after years of therapy, and 22 years of bullying and the roller coaster that I've come to learn is ADD without the Hyperactivity component, I convinced my husband that this evaluation and diagnosis could save our marriage. Additionally, our children are learning to behave like him, and they're just horrible!! Unfortunately time passed before the appointment, his interested lessened, and he manipulated the situation so that I couldn't go with him. He came home and said the therapist told him you can't diagnose an adult with ADD if they were not diagnosed as a child. He said my husband likely has "anxiety issues" and made him an appointment with the psychiatrist for February, 2 months from now!! He wants to do marriage counseling with us, which we've done with numerous counselors. I can't do it. I can't last 2 months, I can't last 2 weeks. I agreed to give our marriage on last try, because he promised we would go to this appointment together. I needed this as much or more than he did, it was for us, not him. I had an apartment lined up and I let it go, I have no trust in him at all. If this counselor actually told him this, then he must be a quack right? And if he didn't, then I can't trust my husband and I need to just let him go! I'm having a horrible time finding a counselor in our area that is familiar with adult ADD, I'm really really frustrated, and absent a diagnosis I'm done. He asked me what happens if it turns he "doesn't have this" and I told him we're finished. Absent some explanation, I have to walk away and try to save my sanity before I leap off a bridge. Who does the diagnosis, and is it true that you can't diagnose an adult who wasn't diagnosed as a child? Also, is it true that anxiety is treated the same as adult ADD both cognitively and with medication? Finally, if this guy is a quack, how do I find someone who is not?
No such thing as Adult Diagnosis?
Submitted by Strangebird on 12/15/2014.
This therapist is uninformed
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Almost 90% of adults with ADHD are undiagnosed. This isn't because they don't have ADHD...it's because they don't KNOW they have ADHD and haven't been diagnosed. The therapist you are talking about is confusing the issue - the diagnostic criteria for ADHD say that you must have had it as a child in order to have ADHD...but not that you must have been diagnosed. The way therapists figure this out is by taking a history. Typical indicators, or 'clues' that one might havef ADHD include: underperformance in school; trouble staying organized, turning homework in, etc. Difficulties after leaving home - for example some with undiagnosed (or diagnosed, even) ADHD really struggle their first year in college (if they go); social issues with other kids; authority figures telling them "if you just tried harder you could do so well"; time management issues; losing items frequently; very easily distracted; doesn't finish tasks that he/she starts; has trouble initiating tasks; is very easily overwhelmed and/or shut down, etc. As an adult, difficulty staying employed and more driving issues (tickets, accidents, etc.); time management issues are also all clues to ADHD. And, of course, high energy or hyperactivity for some.
I suggest that you read both sets of the free downloadable chapters of my books. The downloadable chapters from The ADHD Effect on Marriage include the chapter about diagnosis, and the chapters from The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD happens to include the chapter on treatment. You can find links to both on the home page. Perhaps this information will help you (and him) figure out how to proceed.
As for finding a therapist - try these avenues:
Best of luck with this!
Thank you for your response.
Submitted by Strangebird on
Thank you for your response. I was beginning to think I was crazy, I've read both of those books cover to cover, along with all of the downloads, during the waiting period for the appointment. We're very rural and don't have a local CHADD chapter. I was careful about getting the referral from a professional I know in the psychology field, but couldn't find anyone specifically identifying with adult ADD. My husband just seems empowered by these statements, as though there can't possibly be anything wrong with him because he was not diagnosed as a child. I called this counselor and he spent an hour on the phone with me, he's willing to try to fit us in for an appointment and try to work with us. I told him that to work with my husband alone is worthless, as he will never get a clear picture of his behaviors or reactions to my behaviors. I also told him that I have to stand by y word that I won't just let this go and pretend that I was not just totally disregarded when my husband went to the appointment without me. We'll see what happens, but I don't feel as though this counselor has experience necessary to deal with our problems.
Hi TTT
Submitted by c ur self on
Suggestion...When you go to the sessions if you tend to get emotional about the behaviors you have dealt with....Write down the realities of your lives together as you have experienced it...Write down how his actions and behaviors make you feel. Try to stay as emotionally unattached as possible...It ties the counselors hands when emotions flare up....He doesn't know you and he will pay as much attention to your husbands comments as to yours and rightfully so....It want matter that they may not be truthful, he will document them like they are....So, be ready for that...and stay calm.
It will probably take several sessions for you to feel like progress is being made, so be patient...
Just suggesting this because I wished someone would have told this to me before 10 months of counseling where denial was the main theme...
Good Luck...
I was firm with the counselor
Submitted by Strangebird on
I was firm with the counselor that absent both of us being present for sessions there was no point in going forward. I told him that my Husband may offer some limited information to make himself appear truthful, but not the entire truth. It told him I'd simply leave, that I'd had enough and I wouldn't waste my time while he figured out that Jeff is ADD and how this is impacting our family, our marriage, and our kids. He listened and agreed. He made time for both of us to come in and told Jeff that we'd have to come together, and also told him that the work doesn't end with the sessions. He pointed out to Jeff that the books I have are for both of us. I was SHOCKED!! he told Jeff that I'd been doing all the heavy lifting and acting as his parent, not his wife; that I'd been giving him a road map for every aspect of his life and he'd been disregarding what he didn't like. I truly believe that this counselor spend considerable time "getting up to speed" after our hour long telephone conversation, prior to our session together, because it was the first counseling session I've ever attended where I felt like someone understood me. He even called me out for enabling Jeff to continue this behavior (because I have) and challenged me to stop. He told Jeff my job now is to be a coach, not a parent. To coach him in the skills he needs to manage his day to day life. Now the challenge is to get in with the psychiatrist sooner than he's available, which is February. Ultimately, I think we may make progress!!
TTT
Submitted by c ur self on
Awesome, sounds encouraging!