Learning to Like Yourself Again – Non-ADD Spouse Version

I find myself struggling between finding myself again and wondering if my husband will seek the help that is needed.  We go thru episodes where he is unhappy and not sure what direction to go in, does he want to be married or not. 

There is a truly wonderful man and although he has been treated for Add for several years , I see signs of untreated depression.  He will not seek treatment for this .  He says I am the only person that has said anything and that no one at work thinks he has a problem.  He shuts down and closes me out and then a few days later we are ok and he is happy and friendly.  I told him that his not wanting to particpate in life makes me sad. I am tired of doing things by myself.  He tells me he is not responsible for my unhappiness. 

I am going to read this and post it and make changes to become the person I was and find happiness once again.

Although my ADD spouse did not have an affair, his *increasing* unwillingness to deal appropriately with some of the key issues that affected our relationship led me to the same kind of point after 30 years of marriage (and 10 years of working in knocking-myself-out trying-to-make-it-work self-destructive mode myself).  In our case the "declaration of independence" involved my telling him that I wanted a separation as a result, and I asked him to leave.  I wasn't angry, I just couldn't cope with him any more, and I felt that without time away from him, our marriage was doomed.  This was a huge shock to my husband (although that had not been my purpose -- I simply couldn't endure things the way they were any longer.)  Like you, I didn't assume we would stay married, and while we were separated, I was able to reinforce my independence.  During our separation, my husband continued his meetings with his ADD counselor, and based on his recommendations, we established a formalized arrangement of meetings several times a week (not with the counselor present!  just my husband and I).  My husband discovered that although he certainly could manage life on his own (which he had never doubted), his life without me was considerably less rich in quality.  We were separated for a little less than a year (a very very difficult period, since my husband was very upset with me for several months).  We didn't stop the formalized meetings when he finally moved back since they had proved to be very worthwhile.  It took a lot of hard work for several more years, but now we have a much stronger relationship and my husband has woken up to the reality that he'd rather deal with the issues that affect our relationship than scrap the relationship.  I'm not sure I would say I exactly like myself better, but the more independent person I went back to being is certainly easier for me to live with, and that is definitely a plus for me!

I must say, however, that it was easier to take this kind of risk with our marriage than it might have been at an earlier point, because we no longer had children at home.  It's a much tougher call to decide that things have come to a breaking point, when it's not just between husband and wife, but when kids are affected too.

Hi Melissa!
Thank your for this wonderful piece of advice. I will print it out and keep with me. I am in this situation at this very moment and feel very hurt and angry. My husband of 14 years is in a process of entering an affair with a women that works in same company with him. According to him, nothing sexual has happened yet, but kissing and holding hands etc. But he is seriously considering to leave me. We have 2 wonderful daughters and I have really tried to save our marriage for them and for myself as well.

We just came back from 3 week holiday together and I was really trying to work on our relationship, although he was constantly in contact with this other woman by sending emails and talking on the phone and sending sms. These messages were not just simple "hello, how are you type of messages". I saw few of them on his mobile and they were kind of "cannot wait until you are free" and love you so much etc.

Tell me how can I get to this point, not to care anymore if we are together or not? I find it so difficult, but I am not willig to compromise myself either.

I read this article at the right time- thank you! I, too, have become angry. I'm so filled with anger and resentment that I thought my head would pop today from it. I notice that I have lost myself along this way and I want to go back to the old me - who I really am. My kids deserve to see that person. I deserve to see that person again. I have already begun to do so and I didn't know. I've been going out and about with my children, taken up a new hobby that I'm excited about, looked up dance classes that I've wanted to do, applied to several jobs. Now all I have to do is let go of my hubby. Let go and let God, as they say!

I really appreciate the message written by Melissa because I just had a meeting with our counselor last week where I said that I am angry about the last 6 years of our marriage and I don't know how to deal with it, where to put it, how to let it go. 

My husband has ADD to the nth degree, and without knowing this, we've had a very very bumpy six years of marriage.  I can recall screaming, begging, pleading, plotting, scheming, trying, asking, planning, devising, suggesting, requesting that my husband "come to the table" and take ownership of our relationship and all of the tasks and responsibilities of running a marriage.  He has been completely in the dark and checked out in terms of the things that need to be taken care of.  He spends all of his attention and free time on the computer, or rather computers...because one computer to pay attention to is not enough.  He typically has a few applications, movies, video games and other distractions running all at the same time.  In the meantime, I am the one running around in the background who even knows who our insurance agent is, who knows and negotiated the terms of our home loan, who negotiated with the car salesman, who knows when our son's nect vaccinations are due and who plans for and prepares taxes each year.  Did I mention that I also prepare a financial plan for at least 3-4 paychecks down the road on an ongoing basis so that he can plan his money accordingly? 

I can't say that my husband doesn't do anything, because through screaming and blowing up like St. Helens multiple times, he now on board with taking care of the kitchen at night, taking the garbage out and the bins to the curb on garbage day, and taking the dog out.  He's even started to take care of laundry other than his own.  The one saving grace about ADD is that my husband is extremely tied to routines (but don't try to break routine!) so his laundry was part of the routine, I just got him to do some of the 50 loads of everyone else's laundry while doing his!

However, none of his participation in household duties came about without a lot of painful pulling, screaming, pleading (all of the measures described above) on my part.  Each accomplishment is  something that I can not look at with joy and greatfulness because he's helping out and is engaged, but rather I resent what I had to do to get him there!  Now that he has resently been diagnosed with ADD and is getting help from a phsychiatrist and a Dr for meds, he is now the wounded victim and according to him, I need to give him a break and be patient!  Um, what about me!!!!!!  Because he has this diagnosis now, it appears that his slate is wiped clean and I am left being an angry, wretched B#@!*.  Even while he's getting all this help, I recently uncovered an Amex bill that was racked up with all kinds of personal expenditures...lunch, iTune charges, tech gadgets...whatever popped into his mind, apparently he bought for himself.  The reason this is so extremely disturbing to me is that we agreed, and had discussed often, that the Amex would not be used for personal purchases anymore.  He agreed and assured me througout the month that he was not using it for such purchases.  Well, $445 dollars later in gadgets and lunches, all he had to say was "Sorry" and look at me the same way he does when he gets "caught" doing everything else he swears he won't do but does.  Then, when he came home later he lashed out at me angrily about making him feel bad and guilty about what he had done.  The catch is that I thought about how I would confront him about this and I decided to take a non-blaming or scolding approach.  I was shaking I was so upset (I believed him when he said he wasn't using the card anymore) so I decided to tell him how it made me feel to find this out.  I said I was scared for our financial future, that I was confused and hurt.  In the end, I was still the bad guy. 

Six years of this has widdled me down to a mere shadow of my former self.  Angry?  Oh yeah!  If I stay, it could be the death of me, if I leave, I am so destroyed that who would want a washed up, overweight, angry and beat down woman such as myself?  I look at pictures of  myself when we were dating and I just see someone who is so happy, glowing skin, nice hair, fresh faced and physically fit.

Was I put on this earth to solve his problems at the expense of my own self?  No.  Did I take vow at marriage for better or for worse?  Yep. Do we have a sweet 4 year old who I don't want brought up in a broken home?  Yep.   Did I really need to read Michelle's message above...on this day....the day after finding the Amex bill?  Oh yes.  Now,  my list is made, my mantra has been formed.  Wish me luck.  I'm off on a journey to find me, the gal who I knew when she was 33 and am going to find out who she is again at 39.

I have read, read read so many posts but recently have just "got it".  I too am the non ADD spouse who for the last 10 years have put out the financial, physical and emotional fires unmanaged ADD symptoms can cause to the sufferer and those who live with and love them.  I have newly joined all the spouses who are ready to give up the battle and live happier, better lives. My epiphany:  Just because your spouse has a disability doesn't mean your life  HAS to be destroyed. Here is what I came up with that helped me regain my happiness and sanity. (maybe it'll help someone)

1. Don't let your spouses anger, frustration, or chaos ruin your day/evening.  Feel sorry for them, tell them it must be hard to be so frustrated and confused...then move on with your day (work, school, fun with your kids, run/walk/gym etc.). Their anger is about them NOT ABOUT YOU. Let me put it this way - if you weren't around, they would still be confused, frustrated and angry.

2. I looked around my house and made a list of what bothered me most. For me it was the unmowed lawn, peeling house paint, and tools left out (dangerous for my 3 children). I decided we (my kids and I) would be responsible for most of the upkeep of the house together. Now, I like pulling into my driveway after work and seeing pretty flowers, a mowed lawn and neat house. It's - NICE.

3. Take over the finances. Despite wanting to equally share responsibilities in our finances, I realized my husband really lacked the focus to maintain interest in this. I still wish otherwise, but there are no more surprise $bills and we have a healthy savings. We both get cash allowences for the week.  I get the feeling of SECURITY in return for my efforts.

4. I gave him the spare (guest) room and bathroom to live how he well - lives. His mess, clothes, papers, and filth can pile up. I don't feel responsible for it. I just close the door and FORGET ABOUT IT. If he can't find clean socks - it's HIS PROBLEM.

5. One blogger suggested using paper plates and utensils - genius. Helped alot. When I get tired of this, the kids and I eat off the real stuff and save his dinner on a paper plate for whenever he may come in from work. He reheats it, and when he is done, throws it away.

6. I started painting again. I joined a running club. I got really involed with my childrens' swim team. In short, I stopped waiting for him to notice me, or make plans with us.  He can join if he wants to or not, we HAVE FUN ANYWAY.

Issues still remain in our marriage but they just don't effect me so profoundly anymore.  For me, the revelation is this: I don't have to cure my husbands ADD traits, but simply contain them in a way that does not effect our communal life so negatively. I'm  pulling myself and kids out of the chaos with or without him!

Now that I've regained my sanity - Melissa, how do we (I) go about rekindling the warmth/affection in my own heart for my husband? How after what you went through - did you go about softening that "heart of stone" feeling?

I got exactly the same problem with you. Hubby have an affair online thru chatting site and facebook, doesn't even care if he get enough sleep. It bothers me and pissed me off all the time as he shut all kinds of communications with me. We had several big fights, and he told me he will change slowly if only I give him some more time and space. At first I didn't understand at all, why he's doing it anyway when he knows it's going to distract him from daily life's activities.

I couldn't sleep thinking that he contacted that woman every second, started to hate my life and my stupid decision to married him a long time ago. I would go to him fueled with anger and confronted him of his mistakes and what I didn't get from him. He kept saying that I was not patient enough to wait for him to change. One day I couldn't help anymore, I really wanted to hurt him with my words, and to get a divorce.  It came back to me as a big blow, as he believed he did nothing wrong and fought me back by doing something he never ever did to me. I was so shocked.

He seemed to regreted for what he's doing, but a day later, he was already starting to sit all day in front of the computer. That was my moment of truth, I asked myself if I deserve this kind of life. So I made a decision to make myself happy by doing what I like. I started to contact all of my old friends that I abandoned because I was so focus on my marriage life and always been very accomodating to my husband. I tried not to think about him and what he needs, and more to think about myself and what I need. I start to feel good and not blaming myself, still have ups and downs but I keep searching for something that can make me happy. My husband looks surprise because I treat him well now, without nagging. I give him the freedom to do whatever he wants . He's improving a bit by starting to go to gym again and help me do the chores, which he didn't do for the last 2 months since the affair began.

This morning I read your blog and it really help me to understand, why I feel so good now. And I'm totally agree of your suggestion to detach ourselves from the marriage institution, it's my self that needed to be saved. So now I'm not thinking of divorce nor a reconciliation, I'm just thinking to continue my life to the fullest. I forgive my self and my hubby, let go of my anger, and nowadays I don't need the sleeping pills. I try to be independent so when he refuse to involve in my activities, I don't feel it as a rejection. It's a long way to go from here, but at least I have my self back on track! Thanks for your post, I don't feel alone now.

I feel sorry for what you people have had, or are currently going through. I'm saying that from the other side of the fence. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with A.D.D.. I battled through depression, went to daily group sessions met with a psychiatrist which led to more depression. I knew what I should be doing but couldn't understand why I didn't follow through. I especially felt sorry for what I was putting myself through. The A.D.D. diagnosis was a eureka moment.

After reading all of your posts I'd like to state that not every A.D.D spouse cheats, is totally inconsiderate, demeaning, a hot head... et al. I understand that you are expressing your own thoughts and experiences however I truly hope we are not all painted with the same brush. Bad spouses come in varies shapes and sizes.

My wife, of 32 years, and I are currently experiencing a rough patch. (We married at the age of 20.) Our kids, who are now adults, aren't leaving the nest and we argue about their roles in the household (one of our girls show strong signs of A.D.D. .). I must admit I'm hyper-focused on the issue which I'm sure leads to my wife's frustration.

My concern, with some of the opinions, has to do with the "let'em fail" approach. I'm not saying you should take over the duties or cover for your A.D.D. spouse, that can't be good for you or the relationship. Going the exact opposite, in my opinion, is just as damaging. My wife and I were married for 30 years before my A.D.D. diagnosis. I experienced the joy of knowing. Now I'm experiencing the greiving state of what could have been and what others (namely my wife) had/has to experience. The fact that all of this has raised self-esteem issues, for your's truly, isn't helping. In my opinion, at least in our case, tough love isn't the best medicine when trying to solve this problem. (No matter how much work you put into it, you can't make a cat bark... even though it might get you on America's Funniest Videos!) I now don't view marriage as an individual sport. (Notice I said "now"... awareness, meds and A.D.D. therapy does work even though my past still comes up to haunt me.) Work together and you jointly benifit. As a person with A.D.D. I have positives to offer. My only wish is that my wife can fully understand what it's like from this side of the fence. Once that happens we can work on this challenge together. The sink or swim approach only works in wading pools, at least that's my opinion... then again I could be biased.

I have been married to a ADDer for over 20 years. He was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADD and he has "mentally checked out" in his words for the last 6 to 8 years! We have struggled with trying to run different businesses (he says he could never work for someone and take orders from them) and try to keep them afloat. We each had to file for bankruptcy (5 years apart) to eliminate our mounting business debts and massive credit card bills. He is a "great guy" who does what he wants, when he wants, without worrying about the consequences. He is a creative person and comes up with ideas in business but does not carry through on them as he gets distracted and looses interest, and then comes up with another idea! In the beginning, I could juggle the finances and make it work, but as time went by it became harder to deal with massive bills - tough when expenses are way higher than income! He believes that it was my poor financial skills that got us in this mess since "you were in charge of the finances" - I was in charge of paying the bills and he was in charge of raking them up!

He did not want to take medication for ADD or do anything about his depression (he had just mentally checked out, he was not depressed) - all he would do is go to business where he would be busy doing things (but not necessarily have a productive day and actually finish the required jobs) or sitting on his computer reading emails till 1-2 in the morning! His family sent medication for him in the mail, but he did not like them and the side effects and he stopped them in a short while - he would not go to a doctor so it was not monitored! The only time he went to a doctor was for testing and got back a letter saying he had ADD. Nothing was done about it.

It has been very rough trying to help and finish his creative start-ups, try to keep on top of his business jobs without him feeling he was not in charge (He HAS to be in charge, he is the man of the house) - that became difficult as our 2 kids grew up and I had to spend time looking after them and my in-laws who spent considerable time with us on my own. Responsibility was all mine, he would play with the kids or spend time with his parents when I reminded him that he needed to talk to them and not go sit on his computer every evening after dinner.

I wrote to his family that someone needed to do something about his problems and I cannot take care of everything on my own - kids, bankruptcies, lack of money, a house that he did not help maintain, etc. The end result was that he left the house a year ago and went to live with his brother - leaving behind massive debts at work, and $ 6000+/mth home expenses, a kid in an ivy league college and his tuition! For 6 months, he helped pay for nothing here, and all his expenses were taken care of there by his brother and hence he had no expenses! If it had not been for my younger son who helped at work every evening and on weekends (he is very bright and does extremely well in school) the business would have gone bankrupt again and we woudl have been in deep financial difficulties again! He says he is getting better and his depression was gone as soon as he left home (!), his ADD is under control with no medications, and he is totally fine. In the meantime, my son and I spent the year paying the debts, college tuition, house expenses, and with the help of some wonderful, wonderful friends did up the house a bit and sold it. He would not pay for the painting/touching up the house or cleaning the house saying that "it wasn't needed" and if I wanted to do that to sell the house sooner, I would have to pay for it! Since I did not have money a friend paid for it!!

He now sends enough money to pay for the apt. and utilities and basic expenses. I am trying to run the business, and lately he has come for 2-4 days, when I am not there, and makes major changes because he wants to try out something new, and then expects me to continue wherever he takes the business and then leaves and takes off again. He has done this so many times where he changes the course of the business and then leaves it to me to continue from where he left it that I just cannot take it anymore. So, 2 weeks ago, when he came while I was gone and changed things around again, I FINALLY decided "that this was it" and I would not run his business anymore (my name is not on the business and I don't have any liability. He and our son are on all the documents). He has to come back and either run the business himself, or close it down and that's it. His comment is " That he does not have to do anything, and I should be grateful when he does anything" - and I am never grateful "enough" - what DOES grateful enough mean? in a marraige? because he claims that he is married, just living 400 miles away, but is not repsonsible for helping out with the house, wife and kids he left behind? He only needs to do anything, if he FEELS like it.

I have so forgotten what I wanted in life, that if I had a few minutes when I was not running around after him or the kids, I do not know what to do with myself - I have no hobbies, no time or inclination to enjoy anything because I am just so tired, and have a knee and ankle problem. He, on the other hand in my opinion, is enjoying being a single man going on holidays - skiing, white water rafting, just holidays - things he never did with the kids when they wanted to. The last holiday we went on together was 6 years ago to a week long religious conference, with a 3 day stopover in London at my sister's. After that, all we have done is work, work, and work, trying to keep ourselves afloat financially with 1 son in college, and the other starting to apply for next september. He must have gone for 4-5 holidays in the last year since they are paid for by his brother.

Several people in his family have ADD (I found that out last year when someone made a random comment) and should know what it is like to go through that themselves and as a spouse and mother of an ADDer! Instead they have chosen to totally cut all ties with us and only support their brother in everything! If I say anything, my husband's answer is (as of yesterday)- "This is the way I am, I am not going to change. Take it the way I am, or we should separate" - this is constantly what I get and I am tired of living life like this. He says he has improved and is doing well in the new business he has started, under his brother's supervision and his infrastructure of office and staff, and blames me for all his failures! He is successful since he has moved - not that initially taking meds and regularly seeing a physician, going for counselling, and changing his lifestyle by exercising, meditation and not sitting in front of the computer has anything to do with his improvement! Or that he has to work from start to finish because nobody is there to complete the job, and he won't get paid unless it is finished. He is now taking responsibility for his actions because he is on his own in business - he does not seem to get that.

I am trying to set boundaries of not continuing his business, of trying to study and get back into the workforce so I can earn money (what happens when he stops sending money as that is dependent on "my behavior" - if I behave he will send it, otherwise there will be consequences of my behavior!) I will have 2 kids in college next year that he says he will pay for them, but ...! He says a lot of things and in his mind they are done because he thought of them but does not realize that nothing was done to put that into reality! Thinking is equal to have done that in his mind. He also forgets what he said, so his constant thing is that I am making stuff up and saying he said things that he never said! My perception of the words are always wrong.

I am just so tired after 23 years, and so broken mentally, physically and emotionally (he says he is fine and I am the one with borderline personality disorder and love to live a life of chaos and I am the spender in the family?!), that I do not think I can continue anymore unless he changes and shows that he is willing to do it. I am tired of his threats that he can do what he wants and I have to finish his jobs (he did that at work and at home - you would not believe the mess he can make in the kitchen when he cooks only pasta! he cooks and I have to clean up). I have started seeing the counsellor (gone a few times) that he sees (both of us see her individually and as a couple) and am trying to have the strength to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them (we have gone through this business crisis 4 times in 2 years - every time I felt bad and went back to work 15 hours days- literally, no exaggeration - with 0 pay). This time I have to stick to not going back to the business (and let him deal with it) and doing a job that gives me financial independence. If I don't do that I will have to stay in this marriage just because of financial insecurity and I don't want to do that - it is pathetic for a person with a Master's degree to be working so many hours at work, and then coming home and looking after the house and everything it entails, and being financially so dependent! He is using that as a controlling issue, reminding me constantly that it is because of him that my son and I have a roof over our heads. On his own he is earning, when he was here he didn't do it, so he is capable or just doesn't work enough to support the family if he has a choice? Is that it? He does say that if he had a choice he wouldn't work - so earlier I did things so he had a choice, and now he has to work so he does? Then that is not ADD, it is intentional. When he cannot tell right from left while driving when I am in the car, but is perfectly fine on his own, that is not ADD, but a choice, isn't it? 

At this point, I do not know whether I want to stay married for the sake of it or not, for myself, for the kids who will both be in college next year. He seems to want to decide whether we stay married or not depending on whether I behave or not! Caring for him doesn't have to mean that he can treat me like a doormat, and I allow that to happen. Just so tired. But I do see life getting better now that I have time to think (after stopping to run his business a week ago), starting to study for my certificate and learning to enjoy the things I used to before we got married. It is difficult but if I do a little everyday it has to get better. And if he comes back to visit we can sit down and talk about the future - I have come to the point that it doesn't make a difference - only what matters to ME is that I get to enjoy life too. That I go back to being a human being with wants and desire, not a body that does their bidding.

Hi Melissa

One of the steps you mention is "Seek help from a professional". Should I be trying to find a professional that has a background in ADD so when I am expressing my feelings (hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, etc) about my life with an ADD person they can understand what I am talking about and help me with dealing with that?

Thank you

Sass

I have an ADD husband, diagnosed 1 year ago at age 58. We have been married 3 years and it has been the toughest and most unrewarding 3 years of my life. This is the second marriage for both of us, his behaviour was a significant factor in the first marriage disintegrating and the major factor in the second one almost disintegrating. ADD is not the only set of issues my (current) husband has to deal with, he is very controlling (in a covert, passive, VERY aggressive way), very conservative, has unresolved issues with his family of origin, but it does seem to accentuate them and make them worse.

I have just realised, with no small sense of shock, that what I have been trying to do this past year is to be myself and enjoy life again. I have reconnected with old friends, spent 3 months out of the coutry with family, friends and often just by myself. That has saved my sanity. My husband just does not "get it" and feels that I have serious problems, including possibly being bi-polar. He sees my explosions of frustration at his irresponsible, unreasonable and totally self centred behaviour as totally confusing, there's no reason for me to explode like that, why am I behaving so badly! He spent a lot of time in denial upon his diagnosis of ADD, didn't want to take medication and doesn't take it on weekends. I have recently asked him to take it on weekends as I am tired of him reserving his most pleasant and productive behaviour for work and leaving me the unmedicated awful dregs. I don't know if he will do it or not as he said that he liked a break from being driven. Actually, he's not at all driven when on Adderall, he's just behaving a bit more like a regular non-ADDer.

I have the opportunity to find what it is I want to do with my life and I do see our marriage as being a very "loose" arrangement where I will increasingly live independently of him. That arrangement may be able to provide me with the outlets I need in order to be happy and sufficient distance from his truly objectionable and hurtful behaviours. He is very resistent to change and I don't  know that at his age of diagnosis whether he will be able to make even the small changes necessary for a marriage to get beyond the survival stage. Survivors often come out of their ordeal pretty beat up, and I've certainly taken a beating in this one. I don't see a future for the marriage, I don't see divorce either, either of those will happen as a result of my search for myself and happiness, and I acknowledge that it may not in the end include him. That acknowledgement is very liberating and I strongly recommend it. It does seemto be the first step on the path to healing for the non-ADD spouse/partner.

I am on the brink.  Do I dare believe this site can help me.  I am on strong anti-depressants, sleeping pills and a perscription stimulant and high blood pressure pills.  With this regiment, I can stay awake and work the hours I need to work, to make sure we have a house over our heads.  We are still in our starter home, our kids are grown and moved out.  I am resigned to the fact that this is the only house I will ever have.  (I am greatful for my home but something different during my life would have been cool.) I have raised our kids, paid our bills, worked everyday, had secret bank accounts so we could save a dollar or two.

We have been married 19 years, next month.  It took several years for my husband to be diagnosed.  He went on medicine.  It helped for a while.  He hasn't been able to hold a job longer than 3 years.  His attitude has been "I am priveleged to have him."  He deserves everything I give.  He is a terrible flirt and his reasoning is, he wants to have nice conversation with nice women.  If I wasn't such a witch he could have that with me.  We haven't been physical for nearly 3 and 1/2 years.  He just isnt interested because he can remember "that time I made him mad years ago, or I looked at him wrong today.....It is my fault his mother died of cancer (she was my besg friend) the day my father was buried (he died from cancer 3 months before his mother) my husband became very angry with me because I did not pay enough attention to him.  I could go on and on.....but why.....

We recently separated, I told him I could not live like this any longer.  He agreed, he could not either (cuz I am so mean.)  I went to my mothers so he could make his final decision.  The next day i discovered he joined three internet dating sites and was very active on the internet. I asked him why.  His answer was he needed to know that he was not that bad of a person.  He wanted to see if he was still desirable.  I believed that he made his decision.  I moved back into the house a few days later.  I moved him downstairs and told him he had 2 weeks to get his affairs in order and move out.  (I feel I have paid for most of this house, i am not leaving.)  He has a few more days left, but he has decided he is not mad at me anymore. The world is wonderful.  All should be forgotten now.  I should be happy that he decided he wants to keep the marriage. 

I am so confused, so angry, bitter, mixed up, hurt, devistated, ......tired.   I do not have anything left inside to continue in this game.  I believe life is one great big joke. 

He seems very content having his own bedroom.  He doesn't understand why I am not jumping for joy at his new found happiness.  He cannot understand what else I could want. He is being kind again but at the sme time he is receiving "connectons" on his dating sites and suggestive face book entries.  I am so confused.  

Maybe I am being unreasonable and selfish.  I just do not want to jump for joy.  Most of me wants him to leave but there is a slimmer of hope that if I try just one more time, things will be different. 

Do I dare hope again?  I have read some other  and speoples writing and I swear I am reading my own diary.  Are there really people that feel exactly like I do?  Do I dare hope again? 

Thanks, Melissa, for your suggestions above.  It's putting into words what I've actually been doing out of desperation for the last 4 or 5 months. I grew up with an undiagnosed ADHD mother.  Very angry household.  Mom and Dad divorced.  My sisters and I became the parent; Mom was the child.  A couple of years ago, my husband was diagnosed with ADHD.  My husband is still processing this and has become even more childlike after his diagnosis.  It has given him a label for his misbehaviors, and I feel he uses this as a vindication for them.  Prior to diagnosis, he didn't throw temper tantrums.  He didn't yell, scream, and thrash about when something frustrated him.  I never know who I'm coming home to; whether the house is filled with tension or calm.  He is taking medication (adderral (sp?)), but he hasn't sought counseling in a long time. "I'll get to it." but he never does.  This past summer, I came to realize that my marriage had become the mirror image of my very painful childhood.  I had come to the end of my rope and my survival instincts took over.  I needed to find myself again.  It's very difficult to even figure out what my needs are to be happy.  They've been hidden since I was a child.  Slow, thoughtful process that sometimes feels superficial because sometimes I can't even find my deep emotions.  I must say, though, it has been very liberating as I've begun to emerge.  I actually like myself.  For the first time in my 14 years of marriage (and 47 years of life), I realize how emotionally neglected I've been.  I now know that I need the emotional connection of an adult partnership.  I'm scared that my realization of this and my detachment from my husband's and my parent/child relationship will cause me to eventually give up on the marriage.  I'm already having these thoughts.  My husband needs to own his ADHD.  For me, discovering my needs now comes first.  Painful, yes.  I'm writing this with tears streaming down my face.  For the praying community out there, I sure could use some.  Thank you to all the bloggers out there; reading your posts gives me strength and hope.   

Thank you so much for this article...its a step I did not know how to take. I can only hope I have the emotional strength to get up and make the move I need to make, to save me, maybe the marriage will get saved in the process. I used to really like who I was...a strong independent emotionally stable, financially stable, even calm person.Then I married this energetic,radical handsome man who absolutely adored me, boy, that made such a impact on me, because my first husband left me and our 3 children 10 years earlier to have an affair with a friend of mine (they got married). In those ten years I learned how to pull my self up out of that hurt and depression, I went back to school, I learned how to save money and pay bills, purchase not only one house but two. I raised my kids almost alone, having had custody of them.

When the children grew up I met and married my very active ADHD husband, who as I mentioned above loved me and still loves me with every fiber of his being. As I write this I feel like a crud! I for the most part, don't feel like he does...my love for him has dwindled away, my self assuredness is gone, all things I used to love to do have all stopped...including my friendships with other women. He on the other hand is active with his own hobbies, and his distractions usually keep his mind occupied.

My husband also has ADHD to the ninth degree as some one else mentioned, so I wont mention all the things that his ADHD behavior's do to make me feel out of control angry and lost. I read about how many ADDers are well liked...my husband is not! Many in my family will do everything they can to avoid him, he's very out going loud and opinionated, sometimes even judgmental, and has controlling tendencies. He has only two friends and they don't even"hang" out with him. I am embarrassed to go out with him for he usually does some thing, says something to up set people...and I hear about it later,that brings me down and I feel less for him,because others talk about him in a disappointing manner or he's not well liked or respected... so we usually just stay home. 

Our home is cluttered by his junk (that he wont throw away) there are rooms that cant even be walked through properly...unless I start chucking things out with out his knowledge, I hate to do that, but I feel I am left with no choice, he does have a room of his own and this room is a disaster zone...I too just close the door.

I feel depressed... he doesn't, I am angry most of the time...he's not...he's just happy-go-lucky, and nothing seems to bothers him. When on occasion something does touch his consciousness, he will simply apologise, and thinks all is well...yet his "bad" behaviour don't ever change! Not even the loss of his 11Th job (fired,as usual just last week) in our short 5 year marriage can make him think that there really may be something wrong....I am beside my self alone and I feel afraid for us financially...again! I too have been just diagnosed with RA and find it hard to physically do things, I have gone from full time work to part time, so I do relay on him financially...I hate that! He has racked up so many credit cards, bills don't get payed on time...then heat gets turned off, or something else...our name in the world of credit rating is poor because of his spending and not paying behaviors...Its hard to handle because my credit score used to be good.

I wonder... if I still was alone and independent and a happy single woman, would my RA have hit me so hard and so fast...did my depression and anger bring it on???? ....I am not saying that I was not predisposed to it in the first place...I just wonder would it have come so quickly...

 Before our marriage I was very active, slim, healthy, happy, with many activities and friends. Now its all gone, I don't know who I am any more...just a keeper of my ADHD husband.I am going to take a step in faith and do as Melissa has suggested and just start painting again, just get my self to the Y and start swimming, I am going to try and over come this daunting fear and call up an old friend who I let go of, just after I married...maybe she'll have coffee with me? But...then again I'll start crying over my marriage and my unhappiness...like Iam doing here and who wants that?

I am "almost" new to this site, I have only started posting but, have been reading for a while...my name is "Hidden" I do apologise for going on about the things he does,,,I said I wouldn't. My husband and I are aware of his condition, he has been diagnosed ADHD he has been to a physiatrist, who doesn't seem to care. He has been on 3 different med's,they really don't help much and only leave him severely underweight and lethargic. We have not received counselling for there is no such thing here were we live...not even from his doctor. I also have a part in all this craziness, I too have contributed to the demise of our marriage and could have made different choices, more than likely my anger has done more damage to both I and our relationship that I realize...Be it that it may...this is were I am now, and I feel like I am drowning, and very unhappy. I will try try again for the hundredth time, only this time I will do it not to save our marriage or us...just me!

Bird on a Wire is a name that came to mind when I signed up for this website. It’s metaphorical for my attitude toward my 36 year old marriage… should I stay or fly away. We are in the process of repairing 22 years of very difficult times. After watching the PBS series “This Emotional Life” I asked my husband, on a scale of 1 to 10 how happy he was, 10 being the happiest… he said about 8 and doing more things with me would make the number increase… That should have made me warm and fuzzy, right? When he asked me about my thoughts, I said I was about a 5 or 6… spending more time with friends and art work that I like would make me happier… I couldn’t bring myself to say that it had much to do with him… honestly.

He knows he is ADD and tried to get help for it over the years but didn’t stick with anything... I personally didn't know how just how much it actually affected me so I just continued down the path of depression and lowering self esteem. Thankfully a new job 12 years ago, taught me how resilient and good I could be at something on my own! It also began a down turn in my marriage. We hung together 'for the sake of the kids' but my inability to communicate my personal needs with an ADD person who can't process emotional content in the same way, began a passive/negative spiral for me; confusion for him... I poured myself into work, getting a masters degree, raising 2 kids... he began staying away from the house more and more... work, coming home at unpredictable times, taking off on weekends for bike rides, etc. while the roof was leaking types of behaviors. He doesn’t process emotions very well and often accused me of undermining his relationship with our boys. He didn’t connect with them emotionally either.

For a few years we settled into a sort of friendship that was not very satisfying to either of us.  I kept myself busy and chose to do my own thing and he did his. About 3 years ago, while I agreed to transfer docs from an old computer to a new laptop for him, I discovered pictures of him and a girlfriend with whom he rekindled a relationship. It was heart wrenching wakeup call and we decided not to throw away all the years without trying to sort things out to see if we could repair our relationship after all. He said she was a fling, she lived in California; we are on the east coast.

Unfortunately, the girlfriend wasn't giving up too easily since she was divorced for about 10 years at that time and seemed desperate for 'them' to work. After we agreed to work on our relationship, he claimed he had no contact with her, which proved not to be true... they didn't see each other but kept in contact by phone and internet; however, when I asked, he said they did not.  Last April I found the pictures he said he destroyed so I wrote her a letter and said she could have him. He said (somewhat panic stricken) that he did not want her and thought it would be ok to just talk with her… duh???   I insisted on seeing a therapist I found who specialized in separation agreements. I had enough. After our first session, she got us to look at the scenario and encouraged us to give it another try. For 9 months things are progressing…  “Learning to Like Yourself” is what I’ve been working on for myself. My husband is trying to be open to change, still doesn’t ‘get it’ emotionally but trying…  I’m just feeling tired and kind of empty.

Thanks for your website… as many others noted, seeing similarities helps a person feel like they aren’t crazy, because that’s what living with an ADD partner is like most of the time.