I'm new to the forum but recognize shades of my domestic partner in all of your postings. He has the inattentive form of ADHD - the kind where he is completely uncommunicative. Like everyone else the relationship started out amazing - he was sweet, kind , thoughtful, I was fooled into thinking he was the kind of man I could marry. Of course, the second we moved in together he became a completely different person. He never even told me he has ADHD until I figured it out and confronted him. Even then he refuses to discuss it. He is a healthcare provider but refuses to treat his condition with anything other than supplements.
My relationship is incredibly lonely in that ADHD is such an odd condition that my friends don't believe it's a "real" thing and I am just pathetically making excuses for him. I have read everything I could to try to understand that he has a kind of disability - to feel compassion for him. But He refuses to have any conversations with me about anything negative and will just leave the room and turn up the TV to drown out my crying.
He does all of the things that truly make me wonder if he's just simply a selfish, lazy, liar. Like many in the forum he has been caught many times online pursuing other women to the point I don't even look and wonder anymore, I just assume it's on-going, He lies constantly to avoid conflict or to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. I can't even get a straight answer out of him if he's paid the cable bill!nhe treats other people just as badly and doesn't seem to have any moral compass when it comes to the "right thing to do"
I receive little to no affection -he won't hold my hand of Kiss me on the mouth. He will dismiss my feelings or concerns. It's a lot like living with a resentful teenager where everything is a chore, annoyance or imposition on him.
There are positive things about him and ways that he enriches my life. But mostly I feel lonely and dismissed at best - angry, exhausted and resentful at worst.
it is gratifying to know that I'm not the only person who is going through this - but honestly why does anyone stay in these relationships?!
I question myself every day and feel a deep shame.
Why I stay...
Submitted by By my fingernails on
I stay because, while I would get sole custody, he would still get visitation rights, and I do not trust him with our baby. I'm waiting until she's old enough to accurately report what's going on so that I can feel more comfortable.
I stay because being a solo parent is really challenging. I did it for 30 days while he was in treatment and while he adds very little to our lives, by having a second person in the house it literally does make things easier for me. I have room to breathe and can get things done and make time for fun stuff on weekends rather than constantly working, doing chores, and maintenance.
I stay because he's supposed to get an inheritance from his grandma who is in extremely poor health and I need to be sure that I can collect the money that he owes me because otherwise it'll disappear before I can get it to pay off the debts that he accrued in our joint names.
I stay because being a solo parent with a baby is very very very lonely. They nap a lot and don't have the ability to do things with friends yet, so you wind up very isolated. When she's older and we can do things with other families I'll be less isolated. And when she has friends and is over at their homes I'll have the opportunity to get my haircut, or have downtime without paying a babysitter. So right now, while weekends are finding the right timing to be able to do something fun, I'm able to work out or meet a friend for coffee on a Saturday morning because he's home, and if he wasn't there I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.
I stay because I do have a tiny bit of hope that he will, in fact, actually make money and make our lives more fun and easy. Though I'm not holding my breath...
A long time ago I stayed because I believed him when he told me things and I believed in his dreams - now I know how empty all of that is... but I stay, in the short term, for me. And won't in the long term.
Why I stay
Submitted by where to go on
I feel for you, I know what you are going through. It is not easy, it is not pretty.
Yes, solo parents have it hard. I was there. After my first beat me up, second turned to have ADHD, and some issues. At least he takes care of baby when you want to go out. I did not have it. HE would not want to help me at all, He would always say: " I have something else to do...". so I could not do anything on my own. Nothing. I was stuck at home, or with baby, and then toddler everywhere. JHE did not want to go out as family, it was either him and the child or me and the child. And the child did not really wanted that, she was begging for us to go together.
SO if you can get out, you have to make really good decision. WHat you can do, what you want...what is best for you and your child.
wishing you the best.
Because...
Submitted by Jenna72 on
I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences. I am lucky in that my fiance wants to kiss me, touch me, etc... If he gets too focused on something else, I will say something that makes him laugh, and he then he kisses me and spends a few minutes giving me attention.... It took me a few months to make him aware of how he is - the fact that he can become so engrossed in what he's doing, he forgets I'm there! In the beginning, there was a time where he ignored me when I was crying. I reminded him of that every time we had a disagreement, for months. He eventually apologized, and with the help of a therapist, slowly started to realize that his behaviour was seen by me as mean. He did not mean to hurt me - he just didn't realize how his behavior affected me. It's not easy for him to be self-aware, but I am starting to see positive changes in him lately, and I am hopeful.
Hang in there - make sure to take care of yourself if you don't feel he is taking care of you.... And try to get him to see how his behaviour makes you feel - maybe enlist the help of a therapist?
because
Submitted by where to go on
you are in first stage of relationship. everything was so wonderful for me, but after 3 years things changed. slowly.
Maybe your man does not have ADHD. It does not look lke in my experience. Mine will not go to therapy, he is perfect, everything is my fault, i mean everything. Make sure about his condition tho.
Men generally do not like to see woman crying.
But the other properties of ADHD and Autistic person are killing in long run.
Why I stay
Submitted by where to go on
I have no way out in my situation. It is money. he holds it all. I have nothing right now.
I wonder why in the world I ruined my life, why did I marry him? Why did he marry, when he wants to live as single, control everything, not to appreciate anything I do? WHY we do this to ourselves?
To get married we need a marriage license, have blood test....It should be mandatory to have mental health test, to know if someone has ADHD or Autism...
Where to go...Do we really want the answer?...LOL
Submitted by c ur self on
(I wonder why in the world I ruined my life, why did I marry him? Why did he marry, when he wants to live as single, control everything, not to appreciate anything I do? WHY we do this to ourselves?)
If we really answer this question you have posed...it will expose to much of who we are:(....
I think it's a mix of things for me....1) I was impatient, my children were grown and happily married, so I wanted a wife to love and share the rest of my time on this earth with...(Had lost my previous wife of 30 years with breast cancer when she was 49.) 2) Ignorance about ADD, and it's effects on people. 3) Also I'm hard headed, and you can't tell me anything once my mind is made up. Always learning the hard way:(....I listen much better now LOL....
She was 46 and had never been married, had quit dating around 40 or so, and was resigned to live alone...She told me she had prayed for the Lord to send her a Christian husband for years...She also raised two children on her own...And I think she just loved the idea of being a wife..(wonder if she will ever find out what that's like :(, sorry!) .And, to be honest I loved the idea of being her Knight in shining armor...Boy was I naive:(
We do fine as long as I don't place any expectations on her...I just accept her like she is...As long as I try to stay self-aware and take full responsibility for my own emotions, and my own issues, set boundaries, and not enable, we do fine.
My marriage isn't going to resemble one where both parties live responsibly and accountable to their roles as a husband and wife...I tried to force it for over 4 years, and all I got was angry and bitter for my efforts..Praise the Lord for deliverance...Not going down that road again, not in my right mind anyway!
What's kind of amazing is the more she see's me at peace, (Jesus gives that) the more I just live my life responsible to my God, and myself and do not engage her...The harder she seems to try and mange her life...and the more at peace she seems....She's definitely a follower....Good or Bad...LOL...
i am so sorry to hear about
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your first wife. so sad. You are the second widower that I've known who has found himself in this situation.
do you have to stay with her?
Hello Overwhelmedwife...
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you for your condolences...My first wife was a quiet meek person, trusting, and thought the sun rose and set in me. Part of my struggles was and is trying to get use to the opposite:)....Independent, competitive, controlling (some one like me! Ha Ha!) along with all the other wonder's produced in her add mind:)
No, I do not have to stay as for as the world views it....But, I vowed to stay...So I choose to honor that...As long as she is faithful, I will by God's Grace honor my vow's because the reality of it is...God want's me and my second wife ( we were both free to be married) to have the same innocent and Holy Love, I had with my first wife.
I wish peace for you!
I stay because she's trying
Submitted by Jimbo on
My wife makes my life chaotic and frustrating. But I do love her even though she has pushed me to the brink too many times. She has gotten an ADHD coach and we are starting Melissa's course next week. I have hope that these efforts will help make our marriage more satisfactory for us both. I remain skeptical at times; however. My wife will get on the ball with something for a time but after the shininess wears off she wants to quit. I think sometimes I am the only one capable of learning and improving. :(
why do I stay
Submitted by dvance on
Interesting question--I think all of us here probably ask ourselves why we stay more than we care to admit! I have very clear reasons why I stay and a pretty good timeline of how much longer I have to stay. I got married at 25, I am now 44. We will be married 20 years in October. I have grown and changed, he has not. We have two boys, ages 15 and 13. Once the 13 year old goes to college, I plan to leave. Right now we have more debt than I can even deal with. We can barely afford our one life, forget trying to support two households. That is the only reason right now-finances. Once the debt is paid off I can think more clearly. I teach in a private school so I do not make enough to support even myself, let alone two kids. My goal is to get a better paying teaching job for next fall, but there are no guarantees of that. I stay because my sons do love their dad and it's not SO bad that I want to put them through the pain of a divorce. Hubby moved out two years ago for 6 months and that was pretty bad for them, so I really don't want to do that to them again. I am not miserable on a daily basis, but I do not like who I have become. I have literally no expectations of him at all. I do not expect he will do pretty much anything and if he does, that's fine but if he doesn't I don't care. If we talk during the day, that's fine, but if we don't, I don't care. He started a new job in December that requires a lot of travel and that is making things much easier. Last week he was gone the entire week, this week it was Tues-Fri. So much better. I may or may not tell him what went on in my day. Either way, who cares. I had a big meeting with one of my bosses a few weeks ago about assuming a leadership position in my school and I don't think I mentioned it to him. Whatever. That is what I don't like about myself. Over the past several years any spark I had has really dimmed and I miss my spark. I miss not being exhausted by my life all the time. I stay because I cannot afford to go right now.
I can't afford to leave my H.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I can't afford to leave my H. We've been married a long time and our finances are too intertwined.
I used to LOVE IT when he had to work over time or travel with his job......other wives complain, but I was so happy. The kids and I would get a break from him and his craziness.
Manageing life, TO BE APART....I guess it's just the Fall Out!
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife changed to a night shift after 22 years of days...I think mostly to get away from time with me and our home...I'm thinking someone who lives in a mind where order, timeliness, responsibility and accountability is mostly foreign to; is just as appalled having to live life as one flesh with someone who manages life in this manner...Just as we are, by someone unable or unwilling to mange life is this manner....
Just a thought....
Why we stay
Submitted by Nvrslps on
I'm so sorry everyone for your situations. It all sounds like children and/or finances that keeps everyone stuck to their partner.
i feel like I have the "frog in the frying pan" syndrome where over time his behaviors has taken such a huge toll on my self esteem and at the same time I've adapted to his insanity - like the constant lying. I now take it for granted that if I ask him a question about something he finds unpleasant (paying bills, buying toilet paper, walking the dog...) he will automatically lie about it.
The only way I can stay sane is to assume everything he says is a lie. He can be caught red-handed and still lie or somehow justify it as my fault. Yet becomes enraged if I dare accuse him of lying! I've been doing it for so long - like going behind him and finishing all of his tasks... That I just take it for granted the bizarre and insane and self esteem killing ways I have adapted to his lunacy - like this behavior is normal and okay.
I no longer hope for a good outcome or a change for the better and losing hope in life makes me saddest of all.
thank goodness we don't have children but why would I want one when I am already a single mother to a sullen, lying rebellious teenager who acts like the basic tasks of adulthood is a huge imposition that I as the Bad Mommy is forcing on him?
Feel for you also....but it's up to us make changes
Submitted by c ur self on
When a person in a relationship (marriage) can't be trusted, when their word (lies) is no good...Only damage can occur...How easy is it for a wife or husband to loose respect for their partner when this occurs? It is so easy to react to this breach of trust wrongly. Evil begets Evil....So what is the product? You say your self esteem is suffering, and your outlook for the future is hopelessness...You can change it...Have you tried counceling?
I stayed because I am not a quitter
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I stayed because I needed to find the answer.
I stayed because I thought there would be a breakthrough just around the corner.
I stayed because I did not believe I should just walk away.
I stayed because I had stayed because I had stayed.
I stay because my analytical and logical mind needs an explanation.
I stayed because I wanted to be an asset.
I stayed because I wanted to be a difference.
I stayed because I needed a reason.
I stayed because I continued to search what I could change in myself that would make a difference.
I stayed because I had found a ton of things that do not work but not the ones that do.
I stayed because what I could see clearly . . .was in actuality not.
I tired too hard. I tried too many things. I tried so much, I tried myself into an emotional knot.
I am decompressing. I am on a sabbatical from other care.
Liz
Me, too
Submitted by AlmaVera on
"I question myself every day and feel a deep shame."
I couldn't let go of the idea that who he seemed to be during hyperfocus was the real him. When the blameshifting and the gaslighting and the history changing started, I ignored the promise I made to myself that I'd never again stay in a relationship once those things started. I told myself that it was all the stuff he was dealing with that caused him to suddenly change, oh, and also because of the stuff that was wrong with me. If I just fixed me, and we could take care of the other things, we'd go back to the way it was in the beginning. All of the therapy, DV support groups, reading, journaling, etc., after the end of my emotionally abusive marriage went out the window when I met him. I look back at what I accepted, and shame and embarrassment is exactly what I feel. Not because I loved him, but because I didn't love me, too.
One thing I can't resolve within myself is when we want them to do things or act the way they were in the beginning, and they tell us they can't. They're not able. We can't accept them for who they are and we want them to change. But they CAN and they ARE able, because they did it and we saw it. We were there. We accepted who they portrayed themselves to be during hyperfocus. Were they really only acting like that, and feeling those feelings towards us because of a dopamine rush? That's what caused them to be, in some cases I've read here, passionate, complimentary, attentive, generous, more compassionate, etc.? How did they know what to do to treat a partner well in the beginning, but then tell us they don't know or can't do it later on? It's those things that don't make sense to the partner on the other end. That's why it's easier to believe that they no longer find you attractive or that they are cheating or that they are lying. It's the same person, the same brain, but the actions are so monumentally different.
It's actually kind of scary when you think about brain chemistry and personality. If the flood of dopamine is what's happening during hyperfocus, when they're acting a certain way, and the end of hyperfocus causes this drastic negative change due to the dopamine level dropping, how much of what any of us feels is 'real?' Sometimes I just feel like I can't go there. And it scares the hell out of me regarding another relationship.
I haven't read this thread in
Submitted by Strangebird on
I haven't read this thread in awhile, but your post speaks to me. My H is telling me "you know" why our marriage is ending, why we're getting a divorce, and I don't. I feel the same way I did when I met him. He's finally told me horror stories of things I've said and done, felt and ways that I've acted, that didn't happen. And it's all to justify the end of the hyper focus. I look at him and say, why didn't you just be a man and not marry me? or why didn't you divorce me the first time it crossed your mind? why did you waste 23 years of my life? Why do you say I thought I loved you, but I didn't? or I used to love you, but I don't? These are bullshit things to say, I know he loved me and in fact still does, he's just too screwed up in his head to say it, commit to it and admit he was wrong. But, I can't tell myself these things any longer, I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me himself.
me too
Submitted by trixi1 on
was it the dopamine rush? i told my 6 children, 5 boys ages,25,23(autistic),21,19,and 17,,,and a daughter 12, that this man was a Christian and loved and wanted to marry me. he met the kids, the older boys were not happy. i convinced the boys it wouldn't affect their lives, it was mamas chance to be happy. he stopped the love soon after marriage-i went crazy and started drinking secretively,which led to cutting and beating self with a brush. i threw all my clothes away out of self hate for him not wanting me-yet he said he loved me.no affection at all..i lost my daughter,boys hate him, he told me it was a mistake to marry me!! i was so so happy before i married him, and now have lost kids, home i gave to 5 boys to to get them away from him.yet i chose to follow him. i go to AA now, and back in church and receive emotional help. yet nothing with him has changed, he told me he doesn't care if i stay or go. i have no home,job,,,,i have lost all dignity. obviously i have issues too, being left 2 times before. i am co-dependent ya, i just really feel i cant make it without him. i feel i love him...its crazy, is there anyone else out there like me??????helphelphelp
i was married winless than 2
Submitted by trixi1 on
i was married in less than 2 months. he approached me and my daughter in church,so cute and charming! i had 6 childre and had been left two times before. he didn't tell me he had ADHD. in 2 months he was distant, and i started hating self! my boys who were older told me mom, too soon! i wanted love and to be loved. well. i drank beer secretively to deal, hurting self and hating self,all the while not knowing his lack of emotions was ADHD. after my 1st DUI-ambien,had to take to sleep, i lost 12 year old daughter, and license. he then realized oh YA,i think i have ADHD. i let my 5 sons rent my home,so to not have them around this terrible marriage. am grateful my daughters out too,tho i am so lonely. i lost everything to this man. yes, drinking was my choice to drown my pain,,,now i moved in an apt, with him,i am begging him to love me, i hate divorce! help,,,
I know you hate divorce, but
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I know you hate divorce, but he is not living his vows to you. You are a precious person. Your children care about you, that's why they didn't want you to marry him -- not because they didn't want you to be happy. I'm glad you're seeking help for your drinking. You are right -- you've already lost a lot to this man. He is not giving you any indication that he will change.
I understand how lonely it can be, really I do. And yes, the hyperfocus feels soooo good. I know that, too. But you know now that it was too soon. Your spirit is telling you this is a poisonous situation for you -- that's why you started drinking and cutting. Whether he has ADHD or not, or gets treatment or not, is up to him. You need to take care of yourself first and learn to love yourself first as the unique and wonderful person you are.
I'm going to say something that I know will sound tough, and I am not trying to be mean in any way -- my heart hurts for you. You have a young daughter. You have a chance to show her how to be a strong woman -- it's not just about not making mistakes. It takes even more strength to recognize that something is harmful and that you respect yourself enough to ask for help to choose something different when you need to. That is an incredibly powerful lesson that you can show her now. Begging him is not going to change him. He has problems, and they are causing him to be abusive to you. You didn't cause his problems, and you can't fix them.
Please call your local YWCA or United Way to see if there is a domestic abuse program in your town that can help you. If you don't have either of those, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You will be loved -- you are loved. Don't give up. <3