So, I SWEAR my husband has ADHD pretty bad and he not only gets mad at me if i suggest it but he tells me all psychologists are crazy and ADHD is made up. He is 30 years old and should know better than that.
Anyway, I think he is ADHD bc when i was seeing a therapist last year, mostly about dealing with some issues regarding my parents, I'd mention anecdotes about my husband in passing and my therapist chimed in "your husband is ADHD isn't he?" and i said i didn't know and went on with my story....but then when I was home later that evening I googled ADHD and was FLOORED at how close to home the traits of an ADHD person hit....like, all these stories had totally explained to me why my husband who is otherwise a sweet, caring, well-intnetioned person, can get very abrasive and difficult with not only me, but with other people, too. When i brought all this up to him and explained it, he told me i was picking on him and that i was just trying to act like hes a "flawed person" and all that. He expressed resentment that I had ordered a couple ADHD books online recently (which i havent read yet) It was frustrating (and i explained this to him)....i told him for me to say "you have ADHD" and read the books, online stuff, etc WAS NOT picking on him, that in fact, it was the opposite - that I understood him the best and loved him easier and handled things better when i focusd on that stuff bc it was something that "explained" his behavior, and that the more i understood him the better off we'd be..... he gave me this terse and shortsighted response..."if you dont understand something about me just ask."
The additional facet to all of that is if HE got over looking at this as some absurd attempt to attack his character and criticize him using some psychological fake diagnoses, and actually read some of the stuff i have, I think he'd understand that yes, he has caused some undue angst on my part, his parents, friends, etc., and that it's ok that it happens as long as he understands it and tries to handle things a little better. He refuses to admit that there is a problem. There is a problem when I have the opinion that I love this man dearly but if i could go back in time and do it all over again I wish we hadn't met, or kept dating, bc someitmes i feel like my love isn't enough to endure given how difficult he can be. I also know that the stuff that his parents had issue with are also along the similar ADHD lines (even though they dont know about ADHD or think of it like that) and his mom has confided in me about the things he does that anger or frustrate them, but she tells me she doesnt say anything bc she doesnt want to upset him......
An excellent example of needless arguing/combativeness was just now when i left for lunch....i called him to tell him that I ordered this 10x10 canopy for us to take with us on camping and he can use it for the team he coaches too, on the sidelines....it was on sale plus i had a gift card so i got it for cheap. He said that was good, yeah that would be useful. I told him the only thing was that it doesnt come with hold downs, but that tent stakes or weights were an option, and so i figured we could figure that out once it came in.....people online said weights were good but tent stakes would be just as useful for our purposes, whatever.....(in other words, we will need to get hold downs, too, and i couldnt care less how we do it, im just mentioning we will need to get hold downs of some sort).
Well he starts arguing intensely and vehemently as to why tent stakes are what we need and why weights are not a good idea. He sounds angry and impatient, exclaiming things like "THERE IS NO WAY IM GOING TO BOTHER WITH CARRYING WEIGHTS AROUND IN THE CAR WHEN WE CAN JUST USE TENT STAKES!"., etc. At this point i am (as i so often am) upset and confused as to his angry tone and as to why i am sitting on the phone listening to a tirade over something when it's not like i remotely care what we do or anything, so why in the world is he wound up and arguing for tent stakes like hes arguing before the supreme court?!?! It's confusing, and odd, and its like the second hes turned on that switch, im on eggshells....
so then after sitting silently listening to that i go, well, ok, we can do whatever, they are both options.....and he cuts me off and goes on about it a little more.....and then i agian say "ok, thats find, whatever you want to do im fine with....." and at this point hes so angry he goes "I NEED TO GO! i am working and have shit to do!"
This is my problem....the tone....saying that....you'd think that i had called and started an argument about tent stakes and then was keeping him from work. no, i innocently called to tell him i ordered something and can weigh it down whatever way we want, and i was pretty much done with the convo at that point...he was the one that gets wound up over nothing and keeps me on the phone for a few extra minutes going on about tent stakes and then suddenly DEMANDS we get off the phone as if i am the one keeping him from work.....i dont understand it. In imilar situations sometimes ill say something like "ok, well im not arguing with you i agree with you" and he will respond "you WERE arguing with me" to which i think my head will explode bc how is it possible that I am arguing about particular things where i know with 100% certainty i had no opinion at all to argue about??? But in this case i didnt say "im not arguing with you" or anything....when he exasperatedly says the thing about how he has to go bc he has shit to do, i literally just hung up on him.
i know i shouldnt do that but like, i just want to get away...i dont want to say one word to a person acting like that...in fact i wished i couldve hung up and ran for the hills the second he started off on a tent stake tirade. So yeah, that is just one of a millioon examples....and somehow im the bad guy when i didnt do anything.
I have been in a few long term relationships before this and i was never compbative or argumentative over trivial stuff - not petty, nothing...like, i cant tell you how often i get blamed for "starting arguments" when i genuinely didn't, and it feels so unfair.....and god forbid i actually DO have a genuine issue....discussing ACTUAL disagreemtns/conflicts/issues with him is impossible...
tent stakes
Submitted by Standing on
Interesting comment....
Submitted by kathy1208 on
I find something you said very interesting....when you said the "assigning motivation" thing. However much my husband can be a pain in the butt he totally and completely gets these traits from his father - who is far more intense and difficult.
Something I have noticed his dad do which is so infuriating....if someone is making noise - notably, his mom in the kitchen....he will get irritated and say she is doing it "to get attention." I thought this strange. The other day my husband calls his parents IN the middle of us making dinner for some guests that were about to come over - so naturally I just kept making dinner and going about my business, as did my husband who talked to his dad while he chopped something.....and at one point I grabbed a pan out from underneath another one...and then a few minutes later I was filling up the water pitcher. Both times his dad questioned what the noise was in the background, and when my husband told him, my father in law did the same thing...he makes a comment to my husband that I was "engaging in attention-seeking behavior." I have no clue if my husband would agree or disagree with that logic as I have never seen him say that, but at the same time, my father in laws comment, this time directed toward me, was especially infuriating.....
I thought....WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? My motivation for getting a pot out of the drawer or filling a pitched with water is that I am preparing food for guests....the fact that these activities caused noise was merely an ancillary effect to that. WHY in gods name would i feel like i need to get attention from my husband and if so why in the world would i do it that way? Like, my motivation was to freaking finish dinner,.....and normally i wouldnt make a ton of noise and come in the room making noise if he was in the middle of a conversation, but in this case my HUSBAND chose to call his parents back while we had stuff to do, and so that was all on him.
So yeah, your comment regarding them misreading motivations of other people really struck me...bc of that. It almost comes off as narcissistic or paranoid to interpret someone who is truly minding their own business as doing something to garner your attention, disturb you, etc. My husband is only half as bad as his dad, thank god - if i had to deal with that type of crap as much as his mom I wouldve lost it a long time ago!
Projection?
Submitted by Standing on
My first thought is - maybe that is how your f-i-l would handle such a situation... by making noise to get attention? Sounds to me like a case of - when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
What I have experienced is - there is very little (if any) space within my husband's scope of awareness
for others as complete individuals with separate needs, desires, thoughts, motivations, or anything else.
If he does happen to observe you doing something "neutral", he immediately tries to calculate a way for him to personally benefit from whatever you are doing. If he sees no personal gain to be had, he is flat out not interested.
Scenario a) How might I get something from you now?
b) How might I butter you up in order to get something from you later?
c). You bore me. I am far too busy with my own important mental activities to notice you.
d). I need mental stimulation, so i will focus on your activities and nitpick them to shreds.
e). You have failed to provide me instant gratification, so now i shall sulk or tantrum.
Yep, that's about it.
I'm impressed!
Submitted by c ur self on
This is by far the most accurate and reveling post I've ever read on this forum about a mind that is stuck in self absorption mode...based on my life experiences....Good Job Standing!
dichotomy of caring
Submitted by kathy1208 on
I agree!!! I see in my husband all at once an INCREDIBLY SELFISH guy and an INCREDIBLY CARING guy.
He tries like hell to make me happy, to do things for me and the sake of our family, our future, etc. - he does a LOT....but.....he does it all in the way he sees fit. If my needs conflict with what he saw as "doing things in our best interest" he doesnt have the ability to step outside his "plan of action" and adapt.
So it's weird, and frustrating, bc all at once I can see the million and one ways that he tries to do things for me and us, but also see a million and one ways in which his rigidity and insistence on doing things HIS WAY only has caused him to put my needs on the backseat.
It's why I feel like all at once my husband can be kind of a big caring loving guy but also a big a-hole, depending on what set of circumstances he's dealing with. It's why when im NOT happy with something he's done, he gets SO DEFENSIVE and frustrated and acts like im putting him down when all he is trying to do in his eyes is whats best for us. It's like he doesnt get that part of doing things for other people is to do stuff you dont want to do or that you didnt contemplate as something that would be good or helpful or needed, he questions why THAT is what the persons needs are and doesnt deliver. if that makes sense..... it makes him seem selfish when he isn't totally selfish, just selfish in the ways he tries to approach to meeting other peoples needs.
Kathy, I hope yall can work through this, us too;)
Submitted by c ur self on
So, It's like he is loving you to death, and your missing it all...I'm afraid I've down this very same thing...and felt the rejection and hopelessness when it didn't mean anything to her. My mind works around service and reasonability...Her's works around Fun and leisure....