My spouse has ADHD as well as other things (anxiety, depression, ??). He is a full-time caregiver for his elderly parents. An example of what this entails is that his mother, who has Alzheimer's disease, needs assistance with toileting, and she is resistant to the diaper and clothing changes. Meanwhile, his father, who also has health issues but is mentally competent, is, like my husband, depressed and feels hopeless.
I would like to help them out. I have offered assistance and information several times. Yesterday, on the last day of a trip to see one of our daughters, a trip that I arranged not only so that I could see my daughter but so that my husband could have a break from caregiving, I once again asked my husband if there is anything I can do to help. And he said once again, as he has done a few times this year, "Shoot them."
I know this is venting. I know my husband won't harm himself or his parents. But he is suffering, his parents are suffering, and he and his father are, in the fashion of depressed people everywhere, both uninterested in doing things on their own and resistant to receiving help from other people.
Any thoughts?
Oh, my!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
From my own life's experience of watching my Mother caretake my grandmother, my in-laws caretake first my Father-in-Law, and then my Mother-In-Law, regardless of your spouse's own issues - he needs Caretaker Respite. Seriously. My mother was adamant that no one could care for her Mother the way she could - not even her 2 sisters. It was hard to watch. I love my Mom from here to the Moon and back - but it hurt my heart to watch her frustration and impatience with my Grandma.
In my own opinion, no matter how much a son loves his mother, it is extremely difficult on both the son and his Mom, for the son to be taking care of her toileting issues.
Does not his Mother's physicians have any input? Gosh, these situations are how unintended cases of elder abuse spawn. Please, this is no judgment on your spouse, but a concern that should be looked at closely, since you asked opinions.
Does your county in your state have a Council on Aging? They have many resources that could be of assistance. It usually takes someone outside the family to 'insist' that help/intervention is a necessity for all involved. This is a very positive thing - not a case of accusations. I would assume, based on other posts, that it would not be received well by your spouse. They would probably have help with that discussion too!
Liz
Thank you! I appreciate your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you! I appreciate your response. What do you think of the following plan? My husband keeps saying he'll call the local aging-resources agency but he hasn't yet done so. Is it too much like an ultimatem to ask him to call the agency by a certain date and to say that if he doesn't do so, I will call on his behalf?
All I can think of
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
It is extremely hard for me to know what to say - as my own life is so involved in egg-shell walking and discerning when to say what, what not to say, and what is worth saying at all.
That said, it may be an idea to let him know how you respect all he is doing for his parents, and you see how burned out he is getting. It would not work to 'ask,' because if he says, "No," then you would just be going against his wishes. Coming up with a way to state your intentions of calling on such and such a day to gather information, will give him ample opportunity to call prior to you - if that is his desire.
Asking always got me in a pickle. Now I state my intentions - and if I get any flack from my spouse, I remind him with a chuckle, what I learned from the TV show the Waltons: "You're not the boss of me ol' man."
Liz
Great idea! Thank you again.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Great idea! Thank you again.
spouses hopelessness and misery
Submitted by evergreen on
Rosered- My spouse is also adhd spouse, and is constantly saying very negative and depressing things about his family. He is adhd, depressive, isolates himself, AA, list goes on... There is rarely a positive comment out of his mouth until we are in bed. He has sucked me into his work life and I am clawing out of that.
His mom is not at the level of your spouses', but probably will be there soon.
Here is what I am doing now. I am literally not listening. I basically ignore 90 percent of what he says. I just smile and don't listen, and let it go in and out. If I listen I basically go crazy.
I have 2 very awesome but needy young adults in my life. I have a trial attorney ex. I had been single for 11 years (3 main boyfriends..) prior to meeting Mr. Right - and after a year of marriage I found this blog/ website - and I read the book. Read the book, it is GREAT.
He has a number of excellent qualities, but most of what I have learned about him, after a major 'rush' courtship / engagement and elopement - is that he has this adhd thing and I don't
My marriage - on a scale of 1-10 , is around a 2 on a daily basis and a 7 on a nightly basis- give or take.. Life is life, and if I were you, you give what you can and more importantly you take care of yourself.