We dated for one and half year. My boyfriend (actually ex-boyfriend now) told me he had ADHD in the first a couple of months we started dating. He is sweet, respectful and thoughtful most of time. He has a good job and works hard. But the same as other ADDers, he is not very patient and easy to get irritated. He is forgetful and has a lot of sporadic thoughts. Though I got frustrated with this relationship sometimes, I try not to take his acts personally, and try to communicate. I would say I enjoyed most of time with him.
However, he recently broke me up. He said he didn't feel the relationship would work, and refused to communicate with me. It was heartbreaking. And it was the third time! In the previous times, he did similar things: he couldn't really give a reason, didn't listen to me and just felt the relationship didn't work. He broke me up right away and couldn't wait to tell all the friends around we were done. But after a couple of weeks, he regretted, and apologized and hoped we could rebuild the trust. I still loved him, and I didn't feel there were big problems between us. So I went back to him. But the recent breakup was the third time! Now two weeks passed. He starts to text me and tries to find excuses to see me again. I'm afraid he would want me back soon. What should I do? I still love him, and enjoyed most of time with him. I'm okay with most of his ADD symptoms. I could tell he cares about me. But sometimes he doesn't know his own thingking and changes his mind fast. I'm afraid if I go back with him, he'll one day dump me again.
I'm sorry to hear this. It
Submitted by copingSAH on
I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like he is immature about the relationship. Three times breaking up in 1.5 years is more than enough times to know that he is very impulsive (which can be one aspect of ADHD). You might expect to have this kind of impulsivity throughout your lives together so think carefully whether you can deal with this kind of roller coaster. It will wear you down to nothing if he is that impulsive with this relationship.
He does not seem to realize how he hurts you, and it seems to be all about him and his choices. So there will probably be many impulsive decisions made without you, and perhaps a lot more times he walks out and comes back, until you can't take it anymore. I think you should not get back so soon. You need to date other people and see that there are so many other guys who will respect and treat you well and not behave so flippantly about relationships. You are single, this is the time to make sure it's the right guy, not when you're already married to someone who keeps wanting to break up.
Incidentally, my ADD dh and I have been together over 20 years... he has never broken up or called it quits. If he did, I probably would not have given him any more chances after the second break up.... I would not want to feel like I'm expendable.
Thank you!
Submitted by shmm on
Thank you very much for your reply! You are right. It is better to cut it off now than to regret after I get married. He told me he had not been successful with his relationship. He had 3 girlfriends before me, but none of the relationship lasted longer than 6 months. Ours was the longest, so he took it very seriously, though it didn't stop him breaking me up.
I felt hurt and confused after the breakup. But I should move on. I appreciate your comments. It helps me a lot.
Thank you!
Submitted by shmm on
Thank you so much for your reply. You are right. ADHD is not always the excuse he doesn’t treat me well. I wish he could be more empathetic. I care about him a lot, but he already takes it for granted. It may be hard for me to forget about him completely right now, but I’ll try and get through it as soon as I can.