Support for non-add spouse
In seeing a lot of frustration throughout the comments....I thought it might be good to hear some thoughts from people on what they can do as the non-add partner,to help allieviate the frustrations we experience with the ADD partner.There is a lot on certain situations or how to help the ADD person,but how about personal coping mechanisms for peace.Not anything about negatives or positives of ADD,but more of a personal approach in handling the emotional part of it.I realize how easy it is to get caught up in changing/helping/mothering/nagging/preaching,etc,etc towards the ADD person.Along with consistently trying to be patient,understanding,helpful,hopeful,positive,etc,etc.In other words..all the emotions.It gets down right exhausting.A roller coaster of emotions.
To get started,here are some suggestions that have helped me.I hope to hear some others.I find when it all gets too much and you feel like your going crazy...you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.You are of no good to your partner if you aren't happy yourself.My ADD partner has helped me to realize this actually.Everytime I would bring up yet another ADD thing...he would come back at me and say..."Your also not happy either and have your own issues!"Ya know what...he was right.That was a hard comment for me to swallow and for a long time,yet something that being in a relationship with an ADD person will do...is mirror your own issues!!Gauranteed! You certainly are forced to push through your own stuff,whether you want to or not.I think because of all the feelings that go with what we go through day in and day out,you can't not face your own personal struggles.Make sense?I think also as women...we can carry some self esteem issues,control issues,co-dependant issues,etc that contribute to the struggles of the relationship.I may be stepping on toes here or causing upset with my own gender,but I am speaking from personal experience on how I have had to take a look at me too and not always blame them.
First off,in all honesty...sometimes all the focus and push to "educate yourself as much as you can about ADD!" Frankly sometimes it can be all out depressing to do that.I have found when I read these ADD books..I get more mad and depressed.Yes I read the positives about it too...but I need to put a time limit on it and not focus or obsess about ADD.I think as the frustrated partner...you tell yourself all the time..."If it weren't for you having ADD,we wouldn't have these problems,so as soon as your fixed..things will be fine."Truth be told..I think we all think that at some point.Sometimes for the sanity of everyone...it just needs a break.I was always suggesting books,counseling,medication,etc. and it just drove him away.Granted I wasn't using the right approach,but my emotions were in the way!
I started by loosing sleep at night.Everynight...getting only three to four hours of sleep because the wheels just kept turning on how to make my relationship better.In case you haven't figured out by reading...yes I would be called very codependant!This I know.So I started by sleeping in a separate bedroom from him.That helped a lot.Also make sure you do things for yourself and by yourself.It is so easy to pick up the phone and complain to friends and loved ones."Guess what my ADD partner did today!?"At the end of the conversation..you really don't feel all that better about it and maybe even feel bad because you ripped all over him to your friends and then are left feeling guilty anyway.They just get tired of hearing about it and tell you to leave him or find someone else.(Depending on how supportive they are...they may not say that and just listen to you vent.)Unless you deal with your frustrations on a very personal level...you never really deal with the emotions.
It helps to talk to a counselour for yourself.If your a spiritual person...go to church or talk with your pastor.I really like exercise!I am a big hiker in the woods.Walks,ride a bike,walk your dog,ride a horse.I find that when you exercise,some of the things that the ADD partner does...suddenly don't bother you as much anymore because your mentally and physically in a better place.Seriously...it has helped me.Massages,take a bath,go to a hot springs,get a hottub,soft music,watch the birds,read a book not on ADD,visit friends but vow not to talk about your ADD spouse,start a new hobby,make some new friends,volunteer.They say that helping others makes your own troubles not look so bad.
Also I think it is safe to say that we always feel that we have to be kind,patient and understanding of our ADD spouse.You know what...it is OK to allow yourself to be angry about it.Just do it properly.That is why a trusted counselour is soo helpful.We always hear and make ourselves feel that we are not being patient enough..."be more patient of him/her..after all they have ADD!"I tell ya what..I am a nanny of twins and when I come home...my patience card is all wore out.I watch kids all day.I don't want to come home and watch another kid.I know you stay at home mothers and people with kids feel the same way.So allow yourself those real feelings to come out..just not at your partner.
I think just getting grounded sometimes helps you to not loose control.Ever feel like something has just got to give?I do and it can be scary.Be kind to yourself,your dealing with a lot!Not everyone can do this job that god has given us.Sometimes I feel pretty proud of myself that I can deal with it as well as I do.I know a lot of my girlfriends would have been gone a long time ago!So take pride in that you do deal with it.
The stress and anger has to have an outlet.That is why I exercise.The relaxation of mind has to be there so I happen to be a big hottub fan.I am a spiritual person,so go to church and also read self help books,etc.You have to eat right and have a good diet.Take vitamins.I am really finding out you have to be "in shape" in mind and body so to speak to deal with what we deal with on a daily basis.Ever feel like it takes a true counselour to be partners to these people?I do.
If nothing else...you will find it easier to deal with the issues that come up.You will be a better partner in soo many ways.Your ADD partner will respect you more and maybe actually start to want to get help and change themselves if they see the focus isn't all on them.Again...coming from experience.
Once your in a better place and your partner likes you again.Something that helped clean the slate for us was to get back to doing something fun together.Our counselour suggested that each of us write on a piece of paper five to ten things that we could do together,that we had NOT done together before.Think outside the box.It was really fun and really helped bring some new hobbies in our relationship.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the daily grind and cycle that it all just needs to come to a screeching halt.Sadly enough sometimes divorces happen when they may not need to.Relationships may end when they don't have to.At least if you know you took care of yourself throughout it all,you will have still left with yourself and your self esteem.Failed relationships are hard enough,but if you do choose to leave knowing you did all you could in a healthy way...it makes ending the relationship a litlle easier.
So have outlets,get your mind off of ADD and remember that it is OK to feel your own feelings too.Those I believe are the things that will help greatly in clearing the road to see the positives of ADD.You have to work through the negatives to see what the positives even are.They are there,you just can't always see them clearly when your upset...and rightly so.
Good luck and may peace be with us ALL!
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love my husband dearly
I love my husband dearly, but sometimes, I am so very resentful of his ADD that it can be difficult for me to try to remember and be sensitive to the challenges is causes for him. We are expecting our first baby in about 8 weeks and throughout the pregnancy, I have been more needy than usual. I am a very take charge person and I am the type that can multi-task and get more done in a day than some people do in a week. While I have been pregnant, I haven't wanted to do as much and have felt overwhelmed by things that normally would be no problem. I am also moving into the nesting phase and starting to get focused on getting everything organized for the baby. My husband has spent the last two years overwhelmed by a job that required him to work about 70-80 hours a week and that trickled into every aspect of our lives, meaning that we rarely had a day even on vacation that he was not hyperfocused or obsessed with work (even when he was not working). I have tried my best to support him through this past two years, but have often struggled to be understanding of why he cannot let go of work or set aside time that is focused only on our marriage and on me. About three weeks ago, my husband was laid off from his job and I was secretly thrilled because I thought that this would be a time for us to reconnect before the baby comes. I also thought that now he could assume some of the tasks on my plate and relieve me of a few things that are stressing me out....(we are moving in about two weeks and I have a lot of work travel right now). The past few weeks, the lack of structure in my husband's day to day life has meant that it seems to take forever for him to be motivated to start a task, that he drags out completing things or procrastinates until the last minute and then requires my rescue. I am aware that his parents rescued him throughout his childhood and now am aware that he probably was attracted to me in some way because I would continue to support him in the way that his ADD sometimes makes it difficult for him to be successful.
Even though I recognize and know the challenges and gifts of ADD, it is still difficult to be loving and tolerant of him and the things that I feel disappointed by....when I am feeling on top of my game, I can be incredibly understanding of him and supportive and even at times thrive on being needed and able to help him. I recognize that we are a bit co-dependent by this because the same reasons I resent his ADD at times are also the things that at times allow me to save the day and feel very important to him. I recognize that some of our problems or my disappointment about things can be due to my unrealistic expectations about what he is capable of giving me due to his ADD. When I get frustrated, I am the first to point out where he is letting me down and not supporting me and this causes him to feel hopeless that he will ever be able to give me what I need. The other problem we have is that when I start to feel like my load is heavier and that I am stuck with dealing with everything, if he corrects me or is not tolerant of me in some way, I feel that he is being extremely critical and almost as if it is beyond his right to criticize me given everything I am juggling. While I understand that in some ways this is irrational, it is difficult for me to not read into his criticism (sometimes constructive) and feel like he is not only not supportive of me, but also not tolerant of me at a time that I am being so tolerant of him. The problem is, typical to ADD, he is unaware most of the time of how his ADD is affecting me and not aware of how tolerant I am being of his inability to complete tasks.
Now the rational part of me realizes that it takes two to tango and that neither of us are perfect in this area, but as the spouse without ADD, it is hard to be forgiving of him and the things he can't seem to do to support my needs. What I am trying to do right now is keep in mind that this is a really stressful time for him.....that losing this job, even though he hated it every day, has affected his self-esteem and has added another failure in his mind to his life. He is very intelligent, but ADD definitely caused a lot of underperforming and kept him from achieving his full potential and leaving him with a great deal of regret. I try to be mindful of this and the fact that I cannot relate to this feeling in my life because I was an overachiever who consistently met and exceeded expectations and who does not have a great deal of regret about my achievements. He finally started taking meds for ADD about 7 months ago and it has made a difference in his ability to stay focused, but I think now it is apparent to him what could have been if he had faced his ADD with meds years ago.
I am not a poster wife for supporting a spouse with ADD....as I often have feelings of resentment and anger that he is incapable at times of meeting my needs. However, if I had to give advice for how to keep the marriage and love going strong I would say this.....
1. Schedule time to discuss ADD and how it affects your marriage and feelings. Pick times that you can both focus on the conversation, that you are emotionally engaged and not too tired, exhausted, irrational or overwhelmed to discuss this in a productive and healthy way. This is not a discussion to be had when we are emotionally charged or angry.
2. Be open and honest about how your spouses behavior affects you and make practical suggestions about how they can better meet your needs. It may seem silly, but for instance, if remembering to do something nice or romantic is something your ADD spouse forgets to do often, have them agree to put reminders in their calendar so that they remember how important it is to participate in random acts of acknowledging how much they love you and appreciate you.
3. Educate yourself about ADD.....purchase books on the topic and keep them close by....even if you have read them....when you are angry, they can be a great source of talking you down from a ledge and reminding you that some of your spouses behavior is not really a choice.
4. Sleep on it. I am a big believer in conflict resolution in the moment.....however, sometimes, you need to walk away for a bit, take a break and refocus on what you want to accomplish in resolution and not just the anger you feel you need to express. Although this is very difficult to do and something that I struggle with every fight we have, I keep hoping that practice will make perfect. If you both can agree to try to deescalate situations when they seem to bubble up, then you could have at least a few occasions where both parties can focus on what you want and not on the anger. Although very difficult, this can work with practice...but it means that both of you have to chuck your resentment at the door and engage in healthy discussion focused on solutions and not blaming.
5. Remind yourself of why you married your spouse in the first place. Although that can be hard when it seems that those reasons aren't reality any more, there are always things to remember or focus on about your spouse that make them a good person. Both people change as a marriage progresses and that is normal. Ask yourself how you have changed and how that may be affecting your marriage. Do you have more resentment and a shorter fuse now? Has the stress of work and children affected you and your ability to be tolerant of your spouse's ADD behaviors? What responsibility can you take for the issues that have come up in the marriage and what can you do to minimize the stress?