Need to talk?

So like most here, I need to communicate things to my husband that he just can not hear or process. Like most here he gets defensive, angry, interrupts me and eventually manipulates the whole conversation to go in a direction that better suits him. Like some here I have cried til my eyes hurt, screamed til my throat bleeds, I have lost patches of hair due to stress and now suffer from anxiety.....all in an effort to simply be heard, acknowledged and understood. I often ask myself out loud like the crazy person he has made me out to be...can he hear me?....while he defends and deflects.....am I speaking a different language?......I do feel that banging my head against the wall provides better results than attempting to convey something to my husband sooooo I need to let this out....its as though we are not allowed to express our feelings so I suggest that this thread be a place where we can express ourselves freely! I will now unload my feelings in hopes that being able to complete a sentence or thought might bring some comfort.....I have nothing to lose.........

 

I feel lost, lonely, confused, tired, frustrated.....in one word....defeated. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. I wish I had safe arms of comfort around me. I wish I wasn't always so alone! I wish I could talk without being interrupted or screamed at. I wish I didn't have two days of anxiety before even making an attempt to communicate. I wish I didn't have two hours of anxiety before my husband gets home from work, wondering and worrying what mood he will be in. I wish I wasn't so sad.....I set goals to have a day without tears....then the realization that I am setting such a goal brings me to tears. I feel degraded, dismissed and at times invisible. I often miss the love, attention and affection.....but then when it returns I am too bitter and resentful to accept it or appreciate it so I have just been without. I wish my husband knew how much I hurt. I wish he knew how much it hurts when I am talking to him about something important to me and he falls asleep, or when he just stares at the tv and looks right through me, or when I am expressing a feeling and he just blurts out hey this is that commercial I was telling you about. It make me feel very unimportant, insignificant and quite unloved. I wish I felt pretty or dare I say beautiful. I wish I felt safe and secure. I wish I didn't need this xanax. I wish my mom didn't have cancer, or that I at least had a strong support system at home. I wish I knew who I am anymore and secretly I always wished someone knew how I felt......and now someone does......thank you for reading and being that someone!!