Seven Great Tips for Improving Communication in an ADHD Marriage

I've been thinking a great deal lately about how poor communication
contributes to the downhill slide of many relationships affected by
ADHD. Here are seven basic ideas that will help you get along better
with your partner:

1. Separate the ADD symptoms from the person who has ADD.
The underlying person is generally a really good, often very smart,
person who has had many hard-to-understand bad things happen to him
before his ADD was diagnosed. Sometimes these bad events leave scars,
such as defensiveness or fear of failure, that can impact your
relationship. But ADD symptoms can be addressed with motivation and a
good support system, letting the good person really shine through. In
practice, separating the symptoms from the person means staying away
from phrases that imply moral judgments, such as “you’re lazy”, “you’re
mean”, “you just never get anything right”.

2. If you don’t have ADD, be humble. It’s human
nature to look to your spouse as the reason why you are having
difficulties, particularly when he doesn’t seem to be holding up his
end of the marital bargain. However, it is 100% guaranteed that your
behavior is contributing to the downward spiral of your relationship,
as well. It always takes two, and your responses to what’s going on
are just as important as any ADD symptoms your spouse may have.
Acknowledge your complicity, and figure out what you are doing that
irritates your partner. Ask your partner to do the same (but in a nice
way, of course!)

3. If you do have ADD, be humble! You may resent the
things your spouse is saying about how your behavior is affecting your
relationship…but she’s right – it is. My husband (with a man’s ability
to simplify things!) says there are three steps a person with ADHD must
take to successfully transform a marriage: 1.) Learn what ADD is; 2.)
Assume your ADD is affecting your relationship and figure out in what
ways and; 3.) Set up a plan to make it better. Denial doesn’t get you
anywhere – the only way to create a happy marriage out of a
disintegrating one is to figure out what your role is and then work
with your spouse to make it better.

4. Never, ever, assign blame. Blaming one person for
difficulties is never productive. Rather, it builds resentment on both
sides – a destructive emotion and one that is hard to overcome. So
what if your spouse left the door open and the cat got out again? The
immediate issue is that the cat is outside and needs to come back in.
Neither anger nor blame will bring “fifi” home. At another time, if
leaving the door open is a frequent problem, develop a plan (together)
to help keep it from happening – perhaps hanging up a sign, or perhaps
locking the door so that it has to be opened with a key will remind you
both that the door needs attention when you go in and out.

5. Thoroughly educate yourselves about ADHD. The
more you both know about ADD and its symptoms, the easier it will be
for you to understand what is going on and where the naturally
occurring, ADD-induced disconnects are going to be in your
relationship. A solid ADD education will help you both be empathetic
towards each others’ foibles and concerns, as well as help you
understand tactics and strategies that are effective in managing ADD.
When a spouse with ADD forgets to clean up, you’ll be able to say
“that’s the ADD at work” rather than assume that he’s “just lazy”.
When a non-ADD spouse gets angry that another chore has been forgotten,
the ADD member of the couple will be more able to understand the source
of that anger and respond positively to it.

6. Always “think positive”. Okay, when you’re mad,
this can be hard to do. But ADD symptoms are very frequently
misinterpreted and this misinterpretation causes great damage. A good
(and all too common) example is that a person with ADD gets distracted
and, therefore, doesn’t give his or her spouse as much attention as
they want, need or expect. This lack of attention can be
misinterpreted as “he/she doesn’t love me any more” when, in fact, it’s
simply “he/she is distracted”. Another common issue is that an ADD
person forgets to do a task he or she has been asked to do. A non-ADD
spouse may well interpret this as willful desire to shirk work around
the house (or being lazy), when in fact it’s simply a result of a very
fast-paced brain that doesn’t have much interest in holding onto boring
details such as chores. Thinking positively and trying first to
determine whether or not the behavior is a symptom, rather than the
person’s ill will, will create an atmosphere that will improve
communication between you.

7. Keep yourselves, and your conversations, “in the present”
– People with ADD have two time zones – “now”, and “not now”. Spending
a lot of time hashing over what you did to get you to the bad place in
which you currently find yourselves isn’t as productive as agreeing to
accept that you both got yourselves there, forgiving yourselves, and
then starting to love each other again. So, figure out what the
hardest symptoms of the ADD are for you as a couple and work with a
doctor to minimize those specific symptoms. Then, every day (that is,
“in the present”), make it a point to do fun and happy things
together. Wake up in the morning and spend 10 minutes holding each
other and telling each other why you fell in love. Give yourself the
leeway to be silly when the mood strikes you. Hold hands. Pretty
soon, your string of happy “in the present” days will start to create a
foundation for a new beginning.

Your turn! Have any communication tips you want to share? Post them here.

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