My husband (who has ADHD) and I have been married for three years and lived together for 8 and a half. He began a medication regiment last fall after being diagnosed by a specialist a friend of mine referred me to. He did not fight me at all about it and has been very diligent about his medication schedule. He has never had a problem keeping a job, but he's felt that his quality of work has gone u substantially since being on the meds.
In February of this year, I left our home for the past 5 years in Cincinnati, OH to accept a job in the Raleigh, NC area. This is approximately a 10 hour drive away. As a result, we have only seen each other once per month since then. Although, I was the once who applied for the job, I told him I wouldn't go on the interview if he didn't want me to and later that I would turn down the job if he didn't want me to. I was on unemployment at this juncture, but knew that distance was an acceptable reason to turn down a job if I continued on unemployment, which I expressed to him. He said that it was too good an opportunity to pass up, but that I should be prepared for some really severe depression from him. I agreed and said we'd work it out together.
I spent the first few weeks in February looking for an apartment and settling in. My new job pushed back my start date a week to correspond with their training schedule, so I decided to go back to Cincinnati for a week to spend time with my husband and to visit with friends we had there (we had no family because we're both originally from NY). From the moment I arrived there, he was very rude to me. He said he was stressed out because I had called him several times on the road after getting lost (we are like the only two people on the planet who still don't have GPS or a Smart Phone). My feeling was this was just an excuse though and he basically went off on me about me "forcing him to move" and we even discussed getting a divorce. I decided to just let it ride and let him think about everything. We actually had a lovely few days towards the end of the trip and when I talked to him about it a month later he said, of course he didn't want a divorce. He told me as a hard as it was losing his friends, it would be way harder losing me.
The agreement had always been that he would move here. We have had some disagreements about when that would be. I had hoped it would be when our lease was up on our apartment in Cincinnati, which was in April, but he wanted to wait until I got switched to permanent (the job I accepted was temp-to-hire), which would be no sooner than the end of August. His reason for this was the insurance, but my feeling was that with the amount we'd save on rent, we could pay for our own insurance until I went permanent. His insurance in Cincinnati is not that spectacular anyway. We were paying a few hundred out of pocket for his medical expenses every month.
The current plan is that he will move out here the beginning of August, whether or not he has a job. The reason for that being that when our lease was up on our last apartment, he subleased a new apartment, which ends at the end of July. I am hoping that the timeframe will motivate him to get serious on looking for a job.
In Feb/March he told me he couldn't look because he was working on a project for a friend of ours he agreed to before we moved, in April he said he couldn't because he was packing for his move (he's moved most of our stuff down to NC), in May he was working on the resume (just finished about 2 weeks ago), and now he can't find anything other than what we applied to together when he was here last week on our anniversary. It just feels like there is no end to the excuses. Now he's talking about going back to school, which is fine, but I want him to find a job first. It seems like the only time he thinks about school is when he's out of work. It is frustrating because it feels like he doesn't feel the gravity of the importance for him to move here and for us to move on to the next stage of our lives.
Anyone have any experience in a similar situation? ADHDers, any tips that have helped you to get motivated to do something you really don't want to do? Non-ADHD spouses, how have you found you could best help your ADHD spouse?
Hi Sabbate,
Submitted by LaCroix on
Hi Sabbate,
I'm brand new here, and I wish I had some words of wisdom. I don't, but I wanted to write to you because your experience really resonates with me. I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. About a year into our relationship, I noticed that a lot of the aspects of our relationship that frustrated me most-- her drifting away during conversation, finding it hard to get organized and focus on specific tasks, having a hard time seeing others' perspectives, saying hurtful things accidentally, her general trouble with follow-through, pretty intense bursts of anger and frustration-- all corresponded with symptoms of ADD. I mentioned this to her and she was surprisingly open to the idea. Since then, she's done a lot of research on ADD, has joined a bunch of forums online, and has even bought a funny t-shirt that says "Ask me about my ADD" (which she loves!). But, after 3 1/2 years together and 2 1/2 years of exploring the possibility that she has ADD, she still hasn't actually gone to a doctor to get a diagnosis.
One of the excuses she gives for this is our long-distance situation. She is a working musician, whose performances take her out of the country about 1/2 of the time (usually in a two months home, two months away kind of rhythm). She says that because of this, she can't keep a job that will give her health insurance. I tried many times to get her to fill out the domestic partnership paperwork (we're both women) so that she could be on my insurance, but of course filling out paperwork under deadlines is a challenge for her, and honestly I felt that, on principal, it was not something I should have to take care of alone, so it didn't happen. When Obamacare kicked in, she was out of the country and waited till the last minute, so I had to go online at 11:45 on the night of the deadline and apply for her. Now that she has coverage, she says she can't start counseling because she's not home long enough at a time to get an appointment and have enough sessions for it to be helpful. I understand that, but I've tried many times to get her to start looking for a specialist while she's away so that she can make the appointment in advance and use the full time she's home to actually start seeing someone. But, of course, making appointments and arranging things in advance is hard for her.
So it feels like we have two major relationship problems: the distance and the ADD. And neither one helps the other.
We're fortunate in that my job gives me a lot of flexibility in the summer (not to mention a regular paycheck and health insurance). But this means I end up spending a lot of money and time traveling overseas to be with her when she's recording and touring. Don't get me wrong-- this is a very glamorous problem to have. But it's expensive and frustrating, especially when we're not together, and I have to deal with the stress of a high-pressure job all alone AND all the issues that come from trying to communicate with a partner with ADD (the drifting off in conversation, inattentiveness, bursts of anger, saying hurtful things thoughtlessly) all in a long-distance situation. It's really hard.
In the last year or so, things have gotten a lot better-- she's working on being more attentive, focused, empathic, etc., and I see a big difference. She also says she plans to find a specialist to talk with when she comes home at the end of the summer (although I haven't seen her make any plans to make that happen). She loves me and I love her and some days I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. But I'd be lying if I said the combination of ADD and long-distance aren't overwhelming. Especially as the relationship progresses and we start to talk more seriously about a future together.
I know my situation is very different from yours, but I just wanted to say hey, and that I understand at least part of what you're going through. Hope things are looking good for you and your husband's move. Thanks for prompting me to join this forum and share my story.
Welcome
Submitted by Sabbate36 on
I'm fairly new here as well. Thanks for your comment. I wish I could say something radical has changed since my last post, but it hasn't. He remains on his meds, but hasn't made any big moves towards finding a new job, but somehow I feel much better knowing he'll be here soon. I've missed him. I just hope he finds something soon and is able to make decisions about something he'd love to do. We have decided to make some daily goals and try to practice following through on them. I hope that works for him. I am currently working 12 hour shifts, so that's a lot of time to be on one's own.
Transitions
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Sabbate36,
Anyone have any experience in a similar situation? ADHDers, any tips that have helped you to get motivated to do something you really don't want to do? Non-ADHD spouses, how have you found you could best help your ADHD spouse?
My own experience is transitions are very difficult. Our 25 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD in 4th grade, and my husband, while I suspected his ADHD for a very long time, was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago at age 53.
What worked well for me with my son when he was younger was planning, encouraging, and walking him through the transitions with a lot of encouragement. Change in routine was very difficult for him. The unkown in a new routine caused him a lot of anxiety. As a child, so much that he didn't like to do anything away from home until after 11:30 am. Once we realized his bathroom habits were like clockwork - every morning at 11 am, we tried our best to consider his "morning constitutional" when we planned outings.
We have 2 children, one boy, and one girl who was born 2-1/2 years after our son. For us, this worked OK.
As our son got older, as with all children, he slowly started taking over more and more of his own planning. He knows 'routine' is his best advocate. He knows his strengths and what he can do on his own. He also will ask for help.
I once read that "Every ADHD person needs a person assistant." Hey, doesn't every success business person have secretaries and VPs and managers who assist them?!?!?!?!?
My spouse is still stuck in the quagmire of his own survival techniques. He never understood why things were so hard for him, so he built up his own walls of protection. Those very things that helped him survive, are now weighing him down, and are very difficult for me to be around. His defense come across as angry and hurtful. If he could understand that, and acknowledge that - I believe we would not be in the difficult place we are right now. Who he is - is a creative man - what he does, how he functions AGAINST the world, is what is at issue in our marriage. It is also detrimental to his construction business.
There were so many mistakes I made in our relationship - most noticeable is how I turned our husband wife relationship into a mother child relationship by helping too much and taking over too much. Now I am struggling in letting go of some things I never should have taken over in the first place. I never held him accountable to hold up his end of agreements. I just allowed myself to be hornschwagled into believing it was I who needed to adjust to make accommodations for him.
Trying to be an encourager while watching him struggle is very difficult. Especially when he strikes out at me - it is hard to live around it as it all comes across as anger.
Re: Transitions
Submitted by Sabbate36 on
I'm So Exhausted,
So much of what you said rings true for me. My husband too has "sacred" bathroom time. He also has some defenses built up that can be somewhat hurtful. Luckily, in his early 30s, he has been working on breaking down that. Sometimes I get so mad at him, but I know he must truly love me because he has done so many things in order to make me happy: seeing a counselor, moving here. We have discussed a lot about him doing these things for himself.
I also put up a white board as an "idea board." The plan is for him to get up each morning and make up a list of specific goals for the day and to cross him out as he achieves them. I have offered to help him accomplish this if need be. We also will be having a nightly discussion as to what goals he wasn't able to meet and a plan of attack for the following day. He is also very creative, so I'm hoping the use of colors will tap into his creative juices to produce tangible results. I got this idea from a friend of mine who teaches psychology. I used this myself to build my own dreams, which is how we ended here in the first place.
I feel really lucky that he agreed with me on this. We have agreed this is our best shot at combating his anxiety and depression, which is his typical response to being out of work. The main source of my reticence is the fact that I've seen in the past that practice isn't as good as the plan. I am a born planner and his difficulty with it is sometimes hard to comprehend for me, but it has also been an asset to us. It's made things possible for us. When I tell people he is ADHD, they are often surprised by the strength of our marriage, but it can still be so, so hard. I would do anything for him to be happy, but sometimes I feel taken advantage of. However, when I think of my experience of living separately, I see how much being with him helps me be better.
When I think of him, I try to remember that ADHD is such a small part of who he is. Remembering that he is a person separate from being ADHD- that he has ADHD, but it does not have him, that helps me feel better about approaching all this.
The 'who' from the 'do'
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Sabbate36,
I read such a powerful statement in your last sentence: Remembering that he is a person separate from being ADHD- that he has ADHD, but it does not have him.
I have a great amount of empathy for my spouse, as I see that the negative symptoms of ADHD have him tied up in knots. I am sure my own impatience with him adds to it. After years of trying many ways to work through our issues - which may be it is impossible for him to do it - it is affecting me in my own well being. I NEED something coming back. Something that I request. Something that I need.
It is just logical that I have expectations of what a relationship should be. Most importantly, the expectations that my spouse will say what he means, and mean what he says. Living in the place of disappointment year after year has gotten me to place of great dis-satisfaction with my relationship to my spouse.
I cannot "make" him want anything. I cannot "force" him into therapy. I cannot 'cajole' him into understanding. Tears do not work. Angry words do not work. Written letters do not work. WHO his is is a man, a father, a son, a brother, a Child of The King, a business owner, a person. As MY marriage partner, I have many unfulfilled needs. I could easily live on my own. I did it for years before we got married. I am at the place in life that I wouldn't have cared if we lived in a cardboard box under a bridge, as long as I had him beside me, to fall asleep with, to know it was us against the world. My own reality is : It is HIM against the world, and I can only follow on his coat-tails. It got old. It doesn't work anymore.
I do not know who coined this phrase, however it is so true: "When the pain of staying the same, becomes greater than the pain of change, then you will change." I need to figure out where I am in the process. I am ready for change, I just do not have the details nailed down!
What Helped
Submitted by Sabbate36 on
I think what helped for him was getting to a place where he saw the ADHD as a component of himself, how its affected his life negatively, but that there is also something about him that is deeper than his symptoms. That he is a person of value. He's still working on that of course, but until you can see yourself as a person of value, despite your limitations, you can never give to another. This is not a symptom of not loving the other person or willing yourself into in, but simply a matter of not having anything to give because you yourself are limited. Of course, as you pointed to, this is a personal journey. There is nothing more to do than watch and be supportive. And that can be frustrating. Especially when they don't seem to care to move.
"My spouse is still stuck in
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"My spouse is still stuck in the quagmire of his own survival techniques. He never understood why things were so hard for him, so he built up his own walls of protection. Those very things that helped him survive, are now weighing him down, and are very difficult for me to be around. His defense come across as angry and hurtful. If he could understand that, and acknowledge that - I believe we would not be in the difficult place we are right now. Who he is - is a creative man - what he does, how he functions AGAINST the world, is what is at issue in our marriage"
Wow.....what a well stated comment. I wish I would have said it. This is also the quagmire of what's going on in our relationship as well. Since my husband knows NOTHING about his ADHD, we can't talk about ADHD behavior until he reads the book and learns...and goes to therapy. He says he wants to now, but, I'm at my end. I think my husband has picked up on that, because he is starting to make some changes in his behavior, even if it's not the best of what he could do.....I HAVE noticed he's trying to make changes. In my flesh...and inside myself, I wonder why is he doing this NOW? After all these years, after so much damage has been done, WHY change now, when I am ready to pack it all in?
Your very own wise words
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I wonder why is he doing this NOW? After all these years, after so much damage has been done, WHY change now, when I am ready to pack it all in?
Dedelight4,
As with my own spouse, I gotta wonder,,,,,it all 'seemed' to work so well for him for so long. He got angry, I bent. He gave the cold shoulder, I swayed. I talked my head off, he seemingly ignored me. Why? Because it worked. I stayed.
I tried to figure it out. I tried to do better. Why would he think of change, when the process and cycle of our life - no matter how dysfunctional - worked for him. Now what has changed, is ME. Now he is forced - to some degree - to decide if he wants me in his life, or he wants everything his own way, on his own time schedule. Yes, ultimatum time.
And in ALL HONESTY, my heart is so afraid he will choose to stay the same. Uckypoo. Rejection.
This statement hit me too
Submitted by Sabbate36 on
About a year into our relationship, I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. There was a certain action that he was doing that was completely unacceptable to me. He and I had talked about it numerous times, but nothing seemed to sink in. Finally, I had a conversation with him and my best friend at the time, who was on vacation with us at the time. I thought it would be over, but I guess I finally got through to him. The action almost completely stopped after that occurrence. He occasionally backslides, but it is rare. I don't know why it has to get to that point to get him to change his behavior, but I've noted this several times over the course of our relationship. It seems like it has to get so bad I'm contemplating the whole relationship in order to get him to stop.