THE WRATH of ADD: Cusdody, Divorce and Anger How Do I cope with ADD Husband now?! How Can I NOT hate him?
Posted May 11th, 2008 by up2lisa
I so very glad that I came across this blog. It speaks much to what I have endured for what in 2 weeks will be 12 years of a dysfunctional marriage. Married to “The Nice Guy.”
My husband hads all the symptoms, in the beginning we just called it blabber mouth, forgetful, little to no intimacy and daydreaming. Until over the course of our marriage as I grew, he stayed behind…increasingly more forgetful, reclusive and out of touch. This past June (wow, a year soon) I was at my wits end. A few years back I had an affair years prior to escape, send a wake up call… one that he never heard. I could not put my family through that mess again. With two children I begged him to seek help… and he did. But, I had to be 2 steps out the door, when he broke down and sought help. One session put a nail on what I couldn’t identify in 11 years. About a month later the husband started taking Statera and weeks after his world… OUR world started to turn around. The diagnosis was a ray of light and the medication was a miracle. I was the happiest I had ever been in our marriage. I could see a bright future for our two kids. But, having already put 2 steps out; I was too afraid to step back into the dysfunction. I found myself monitoring his medication, afraid he wouldn’t take it. Afraid he wouldn’t read the books, engage in counseling. It was like I was living with a recovering drug addict, waiting … wondering WHAT IT he relapsed. I enabled his behaviors, I victimized myself by doing so. The wounds over eleven years had worn on my emotional and physical health. My daughter who is 10 began picking up the slack of trying to control and understand Daddy. Our 5 year old ADHD son began the negative self talk. If my kids were sounding like me… coaching Daddy, they were acting like Daddy. I yearned deeply for every facet of what I believed a marriage would be, should be, could be… I just couldn’t wait for my husband to be that man and father. Anxiety, depression…read, counseling… been there done that; but not my husband.
While on his medication my children and I moved out 7 months ago. It was an amicable separation, we were beautiful friends. I loved him deeply in those initial months and I regained my own health and sense of security. He and I were friends, he went back to school, picked up a new job and we communicated regularly and respectfully. We agreed that he would “focus” on himself and I would seek my own needs. I thought he understood… he said he did. ANOTHER ADD attribute.. the “shake he head and agree” syndrome, when they don’t really understand or comprehend what is going on.
THEN I told him I wanted to date someone else, his medication ran out (no health insurance) and all hell broke lose.
3 months later, he is cured of his ADD, he has filed for divorce, wants full custody, sole use of our marital home and is a devout Christian. Now I am 5k down in legal fees, our business is nearly ruined, I am fighting for custody and my husband won’t communicate with me at all. He is now classically the worse side of ADD and he is hurting us all, under the pretense of “being in control.” I have no family resources to talk ration into him. Because he to them is still a “nice guy, good Christian and father… and just being like he always has been.” He has sold me out as being “Godless and immoral.” What was our home is a mess, our joint finances are a mess and the kids are a mess. Everyday I am putting out legal fires and allegations. Just like before, I was the one who held it all together… now I am not there, it is all burning down.
There is no logic or ration to anything that he does. He has COMPLETELY shut down. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE! What I want is my husband to focus on himself, get himself together, take the medication and look at our relationship from a distance…another perspective. If it worked out…it would, I just could not take the risk that it would be the SAME SAME for another 11 years. I had migraines, high blood pressure and became depressed. I was lonely, tired and constantly feeling defeated. TRYING, CRYING and pleading with my husband to do his share, get some help and comfort me… SOMETIMES.
We have a court order for our kids, but he violates it. I see clearly what he does…he forgets, pushes aside and sticks his head in the sand and WE ALL suffer the consequences. I don’t want to present him legally as a bad Father, but the reality of it. . . he is. He is more of a buddy to them.
I wish desperately on late night like this, I had some emotion to fall back on. All I fall back on is how much time we have spent together and all the warning signs from the day I met him. I didn’t know. Now, look where I am. I feel like a fool. I’ve grown, become educated and matured and he is still where I found him. This will be his 2nd divorce and still “doing cartwheels in his head.” But never taking the steps in reality to move forward.
I “get it” in regards to not controlling him; clearly I can’t. I know in my heart, I was best advocate and ally, now he is a babbling radical, squanders our money to pay a lawyer to tell him protect him…while he destroys himself and our family.
Even now 700 miles apart, he still is dragging my heart and life down. I don't regret leaving. He drug me down day after day when I was there. How do I get him to stop! I’ve tried mediation…he walked out. I’ve tried his family…they believe he is a “great guy, done wrong.” We’ve gone to court…we mediated for foolishness, that a normal couple could have talked out. I’ve tried giving him books, facts and mapping out the consequences. Still he INSISTS “I am not listening to you lisa!” Meanwhile, he can’t hear everything is crumbling around him and us all, daily. All I need him to do is THINK RATIONALLY! LONG TERM AND REMAIN FOCUSED! ALL I NEED FOR HIM TO DO IS NOT HAVE ADD! REALLY!
I love my husband dearly, but not as a wife should. I enjoyed him as my friend and I miss that dearly. I miss the fun parent that he was. But, nothing more. I want a life a functional and balanced life...with or without him.
How can I get him to stop, without tearing him or me down completely. I am now in the process of filing an emergency petition to get full and primary custody of our children; because of his MULTIPLE voiloations of the order. I didn’t want to go this far, I never would have… he just doesn’t understand he is leaving me with no choice and himself fully exposed for me to do so. I can not help him hurt me or the children! I am so bitter, so depleated and so hurt. So, very hurt and I know it is not his fault, and it isn't those who protect his lies...they don't understand... my life is on a blog! My husband, my marriage and my children are no different than the hundreds of posts on this blog... all here OUT in the open.
What can I do?
its' all up 2 me.
Lisa
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Divorce and Custody
The inner conflict in you shines through loud and clear and my heart goes out to you, your children, and your husband. You shout “I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE” at the same time that you ask “How can I NOT hate him?” You label yourself a fool, bitter, depleted and hurt and yet speak of how much you loved your husband when things seemed back in balance and how you wish you had him back still (foolish or not). You’re angry, hurt and scared.
I can’t fix this issue for you (or even advise you how you could fix your marriage at this point), but you can get people’s opinions and support on this site. (Remember that you are in a public forum, though, including one that your husband and his lawyers can access.)
First, your husband is not “cured” of his ADD. If you have ADD, you have it. Which is not to say that one can’t learn how to control the symptoms of ADD – you can learn to control symptoms so they don’t get in your way. You saw that when your husband was on Strattera. But ADD is a way that your mind works – a way of being. It doesn’t get “cured” per se. When you say “All I need for him to do is not have ADD” you are asking the impossible. What you need him to do is control his symptoms…which means that he needs to decide that he wants to do that. (Only he can control his symptoms.) It sounds to me, given how you describe him at the beginning of your post, that you want your husband to be someone that he never was, even when you met him. If someone said to you “I want you to be completely focused, fun, and rational – to be the man I dream you can be - even though I think that as a person you are forgetful, not intimate, a blabbermouth, out of touch and a daydreamer” what would you think? I’m guessing that one of the things that he used to throw back at you when he was angry was that he “could never be good enough for you”.
Furthermore, you say that you long for a “wonderful, functional and balanced life”, but mostly miss him as a friend. I can understand missing someone as a friend as good romance also includes friendship, but why do you assume it’s okay with him to be with a woman who only thinks of him as a friend? Don’t you both deserve more?
It sounds as if your husband is doing a lot of awful stuff to you right now. Violating court orders about childcare is both wrong, and hard on the kids. They deserve better than that. So do both you and your husband. You ask the very relevant question – “how can I get him to stop?” and the answer is – you can’t get him to stop misbehaving, but hopefully you can get the courts to stop him from violating the court orders.
Unfortunatley, I think the best you can do in this situation overall (court orders aside) is control your own response to him. Like it or not, you are in a place you never wanted to get to. Your relationship now is a business relationship (and a pretty bad one at that), not a marital one (in the friendship way of thinking of marriage). The more businesslike you can be about it, the less he will be able to assail you for being “immoral” or emotional or bossy. Remember that it’s highly likely that his family who thinks he’s “been wronged” is cheering him on and supporting his efforts. Why would he suddenly listen to you, his antagonist?
Try as hard as possible to not involve the kids. My daughter once said to me "I'm never going to speak to dad again!" when she was mad at him. At which point I told her that it was not her business to "punish" her father and that I would be very unhappy with her if she decided she wanted to take sides in our argument. Your kids know inside what's fair. No matter how tempted you might be to badmouth your husband or to let them get away with trying to take care of him, they will be better off in the long run if you make it clear that it is not their job to play parent or to take sides. That you love them unconditionally, as does their dad, and that the problems that the two of you have are not related to the kids, nor should they get involved. (Make sure that the child with ADD does not take your dislike of your husband's ADD personally - thinking "if she doesn't like him, then she won't like me").
So the quesiton is, how would you rather deal with him? In the heat of anger (when you are more likely to make a mistake), or calmly? Would you rather continue to let him run (and ruin?) your life, or choose a different path? If he doesn’t hear everything crumbling around him, it’s probably because he doesn’t see it the same way as you and doesn’t think it is crumbling.
I guess I would suggest that you stop trying to educate him about ADD, and start taking care of yourself. Find a good support network, get the courts to do what they need to do to put you on a footing that keeps the kids’ lives as steady as is possible. Start accepting that you aren’t likely to ever be together as a couple again. My husband and I did not get to the point that you are in (we never moved apart, though we did agree to separate), but we did find that when things got hard, “business-like” actually allowed us enough breathing room that we could enjoy each other a bit more, even as we were working things out. Perhaps it will help ease some of the tension for the two of you, too.
I’m afraid this isn’t all that helpful. It’s stories like yours that make me wish I had a magic wand. This is an awful period, so make sure you have some family or friends to help you through it. You will get through it, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel – it just doesn’t feel that way right now. You can work towards making that next stage - the one in which you share the kids as they grow, as easy on everyone as possible (which doesn't mean give in on everything - rather, stand up for what is right, and do it in a way that makes you proud of your own behavior, with an eye towards the end goal - being on speaking terms for the sake of the kids...if that seems a reasonable goal to you, that is.)
Feel free to write to us, too, if that helps you make decisions or feel better. There are lots of caring people who monitor this website and contribute to the conversations here.
Melissa Orlov
Holding My Head Up
I nearly looked on this site hourly to see if there was a response, my children coming home were an excellent distraction from my misery. Let it be known, I love my husband; but not as a husband and we do both deserve much more than to be buddies. I wish we could even be business partners, but the realities are too evident. I was the business. I was the parent. I was the maid. He was just a “great guy” as ambiguous as the statement, he simply made everything “appear” nice at my own expense.
Sadly, I fell in the “gotta-get-married” trap and you are right, all the bells and whistles were there. But, when your not looking for sounds…but sights… like a diamond ring, BIG BEN could go off and I would not have heard it. Beside, who take seriously… “ADwhat?” I would have never thought twice about ADD if he would have known then.
I have to become resolved that my husband is an individual with choices unlike mine and is compelled to do things I am not compelled to do. It saddens me deeply to know there is a cure… a fix, a solution to his needs and he won’t take it. He won’t take it for fear of “letting the Devil win!” For fear of being an unfit parent. For fear of losing control. But, he was out of control and God did no wrong with blessing him with ADD and the means to maximize it to be the best parent. Who wouldn’t love a father who fishes, does crafts, plays and follows ever detail in sports and history.
If feels like I am dragging my 5 year old son by his arm, covered with mud from head to toe, to a hot bat and telling him “you’re dirty!” He knows he’s dirty and it was fun getting that way. There is nothing fun about being squeaky clean.
I wish his or any lawyer, friend or relative would take the time to find this site and see, it is neither simple, frivolous or a matter of will. Possibly the association with children with ADHD more harms the adult with ADD. The condition is nothing near child’s play when you are 40 years old and look back at your mistakes, shortcomings and fears.
In a sad way, I have felt vindicated. I’M NOT STUPID. I knew SOMETHING was wrong and then I found out what. I've never talked bad about my husband, I always protected him... posted him up as the leader of the family and I his devoted supporter. Now I am seeing how devastating it was to hold two crowns and will likely continue to be as such for me. But, I will hold my head up and wear them proudly in the best interest of my children. I will be mommy and daddy until their father figures out what D.A.D. he wants to be with this ADD: defeated or victorious.
UP 2 ME
When to Draw the ADD and Deliberate Line
For a month straight weekly I have asked my husband to send me our son's allergy medication and his insurance information. I’ve asked him in e-mails and in voice mail, with no responses given…yet he reads them.
Today, I received a “Extremely Urgent” package at the cost of 18.00 shipping which contained the refill of the allergy medication.
1. I know he got the message, because he mailed the medication.
2. Yet, he didn’t send the insurance card/information….or a copy of it, yet he has it…because he got the prescription filled.
3. If I would have received the card or information (I don’t even know who it is with) I could have transferred the prescriptions to me and refilled the prescription myself without the shipping expense.
4. Our son’s birthday was last Tuesday and he didn’t so much as send a card in the big empty box for padding.
Where is the line drawn from having ADD and being deliberately passive aggressive?
Where do I draw the line and say... this part is ADD and his processing skills and this part is defiance. I need to find a way that I process / interpret his actions, so that I can act accordingly. The difference is a Dad with a impediment and a Dad that is delinquent.
I get to the point where I have run out of ways to TRY to get through, convey and or plan how to get the simplest of message across.
Frustrated.
Because…its all up 2 me…again.
Lisa
I'm glad to hear back from you - I've been thinking about you and your situation a lot in the last few days and hoping that you are coping as best you can, which it seems you are. Still not fun, though.
I don't think it matters whether or not your husband is being deliberately passive aggressive, impaired or delinquent. You need to get yourself to a place where you aren't relying on him for anything. That means that if he doesn't send the insurance card, call the company and get another copy so the prescription can be filled in either place. Make yourself physically and emotionally independent. Don't count on him to send a birthday card to your son - he might remember or might not. Or, he might be celebrating at a different time with him and not feel the need for a card (or the need to share this with you). In any event, you should make as big a deal about your son's birthday as you normally would (but no bigger - your son will know if you are overcompensating for your husband somehow). Your son will love the attention. And if he's sad about his dad not being there, maybe you can talk about it with him.
There is a bigger issue that concerns me, which is your reference to your son's being dirty. Five year old boys are the KINGS OF DIRTY!!! (Well, maybe 12 year olds beat them, but not by much!) Being 5 is all about celebrating being dirty - about playing games in the bathtub as you scrub each knee...about him telling you tall tales about how he got that dirty in the first place...about giving him permission to get just that dirty again the next day and love every minute of it.
Now, it may just be that you are tired, and looking at another dirty knee just isn't making you all that happy. But I worry that your bad feelings about your husband's ADD are getting transferred to your active little boy. This would be unfair to him, and also to you. He needs your love, your adoration, and a lovely safe place right now where he can be himself, no matter what sort of storm rages on between his parents. I am not (at all) advocating spoiling him (the mistake too many parents getting divorced make, in my opinion). But I am advocating celebrating your kids for who they are and creating joyous moments together that will sustain you all in these tough times.
I just reviewed a book about little boys that I thought was really great. It's by a man who is an expert in child development and is very thoughtful about boys. It's called It's A Boy: Understanding Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18 by Michael Thompson, Ph.D. You may not feel as if you need anything else to do right now, but when you get a chance you might want to grab a copy. It will take you through the many wonderful, mysterious changes that are boys. (I have an amazing 14 year old son, as well as a wonderful 17 year old daughter who has ADD and some other learning issues and has learned to manage them beautifully). I marvel at the people they have become and remember how physically taxing it can be to take care of kids. Exhausting, really, but when they are their own people it's incredible. You have much to look forward to when you get past your current difficulties.
Melissa Orlov