Nagging

Wow.  I thought I was so anal and out of line with my constant "nagging."  I thought it was an unfair stamp and it made me feel like my mother.  I've read that evil word a few times now and it's all too familiar around my place.

I'm the non ADD 'wife' and he's yet to be diagnosed properly (however that's done) but we both see that all signs are pointing north, so I'm rolling with the new assumption... the current name/title/label in a long line of assumptions including, but not limited to; bipolar, depression, general anxiety, PTSD, procrastination.... who knew there was something that rolled it all into one giant sandwich?  ADD... or add as he's gotten tired of saying A.D.D.

Over the years I've had to back off a lot and bite my tongue a lot.  I get pretty resentful over some things when I have to do them myself to have them done right.  And it's a struggle for me not to scream for the 50th time "Why can't you hang a hand-towel nicely so it'll dry properly??"  But I bet it's a pretty big struggle for him to actually do the vacuuming or clean the bathroom, half-assed though it may be and not up to my hyper-critical standards.  I guess his "I just don't think of it" answer is valid after-all.  When he was drying his hands he was just thinking about what it would be like to own a miniature flying hippo... or whatever it is that adders think about.

Hello.  Yes, I am sarcastic.

Forums: 

mini hippos

:-)  That was so funny and so telling of what we deal with on a daily basis.  My current argument is "why can't you just lock the door as you are going through it instead of waiting until later when the chances of forgetting far outweigh the chance that you will go back and lock the door?"  This is after the umpteenth time that I found the door unlocked (or downright OPEN) upon awakening, coming home from a trip, coming home from the grocery store etc.   I can't control every time he goes through the door-I am not always here to check if the doors are locked.  Its maddening, not to mention how potentially dangerous this is for our family's safety!!!  What the heck are you thinking about as you are walking through the door anyway?  His reply "I am thinking about walking through the door".  

Imagine: "Walking through the door, I am walking though the door.  Here I am walking through the door".

Sigh.

 

locking the door

My husband is completely opposite.  Any time he walk through the door he locks it.  He was a smoker (I suspect he is doing it again) and smoked outside.  He has locked me and the kids out so many times.  We live in a small rural town and don't need to lock the doors all the time, especially when we are inside.

And as far as the towel - my husband hangs the towel he used after his shower on our bedroom door - 4 steps from the bathroom.  I say used because he always forgets to take it back in there the next day so he has to get another one (which he hangs on the bedroom door).  There has been up to 4 or 5 towels hanging on the bedroom door at once.  I wrote a message on the bedroom mirror (dry erase marker) that said to please take your towel in the bathroom with you.  He got mad.  14 years later there are towels still hanging on the door knob.

Door open, walking through...

hahaha! "Open door, walk through" that really is funny! He's thinking in the moment, there is nothing else...

So many times I've found doors left ajar, or unlocked, the garage door open all night, jars with lids only dropped on... okay, now it's like so funny, I forgot to laugh... when we were kids we used to say that. And mini hippos, a viable answer yeah, I guess I could laugh until I cry...

God help us!

Ugh the jar lids!!  How many

Ugh the jar lids!!  How many times can I shake the ketchup/salad dressing/mustard and have it go all over the place?  Or pick up a jar by the top and drop it because the lid wasn't on.  Is this seriously ADD or just me being anal?  Does he need to learn to tighten lids or do I need to learn to check them first?  It seems so nit-picky, doesn't it?  It's such a small simple thing... and yet.... why can't it just be easier?  My mom always talks about how she "trained" my dad.  And I think she's a control freak.  I don't want to be my mom!!  But I don't like the surprise sauce up my arm either.  Anyway, he's got one on me - I always forget to rinse my plate and it drives him nuts.  I don't do it on purpose, I just can't get into the habit.

It is maddening and is only

It is maddening and is only funny for so long, if you know what I mean!  It's almost like they are gradually reverting back to infancy, one day at a time.  I thought I was through with all of that!

mini flying hippos. i bet my

mini flying hippos. i bet my spouse wants one, and has a huge list of possible uses and marketing ideas....in his head anyway. lolol. i know it's not funny for long, but you cracked me up.

'Why can't you ... '

'Why can't you ...' might not be the most effective way to start a nag.

(Also, oops, I just started a related forum topic on nagging before I saw this one. Sorry, shoulda just posted here, even though my issue is separate).

I am an ADDer, and I respond really well to positive feedback and carrots. It started with emptying the dishwasher. Every time I emptied it, I got a big thank you and a kiss. Now I almost always empty the dishwasher as soon as it runs.

Maybe you can say something like (OK this is lame, but), "Look, I know I can't explain to you why this is important to me, but every time I find the towel hung nice and neat, it makes my whole day better. If you can do this, it would be like finding that you've left me a big present."

You don't want to use that on too many things at once or it'll start sounding like a gimmick. But you can NEVER praise too much after it has happened. Imagine the things that are probably hard for your husband, and make a big deal when he does them. (Conversely, when I do something hard and Boyfriend doesn't notice, I get bummed and discouraged. I tried organizing our camping gear, and my only feedback was that he didn't like my system. Now I don't even care whether the tent pegs all end up in the same crate).

Look, I'm very comfortable with undone chores. I don't even notice them! I'm happy to grab clean dishes out of the washer as needed and let the dirties pile up in the sink until I need something cleaned -- then empty and wash. I think my boyfriend knows this. So when I empty the dishwasher promptly, he knows I'm doing it for him.

If your husband EVER hangs up that towel, please realize he might have been very excited and proud and couldn't wait for you to see it. Even if he wasn't expecting praise, the happy reaction might make him look for other ways to be rewarded.

I know some people have written here that they resent having to effusively thank and praise their ADDer for doing a fraction of the work the nonADDer does, but I really think that's bitterness talking -- not love or practicality. If something so easy gets results, why not do it?

My husband can be on cloud 9

My husband can be on cloud 9 simply because I thank him for doing something for me. It is true. A little bit of praise and spoken gratitude goes a very long way in my house.