Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 09/07/2007 - 05:15
We would like to introduce those of you who don't yet know her to Sari Solden, M.S., L.M.F.T. She is a therapist and author who focuses on adults with ADHD and particularly women with ADHD. Her book, "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder" provides insight into the special challenges that women with ADHD face.
Sari has agreed to be a guest author on this blog and we look forward to hearing her thoughts about how ADHD affects marriage and particularly how women with ADHD can improve their lives and marriages.
And while I'm thinking about ADHD, relationships, and women...
I had an interesting post from what I think is a lesbian couple that reminded me that there are definitely gender politics in action when talking about household chores. Women with ADHD who have trouble managing the organizational tasks of the home can feel great guilt and shame about this. Conversely, expectations about "what a man is supposed to do around the house" can have equally disasterous effects. It's all too easy to get mad/frustrated if you grew up thinking the man of the house should be mowing the lawn and he just doesn't have any interest in it at all. Each time you pull out that mower your resentment can grow...
The lesbian couple felt it was a bit easier for them to focus on what were the ADHD issues in their relationship, since they had fewer ingrained gender expectations. Their approach was to split things up by areas of strength and weakness, without regard to pre-set expectations.
How about thinking about the gender expectations in your own marriage, and sharing some of your own ideas with us? Send in your comments, thoughts, etc. (soon I'll put up a message board that people can use to talk to each other....)
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Lesbian couples and ADD
by bjdjaunt - 11/23/2009 - 09:51
Thank you, Melissa, for writing about a lesbian couple with ADD. I am the female partner of a woman with ADD. She was diagnosed at age 50, 7 years ago, 3 years after we became a couple. It's been an interesting, educational, fun and loving ride. Luckily we have a great psychopharmacologist and both of us have had psychotherapy in the past so we have fairly good communication skills. Household chores have always been a challenge. We've found that it helps to review what chores need to be done at the beginning of every weekend and to agree as to who will do them. At most a quarter of the chores on the list will be completed by the end of the weekend, so I've learned to clearly prioritize and to adjust my expectations. In recent months I've had the opportunity to spontaneously visit a number of friends' homes (meaning that they didn't have time to clean before my arrival) and I've realized that their homes look about as chaotic and messy as ours does, so I've become more at ease with the overall condition of our home as well.
Gender Expectations
by mlsread - 12/29/2009 - 00:14
My husband and I have a running joke that he has just learned the difference between a flathead and a phillips screwdriver. I have always done the repairs and mechanical stuff and he folds clothes much better than I do. We all have frustrations at times but it all works out.
In a way it's been freeing
by ADDMomma - 01/06/2011 - 18:53
It's taken a long time to overcome the shame of not being able to do 'regular housekeeping' but I think it's also been very freeing to have traditional roles really off the table.
Then along came flylady.net and now I have a beautiful clean home, too!
Smiles,
ADDMomma
housework
by mila5 - 09/01/2010 - 14:54
that is good of you to be supportive of her!:)
my significant other is Chinese male at the moment and often, being a tomboyish add woman , 37, who hates housework I feel I am being held to a lot of unfair / sexist cultural standards about woman
but to be fair, LOL, I lived on 2 different women's lands (mostly lesb) in NM over a period of several years when I just moved here and was short of cash and I have to say I think I was the messiest woman there. ha
re: Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
by Linda Walker - 09/11/2007 - 07:52
re: Women With ADHD and Gender Expectations
by Shawna - 12/14/2007 - 15:19
Significant Correlation
by IgnoredDad - 08/16/2010 - 02:49
Based on my non-existent sex life, I would say there is significant correlation. My wife has always been distracted during sex. (Is this you?) She is about as rank amateur at any sex act as you can get. I got better sex in high school than in my marriage. She has no interest. Claims she is interested but when left to her, sex never happens. (Is this you?) Hasn't happened for over six years now. She can't even plan for it. (Can you plan a sex event and make it happen?) Sixteen years ago, it took us three years to get her pregnant with kid one when we were supposedly trying. After 2 1/2 years of once a month sex (maybe), thermometers and calendars, I called bull$*%& and took over. I watched her behavior, read her cycle and she was pregnant in three months. (She was even mad as hell that my sperm count was not the issue. Turned out the doctor was trying to help but the wife was spewing misinformation on number of attempts.)
She was always complaining of being exhausted and tired and fell asleep at 8:30 every night. (Is this you?) She worked mall retail at the beginning of our marriage and would actually fall asleep while we were fooling around late at night. I had to get up and go to work in the morning but she was the sleepy one. I was p.o.'d because after two hours of foreplay, something should be happening. She would be dry as a bone and so un-stimulated it was pathetic. I am not a bad lover and have more than one person who will attest to that.
When she is actually interested, she can orgasm to the point of losing control but she "worries" about losing control. (Is this you?) She doesn't want to feel like she is enjoying it (Is this you?) She claims it hurts to orgasm but she has multi-orgasmed many times with no probs. I think she was put off by a neighboring couple in our first apartment. The gal would moan very loudly and you could hear her through the wall clearly. She obviously was enjoying her sex! I think my wife developed a self-conscious attitude that she did not want to enjoy sex if that meant losing control or maybe being heard and it has pre-occupied her sex life since.
Ironically, with an ADHD tendency to hyperfocus, you would think sex would be great as she could really get into it but she is distracted by the light through the window, the clock, the A/C, the traffic driving by, the dishwasher, the ceiling fan, the bed squeaking, you name it. It has ruined our marriage.
Don't let that happen to you. Find a way to be interested. Your life is cheerier with sex than without it.
Ummm, have you tried AM relations?
by ADDMomma - 01/06/2011 - 18:36
Hi IgnoredDad,
I'm getting the picture that PM relations don't work in your home, so I was wondering about AM? Or some other part of the day?
I read somewhere that most people just don't feel sexy in their workplace, so if your DW is a 'stay at home mom' perhaps a change of scenery would help? Earplugs, blindfold? Start with a hot bath? Deep breathing in harmony?
At this point you must be so hurt and resentful that it must be hard to be the leader in this area - perhaps sex therapy would help? Even a do-it-yourself book if your insurance doesn't cover it. Or if you are feeling very strong (and scientific) you could try offering massage or some other non-sexual touch on a regular basis to see if that has a good effect.
As an ADD mom, I can say that trying to do what I'm supposed to do all day with life/home/kids does kind of suck the energy out of me!
Perhaps you 2 could brainstorm together what are the blocks and what are some things to try? Most of us have some strengths that we can use to help out our challenge areas... Partnering is such an important part of parenting.
Best Wishes,
ADDMomma
Except when you are forced into the wrong gender role...
by Linsy - 08/16/2010 - 07:20
I was truly hoist with my own petard. Capable and hard working, I am able to pull in a good income. But our agreement was that we would both work, so that one of us could be there for the kids. I ended up being pushed out of my house completely, even when babies tiny, in a vain attempt to earn enough to pay ADD husband's debts. While he loafed around at home, and I paid for childcare. I would come home and find no food, nothing cooked, empty fridge etc. He did do the laundry, but never put anything away - so just made more work for me. Let alone dusted or hoovered in any consistent way. One day, when I was angry about this, he said, 'You wouldn't say this to a woman'. Which gobsmacked me, being a woman and a feminist, who has never asked anyone to keep her in her adult life. I just wanted to be able to be with my children more, and only had a couple of lovely years when he did get it together. But out of 23, that wasn't really enough....
Do you like him?
by ADDMomma - 01/06/2011 - 18:53
The first question I ask any wife with low sex drive is 'Do you like your DH?' - it's easy for resentments to build up in any relationship. If you are parenting ADHD kids together...that's one strike....if you are putting your all into doing 'typical wife and mother' stuff that's another strike....if you DH is taking a Parent role and you are stuck in child/sick person role that's another possible strike.
Also - does sex have to be at the end of the day? I figure if it's worth doing, then it's worth putting first.
((shrugs))
ADDMomma
And does it go the other way
by Melly49 - 01/07/2011 - 14:12
And does it go the other way when ADD/ADHD is untreated? Is the sex drive high?
My husband never seemed to get enough EVER! Always wanted to do it differently also and seemed to like when there was a thrill factor (the kids are downstairs, next room etc).
I have to wonder now if that is related to the ADD, since when he started meds for the Thyroid and depression he claimed he had no sex drive anymore...