On the brink of giving up

Actually, except for how you decide to treat it, it doesn't matter if you can label your husband's issues "ADD" or something else. What matters is that he is doing a number of things that are alienating you and your children, rather than pulling you together as a family. You need to treat these things as symptoms, as well as stake out your place in this household by drawing some firmer boundaries.

• Starting from the end. It's not okay for your husband to use his mother as a confidant, rather than you. You can't control his relationship with her, but perhaps you can talk with him and explain that you are feeling as if the two of you have drifted too far apart. You know he has a great deal on his mind, and can he share those things with you?  If you think it appropriate, you may wish to approach her and suggest that right now she is interfering in your husband's ability to focus on his family.
• Second, consider talking with him about teens and what constant criticism does to them.  Ask him to clarify house rules with you - what is acceptable in terms of clothing, hours, activities, curfews, etc.  Then, have a family meeting and discuss these rules with the kids and with him (consider writing them down and posting them).  Let everyone know that your goal is to have everyone respect the rules so that there isn't so much "picking on each other" going on in the house.  Ask your husband if the two of you can talk about what's worth commenting on with the teens and what isn't before he nags.  If he has trouble with this idea, perhaps you can ask him to put himself in his kids' shoes for a little bit.  How would he feel if he were being nagged and picked on all the time?  If you can manage it, it is always a good idea to have the kids help you decide how to frame the rules - they'll be much more likely to live by them if they are involved in creating them.
• Anger is one potential symptom of ADD.  His depression may well be linked to his ADD, too.  Have him talk with his doctor about anger and see if other ADD medications might work better for him and help him control his anger as well as his focus.  Sounds as if ritalin isn't perfect for him, as he reports he doesn't like taking it.  There are many other options out there and he should explore them until he either finds something he likes better or decides that ritalin is the best option.
• Some people with ADD have hypersensitivity - for some it's to touch, others to smell.  I'm not a doctor, and don't know the details about this, but it is real and he should also talk with his doc about this.
• You are correct to pinpoint never laughing as an issue.  Hopefully some of the tension will ease when the rules for the kids are clarified, mom backs out of the picture, and his meds are straightened out.  At that point, see if you can get him to focus on the present and start doing some fun things together - maybe even silly.  Go go-cart racing or something different...just for the hell of it.
• Your sex is complicated by your relationship, guilt and the rest right now.  Try working on a different type of intimacy first - holding hands is usually a good start, or a short peck on the cheek or forehead for no real reason other than you are thinking fond thoughts.
• At some point, you'll probably want to see a marriage counsellor and start working on your communication skills together.  I would advise that you focus on the present and the future, not on the past.  What can you do TODAY to make today and tomorrow better.  FInd a counsellor who is willing to do that and not tromp around in the bad feeligns of the past, and I think you will maximize your chances for success.

Melissa Orlov