YYZ's Progress Report
Submitted by YYZ on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 08:58
I have not started a post in a long time, so I think today is as good as any.
A little over two years after my diagnosis I feel like things in my house are better than they have been in a long time. I always take my meds, read and respond to many posts here (This site and it's great people have really made a difference) and continue to work on my ADD behavior. Communication between my DW is much improved and the anger and frustration seems to be fading fast.
I wanted to post results that are positive to those who, like me, needed to know that it is possible for things to work out for the marriage blown-up by the affects of ADD and all the other things that get marriages in trouble. I knew improvement would take time and patience and though we still face challenges like any marriage, time has indeed passed, communication improved, ADD symptoms are better controlled and I am feeling some peace and a lot less anxiety in my marriage.
The big issue regarding weight loss and the "Real Reason" behind it is less of an issue. I believe my reassurances to my DW that I want only her, and unlike seemingly every couple around us in our age range, I don't want a divorce and am not having an affair. Time seems to be helping us both. I don't know the "Magic Formula", but patience and understanding what your spouse is dealing with is a must. I have ADD and other issues and my wife have battled with depression and these things helped create how we deal with things. Understanding "Why" I get some reactions has made a difference for me. I'm hoping that my DW has some understanding of the "Why" I act/react the way I do sometimes. I do/have done many things that someone outside our marriage might say "Don't put up with this... Run...". I have heard some of the same comments and because I understand some of the root causes for the behaviors I can keep them in perspective.
Many people here on this site have given me perspective regarding what we are going through and would not be where I am without their support.
YYZ
Comments
Congratulations!
by js - 07/08/2011 - 11:03
I am so happy to hear of your progress--and mostly, that you truly recognize and feel like you're making progress.
Thanks for posting positives!
Thanks...
by YYZ - 07/08/2011 - 12:41
Sometimes it is not easy to See improvement, as it sneaks up on you.
YYZ
Yay!
by ellamenno - 07/08/2011 - 22:35
Checking in here... My husband just walked by and said, "Whatcha doin'? Checking up on your ADD friends? How's YYZ?" So I'm glad to have good news :-)
So often I come here and feel worse after reading the anger/frustration section...
I'm having kind of a crappy week myself. Lots of slip ups etc. I went without a dose the other morning because I'm trying to stretch out my pills: I'm leaving town tomorrow, tried to fill my script tuesday, but they said it was too soon and I couldn't fill it til the 8th. Tried again today... but they said, "Well, your insurance will PAY for it today, but it's illegal for me to GIVE this to you til tomorrow." I'll be gone by then and don't know if I can get any in another state etc... So I'm figuring I'd better stretch it out in case I can't. it was really weird to be 'me' again. My brain felt heavy and there were so many ideas, thoughts, hopes etc running through my mind. I made a list of stuff I thought I might do.... My head was a mess, but finally my hands were not shaky, my mouth wasn't dry, my blood pressure was 100/50 and my pulse was 62. (I've got a machine) I took my afternoon dose, felt my blood pressure rise, saw my hand shake as i passed out papers to people in my class, and when I read the list of hopes, goals and other stuff I'd written a few hours earlier, I crumpled it up and threw it in the garbage.
*sigh*
well, gotta go to bed.
Congrats YYZ. Keep fightin' the good fight!
You keep fighting too :)
by YYZ - 07/08/2011 - 23:59
The site has had almost no activity this week. Kind of strange... I missed the window for my last dose the other day and by the end of the night I was feeling like my old self, Uggggggggggh... I did not like it AT All. I usually have some reserves built up, because I'm prescribed 60 mg per day and usually take 50 mg, sometimes 40 mg on the weekend IF I get to sleep late. (Rare) That is funny that your husband knows some of us. My DW knows I post here all the time, but I don't know if she reads anything here or even knows I'm YYZ.
Get some sleep... I'm trying to get un-wound myself.
YYZ
reserves...
by ellamenno - 07/09/2011 - 08:46
I used to skip doses to have some 'reserves' and then I started noticing how awful I felt whenever I skipped one. And my husband would say, "Um... did you take your pill...?" *sigh*
At first I thought, "60 mg? holy cow!" but then I notice the time stamp on this and realize you're starting at 5am and you're still up at midnight (or maybe you're Central time? but still.... )
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I'm sleepy, for sure, but I've got little aches and pains here and there and my arms/legs tend to fall asleep if i'm on my side - and no matter how I fall asleep, i'll wake up on my side. Maybe it's because i've gotten so skinny. (from 140 to 113) So I'll fall asleep, then wake up a half hour later with a limb or two gone numb. When my daughter wakes up at 7ish, I can't go get her right away because my leg(s) are asleep. It takes 5-10 minutes before I can stand up!
My husband doesn't actually read the site or go to it himself, but sometimes I read him excerpts or ask his opinion on something and he'll put in his 2 cents. I think what a lot of women on this site are experiencing is sometimes Mars vs. Venus rather than ADD vs. Non-ADD. Not to be sexist or anything :-) We are wired differently, that's for sure....
Things have gotten better for me and my DH, too. I'm finally realizing that he is NOT always criticizing me/scrutinizing everything I do....
well - gotta run...
Aches / Pains
by YYZ - 07/09/2011 - 09:42
I don't skip doses, unless I over-shoot my last one which is rare, but if my weekend days start later I may only need 2 doses. I rarely take the full last dose, unless I have to really push through the end of the day, like working late.
You mention aches and pains and boy I have those too. In late 2008 I weighed in at 285 and due to stress I was down 40 lbs when I was diagnosed in May 2009, then by August 2010 I was down to 185 and have remained +/- 4 lbs since then. I'm 5'-11'', so I'm not "Skinny/Gaunt" like my DW has said to me, but I had been 260+ for most of our marriage. I think most of my aches (R shoulder, hands, R foot, R knee, hips) are from being 46. It sucks that I'm in the best shape of my adult life and I have all the aches... I don't experience the arms/legs falling asleep so much.
Mars/Venus... Absolutely! I think things are improving because I'm realizing that my ADD symptoms are improved and not really the main issues we have been struggling through. ADD untreated, certainly did not help me deal with issues very well, obviously, but two people getting along over time is not an easy thing to do because we all have our issues. I think I also felt more criticism / scrutiny because I never noticed it before, unless it was being yelled at me :-/
I'm glad things are improving for you too.
YYZ
Very good progress report!
by SherriW13 - 07/11/2011 - 15:23
Very good progress report! :-) I think this is a testament to your hard work and accountability for your ADHD and what it brings to the table...AND your patience with your wife as she learns to deal with the 'new' you. Most likely much of the same from her too...as it does take two. Very happy to hear!!
((HUGS))
Sherri
Thanks!
by YYZ - 07/11/2011 - 18:38
It's people like you, Sherri, that have helped me so much. There are many other too... I think learning a little patience has helped :)
I'm not done, either!
Work in Progress: YYZ
Shew...learning patience has
by SherriW13 - 07/14/2011 - 17:06
Shew...learning patience has been a huge obstacle for me too...I may get there someday.
I've learned tons from you too...getting some ADHD insight is some of the most helpful stuff around! :-)
Have you noticed....
by YYZ - 07/14/2011 - 17:56
the lack of activity on the site for the past few weeks? It's like everyone but you, me, Sue and Ellemenno have disappeared???
Very strange... Maybe everyone figured all of this out and we are the only ones who haven't ;-)
YYZ
I think they are all on vacation
by Sueann - 07/14/2011 - 20:02
I am really struggling with the fact that my husband lost his job. I've been looking for support and help and so have been much more active than usual. The fact that my family is going to break up because he couldn't keep track of his wallet is just so devastating to me. Even worse is the fact that he STILL doesn't want to try to find one place to keep his wallet. He admits it's a good idea but won't do it. This is me with steam coming out my ears!!!
The Wallet...
by YYZ - 07/14/2011 - 23:59
I have seen quite a few of your posts. I have not lost my wallet in a long time because I've got my system in place there. Your husband thinks it is a good idea, so Why won't he try it??? Maybe he thinks it makes him look like a child? I guess if someone was telling me I needed to park my car only in this one place so I wouldn't lose it I'd feel the same, the funny thing is I really do try to park in the exact same place for the same reason as my wallet locations. Hang in there Sueann... Maybe the light bulb will turn on for him :)
YYZ
The problem with the wallet
by Sueann - 07/15/2011 - 09:50
He simply has no idea how to keep track of that, his cell phone, his debit card, his keys. I have tried until I am blue in the face to get him to put these vital items somewhere specific. He does not want to do that. He thinks he should just be able to leave them in his pants, throw the pants on the floor and they should be there the next day. The dog sleeps on them, they get pushed under the bed, etc. I found the debit card under the bad last week when we got a new mattress from Freecycle. He does not want to moderate this behavior in any way.
My heart breaks for him. He lost a job he loved more than life itself because he lost his debit card and his company-issued cell. At almost 50, having been fired from a job in the psychological field, he expects to get another job doing that and won't consider retail, etc. that might at least feed us and enable us to pay the rent so we can stay together. I feel so bad for his loss, but he isn't learning from it. He appears not to care that I will have to live with my daughter 90 miles away. His head is stuck so far up his a$$ he doesn't see it.
I had a job interview yesterday about 90 miles from here. My car (his died) is a $500 beater I bought on eBay and has no air and we live in the South. My mother-in-law offered to let us (he was invited to come too) borrow her car, which has AC. When we went to pick it up, she wouldn't let us take it because he was supposed to change the oil before the trip and hadn't. She never told me he was supposed to change the oil or I'd have done it. She gave him a lecture about learning responsibility, I got sunburned. Always, the consequences of his ADD fall on me.
I did get a chance to do a trial of the job I interviewed for, but it is a part-time internet job. I won't be able to support him with it. If I could, he'd sit around and wait to be taken care of, like a baby bird in the nest. AND HE JUST DOESN'T SEE IT.
I cannot imagine being 50 and
by SherriW13 - 07/15/2011 - 10:54
I cannot imagine being 50 and having a mother 'lecture' me about anything...it is no wonder to me that the man has never 'learned' to be responsible..why bother? He's apparently capable of nothing but letting everyone around him down and is still being treated like a child at the age of 50. My husband doesn't change the oil in his truck...a fairly new, nice truck. I have to keep track of it and change it or he'll drive it till the engine blows...so I keep it changed and go on with my life. I don't berate or "lecture" him for it because it is who he is and it's NOT A BIG DEAL TO ME. His mother should be ashamed of herself...if it meant so much to her, change the oil yourself before offering to let him borrow it if you KNOW that his history indicates he's not good at keeping up with stuff like that. Is there anyone in his life who shows him compassion? Who says "I know you have faults, but I truly love you for who you are..faults and all"?
Sherri, that's an interesting question
by Sueann - 07/15/2011 - 12:11
To me, his mother "enabled" him by letting him live rent-free with her until he was 43. She would have let him continue until she died, but he decided he wanted to marry me and be an adult. He was unprepared to do so, couldn't hang onto a job, etc. (all the things I've posted about). Now, to me, he's living like a teenager in his mother's house, being fed and housed, but by me. But that is about to change because I can't.
Like you, I'm glad to change the oil, buy the groceries, etc. To me, that's part of loving someone. I guess I do love him because I've put up with this for 6 years.
I'd have changed the oil if she'd asked me. She didn't change her own oil because she's getting ready to move and feels she's too busy. My point was that I suffered because of something he did (or didn't do) once again.
I struggle with the question of whether I love him or not. I wanted so much more for our lives together and I thought he did too. I grieve for him because he has lost so much for this terrible disorder and his inability or unwillingness to manage it.
But he IS an adult. His
by SherriW13 - 07/15/2011 - 14:00
But he IS an adult. His actions might seem immature and selfish, but he has a disorder that is the underlying cause to all of this. Can you imagine existing in this world feeling as if no one loved you 'just as you are'? Do you buy into the idea that FEELING loved and valued as a human being can often be very helpful in motivating people with ADHD to want to change? IF so, can you see where he basically has no motivation to change? Honestly, if I forgot to have the oil changed and it resulted in me not only getting lectured by my mother but being blamed for a sunburn my wife got, I wouldn't have much motivation to do anything either. Bottom line...his actions (inactions) are destructive and hurtful but at some point you are going to have to ask yourself some very tough questions...such as "what am I doing to add to the problem" and "what could I do to make him feel better about himself and WANT to do better?" Blaming him because you got sunburned in your car ... well, to be honest, it sorta makes me feel sorry for him.
I didn't say a word to him about it
by Sueann - 07/15/2011 - 15:26
I got sunburned because I had the windows open because we have no air. I didn't "blame" him or say anything to him about it. I have more productive conversations with walls than that conversation would have been.
I just wish there was some way to get him to modify his behavior in more productive ways, so he could learn to keep a job and so forth. I know he's broken hearted about losing his job. But he feels that he can't change his behavior, he can't learn to put his wallet and cell phone somewhere that he will remember. We were so excited to get this diagnosis and find there is a reason for the way he acts. He got a boost from the meds and finally got a job in his field. But the meds don't make them "normal" and he feels he can't do anything else about it. If he feels he can't, then he won't. I don't know how to change that cycle. I never berate or blame him. I just point out how much trouble we are in, because he won't acknowledge it, and go on making plans for my post-marriage life.
And I don't have to imagine a world where no one loves me. That's been my reality all my life. People like me with visible handicaps grow up with major self-esteem problems. Kids mocked the way I walk, chased me, assaulted me, etc. and no one did anything about it. My husband loves me, but because I take care of him, not because I'm a good and loveable person.
But even if you aren't
by SherriW13 - 07/15/2011 - 15:55
But even if you aren't verbalizing to him that you feel he is at fault for your sunburn is irrelevant because just the simple fact that you blame him (openly or not) adds an underlying resentment to your marriage. I go back and read some of the things I post here...and say to my friends elsewhere...and I am almost ashamed of my anger towards my husband. I recently found myself being ashamed for all of the negative THOUGHTS that were going through my mind about him..and then to see the things I was saying...it isn't 'because' of his behavior, it is because I am letting my anger overtake me. Looking at EVERYTHING with 'angry eyes' got me nothing but more misery and shame...and it complicated matters even more by keeping my mindset ALWAYS resentful. I felt completely justified in my anger...because look at all of the horrible things he was doing to me. So what if I talked about him like a dog? So what if I blamed him for my own misery? He deserved it, right? Oh yeah, I would say "his ADHD is out of control" but yet I would hold his actions against HIM and not his ADHD. Once gain, second time in two years, I had to own up to my own faults and realize that NOTHING he does justifies me being an angry, resentful wife. It certainly does not help anything...and I am trying to stop not only the words I say about him (out of anger) but the thoughts I have as well. As long as, in your mind, you blame him for all of the things that have happened to the two of you, then you're keeping things at as much of a stale mate as he is.
I am sorry if you've gone through life never knowing unconditional love from anyone. I honestly cannot relate to that. It was something I was shown by my Momma as a child and my Daddy as an adult...and by my siblings as adults too. My family loving me has always been a source of strength for me..to know that I can do better, but am good enough just as I am. My husband never felt that from anyone but his mother...and although I've given him a lot of reasons to feel my love for him is conditional over the years I truly want to change that. I realize how vital it is to his having the courage and strength to overcome his ADHD. It is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do (I DO love him unconditionally..but showing it to him in the face of his behaviors sometimes is tough!!).
But Sherri, if I let him think it's OK ...
by Sueann - 07/18/2011 - 11:56
What incentive does he have to change? If I was like, OK, I don't care that you lost (yet another) job and I'll pay the rent, how would that encourage him to change? Wouldn't he be like, OK, now I can play computer solitaire all day and Sueann will take care of me?
The ADD has no bearing on whether I love him. What makes me question whether I love him is that he doesn't care how it affects me and doesn't try to change his behavior.
It is very common to feel
by SherriW13 - 07/18/2011 - 13:53
It is very common to feel like they don't care because their behaviors are hurtful to us. How do you know he doesn't care? I used to think my husband didn't care either..couldn't care. I used to use the phrase "you either don't get it or you just don't care" (how hurtful his behaviors were) but reading more and more has taught me that isn't true..in either case. He gets it...and he cares...but for any number of ADHD related reasons, he continued the behaviors for many years.
No one said, I certainly didn't, that it was "OK" that he lost his job. What I am saying is that I would sit down with him and let him know that I appreciated how hard he must be struggling, how bad he must feel about losing the job that meant so much to him, how much I loved him and wanted to help him be successful, and let him know that you have every faith in him that he'll find something soon. Let him know that you believe in him and encourage him. Let him know that you love him and want to be with him, want to have a life together, and let him know what you are going to do to make that happen and make a plan for the future. "when WE get jobs, and can possibly rent a small apartment and be together again...if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I know how difficult things can be for you sometimes"
He has the easiest life in the world
by Sueann - 07/18/2011 - 17:58
I struggle to pay the rent. He watches TV. I get up in the morning and get on the computer and look for jobs and send out resumes and do the new part-time internet job I've just gotten. He sleeps. I beg and plead with him to please change the light bulb in the computer room so I can work at night. He doesn't. (I can't and we can't afford to pay anyone to come in and change the light bulb.)
I would love to have the leisure he has and the fun. I would love to have a loving spouse who worries if my needs are met. I don't, but he does. I simply don't know what I could give him that I haven't already given him.
Wife with ADD
by LoLoBee - 07/18/2011 - 23:14
I recently joined this site, but have been a bit hesitant to post because I AM THE ONE with ADD. What you describe above is me, NOT THE HUSBAND in the relationship. I have read so many posts that have been the exact same things my husband has been trying to tell me about for years. So may posts here tell of a husband's behavior . . . and that is exactly how I behave. There are issues that my husband has that contribute to our problems . . . he has depression and ADHD . . . . but he can function quite well despite. Honestly my issues are what have been the hardest on the marriage. I don't know how many women there are statistically that are the spouse that has the ADHD/dependency . . . it seems there are a lot of husbands described on here with my issues more than wives. Maybe i just haven't read enough.
Nothing to fear here :)
by YYZ - 07/18/2011 - 23:51
I have learned so much from the NonADDER's on this site. Most people are trying to figure out what is going on in their lives regarding the affects of ADD. You are not alone and there are many women with ADD, but is seems that women are harder to diagnose than men. There are people that vent a little in their posts, I know I have :) I think there may be more examples of men with ADD, but it does not really matter. I have found several women with ADD that seem to process things just as I do. The ADD is the common link.
Welcome to the site...
YYZ
feeling sorry
by jgf - 07/15/2011 - 16:59
Sherri - it's interesting that you make the comment that it sorta makes you feel sorry for him. I had that very same thought about my husband today while we were driving our daughter home from the hospital (she had surgery and is home and fine now). He had made some comment to her about knowing about some surprise she had planned. She was so upset that he knew. He tried to put a twist on it to make it seem like something else, but she wasn't buying it (she's 7). I sat there wondering why he even brought it up - he knew he wasn't supposed to know about it (totally my fault for telling him - but he wanted to be sure it didn't interrupt other family plans we have for the weekend). I knew he felt bad for upsetting her. For some reason that scenario popped into my head on the way home and I wondered how many time in his life he's felt that way - bad for upsetting someone because of something he's said. And I felt a bit sorry for him. It must be hard to feel that way as often as I think he does - or has in the past. It really made me re-think how I've reacted to some things he's said to me in the past. And made me think I should work on that.
Yeah, I've noticed how slow
by SherriW13 - 07/14/2011 - 21:30
Yeah, I've noticed how slow it is...I only come check a few times a day and haven't had much new to respond to...prollie just summertime and everyone is (hopefully) out having a good time. I know when things get really bad for me, I just lose interest in even discussing anything about it..so I drop off a little. I was just thinking today about DF and hoping he's doing OK. :-( And Fuzzylogic...hope he's getting that school work done! :)
You checked in...
by YYZ - 07/14/2011 - 23:51
I've been cRaZy bUsY at work, you guys may have noticed some really short responses from me lately. I feel kind of bad not saying much to some of the new comers on the site. When things get real bad I tend to withdraw and drop-off the site. Maybe DF and Fuzzylogic (Great Name) will pop back on soon.
I'm up too late again...
YYZ
Yes, we all had total
by lululove - 07/14/2011 - 22:02
Wayne is on my FB...and I
by SherriW13 - 07/14/2011 - 22:20
Wayne is on my FB...and I don't think he'd mind me posting that he did end up getting divorced, but is doing GREAT and seems really, really happy! :-)
Hang in there lady...hang in there. (((HUGS)))
FB is the universal...
by YYZ - 07/14/2011 - 23:32
constant these days. I'm real sorry to here about DF. I felt a real connection with him. Hopefully he is getting through the bad times and will be back. Sherri... Give him a "Poke" from me out there on FB.
YYZ
That totally made my day! I
by lululove - 07/14/2011 - 23:46
I probably got the memo...
by YYZ - 07/14/2011 - 23:28
and misplaced it ;)
I have certainly gone through active and inactive phases here. It is really interesting to have friends out here and not know you if I saw you in Target and I was there on Sunday...
Hang in there Lululove :)
YYZ
haven't disappeared . . . .
by jgf - 07/15/2011 - 16:42
. . . just stalking the site more than typing. Believe me, I have NOTHING figured out! :-) Sometime I think (hope!) I have one small thing somewhat understood . . . but I don't. It's very helpful to read this site, though. I love hearing other viewpoints that I may not think of on my own or that my husband might not be able to articulate to me.
Not gone, just tired of
by Hermie40 - 07/15/2011 - 20:27
new and where do i put comments?
by tray - 07/15/2011 - 20:34
Hi ! I'm new here and Melissa Orlov's book has really opened my eyes to what is going on in my life. I had a tough childhood and thought my overly doting husband was my prince charming. Fast forward many years and we now are at the brink of divorce, losing our house, our 3 kids are all coming up with ADHD, speech and language delays, sensory issues, you name it and my husband has just recently started looking into his ADHD after I began filing for divorce and calling CPS. I cant stand it anymore. I am a professional intelligent woman that feels along, betrayed, resentful, and angry in my life. For the longest time i thought it was me. His family and friends think I'm the one with the issues- too controlling, nagging, overprotective of the kids (don't get me started). etc.. his behavior has been erratic. begging me to take him back and then the next day yelling at me that it is my and the kids fault his job is suffering now that he is trying to get his act together and be more attentive to us. Why am I here? Are there any other people in my situation that actually did get divorced? I cant take much more....
Glad you are back...
by YYZ - 07/16/2011 - 02:17
I have taken breaks too... Sometimes I just don't think I can add anything of value. I keep coming back because I don't want the things I've learned to slip away. Sorry to hear about your DH moving out. If he won't accept his role in all of this, then how can he expect to move forward? Maybe he thinks he has to take all the blame, but he does not have too. I felt that way for a while, until I realized nobody is "Normal" and we all have our "Special Quirks" which have a role in how our lives pan out.
You did not miss too much... Welcome back :)
YYZ