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Hi there - I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have ADD/ADHD. It was only diagnosed about 10 years ago. I am in my mid-40s, and have also been married almost 17 years and we have two kids.
Your wife's behavior sounds more extreme than mine on some things, but I can also identify with it and have acted really horribly in other ways.
One thing that stood out for me is that you mentioned she has drank more in the past 6 months than she has in the past 6 years. Has her behavior WORSENED in other ways in the past 6 months? I am asking because if we are similar in age, my hormones have been KICKING MY BUTT and exacerbating my ADD/ADHD symptoms for the past 9-12 months or so. I also started drinking a lot more and behind my husband's back, and was (and still am) experiencing WILD swings in mood (I love you, I hate you in one day), etc.
Is there ANYONE who might be able to talk to your wife, sort of "intervention-style?" If it is as bad as it sounds, and again, even though I might not be acting as "bad" as she is right now, I HAVE acted as badly in other ways, and if not for certain circumstances could certainly be where she is right now... I'm rambling but the point I was trying to get to :) is that she maybe/likely is unwilling to "HEAR IT" from you. I have had resentment for my husband when he points out my bad behavior, and my reality has been SO DISTORTED that I was SURE THAT I WAS RIGHT about things when I wasn't (or acting appropriately, or not drinking too much, etc.).
I posted a link just in the last week or so to an article about narcissism, and it was LITERALLY one of the first things I read in my life that made me start to doubt MY REALITY. Whether I am full blown narcissistic or not, it made me question a TON of perceptions I had about myself, my husband, my communication, etc. Here is the link to the other post (in this forum): http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/addadhd-and-narcissism-relating-comm....
It hurts my heart to say it, but it does NOT sound like she is responsible to have unsupervised time with the kids for any length of time. Her "needs" and selfishness will come before theirs as long as she is in denial about her destructive behavior.
FYI, where we (relationship) are now is that since finding this forum just a few weeks ago, my husband bought Melissa's book and we have come to the conclusion that I have probably been on the wrong medication for all this time. I did not involve him much except in vague ways in my initial diagnosis and treatment, so I've pretty much just been doing the same thing all these years until we had a bomb drop last year (my doing). What he has read is that the ADD person NEEDS the ADD-spouse to participate in the psych/counseling appts to help navigate and ask questions, because left to our own devices, well... we have ADD (and the -not-reality it encompasses).
Really, what we have going for us is a husband that hasn't given up even though I've been a pill for all these years, and finally realizing that I have been using the ADD/ADHD as an excuse to blame him for not "treating me right" when that was MY reality, but it wasn't real. It has been a long, tough road at times though.
It has also been really helpful for me to read posts from NON-ADD spouses here, because before I thought my husband was TOO picky, TOO anal, and that HE was odd in how he wanted me to communicate. Now I know that even though he may not be perfect, he has VERY SIMILAR responses as many non-ADD spouses, and a lot of the anger, impatience is because of the cumulative effect of MY COMMUNICATION/ADD.
If you can get her to read some of these forum discussions, and maybe that article about narcissism, then MAYBE that will be a starting point for some self-realization.
I really wish you luck and strength for what you're going through.
I truly appreciate your insights. She is considering an ADHD assessment but does not believe it will do any good. I want to go with her but she doesn't want me to. I fear that she could easily sabotage the results and use that as an, " I told you so." I will attempt to get her to read the book, the forum, and the link you gave me. Unfortunately, she often says that I bombard her with too much information and tends to delete or disregard the majority of what I send her. She has ODD which makes her automatically defy my suggestions. I finally told her that, if she leaves me, I feel compelled to take the kids to live with me. She did not like that but I believe it was a tough reality check for her.this forum has been a true Godsend. I believe in my marriage and this helps me to keep working at it regardless of all the heartache.
I have been blogging here for some time also,and this marriage site has helped me cope through my struggles, and it also gave me hope.If your wife does not want you to accommodate her,then don't go,it is already shameful for ADHD people as is,so she maybe feeling that she might be embarrassed,or belittle in front of you, and that maybe why she is refusing your company.I read that having both ADHD and ODD together could be ten times more worse than having "just"ADHD alone,I could tell my DH have ODD as well,his anger never stops and is easily ticked off at everything,even "little"things.but,I am not giving up just yet,and I pray he would do exactly what he says he would do, and go for treatment soon and start meds.Maybe the great man I fell in love with would come back,I pray everyday.
I read the article "Narcissistic Pathology of Everyday Life: The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude". It hit too close to home. Is it possible that my ADHD/ODD wife is also narcissistic? This is beginning to feel hopeless. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's hard enough to try to convince her to have her ADHD treated, how do I tell her she should see a therapist about possible Narcissism? I am losing my faith. All these years that I felt lonely and depressed so unnecessarily. How do I approach this? How do I communicate with her now seeing her for what she is? How can I ever trust her again? She won't wear her wedding ring and she hasn't told me she loves me for 6 months. Sad thing is that I love her and that will never change. I need advice very badly.
Just have a minute tonight, but was sad to read your post. I am sorry that the article was painful, but I guess (hope?) it is better to read it and identify with what has been happening than to be in the dark?
I have been this way all my life. Only 10 years ago (or so) did I get diagnosed with ADD, and ONLY A FEW MONTHS AGO did I find that article and strongly identify with those traits. It was a LIFE-ALTERING paradigm shift for me.
I am not nearly qualified or equipped to tell you what to do, but there is always hope.
I am not giving up. I have a good network of support around me. Her mother once reached out to me with deep concern for her daughter. I shared my concerns. My wife literally went ballistic over that. I agreed not to discuss "our" situation with her family members. Do you feel you would have benefited from more people you know asking you to get help? I am stuck in this world where I can't be the happy and healthy person I want to be AND be there for my wife. She holds me hostage with her reactions to my attempts at helping. I think I may need to recruit more people to confront her but fear the ramifications. I could bring it up at marriage counseling but that generally doesn't do any good either. She won't say anything at counseling except, "I don't know" then blow up at me afterwards. I can now see that we are paying for marriage counseling but it is only for her to keep up appearances. Once again, I am at a loss. Maybe an intervention is what's needed. If enough people who she knows tell her she needs help, will she finally open her eyes? I can't keep letting her hold me hostage like this. Something needs to change. Through it all, I love her and that will never change. I give her my love freely and unconditionally. She eats it up with a spoon but she doesn't return love to me. That is what hurts the most.
you remind me soo much of what I am going through with my ADD husband,I admire how much you love your wife,, the same as I do love my husband,but,there is alot at stake here, the "big" thing about this whole situation is not letting"our" selves "GO" mentally, with all of this,last couple of days I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depressions, and that's b/c I was fighting for change in my DH and no results in the end,, the harder I pushed, pushed, pushed,the more he resented me for it,so I ezzed it in gradually till he finally accepted to see a doctor,starting next week .I have decided to let the relationship take it's natural course in the mean time or maybe right through, and not force anything onto him,and of course letting him know of my intentions to do so, is important,so he don't make wrong accusations,I am not going to focus to much on his negativity rather than the positivity,"like"he just fixed my car, and, or, he helped me with paying a bill, even though I know it's not consistent,things like that,and also I am getting myself into an extra curriculum,like joining a gym and belly dancing it will help "us" with stress especially exercise,but also taking time to enjoy the weekends doing something fun and exciting with him.This has helped us a little before,but,needs more attending to.I know that it can be difficult,very difficult, but hang in there and try not to focus too much on her situation rather looking after yourself first to save yourself from pain and depressions,do something nice for yourself whatever makes you happy.
From the non-ADD spouse perspective, I think what lovehurts said is pretty spot on. It's easy to spend SO much time and energy on your relationship that you sacrifice your own health and well-being.
So, I've been thinking about this a lot... from the ADD/possibly-narcissistic perspective, you asked what to do. If I was in your wife's reality, this might be what is going on in my head and/or what I am afraid of:
Shame, admitting mistakes, guilt, ego, pride - The narcissistic in me will HOLD ON SOOOO TIGHT before admitting mistakes. If given time, I can then SEE the mistake, but even then it has always been VERY DIFFICULT for me to admit, repent, be humble. Right now, it is possible that she is living in a black hole of the shame/guilt/ego/pride and further confrontation from you just adds to it (I know it's hard to imagine this, but at times I have felt so ashamed of my behavior, that I figure "what the heck, I'll just up the ante" - not consciously, but that's what it comes down to.) So, what lovehurts said about backing off, even though it feels counterproductive, might be the best thing to do.
Intervention? For the confrontation reasons listed above, it would be even MORE difficult for me to get hit from more than one direction with criticism IN PERSON. However, if you had a few people who are important to your wife write letters about how they feel and how they see her behavior, that might be helpful. It is WAY easier for me to read, process, and respond HONESTLY like that instead of on the spot.
Who does she trust? Also sort of related to above. Is there someone outside your marriage who your wife looks up to? Our ADD/Narcissistic minds can be weird here, because it might not necessarily be someone you'd expect, but whose attention she desires (not sexually or anything like that, but someone who she wants to "seem important" to). If THAT person could write a letter and/or talk to her, maybe asking some leading questions about what's going on in her life. YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO TALK TO SOMEONE HONESTLY WITHOUT FEAR OF CRITICISM (I'm not doing all caps to put blame on you, but more about what she might REALLY NEED :).
Vulnerability/Weaknesses - what does she have to lose? Kids? car? possessions? What makes her emotional? When do you see the woman YOU LOVE? (One of my silly things is watching emotional movies and crying, when I can show my vulnerability like that it melts a lot of anger). Of course, a lot of times it is fleeting, but what kinds of things/emotions/situations demonstrate that woman at her best?
Safety - In order for me to let down my "guard," whether that is ego, pride, anger, whatever, I need to feel "safe." Right now, what I need is different than what I needed last year, and what I will probably need next year. It's somewhat a self-esteem thing, but even though she may not act like she needs to feel safe and feel love, she probably does. You will probably bear the brunt of the burden and need to provide MORE of this than she really deserves, but it's kind of like caring for a newborn :).
Higher Power - to me this should be first, but I put it last because the above needs to happen. If the above can happen under the guidance of God, then there are fruits that will be provided that you might not even be able to imagine yet.
So, I realize those aren't really "action items," but as you are formulating your next steps, the above emotions are what I (the ADD/possibly narcissistic wife) might respond to better than other ways of confrontation.
She called me to tell me that she had her ADHD screening today. The therapist told her she probably would not need meds and that she seems to have good coping mechanisms in place. There is some further testing to be done but this initial news is disheartening. It reinforces my fears that this is something much more serious. I keep going back to a personality disorder. Particularly NPD.
Today, as we spoke to our son's therapist, I relayed some of the struggles I watched him go though the previous two weeks. My wife proceeded to tell a charming story that, while it included a reference to our son, was basically about her. The therapist laughed at her story and my wife just ate up the positive reaction with a spoon. Now she is at work late wanting to stay at her friend's house even though she told our daughter she would be home. She has been texting me to see if she is sleeping yet. I would ALWAYS come home, it's not even a question.
I think I am going to tell her to think long and hard about whether I am going to be her husband who will support her through this as she seeks help OR that I will need to move on with my life. I want her to choose when she returns from her trip to Baltimore in 2 weeks. Everyone is miserable around her and sick of her total self-centeredness. If she cannot commit to me, she is only using me and will jump ship once she finds someone who will fill her narcissistic supply without pressuring her to change like I do.
I love her but I also love myself and my children. I cannot force her to change.
Sorry to hear that... I went to my initial psych appointments many years ago by myself, and just recently read that the spouse should really be involved because we ADD/ADHD folks are bad at self-perception. From everything you've said, I'm guessing that's just not really going to happen in the near future. It's also tough because Doctors vary SO MUCH and can range from life-saving to enabling of bad behavior, so who knows what factors are at play in that "diagnosis" of "good coping skills." (From my ADD perspective, I KNOW I could spin a good yarn about how well I "coped"..... ha ha.)
It sounds like the approach of giving her the choice after her trip sounds like what needs to happen for any chance of her facing reality. I would say prepare for the worst (not to be pessimistic, but for self-preservation) and also prepare for hostility and "Fine! Screw you!" at least initially. The defensiveness and possible narcissistic emotions will likely kick in right away and might take quite a bit of time for her to deal with. The emotion will also probably range from defensiveness/hostility to blame, to her breaking down and maybe even acting sorry, but then if you weaken your resolve before she's ready to REALLY ADDRESS THE ISSUES, it will just be more difficult.
Be strong, stand your ground, and post as often as needed for support here... Even writing stuff helps me get out some pent up frustration, and a lot of people here can empathize with what you are going through.
Oh - one more thing - On a different forum topic here today, someone had posted a link from vimeo.com with some videos from a Dr. Barkley on adhd. Some of them were really compelling and described the topic of "executive functioning" in a very detailed way. I watched/listened to a couple of them and might go back when I have some more time, but I found them informative and helpful in my "quest" for balance/health/etc.
I like to journal my thoughts and feelings. My latest entry (this morning) brings me the closest I have ever been to truly leaving my marriage:
I am falling out of love with [my wife]. She is no longer a wife or a lover. She isn't even much of a mother or friend any more. She is someone to be pitied and I do pity her, but she can't be counted on. She is lost. She doesn't even see that she is sick. She is blind to the truth. I have become well and I cannot be manipulated by her any more. She keeps trying. I know she can't help herself, it is hard to change very old habits. My kindness towards her is starting to feel forced. I can't help someone who can't help themselves. She was ruined by her father and her mother. Her father abused her psyche with words and actions (ultimately by not loving her). Her mother overcompensated by spoiling and coddling her (once again, not loving her). The only real love [my wife] has ever received consistently is from her grandmother and from me. Now she won't let me help her. Doing that would be admitting that she needs it and that is too much for her to admit. She is so sick that she truly believes that everyone must love her, must want to be with her, and must show her how much they enjoy her company without her having to do the same. She is narcissistic. I can see her for what she is and it is terrible. I can see why everyone is telling me to get out NOW.
I just see it all the time now. The rage. It always occurs when the kids or I aren't coddling her. She gets mad at those who don't worship her. All she ever talks about is herself. Sure, she can create the illusion that she is talking about others, but she isn't really. Her stories are engineered to fill her need for narcissistic supply (laughing, nodding, approval, etc). She fears losing me, a pawn, not because she gives a damn about me but because she doesn't have someone else to give her unconditional love. The first time she expressed any sort of kindness in the last 6 months is after I told her that we probably weren't going to make it. She texted me, "thinking of you" and left me a card that very next day. Her Narcissistic Supply source was threatened. Once I told her that I was beginning to feel hope again, she reverted right back to her old self. Its as if it is way too hard to be kind to me.
She cannot love. She doesn't even know what love is. How could she? She may think she does, or at least sometimes experiences something she may call love, but it isn't love. This is where any fool can see that she is sick. Love is easy. If she can't get love she goes for pity. She is full of stories that idiots who don't see her for what she is eat up with a spoon. They say, "Poor [my wife]" or "She works so hard" or "She gives so much of herself" etc. She will only be with people who feed her that crap. That's why [name omitted] is her best friend. Her "best" friend will let [my wife] take and take and take and has too low a self-esteem to expect much in return. Sound familiar? That is who I WAS! That is why she married me.
If someone doesn't give her narcissistic supply, she is ruthless. She completely devalues the offender(s). She convinces herself and others that they are clearly defective. A good story that shows this happened a couple weeks ago at her work place. Some women who worked near the top of a set of stairs [my wife] uses regularly asked that [my wife] try to be a little more quiet when using the stairs. You would think that was a harmless, easily accommodated request. Oh No, not with my wife. She had to tell me and several of her "friends" what "bitches" they are. She called them "old" and "fat". She said that she purposely stomped her feet up and down the stairs and encouraged others to do so as well. If one agrees with her = narcissistic supply. If one doesn't (I tried to play devil's advocate) then look out. She "checks out".
She "checks out" in several different ways. She will text others who will agree with her. She will surf websites like Pinterest to see how many new people are "following" her. She will shop Craigslist for motorcycles, knowing full well that I do not agree with her buying a motorcycle. Sometimes, she will just leave. No telling where she is going or what she is going to do, just leaves. She is the biggest coward I know. Before I finally understood this about her, it drove me to depression.
She likes to tell everyone that my depression caused the problems in our marriage. She never really intended to leave. She loves the drama. She wanted me to be a supplier again. Threats of leaving forced me to lavish her with attention out of fear. That is NOT love.
I feel love from my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my Al-Anon group, even from those in the forum I post on and more. I do NOT feel it from [my wife].
So where am I? Is unconditional love and my religious beliefs binding me to her? Does it mean that I can love her but not be with her? What does God think? I deserve happiness. I can see happiness in my sight. [My wife] won't head in that direction. Do I leave her behind? Do I go there and keep reaching back to her? I thought we were pursuing happiness together. 15 years are GONE FOREVER! I WILL NOT ALLOW THE REST OF MY LIFE TO BE WASTED. The only way I stay is if she can humble herself, admit she needs help, puts her ring back on, and puts her faith and trust in me. Outside of that, she is lost. I cannot wait forever.
The response to that gentleman just really hit home for me. My husband recently told me I was " narsasistic". I took MAJOR OFFENSE to that statement. I thought that there is no way I am, I m a pretty nice person....well it seems like I my be, to everyone but HIM! So now what do I do? He told me 3 days go that he is " done and can't do IT anymore- although I am unclear as to what IT is) . You described me pretty darn close and that is scary (because I had no idea). Where can I find more information?
Hey "B" - The best thing I've read that really opened my eyes is if you follow the link in my initial reply to another post I wrote, and then follow the link in THAT post to that archived article. It was that "Inability to Apologize" article that really blew me away... I was thinking, were these people watching me for the past 20 years??? I found a few other sites that I related to, but mostly I think it opened my eyes to a lot of behaviors, whether I am actually full-blown "narcissistic" or not... From what I've heard, read, and professionals I've talked to, the fact that I even IDENTIFY myself with that behavior is a good sign because the actual clinical narcissist would deny it.
Otherwise, just reading the other posts on this site has really helped me see perspectives I wasn't able or ready to accept from just hearing it from my spouse :).
Did you get help? If so, what kind? I read that info and was crying like a baby......I was like (to an extent) " that's me" . That is NOT WHO I WANT TO BE". We go back to counselor on Monday, I feel I do need to bring this up. It could be exactly what hubby has been saying ( and now I see why it hasn't went through). I'm going to "Just keep swimming" :) chuckle. Thanks......I'll probably post more in the next few days. Going to try to spend as much time with my family this weekend.
You don't say how you ended up here - ADD? ADD-spouse? I have the add/adhd and the journey has been long... If you look up some of my posts here from just the last month or so, a LOT has transpired for me/us in the past 9 months... culmination of years of communication issues, marriage crisis, TONNNNNS of counseling, etc. And actually, a BIG part was getting back to church... the old "higher power" thing ;).
Within a week or two period of time about 2 months ago (?), all this stuff just sort of surfaced (including that article) and all of a sudden, EVERYTHING I had been holding onto (anger and resentment at my husband for his "anal communication style," being a big one) basically came crashing down. Basically, for the first time really ever I realized that MAYBE I WASN'T RIGHT. yikes. ;).
I guess that REALLY seeing things for what they were, or for what they even MIGHT be was the first step. My husband still has his own demons to work on, but I finally spread all mine out on the table to look at them... maybe some were spot-on, maybe some weren't (e.g. the narcissism stuff fits, but like I said, a TRUE narcissist wouldn't even entertain the the thought that this person could be THEM).
After reading the narcissism article, I just started thinking about those responses in my communication. As those types of responses would come out, it was pretty easy to see the patterns most of the time. NOT THAT I AM perfect by ANY MEANS now :)... it takes a while to UNlearn 40 years of a type of thinking.
What I try to work on every day is humility. That pride/ego thing is a HUGE obstacle. But when I am humble, admit my mistakes, ask for help, my husband WANTS to slay dragons for me.
I too have ADHD (I'm a 37 yr old female) husband is not ADHD. My husband told me about 3 days ago he was done and couldnt do it anymore. In my mind, I saw it as giving up (belittled him by telling him he was giving up on his kids) by giving up on US. WHO DOES THAT.? That was so darn cruel of me ( I would have used my regular language, but it is VERY IMPOLITE-cuss words always are). My mind has been on overload ever since I logged on here, but it has been so how do I say Euphoric........like I'm not the only one dealing with the same things. If other people can survive, I can try my hardest to show him how very much I love him ( despite how vulgar I have unconsciously treated him) all of these years.
How also similar, I also recently admitted to MYSELF.......I AM NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! And tha was HARD, but I think a big step forward. I think you know what I am talking about? And if you don't, that's cool too.
I am glad to hear others can see these issues within themselves. It gives me hope. My wife hasn't made it to that realization yet, at least not admittedly. She is coming around, slowly. We went on a date last night to a concert and it went well. We are trying to become friends again and taking it from there. I still hold hope in my heart. The one thing that has helped me most is being able to accept that my wife is Ill and needs help but that I can't make her get help. That has allowed me to let go which, in turn, has helped her. I know it sounds weird but it works. I wish you the best and I am happy to share my experience (as the non-ADHD spouse) with your husband, if he is open to that.
I agree with you, she has to be the one to want the help. I DO want the help. That was the reason I wanted to see the second counselor int the first place. He is reluctant, but I TOTALLY SEE why now. I have " tricked" him or "cried wolf" for so long, I lost his trust. I want to be the one he can talk to, confid in, and see himself with for the rest of his HAPPY life. I hope it's not to late and I comend YOU for being so patient. I have seen the pain I have caused and I am ASHAMED. it's hard to ADMIT you are NOT who you THINKyou are. Hard pill to swallow. I wish the best of luck. Please keep us posted.
"B," Sounds like we're on the same journey. Don't be too hard on yourself though. I have gone back and forth between excited and sad for my life lived so far and the life I will live from now on. It is weird to be in my 40s and just now finding some of these things out.
I have such compassion for Ljlekan because I (think) I have some insight into what his wife feels and what she is doing. And I know how much my husband has suffered from the same type of behavior.
B - it is so great that you are willing to see it. It doesn't make us horrible people. It makes us human. We ALL have our baggage, some is more evident than others. But I believe that God made us this way for a reason, made us choose our mates for a reason.
I cannot express the pure love and gratitude I am developing for each of you. My quest for personal growth in mind, body, and spirit is enriched by the outpouring of support I am experiencing here. Thank you. I am reminded that there are people who care out there and that is food for my spirit.
I greatly appreciate the reminder to keep looking after my own well being. I easily forget that. I used to give in to my low self esteem all the time and "care" for others at my own expense. I have come to realize that this doesn't do anyone any good. I am no good to others unless I am good to myself first.
I love the suggestions too, especially about having letters written and about reaching out to God. I recently reconnected with my spiritual self. This includes joining a church and meeting with my pastor weekly to counsel me in reconnecting to my faith. My wife is attending with me so far but is already beginning to make "time" excuses as to why she may not be able to make it next time. I will accept that she is there so far as a blessing. I have been trying to keep track of the "good" by journaling. When I am particularly down, I revisit these times in my journal. It helps me regain perspective.
I want to return the love and care you each have given me. I will share something I got from my therapist today that I found enlightening. It is attributed to Marrianne Williamson, but that is up for debate. It goes like this, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens most of us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
This goes along with one of the Personal Bill of Rights (http://www.adoptionhealing.com/PersonalBillofRights.html) that I relate to right now, "I have the right to be healthier than those around me". These two pieces help me remember not to lose myself in all of this madness.
once again, Thank You. Please reach out to me in your times of need as I will continue to reach out to you. God Bless.
Thanks Ljlekan :)... I have mostly been on the "replying" side so far here in the forum, but many of the posts I've read have made a huge impact on me as well, and same for my husband.
It is invaluable to read comments from ADD & Non-ADD people to both share what we're going through, and see it through the eyes of others who we're not so intimately entwined with :)... Helps look at things more rationally.
Thanks for the quote and resource. I'll check them out.
Aha...... That is so helpful. If someone sad or needy or troubled is around me, I had thought I must go into the trenches with them in the name of love, connection, compassion and being a part of humanity. "I have the right to be healthier than those around me" is not selfish or haughty, it is claiming your own true self and being the best you can be even when around others who are not doing so well. I grew up with the admonishment "Never think you are better than others". I got that good message mixed up in my mind, not permitting myself to be mentally healthier than others. I shared his problems with him. I stood in church and the minister announced, "Now the two of you become one". Now I see that my heartache source is that he seems to detach himself from anything unpleasant and I am figuratively left alone feeling alone and betrayed. He becomes "one" with whatever and whoever is in the moment and pleasant, while I have been tied emotionally, physically and morally to the relationship that feels so empty to me. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. Thank you for that.
ADD perspective
Submitted by szgrrl on
Hi there - I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have ADD/ADHD. It was only diagnosed about 10 years ago. I am in my mid-40s, and have also been married almost 17 years and we have two kids.
Your wife's behavior sounds more extreme than mine on some things, but I can also identify with it and have acted really horribly in other ways.
One thing that stood out for me is that you mentioned she has drank more in the past 6 months than she has in the past 6 years. Has her behavior WORSENED in other ways in the past 6 months? I am asking because if we are similar in age, my hormones have been KICKING MY BUTT and exacerbating my ADD/ADHD symptoms for the past 9-12 months or so. I also started drinking a lot more and behind my husband's back, and was (and still am) experiencing WILD swings in mood (I love you, I hate you in one day), etc.
Is there ANYONE who might be able to talk to your wife, sort of "intervention-style?" If it is as bad as it sounds, and again, even though I might not be acting as "bad" as she is right now, I HAVE acted as badly in other ways, and if not for certain circumstances could certainly be where she is right now... I'm rambling but the point I was trying to get to :) is that she maybe/likely is unwilling to "HEAR IT" from you. I have had resentment for my husband when he points out my bad behavior, and my reality has been SO DISTORTED that I was SURE THAT I WAS RIGHT about things when I wasn't (or acting appropriately, or not drinking too much, etc.).
I posted a link just in the last week or so to an article about narcissism, and it was LITERALLY one of the first things I read in my life that made me start to doubt MY REALITY. Whether I am full blown narcissistic or not, it made me question a TON of perceptions I had about myself, my husband, my communication, etc. Here is the link to the other post (in this forum): http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/addadhd-and-narcissism-relating-comm....
It hurts my heart to say it, but it does NOT sound like she is responsible to have unsupervised time with the kids for any length of time. Her "needs" and selfishness will come before theirs as long as she is in denial about her destructive behavior.
FYI, where we (relationship) are now is that since finding this forum just a few weeks ago, my husband bought Melissa's book and we have come to the conclusion that I have probably been on the wrong medication for all this time. I did not involve him much except in vague ways in my initial diagnosis and treatment, so I've pretty much just been doing the same thing all these years until we had a bomb drop last year (my doing). What he has read is that the ADD person NEEDS the ADD-spouse to participate in the psych/counseling appts to help navigate and ask questions, because left to our own devices, well... we have ADD (and the -not-reality it encompasses).
Really, what we have going for us is a husband that hasn't given up even though I've been a pill for all these years, and finally realizing that I have been using the ADD/ADHD as an excuse to blame him for not "treating me right" when that was MY reality, but it wasn't real. It has been a long, tough road at times though.
It has also been really helpful for me to read posts from NON-ADD spouses here, because before I thought my husband was TOO picky, TOO anal, and that HE was odd in how he wanted me to communicate. Now I know that even though he may not be perfect, he has VERY SIMILAR responses as many non-ADD spouses, and a lot of the anger, impatience is because of the cumulative effect of MY COMMUNICATION/ADD.
If you can get her to read some of these forum discussions, and maybe that article about narcissism, then MAYBE that will be a starting point for some self-realization.
I really wish you luck and strength for what you're going through.
Thank you so much
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I truly appreciate your insights. She is considering an ADHD assessment but does not believe it will do any good. I want to go with her but she doesn't want me to. I fear that she could easily sabotage the results and use that as an, " I told you so." I will attempt to get her to read the book, the forum, and the link you gave me. Unfortunately, she often says that I bombard her with too much information and tends to delete or disregard the majority of what I send her. She has ODD which makes her automatically defy my suggestions. I finally told her that, if she leaves me, I feel compelled to take the kids to live with me. She did not like that but I believe it was a tough reality check for her.this forum has been a true Godsend. I believe in my marriage and this helps me to keep working at it regardless of all the heartache.
Ljlekan,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I have been blogging here for some time also,and this marriage site has helped me cope through my struggles, and it also gave me hope.If your wife does not want you to accommodate her,then don't go,it is already shameful for ADHD people as is,so she maybe feeling that she might be embarrassed,or belittle in front of you, and that maybe why she is refusing your company.I read that having both ADHD and ODD together could be ten times more worse than having "just"ADHD alone,I could tell my DH have ODD as well,his anger never stops and is easily ticked off at everything,even "little"things.but,I am not giving up just yet,and I pray he would do exactly what he says he would do, and go for treatment soon and start meds.Maybe the great man I fell in love with would come back,I pray everyday.
god bless
lovehurts.,
Narcissism
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I read the article "Narcissistic Pathology of Everyday Life: The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude". It hit too close to home. Is it possible that my ADHD/ODD wife is also narcissistic? This is beginning to feel hopeless. What the hell am I supposed to do? It's hard enough to try to convince her to have her ADHD treated, how do I tell her she should see a therapist about possible Narcissism? I am losing my faith. All these years that I felt lonely and depressed so unnecessarily. How do I approach this? How do I communicate with her now seeing her for what she is? How can I ever trust her again? She won't wear her wedding ring and she hasn't told me she loves me for 6 months. Sad thing is that I love her and that will never change. I need advice very badly.
Don't give up.
Submitted by szgrrl on
Just have a minute tonight, but was sad to read your post. I am sorry that the article was painful, but I guess (hope?) it is better to read it and identify with what has been happening than to be in the dark?
I have been this way all my life. Only 10 years ago (or so) did I get diagnosed with ADD, and ONLY A FEW MONTHS AGO did I find that article and strongly identify with those traits. It was a LIFE-ALTERING paradigm shift for me.
I am not nearly qualified or equipped to tell you what to do, but there is always hope.
Take care...
Not giving up
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I am not giving up. I have a good network of support around me. Her mother once reached out to me with deep concern for her daughter. I shared my concerns. My wife literally went ballistic over that. I agreed not to discuss "our" situation with her family members. Do you feel you would have benefited from more people you know asking you to get help? I am stuck in this world where I can't be the happy and healthy person I want to be AND be there for my wife. She holds me hostage with her reactions to my attempts at helping. I think I may need to recruit more people to confront her but fear the ramifications. I could bring it up at marriage counseling but that generally doesn't do any good either. She won't say anything at counseling except, "I don't know" then blow up at me afterwards. I can now see that we are paying for marriage counseling but it is only for her to keep up appearances. Once again, I am at a loss. Maybe an intervention is what's needed. If enough people who she knows tell her she needs help, will she finally open her eyes? I can't keep letting her hold me hostage like this. Something needs to change. Through it all, I love her and that will never change. I give her my love freely and unconditionally. She eats it up with a spoon but she doesn't return love to me. That is what hurts the most.
Ljlekan,you remind me,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
you remind me soo much of what I am going through with my ADD husband,I admire how much you love your wife,, the same as I do love my husband,but,there is alot at stake here, the "big" thing about this whole situation is not letting"our" selves "GO" mentally, with all of this,last couple of days I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depressions, and that's b/c I was fighting for change in my DH and no results in the end,, the harder I pushed, pushed, pushed,the more he resented me for it,so I ezzed it in gradually till he finally accepted to see a doctor,starting next week .I have decided to let the relationship take it's natural course in the mean time or maybe right through, and not force anything onto him,and of course letting him know of my intentions to do so, is important,so he don't make wrong accusations,I am not going to focus to much on his negativity rather than the positivity,"like"he just fixed my car, and, or, he helped me with paying a bill, even though I know it's not consistent,things like that,and also I am getting myself into an extra curriculum,like joining a gym and belly dancing it will help "us" with stress especially exercise,but also taking time to enjoy the weekends doing something fun and exciting with him.This has helped us a little before,but,needs more attending to.I know that it can be difficult,very difficult, but hang in there and try not to focus too much on her situation rather looking after yourself first to save yourself from pain and depressions,do something nice for yourself whatever makes you happy.
god bless you
from:lovehurts.
Good advice from lovehurts, and...
Submitted by szgrrl on
From the non-ADD spouse perspective, I think what lovehurts said is pretty spot on. It's easy to spend SO much time and energy on your relationship that you sacrifice your own health and well-being.
So, I've been thinking about this a lot... from the ADD/possibly-narcissistic perspective, you asked what to do. If I was in your wife's reality, this might be what is going on in my head and/or what I am afraid of:
So, I realize those aren't really "action items," but as you are formulating your next steps, the above emotions are what I (the ADD/possibly narcissistic wife) might respond to better than other ways of confrontation.
Keep fighting my friend :)
SZgrrl
She had her ADHD screening today
Submitted by Ljlekan on
She called me to tell me that she had her ADHD screening today. The therapist told her she probably would not need meds and that she seems to have good coping mechanisms in place. There is some further testing to be done but this initial news is disheartening. It reinforces my fears that this is something much more serious. I keep going back to a personality disorder. Particularly NPD.
Today, as we spoke to our son's therapist, I relayed some of the struggles I watched him go though the previous two weeks. My wife proceeded to tell a charming story that, while it included a reference to our son, was basically about her. The therapist laughed at her story and my wife just ate up the positive reaction with a spoon. Now she is at work late wanting to stay at her friend's house even though she told our daughter she would be home. She has been texting me to see if she is sleeping yet. I would ALWAYS come home, it's not even a question.
I think I am going to tell her to think long and hard about whether I am going to be her husband who will support her through this as she seeks help OR that I will need to move on with my life. I want her to choose when she returns from her trip to Baltimore in 2 weeks. Everyone is miserable around her and sick of her total self-centeredness. If she cannot commit to me, she is only using me and will jump ship once she finds someone who will fill her narcissistic supply without pressuring her to change like I do.
I love her but I also love myself and my children. I cannot force her to change.
That's rough :(
Submitted by szgrrl on
Sorry to hear that... I went to my initial psych appointments many years ago by myself, and just recently read that the spouse should really be involved because we ADD/ADHD folks are bad at self-perception. From everything you've said, I'm guessing that's just not really going to happen in the near future. It's also tough because Doctors vary SO MUCH and can range from life-saving to enabling of bad behavior, so who knows what factors are at play in that "diagnosis" of "good coping skills." (From my ADD perspective, I KNOW I could spin a good yarn about how well I "coped"..... ha ha.)
It sounds like the approach of giving her the choice after her trip sounds like what needs to happen for any chance of her facing reality. I would say prepare for the worst (not to be pessimistic, but for self-preservation) and also prepare for hostility and "Fine! Screw you!" at least initially. The defensiveness and possible narcissistic emotions will likely kick in right away and might take quite a bit of time for her to deal with. The emotion will also probably range from defensiveness/hostility to blame, to her breaking down and maybe even acting sorry, but then if you weaken your resolve before she's ready to REALLY ADDRESS THE ISSUES, it will just be more difficult.
Be strong, stand your ground, and post as often as needed for support here... Even writing stuff helps me get out some pent up frustration, and a lot of people here can empathize with what you are going through.
Oh - one more thing - On a different forum topic here today, someone had posted a link from vimeo.com with some videos from a Dr. Barkley on adhd. Some of them were really compelling and described the topic of "executive functioning" in a very detailed way. I watched/listened to a couple of them and might go back when I have some more time, but I found them informative and helpful in my "quest" for balance/health/etc.
Take care, szgrrl
My latest Journal Entry
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I like to journal my thoughts and feelings. My latest entry (this morning) brings me the closest I have ever been to truly leaving my marriage:
I am falling out of love with [my wife]. She is no longer a wife or a lover. She isn't even much of a mother or friend any more. She is someone to be pitied and I do pity her, but she can't be counted on. She is lost. She doesn't even see that she is sick. She is blind to the truth. I have become well and I cannot be manipulated by her any more. She keeps trying. I know she can't help herself, it is hard to change very old habits. My kindness towards her is starting to feel forced. I can't help someone who can't help themselves. She was ruined by her father and her mother. Her father abused her psyche with words and actions (ultimately by not loving her). Her mother overcompensated by spoiling and coddling her (once again, not loving her). The only real love [my wife] has ever received consistently is from her grandmother and from me. Now she won't let me help her. Doing that would be admitting that she needs it and that is too much for her to admit. She is so sick that she truly believes that everyone must love her, must want to be with her, and must show her how much they enjoy her company without her having to do the same. She is narcissistic. I can see her for what she is and it is terrible. I can see why everyone is telling me to get out NOW.
I just see it all the time now. The rage. It always occurs when the kids or I aren't coddling her. She gets mad at those who don't worship her. All she ever talks about is herself. Sure, she can create the illusion that she is talking about others, but she isn't really. Her stories are engineered to fill her need for narcissistic supply (laughing, nodding, approval, etc). She fears losing me, a pawn, not because she gives a damn about me but because she doesn't have someone else to give her unconditional love. The first time she expressed any sort of kindness in the last 6 months is after I told her that we probably weren't going to make it. She texted me, "thinking of you" and left me a card that very next day. Her Narcissistic Supply source was threatened. Once I told her that I was beginning to feel hope again, she reverted right back to her old self. Its as if it is way too hard to be kind to me.
She cannot love. She doesn't even know what love is. How could she? She may think she does, or at least sometimes experiences something she may call love, but it isn't love. This is where any fool can see that she is sick. Love is easy. If she can't get love she goes for pity. She is full of stories that idiots who don't see her for what she is eat up with a spoon. They say, "Poor [my wife]" or "She works so hard" or "She gives so much of herself" etc. She will only be with people who feed her that crap. That's why [name omitted] is her best friend. Her "best" friend will let [my wife] take and take and take and has too low a self-esteem to expect much in return. Sound familiar? That is who I WAS! That is why she married me.
If someone doesn't give her narcissistic supply, she is ruthless. She completely devalues the offender(s). She convinces herself and others that they are clearly defective. A good story that shows this happened a couple weeks ago at her work place. Some women who worked near the top of a set of stairs [my wife] uses regularly asked that [my wife] try to be a little more quiet when using the stairs. You would think that was a harmless, easily accommodated request. Oh No, not with my wife. She had to tell me and several of her "friends" what "bitches" they are. She called them "old" and "fat". She said that she purposely stomped her feet up and down the stairs and encouraged others to do so as well. If one agrees with her = narcissistic supply. If one doesn't (I tried to play devil's advocate) then look out. She "checks out".
She "checks out" in several different ways. She will text others who will agree with her. She will surf websites like Pinterest to see how many new people are "following" her. She will shop Craigslist for motorcycles, knowing full well that I do not agree with her buying a motorcycle. Sometimes, she will just leave. No telling where she is going or what she is going to do, just leaves. She is the biggest coward I know. Before I finally understood this about her, it drove me to depression.
She likes to tell everyone that my depression caused the problems in our marriage. She never really intended to leave. She loves the drama. She wanted me to be a supplier again. Threats of leaving forced me to lavish her with attention out of fear. That is NOT love.
I feel love from my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my Al-Anon group, even from those in the forum I post on and more. I do NOT feel it from [my wife].
So where am I? Is unconditional love and my religious beliefs binding me to her? Does it mean that I can love her but not be with her? What does God think? I deserve happiness. I can see happiness in my sight. [My wife] won't head in that direction. Do I leave her behind? Do I go there and keep reaching back to her? I thought we were pursuing happiness together. 15 years are GONE FOREVER! I WILL NOT ALLOW THE REST OF MY LIFE TO BE WASTED. The only way I stay is if she can humble herself, admit she needs help, puts her ring back on, and puts her faith and trust in me. Outside of that, she is lost. I cannot wait forever.
Holy crud
Submitted by bb2000 on
SZ girl.......
The response to that gentleman just really hit home for me. My husband recently told me I was " narsasistic". I took MAJOR OFFENSE to that statement. I thought that there is no way I am, I m a pretty nice person....well it seems like I my be, to everyone but HIM! So now what do I do? He told me 3 days go that he is " done and can't do IT anymore- although I am unclear as to what IT is) . You described me pretty darn close and that is scary (because I had no idea). Where can I find more information?
The link above and "inability to apologize" article
Submitted by szgrrl on
Hey "B" - The best thing I've read that really opened my eyes is if you follow the link in my initial reply to another post I wrote, and then follow the link in THAT post to that archived article. It was that "Inability to Apologize" article that really blew me away... I was thinking, were these people watching me for the past 20 years??? I found a few other sites that I related to, but mostly I think it opened my eyes to a lot of behaviors, whether I am actually full-blown "narcissistic" or not... From what I've heard, read, and professionals I've talked to, the fact that I even IDENTIFY myself with that behavior is a good sign because the actual clinical narcissist would deny it.
Otherwise, just reading the other posts on this site has really helped me see perspectives I wasn't able or ready to accept from just hearing it from my spouse :).
Hope that helps!
szgrrl
Szgrrl
Submitted by bb2000 on
Did you get help? If so, what kind? I read that info and was crying like a baby......I was like (to an extent) " that's me" . That is NOT WHO I WANT TO BE". We go back to counselor on Monday, I feel I do need to bring this up. It could be exactly what hubby has been saying ( and now I see why it hasn't went through). I'm going to "Just keep swimming" :) chuckle. Thanks......I'll probably post more in the next few days. Going to try to spend as much time with my family this weekend.
Still in progress :)
Submitted by szgrrl on
Hey B -
You don't say how you ended up here - ADD? ADD-spouse? I have the add/adhd and the journey has been long... If you look up some of my posts here from just the last month or so, a LOT has transpired for me/us in the past 9 months... culmination of years of communication issues, marriage crisis, TONNNNNS of counseling, etc. And actually, a BIG part was getting back to church... the old "higher power" thing ;).
Within a week or two period of time about 2 months ago (?), all this stuff just sort of surfaced (including that article) and all of a sudden, EVERYTHING I had been holding onto (anger and resentment at my husband for his "anal communication style," being a big one) basically came crashing down. Basically, for the first time really ever I realized that MAYBE I WASN'T RIGHT. yikes. ;).
I guess that REALLY seeing things for what they were, or for what they even MIGHT be was the first step. My husband still has his own demons to work on, but I finally spread all mine out on the table to look at them... maybe some were spot-on, maybe some weren't (e.g. the narcissism stuff fits, but like I said, a TRUE narcissist wouldn't even entertain the the thought that this person could be THEM).
After reading the narcissism article, I just started thinking about those responses in my communication. As those types of responses would come out, it was pretty easy to see the patterns most of the time. NOT THAT I AM perfect by ANY MEANS now :)... it takes a while to UNlearn 40 years of a type of thinking.
What I try to work on every day is humility. That pride/ego thing is a HUGE obstacle. But when I am humble, admit my mistakes, ask for help, my husband WANTS to slay dragons for me.
szgrrl
Maybe we are similar?
Submitted by bb2000 on
I too have ADHD (I'm a 37 yr old female) husband is not ADHD. My husband told me about 3 days ago he was done and couldnt do it anymore. In my mind, I saw it as giving up (belittled him by telling him he was giving up on his kids) by giving up on US. WHO DOES THAT.? That was so darn cruel of me ( I would have used my regular language, but it is VERY IMPOLITE-cuss words always are). My mind has been on overload ever since I logged on here, but it has been so how do I say Euphoric........like I'm not the only one dealing with the same things. If other people can survive, I can try my hardest to show him how very much I love him ( despite how vulgar I have unconsciously treated him) all of these years.
By the way
Submitted by bb2000 on
How also similar, I also recently admitted to MYSELF.......I AM NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! And tha was HARD, but I think a big step forward. I think you know what I am talking about? And if you don't, that's cool too.
I know what you mean
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I am glad to hear others can see these issues within themselves. It gives me hope. My wife hasn't made it to that realization yet, at least not admittedly. She is coming around, slowly. We went on a date last night to a concert and it went well. We are trying to become friends again and taking it from there. I still hold hope in my heart. The one thing that has helped me most is being able to accept that my wife is Ill and needs help but that I can't make her get help. That has allowed me to let go which, in turn, has helped her. I know it sounds weird but it works. I wish you the best and I am happy to share my experience (as the non-ADHD spouse) with your husband, if he is open to that.
I agree
Submitted by bb2000 on
I agree with you, she has to be the one to want the help. I DO want the help. That was the reason I wanted to see the second counselor int the first place. He is reluctant, but I TOTALLY SEE why now. I have " tricked" him or "cried wolf" for so long, I lost his trust. I want to be the one he can talk to, confid in, and see himself with for the rest of his HAPPY life. I hope it's not to late and I comend YOU for being so patient. I have seen the pain I have caused and I am ASHAMED. it's hard to ADMIT you are NOT who you THINKyou are. Hard pill to swallow. I wish the best of luck. Please keep us posted.
:)
Submitted by bb2000 on
I have to go make him a great dinner and a nice chocolate cake. I will show him everyday it's NOT about ME anymore, it's about US and the kids.
Same page...
Submitted by szgrrl on
"B," Sounds like we're on the same journey. Don't be too hard on yourself though. I have gone back and forth between excited and sad for my life lived so far and the life I will live from now on. It is weird to be in my 40s and just now finding some of these things out.
I have such compassion for Ljlekan because I (think) I have some insight into what his wife feels and what she is doing. And I know how much my husband has suffered from the same type of behavior.
B - it is so great that you are willing to see it. It doesn't make us horrible people. It makes us human. We ALL have our baggage, some is more evident than others. But I believe that God made us this way for a reason, made us choose our mates for a reason.
Keep us posted!
Szgrrl
Thanks
Submitted by bb2000 on
Thanks Szgrrl. :)
Wonder and awe
Submitted by Ljlekan on
I cannot express the pure love and gratitude I am developing for each of you. My quest for personal growth in mind, body, and spirit is enriched by the outpouring of support I am experiencing here. Thank you. I am reminded that there are people who care out there and that is food for my spirit.
I greatly appreciate the reminder to keep looking after my own well being. I easily forget that. I used to give in to my low self esteem all the time and "care" for others at my own expense. I have come to realize that this doesn't do anyone any good. I am no good to others unless I am good to myself first.
I love the suggestions too, especially about having letters written and about reaching out to God. I recently reconnected with my spiritual self. This includes joining a church and meeting with my pastor weekly to counsel me in reconnecting to my faith. My wife is attending with me so far but is already beginning to make "time" excuses as to why she may not be able to make it next time. I will accept that she is there so far as a blessing. I have been trying to keep track of the "good" by journaling. When I am particularly down, I revisit these times in my journal. It helps me regain perspective.
I want to return the love and care you each have given me. I will share something I got from my therapist today that I found enlightening. It is attributed to Marrianne Williamson, but that is up for debate. It goes like this, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens most of us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
This goes along with one of the Personal Bill of Rights (http://www.adoptionhealing.com/PersonalBillofRights.html) that I relate to right now, "I have the right to be healthier than those around me". These two pieces help me remember not to lose myself in all of this madness.
once again, Thank You. Please reach out to me in your times of need as I will continue to reach out to you. God Bless.
Thanks for the kind words ...
Submitted by szgrrl on
Thanks Ljlekan :)... I have mostly been on the "replying" side so far here in the forum, but many of the posts I've read have made a huge impact on me as well, and same for my husband.
It is invaluable to read comments from ADD & Non-ADD people to both share what we're going through, and see it through the eyes of others who we're not so intimately entwined with :)... Helps look at things more rationally.
Thanks for the quote and resource. I'll check them out.
szgrrl
"I have the right to be healthier than those around me".
Submitted by jennalemon on
Aha...... That is so helpful. If someone sad or needy or troubled is around me, I had thought I must go into the trenches with them in the name of love, connection, compassion and being a part of humanity. "I have the right to be healthier than those around me" is not selfish or haughty, it is claiming your own true self and being the best you can be even when around others who are not doing so well. I grew up with the admonishment "Never think you are better than others". I got that good message mixed up in my mind, not permitting myself to be mentally healthier than others. I shared his problems with him. I stood in church and the minister announced, "Now the two of you become one". Now I see that my heartache source is that he seems to detach himself from anything unpleasant and I am figuratively left alone feeling alone and betrayed. He becomes "one" with whatever and whoever is in the moment and pleasant, while I have been tied emotionally, physically and morally to the relationship that feels so empty to me. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. Thank you for that.