As spouses/partners go...aren't the Impulsive and Inattentive/Impulsive types the most difficult to live with?
What are your opinions?
(I know this isn't a contest for "which is worst"...lol...but when reading some posts about whether a NonADHD person should run for the hills when confronted with an ADHD dating partner, I think one of the biggest consideration should be whether the Impulsive element is there and how THAT manifests itself. )
While I can understand that living with a pure Inattentive would be annoying if you were being ignored, but it seems (to me) that the Impulsive element in the other two types seems to be the most challenging, damaging, and more prone to be abusive.
When you consider how the Impulsive behaviors manifest: risky behaviors, flying by the seat of their pants, verbal and physical outbursts, immature behaviors, horrible with money, impulsive spending, physical responses (throwing/breaking things in anger), poor planners, driving too fast.....these are all things that not only are difficult to live with...but are often abusive (mentally, emotional, or physical)
That said, I know that the Inattentive type (either alone or combined with Impulsive) can be dangerous if you need them to watch children, small children especially.
Thoughts?
thoughts?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
anyone?
It's like asking if it's worse to be punched or kicked, eh?
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
I've never pondered this before...May I ask what prompts you to pose the question?
Chez moi:
Inattentiveness Greatest Hits (abridged version):
1. H picks up phone call from my tenant, informing him that she is moving out in 3 weeks. H has a pleasant "best of luck" convo w/her--unaware, of course, that the lease requires this info be given in writing and that more advance notice be given. After this lovely conversation in which he gives her fatherly advice about moving and new chapters in life, H hangs up happily, without ever telling me about the call!...THREE WEEKS LATER, as I'm trying to get H and my son off on the drive to boarding school (don't ask bc that school was a nightmare for then undiagnosed ADHD son...) the tenant calls to tell me they are leaving today and want their security deposit and to drop off the keys!!! OMG!!! As son and husband drive off, I rush to find the lease, (breaking my toe in the process as I trip on furniture). Left alone to deal with it all, I hobble to the apartment, get keys back, point out lease provision, and in an attempt to put this to rest, take the high road and offer tenant a partial refund of security (thank goodness, the money was in the checking account--hardly a month to month given). BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN AWARE OF SITUATION, I have not shown the apartment, and so have no tenant. This is September--when people who have looked in August are now moving to the city for school, or to time a career move with when to best move their kids. Prime time to get a tenant at great market value. However...I must now find a realtor...make repairs to the apartment like replacing appliances plus general upkeep to get the place presentable because my tenant has left a mess and the departure is just too chaotic for me to demand the rooms be left in broom-clean condition...and then it takes time to show the place...try to get a tenant approved by the co-op board, etc. Suddenly, we're into that period between Thanksgiving and New Year's when no one ever moves and so I do not have a tenant until January. And since there is less demand for an apartment then, I rent at a significantly lower rate...I put the loss at somewhere over $15,000.00...AND BECAUSE NO DISASTER is ever finished without a coda: Two days before Christmas, the old tenants haul me into small claims court for the rest of "their" deposit money! Husband need not face any of this, because he doesn't own the apartment, nor appear on the lease. (Surely it would be the Non-ADHD spouse who'd come to the marriage with financial investments, eh?) The Hanging Judge hates landlords; barely reads the lease; listens to the former tenant wax on about my lovely husband who would do repairs and take a grandfatherly interest in her and what a beautiful send-off he gave her when she called to say she was moving and he assured her that the telephone notice was more than enough since she was so busy with her relocation. Judge seems to find it significant that husband has not come with me--would you risk bringing an ADHD spouse who will say anything, and cannot read people, into court with you? And, truthfully, I was a mess in court, listening to that, reeling from the financial loss and not sure how I'd now pay our son's tuition, facing the hostility of the Judge, and it's Christmas and...oh BTW..my husband had also gotten himself fired that week. So maybe we lost in court bc I didn't present the case clearly. Everything is ultimately the fault of the non-ADHD spouse.
2. Grand Theft Auto--when he forgot to lock the door of the new car.
Examples 3 through 987,4534,608,400 omitted
IMPULSIVITY GREATEST HITS (Abridged)
1. He has a sweet gig as a tenured professor living in a dorm. In reality, this means I do 99% of the work--coming up with programs, managing the budget, etc. He shows up for maybe 10% of the events and acts professorial. One night, after a grueling work day plus raising our kids, I am making a big poster for an upcoming event bc the student assigned to make it flaked out. DH is aghast that I am on the floor with poster board and markers, making a banner near midnight. Does he get on the floor to help me finish? Of course not. I am too absorbed in my task to notice he has slipped out of the apartment to track down the student and give the kid a piece of his mind. I never, ever learn what he said to this young man. I do know the conversation was reported to an Assistant Provost, so when I found myself in Small Claims Court near Christmas (see above), I also knew that our contract at the dorm had been terminated with us out of the job by semester's end.
Examples 2-986.435,299,056 omitted.
Hard to pick one form of disaster over another. I've probably written about some of this before. My DH would tell you that's because I "never let go of anything". It's true that there are manymanymany more recent tortures I could share, but these two examples seem to speak so clearly to your question.
I'm sad you feel an urge to ask your question. I understand there is a parallel universe somewhere in which spouses don't think about stuff like this...
"May I ask what prompts you to pose the question?"
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
What prompted this question was earlier questions about whether someone should "run for the hills" if they're dating someone with ADHD.
My older son has some ADHD (inattentive) but I don't think anyone should run for the hills. He's very nice, never yells, isn't argumentative, very hard worker, educated, makes very good money, thoughtful, generous, but very good with money. He just gets focused on something....can't put a book down (well, he will to go to work), gets "addicted" to a game, sport, interest, hobby, etc, but it doesn't prevent him from doing stuff that he has to do....and he is social.
Yikes!!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm not sure that your H doesn't also have the impulsive trait, given that he went off on that student and he gave that tenant advice.....and also you can't trust him in court ( I wouldn't be able to trust my H in court either because he would say the wrong thing (he has little/no filter and has no clue how certain things will sound or "come off" to a judge or authority figure. I typically have to "go over" with him what he can and can't say when we have to deal with important stuff with others).
I hope you've added a clause (that the tenants must sign/initial) that states that YOU are the only person that they can deal with, and that no one else (including your H) can speak for you in any circumstances.
I own rentals and I only give out my cell phone so that the tenants never speak to H....EVER. H would never be able to consider the ramifications of whatever a tenant might request.
Cycles...and the Hope of Breaking Cyckles
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Having a spouse with ADHD vs. having a son with it...
We can become like Sisyphus, if we are not careful. We are overwhelmed...which makes us grateful for help from the spouse...which leads to more disaster....because we are overwhelmed due to the actions of the spouse... Yes, I learned my costly lesson--husband is not allowed anywhere near that rental, not even to take a plunger to the toilet. Better to pay the handyman a few bucks or do it myself, and not risk the tenants building any kind of relationship with my husband. Similarly, I do all the taxes, interface with kids' school. Everything.
And, like you, I have these beautiful sons, whom I love so much and hope for so much. I don't know if the older one will land in a happy marriage someday--he attracts lovely young women, but they come and go, and whatever he may be feeling, he does not share. He is beyond inattentive to me, his mother. Were it not for his multiple afflictions--ADHD, Executive Functioning problems, hopefully temporary depression, the mess he's made of college which he now must lick his wounds over--I'd spend more time on his manners. But I'm prioritizing the battles to wage daily.
The younger son, having had a front row seat to the chaos of both his father and his brother, seems to be working very hard to understand his ADHD. Right now, he seems the more likely candidate to someday find a happy relationship. But mothers don't decide this, and my older one has a long road ahead...so anything might happen...hopefully...
BTW both are very level-headed about money. Odds are they'll get SOMETHING from the Mom genes...
My mother-in-Iaw is deceased. I longed for advice from her--some comfort, some insight, anything. But she made a different bargain with the devil--maybe this is generational? She endured all. She never complained. She allowed herself to be uprooted and followed/enabled every whim of her blowhard, privileged, narcissistic money-wasting ADHD husband. From my vantage point, hearing details of family history which seemed to horrify only me, she threw both of her afflicted children under the bus, in order to serve her husband. What did she get out of it? They created a myth of the Perfect Family, no matter what. No kidding--the family toast at Christmas was, "Who's Better Than Us?!" When I arrived on the scene, there was first tremendous relief that new blood (and money, and energy) had arrived to take care of everybody. Then, when disaster followed disaster in my marriage...and my children seemed to be afflicted...and I needed answers...I was the canary in the coal mine...and shunned. Denial is a sweet drug, especially for those only vaguely aware they have failed themselves and others: I was just that outsider who harshed their mellow; who wouldn't drink the Kool-Aid, with or without the Family Toast. My mother-in-law clung to the outward appearance of position. Consequently, she died far from her friends, a widow alone, with limited finances...everything I'm working so hard not to become...even if escaping sometimes requires unladylike action.
And speaking of "unladylike action", I notice this generation of girls is fiercer than mine. Perhaps that will motivate our ADHD sons to own their challenges and strategize ways to cope responsibly....
My husband is primarily
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband is primarily inattentive, and it certainly seems less physically dangerous than having a spouse with impulsive traits. On the other hand, I think that outsiders (i.e., anyone other than me, the spouse) have a hard time seeing the manifestations of inattentiveness and so wonder what I'm upset about. In my husband's case, manifestations include him not doing any of the financial things for the family, years of unemployment, months of total lack of communication, getting speeding tickets, being accused of sexual harassment, not anticipating issues and thus leaving them to me, the very attentive spouse. His family thinks he's a saint for taking care of his elderly parents; he told me, but not his siblings, about health issues his parents have had that he chose to ignore.
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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years of unemployment, months of total lack of communication, getting speeding tickets, being accused of sexual harassment, not anticipating issues and thus leaving them to me, the very attentive spouse.
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The speeding tix seem a bit impulsive unless you're only talking about a couple over a period of many years.
I don't see how outsiders woudn't see a problem when a man has "years of unemployment." That is a huge red flag that something is wrong with a man.
What is the "sexual harassment" issue.
There were two speeding
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
There were two speeding tickets within 12 months; one more, and his license would have been suspended, and it actually was briefly suspended because he didn't pay a fine.
I think that people forget about the unemployment because we survived financially. But it was horrendous for me. I didn't think we would survive. And my husband made it worse, by implying that it was my fault that he didn't look for work while unemployed. During the first (six-years) period of unemployment, he did obviously eventually apply for jobs. Since being fired six years ago, for causing an accident because of being inattentive, he hasn't applied for any jobs. His job for his parents was given to him by his dad.
Sexual harassment: a nurse at the clinic where my husband briefly saw a psychiatrist told her boss that my husband had made inappropriate comments to her. The psychiatrist/boss sent my husband a letter about it.