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New to Holiday's with ADD

Just recently I was diagnosed with ADD and started medication a long with talk to a counselor.  Within the last 5 weeks my wife and I have been "in-house" separated I live/sleep down stairs when the kids go do bed.  We had a talk last week and we have actually started making progress which is a GOOD thing.  Now my questions are about the holiday's and how do we act?  Since my wife and I barely do anything together, we do not talk, we do not do anything that would be considered husband and wife, do we go to each other's family during the holiday's or I go to mine and she goes to hers? 

Here is an example...I was supposed to work the day after T-day so we were going to my family's on Thursday day and I was coming back Thursday night.  Now that I am not working, when I told my wife, she said that maybe I could work some nursing shifts and still come back home?  I pondered this a bit, even took Melissa's advice and asked her if I did not have any nursing shifts am I going to your family's or am I still coming home? She stood for a bit and I asked if she would like to think about it and she said she would. Just to test the waters, I went deer hunting and the meat is ready for me to pick up, I told my wife that I would pick it up when the kids and I went to my family's on Thursday, I wanted to see what she would say and if she still planned on going. Her response was "Just you and the kids are going?"  I told her that we have not talked about it so I did not know if she still planned on going or not and she made the reference that she still planned on going.   

I understand about the time/space needed and I am not trying to start something, but feeling like that she gets to choose when and where we will be together and I have no say so.  She can come to my family's but I cannot come to hers? Do I still invite her to mine? I want this to be peaceful, I really do but not liking her coming to mine but I am not invited to hers.  Any advice/help from anyone would be appreciated!!!!

Thanks,

 

Wayne

Comments

One thing I agree with, as I

One thing I agree with, as I have felt many times, is that she shouldn't have 100% of the say-so and you none. There comes a time when she needs to decide if she's going to stay married to you...and then put herself back into it 100% or she needs to just walk away. Giving her space, or her needing space, is understandable. No one can dictate how long she will need to heal, to trust again. However, it is really unfair for her to not speak to you or include you in on ANYTHING. I wasn't aware, until recently, that you guys rarely even speak (when you mentioned the conversation that you were so happy about). I hate to second guess her need for space, but I can only hope that she is really using the time wisely and using it to work on herself..AND the marriage. Only you'll know when her 'space' has crossed the line of reason for you and your situation...until then, try and be patient.

I still stand by my suggestion to not make a huge deal of this if she doesn't invite you to her parents. You asked...if you choose to leave everything up to her at this point...then you have to wait and see what she says. You are perfectly entitled to your feelings and have a right to say "since we're trying to work on the marriage, and the ultimate goal is to stay together, it would really mean a lot to me if I could go with you to your parents." It is unfair for her to assume you have no feelings on it...and the 'fair' thing to do would have been to ask you if you wanted to go. I guess she's hurting and maybe just not ready to let go of that yet. I don't know.

Good luck! I hope things work out in a way that everyone is happy.

Need Help, ADD mind in overlaod!!

waynebloss's picture

 Right now my wife and I are not talking at all. Maybe 5-10 minutes a day over general stuff, she is still being quiet about everything. We had a talk about a week and half ago where we had our 1st successful discussion about money then about our "separation". She stated that for the first time in about 20 months she has felt peace and has started to forgive. Which makes me happy but since then she has went back to saying nothing. I have not felt good the last 2 weeks, cold/flu so I have not been the best person to be around!! During this time, she has taken a few steps back into her shell which has me concerned. The reason I am writing is that for Thanksgiving, she has made it clear that she does not want me to join her at her family's house, I asked if I was going to join her on Friday at her parent's house and she stated that "she had to think about it" but has not given me her answer as of today, so I am almost sure she is trying to avoid talking to me about it and telling me no, which sucks but it is what it is. Now do I still invite her to mine? Here are my thoughts (After the medication Vyvanse is in effect...for all you ADD bashing people! :P, just kidding...I think?)

Reason why I do not want her to be there...
1. We have not been happy, thankful, not shown love towards each other, not even been good friends so why should I want that at thanksgiving?
2. She has not acted in anyway within the last 2 weeks that shows she wants to be in the same room with me or in the same house with me so why would I want those feelings brought into my parent’s house.
3. If I do, then what I am afraid of is her "acting" like she is happy to be there but not really and it showing to my family which has no clue what we are going through right now.
4. She wants space and time away from me/us, wouldn’t this be what she wants, not to be with me and family?


Reasons why I do
1. It will be good for the kids to see us all together
2. It might be good being around a big family helping with social interaction
3. Shows her that I still want this
4. Shows her and her best friend (who is in a worse situation than we are with her OCD/Mental abusing husband going through a divorce who is NOT ADD) that I am not like her husband. (My wife and her have compared me to him in the past which pisses me off!)
5. If I do not invite her then this has the great possibility of creating a bigger gap between her and I?
6. If I do not invite her I can see her taking this to an extreme and I can see her saying that I have not changed at all?
 

Pros vs. Cons

waynebloss's picture

I hate replying to my own question, but I have always been a  big pros vs. cons person and I should have seen it with this but after some time I can see the pro's have it...Wish me luck!!

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

Wayne

It is my understanding that

It is my understanding that it really is progress for an ADDer to be able to figure these things out. Wayne, I swear sometimes I feel like I am ADD because I have 'those moments' (just like my husband, and just like you describe above) where I simply cannot take it anymore and I have to do something..decide something..fix this situation..yesterday!

I agree with you...the pros are the best choice...and if she doesn't want you to go to her parents, then that doesn't mean you have to respond with the same decision. Show her that you're willing to ask her to be with your family even if she's 'punishing' you (I suspect) by not asking you to go with her. I really think she'll regret that decision, in the end, but the only person you can control is you. Spend the holiday with her at your parents and then let her go on to her parents. I am not sure at this point, if I were you, that I would accept the invitation if she asked. I wouldn't be ugly about it, just simply state that you went ahead and made other plans and leave it at that. That's just me. If she asks you to go and you want to go, then go. I would feel like you, she's avoiding saying no..and to be honest, I think she's being a little cruel.

*please take all comments above in the context that, for me, not spending the holidays together would feel like the end of the world...and that my emotions are all over the board the last few days as well. :o)

I do wish you luck!  

Hmmm....

waynebloss's picture

I will tell you that the last 2 times she de-invited (her birthday) and not invited me (a couples Halloween party "but not really a couples party") they turned out to be a wash.  On her birthday, like I stated in other posts, she talked about spending it with me seeing a movie or something but 3 days before her mother text me to say she was sorry that we were not spending it together.  I had no idea at the time what she as talking about, but 20-30 min later, my wife text me that she wanted to have a girls only instead of going with me.  It turned out that only 2 people showed up and one left within 30 min of getting there.  I felt very bad for her but said nothing, did not boast or make her feel bad, just gave what support she would accept.  Then the party was supposed to be a 20-30 people party with a bon-fire and food was prepared along with other things and only 5 people showed up!  Again I felt very bad for her and her friend, but did not boast or make her feel like she made a bad decision, just gave her what support she would accept. 

I am not going to her family's even if she does invite me, I just do not want to be somewhere with her if she really does not want me there, goes along with the space/time issue.   Originally it was because I was losing money by not working my regular job (contractors do not get paid for holidays!) but my boss allowed me to work extra and I am only losing 4 hours.  I told her this, happy that I am not losing 10-14 but only 4 hours, and now looking back it was a mistake! I hope she is not trying to figure out what she should do now since I do not need to work extra as a nurse. Did not mean anything but happy that I am only losing 4 hours and I hope she took it that way but I doubt it.  I am hoping she tells the truth to those that ask and not say because I have to work, but that is her decision not mine.  I hate us not being together as a family, especially since her mother REALLY wants the family to be together.  Here is the irony, her sister is divorcing her husband, he moved back to his hometown and she is still in Chicago and they BOTH will be there together but no us! 

Oh well a few days by myself, maybe I can get a few projects completed!!

Wayne

Thanksgiving

I hope this somehow worked out well for you!

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