I think the biggest shock to my system was the lack of order....How many of you are planner's and like order, structure and systems in your daily living of life?
All my life I've had to have order...I was raised by a single parent....Two brother's one older, w/ add and learning disabilities, one younger very smart, but probably adhd... Mother left for work at 5 AM....So I was the middle son who had to get up and from an early age be the responsible one to try and get dead heads up and to the bus stop on time..LOL....My first marriage of 30 years...I had to have order because of children's schedules, my wife and I both working, also my wife had OCD and PTSD that stemmed from sexual abuse....So again I needed to be strong, and maintain some kind of order...Which is fine....Fast forward to now...My wife and I have cleared a lot of huddles in learning how to co-exist.. thankfully...But in looking at our differences from day one, and even setting here now...I realize there is no order in her life...(Not planning ahead, and waiting to the last minutes is her order) She just kind of flows with the moment...I guess if you can get by with that then it's OK...But, how does that transfer to a relationship with us who like order ? Boy she could tell you her horror stories right here..LOL>....If you like order or feel you have to have it....And she/he does not....Your first priority should be to set-up boundaries....
Boundaries have really help me get a handle on my own guilt (and propensity to control;)) for not always being subject to her life style....My past has lead me into a typical servant's mindset, (not that that's bad, but, when it's blindly forced on others or used as an excuse to control it becomes bad) Boundaries are good, they breed accountability and lessen stress on those who without them find themselves being abused...In my case it maybe something as simple as driving separate cars, to be on time for something...or doing my own grocery shopping so I can count on having something I want to eat, Separate taxes, Separate finances...There are just some people and we are two of them who want last until the bread gets done (not in any healthy form anyway) w/o acceptance and boundaries....
I would like to hear from others concerning Order and Structure...If you think it plays a role in your ability or inability to co-exist peacefully with your spouse....
Thanks c ur self;)
C ur self re: lack of order post (one year ago)
Submitted by Zapp10 on
First off to Mihi, J and C ,regarding my printing off "insights" to ADD for my H this past weekend, he did receive them with an open heart and found really helpful value in them. When I handed them to him I said "these help me to understand ADD. I want to understand so I can do what I need to do to help this situation. Read them or not.....that is up to you. I am not bringing ADD up anymore. If and when you want to talk about it you have to be the one that initiates conversation from here on. I believe you feel the same "no hope" that I have experienced for our situation and it's NOT TRUE. However, you need to know I will not continue to live THIS (separate) way indefinitely." He did come to me later and say what I had printed off was VERY helpful and I could see he was being sincere.
About lack of order...
This is one area I have found the most easiest to deal with the more I understood what goes on. oh the time wasted in "nutsville". I organize, to the best I can do, common areas according to what he needs. And I have learned to leave it where it is because "little changes" can be huge to him. One big thing was his clothes. A light bulb moment for me was what" out of sight out of mind" is to him. I do laundry detail. Jeans, underwear, socks and t-shirts in drawers. Fine right? After years of his not being able to "find" these things in his drawers and taking my time to come help him I "got it" Now, there is a small short 2 shelf bench in our laundry/ bathroom. Right from the dryer I fold jeans and place them on the top shelf(counter height) and the underwear, t shirts etc go in a basket on bottom shelf. VOILA!!!! IT benefits BOTH of us.I literally only take ONE step to put his clothes away.
I have also "simplified" the kitchen. Basic pans, utensils etc. Cupboards are not full. Fridge is not packed.
I myself am liking this so "hats off" to ADD. The biggest thing about this is NOT changing things, which I had a propensity to do and now I see the difficulty it caused him.
He has his "own" room for all his hobbies ,office etc and I DO NOT touch it, including cleaning and he does a pretty good job. If it starts to get bad he does see it eventually...and I don't ever say a word except "how nice it looks" (This room is located in the center of activity to our house. You cannot shut a door to it and anyone who comes sees it first thing) I am more impressed at myself for letting go of how he keeps it......and I think it may "help" him be a little more conscious of it.
He has "started" to use a common area to bring some overflow into but for the time being I am saying nothing. Should it increase I would speak up, but in the meantime, it's fine(with me)
Also simplified winter things like hats, gloves and oohh so much easier. No more....."have you seen...."
C or anyone else, any more "hints" for these, to me, less serious sides of ADD? I find lightening his load lightens mine....and I love that.
Now if we could just make even a little headway on communication( the killer for me).
Z