Ok I can't seem to let go of this. For the last 3 months we have been working at our marriage. Counseling, medication and daily talks. I have worked on personal issues and changing the way I respond to him. It has been a difficult and painful journey. We were starting to have some good times together - starting to feel like we were beginning to connect again. I began to open myself/feelings up to him again. Building up trust that had been lost so long ago.
Then about 4 weeks ago things began to change. Instead of him not being able to sleep - he was sleeping 7pm to 6 or 7am for 2 weeks straight. Then he began to start adhering to a more normal schedule, offering to help out more, there were even times where we were actually laughing with each other again! Things that I had thought were signs of improvement for us. So, when some of his old behaivors began to peek out every once in awhile, I made excuses for them and figured that I needed to try harder to not let things bother me. Then last week, my ADD spouse, after a weekend of on and off behavior issues and an argument with our 13 yo son (where spouse was completely in the wrong on the arguement!) I finally had to speak to him about it. So during our daily conversation time I mentioned to him that his comments were hurtful, and making our son feel bad and stupid - I know that he doesn't mean to make him feel that way and that he doesn't like the words he uses, BUT unless he is made aware that his words and actions are negatively effecting our son I feel that he is never going to change his ways and really hurt son's confidence and their relationship. Well, during our discussion about the situation with he and son - he just didn't/wouldn't understand that he was way off base and simply wrong in his assumption. He admits that his choice of words was wrong and apologized for them, but refuses to understand that the way he viewed the conversation was just plain wrong - there was no getting through to him.
Well, as we continued to speak and I explained that I have noticed in the past few days that the "mean tone" was starting to come back in his voice and being so short with us when speaking to us, beginning to spend more and more time in the garage - is there something happening that he wanted to talk about? Maybe something that we could work on together? After a few minutes of silence, he says"Ok, don't get mad but, I have been off my meds (all meds, heart condition, cholestorel, ect) for about 4 weeks. And I think that Im doing better. I don't like that meds and its not fair that I have to take meds and you don't." Okay, first of all I don't have ADD/ADHD or any other medical reasons to take medication - so why would I take meds?
Needless to say, I did get mad - then about 5 seconds later, I was hurt. I mean really, really hurt! I told him that I felt betrayed by his decision to not tell me. That he had his counselor or primary doctor to reach out to about his meds - to consult with - but he choose to not take them and not tell anyone about it. And that med's are just one leg of the 3 legged stool - of which we had been working so hard at! He thought it wasn't a big deal and stated "Well I started back on all my meds today - its not like I'm giving up" as though that made it okay. I told him that it is his choice weather or not to take the meds - not mine and I wasn't going to force him to do one or the other. He then said that he was going to make an appt with his dr to see what other med's he could try. I wished him the best of luck in finding what he is looking for. He was mad at me and said "Oh I will!" He didn't understand that it wasn't that he wasn't taking the med's that I was so hurt by, it was the fact that he (1) hid it for over a month and (2) didn't use the resources that his has available to him (those that do not have to include me).
He did apologize the next night - which I accepted. But I am having such a difficult time trying to trust him again. I feel like Im greiving over this loss of trust. I believe that his apology was sincere - as was my acceptance of it.
How do I begin to open up again? How do I begin to trust again? Am I making a bigger deal out of this then need be?
Is it possible that the meds
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Is it possible that the meds were making him feel bad phyically and he was afraid to tell you he wanted to stop? It is VERY hard, especially when you feel like you're on the right track and things are improving, to find out that they've 'changed' the course of action. I can see where this would feel like a huge betrayal of the 'new' trust you're trying to have in him. HOWEVER...there is a chance that the 'lie' (hiding that he quit his meds) was 'rationalized' in his mind as something he had to do to either protect himself from your anger or to feel like he had some sort of control over his life.
I would breathe....go to him and thank him for being honest with you about stopping the medication...explain that you want him to be comfortable with and feel good about what he's taking...and that you hope the doctor can help him decide what he can take that will make him feel better. I would also ask that he please be honest with you and keep you in the loop about what he's taking and how he is feeling about it...and promise to support him as long as he keeps in mind that medication is an important part of treatment. If you've seen improvements in his behavior (less 'snappiness') then point that out too..maybe saying something like "I really like how you seem much more at ease on the medication, I LOVE being able to laugh with you and I am really hopeful that you'll find something that is right for you...even if it takes time and some trial-and-error."
Just try and be supportive. Do NOT see each 'slip up' as 'the end of the world'. Even if it was a month too late, he was honest about stopping the meds...it is a good sign that he felt the need to tell you and maybe even hints that he recognizes that it might have been a mistake.
Being patient while my husband tries different medications has been a very very tough thing for me. We had several months of ZERO fighting (not zero issues, we just dealt with it without fighting) but as soon as he started meds, that changed. He isn't naturally angry, but became extremely irritable and combative (couldn't get through to him on any issues, as you described above) when starting meds. Even when I tried to be honest and report my observations, he reacted horribly to it. He's on a different medication now, and I'm seeing some things on it that worry me too..but I'm trying to be patient. We never know what the changes are going to be like and the first medication made him feel HORRIBLE physically. Just bare with him. Take a deep breath and just see what the doctor says.