely right!
marry after hyperfocus
Our courship was fast, whirlwind, unbelieveable. I did not know anything about adhd however my wife has it. I was swept up into her hyperfocus all about me and I was so infatuated. It was indeed a "fairytale". I did not think it would ever end, it was all so perfect. We married within 9 months and 6 months later the hyperfocus ended. I woke up one day and she was gone literally, physically, emotionally, etc. It was like aliens came in thru the night, kidnapped her and left me with an empty shell.......this shell resembled my wife, talked like my wife, moved around like my wife and even dressed like my wife.
I have only learned about adhd and hyperfocus recently on this site and thanks so much. It certainly has helped me understand that I am really ok, healthy, value system in tact, regaining my self respect and all of it. You see, as I began to ask my wife why everything was so different.............in retrospect, that was another turning point I think. She then totally shut me out of her life and accused and blamed me for our now empty existence spiralling down hill to mediocre roomates.
Three and a half years, three counselors, a pastor and mort fertel later, we are stuck because she is focused on the next event, the next, and so on.
To summarize the hyperfocus stage...........I have to agree with several comments here....if both parties put it all on the table, accept adhd into their lives and plan and follow thru with a joint committment to deal with issues.........more importantly our main problem has been a strong foundation and value system agreed upon and a system to deal with problems effectively so they do not contaminate your marriage and vow never to have un resolved issues. These few items have literally destroyed our marriage to the point it may not be salvaged due to hurts, disappointment, anger and unresolved issues.
Without a joint understanding and committment after the hyperfocus stage...............it is unlikely all of the great things will be enough to keep you in a marriage. You will become exhausted with chaos, empty promises, lieing, emotional emptiness...i.e., you will be all alone even when your adhd partner is in the same house and same room........our great times ended as quikly as they began.
Maybe it's you--not them!
I feel so bad for those of you who regret marrying your partner because of their ADD/ADHD. I'm sorry you didn't realize till after you took your vows that you weren't compatible or willing and able to handle and appreciate the characteristics of your spouse.
But, please do not use this wonderful blog to discourage those people out there, planning to wed their partner, from marrying them simply because they have ADD/ADHD. Melissa, can you please post some of the beneficial characteristics of those with ADD/ADHD?
Additionally, I DO think it takes the right kind of person to live with someone with ADD/ADHD....but I also think it takes the right kind of person with ADD/ADHD to live with someone without the disorder. I mean, I know I drive my spouse crazy at times--probably just as often as he does me. However, we knew these things were the qualities that made us unique and have learned some tricks to make life easier and truly enjoyable for the both of us--we put the emphasis on how much I love his ADD/ADHD qualities and he puts emphasis on my non-ADD/ADHD qualities.
It can work---and for those of you who can't believe it--it sounds like you didn't understand the work that marriage takes to begin with.
There is nothing simple about
There is nothing simple about "handling" a partner with ADD/ADHD. I have been married before (widowed-not divorced) and believe me-the difference between a spouse with ADD and one without is enormous. There is no comparison. Arguments are different, issues as a couple are different. I have walked in both of those shoes so I DO IN FACT KNOW!
I resent your assumptions mechelle79
I really resent your assumption that 1. you have ANY idea of what I, or anyone else here, has to deal with when it comes to being married to our ADD spouses as each and every case is different. 2. that based on your assumptions, implying that the non ADD spouse does not understand the work involved with marriage, or is not working hard enough is extremely judgemental and highly offensive.
Yes!!!! Thank you for
Yes!!!! Thank you for speaking up!!!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your encouraging reply.....
The exception to the rule...maybe??
I'm really happy to hear that actually some couples with a partner with ADD can have some sort of functional or rewarding relationship... I don't know if that is a little more like the exception to the rule or not, but maybe as Melissa mentioned, most peaple that join the blog are suffering the really bad and nasty stuff that comes with some or most people with ADD. I don't know if lying and pretending (whith is almost the same thing) is a trade of ADD, but when you are dating and they are hyperfocusing, on top of that most of what you see is pretended and then all that attention is gone and the real person shows up is a big shock, and on top of that the unrealistic view of the world that some ADDers have and in my case, the really bad ethical life style and misunderstood selfrightchousness (sorry for the misspelling) that my husband has, and our romantic idea that love, patiance and good communication will help is the right recipy for disaster and hurt!
your mileage may vary
Mechelle, I've seen marriages that broke down and no longer worked, despite all the goodwill in the world and committed efforts on the part of both partners, some that involved ADD and others that did not. Hard work at marriage does not always guarantee its survival. My almost 35-year marriage to add ADD spouse is working now, but there was a long period of time when it did not, and I can assure you that it was not from a lack of hard work on the marriage.
In my spouse's extended family, all the men have ADD (some are undiagnosed, but it's pretty obvious to those who of us who are familiar with the disorder's characteristics), and they all experience it in their childhood, appear to outgrow it in puberty, then "grow back in" to it around age 40. Therefore, when I married my husband in his early 20's, he did not exhibit many ADD traits. He was a little more disorganized than the norm, a little less money-savvy than average, but nothing egregious. (At that time, he was not diagnosed with ADD -- no one in his extended family was -- our family was the first to identify the disorder.) When he began "growing back in" to ADD 15 years later, he began to be a very different person than the man I married. Eventually, he became dangerous to himself, our children, and other people around him. I tried to get him to see the problems and dangers, but he was in denial about them. It was very much like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of situation -- I'd married the really great guy, and 15-20 years later he morphed into somebody really scary.
No question that my husband and I had had to learn to adjust to each other after we first married. Sure, we had fights early on. But we worked things out. We *did* the hard work that marriage takes. We understood the need to compromise and tolerate. We recognized that we had different strengths and weaknesses, but we also understood that these were part of the attractions we had for each other.
After he began to "grow back in" to the ADD, it was a different story. My husband became less and less willing to see any perspective but his own. He no longer appreciated my characteristics, and it was hard for me to see anything positive about his increasingly scary behaviors. We kept trying, but over the next five years things just got worse and worse between us.
Then, finally, I was able to get him to see a doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD. He got on medication. He went to counseling. At one point we were separated for almost a year, and I really thought our marriage might be over. It took *10 years* of work after his diagnosis before we finally got to a point where our marriage became healthy again. He had to learn a whole new set of behaviors, and I had to learn how to think differently about my spouse and figure out what he could and couldn't handle. We *both* became different people than we had been when we married, or even after marriage but before he had "grown back in" to his ADD. This isn't something I would have chosen to do, but I felt I had to for our children's sakes. Very frankly, if it hadn't been for our kids, it would not have been worth the sheer misery of those years.
I would never discourage anyone from marrying someone with ADD/ADHD *just* because of this disorder. I have a daughter whose significant other has ADD, and I don't tell her they shouldn't marry. He was diagnosed as a youth and his parents seem to have done a great job addressing his ADD behaviors. But it's disingenuous to pretend that such a marriage does not often present more challenges than the norm -- divorce statistics for families with ADD members back this up -- and it's certainly appropriate for those of us who have experienced these problems to warn others of the *possibilities* of marital problems that stem from ADD (including the potential difficulties of parenting children with the disorder). My daughter wants to have children, and if she marries her young man, she should go into it with her eyes open, not with her head in the sand!!! My marriage survived by a whisker, and it could have easily gone the other way. Yes, *some* partners *can* make it work-- just like in *any* marriage -- and some can't. Not everybody is capable of dealing with the ADD behaviors that sometimes develop later in a relationship. Not everybody with ADD is capable of dealing effectively with their disorder over time. Not everybody with an ADD spouse can make the adjustments that may be called for. This is not a crime, anymore than having ADD is a crime. It just is.
I'm glad you've got a working relationship, but your experience is just one instance (just as my experience is just one instance, so I don't make any claims that I have the answers to anybody else's problem). It seems to me that those here who are offering insights and experience, or the people earnestly seeking help (and who in many cases are struggling with behaviors that the ADD partner didn't show before the marriage or that they had no occasion to see) don't need to be patronized. In my experience, practical encouragement, practical suggestions, are usually of greater benefit than censure or put-downs or preaching. You obviously have a positive experience with ADD -- you've figured out what works for you and your spouse -- good for you!! I hope you will share what you have learned -- but perhaps you could extend your tolerance for your spouse to this community at large by suspending judgment on people you hardly know.
6 months in...
I have been dating someone with ADD ADHD now for about 6 months. It's a long distance relationship which adds yet another twist. Relationships are challenging as it is, add long distance and ADD/ADHD to it and ...my, oh my!
At the beginning everything was magical, and for the most part it still is, I love this man in a way that I never thought I'd love someone but I am discovering that he borders a bit on the nacissistic side and his ideas of the perfect relationship often involve me making gigantic adjustments and life changes while keeping an EXTREMELY low risk factor on his end. I wonder if this is typical ADD/ADHD behaviour or if its personality specific.
I'm entering the end of the "hyperfocus" stage and I'm very happy to have found this post because having very little knowledge of ADD, I aoutomatically started to assume he was slowly "checking out" emotionally and i was starting to put a very high wall to protect myself. Today I considered checking out of the relationship myself.
While we are not engaged, he has mentioned that he sees the potential for us to walk down that path, he also wants a family etc...
He is very aware of his condition and takes responsibility for it. He's educated on the topic and recognizes some of his behaviours after the fact and is very good at apologizing etc. He was very up-front with me from day one about the over excited stage and how he slowly can lose interest. This very thing has me worried, I see so much of what is posted in this blog in him, the piles of clothes, the lack of organization (I'm a bit of a clean freak, so it works, but I don't want to resent him), the gambling, the sudden change of plans or the sudden, "let's go out" when I've already in my pj's... LOL But overall I worry about their intense need for mental stimulation and impulsive behaviour. How does that reflect on their level of commitment? (by that I mean loyalty)
I worry that the sense that he "already has me" because he knows how much I love him, might decrease his interest and make him wonder in search of that stimuly he needs.
I have read that ADD/ADHD man, either commit impulsively or have a very difficult time committing at all. My boyfriend is in his late 30's and no real, significant relationship where he actually co-existed with a woman in the same space on the daily basis exists in his past. He has never had someone around every day for what you will consider a healthy period of time. This is terrifying to me!!!! I wonder if he can ever do it at all. I asked him this very question once and he responded: "I don't know" which broke my heart in two and made me want to run and hide.
The truth is I love this man with every once of me and I pray every night for patience and understanding. He has swept me of my feet with his "hyperfocus" and he is by far the most geniune, giving, loving and magical person I've ever known. His ADD gives him amazing charateristics that I find absolutely fascinating, he is incredibly smart, driven, spontaneous, vibrant and fun loving. He truly loves life and makes a huge effort every day to become an even better man. I love him, I want to keep loving him because he is worth it. All I need to know is, how do you continue on this journey when you are not getting the re-assurance you need from him? How do you know if he is distracted or simply no longer interested...?
I see myself with him, but his "hyperfocus" has worn off and he says sometimes (when I tell him how I feel), he doesn't feel it "YET" or "Right now"...
on the same token a day or two later, he comes out the blue with words that would make you think he's crazy in love.
Ugh!!! So confusing!!!
Did any of you experience this? Or should I accept this and believe we may have come to the end of the roller coaster ride (hyperfocus) and he may have already checked out..
Is this normall behaviour for ADD man or should I go with my instincts and check out before it's even more painful?
Any comments will help tremendously.
to anon dating ADD man
First let me say that is a very positive thing that your boyfriend seems so self aware! That is more than half the battle. I understand the very serious concerns you have expressed and all I can say is WAIT. Wait as long as possible before making that final committment. I believe you should see how the "hyperfocus wear off" impacts your relationship and make your decision from there. Every relationship is different. Only you can decide what you will accept. Keep reading all you can in books about relationships and ADD. Read the posts on here from those of us who walk in those shoes every single day. I wish, I wish so much that I knew ahead of time what I was getting into. My husband wasn't formally diagnosed until 2 years into our marriage. I knew way before that. What I didn't know about ADD was how it effects adults and their ability to interact in relationships. The hyperfocus ended after we were married for half a year and WOW is there a difference in our relationship ! All I am going to say is something that someone already wrote on here and it is so true....Make an INFORMED decision! Wait before making a legal and spiritual committment.
All my best. Keep us updated..
Thank you!
Thank you both Steph and the poster immediately below.
I can't tell you girls happy I am to have found this site. I actually slept a full night last night after unloading all my concerns here.
God presents us all with challenges that we can handle, we either do or we "choose" not to handle them... I guess at the end of the day, love makes it worth at least trying and giving it your best. (or at least the best you have to give that day.)
I agree with you Steph, the fact that he is so aware and pays so much attention to his action is a blessing. The man is a rare find, an outstanding person with a high level of integrity. I love him and with God's blessing and this website, I hope in my heart that I can hang on and we can make it trough the long distance, the ADD, the recession, the missed calls because we are both busy and the blah tasting TV dinners at the end of the day, wishing we were in each other's company instead.
So waiting it is I gues... I have to see what it's like to date him without the intense courtship and make sure I can stay interested too without the big production he put up at the beggining. LOL It's easy to get spoiled and assume he no longer loves you when that stops, but I'm learning via this advice and books and research and I guess, I need to make a lot of adjsutments myself. I shouldn't expect the beggining stage to last forever, ADD or not, it never does in any type of relationship right? So evolve and grow we must... HERE WE GO. :)
Again, thanks for the amazing and comforting advice.
Blessings to everyone.
Ther is no rush!!!
You reminde me so much of me when I was dating, with the difference that nobady new or suspected ADD, his parents kept on asking me if I had seen him mad... but he was the swetest, most marvellous man I had ever met, so, commited to his faith, thanks to him I embraced my faith so much more, and as you say, God won't give you a challenge you can't handel... but is it really God's will... is really that his plan for you??? that question torments my head and my soul from time to time, what I'm certaint is that God won't leave you alone once YOU take the challenge. Keep a very close eye on the gambling or any addiction since they tend to obsses about thing or get addicted to substances. I knew there was some gambling issues a few months before our wedding, and I prayed a lot to be able to make the right decision...so far I'm almost certain I made the wrong one. He promised never to gamble again and seek treatment, just last year, out of the blue, with mor than 6 years without gambling and 4 young children gamble our lives away getting a debt of 100's of thousands, ADD is not joke, there are too many surprises thant are completly out of your hands!, the only thing is in your hands is what you do with this info and the rest of your life... so far for me it's been my worst nightmare for the las 3 years... but the problems started within weeks of being married, I dated for almost 2 years including engagement and part of that was long distance with 5 or 6 months twice living in the same city and spending lots, lots, lots of time together.... We were soooo in love, he was sooo wondelfull, not any more.... but we didn't know!
The hyperfocus ended rather
The hyperfocus ended rather quickly after we got married, also now that this issue has been brought up. In my case, it was 27 years ago, ADHD was unheard of and I just thought I had hooked up with the biggest jerk on the face of this earth. It has been a very different relationship to say the least!! We have for the most part, lead seperate lives for most of our marriage. Me in the real world, him in the fantasy world. It wasn't until he was diagnosed approx. 2 years ago and our reading and research began, that we discovered why our relationship was different. It has caused a great deal of pain for both of us. Real World vs Fantasy World but we are trying. It's tough to change after so many years. Hopefully we will have the patience to endure. I cannot lie, I wish "I" would have known ahead of time what I was getting into, also. I can only assume GOD has me here for a reason and I remind myself of that every day!!!
6 months in #2
It sounds as if there are many wonderful things that your man offers - how many people say things like "he is by far the most genuine, giving, loving and magical person I have ever known" and the rest?! Fabulous!
It also sounds as if he's honest. When you ask the question about whether or not he knows he can live with someone (you) his response was an honest one - he genuinely doesn't know, and doesn't sound like he has any experience with it, either. Though it is heartbreaking to hear those words, I personally would prefer them to having him bow to the pressure of the situation to say the "right" thing, rather than the honest thing.
I would suggest you consider living together for a long period of time before actually getting married. One reader at this site suggested 5 years...I would suggest a minimum of two. You'll find out whether or not his going back and forth is an issue, and whether or not you are ultimately compatible. From your post it's unclear whether or not your fears are actually adding to the instability of your situation, or whether it is truly unstable. After all, you've only been dating for 6 months - lots of folks take a lot longer than that to commit. (My father told my mother he loved her, then changed his mind the following week, then again...back and forth and back and forth even after they were engaged until she finally threw the ring at him...but they ended up happily married until her death just shortly before their 50th wedding anniversary).
As you assess your partner's comments, remember that the lives more in the present than you do. So he might feel great one day and not so great another...but overall might feel great. If this is his "pattern", could you deal with it over the long term as the issues change? (i.e. "I'm ready to buy a house, I'm not ready to buy a house..." and "I want to have kids, I don't want to have kids"...)
Is there anything you can do to relieve your anxiety a bit so that you can start enjoying yourself again?
6 months in #2 .. response
Melissa, the story about your parents is just incredible. It really warmed up my heart.
I want to thank you for this space, you have no idea how much this helps people. I have no one else to talk to about this, no one I know understands it.
As for your questions, yes, I am absolutely certain that my fears are affecting us, as you can see I'm a wreck, I make my fears known, I've told him these things worry me. He noticed before we broke up that my "walls" were up and that I was being guarded.
I posted more below on the other responses too.. I'd love your feedback.
Is this inconsistancy typical with ADD?? to this level???
Thanks Melissa, God bless you for your work on this site!
As a married person with
As a married person with ADHD, I would encourage couples that are mixed (one non/one ADHD) to cohabitate for a lengthy period before marriage. My recently wed husband and I lived together for 5 years, and I think if we hadn't we would have quickly gotten divorced. I would have warned him, but it was my first serious relationship, and although I knew that I did have ADHD, I had no idea how it would impact that arena of my life.
Though trial and error, he has learned what it is like living with an ADHD person, and I strive to be thoughtful and considerate of him. (Though he's not above poking me with a pencil in mid conversation to make sure that I know the computer will be there when he's done talking to me. ;) Talking about it, and describing it is helpful, but I really don't think anybody can understand the strange dynamics that appear until they live through them.
Living with someone with ADD
I have been cohabitating with my fiance for 6 years. He has ADD and has trouble with his temper and compulsive behavior. He also suffers from a macular (eye) defect that renders him legaly blind which also adds to his frustration. I had often thought that the things he does on impulse were done to hurt me, or someother reason that i couldn't think of. After researching ADD in adults i am starting to understand that it is due to his ADD and not him as a person. He is so difficult to live with, but I couldn't live without him.
Would I have made a different
Would I have made a different choice ?
We've been married for 33 years and my husband's ADHD was only diagnosed 6 years ago. I saw things in my husband's behavior and just had no CLUE how they would impact us .
I love my husband and I don't think I would have made a different choice so long ago. I believe in change and growth... silly me!
We talked long and hard about what we wanted for ourselves as a couple and what we envisioned for our future.
I believe I made the best choice at the time.
I don't believe that ADHD should be the driving force in our marriage but at the moment, it is.
I feel lost and hopeless in dealing with the challenges that face me.
I do hope to find some help here!
Nancy
Different choice
I also believed I made the best choice at the time 11 years ago...I have been regretting my decision to marry my husband for the past 5-6 years. I did not go into the marriage knowing he had ADD. He was diagnosed 4 years ago when our oldest son was. When he was diagnosed, I felt relieved and thought we could finally get somewhere as a couple-if we had a name for the problem, maybe we could find a solution. I have paid dearly for my naivity. My marriage is profoundly unhappy and my husband is currently unwilling to seek help. I often wonder how different my life would be if I would have said "no." If I had to do it over again, I would not have married him. Harsh as that may seem, I feel so deflated and empty after putting so much into our marriage and receiving so little in return. I'm not sure if we actually have a marriage-it seems more like I'm a parent than a spouse. Our life together is not healthy and I worry greatly about the impact our deficiencies will and are having on our 2 children.
6 Months in... continued
Ok, so you know that little voice inside that people always say you should listen to???
Well, we ended up breaking up after all. I really was in this for the long run and it is just debastating.
I did some research and found him to match a good number of the "trigger" signs of infidelity. The sudden lack of interest, deffesiveness, the "I have to work on myself" talk..
I asked him if he was seeing anyone (remember we are in long distance situation) and of course he said he is not interested in any other woman, he doesn't want to date anyone else... and he doesn't want to lose me. I believed it for about 30 minutes, but the more I go through the conversation in my head, the more I realize it's all there in front of me. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that this is a difficult condition, that this is a difficult situation but I also know how much I'm worth and I just can't bare the thought of being with someone that could've potentially done this to me.
I feel stupid for staying this long, I should've known when the "hyperfocus" wore off.. I worried that he would find someone else to "hyperfocus" on and now, I am almost certain he did. It's heart breaking.
This disorder is literally destroying me inside and my life. Even as we were breaking up he was still talking about "our future" and how he wanted a life together. Yet when I was literally breaking down he was so cold.
For all the newbies out there, let me put it to you this way: He went from Full blown move in w/me right away, to move here (not w/me), to move, don't move, we'll figure it out, to move and I will "date" you...not as boyfriend girlfriend... (see you from time to time he said)...
HONESTLY who do you think you are you narcissistic, self centered jerk!!!!!!!!
(Sorry.. I had to vent for a sec..)
What makes anyone think (ADD or not) that you can come in to someone else's life and make this kind of mess??? to play with people's feelings this way????? I absolutely detest myself for ever believing him! I'm so dissapointed!
Ugh!!!!!! See what I mean now when I said he wanted me to do all of the work so it would involve NO RISK for him?
Help please. I feel like chaning my # and moving even further away. Part of me never wants to hear his voice again and a little side of me feels it's unfair because I don't really know for sure that he did such a thing.
I mean at what point do you count your losses??? Is there any hope here????
I am literally struggling to figure out if this is just him or if any of this has to do with the ADD?
If there is anyone here that knows how to cope with this I'd love to hear your thoughs. What should I expect as far as behaviours from him now that we are broken up? Should I be scared?
ADDlove
6 months in
You haven't confirmed an affair, but it strikes me that your issue is really that he seems to have lost interest, and how that makes you feel. Once you get to "see you from time to time" then it's time to move on. If he's interested enough to return, then he will. Doesn't sound as if you need to change your phone number, though, unless he starts to harass you.
Don't detest yourself over this. Many, many relationships don't work out after the initial thrill is gone. Consider yourself lucky that you have been able to learn that perhaps it wasn't such a great "fit" after all.
6 months in...
Melissa, I appreciate your words and your advice. The thing is, sometimes the fact that someone is "into" someone else is obvious... I don't know any other reason for a man to go from "move in with me now" to if you move across the world so that we can be together finally, and "I will like to see you from time to time".
Yes, move on is right. I can't and refuse to sit around for anyone who treats me that way. I don't know any girls as good and as incredibly loyals as I am and I honestly don't deserve this.
I'm firm on my idea of walking, I asked him not to contact me at all because it was just too painful, he did ok for a few days. This hurts too much, I am not a selfish person AT ALL, but I really am having a hard time understanding at what point do you cross the line between the ADD and simply a very selfish and self-centered man????
How can you ask someone to move and leave their whole life behind for you just so you have convenience to see me when you feel like it????
WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS??????????
The more I read about this, the more painful it gets. I think that at the end of the day, they are all man and unfortunately some thake advantage of the ADD and use it as an easy excuse and a way out for cheating and irresponsibility and taking back what you said to get what you wanted. How can you not realize you are causing such great pain to someone that loves you???
And for the first post (up top) yes, he is an incredible person, if he didn't have these issues he really truly would be perfect. I can't even listen to his voice on the phone because I completely break down and start crying. He says he loves me, but I really just can't believe him. He's too inconsistant.
I don't know what to do other than run from this.
I'm so sad and so lost because of all this. I honestly don't know what to do.
to ADDlove
We sometimes imagine that someone is perfect for us...when they really aren't. You can wish that "he didn't have these issues" but the fact of the matter is that he does - whatever "these issues" are. When you marry someone you get the whole package...and at this point the whole package is just way too painful for you to manage. It's fine to date someone about whom you have doubts...but you should never marry someone about whom you have doubts. (Which isn't to say you should be starry eyed - rather, understand and love someone warts and all...)
You are doing great - even though it doesn't feel that way. Keep reaching out for support from friends, those here at the blog, whomever. We've all been in these positions at one point or another. Maybe he'll see what you need and finally figure out how to give it to you. Maybe not. Be as strong as you can in this, and maybe pamper yourself a bit if you can. Then, as Ned Hallowell likes to say, ask yourself "what do I want this pain to turn into?"
RE: 6 Months in... continued
I'm an ADDer who has behaved like your boyfriend in the past. Of course I agree that its best for you to leave a relationship where you feel neglected and not respected. I just wanted to say that perhaps the way he let you down wasn't all dishonesty and lack of real feelings. I know in past relationships, I gave the woman the idea that we were totally on the same wavelength - after all, a good committed relationship was something I'd long dreamed of myself. But as things progressed, and it was time to make dreams into reality, I drew back and avoided. Building a life together would mean that she would have to be able to depend on me, and I'd never even been able to depend on myself. I felt overwhelmed by pressure -a sort of "performance anxiety". I could talk the talk, but could I walk the walk? In short I was scared, and felt guilty for letting her down - especially after maybe leading her on to begin with. But I never intentionally misled her. The feelings were entirely real, but from my own life I was not used to expecting "follow through", and when it came to that point I felt totally unprepared and just bewildered. Come to think of it, a number of my relationships have been long-distance. I never thought about it, but I guess that it is a natural trap to fall into, good at first, but where the ADDer feels expectations are lower, and for the other they get higher as implicit promises are made.
That was then...
As an aside, I've now been living with my girlfriend for two years, and we are engaged to be married. Before that we had a long-distance relationship! She finally gave up (as I'd been expecting all along, due to past experience, which probably explains why I'd often go into relationships with such low expectations). But this time, for the first time, I fought for her and for the chance at the future we could have. I am sure this is only because I was finally diagnosed with ADD a few years ago, and started treatment, and I began to realize that maybe there was hope for me to change, and that it was worth trying. Before I felt hopeless. I was not happy with the state of my life and my relationships, but I couldn't seem to affect the outcome no matter how hard I tried. It just seemed inevitable that they would end in failure, and guilt, and disappointment. Today I still wake up some nights in a cold sweat wondering if I can really do it and be as responsible as I need to, and want to be. But as I understand better the problems that are in my way, and learn to counteract them, and take note of my small successes, I'm optimistic. I'm still scared to death, but I'm not giving up - and I'm not going back . I'm no longer resigned to failure and unfullfilled dreams, but finally ready to sieze the future - one day at a time. (Does that sound overdramatic? I guess this fear is something we try to deny exists through fatalism, and lowered expectations, and it really is powerful when you acknowledge and accept it, and then decide that it won't stand in your way.) Good luck to all, and even when you are not feeling too optimistic about the outcome, please keep it in mind to keep trying, because the status quo isn't working anyway, and more importantly- even if its an uphill battle, your life is worth the effort.
I have just recently gone
I have just recently gone through a situation exactly the same as what you have been describing here. We dated for almost a year and talked about our future together at the beginning of the relationship but as time went on he started pulling away. I know my insecurities and fears did not help the situation and maybe we never were meant to be together. He started seeing someone else right away and I really believe it was just looking for that excitement with a person who doesn't expect anything from him yet. My question is how did you come to recognize the way you had been behaving and begin to change? I think all of this information fits him to a tee and I really would like to share it because I don't think he recognizes it. He is a wonderful, strong Christian man and it hurts me to see him so frustrated with himself and acting this way...but I still don't know that it's a good idea to try to share this with him..????
Well as you can see from my
Well as you can see from my post below, I'm still only just beginning to change, more than I've realised. Although I'm more aware of my own issues, I still have a long way to go in changing the patterns of how I relate and show myself to others. I guess that is the main starting point in changing to realise that it is patterns and behavior that can be changed. It's hard to see that if your ADD is undiagnosed. I struggled for so many years and felt hopeless and a failure. I thought that my problem was me, and that only if I was a completely different person could I be successful. I entered therapy and was treated for depression, but to no real effect as in hindsight that was only a symptom. Eventually my (really good and caring) therapist began to study ADD in relation to other patients and then discovered how it could apply to me. Funny, but I was resistant at first because it seemed such a minor thing compared to the innate defect of character I was sure was ruining my life. Then I must say I went through a phase of being even more depressed and angry that I had been beating my head against the wall to no effect for so long. But in the end I was so lucky to learn that the problem wasn't "me." The challenge was ADD and there were concrete ways to attack the mental stumbling blocks, and medication to help allow me to focus on following through with changes. I guess when I could start to see more the cause, I was ready to acknowledge the effects of my counter-productive behavior patterns. Not sure if its clear, but only when I didn't blame myself as the problem, could I see myself as the one that could effect a solution. Yeah, me; it was hard to get myself to believe it. So, I think it mgiht be powerful to discover the possibilty of an ADD connection, but it can be hard to accept at first, especially where you might beat yourself up for falling victim to the stumbling blocks that everyone else seems to hurdle over so easily. But you have to look at it like my therapist suggested to me - adjusting to your ADD with behavioral, and organisation help, and maybe medication, is like treating your vision with eyeglasses. Some might have 20/20, but to need to use that extra help and support is no failure, and only smart in removing the barriers in your way, and proves you can take control of your life. Concretely, I don't know the best way if you'd like to share your insight with him. Maybe you could somehow get him to read a book like Dr. Hallowell's on adult ADD. I know it struck a chord with me, and was powerful when I could identify with the cases of others and recognize so much of my own experience. Made me hopeful to see how people were able to make the changes they wanted so much after they had insight and tools to work with. I suppose the main thing is that it has to come across not as "you have a problem", but rather that "you have real concrete tools available." And that in these stories of talented, capable people who made great changes in their lives, you were reminded of him, but what does he think? But I think it would be great if he could somehow be helped to come to that "aha! moment" himself, rather than feel defensive or resentful if he feels someone is offering an unsolicited diagnosis. Well, i'm sure others here will come up with better and clearer ideas, because I think that your theme of how to reach out to someone who has these struggles is a very important topic. You show great compassion. Good luck.
That was then.... response.
This literally made me cry. How I wish I knew if this what's happening in his head!
I appreciate you sharing this with everyone. It takes a lot to do that.
I think what hurts me the most is that I want to be there for him, I want to hang on, but it's so incredibly difficult without feeling like i'm giving up part of my dignity because I'd be settling for a treatment that I find unfair.
If we are going to be this honest, I'll say it: I feel like if I go back, I'd be hanging around like a puppy when I know that person doesn't really want me there. I don't know that there is anything more hurtful. I'm an attractive girl (people say, personally I don't see what the big deal is but anyway) and I get approached by man everywhere I go. It's heart breaking when anyone out there would love to have a chance to be with you but the one person you love doesn't feel you are worth the effort and try just a bit harder. It's very very hurtful.
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe the best way is to just walk away after all, I can't figure this out, I have no desire to sit at home and cry anymore. I wish I knew what helped your girlfriend deal with all this, how does she cope?
Thank you so much for your words!
ADDlove
6 months in.. continued- Response to response :)
Your post makes so much sense to me. His longest relationship prior to me was in fact a long distance one. That one being the most lengthy/significant one in his life so far but then again.. he never saw her!
Is there hope here???
How do I know that the reason he's pulling away is because of the things you are saying or simply because he's being a typical selfish man and he's out there fooling around with other girls and his interest and focus is elsewhere..?
How do i do this? I really need help here. I have no idea how to navigate this whole thing, I'm in so much pain.
pulling away
does it matter whether or not he's pulling away because he's afraid to commit to you because he is afraid he'll fail, or if he's fooling around with other women? Either he's committed to you, and willing to show you, or he's not. Don't make excuses for him - if he's not there for you now while you are dating, he probably won't be there later, either.
Pulling away... To Melissa
Thank you!
This site has been a huge huge help for me for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes, things need to be said without the sugar coating and you did that for me. You are right, I need to not make excuses for him, he is not there for me and the reason is irrelevant. I'm in this relationship too and it's not fair to me.
I guess this is what i needed to hear. Thank you again.
Life will tell in the end, but for now, the best thing for me is to get out of this. This is simply to painful to take and function normally and productively on the daily basis at the same time.
God bless all you girls on this site, that have been able to live with this for so many years. I will walk away from this knowing that i gave it my all and my intentions were pure and honest.
Love is not supposed to hurt like this, it's supposed to make you happy.
That was then...?!
Sorry, just returning to this thread. Previous were my first posts ever on any blog, and it left me somehow exhausted. I did eventually attempt to confirm my site registration and tried for days to sign in. Embarassing that I focused on this rather than posting "not verified", but I guess that shows how I can get wrapped up in extraneous non-productive details, my way of "not seeing the forest for the trees". I have to agree with Melissa, and commend your decision, although begrudgingly as I feel a bit insecure and defensive about my position in my own relationship. From my own recent experience, I imagine that the way for him to show commitment would would have been to be open and honest and share his true feelings, and let you know the full picture of what's going on with him. Alas, I've not been so good with that myself, even now, but all of the comments here have really brought home to me how devasating it is to feel in the dark and unsure about having a true partner commited to a shared future. I have to admit I'm returning here now as I've put my relationship into a crisis. I've been on a ten-day trip to visit family and to tie up some affairs related to my move overseas. Well, it was ten days, until I extended it by a week the night before I was to return home. Of course this was a total shock and more than upsetting to my fiancee. She let me know that this called into question her ability to rely on me, and that shes been wondering for a while if she's wasting her life waiting for things to go on with some sense of security. She admitted that she hasn't broached the subject for a while for fear of making me defensive, and that it's hard do discuss things when I'm very closed up about divulging my issues. This has been a (hopefully) wakeup-call for me, and the comments here reinforce that. I guess I've thought that to make her feel secure I should never appear less than strong and competent, and not admit that sometimes I get tripped up and have trouble meeting my deadlines, and don't let her know about problems until its far too late and she's totally taken unaware and has crushed expectations. I guess the point is that I'm learning that what would make her feel secure would be to admit my struggles so that she could see how I'm working to overcome them for us, and let her into the process as a real partner, rather than pretending to be "perfect" - (and inevitably disappointing her). Well, that's my goal when I return and I know I really have to make a real change there. To clarify, I'm not making any excuses for anyone, especially myself, just because I've been so clueless.
(Sorry about this meandering repetitive missive, but I know if I start to edit it, I'll never finish.)
Lastly, ADDlove, I'm really impressed with the way you've made a tough decision to be proactive about pursuing your own happiness. All the best in building on this path going forward.
Response to that was then
"I guess the point is that I'm learning that what would make her feel secure would be to admit my struggles so that she could see how I'm working to overcome them for us, and let her into the process as a real partner, rather than pretending to be "perfect" - (and inevitably disappointing her)."
I think it's great that you see that point! I wish, I wish, I wish I could get my husband to see it too and open up to me. I think you are on the right track. Best wishes and good luck!
If you are engaged to someone with ADHD
ARE YOU FLEXIBLE AND READY FOR ADVENTURE?
In order to "tolerate confusion and last minute changes" one would have had to actually make some type of plans in the first place. Flexibility is the ability to adapt to changes in plans. If there are no plans, you have no idea of what is going on. How can you just go with the flow if there is no flow?
If by being "ready for adventure" you mean the ADD spouse spending every evening watching TV then there's lots of adventure at my house.
HOW WELL DO YOU COMMUNICATE ABOUT DIFFICULT OR HIGHLY EMOTIONAL ISSUES?
I would say first of all: How well do you communicate - period!
Example: I say something to my husband and he responds. He then denies having that conversation. Or better yet he says he really didn't mean what he said.
Another Example: My husband thinks he has told me something and becomes upset that I am not able to recall what he hasn't told me.
My Favorite Example: My husband says something and I really have no clue what he is talking about because he's either left out essential details or what he says is totally unrelated to the present conversation. I question him for clarity for me and he becomes upset.
These are not emotional issues, just everyday conversations that are nearly impossible to carry on. So I've just quit initiating conversation. It's easier. And I know he doesn't care if we talk or not because he's said so.
He says he likes things how they are. He's not willing to work on improving our communication. And why would he? He has an organizer, laundress, personal shopper, cook, cleaning person, outside worker, bill payer, chauffeur, etc. Why would he want anything to change? That would require some effort on his part.
Thank you Melissa for this
Thank you Melissa for this article. Many times I've read posts here and wanted to run the other way, but then I look at this man I love and can't imagine allowing this one difference to end the relationship. After only 2 months of dating, I suddenly wondered if he was ADD. I virtually knew nothing about ADD and for the next 8 months I read at least 20 books and did a ton of research online. I am completely convinced that this 56 year old man has been crippled relationally and financially because of his undiagnosed ADD. If I ignore the ADD symptoms, I would have to say that I have found a best friend. We have so many things in common and have a similar life purpose.
His hyperfocus has been over for 5 months and I am still in love with him. To be with my best friend I realize that I must change some of my knee jerk expectations. The problems that surface are partly because I have not developed the skills I need to interact positively when we have conflict. One of the areas I need to work on is my tendency to overreact to unrealized expectations. For instance, a few weeks ago he promised to loan me his car and then broke his promise the very hour I was supposed to use it. I felt so betrayed and unloved, but I realize now that it was just an ADD impulse to change his plans. More importantly I learned that I tend to overreact, make some wrong assumptions, and attack verbally rather than have a backup plan and discuss the problem later when I calm down.
But not all of my expectations should change. For instance, my biggest concern is financial. I am divorced, live frugally and can support myself. I realize that it is very important that I have strong boundaries for my assets and that I cannot enter into any joint accounts, property, or debts with him. This is just a reality and an area that I do not have to be vulnerable.
So I guess my main point is that there are some areas of my life that will have strong non-negotiable boundaries, but I will also strive to be more flexible and grow in my own self-control. He has taught me many valuable lessons and if we never marry I will always be grateful to have known such a kind, tenderhearted man. I know that he has had so much pain because he is unaware of how undiagnosed ADD affects every aspect of his life.
When I divorced from a nonADD spouse, I learned that I had no boundaries which literally made me feel impotent to do anything about my life. I had a chronic low grade depression for many years. I was still able to function but had no deep joy or contentment. Since then I have realized that I can set any boundary I want as long as I maintain it. I do not have to live at the whim of someone else's poor decisions.
I would really hope that the nonADD people reading this blog will take the time to figure out how to strengthen their own boundaries because that is all you really have power to do. Figure out what kind of life you want and list specific steps how you can get there. You may very well stay with an ADD spouse but protect and take care of yourself. My healing came when I took my eyes off my ex and looked inward at the kind of peace and contentment I wanted for myself. Then I set out to get it. Now I have joy and contentment that made all the effort worth it.
If you do it, don't say you weren't warned.
I'm sorry. I'm not going to sugar coat this. I'd say run for the hills. But if you want to marry the add person know that it is a nightmare. It is all fun at first, when your young and carefree. But once you start having to do "adult" things and bring children into the mix it is an absolute nightmare. I'm totally exhausted, I have no joy in my life except for my 2 year old. I want my husband out my face and out of my life. He has caused nothing but complete chaos and aggrivation to me, his parents, my parents and anyone close to him. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders in addition to essentially raising another person. Just having a simple conversation about something as harmless as the weather is totally exhausted and aggrivating. I hate talking to him, I hate relying on him. I can't believe a word he says. Normal people, you ask them, what color is grass. They say green. My husbands answer, " That grass is really orange, it just looks green because of the red spectrum from the sun hitting it at a 2 degree angle" Completely made up. His brain just took 5 different things (A commercial he heard on the radio about landscaping a month before, something he flipped through on the Discovery channel that dealt with the Sun that morning, I was wearing an orange shirt at the time, and the fact he saw an red ladybug on the grass at the time the question was asked) and made up a fairy tale.
He can't keep a job. 16 jobs in 7 years. Went to college twice and failed out. Went to trade school and just stopped showing up, got kicked out of the airforce, and has spent his entire life treading water just above drowning. Now he has dragged me into the pond with him and he is standing on my head to keep his above water.
He thinks about nothing before he does it and it always comes back and bits us all in the butt and causes drama! He has gotten us into so many retarded situations because he just goes for 0 - 100 without thinking about it. Of cousre I have to clean up the messes because they screw up my life too.
Unfortunately he is probably the most loving and sincere person I've ever met. And would make a WONDERFUL husband and father if he didn't have this problem.
This woman is trying to sugar coat it with things like, "In each case she organizes most things and provides the driving force and momentum to the relationship and he contributes much more subtle things – a warmth with the kids, lots of surprises which keep things varied, intensity, breadth of interests and passions. "
Which translates into the non-ADD person will have ALL the responsibilities, clean up the mess and chaos that come with all those "surprises" and have to make all the decisions and do all the work and the ADD person gets to dilly dally around and play.
I walked into this with red flags that in hindsight I should have heeded. And because I believe in marriage as being unbreakable and don't want to create a broken home for my child I'm trying to suffer through this (Yes, its suffering).
IF you getting ready to marry an ADD person just read through this site and try to make your decisions. This is what your life is going to look like.
I'm not sorry, and I'm not
I'm not sorry, and I'm not going to sugar coat this either. You are extrapolating way over the line. I have been a single mother, ADHDer, with all the responsibility. You're also using every possible means to avoid looking at the fact that YOU FAILED too. Your anger, blame and irrationality evidenced by suggesting that ALL people with ADHD are exactly like your husband is coming from a vindictive place. You don't care, you just want to punish everyone with adhd, because "POUT" you failed!. Yes, when a marraige fails it does take two. You could not keep your eye on the ball either. You failed to adjust, you failed to take responsibility for your life and your own happiness. Don't assume everyone will.
My ex doesn't have adhd and when he was irresponsible, when he was self involved I didn't have the luxury of hanging it all on a diagnosis. What I did have was the gruelling pace of working multiple jobs and full responsibility for my children's welfare. I not only survived but so did my children and they are doing very well, as upstanding citizens.
How dare you imply that people with ADHD are all nightmares, who should be lonely and left without relationship. You conveniently ignore that there are many people with ADHD in happy and fulfilling relationships. The blaming it all on ADHD is a red flag too. It means you're in some vortex of pain where you're lashing out and you're lashing out at a lot of people you don't know squat about. I can understand that you refuse to let go of your fantasy marraige and how things "SHOULD" be but that really is your problem and no one elses.
Or maybe she's just had
Or maybe she's just had enough. She was talking about her own personal experiences; she wasn't talking about you and it was you who took it personally. That's a trait I've come to know well, having lived with an ADD wife for close to 5 years now. I call it "defensive listening," taking things personally or taking insult when others (i.e., those without ADD) would not.
As for your husband's "irresponsible" behavior, hey, we are all human and we all make mistakes. However, pointing your finger at the rest of us and saying we make mistakes too is intellectually dishonest. The issue is not simple human mistakes, the issue is the pervasive chaos created by ADD in others' lives.
I HATE ADD. I really do. It's a burden, it's an imposition on the rest of us who don't have it who have to pick up the "mess" left by those in their life who do. It's certainly not something to be "celebrated" and anyone who tells you it is is possibly a masochist. On the other hand, I love my wife and that's why I stay with her even though I easily hate her at times (e.g., when she's on one of her rages). But it's a LOT of work and anybody here reading all these posts who is thinking about marrying someone with ADD should think long and hard before plunging into the CHAOS, because that's what it is. Pure chaos.
This is exactly me too.
"He ... spent his entire life treading water just above drowning. Now he has dragged me into the pond with him and he is standing on my head to keep his above water."
I'm divorcing him right now. He isn't mentally retarded. If he wants to face the reality that his life has been a catastrophe and he's losing the best thing that ever happened to him because he wants to keep living in denial about the ADHD, it's not going to be my problem anymore.
wow
We just (as in 5 days ago) put the pieces of the ADD puzzle together with our counselor. After 11 years together, during which I felt that I was losing my mind most of the time, I finally said, "Something is seriously wrong with my husband." Now we have to begin the hard, long path toward understanding out new life together......This article is immensely helpful. Thank you.
wow by agnesann
My thoughts are with you. Yes, it possibly will be a long, hard path toward an understanding. Hopefully, in your case, your husband isn't stubborn like mine and will accept his counselor's help. My husband has been going to a counselor for awhile now and says he is benefiting from it but I have yet to see any changes in his character other than his anger issues, which they worked on a long time ago......
I have been reading these
I have been reading these comments with great interest. I guess I take a little bit of offense to comments that suggest dating an ADDer is a no-go zone....particularly when much worse things can and often do go wrong in a relationship, whether ADD is present or not.
If someone had given me this advice, that is to head for the hills, and I had followed it, then I would not be with the love of my life now.
I can only go on my own experience but my own experience of being with an ADDer has been nothing short of wonderful. I am with a kind, loving, hard working man who loves to communicate with me and show me nothing but love and honesty. I have never had this kind of depth to any previous relationship and those were all with non-ADDers. We have an honesty and open line of communication that we do not see amongst many other couples - and we tend not to have all the drama other couples do because of this. In regards to the non-ADD couples I know, if I had a dollar everytime a mate told their spouse that they were working late rather than admitting they were actually stopping for a quick Friday night drink on their way home, or the old "What's wrong honey?" "I'm FINE" routine and then seen the drama unfold once the little "harmless" white lie is uncovered or the truth of pulled out bit by bit, I would be a rich woman (just some examples I can give you). We know exactly where we stand with each other, which is a lot more than most non-ADD couples I know. We work hard at our relationship and at managing the ADD, and to read that people would run the other way makes me feel sad because chances of our children having ADD are high and so I would hate to think that they would have this negativity towards them when ADD can be a managed and workable condition with the right treatment, support and networks.
I love my fella just as he is and would not trade any part of him for anything. He feels the same way - particularly about his ADD. We are well aware of how ADD affects our lives and tend to focus on the positives - yes there are many. And no, contrary to one of the comments above, we are not masochistic. We are just very upfront, honest and direct about what we are dealing with and it works for us.