How You Make Others Feel

 

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ADHD & Marriage - Weekly Marriage Tip - January 3, 2013

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“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

 

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How You Make Others Feel
It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.

It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account. It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.
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For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
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Melissa Orlov

© 2013 Melissa Orlov