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Looking at the Roots of Your Emotions

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon, 02/11/2008 - 12:47

At its worst, my ADD marriage was filled with swirling, extreme emotions – hope, anxiety, depression, anger, frustration.  These were overwhelming and make me feel hopeless until I started addressing these emotions at their most basic roots.  Perhaps, with a few of the ideas I put down here, you’ll be able to start sorting out – and improving – some of the most troubling emotions you feel in your own relationship.

When I worked in advertising we did a very interesting type of consumer research that tried to get at the underlying reasons why people behave as they do.  This was based on in-depth interviews of specific groups – for example buyers of vitamins or sugar substitutes.  The researcher would dig deeper and deeper into why a person acted as they did.  The reason for doing the research was to be able to motivate people to purchase products based upon their most deep-seated emotions by having the advertising express those emotions (or the solutions to the problems these emotions created).  On the cynical side of things, you run into this in every woman’s magazine in the form of “want to be loved?  Be thin!” and the men’s version “want to be loved?  Be buff (or rich)”.  More seriously, finding the roots of emotional issues is what therapy (and advertising) is all about.  You want to get at the root of your own emotions so that you can be the one who figures out solutions that address your real, deepest emotions.

I’m going to call the underlying tangle of emotions you’re trying to get at “rootballs” here (I like the visual imagery of that!) and hope that if you and your spouse can find and compare rootballs on thorny issues you may be able to approach some of dissention in your relationship from new, more insightful, angles.

Here’s a simple example of finding a rootball:  you feel resentful because your spouse never does chores around the house.  If you dig deeper one level, you might find that part of your resentment is that he used to do chores when you were just living together but stopped after you got married and that feels unfair…(no, that’s not really it…dig deeper)…you don’t like the uncertainty of his saying he’ll do them, then never doing them, (true, but it’s not the most basic issue...dig deeper)…you don’t like that it makes you feel like his mother to constantly follow up after him…(closer…dig deeper)…when you remind him, he retreats and that makes you feel like he doesn’t like being with you…(closer…dig deeper)…you feel intense pressure from the logistics of running a household alone because he isn’t helping…(also true…dig deeper)…you feel alone…(yes – can you go deeper?)…you feel that his unwillingness to help out and leaves you alone is a sign that he doesn’t love you.

And there it is – the gnarly, messy rootball…the simple problem is that the chores don’t get done.  The hidden issue is that you fear it means that your spouse doesn’t love you (for if he did, he would take on his share of the responsibilities…or so the logic goes.  The reality is most likely much different!)

This same example could have had a different rootball…for example, one that ended up with the concept that your spouse’s not doing chores around the house makes you afraid that you will have more responsibility than you can handle because your spouse is reliably unreliable…and you’re afraid that you won’t be able to take on that much (i.e. that you are unsure of your abilities and/or feeling insecure).

So what do you do with a rootball once you’ve dug it up?

  1. Ask yourself – is this REAL?  Is it true that my husband doesn’t love me or that I can’t handle the responsibility?  Chances are that your fears are outsized.  And just recognizing your deeper feelings helps you deal with them.
  2. Figure out – what am I going to do to make the tree growing out of this rootball healthy?  In my case, I went to my husband and told him that his lack of responsibility around the house seemed symbolic that he didn’t love me.  He insisted that he did, which helped, but I insisted that it was important for him to find a chore that was absolutely, positively and symbolically his – preferably one I hated.  After some lengthy conversations about whether "symbolic mattered", he chose doing the dishes and unloading the dishwasher.  Symbols really do matter much of the time, else we wouldn't make such a big deal out of wedding rings.  Sometimes they really do illustrate something.  For me, a ring was great, but the dishes were at least as good - better really -because it was an every day action that showed he respected and loved me – over and over again.  (There was more to this rootball which I won’t go into here, which had to do with not spending enough time together also suggesting to me that he didn’t love me…which we also eventually addressed by both of us modifying our behavior and expectations.)
  3. Don’t let yourself fall back into old patterns.  Once George had agreed to do the dishes, it was HIS.  When the dishes didn’t get done, I left them there.  (Now that the pattern is fully established I do, sometimes, do the dishes for him as a favor.)

Rootballs are also important in conversations.  Next time I’ll write about using them as the basis for positive conversations and about the work that William Ury (Co-author of “Getting to Yes”) has done with his ideas around “The Power of a Positive No”.

Comments

Looking within is important but I'm desparate for real change

by Anonymous - 02/13/2008 - 13:06

Just today a friend of mine (who knows how much I struggle with my marriage) forwarded me the link to this web site. Until looking at some of these articles and their feedback, I had no idea how many other people were dealing with the same types of problems I was having in my marriage. Having said that, I understand that it is important to take responsiblity myself and look within to find the root of my emotion or the "rootball" but even if I can come to terms with feeling unloved and unhappy with how my husband treats me how is that going to really change the relationship rather than just the way I look at it? I've been married for almost 15 years now and have truly been struggling for a long time to get my husband to appreciate me more, communicate more effectively, and most importantly control his consistent impulses and anger. For many years I thought that it was simply due to his upbringing. He grew up in a very old fashioned, traditional household (where the man of the house was in charge and all important). Later I came to see that my husband had some real issues with his family - feeling unimportant and less than equal to his siblings, feeling underappreciated and like a failure - always trying to prove himself worthy. Unfortunately, this ultimately manifested itself with anger, frustration and what appeared to be disdain. Over the years, we've gone many times to couples therapy trying to get to the "rootball." However, we have forever been caught in an endless cycle of him behaving badly (of course I'm in the role of mother here and he's the bad little boy) until the inevitable blow up - my pushing back and then his futile attempts to make good for a short while (seemingly still not understanding what he'd done) until we start all over again. In the past, he had been disagnosed with anxiety and depression and had been put on some medication. It seemed to help a bit for a short while but still many of the problems persisted and I began to feel more and more desperate and cheated in our relationship. We have a five year old son, who has some issues we've been trying to work with since he was nearly three. Originally, we were looking at Asperger's Syndrome and then after consulting further with a child physcologist it appears that in addition to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that he has ADHD. Anyway, that's the current assumption (as it's difficult to fully diagnose young children). What has become clear to me in the past six months since we've been seeing this child physcolgist is that my husband also has ADHD. The doctor has even shared her opinion that she believes this as well. She has informed my husband his undiagnosed and untreated ADHD could have manifested itself in his anxiety, depressive and mood disorders and that he should find a doctor who can diagnose him and that he potentially put him on the right kind of medicine. However, my husband seems to be in denial. I suppose it could be because he would feel responsible for my son's condition if he finds out that he does indeed have ADHD. Notheless, my stuggle to deal with my impulsive and hyperactive son (who also focuses on a variety of habits and rituals - his OCD) has made my dealings with my husband even more difficult because my husband doesn't have patience for my son and consistently blows up, yells and screams due to his lack of control over the situation. This of course, makes my son more anxious. I'm sure you can just imagine what the bedtime routine looks like in our house. Having said that, I feel not only like I'm dealing with one troubled child but two. He not only doesn't help with my son (or much else around the house) but he generally worsens the situation and makes my job more difficult. I feel that I am the giver and he is always the taker. My cookie jar is now empty and all I have left to give is in reserve for my children. I feel great resentment toward my husband and feel hopeless that I'll never have a fulfilling, adult relationship as long as I stay in this marriage. So, I understand that it's important for me to also take responsiblity and to look within but how many times can one person be kicked in the face? Even though I do believe my husband really does love me and at many times can't control his actions and/or reactions, I still feel lonely and abused in this relationship and I just don't know how much more I can take. What should I do? Kathryn

Looking for Real Change

by MelissaOrlov - 02/14/2008 - 12:21

First, let me tell you that your comment shows great thoughtfulness about your situation and how difficult it is.  While thoughtfulness doesn't lessen your pain, it does bode well for possibly making it to a better place with your husband.

I am not a doctor, but do know that if you have a child diagnosed with ADHD, the chances that one or the other parent has it are close to 70%.  Your description of your husband suggests that an evaluation might turn up a positive diagnosis.

There seem to be two immediate reactions to the suggestion that an adult has undiagnosed ADD.  The first is complete relief that there is finally a name for what has been a long list of issues you've had in your life.  The other is complete denial.

In the second case, I think the denial comes because the person thinks that they will be blamed for many serious issues or asked to change who they inherently are.  There is a fear that yet more people whom they love think that they are "broken".  You seem to already be sensitive to this issue, at least at the intellectual level, but seem to be having trouble figuring out how to deal with it at the emotional level.

It is the stigma that is attached to the traits of ADHD that is the issue when your husband thinks about being blamed for your son's issues - and for the issues in your marriage.  He doesn't worry about whether he's responsible for the color of your son's hair or eyes, does he?  The stigma comes from his past experiences (growing up with undiagnosed ADD is a very hard experience for most) and from society at large.  It may be easier for you to have empathy for your son's issues (easy to do as a mother) but, like many, have less empathy for your husband's.  (I know that for many years I was angry at my husband's inability to "hold up his end of the bargain" as an adult.  My anger had three results - he retreated, we both got increasingly angry and resentful about our relationship, and I turned into a nasty nag.)  Just as your husband does, my husband often seemingly thwarted my attempts to control things with my kids, perhaps to demonstrate that he could...just the way a teenager might.  We also had different approaches to childhood rules (his less stringent than mine) which I didn't appreciate fully for quite a while.

When my husband was first diagnosed with ADD (after my daughter's doctor suggested he might have it) he read "Driven to Distraction" and was able to see himself in its pages, so he did go for the evaluation.  But then he didn't want to do anything with the evaluation.  He claimed that our marital problems came from me and the fact that I was always trying to control him.  When I asked him to take medication for his ADD he said "I LIKE myself!  You're the one with the problem with me...so fix your problem, don't ask me to take medications and change who I am!"  It took quite a while for both of us to come to the understanding that the right ADD medication doesn't change who a person is - just helps them control things like distractibility that are getting in their way (the wrong medication, on the other hand, can have some real issues, which is why so many need to experiment to find one that helps without side effects.) 

The fear that a person with ADD feels when someone they love asks them to deal with their ADD is very real - and not unfounded.  It takes a long time for BOTH partners to separate the ADD symptoms from the person with ADD.  My husband was right - my reaction to his ADD symptoms - and to what motives I was attributing his actions (defiance, laziness, lack of love) was definitely part of our problem.  I was also right.  His ADD symptoms - particularly flashes of anger and lack of focus - were hurting our relationship.  It is not until we came together as partners to address symptoms that we were able to unravel this complex dynamic.

So, the first step to addressing your pain is to genuinely separate the symptoms from the man.  You both need to do this, not just you.  Ned's books can help (try both Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction) because they provide a lot of upbeat information and ideas about dealing with symptoms.  One of the things that helped me was taking a serious look at why and how I was treating my daughter's struggles with ADD differently from how I was treating my husband's.  With my daughter I was supporting her by helping her learn the skills she needed to overcome her symptoms and expending the large amounts of energy needed to remain patient and caring.  With my husband I was demanding that he have these skills already, and when he demonstrated that he didn't have them, punishing him for being inadequate.  As I learned more about ADD I realized that this was unfair.  I also determined that my behavior was driving him to a place where he not only didn't care to try, but felt that he could never be good enough for me, even if he did try (so why bother?).  His expectation that I would respond negatively to him (which I most often did) completely demotivated him and poisoned all aspects of our relationship.

You can get out of this pattern.  I suggest that you take a look at some of my blog posts about various ways to approach this (though the general outline is often the same, the details are different for each couple).  Some particularly relevant posts are here and here.

Though it may feel as if it is yet one more burden that you have to bear, a real turning point can be forgiving your husband for your joint past together, and trying to move forward.  Try to set yourself some small, more reachable goals - First, finding the strength in yourself to forgive both of you for where you are now (accepting it and thinking forward rather than backwards) and second, creating an environment in which he can learn that HE is not his ADD symptoms.  Treating his symptoms will allow him to bring out the most wonderful parts of himself and put aside the symptoms that are initiating the havoc in your relationship.  You might try asking him to read about ADD just to learn about how it affects your son and trust that he'll see himself in it, too.  (Note - in order to create this environment, you need to make it safe for him to experiment a bit.)

Good luck with your efforts, and let us know how you are doing.

Melissa Orlov

Melissa Orlov

How do I fight his denial?

by Anonymous - 02/15/2008 - 10:27

Thank you so much for your comments and the links to those two articles. I did find all of it helpful and did find a bit more hope in hearing that you and your husband made it thru a very difficult time even when things seemed bleak. However, it sounds as if that didn't happen until he was willing to take some responsiblity and get involved in learning about ADHD? I found your advice about separating the person from the symptons especially helpful but we're not talking about leaving the door open regularly or being forgetful or under focused here - I would have to say (as have many of my friends and relatives) that my husband can be mentally abusive to me. He has a lot of anger and inconsideration which has taken a real toll on me over the years. Although he has been know to jump in the car and just leave to go do a quick errand without even thinking to mention it to me and has trouble helping with much of anything around the house, the type of behavior which I simply can no longer tolerate is his constant yelling and anger, which over the past year or so he has also been showcasing in a very clear way to our children. I'm becoming worried about the type of individuals they are going to grow up to be and find that they are also learning to be disrespectful because of the model that's being set for them. Additionally, I find myself often depressed and overwhelmed with my life (not to mention the chest pains I've been having) and my doctor is now recommending me anti-anxiety medication so I can cope. As a matter of fact, in the past, one of our therapists called me his "prozac" because it had become my job to monitor and control his moods. I was starting to feel like I was walking on eggshells and I had to constantly quiet and calm the kids before he lost his mind. It's just not fair that his inability to function as a responsible adult (for whatever reason) should drive me to now need mediation. So, I know I have to try and forgive and let go of the past, although evey time I do (and I have tried before) it seems to come back full circle on me. We have already been separated once (about two years ago) and we were able to work things out for a while, but we always seem to end up right back where we started. How do I make him take responsiblity for his behavior (or symptoms) and acknowledge that he is ADHD and needs to change medicines? In the last day or so I've tried to ask him how he feels about it but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it (no surprise there) and says that he doesn't want to change medicines. I almost want to sit him down at the computer and show him some of these articles including the response I sent recently, which outlines my feelings but I'm concerned that he'll be angry and just push away further. What should I do to get him on board so I'm not fighting this fight alone?

Don't Fight His Denial

by MelissaOrlov - 02/15/2008 - 15:17

Perhaps changing your approach would work here.  The problem isn't that he is in denial about ADHD.  The problem is that you and he are not creating a viable marriage.  It does not matter whether he changes his medications - what matters is that he addresses the issues that are making you both miserable.  Medication is only one way to address the issues.

You have already been separated once.  That was enough of a shake up, apparently, for him to manage his behavior in a way that encouraged you to come back.  He seems to be able to focus on this, at least temporarily, when he feels it's absolutely necessary.

You have been collecting tools that might help him  see that his anger is an issue for your relationship.  You can offer those to him, but don't try to force them on him - you'll just create more anger and resentment.

What is his motivation for staying married?  Or for getting back together with you after the separation?  Is there a way to use that motivation to help him see what he has to lose if you don't make it as a couple?

As you are starting to have physical as well as mental health issues, it's probably time to tell him that you don't care what his motivation or reasons are, but you can't live with him this way.  You have no personal stake in what solution he may find to the issues - only that a solution is found.  You are delighted to help in any way that seems reasonable and safe, and welcome his input and ideas.  You should also promise to take comments that he makes about your own behavior in good faith to heart and work on them.  Men, in general, like to find solutions more than they like to discuss things...so let him.  Also, note that it would be fair for you to position this as your issue (which it is) or as your joint issue (which it is, since you are part of the partnership) but you will do yourself a disservice if you position this as his issue.  It is only his issue insomuch as your unhappiness will eventually lead to the dissolution of your marriage if a better arrangement isn't found.

Let me delve into that a bit further, as that may sound strange or harsh to you.  The reason I say that it isn't his issue isn't because he's an angel here.  Rather, it's because it isn't his issue until he owns it.  You can't make it his issue - only he can.  (Theoretically, there may be some woman out there who loves his anger and wouldn't have a problem with it at all...you just aren't she.)  One of the things that finally did get through to my husband when he was in denial was when I said (in a number of different ways) "Look, you're right - I have an issue here - I am miserably unhappy.  But as long as I am miserably unhappy and living in the same house with you, you also have a problem.  Wouldn't you rather have me be happy?  Wouldn't you have a better life if I were?"  (The obvious answer to this is yes - but you have to make yourself happy...to which I answered "yes, I admit I am responsible for my own happiness, BUT the things that are making me unhappy are all tied up in YOU, so I need to have your help and assistance.  You said you would "take care of me" when we got married.  I need you to take care of me now.")

As you move forward, you need to jointly set rules for your marital conversation - and those that follow - and then stick to the rules.  For me, those rules would include:  no bashing the kids or involving them in your disagreements; no name calling; every possible attempt to use a civil tone of voice; a willingness to take a "time out" from any conversation when EITHER spouse calls for one - no questions asked.

Again, along the lines of striving for joint ownership, set these rules with your husband.  You can't set rules for him - he has to "own" them.

I don't know if this helps or not.  Again, move the conversation away from ADD and towards finding some sort of marital harmony.  Let him be responsible for his share of finding the solution.  If he can't -or won't - do it, you may not be able to stay married.

Melissa Orlov

Melissa Orlov

Thanks for the advice

by Anonymous - 02/15/2008 - 17:47

Thanks so much for your advice and sharing your own experiences with me. It does greatly help to know that I'm not the only one in this type of predicament, living this type of life. It also is nice to hear that you and your husband were able to work things out. Today I feel as though I would like to as well. What tomorrow will bring I can't say. Anyway, everything you stated makes perfect sense and I do plan to give it one more good try (for all of our sakes), however, you mentioned marital conversation. We don't have much of that and I'm not quite sure how to outline or suggest those rules you mentioned (which are all dead on) without him feeling defensive. I'm also not convinced that even if the rules were outlined that he could follow them. Much of the time his outbursts seem to be out of his control. What would you suggest? How do I engage him to want to be responsible for his share of finding the solution? Is there anything more I can do aside from trying to let go of my resentment and my guard (a tough one for me) and taking the focus of him and suggesting that it's my problem and I'm miserable?

More questions - still desperate

by Kathryn - 02/16/2008 - 13:41

Melissa, Me again. I'm sorry I wasn't able to wait to get your response from my last email before writing again so soon but since I have found this site (and the possibility of help or at least gaining perspective on my marriage) I haven't been able to stay off and I seem to keep going back to your advice to make sure I really understand what my next steps should be. I still am curious to get your feedback on my last questions but I guess one statement you made (which I didn't address in my last comment) is still haunting me. You mentioned if he"can't or won't...you may not want to stay married." Does it seem to you from my story that he's likely to continue on in his ways or that I might be better off letting go finally? I'm just so nervous to allow him back in each time when he continues to do the same types of things over and over and over again. I really do feel cheated in the relationship and feel like he got the better end of the bargain. I feel like most any other person would be thankful and appreciative to have a spouse like me. I'm not trying to brag here but I think I'm a good mother, I keep a good house (handling all chores, shopping, bill paying, etc.), while also trying to run my own freelance business out of the house to contribute financially - which is expected, as my husband has a seasonal job. Additionally, I have always kept very fit. Most recently I find that running and biking have become my salvation and the only thing that I have for myself. I should mention that my husband almost seems to expect me to keep fit, as he is somewhat vain and he has made it clear that he feels it's important for women to keep in shape as they get older ( I just turned 40 this year - UGH!). My friends keep telling me that I'm to good for him and that I'm a smart, attractive women who still has a chance of finding someone who could appreciate what I have to offer. I honestly have to say I feel a bit tempted by the possibility of finding someone new who really could appreciate me and provide me with more support and stability and possibly some passion (and I'm not talking about more yelling here). I'm just not sure (after years of taking his brand of abuse) how I feel about him anymore. However, I'm so worried about how this all could and will affect my kids who are still quite young. Any additional advice or perspective you might have to offer would be helpful.

More questions - still desperate

by Kathryn - 02/16/2008 - 13:42

Melissa, Me again. I'm sorry I wasn't able to wait to get your response from my last email before writing again so soon but since I have found this site (and the possibility of help or at least gaining perspective on my marriage) I haven't been able to stay off and I seem to keep going back to your advice to make sure I really understand what my next steps should be. I still am curious to get your feedback on my last questions but I guess one statement you made (which I didn't address in my last comment) is still haunting me. You mentioned if he"can't or won't...you may not want to stay married." Does it seem to you from my story that he's likely to continue on in his ways or that I might be better off letting go finally? I'm just so nervous to allow him back in each time when he continues to do the same types of things over and over and over again. I really do feel cheated in the relationship and feel like he got the better end of the bargain. I feel like most any other person would be thankful and appreciative to have a spouse like me. I'm not trying to brag here but I think I'm a good mother, I keep a good house (handling all chores, shopping, bill paying, etc.), while also trying to run my own freelance business out of the house to contribute financially - which is expected, as my husband has a seasonal job. Additionally, I have always kept very fit. Most recently I find that running and biking have become my salvation and the only thing that I have for myself. I should mention that my husband almost seems to expect me to keep fit, as he is somewhat vain and he has made it clear that he feels it's important for women to keep in shape as they get older ( I just turned 40 this year - UGH!). My friends keep telling me that I'm to good for him and that I'm a smart, attractive women who still has a chance of finding someone who could appreciate what I have to offer. I honestly have to say I feel a bit tempted by the possibility of finding someone new who really could appreciate me and provide me with more support and stability and possibly some passion (and I'm not talking about more yelling here). I'm just not sure (after years of taking his brand of abuse) how I feel about him anymore. However, I'm so worried about how this all could and will affect my kids who are still quite young. Any additional advice or perspective you might have to offer would be helpful.

your kids

by MelissaOrlov - 02/18/2008 - 16:42

I am a big believer that having kids does change the rules when it comes to deciding whether or not you abandon a marriage and start fresh.  I personally think that you have a responsibility to them to make sure you have exhausted your options before you move on.

That said, I also believe that kids are happiest in a happy household.  Living in a household mired in unhappiness is not healthy for anyone.

So my philosophy is to work hard, but be willing to cut the line when the time seems right.  I also chose to be very open with my kids about the fact that my husband and I were struggling.  They know it, anyway, and that way they don't suddenly have the rug ripped out from underneath them if things fail.  Be careful to balance "we're having difficulties" with "we're working on fixing our issues" and to never try to ask the kids to side with one or the other of you (so no "your father is so annoying" comments!)

While your friends have your best interests at heart, wouldn't it be more helpful if they said "follow your heart - relationships are complex" rather than "you have a chance of finding someone if you leave now"?  For one thing, if you are a nice person you will find someone else no matter when you leave the relationship (if you do) AND you will be doing it on your own terms, knowing you did all that you could do in your marriage, first.

Your husband is doing the same things over and over again because that is what people with ADHD do before they figure out how to manage their ADHD.  It doesn't mean that he's a hopeless husband.  It means that he has spent his life spinning his wheels and he doesn't know how to do anything else.  We without ADD take many things for granted - how to keep ourselves organized, how to manage relationships, how to read emotional cues (to name a few) because we learned those things when we were younger.  Folks with ADD don't tend to learn those things because they are too unfocused to do so (you only have to hear your child tell you she has no idea whether or not she has homework - even though she was in all of her classes - to understand just how all encompassingly different it is to live your life with ADD.  Did you ever not KNOW whether or not you had homework?!)

Treatment for ADD starts with accepting you have it, then figuring out what will help you focus enough to start managing it, then learning all those skills.  It takes time and effort and, hopefully, support from a loving spouse or parent.  For the adult there are additional problems heaped upon the ADD person because others expect adults to already have mastered the skills they are missing (unlike kids, who are only expected to be willing to learn them).

It sounds as if you have lots to offer your husband and it also sounds as if you are still in a "let's work this out" mode.  It's great that you are smart and attractive and willing to take control of your life with the exercise and looking for answers.  You'll still be that same smart, attractive woman a year or two from now.  You want to make sure that you stay long enough to fully understand whether or not there is hope.  You also want to make sure you don't stay so long that you stay out of desperation or that you somehow hurt the kids.  I think you'll know when you reach the tipping point.  In the meantime, remember that having kids means that you will always have a relationship with this man - married or not.  Whatever you build today - and however you act towards him or yourself - will be part of that relationship in the future.  Burning bridges isn't a great idea. 

And towards that end, I just posted a blog about understanding the limits of your control over a spouse.  You may want to take a look. 

Good luck, and let us know how it's going.

Melissa Orlov

Melissa Orlov

As a person (male) just

by Anonymous - 02/18/2008 - 11:53

As a person (male) just finding out all of this myself, the best thing you can do is just as you stated. Stick him in front of the computer and let him see it. I also strongly suggest you politely yet forcibly have him read "Delivered from Distraction". After several years of reading up on ADD/ADHD, this book puts it in a way that an individual can finally recognize in themselves what is happening, in a non threatening or belittleing fashion, which is crucial. it is also makes us realize, what you, as a partner have been telling (but as an antagonistic block) us, is true. When we are told by you(spouse/partner) it has a completely different interpretation or perception, apposed to finding out for ourselves, with your guidence. just for haha's, also try this reward option. this came from the book, Delivered from Distraction. When his anger or defenses are up, ask him to do a simple task that he can do very quickly and successfully, or ask him about something that he knows positively, then reward him with a small dish of icecream. he must do something positive to earn the reward, so this does get tricky. the simpler and the easier, the better, and the faster the outcome. The purpose of the icecream, according to my interpretation from Dr Hollowell, is it increases the dopemine in the brain, which almost emediately creates a calming effect, and reduces the anger and possibly shifts the mood to a more positive one. it also helps to focus. i;ve tried this experiment on both myself, and my daughter, with some success.while he is in a milder disposition, would be a good time to have him brouse the web information you would like him to see. and finally, I had to get some icecream just to sit down long enough to type this email to you, and stay focused long enough to get the complete thought out before I lost it all. ps.... if he has any interest in a computer, push it to the fullest. the computer is a fabulous tool to help with organization and focus.

Thanks for the tips

by Anonymous - 02/25/2008 - 10:19

Just wanted to drop a note back to say thanks for your suggestions. I'll keep the ice cream tip in mind - although my husband is very health conscious and doesn't usually induldge. Also, I have heard good things about Driven to Distraction and plan on picking it up this week. One questions though - you really think popping him in front of the computer to see this site and learn more about ADHD would feel like I was forcing him? Thanks again for taking the time to offer me your perspective.

great insight

by Anonymous - 03/14/2008 - 22:02

Your comments show tremendous insight. I'm an ADD spouse and I wish I could get my wife to embrace this kind of thinking. We've been married for 21+ years, and she is pretty much out of patience with me. We're in couples counseling right now, but it's not going well. Our discussions are mostly about the changes I have to make and her frustrations with my failure to sustain focus on them. It seems very one-sided--I can't seem to get her to the table as a partner, and without that, my emotional well is running dry. I can't emphasize how important it would be to me if she could provide the kind of understanding and empathy that you write about in your post. How do you help someone to get there when they have already shut down??

help me win my husband back

by Anonymous - 01/25/2009 - 16:49

I have been with my husband for almost 14 years and we have 2 lovely children together. My husband is a functioning alcoholic but has never been violent or abusive towards me. In fact he is probably the nicest person I have met in my life. After reading up on alcoholism, I have realised that my husband may possibly have ADD. He is very forgetful, and never remembers to do anything he has promised to do. He has a low attention span and gets bored very easily. He is unable to communicate and he has ignored me for years making me feel unappreciated, unloved and very very lonely. After a few personal problems that I experienced in my life i.e my mum developed Dementia and I had to look after her for 2 years before she eventually went into a care home (this was as well as working, looking after our 2 children and basically doing everything) and not receiving any support whatsoever from my husband emotionally or physically, I very quickly became depressed and was put on medication. Although the medication did help a little, I was still suffering the chaos around me and still not receiving any support from anyone. I started drinking alcohol myself at this point. It started as just the odd can of beer now and again after the children went to bed and it progressed to up to 2 bottles of wine at night starting whilst making the tea. In my 'drunken stupors' I have been both verbally and physically abusive to my husband (this has been going on for about 5 years) and he has had to put up with a lot from me in that sense. I recently found out that he has been having an affair with a collegue from work which has absolutely devasted me. He told me the only reason he had the affair was because I was so abusive and violent towards him and he ended up crying on this other womans shoulder for support and things progressed from there. He told me he had no real feelings for this other woman but felt she had been helping him through a difficult time and that she was very undertanding and a nice person. He also told me that he feels I am a nsaty and evil person with the things I have done to him. He said he had finished the affair and wanted to work on our marriage to which I agreed. We both agreed to go for marriage guidance counselling and we tried to get on with things as best as we could but we were both still drinking heavily and yet again in my drunken stupors I began to throw more verbal abuse towards him for having an affair and breaking my heart (the physical abuse stopped). I then found out that he had continued his affair with this woman and we are now separated. He has told me that although he still loves me he is going to continue his relationship with his girlfriend as she is good for him and I am not. He is refusing any sort of counselling to help save our marriage and will not seek help for his alcoholism. I have recently tried to take my own life over all this (thank god I am still here) and I was hospitalised for a few days. I have attended an Al-anon meeting and will continue to do so and I will be attending counselling and anger management classes in the very near future and I have completely stopped drinking alcohol (I have been told I am not an alcoholic but that I was self medicating). I have apoligised to my husband for everything I have put him through but he refuses to take any responsibility for his own part in this. He ignores me and treats me with contempt. I know I have to get on with life without him but am finding it so difficult. I am so in love with him and really want him back in my life and am prepared to do anything to get things back on track. I know with help we could both have a wonderful future together but he doesn't feel the same. Incidently he drinks at least a bottle of vodka every day when working, more at weekends and I am worried for his health. Any advice would be gratefully received.

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