Hi, this is my first post.
I came across the book while looking for books in my local public library on getting the romance back in your marriage. I have been married 12 years, and with my wife for 3 years before that. We have 2 daughters, and after the birth of our 2nd daughter, my wife had bad menstual cycles. Our family doctor suggested that she go back on birth control, and that might help with her bad cycles. After going back on birth control, her lungs filled with blood clots, and she was told that if she got pregnant she would likely have more. Enter her fear of sex. I went to see a doctor about a vasectomy, and was given a price that I could not afford. After some time, I went to another doctor, who billed it to my health care through the province. It took 5 years before we had sex again, and on the 3rd time, I had a stroke immediately afterward. Understandably, she was very scared, but I am on the mend and have been given the green light to go ahead and be sexually active. That was months ago. It should be no surprise that I was hoping to get the romance back in our relationship.
When I saw the book come up in the search results, I put a hold on it immediately. I had just been diagnosed with ADD at 42. When I started reading the book, it was like an awakening. So much of what I read in the book was also true in our lives. My wife has been very angry, and I can't seem to "get with it." Lately she is angry more than she is anything else. Household chores go undone, and tension builds. I know I resent her for over 5 years without an intimacy, and my therapist suggested that she get counselling to deal with her anxiety but she seems to refuse.
When my wife gets angry, it is like getting hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. She is a great woman, and I fear that I have pushed her to this. I feel like I can do no right, that I am a horrible spouse. I try to do the housework, and it's hard, and when I'm done work, I'm beat. My job is very physical, and I wish I could do better. I know that she feels that I get to have all the fun, and she has all the crummy jobs, but I also feel like I'm livintg with a roommate. There is absolutely no intimacy in our relationship, I dread her being angry, and I don't see how to improve it.
Do you & W both work full-time
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Do you both work full time? When you say chores go undone, do you mean the chores that YOU are supposed to do? What about the chores that your W is supposed to do? Do those get done?
Who is supposed to do the undone chores?
Are the kids old enough to help with chores?
Sorry to hear about the stroke. Glad to hear that you've recovered. I think you both need to go into couples counseling.
How are you a loving spouse? Please list 5 things that you do that a woman would think is being a loving husband. And how often you do each of those things. :)
Reply
Submitted by Record Store Cowboy on
Do you both work full time?
I work full time, and do odd jobs as an auto detailer, a very physical job tha leave me exhausted and I also detail cars on the side. She works part time during the school year.
When you say chores go undone, do you mean the chores that YOU are supposed to do?
Chores we both should do, but I am very forgetful and often forget tasks I should be doing.
What about the chores that your W is supposed to do? Do those get done?
They do, but her time is also pretty in demand. So, we often end up exhausted at the end of the day.
Who is supposed to do the undone chores?
Both of us, but I forget a lot as I said before. Right now, it's pretty tough for the both of us to do so.
Are the kids old enough to help with chores?
They help from time to tim, but they are both going through a time when they fight a lot.
Sorry to hear about the stroke. Glad to hear that you've recovered. I think you both need to go into couples counseling.
I agree, she is hesitant to go. I think she fears it is like a failure for us.
How are you a loving spouse? Please list 5 things that you do that a woman would think is being a loving husband. And how often you do each of those things. :)
5 things? I'm not sure what counts, but I will say that I still have a crush on her and all of what has happened aside, I still get excited to see her.
Hm, I do tell her I love her and how smart and beautiful and what a wonderful mum and wife she is. I let her sleep in when I have a day off (I work every other Saturday), and let her wake up to breakfast (a real one, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns), I happily do every gross chore, I will run her a bath and light candles and leave a cold drink for her, I get her books I know she likes from the library, I found the recipe for the stew her dad who passed away makes and make it for her, when she's feeling run down, I know to bring in take out, I make her craving meals when she has PMS, I make sure her car is always clean (I'm a professional auto detailer), I keep adding shirts she loves with skulls and flames to her awesome wardrobe, I'm a hugger, I could hug all day,I take genuine concern with her problems.
I love her and I want to improve for her. I was really overwhelmed last night. When she gets angry, I take it very hard, she got mad and moved on, I can take days to rebound. I am also diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I was abused as a child, some memories which my mind has erased.
I wish I could get her into counseling, I know it would help her. I just want us to be more like we used to be. I'm going to try to schedule regular dates, maybe that will help.
Sorry to hear that you have PTSD from child abuse, my h does too
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm glad to hear that you were Dx'd with PTSD from child abuse. My h's therapist wants to insist that the only people with PTSD are those from war zones, but it's true that children subjected to raging, scary, abusive parents also suffer.
>>>
How are you a loving spouse? Please list 5 things that you do that a woman would think is being a loving husband. And how often you do each of those things. :)
5 things? I'm not sure what counts, but I will say that I still have a crush on her and all of what has happened aside, I still get excited to see her.
Hm, I do tell her I love her and how smart and beautiful and what a wonderful mum and wife she is. I let her sleep in when I have a day off (I work every other Saturday), and let her wake up to breakfast (a real one, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns), I happily do every gross chore, I will run her a bath and light candles and leave a cold drink for her, I get her books I know she likes from the library, I found the recipe for the stew her dad who passed away makes and make it for her, when she's feeling run down, I know to bring in take out, I make her craving meals when she has PMS, I make sure her car is always clean (I'm a professional auto detailer), I keep adding shirts she loves with skulls and flames to her awesome wardrobe, I'm a hugger, I could hug all day,I take genuine concern with her problems.
>>>>>
Oh good. You were able to mention several things. You'd be surprised how many spouses can't name very many, and certainly can't name many that they do on a regular basis.
Your wife seems to have given up hope. Is there any chance of planning a sort of "second honeymoon" to revive the relationship? Go someplace that would be relaxing and a place that you'd both really enjoy?
Second honeymoon
Submitted by Record Store Cowboy on
"Your wife seems to have given up hope. Is there any chance of planning a sort of "second honeymoon" to revive the relationship? Go someplace that would be relaxing and a place that you'd both really enjoy?"
You know, I had thought of sending her and a friend on a weekend getaway, but I love this idea.
I am also thinking a regular date night would be ok? It isn't too hokey?
And thank you for understanding the effects of child abuse. I lived many years in shelters.
Some Things That Might Help
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi RSC,
We have some things in common restoring cars, PTSD, and AD(H)D and some child abuse. My child abuse was not so bad that it was erased from my memory but...I did discover through therapy that I did enlist some disassociation as a means to survive (back then). It worked then but is less useful now. If I am stressed or depressed, I have to watch this carefully....it's the times when I will disconnect from other people including my wife. I think this is a tough one for the people you are with to deal with since you aren't really there emotionally when this happens. Not for them at least.....I am painfully aware of how I feel but I'm not much good for anyone else.
I think this is one aspect that is so hard for the people we are with to be around or to count on since it makes us very inconsistent in how and when we engage or connect with people. I think this is the number one reason why my wife gets angry with me since she feels at times that she is always having to wait for me to find the time when I am ready to really be with her not just be in the same room with her. Managing my stress level (and resulting depression) has really helped me stay more consistent and be more available more often than I use to in the past.
I think this is a place that you can focus on for yourself that will help a lot. I definitely noticed at one point, that my moods and my depression were variable dependent on what was going on around me. Being susceptible to other peoples anger is big one for me too. (which is part of the PTSD ) These are all things that you can look at in yourself and do things about so you won't go up and down so much dependent on other people or your own personal situation. Being tied to your wife's moods or anger kind of makes you more like a puppet in that sense. It's not a good feeling and it does nothing for your self esteem or depression. There are things you can do to help this aspect too without disassociating or withdrawing from her in order to do this. Unfortunately....all the ways that you have found alleviate your anxiety and depression in the past (that do work) are more mal adaptive and are also problematic for everyone else who you are around. Finding better ways to replace the old ones I think will really help all of this once you find the ones that will work for you and give it some time to learn them and transition away from the old ones.
If you aren't on meds now.....I strongly suggest you look into them. I was very resistant to doing this myself but it really had the single biggest impact in improving how I felt almost immediately. If you are like me.....trying to do everything yourself and not asking or getting help for some things is definitely a double edged sword.
And as far as your wife is concerned and what might also help you think about if you haven't already. You might be doing a lot of good things as you mentioned and this can only be received as a good thing I think. But again, you sound very much like me in that I only have so much to give at one point in time. Time is the enemy and so is the amount of energy you have to give. If you are used up from everything else.....you can't simply snap your fingers and conjure up more of either. Once I hit the wall....I'm pretty much spent and there's no getting any more until I time to recover. If there is nothing left for your wife in either time or energy....that's a big problem right there. Sometimes quantity is less important than quality and making sure WHAT you are doing is more important than how much especially if what you are doing is not really hitting the mark or what it is that your wife really needs.
Think about it like giving a gift. You can go out and buy the first things that you think that someone will like ( or something you would like so therefore....the other person will like too. Don't DO THAT! lol ) Think in terms of finding the perfect gift that is very personal to her and give it the same thought that you would do in giving someone the same kind of gift. What you like or think would be good has nothing to do with it. Don't use yourself as means to figure this out is what I am saying. Less can be better if you aren't doing this now especially if you feel you are trying as hard as you can (giving a lot of yourself) and not getting anywhere.
Also......it took you a while to get to the place you are in now. It will take as long possibly to get yourself back out. The same applies to her. Even if you are doing the right things in the right ways....it might take a good while of doing this (making the changes and staying at it) before you see her responding to this in any way. She may do nothing different despite what you do until she has the chance to see and feel the changes take hold in herself.
That resentment from no sex is a hard one to get past but you need to let go of that and clean the slate. If you have gone this long....you can go a little more. the problem with patience is that it puts a time limit on the other person that is not of their choosing. If your patience is doing this with you then patience is the problem not your wife? It will only hold you back and keep you from doing this. I think you are going to have to give before you get for a while longer but do it differently. That resentment will only screw with you head and keep you from doing this.
The last thing I have to offer is this. You need to give without expecting anything in return and maybe do this for a while. That means no expectations and no resentment and feeling good about what you are doing for that reason alone without any guarantees you will get anything back from it. that's the leap of faith that will either pay off or it won't but it is what you need to do in order to do any of the things I'm saying but......there will be a payoff for you regardless even if you wife does nothing to respond on her end. I think this is the burden of having ADHD that we have to bear but nothing you put into it will not have some benefit for you in the long run I guarantee it:) I hope this helps?
J
PS the part about taking as long to get back out doesn't mean that you see a turn around (a positive one). My wife and I hit this point and it has dramatically improved in how I feel and how my wife is now responding. Without the anger and even a small positive shift is all it takes sometimes to make a big difference even if it doesn't solve all of your problems over night.
Thank you!
Submitted by Record Store Cowboy on
J, I want to write a reply, but it will take more time. I have read what you wrote and I am so thankful for your words. I cannot say enough how much it means to me, I will be taking your advice!