Don't know if the "I'm not worthy" statement is true, but in any event you should insist that he start therapy to work through this issue as well as his attraction to online porn.

It's hard to give you specific advice on how to handle this one for you, though.  Each person has to decide what the boundaries are for "acceptable" behavior.  It may or may not be true that your husband hasn't followed up...for me this is a big issue - is he putting your health at risk by being involved sexually with others, or is he fantasizing because he has other issues?  If he is genuinely interested in keeping you around and if you have strong feelings for him and think you wish to try again, then you might take a policy of "trust but verify".  You already know where he went on the computer (at least somewhat).  You can also ask for his cell phone records and start looking up numbers you don't recognize or that are called multiple times.  If he's being honest you won't find anything.  If he isn't, the cell phone records will probably give him away.

If/when you find something then you have some decisions to make.  My husband and I both had affairs during our marriage...yet we are not only still married, we are very happily married.  It was hard work to get past the anger that the affairs brought out, but we were able to.  Part of that healing process for me was to make an agreement that we would both be completely honest in our answers to any questions that were asked.  For me I needed to review cell phone records with him, needed to verify his stories with his girlfriend (who happily and unwittingly supplied the necessary information in an attempt to make me divorce him), it meant that when I told him I was going to contact his "ex" girlfriend some time in the next year to make sure they weren't seeing each other and wasn't going to tell him when it would be that he would have to accept that.  Those were some of the stipulations.  I didn't lie to him about what I intended or that I would need a year or so to start trusting him again without reservation - he could take my stipulations or not.  Same in the other direction.  He has complete access to my computer and phone records, and expects that I will either remain monogomous, or declare my intention not to and leave of my own accord.  Our final agreement - any infidelity at this point equals uncontested and immediate divorce.

With these agreements in place as backstops (haven't used any except contacting the ex girlfriend, which I did do and she isn't involved at all with him - in fact now hates his guts, which I find reassuring because it assures she would do something stupid and self-defeating if he did ever contact her again) we were able to move on.  We gave each other power and reassurances, hashed out what we each thought we needed to be able to create an environment in which we feel safe, and got down to the business of falling back in love with each other rather than other people.

I tell you this not because your situation is exactly the same, but because I don't think you should make any fast judgements about what you should do next.  You need to feel your way through this and see what works specifically for you.  The only specific request I would have for you is that you think clearly and deeply about your own interests, make some promises to yourself that protect them, and then keep those promises.

For you, I expect having your husband complete some sort of therapy or addiction program would be a good start, and thinking hard about what you need to feel trust again, or at least that you can't be "taken in" by sweet talk.  Ask yourself if there are any agreements that you can make with yourself first, then him second, that will set you on the road to repair...if that's what you want.  You, too, may wish to seek counselling to deal with your grief and anger.

Or, you may decide you're finished, which is also a way to deal with it.  If so, I would again seek counselling for your grief and hurt so that you can move on in a healthy way.

I too found out my husband (we are both medicated ADD) has been cruising porn sites and masterbating. He had been going to Sex Addicts Anonymous, but he tends to miss lots of meetings because of grad school. I realized after finding his searches that I needed to go to CoSA, which is for the partner of sexually addicted people. We have both been molested as kids. In my first two weeks of meetings, I have already gotten some strength and set some boundaries with him that I never could imagined just a month ago. Co Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous are 12 step programs that use the same principals as Alcoholics Anonymous. I hope this helps. D.

Hi, From one spouse to another, your husband's behavior has all the hallmarks of sex/porn addiction - cruising secretly, rarely having sex with their real live willing spouse/significant other, trying to hide the evidence on the computer, crusing dating/sex partner boards looking for new partners, escalation into other sexual activities to heighten the stimulation, etc. I'd totally suggest therapy and a 12-step group for him as well as for you - and there are many to choose from: SA, SAA, COSA to name a few. We discovered my husband's sex/porn addiction first, then 10 years later got the ADHD diagnosis (although I suspected it all along). I have since found out that sex/porn addiction is VERY common in people (especially men) with ADHD because of that whole need for stimulation/instant gratification thing. The important thing for you to realize is that his addiction has nothing to do with you in that there is nothing that you could do (make yourself more available, be willing to try new and adventurous things, etc.) that would stop this - it is a compusion of his that is completely independent of you. That was hard for me to wrap my head around at first. I'd also let you know that by my own experiences in dealing with this and talking with others dealing with this - it is a slippery slope. Just because he isn't doing something yet does not mean he may not do more later. If he is posting to meet other partners, chances are probably good that he has either done it before or is getting ready to start trying it soon. Like others have said, I would encourage you to get some help for yourself, encourage him to get help, figure out your boundaries and then enforce them. Sex/porn addiction is destructive and unsafe behavior that kills marital intimacy. Left unchecked, it only gets worse over time. Hang in there!